Thoughtless

Chapter 9

The Espresso Stand

Denny's new job was for a small marketing company that mostly dealt with internet clientele. It was a far cry from the prestigious internship for one of the largest advertising companies around that he had given up. His brilliance, while so welcomed and encouraged at his previous job, was almost looked down upon here. The small minded people around him were intimidated by his ideas. They turned his job into little more than being a glorified gofer, running their errands and stroking their egos.

He hated every minute of it. He would never flat out tell me that, ever wanting to spare me pain or guilt, but regardless, I knew. I could see it in his eyes when he lingered in the kitchen before heading out for the day. I could see it in the slump of his shoulders when he came into the bar at night after his long day was finally over. He was miserable.

One evening at Pete's, after a long day at work, he sat quietly at a back table sipping on his beer, apparently deep in thought. I wanted to go over and talk to him, but there was nothing left to say. I had already told him it would eventually get better, and it didn't seem to be getting any better. I had already told him I loved him eternally for coming back. That garnered a small smile, but not much more. I had even told him to quit and find work somewhere else, but there weren't any openings anywhere. He was still actively looking, but for now, if he wanted to stay in his chosen field, and if he wanted to stay in Seattle...he was stuck.

I sighed, watching him. I looked over to Kellan, lounging with his band mates a few tables away from Denny, hoping he would finally sit and talk to him, try to cheer him up. But Kellan was at his usual table with his back to Denny, chatting with Matt. From an outside perspective it probably looked like nothing, but I knew that Kellan was avoiding him still. He didn't even like looking at Denny anymore and rarely said more than a few polite words to him. I wished Kellan would just stop it and be his friend again, like he said he was. I understood his guilt, I felt it too, but enough was enough. Denny needed us right now.

A cell phone sitting beside Denny's beer rang and sighing, he picked it up. The company had felt the need to have twenty-four hour access to him, and gave him the phone with instructions that he could only use it to talk to them and if it rang, he'd better answer it. The whole thing greatly irritated me. It was way beyond what an intern should have to do.

He spoke dejectedly for a few minutes, shut the phone, then stood and made his way over to me. "Hey." He tried to smile, but I could see how forced it was.

"Hi." I smiled at him reassuringly, even though I could feel the irritation in me starting to rise, at the conversation I could sense coming.

"I'm sorry," he stated abruptly. "That was Max. I have to go." Max was an irritating, shrewd little man, who seemed to enjoy nothing greater than sending Denny on pointless errands, preferably on off hours. His latest vital assignment had involved dry cleaning and Starbucks.

"Again? Denny..." I didn't mean to sound agitated, but I was, and it seeped into my voice. I was getting really sick and tired of the endless tasks that occupied so much of his time and thoughts, and that were so beneath his brilliant mind.

"Kiera," anger flashed in his eyes, "it's my job. I have to do this."

The irritation in my voice was intentional this time. "It didn't used to be."

Sadness washed over his face. "No, it didn't used to be..."

Guilt mixed with my anger, only increasing it. I roughly turned away from him and started picking up empty glasses from a nearby table. "Fine, see you later then."


Anger turned my thoughts dark. He was the one that had dropped everything to rush back to me. If he had given me time, I would have calmed down and we could have worked something out...probably. I hated feeling guilty over his decision. I felt guilty enough over mine...over Kellan.

Saying nothing else, he turned and left the bar. Looking back over my shoulder, I watched him disappear through the double doors. Sighing, I started to turn back to my work, when I noticed Kellan watching me, watching our conversation intently. Great, more fodder for him, I thought, my mind still in a dark place.

He slowly stood up and made his way over to where I was. My irritation soared even higher. Really, I was not in the mood for being attacked by him right now. He had never actually agreed that he was being mean to me, and his attitude towards me hadn't changed much since our brief conversation in the kitchen. Irritation at that conversation flashed through me, yet again. Apparently, according to him, we were never even friends.

Concentrating on stacking the glasses, I decided to just ignore him.

