Love Notes

Chapter 45-Charlie



“Okay, my friend. Get your hot ass in here and let me get your make up done and beautify you for your man, before you get your dress on.”

“We’ve been through this Tori. We aren’t together but are going to the dance together.”

I’d told Tori everything and she seemed confused as to why I didn’t jump right back into the boyfriend and girlfriend title. There was a reason, one that was going to be hard for me, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

“Your dress is going to be killer on you. He’s not going know what to do with his hands all night long.” Tori said and I secretly hope so. It is a dark purple that looks great against my hair color. It looks pretty good with my eyes too. It is strapless, hugs my waist and flares to just below the knees. Kind of like a princess dress. It is the prettiest dress I’ve ever worn. It is also the prettiest I’ve ever felt.

“I’m so nervous Tor. I don’t know why, I just am. It’s not like this is our first date. Why do I feel like this?”

She places the eye pencil down, which I appreciate. I don’t feel like attending the dance with an eye patch. Tori can get animated with her hands when she speaks.

“I can only guess as to why. But this is my assumption. Because you were hurt and this is the first time that you’re together after everything that has happened. The thing with your parents is huge Charlie. You’ve been through a lot and deep down, it’s what you’ve been used to. I think you’re still scared, which you have every right to be. Maverick hurting you, which remember only happened because of the accident. Not giving him an excuse, but you know what I mean.”

I think about it and realize, she’s nailed it. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. “How did you get to be so smart?” I ask her.

“Girl, you know I’ve always been smart like this. It just took you a while to see it.” She laughs.

Funny, but she’s right. The whole time I’ve known her, she’s always been full of wisdom, full of herself sometimes, but when it came to me, always right on the money.

I throw my arms around her, hugging her. “What’s that for?” she asks. But throws hers around me giggling. “You know what it’s for. I’m just so glad to have you in my life.”

“Okay, enough already, as she pulls back. “We need to finish getting you ready. And of course, I have to get my hot self ready too.”

“I won’t move again, swear.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep Charlie,” she says laughing.

This time I don’t move. I stay as still as a statue. When she pronounces me done, she turns me around to look at myself. Wow, is she good.

I look good, pretty even.

She throws me out of the bathroom so she can get ready, and I head into my room to put my beautiful dress on.

We simultaneously peek our heads out, not revealing our whole self yet.

“Okay, on three. Tori says. Together we count, “One. Two. Three.” We both open our doors all the way, revealing our put together selves. We look good. Tori’s dress is an emerald green but more fitted and strapless. It makes her green eyes pop something fierce and hugs her thin body like a second skin.

At that moment all I can think is, “Will is gonna freak.” I don’t say it out loud, because Lord knows, she would kill me for saying it. But it’s true.

“Charlie, you look hot girl. Maverick is gonna go nuts.” I smile inwardly, because that’s what I’m hoping to accomplish. I’ve never been called hot before and starting to feel a little different.

But the dress and all the gobs of makeup is what makes me look and feel good. What am I without it?

The door bell rings signaling that Maverick is there to pick me up. Tori gives me a slight shove towards the stairs and says, “You’ve got this. Now go get him, tiger.”

I turn around and smirk at her, but take her words to heart. As I make my way down the stairway, I see Shelby beaming up at me and Maverick standing right beside her.

Oh. My. Word.

There aren’t enough words to describe Maverick. He is so much more. The guy is made for a tux. He’s wearing a dark purple tie, that matches my dress to perfection. He’s grinning from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat, but his eyes say something else entirely. They’re full of heat and want. They say, “I could eat you for dinner.”

I try to stifle a giggle, recalling a conversation we’d had from the past. He grabs my hand when I reach the bottom step and just stares at me.

Shelby clears her throat and says, “Okay you two, picture time.”

My heart is so full for Shelby, because this is what a mom does. She isn’t mine by blood, but she’s taken to doing things for me, just like she would for Tori.

