Jacky hates seeing them. In her world, the body is something to take care of. People shouldn’t damage it by getting something permanent inked on them. Yeah, well…that is why she has her own body.
I’m not those crazy kinds of tattoo people. My skin is still visible through most of the work I had done. My arms, legs and chest have the most of them. Some letters are on my fingers. K, M, J, J. For my siblings and my dad. Mom doesn’t have one. She gave up on us before I started college so she can suck a dick. (I’m pretty sure she’s doing that as I speak.)
I’m like a walking canvas. Adding more tattoos will happen eventually. There’s just something about getting something added onto your skin. It’s like pictures only they have more meaning. I love them. They tell my story. There is at least one tattoo on every part of my body except my face, boobs, ass and vagina. Those are my don’t-even-think-of-touching-me-there-with-that-needle places.
“You should show them off more often,” Kelsey said tracing a vine wrapping up around my arm. I got that one for Alice. She was always throwing herself off things. The first time we met we were at some random person’s lake house. I saw a crazy blond hanging off the thinnest rope I’ve ever seen in my life. She was getting her momentum to jump into the lake and in that moment I knew we’d connect. We also connected because when she got out of the water, she had blond hair dye running down her face and she flashed everyone who laughed at her. She was crazy. We both were.
See, I’m the crazy girl. When I moved to Washington, I let myself have fun. I went wild. I wanted to be wild. So seeing the one and only other crazy person who would jump off that thin rope was going to be my new best friend. And she was. I also met her older brother, Toby, that day too. All three of us connected instantly.
“And give people heart attacks?” I asked with a sad smile. “Jacky looks ready to pass out.” I wish she’d accept them because they’re…me.
“I am not,” Jacky said talking to me like I’m a child.
“You kind of do,” Remy said tilting his head.
Jacky gave him another sharp look and that’s how we spent our time together. No boyfriends or friends talk made its way into the conversation except for Micha. He did come by before Jacky and Remy showed up. Dad came by earlier before work and said he’d try to come by later today but he couldn’t. Matthew had baseball practice and needed a ride.
“Hey, Becka, can we talk?” Jacky asked grabbing her purse and standing up.
No one ever likes to hear those words.
So I know it’s not good.
I stood up and glanced at Remy but he was avoiding my gaze. He instead dealt Kelsey cards and started to play a game of Asshole. My sister swears like a trucker because she grew up around us. It’s perfectly fine.
I followed Jacky outside and crossed my arms over my chest when a cute male nurse walked by and did a double take of me. I would have said he checked out Jacky but he didn’t even glance at her. Those dark eyes were fully on me and only me. God, I wish I was invisible.
“What’s up?” I asked.
She crossed and uncrossed her arms until she let them fall at her sides. “Did you talk to Dad lately?” she asked.
“Uh…” I tried. Not really. I just knock on his door and when he doesn’t answer, I go to my room. I barely saw him this morning as I left for school so…
“About Mom?” Jacky asked sounding serious.
Mom? No.
“What about her?” I asked.
Jacky was quiet for a long time and since she’s never quiet, this is not good. Oh, shit. What’s happening now?!
“Jacqueline,” I said. She hates when people call her that, who knows why, so that got her to look at me and start talking.
“Mom wants to have custody of Kelsey.” I nodded. Okay, Mom and Dad share custody of both Matthew and Kelsey. “Sole custody. Like she wants Kels to move into her house with whatever his name is and live there.”
“What?!” I said a little too loudly. “That’s not happening. Kels hates what’s his face.” I don’t even know his name. That’s how much he matters to me.
“Yeah, Dad’s not having it,” Jacky said. “And he doesn’t want to tell Matty because well…Mom just wants Kels.”
What a f-ucking bitch!
“He turns eighteen in two months,” I said trying to defend my brother a bit. Maybe Mom doesn’t want him but I do. I love him even though we’re not that close.
“Yeah…” Jacky said staring at the floor.
We stayed quiet for a few seconds until I thought about it. “Wait, Mom wants custody. That means Kels is getting better?” I asked with a smile on my face. She’s going to be okay. f-uck, this is good news. I thought we wouldn’t know until a few more months.
“No…Rebeckah…” Jacky’s voice broke and so did my heart. “If Kels doesn’t–” Please don’t say it, I begged with my eyes. “Kels is worth a lot.”
And just like that, I snapped.
I know Mom and Dad had life insurance policies put on us when we were born but once we turned eighteen, it stopped. We’re adults. Not children. Matt and Kelsey still have theirs. And Matt’s ends in two months.
“I have to go,” I said on autopilot.
I walked back into Kelsey’s room and grabbed my sweater. The way Remy is looking at me tells me he knows about this. I appreciate him being discreet.
“Hey, I have to go. Homework,” I said kissing Kelsey on the cheek.
“No, don’t go,” she said with big round puppy-dog eyes.
“You told me to graduate. That involves doing homework,” I said. “I’m only doing what you want.” Her pout went away and she smiled.