He came up beside me, pressing his side into mine and staring down at me. The move was decidedly intimate and a strange feeling washed through me. Even though the bar was packed, it was not that packed. It would look odd to someone watching, for him to be standing that close to me. Instinctively I pulled away and glared up at him. So much for ignoring him.

"Denny leave you again? I could find you another drinking buddy, if you're...lonely?" he asked wryly before grinning devilishly. "Maybe Griffin this time?"

"I don't need your crap tonight, Kellan!" I said angrily.

"You don't seem to be happy being with him," he responded calmly, an oddly serious note to his tone.

"What? And I'd be happier with you?" I glared at his perfectly charming face, his sexy half-smile, and his oddly cool eyes. He didn't say anything to that, just kept that annoying, enchanting smile on his face. Suddenly I wasn't just angry, I shot right past it - to thoroughly pissed off.

Leaning in close, so no one else would hear, I whispered, "You were the biggest mistake of my life, Kellan. You were right - we're not friends, never were. I wish you would just go away."

I immediately wished I could take the words back. He was being a jerk, but I didn't want to hurt him by belittling what we had shared together. And I did still think of him as a friend, even if he didn't think of me that way. His smile instantly left him. His eyes went from cool to ice cold and he roughly brushed past me, nearly making me drop my stack of glasses.

He left shortly after that.

When I came home from my shift, Denny was waiting up for me. He was sitting on the bed, watching TV and looking very tired. His face, and the fact that he was waiting to talk to me, softened my anger at our earlier conversation and I smiled over at him. "Hey."

"I'm sorry," he said immediately, shutting off the TV. "I shouldn't snap at you. It's not your fault I'm not happy there."

I went over to sit by him on the bed. He had never admitted he hated it there before. I put my hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to snap either. I just...miss you."

"I know." His accent on the word made me smile. "I miss you too. I'll do better. I promise, okay? No more grump." He smiled for the first time it what felt like weeks.

I laughed at him and kissed him softly. "Okay, I'll try to not be grumpy either then."

The next morning, feeling better after having talked to Denny, I had hoped to talk with Kellan. He was his usual self, drinking his coffee and reading the paper, but he didn't look up when I came in. Embarrassed at my outburst yesterday, I wasn't sure what to do. Quietly I made my coffee, and then chickening out, I decided to drink it upstairs. I just couldn't take the awkwardness.

But guilt stopped me before I could completely turn the corner. Not looking, I threw an, "I'm sorry, Kellan" over my shoulder. I walked away quietly and thought I heard a long sigh, but nothing else.

Denny did seem to turn a corner. While still really unhappy about his situation, he moped a lot less and we talked a lot more. I still didn't see nearly enough of him, and he got way too many after hours phone calls for my taste, but I tried to not mope about that either. It was going to take both of us to make this work.

Kellan was different as well. For all the moping Denny and I were trying not to do, Kellan was making up for it. He avoided both of us for the most part. On the rare occasions we were all together, he said nothing more than a few polite words. He stopped being an ass, which I was grateful for, but his silence made my stomach feel odd. I felt something coming, I just didn't know what. It was unsettling.

One Saturday morning, Denny and Kellan were downstairs talking before I got there. I couldn't tell what they had been saying, but as I turned the corner, Kellan was smiling at Denny, who had a hand clapped on his shoulder. I had no idea what that was about, but the vision of them both together like that was heartwarming, and guilt-inducing.

Denny looked over at me when I entered the room. "Can you get someone to trade shifts with you? We are all going out tonight - mates' night out."

I tried to smile, but my stomach dropped. This was not good. "Ohhhh, that's a great idea, honey. Where are we going?"

"A friend of mine has a band playing at The Shack tonight." Kellan said quietly, looking at me for the first time in days. His look was a sad one and my stomach hurt again.

"Okay, sounds great. I'll trade with Emily. She normally works days, but asked Jenny if she could work some nights... better tips..." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Great!" Denny walked over to me and gave me a long kiss. "See, I can still be fun. No more grump, I promised." He gave me a quick hug and moved to leave the room. "I'm gonna shower, then I'll make you breakfast." He tossed over his shoulder with a quick wink.

