Love Notes

Chapter 34-Charlie



There’s not enough adjectives to explain how I feel. I’m shattered and lost.

What happened between Maverick and me was bad enough. However, the confrontation with my dad has nearly broken me. I don't want to eat. I'm afraid of gaining any weight. I just want to put the music on and drown myself into it and never get up. That's all I do in my spare time. Go to school and come home. Do my homework, throw the ear buds in and go to bed.

I see Tori at school and we speak, but not like it was and actually I don't want to talk. I honestly don't want to speak to anyone. But you got to love her, that girl continues to try. She puts up with me and truth be told, I don't understand why. I’m not worth the time she spends on me. I’ve even seen her resorting to speaking to Will now.

My mom doesn't speak to me at all. It's as if I don't exist. Truth be told, it's as if she doesn't exist either. It's like she’s given up living entirely. She’s just a shell of a woman going through the motions day by day.

I avoid my dad at all cost. He seems to like it that way as well. As long as I am out of his hair, he stays out of mine. What a way to exist.

I’ve thought about calling Maverick so many different times, but then would lay the cell phone back down. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me and if he did I would’ve heard from him by now. The fact that he was so happy to see me in one moment, even telling me that he loves me and then in the next instant, sending me away without looking back. I know that things have completely changed.

Going back to school I was supposed to act like life is “normal,” But I don’t feel normal. I’m hurting and I’m sure the pain is etched clearly across my face. I try, I really do. I can’t help but question whether his love for me might still be there. How can you let someone go so easily?

The bitches are bitches again. I suppose with Maverick in the hospital and word getting around that he's not speaking to me, they figure he's done with me. One day I overheard Ashley say how she wasn’t surprised at all and that she knew I wouldn't be able to hold his attention for long anyway. It was only a matter of time. I think, “Whatever.” I’m still trying to just ignore them. Some days are harder than others though. Sometimes when I walk down the hallway there’s nothing but snickers and stares. I sure miss Maverick.

Will is great and still hangs with me and Tori. He helps lighten the mood some. We studiously avoid talking about Maverick, which is for the best. I think Will still likes Tori, but he’s eased off and is just taking the friends route with her, since that’s all she’s offering. Thank goodness for him though, he definitely makes things more bearable. If he walks with us and he hears anyone whispering, he’ll throw a look their way. He doesn’t think I notice or pay attention, but I do. I always notice.

Tori and I are still practicing our song for the festival, but with Maverick gone, we've since had to change it. I like to sing what I’m feeling and I’m certainly not feeling what was chosen, so now we've chosen a song called Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson, which is perfect for how I’m feeling at the moment. I'm working on “Catching My Breath,” as the song states. Completely appropriate, if I do say so myself. We’ve just a couple of days left until the show as well as the homecoming dance. Coincidentally, it's the same week that Maverick is also due back at school.