“Okay, come back soon.”
“Always.”
I gave Remy a goodbye hug because he’s basically already family, he just needs to marry my sister already. Jacky tried to plead with me to stay but I can’t. I have to talk to someone. And as much I don’t want to, I have to.
I took the train and bus to my mom’s house which is thirty minutes from ours. Once I rang the doorbell and didn’t get an answer, I banged on the door like a mad woman.
The boyfriend answered…only in a towel. I think its gross how he’s around Jacky’s age. Mom should be disgusted that she’s f-ucking someone who could be her son.
“Is Diana here?” I asked, annoyed. Mom doesn’t get the luxury of being called Mom to her face. She left so so does the right to the name.
“She’s in bed.”
“Robert?” I asked. I know it’s an R name.
“Roger,” he said leaning against the doorjamb.
“Right, Roger. Tell Diana that she’s not getting custody. We both know you don’t want a kid around. She’ll listen to you. She kind of doesn’t have a mind of her own. Can you do that for me?” I asked, disgusted as I noticed he was checking me out. The asshole had the audacity to stare at my body as I talked. And it’s not lost on me how he’s twitching under his towel. “Hello. Robert?!” I said snapping my fingers.
“Roger,” he said holding my eyes with his stupid dark blue ones.
“Whatever. Tell her,” I said turning my back to him.
I didn’t look back because I have a feeling he is staring at my ass as I walk away and I don’t want to have to be the person that goes to jail for breaking his face.
I hopped on the bus and headed home.
Dad was in the kitchen looking through bills and I noticed some past due ones. I asked if everything was fine and he just stacked them all together and said ‘yes.’ He can bullshit me all he wants but I know it’s not okay.
“Dad, Mom won’t keep her,” I said hugging him around the neck as he was still sitting down. He touched my arm and nodded.
“I hope not. I want all my kids together,” he said. I heard the hurt in his voice. We mean the world to him and losing one of us is going to kill him.
“I love you,” I said, tightening my arms around him.
“You too, Birdie.”
I smiled as I kissed him goodnight. Dad still kind of doesn’t approve all the tattoos but ever since he saw the one on my neck, he hasn’t stopped calling me Birdie.
You were born to fly, Becka. Don’t let anyone stop you.
I remember Dad telling me that every night as he tucked me into bed. I believed him. Until I tried to fly and it didn’t work. Someone stopped me.
I’m a wounded bird that hasn’t tried to get back up yet.
I headed up to Matty’s room and found him lying in bed, on his phone. Times like this is when I wish Jacky and Remy didn’t have an apartment together five minutes away. I wish our family lived under the same roof. Not five minutes away and in a hospital.
“Hey,” I said tapping on Matty’s door. “Have five minutes for your sister?” He raised an eyebrow at me and put his phone down.
“Well, Finn would kick my ass if I tell you to f-uck off but he’ll kick my ass if I leave him hanging,” Matthew said with his palms up, weighing his options.
I walked into his room with a smile on my face.
“I have an idea,” I said. “Push over.”
I don’t hate Finn but he gets annoying. I guess just for tonight, I can let the flirting slide. I grabbed Matthew’s phone and video chatted Finn. His brown eyes were the size of saucers when he saw it was me then he collected himself after spurting soda everywhere so we spent the next half hour talking about school and girls. I know I’m not the only girl Finn thinks about so hearing about a girl he wants to ask out was a relief. And I heard about a girl that has been trying to get Matthew’s attention but he doesn’t pursue it.
I just have to kick his ass and he will.
“Goodnight, the love of my life,” Finn said sending me a wink. I rolled my eyes and handed Matty the phone.
“I think he’s talking to you,” I said. “’night, Matty.”
“Night, Becky,” he said sticking his tongue out at me.
God, he just had to bring the Y in there. All of our nicknames end in ‘Y’ for some reason. It’s ridiculous. Our parents couldn’t pick any other names for us.
I went into my room and changed into pj’s then climbed into bed and was just thinking of something good when my phone buzzed. I reached over and saw I have a text from some number not stored in my contacts. Hey, stalker here. Don’t ask how I got this. Aimee wants to know if you’re available???
Oh. My. God.
I’m not. I replied. How the f-uck did Logan get my number. Obviously it’s Logan because who else would mention Aimee? I only know that one. And her f-ucking brother is now labeled a f-ucking stalker.
I turned my phone off and closed my eyes. I’m not in the mood for him right now. I’m not in the mood for him, period.
I tried thinking of something good to dream about but I couldn’t. The only thing that popped into my head was that night. The night I lost Alice.
I know I shouldn’t think about it. It’s not good for me if I do. I still need time. A lot of time. But I can’t stop it. It’s unfolding in my mind like a dropped roll of paper towels and the only way to clean it up is to grab it and put it back together.
That’s what I’m doing.
I’m trying to roll it back into the box it should stay in.