I laughed then looked back over at Kellan and stopped. He was looking away from us, his face pale. He didn't look good at all. "You okay?" I whispered, not really wanting to ask in case ass-Kellan popped back up again.

He looked over at me, his eyes sad but a smile on his face. "Sure. This will be...interesting."

Suddenly worried, I walked closer to him. "Are you sure? This doesn't have to happen. Denny and I can go alone."

His face suddenly serious, he gazed at me intently. "I'm fine, and I'd like to spend one...night, with my roommates." He turned away from me and headed upstairs through the living room and the ache in my stomach increased ten-fold. He had said that oddly and it terrified me.

The night started...awkwardly. Kellan disappeared not long after the announcement that we were having a night out. He had left the house with an, "I'll meet you guys there" and Denny and I didn't see him for the rest of the day. Really, that suited me just fine. His new sad, quiet behavior was causing my stomach to do strange, panicky things that I didn't have the heart to analyze.

Instead, I turned my attention to Denny, trying to focus on just having a good time with him, like we used to have together. He seemed in a better mood than usual. Maybe he had noticed things were strained around the house with Kellan, and was trying to compensate. He seemed excited for us all to go out and do something together tonight. I wasn't quite as excited, but I faked it for my man.

The day went slowly, peacefully, but eventually it was time to get ready for the evening. It was still pretty warm for this time of year, so I chose a loose, flirty black skirt and a pink button up short-sleeved shirt with a light sweater-jacket. I left my hair loose, casual and slightly wavy. Denny smiled at me and kissed my cheek as I put on my lipstick. He picked out my favorite blue Henley that I loved on his tan skin. Adorably, he held out a small jar of style gel and let me go crazy with his hair, shaking his head when I was satisfied with it. He was trying to please me tonight and it was working; I was very touched by the gestures.


When we arrived at The Shack, Kellan's car was already there and we parked next to his Chevelle in a side parking lot. Making our way to the front doors, I noticed that the bar was about half the size of Pete's. I wondered where the band was going to play, until I noticed the wide open doors in the back of the bar and the crowd of people outside. We made our way out the back to a large, fenced beer garden. There were tables all along the sides of the fence and along the wall of the bar, with a wide open section in front of a large stage opposite the building. A band was setting up their equipment and Kellan was over there, talking to one of the guys. He saw us and motioned to a table along the fence that already had a pitcher of beer and three glasses.

Denny and I waved back and walked over to the table reserved for us. Denny held out my chair like we were on a first date and I smiled at him. "Thank you, sir." I teased.

"Anything for a beautiful girl." He smiled and kissed my hand gallantly.

Playing with him a little, I said in mock surprise, "Oh, are you Australian? I love Aussies."

"Ripper! Pash a bloke before joining him for a grog then, Sheila?" he said back, massively over-exaggerating his accent.

I laughed at him and bent in to give him the kiss he'd asked for. "You are such a dork."

"Yeah, but you love me anyway." He kissed me back.

"Hmmm...yeah." I smiled, then turned when I felt eyes on my back.

Kellan was behind me, watching us blankly. I was trying to get things back to normal; I wished Kellan would at least try too. His melancholy was really starting to get to me. He sat down and poured everyone a beer, not looking at either of us.

Denny didn't seem to notice his mood. "When does your friend go on?" he asked him cheerfully.

Kellan briefly looked over at him. "Another twenty minutes or so." He took a long drink from his beer while a woman passed by and not-so subtly eyed him up and down. Surprisingly, he only gave her a cursory glance, and then returned his attention to his beer. In a noticeable huff, she stalked off.

The twenty minutes it took for the band to finally start felt like twenty hours. Our little trio was pretty quiet. Denny would try to start a conversation with Kellan, only to have Kellan give him one or two word responses. Eventually Denny stopped trying. My irritation at Kellan was growing minute by achingly long minute.

