Don’t Let Me Fall by Briana Pacheco
Dedication
To anyone who ever wanted to give up,
there is always something worth fighting for. You are loved. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
- 1 -
Most people see college as an escape. Some place to learn even more. Become smarter. Meet new people. Party harder. Have sex. You get the f-ucking point. College wastes your money and if you learn something useful then you get to call yourself smarter than the average person. Congratulations, we’re all beneath you now. You are still an asshole. You’re welcome.
I see college as a road block.
It’s keeping me from heading home and being with my family. People I love. I’d give anything to be home with my sister but she made me promise to finish college and since this is my last year, I promised I would. I always try to keep my promises when it comes to Kelsey.
Kelsey Lennox is my fourteen-year-old sister and as much as I wish it were just the two of us, there’s more. I have a seventeen-year-old brother, Matthew, and a twenty-three-year-old sister, Jacqueline. We all look alike; dark brown hair, dark eyes, and a mouth that never stops running. Mom and Dad hate that we always have something to say. We can’t help it though. Sometimes people say the stupidest shit that you need to comment on it.
My Mom, Diana, and Dad, James, couldn’t look anymore different so I’m glad we look like Dad. Mom is super pale (not really) with blue eyes and blond hair, and I never could see myself like that. They met in middle school, had Jacky at nineteen then got married. Our family grew after that but it didn’t become perfect. Mom left when I was seventeen and found different men to be with. Dad got stuck with us.
So here I am; walking in circles, looking for my next class in a busy hallway. I transferred to Northeastern University to be closer to my family and so far it’s been nothing but bumping into strange people as I try to make my way through. It’s the first day of classes and everyone is walking toward theirs and it’s confusing. I’m being pushed and shoved and everyone gives me a look when I accidently step on them. It’s not my fault. It’s the assholes behind me.
I finished up my last year online when I moved back to Revere. Being in Washington was too hard to finish school so online was the answer. I’m smart, it wasn’t a problem. Not really. I’m still fucked up so I don’t remember much.
“Are you lost?” a guy asked behind me.
More than you f-ucking know.
I sighed and pushed my hair to the left side, trying to cover up the tattoo on my neck as I turned around. I’m not embarrassed of my tattoos but that doesn’t mean I want people to stop and stare and ask questions. All of my tats have stories behind them and I don’t want people to read me like an open book.
I looked up and locked eyes on a super cute tall guy with blue eyes and dark hair that make his eyes pop even more. I’m awestruck. No one has eyes that blue. Lashes that dark. Eyebrows that sexy! He’s f-ucking delicious. God, I must look like an idiot, staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I always look stupid when hot people are around. He looks like he stepped out of a GQ photoshoot, can you blame me?
What did he ask??
“You’re kind of blocking my class,” he said pointing behind me, stepping even closer. He’s making me block his class. Not my fault.
I mentally rolled my eyes and I stopped gawking at the guy. What an asshole. I moved to the side and turned my back on him. There you go, douchebag. I’m not in your way. I’ll find my way sooner or later.
A hand grazed my arm and made me stop short.
“Hey, I was joking,” Asshole said, blues crinkling at the sides as he searched my face. What the hell is he looking at? “I can help you if you’re lost.”
“I’m not lost.” Yes, I am.
He leaned into me and stared at my crinkled schedule in my hands. I honestly don’t know why I did this but I sniffed him. He’s right there so that’s normal…and he smells yummy. Like sandalwood and laundry…and like a guy. f-uck, it’s delicious and I’m seriously considering licking him right now. What the f-uck is wrong with you, Rebeckah?! Stop!
“Huh,” he said nodding. “I know where you should be.”
I glanced at him and waited patiently for directions that don’t seem to be coming any time soon. My mouth is itching to say something but I’m trying to be nice. I don’t want to be extra late on my first day.
Hell, I don’t even want to be here…
“I’m Logan.”
“I’m lost,” I said trying to get back to the point.
“Well, Lost, I think I can show you where you need to go,” Logan said, smiling. His blues crinkled at the sides again and I dropped my eyes to the floor. Those things need a warning. They’re distracting. “Come with me.” He winked and I knew there was a double meaning in that. I ignored it and followed him up a flight of stairs and down a hallway full of doors leading to classrooms.
We stopped at a door and Logan pointed inside.
“Is this me?” I asked, looking around.
“You’re a door?” he asked with a smile. Dammit, he has a dimple. A f-ucking dimple on his right cheek. Not only are the eyes distracting, he has a dimple! God! Stop looking. “What’s your name so I can change the number?”
I smiled and shook my head because I’m trying to act like a normal person and not scream ‘bitch!’ when someone spots me. It happens a lot. People just hate me.
“No thanks,” I said.
“That’s the way you’re going to repay me?” Logan asked crossing his arms over his chest and cocking an eyebrow. All I see are muscles straining against his dark t-shirt and I’m practically salivating. Don’t go there. Close your mouth. Think of something else. Rocks! “That’s fucked up.” It worked.
“I’m a fucked up person,” I said dryly. I can admit that. “Thanks for helping.”
So much for trying to act normal.
I walked through the door and slipped into an empty seat all the way in the back. I’m all caught up on my credits so I’m not behind. That’s a good thing. This five-year plan for nursing really took a toll on me.
Nursing was all I wanted to do. That was before Kelsey got sick. Before I found out that I can’t be of any use to her. Nursing does nothing for her, for me. I loved it and now it’s…blah. She’s getting weaker and weaker in that hospital bed doing the treatments, trying to get better because it is curable but it can come back. And what can I do for her? Nothing. I’m here in school, doing nothing.
Being useless.
When Kelsey was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL) five and a half months ago, my hollow self completely let go of anything I had left in me (it wasn’t much just so you know). I’m twenty-one and have nothing left to keep me going…besides my family. Which can fall apart anytime.
I have nothing left. My family doesn’t need me. I can’t do anything for them. I don’t want to be here…
Kelsey being sick was the last straw.
I completely lost it after that.
Logan was right. I am lost.
Only not physically.
I’m lost emotionally and mentally.
I have been for some time now.
And I don’t think I’ll ever be found.
I just keep falling into the blackness that consumes me.