I know most teenagers would be hating this part, but I’m eating it up. I feel sadness begin to creep up to the forefront of my mind. Knowing that I would’ve never had this with my own mom, even if there hadn’t been a fight between us. My dad would’ve laughed at me and made some rude or snide comments about my dress. He would’ve told me what a fat ass I was or called me porky pig. As my mind is wandering, I feel Maverick lightly nudge me. As if sensing my thoughts, “You look gorgeous and it’s their loss. They don’t deserve your thoughts. This is your night. Let’s not think about them.” I nod my head in agreement and say, “You look handsome Maverick.”

“Not as good as you though. Trust me.” he winks.

All of a sudden Tori pipes up, “Time for me to have pics with my bestie. We need pictures and it needs to be rectified, while we look so damn good.”

Shelby just shakes her head, with a smile on her face and snaps away.



Walking into the dance is a feeling I will never forget. Maverick holding my hand and heads turning. A couple of those heads happen to also be the ‘bitches’. Yeah, it felt pretty good.

He may not be able to dance but, he still guides me to the dance floor. For the first time, I feel worthy to be on his arm. We don’t move a lot, which is fine by me. Having Maverick hold me is the best feeling in the world. I’m sure his leg will be hurting before long and he’ll need to rest it.

Tori walks in by herself, looking gorgeous and my eyes instantly look for Will. I spot him all right, and I don’t think he notices anyone else in the entire room. His eyes are instantly on Tori. I see a couple of their football player friends that came stag walk up to Tori, asking her to dance. Tori, being Tori is laughing and having a great time. No shortage of dance partners that’s for sure. Will, looks ready to explode. I finally see him walk out and look at Maverick to see if he notices. “Yeah, I saw it too.” he says.

I feel bad for Will but I can’t do anything about it. I decide to just, enjoy. Tori’s having fun for once and she needs that. I’ve never seen her with a guy. Ever.

We stand there, barely moving to several songs before I notice the strain it’s taking on Maverick, forcing him to sit down. I enjoy my time, just sitting with Mav content. My back against his chest and watching Tori dance after dance, having fun.

Tori finally walks over and looks at Maverick, “Do you mind if I steal my bestie? We’ve got to show these bitches how it’s done.” I laugh and Maverick just smiles shaking his head.

I turn around and look at Mav, “You sure? I hate to leave you.”

“No, Charlie. Go and have fun. I’ll be here when you get back. Besides, I can’t dance the fast songs and watching you, sounds like fun.” He says this with a mischievous glint in his eye and oh so sexy grin and kisses my check lightly.

Tori grabs my hand, pulling me to the dance floor, “Let’s go girlfriend and shake some tail.”

Laughing at her, we do just that. Every so often, I glance back at Maverick he would be staring at me, with a crooked smile or with a heated look.

It was a blast. I’ve never had so much fun.

Before I know it, the dance is almost over. “We have one more stop to make, before I take you home.” Maverick says.

“Hhmm, a surprise huh?” He just winks at me.

I say my good-bye to Tori and head out to wherever the surprise is, that Maverick has cooked up.

I look around and notice he’s driving us in the direction to his place at the lake. The closer we get, the more lit up it looks. It’s after midnight and it should be dark as night, but it’s not.

As soon as he parks I look around in complete awe. It’s beautiful. There are thousands of white lights strung around and zig zagged from one end to another. He comes over to my side of the car and opens it. “It’s beautiful. You did this for me?”

With a serious face, he says, “Oh Charlie, you deserve this and so much more.”

I can honestly say, I’ve never heard those words uttered to me before. It’s a strange feeling. I take in my surroundings and notice a table with an iPod player. “What’s this?”

He looks at me sheepishly, “I thought we could dance under the stars and lights, or at least as much as my knees will let me move.” He looks down, looking slightly embarrassed. This time it’s my turn to reassure him. I push his chin back up so he can see my face. “You’re perfect just the way you are, knees and all.”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me intently, so I change the subject.

“How romantic.” I whisper.

It’s beautiful, thoughtful and romantic. It’s all of these things. But the feeling in the pit of my stomach continues to grow. I decide to wait and give him a couple of dances. After what I have to say, I might not ever get another one.