Finally the band did start to play, and Denny and I left the sulking Kellan at the table while we laughed and danced by the stage. In-between twirls and dips, I cast glances at the table, only to see Kellan watching us with an unreadable expression on his face. Girls occasionally tried to get him out with the dancing group too, but he seemed to be turning everyone down. Again my irritation with him grew. What was his problem?

During the set break we came back to the table, to hastily finish our beers and relax for a few minutes. I noticed that it was starting to cool down outside, but I felt warm from dancing around with Denny. Kellan sat quietly, staring at the empty glass in his hand when suddenly Denny's cell phone started ringing. Startled, I looked over at him as he sheepishly answered it. I hadn't realized he had brought it. I tried to not be irritated at that. It was his job, I guess. He spoke for a few seconds with someone before he started saying "hello" a couple times.

"Damn," Denny muttered as he shut the phone. "Battery died". Glancing over at me, he shook his head apologetically. "Sorry, I really need to call Max back. I'm gonna check inside, see if I can use their phone."

I smiled over at him, forcing down my irritation. Tonight was about having fun, not being bitter. "No problem, we'll be here." I nodded my head over to Kellan's chair. Kellan still wasn't looking at us. He sat awkwardly, still staring at the glass in his hands with a slight frown on his face.

Denny stood and kissed me on the cheek before turning to go back inside the bar. Kellan sighed quietly and shifted in his chair. I watched Denny disappear into the crowd and turned to look at Kellan. Sudden irritation at his odd behavior, and quite honestly, Denny's phone call, finally made me snap. "You said you were fine with this. What is with you?"

Kellan looked over at me, his blue eyes intense. "I'm having a fabulous time. What could you possibly mean?" His voice was flat, cold. I looked away and worked on keeping my breathing constant and even, my anger in check. I didn't want to ruin this night for Denny, by fighting with Kellan.

"Nothing, I guess."

Kellan set down his glass and abruptly stood up. "Tell Denny that I was feeling ill... " he paused as if he was going to say something more, then shook his head slightly and only said, "I'm done." His voice was still very cold and the words came out with a finality that knotted a ball in my stomach. I suddenly felt that he wasn't just talking about tonight.

I slowly stood and looked him in the eyes. His were narrowed slightly as he watched me intently. Without another word, he turned and headed for the gate in the fence behind us, that led to the side parking lot where we had all parked earlier in the evening. I watched him leave for a second. Tall, lean and muscular in just the right way, he was beyond good-looking, closer to perfection. I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my gut as I watched him open the gate. I just knew that once he closed that door, I would never see him again. Something started to break inside me as I considered that.

I should let him walk away. He was moody - always cold and silently brooding. And before that he had been a total ass - poking and prodding my relationship with Denny, making suggestive comments about our one night together, and the secret we kept from everyone. Glimpses of that night passed in my head - his strong arms, his tender hands, his soft lips. I tried to think past that, to a time when he had only been a friend, a good friend. Fighting the sudden tears that stung my eyes, I darted to the gate after him.

He was halfway to his car by the time I was closing the gate behind me. "Kellan!" My voice sounded too high to me, too panicked. Get a grip, I thought angrily. Say goodbye, let him go and get your ass back to the bar to wait for Denny. "Please, wait."

He slowed and looked over his shoulder at me. I couldn't quite tell from the distance, but his shoulders seem to slump in a sigh. "What are you doing, Kiera?" The question seemed full of double meaning.

I caught up with him, grabbing his arm to stop him and turn him around towards me. "Wait, please stay."

He knocked my hand away, almost angrily, and ran his fingers through his thick hair. He looked up at the sky for a brief moment before locking his eyes to mine. "I can't do this anymore."

Expecting one of his flippant, suggestive remarks, the sudden seriousness in his voice caught me off guard and turned the knot in my stomach to ice. "Can't do what...stay? You know Denny would want to say goodbye to you." The words sounded feeble and wrong, even to my ears. This had nothing to do with Denny...or maybe everything.

He shook his head slightly and looked over my shoulder before again returning his gaze to mine. "I can't stay here...in Seattle. I'm leaving."

