Love Notes

Chapter 39-Charlie



This is the first time I’ve ever skipped school. I just can't stand the thought of seeing him again in Choir class. I know Tori and I need to practice but I’m not worried. I know the song like no other. I only decided on it based on what I was feeling at the time and what I'm still trying to convince myself to do. It's like a mantra. Tomorrow is the night of the performance.

As I pull into the driveway, I immediately text Tori just to make sure she doesn't worry. My mom isn't home, but I just don't care anymore. I don't doubt she will be home soon, but I will deal with the outcome when it comes. I know that I need to deal with everything eventually. Sooner, rather than later, there’s going to be a come to Jesus talk, and it won't be pretty.

As far as I’m concerned, my mom and I had already had our discussion back when Maverick was in the hospital. This talk will need to be with my dad and it needs to be done once and for all. I’m scared out of my mind, but I need to find out why he hates me so much. There has to be a reason and I need to know. Damned be the outcome. Tori has been telling me how strong and great I am all along and it is about time, I start to believe it.

I love being home when there is no one else here. It’s the only time I ever feel at peace in his house. Just like a ritual, I put my iPod on the player and put my play list on. I have several different play lists for different moods. This mood of mine, requires a little bit of encouragement for the show down that I’ve finally decided, needs to happen this evening. It is inevitable. Besides, I’m sure my parents will be receiving a call this afternoon, telling them that I’ve left school.

I’m so damn tired of feeling like this. I know I’m a good daughter. I never get into trouble and I'm respectful. I keep my room clean, help with dishes (maybe not all of the time) and I do my homework and hardly ever go out anywhere. Most of the time, I feel like I’ll get into trouble for leaving the house. Hell, I have only met Tori's mom once and that was it.

I must have been listening to one of my favorite bands Imagine Dragons for at least an hour before I hear the front door open and hear my parents walk in. Huh, I'm thinking to myself, they are together. Kind of strange and definitely not normal for them.

My dad wastes no time and barges in without knocking. Crap this is bad. “What the hell are you thinking with skipping school Charlie? You know better. Are you stupid or what? What would ever possess you to skip school?”

The word stupid hurts, not gonna lie. My eyes start to water.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

I have to remember that I can do this, and that I have received much, much worse from him.

Okay, I tell myself. Pep talk. You aren’t stupid and you can do this and you can’t and will not be treated like this anymore. Dad or not. Start out simple and try to explain why. Who the hell am I trying to kid? He's not going to get it regardless.

As I open my mouth to speak, my voice comes out stuttering and sounding scared, “Maverick came back to school today. He was released from the hospital and I couldn't take it. I needed to leave. I couldn't face him again.”

My dad starts laughing, as if this is the funniest thing he has ever heard. “Are you kidding me? This is over Maverick? He didn't want you to begin with. He broke up with you. He didn't want you, and really Charlie, why would he? You stupid, stupid girl. You're fat and certainly not the prettiest girl. He could be with a much prettier girl, so why would he choose you? You are just a joke.”

As he continues with the degrading remarks, I can't help it, the tears fall and they begin to fall hard. Maybe this is what I need to hear, to give me some confidence. I feel it building. Albeit slowly. I think between seeing Maverick today, which hurt so much and my dad, I’m about to explode. I have reached the point of no return.

“Why?” I scream out, “Why? Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to you? You have never had a kind word to say to me. Never.”

His face is turning red and he has this shocked look on his face. But I’m not done, not by a long shot and my voice is reaching an all-time high. “I have tried so hard to be the “perfect” daughter. I tried to do everything right. But it doesn't matter. You’ve said the most hateful & degrading things to me. I know this now. No father should ever talk to his own daughter the way you talk to me. It's wrong. It took me a long time to see it. It took me seeing Tori with her mom one time to see what a mother and daughter relationship really looks like. Just once. Don't get me started on seeing Maverick with his parents who actually like each other and treat each other with respect.”

Finally my dad finds his voice as he roars, “You will not speak to me this way!”

I think to myself, I've done this much damage, why not go all of the way. “Why?” I yell. “Respect is earned and it is surely something you have never shown me.”

Quick like lightening, my dad is right in front of me, raises his hand in the air and slaps me hard, right across the face. The sound is deafening and something I will never in a million years, ever forget. It resonates and continues to echo in my ears. I place my hand upon my cheek and in complete and utter shock stand stock still, staring at him.

I look past him and see my mom standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes and her hand on her mouth looking mortified.

“It's about time you knew the truth Charlie. I'm not your father. Thank God. Your father was a nobody that your mother had an affair with at her job. I did her a favor by staying with her. For a long time we weren’t even sure if you were his or mine. But look at you, there’s no damn way my child would look like you. It doesn’t take much to figure out that we look nothing alike. I don’t want you and I never have.

With his last parting words, he leaves the room, with my mom trailing after him. I stand in a state of shock. Not only is my dad not really my dad, but my mom left me here and went after him.

She–Left–Me

Here I stand, in a state of shock and with what I’m sure is a slap mark across my face and she goes after him. I can't stay here. I’m done. I don't think. I just act. I start throwing my clothes in a bag. I only grab the essentials, the things I truly cannot leave without, because I have no plans of ever returning.

I know of a place where it may be okay for me to stay, even if only for a little while. I run out of the house with my small bag of possessions and jump into the Jeep.

My–Jeep.

I look back and see my dad who isn't really my dad start running after me and almost reaching the door. I throw the car in drive as quickly as I can and push on the gas. He reaches the door enough for his fingers to skim the handle, but I’m quicker. Before he knows it, I’m gone and he just stands there in the middle of the street. I continue looking back and watch him get smaller and smaller, all the while my burdens seems to get lighter and lighter.