The first song I’ve chosen is Parachute, She Is Love. “This is how I feel about you.” He tenderly pulls me to him and as the song begins, we start to dance. Slowly, arms wrapped around one another as he begins to quietly sing,

“I lost my faith in my darkest days but she makes me want to believe. They call her love and she is all I need, she is love and she is all I need and she is all I need.”

The tears start to fall, and I try unsuccessfully, to hide them. “What’s wrong?” He looks at me with concern.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I know a clichéd, right? But it’s true, I swear.”

He looks at me, like he doesn’t believe me. “If you can’t forgive me…..”

“It’s not that, trust me. You need to let me tell you something.”

Maverick takes us to a bench to sit down and I begin to speak, afraid that I might chicken out. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

“I want to be with you, I really do. But I can’t. Not right now. Do you know, when we were dancing tonight, one of my first thoughts was, that I finally felt worthy to be on your arm?”

I let out a harsh laugh, shaking my head and look back at him, “That can’t be normal. For years I’ve been called stupid, fat ass, you name it. It’s been said. And I believed it. Every damn word.”

“But you’re not, don’t you see that?” Maverick asks.

“No, I don’t and that’s the problem. I’m always second guessing any compliment given to me and I don’t believe them. I need to talk to someone and deal with things that have been hidden and buried for far too long. I need to learn to be happy with me ‘first’.

Maverick grabs my hand, twining my fingers through his. “You make me a better person. I get it. I do. I hate it, but I understand it. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

I start shaking my head vehemently, “I can’t ask you to do that!” As the tears quickly cascade down my face.

“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. I will be here when you’re ready. I love you so much and as much as it pains me to say, I think you’re right. And I don’t think you’ll ever believe me when I say it, until you start to see yourself differently. You need to see how awesome and beautiful you are. I will wait for you.”

He leans towards me, placing his hands on each side of my face and says, “I can’t wait for you to see what I see.” And then he kisses me. He kisses me with everything he has and I take it.

I don’t know how long it will be before I’ll get another one. So I’ll savor it and hold onto it.

Epilogue

3 months later

The path to self discovery is never an easy one. It's hard as hell to be honest. I was brought up my whole life being told how horrible I was. I wasn’t good enough, thin enough or pretty enough. After a while, you start to believe it. You can’t help but think the very worst about yourself.

All–of–the–time.

I’ve been seeing a counselor. She’s helped me to understand several things. For one, I’ve finally begun to see my parents for who they are. They are mean, horrible people that felt so bad about themselves, that they felt the need to constantly put me down, which is their problem and was never mine. They don’t define me and what kind of person I am or who I choose to become.

I remember leaving a session, going home and looking up in the dictionary what self-worth meant. This is what it says:

Self-worth: the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect

It struck a chord with me and made me think. I alone define my own self-worth. Not a boy, but me. No one else can make me feel good about myself. My own personal value is what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says. But mine.

As for my parents. They refuse to speak to me. I still don’t know who my real father is, but maybe one day, my mom will come around and provide some information. But, I’m not holding my breath.

Shelby’s provided me with a loving home and has become the mom that I was always lacking, and who I will always be eternally grateful for.

As for Tori, I couldn't have asked for a better best friend. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She saw things in me, before I ever saw them in myself.

There’s still several months of school left and then I'll move on to college. This time, I’m not as anxious to leave.

As far as Maverick goes, he's always around and ever patient with me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s waiting for the green light. But, he knows I need this time and true to his word, he’s waiting. As far as us getting back together? I see it in the very near future.

I'm not healed yet and I probably won’t ever be. I believe that this is something I may truly never get over, but will hopefully get easier with time.

I’m finally seeing myself in a different light, than I did three months ago. I have a guy that loves me and who’s willing to wait for me. I have a best friend who’ll always be there for me in a heart beat, and defend me from the ‘bitches’.

I no longer use the mirror as a form of personal punishment. Now when I look, I see me. Charlie, with a boy's name. Who’s more confident, kind, smart and finally starting to see herself as pretty and kind of special.

Gone is the tear streaked, over weight, double chinned, ugly girl that I once saw when I stood in front of the mirror. Gone, is the plain Jane girl.

THE END