The tears that threatened before were now there in force. Damn, what was wrong with my body? Isn't this exactly what I hoped he would do? I should be slapping him on the back and saying, "Great, have a good time." Things would be so much easier here with him gone - his coldness, his irritating comments, the never-ending line of women fawning over him, his insanely-blue eyes following me everywhere, the intimate memories that sometimes popped into my head...


I grabbed his arm again. He stiffened, but didn't knock me away. "No, please, don't leave! Stay...stay here with...with us. Just don't go..." My voice broke at the end and I couldn't understand why I was saying these things to him. I meant to say goodbye. Why were the words coming out so wrong?

He looked at the tears coursing down my cheeks like he was trying to solve a problem he didn't understand. "I... Why are you...? You said..." He swallowed and stared over my shoulder, like he couldn't bear to watch anymore. "You don't... You and me aren't... I thought you..." He exhaled slowly, composing himself, and looked back to my eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been cold, but I can't stay, Kiera. I can't watch it anymore. I need to leave..." His voice trailed off in a whisper.

I blinked in disbelief, still waiting to wake from this weird dream. Feeling at my silence that the odd conversation was over, he started to turn away from me. Gut wrenching panic made my body react faster than my mind could follow.

"No!" I practically yelled at him and gripping his arm even tighter than before, I pulled him closer to me. "Please, tell me this isn't because of me, because of you and me..."

"Kiera..."

I brought my other hand to his chest and stepped closer to him. "No, don't leave because I was stupid. You had a good thing here before I..."

He backed up a half-step, but left my hand on his chest. "It's not...it's not you. You didn't do anything wrong. You belong to Denny. I never should have..." He sighed sadly. "You...you and Denny are both..."

I stepped closer to him again and pressed myself against him, tears still lightly falling on my cheeks. "Both what?"

He froze and exhaled brokenly, gazing at me intently. "You're both...important to me," he whispered.

I leaned in closer, bringing my head closer to his as he looked down at me, breathing slowly through his parted lips. "Important...how?"

He lightly shook his head and retreated another half step. "Kiera...let me go. You don't want this..." he whispered. "Go back inside, go back to Denny." He moved his hand to pull me off his arm, but I smacked it away.

The word slipped out before I could stop it. "Stay."

"Please, Kiera, go," he whispered, his beautiful eyes suddenly glistening, his perfect face torn.

"Stay...please. Stay with me...don't leave me," I begged quietly, my voice breaking on the last word. I didn't know what I was saying. I just couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again.

One single tear rolled down his cheek and the thing inside me broke completely. His pain, his suffering, awakened feelings in me for him that I had never felt before. I wanted to protect him, I wanted to heal him. I would give anything to take his pain away. The coldness, the irritation, the women, Denny, right and wrong - the pain in his eyes, made everything in mine slip away.

Softly, he still pleaded, but with me or with himself? "Don't. I don't want..."

Thoughtless, I placed my free hand upon his cheek and wiped the tear away with my thumb. Instantly I knew it was a mistake. The touch was far too intimate. The heat of his skin seemed to radiate all the way up my arm, igniting my whole body. His breath stopped as our eyes locked and I knew I needed to turn and run back to the bar as fast as I could. I also knew it was too late.

"Kiera, please...let me go," he whispered.

I ignored him and brought my other hand to the back of his neck. I pulled him to me until my lips brushed his. I couldn't bear to look at his face, to see what he was thinking - I didn't know what I was thinking - so I closed my eyes tightly and softly pressed against him again. His body stiffened, but his lips didn't resist me.

"Don't do this..." he whispered, almost too softly for me to hear, and I still didn't know which one of us he was talking to. I pressed harder against his lips and he made a noise, almost as if in pain. "What are you doing, Kiera?" he whispered his question again, his body still rigid.

I paused with my lips barely brushing his. "I don't know...just don't leave me, please don't leave me," I whispered breathlessly, keeping my eyes firmly closed, not wanting to see his reaction to my begging.

He exhaled softly and whispered, "Kiera...please..." Then, finally, and with a shudder passing through his entire body, he roughly pressed his lips to mine, kissing me intensely.

