Love Notes

Chapter 33-Maverick



I’ve been stuck in this damn hospital for several weeks and I hate it. I’m having a hard time walking and the therapy is kicking my ass. I know there are days where I sit here and feel totally sorry for myself, and everyday my thoughts drift to Charlie.

Her all around sweetness and her beautiful smile. Her hot as sin ass. Maybe I should keep my thoughts clean. I have no right whatsoever to be thinking about her, after the way I acted. She hasn’t even tried to contact me. I don’t blame her though. I wouldn’t have either. I pushed her away. I felt like I needed to. I just couldn’t deal. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, I just needed time. I should have handled it better. I pushed away the person that means more to me than anyone. I have this haunted feeling that I may have broken her. I know how fragile her self-esteem is, but I did it anyway. It kills me to think that I could’ve done that to her. I'm sure that there’s a lot more going on at home for her, than what she had ever told me.

The sad part is, it never dawned on me to think about it until I was stuck in this bed and she was already gone. The thought of her being gone forever kills me beyond words.

Being in this state has caused me to push several people away. Not just Charlie. I’ve been cold and distant with my parents along with Will and my other friends. My mom made a huge point of actually calling me an idiot of all names. I have never heard her call me anything like that before.

I guess that should tell me something, I suppose. I’m laying here in this bed with my back turned towards the door perfecting the art of feeling sorry for myself. As I lay here wallowing, I hear a familiar voice nearing my room.

“Aw, there’s the ass hat.”

“This isn’t going to be fun.”

I can’t help but think to myself. Who am I kidding? I deserve every ounce of crap I’m about to be given. I deserve it and truth be told I’m very surprised she hasn't been here sooner.

“Tori, so nice of you to come and join me in this hell hole.”

“Aw, quit feeling sorry for yourself Maverick. I honestly don’t want to hear it. I told you when you first started seeing Charlie not to break her heart and what the hell did you do? You did exactly just that. I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen whether you like it or not.”

“As if I even have a choice in the matter Tori, I know I deserve it. Just let me have it.”

Oddly enough Tori seems surprised at my comments. She must not have realized how much I’m hurting inside. How broken I feel. Not counting the knee issues and the bumps and bruises and I just don’t feel right inside. I don’t feel whole. I wake up every damn day thinking of Charlie and imagining how much pain I’ve caused her. So I know I deserve this chat Tori has decided to bestow upon me. I won’t interrupt.

Tori takes a deep breath and I can tell she’s going to rain down on me.

“I kept hoping that you would finally wise up and just call her. Tell her that you made a mistake, but you didn’t. You haven’t. I know you’ve got some asinine reasons but come on already. Are you stupid? She hasn’t been the same since you sent her away. She finally started seeing herself in a better light. Please don’t tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about either, because I know you do. You were a huge reason for her feeling better about herself and you've gone and undone everything. I know that’s a lot to put on your shoulders and that she has to figure some of this stuff out for herself. She has to learn to see for herself how incredibly wonderful and freaking ass awesome she is. But I don't think she can do it without you Maverick. When she first moved here, there was a sadness about her that drew me to her and I just knew that she needed me. The thing is, I needed her just as much. She has no clue how much. She and I don’t even talk like we used to. She’s very quiet and guarded. I hurt for her. You and I both know there’s more going on at home than she has ever let on. I don’t even go over there that often and I can tell. It’s like a show is being put on while there is “company.” She always seems on edge, any time I’ve been there. So I’m asking you this Maverick. If you care, if you truly care, please, please do whatever you need to do and get over this pity party shit already, because you’re hurting more than just yourself. You’re hurting everyone around you. Even Will, who normally lets nothing bother him has been affected, so I know you’ve also pushed him away as well. Please stop. Just stop.”

And with that Tori turns and walks right on out the door.

I lay there for the rest of the afternoon considering everything Tori said. I didn’t think it’s possible to feel more like a dick. But I do. I feel horrible. Everything Tori has said is true.

I had, had a front row seat to the pain that she had endured by her dad that night. I remember how Charlie had acted afterwards. I could tell then that something wasn’t right. She was way too complacent about it, which I couldn’t understand. In fact her only response was embarrassment, like it was a normal occurrence for her. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed off I got. Mostly with myself and for not seeing what was directly in front of me the whole time. I knew I needed to make this right, I just wasn’t sure how or if I could.