Love Notes

Chapter 31-Charlie



I run out of his room as fast as I can through the hospital, all the while watching people watch me like a crazy person or better yet, like an escaped crazy person.

I don’t care, I just know I need out of there . I run to the hospital parking lot, where my beloved Lexie is sitting. Knowing my Jeep is my only safe haven. I pull the door open and plop down in the driver's seat, all the while crying. I yank my iPod out of my bag and shove my ear buds in. I sit in the hospital parking lot and listen over and over to the same song. I'm not ready to leave.

There’s no way I am ready for the tongue lashing I’ll be receiving when I get home. I don’t doubt that my dad will soon be there and that my mom will have told him what transpired between us. Something would need to give. I can’t wait to turn 18 so I can just leave this place. I can’t take it anymore.

I didn’t doubt how Maverick felt about me but I would be lying if his rejection of me didn’t jack with my already poor self-esteem. Deep down I knew his reaction wasn’t about me, but when you already have a not so good view of yourself, it’s very easy to start doubting things again.

When I finally glance at my phone to check the time, I see that two hours have already passed. I’m scared as hell about leaving and heading to the dreaded place I call home. It’s like walking into a death trap. You know it’s going to be bad, but it’s the unexpected you have to worry about. I decide to stop delaying the inevitable and head home.

The minute I pull into the driveway my heart begins beating a million miles a minute. Oh, who am I kidding, it started the minute I left the hospital parking lot to come home.

I mentally prepare myself for the fight that I know is about to come. I walk ever so slowly inside, because why run, right? It’s going to happen regardless, may as well delay it for as long as I can. The moment I open the front door, I can sense the tension in the air. It's hard to describe really, but I know the shit's about to hit the fan. How much more I can take, I don’t know. Letting it out with my mom was huge and believe it or not, made me feel a little freer. It started to let me see things a little more clearly, regarding how I should be treated.

I’m immediately verbally assaulted when they hear the door shut. Not going to lie, my dad scares me and it makes me tremble. My mom does what she does best. Tucks her tail, head down, avoiding any and all contact with me and leaves the room.

I can't believe my earlier outburst has no impact at all. Doesn’t faze her one bit.

“Where have you been and what the hell are you thinking missing school? For a guy no less.” my dad sneers.

Now this is where I’m confused. I mean Maverick was in an accident and they kept me overnight in the hospital. My dad never showed up or called to see how I was, but surely it was reason enough to miss school. I recall again, seeing Maverick’s parents and how worried they were about him. This makes me question things. I know I wasn’t hurt, but there is absolutely no concern coming from him. Like, at all.

He’s pissed about me missing school. I’m a good student and I can afford not to be there for a short time. Something is off but I can’t put my finger on it.

Why does he not care about me? What have I done? Everything I loathe about myself starts pushing to the forefront of my mind. I’m hating everything about myself right now. I also start to question the reason for Maverick sending me away. I’m not pretty enough and I’m overweight. I’m not good enough. My eyes start to water but I’m so desperate to keep these tears in. I feel like I’m on the verge of doing something. I can’t hold on to all of this for much longer.

He’s repeating over and over the things that I hear from him all of the time. Not good enough, fat ass, ugly and yes stupid–must not forget stupid.

I draw in a shaky breath and say, “Well dad, I was at the hospital overnight and today I wanted to make sure that Maverick was okay. I think you will be pleased to know that he sent me away and I don't think he wants to see me anymore.”

“Ha, I knew it wouldn’t last. I told you that you aren’t good enough for him. Too fat and not near pretty enough. Especially for a guy that’s going places and we both know that you Charlie, will not be going anywhere.”

I’m numb and raw. I take it. I take it all. I don't have the energy to even stand up for myself. Not tonight. Honestly, I’m more upset about Maverick than I am about this confrontation with my dad. That is the honest to goodness truth.

To top it all off, I cry. I let my dad see it, because I can’t hold it in anymore. I was hoping that I had cried my last tear in the parking lot of the hospital. Unfortunately, this is not the case at all.

Finally I hear, “Charlie, just leave and get out of my face. I can’t even stand to look at you.”

I guess the onslaught is finally over. I turn to leave and dad makes sure to get one last dig in before I leave the room. “Remember, what I say Charlie. You will never be good enough for him and it’s better if you start thinking that way and get over this ridiculous notion that you are. It will hurt a lot less.”

Now I know this is where he’s wrong and completely out of his mind, because what I'm feeling right now hurts a hell of a lot more than I ever thought possible.

I turn and leave, walking solemnly back to my room like a puppy that has been beaten by their owner, tail tucked between its legs. The minute I get in my room, I close the door and lean against it, begging for the energy to get to the bed. Instead my feet take me elsewhere and I find myself standing in front of that same blasted mirror. That mirror will be the death of me. I think this is my own form of personal punishment.

I take a good look at the ugly ass girl staring right back at me. Yep, there she is. She definitely doesn’t look like Miranda or Ashley. Nope, she’s as plain and ordinary as they come. I can’t stand to look at this person any longer, so I turn and crawl into bed. I grab the covers and yank them over my head. The thought of eating dinner barely registers in my mind. I need to lose weight anyway. Meanwhile, my stomach is growling, but I don't care and I know that it will go away soon enough. I close my eyes and remember every negative thing about myself. The thoughts go round and round in my head, like a song on repeat. I fall asleep thinking the worst thoughts about myself and eventually run out of tears.