He brought his arms firmly around my waist and clutched me tightly against him. His lips parted and his tongue brushed mine. I made a noise at the sensation, at the taste of him and eagerly sought him again. Through the mental fog of feeling my lips move against his and my fingers locking into his thick hair, I was vaguely aware that we were moving. He was pulling me slowly forward. I didn't know where or why and I didn't care, as long as he didn't stop touching me. I felt him bump against something solid and took the opportunity to press him back into it, pushing myself as close to him as physically possible. His breath quickened along with mine, and he groaned as he pulled me against him.

His hands slipped under my shirt to clutch at my lower back and I sighed as his skin caressed mine. One of his hands pulled away and reached behind him, to whatever he was pressed against. I heard a click and finally cracked my eyes open, to see where we were.

He was leaning against the closed door of the espresso stand that sat in the middle of the parking lot. Somewhere in my head I knew it was nearby, I just hadn't realized we were that close to it. The hand he had removed from my back was twisted around behind him, turning the doorknob. Miraculously the door was unlocked and opened easily. The part of me that could still perform rational thought, wondered what he would have done if the door had been locked? The majority of my brain couldn't care less. I just wanted to be somewhere slightly more private than this wide open parking lot.

He pushed back from the door slightly, so he could shove it open. Our lips stopped for a moment and I risked a glance into his eyes. My breath stopped at the passion I saw in them. I couldn't think. I couldn't move. All I could do was stare into those deep blue, blazing eyes. He brought his hand around to my back and then slid both of them down. Clutching my upper thighs, he effortlessly picked me up and we backed into the dark stand.

Gently, he released me and closed the door. We stood in the dark for a moment - my arms tight around his neck, one of his hands around my waist, the other lightly pressed against the closed door. It was quiet and our breathing seemed amplified in the stillness. Something about the darkness, the feel of my body pressed against his and the intensity of our breath, snapped my brain off, and the last portion that held any rational thought left me. All that remained was passion, no, need...intense, burning need.

He moved then. Slowly, and gripping me very tightly, he sank us to our knees.

My hands flew to his jacket, hastily pulling it off before attacking his shirt, almost frantically tearing the fabric off his body. My eyes had adjusted well enough to the soft light coming in through the high windows, that I could see his sculpted chest. His muscles were surprisingly hard, yet his skin was astonishingly soft. Perfect. I ran my fingers down that skin, grazing my fingertips over the deep lines, while his chest rose and fell with his heavy breath. I traced every defined crease of his abdomen, lingering on the long V at the bottom. He groaned deeply and sucked in a quick breath. I felt my body respond instantly, felt the ache for him building, and made a pleasant noise of my own when he brought his warm mouth to my neck. His lips trailed down my skin as he slipped off my jacket and unbuttoned my shirt. I was getting overwhelmed, almost impatient, I wanted him so much. I ripped my shirt off once he undid the last button, so I could feel our skin press together.


He exhaled heavily and raking his eyes up and down my body in a way that made me shiver, he ran a palm down my neck, down my chest, and down to my waist; my skin burned pleasurably wherever he touched me. I moaned so loudly that, if I'd have had a conscious thought left, I'd have been really embarrassed about it. He exhaled again and ran his hand right back up my skin, pausing to cup my breast and tease the nipple through the light fabric. My breath was almost a pant and I arched against his hand. I couldn't take any more of this. I needed him, now. I found his lips again; his breath was coming as quickly as mine.

Reaching out with one arm, he lowered us both to the floor and I didn't even care that it was filthy. The aroma of coffee assaulted me. It mixed with his enticing scent in such an appealing way, that I knew I would forever combine the two. I lightly raked my fingers down his back and he made a deep noise in his throat that thrilled me. I eagerly pushed his hips away from me, so I could get to his jeans. He groaned with need and inhaled through his teeth, as I unbuttoned and unzipped them. I pushed them down his hips and paused a moment to take in the sight of him. He was incredibly ready for me, hard and straining against his clothes, and the knowledge that my body did that to him, made me ache, desperately ready as well. My fingers lightly traveled down the length of him and he gently pushed his hips into me as his forehead dropped to touch mine. I curled my hand around him, through his shorts, remembering what him being inside of me felt like, needing to feel it again. His lips attacked mine as his hands suddenly got very busy, scrunching up my loose skirt and roughly pulling down my underwear. I couldn't think. I wanted him so badly it hurt.

"Oh god...please, Kellan..." I moaned in his ear.

He quickly adjusted his clothes and pushed himself into me before my addled brain could even process what had happened. I had to lightly bite his shoulder to keep from screaming out with the pleasure of it. He buried his head in my neck and paused to catch his breath. In my impatience, I raised my hips to his and he groaned, pushing hard against me. I wanted it harder. Surprisingly I told him so, and he roughly, and eagerly, obliged.

"God, Kiera..." I heard a faint, "god...yes," and then he muttered something else incomprehensible into my neck. His words, his tone, and his hot breath across my skin, sent a shockwave through my body and I gripped him even tighter.

Scorching heat raged through me and I shook lightly from the intensity. It was familiar, but new. It was so much different than the first time - more intense, harder and rougher...yet inexplicably sweeter, all at the same time. He plunged hard and deep, and I eagerly met him for each thrust, neither one of us caring about prolonging this - just needing to satisfy the ache that was building second by second. As every sensation in my body started rising, as I could feel the end of the crest approaching, I lost control of what very little control I had left. I couldn't hold back the sounds my body demanded I made, and it pleased me greatly that he had given up as well, his groans and cries matching my own.

In the final moment of pure ecstasy, when I could feel my body clenching around the length of him deep inside of me as I came, my fingers once again raked down his back...but this time hard - very, very hard. I felt the wetness of his blood as I cut through skin and he gasped in...pain... pleasure? It only intensified the moment for me, and I let out a long cry as I rode out the warm sensation expanding deep within my core. He answered with a deep moan of his own, and clutched my thigh so hard I knew I would bruise, as he drove into me a final few times with his own release.

In the very next moment, that very instant that all of the passion leeched from my body, my rational brain woke up. With an icy blast that made my whole body shiver, I realized in horror what we had just done - what I had just done. I closed my eyes. It was a dream, just an intense dream. Any second, I'll wake up. Only...it wasn't. I brought shaking hands to my mouth and tried in vain to choke back the sobs that were now unstoppable.

Kellan looked away from me. Pulling back slightly, he fixed his jeans before sitting back on his heels. Staring at the floor, he grabbed his shirt and limply held it in his hands while his whole body shook lightly from the cold.

My stomach clenched and I feared I might vomit as I struggled to fix my skirt and slip my underwear back up. I found my blouse and managed to slip the shirt back on, redoing the buttons with one hand, while clutching my mouth closed with the other, afraid that if I let go, I would lose the battle with my stomach. My whole body shook with racking sobs. Other then lightly shaking, Kellan never moved, never looked up from the floor, made no attempt to help me in any way.

My mind couldn't process anything. I couldn't understand what had happened, how my body had so vehemently betrayed my mind. Why would I let him touch me that way? Why would I so eagerly touch him, want him, beg him? And god...Denny... I couldn't even finish that thought.

Sniffling, I muttered, "Kellan...?"

He looked up. Glistening, his eyes met mine, the passion that had flared in them such a short while ago, now completely extinguished. "I tried to do the right thing. Why couldn't you just let me leave?" he whispered roughly.

His question fractured my heart into a thousand pieces and the sobbing started yet again. Shaking, I grabbed my jacket from the floor, stood up and moved towards the closed door. Kellan looked back down to the floor and made no move to stop me. I quietly opened the door and took one last look at him. Still kneeling with his shirt in his hands, I finally noticed the thin, bright red streaks down his back, ending with fine trails of dripping blood. I gasped and made a move towards him.

"Don't," he murmured quietly, never moving his head. "Just go. Denny has probably noticed your absence by now." His tone was flat and very cold.

In tears, I threw open the door and ran into the cool night air.