Thoughtless

Chapter 8

The A*shole

The following morning I woke up groggy; it had been really hard to crawl back into bed with Denny. Especially when in his slumber, he had sighed happily and reached out for me. The guilt that had washed through me then had almost made me bolt from the room, yet again. But I made myself close my eyes and stay there.

So, as I turned the corner to the kitchen in the morning, surprise stopped me in the doorway. Even dead drunk the night before, Kellan still woke before me. But unlike every other morning since I had moved in, for the first time ever that I had seen in fact - Kellan looked like crap. He had thrown his t-shirt from last night back on, but was still in his boxers. His hair, while still messy and fabulous, seemed to accentuate how tired his face looked, highlighted the deep circles under his eyes and his shockingly pale skin. He was sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over, with his head held in his hands. He was breathing very slowly and carefully through his mouth.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

He grimaced in pain and looked up at me. "Yes," he whispered back. He looked anything but.

"Coffee?" I barely breathed the word, to spare him a little pain.

He cringed anyway, but nodded his head. I went over to make a pot, looking at him curiously. Having just been through what he felt now, I did empathize with him, although it was his own fault for getting that ripping drunk. I tried to make as little noise as possible, but every clink, every bump, even the water running, made him wince a little. He must really be in pain.

I couldn't help but wonder who, or what, had driven him to such excess. Where had he been all day yesterday while I was suffering? I tried to run through our limited conversation last night, but he hadn't said more than a couple sentences, so I wasn't getting any clues about what he had been out doing. One comment he had made, did stand out however.

Without thinking, I blurted it out at regular volume. "How did you know Denny was back?" His head sank to the table in a groan and I guiltily covered my mouth with my hand.

"Saw his coat," he mumbled.

I blinked, surprised. He hadn't seemed aware of anything last night, let alone something as small and insignificant as a jacket on the chair.

"Oh." Not knowing what else to say about that, and worried about his suddenly paler color, I asked him again, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Irritation flared in his eyes as he glanced up at me. "I'm fine," he stated coldly.

Confused, I finished making the coffee and waited at the counter while it brewed. Once it was done, I grabbed two mugs from the cupboard. Suddenly he broke the quietness. "Are you...okay?" he asked slowly.

I looked over at him. He had an odd look on his face as he watched me. Hoping he felt a little better, I smiled at him reassuringly. "Yes, I'm great."

A wave of nausea seemed to pass over him. He laid his arms down on the table and buried his head in them. His breathing was forced, like he was trying very hard again to keep it even. I started pouring our cups of coffee, hoping that would somehow help him.

"Put a little Jack in that." He turned slightly towards me, so I could understand him. I smirked back at him. He wasn't serious, was he? He raised his head to look at me, no humor in his eyes. "Please."

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "Whatever."

I scrounged as quietly as I could above the fridge for a bottle of Jack Daniels. I set the bottle on the table in front of him. Kellan didn't move his head from his arms. Making my cream and sugar coffee, I left one black and set it quietly in front of him. He still didn't move. I poured just a smidge of Jack in, and then attempted to close the bottle.

Kellan coughed at me, and motioned with his fingers to pour more, his head still resting on his arms. I sighed and let an obscenely large amount go into his mug. He lifted his head a tiny bit and glanced at me. "Thank you."


I put the bottle away and joined him at the table. He took a rather long sip of his coffee, inhaling through his teeth a little bit afterwards. It was probably a little strong. I hoped, at the very least, it would help his head.

I sipped my coffee in silence, not knowing what to say to this man, that such a short time ago, I had been so intimate with. I had a million questions, most revolving around whether or not I had meant anything to him...and whether our relationship was intact...and where the heck did he go yesterday? I finally decided that there was only one pressing issue that I needed to discuss with him now, while Denny was still upstairs.

"Kellan..." I really did not want to have this conversation, "the other night..." He watched me over his coffee. I couldn't tell what he was thinking and he said nothing.

I cleared my throat. "I just don't want a...misunderstanding," I finished quietly. I didn't really know what I meant by that. I didn't know how I felt about this man, who had been nothing but sweet to me while Denny was away. I couldn't ponder it though...not with Denny back. I just didn't want our friendship to change. He was...important to me.

He took a long draw on his coffee again before responding. "Kiera...there are no misunderstandings between us." His voice was cold and flat, it gave me chills. My stomach clenched as I wondered if it was too late, if our friendship was already too changed.

We sat in silence and finished the rest of our coffees. I poured another black one for Kellan and watched, relieved, when he drank it without alcohol. A little while later, Denny came down, saying hello to Kellan and looking at him quizzically, since he really did look awful.

"You okay, mate?" he asked politely, while slipping an arm around my shoulder as I sat at the table. I tensed, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable with Denny and Kellan in the same room.

Kellan flinched a little. "No, actually, I'm going to go lie back down. Glad you're home, Denny." He walked by him, avoiding his eyes, and I heard him head back up the stairs.

Denny watched him leave, frowning. "God, he looks awful. Wonder what happened to him?"

"Probably some girl." There was some irritation in my voice when I said that, and Denny looked down at me.

"Everything all right between you two, while I was gone?" He smiled when he said it, so I wasn't sure if he suspected anything or not.

My stomach gave me a fluttery panic attack, but I managed to smile and slip my arms around his waist. "Except for how much I missed you, everything was fine." I felt horrid. Maybe I should just tell him?

His eyes glowed with warmth and love as he looked down on me. I realized then, that I couldn't tell him, even if I wanted to. I couldn't stand those eyes looking at me in any other way. He leaned down and kissed me sweetly. "I missed you too...but..."

I pulled back and looked at him cautiously. "But, what?"

He sighed softly. "I don't have a job now, Kiera. We can't stay here on just your income. I need to meet some people today, see if I can't get something lined up." He shrugged and looked at me hopefully.

I bit back my irritation, remembering all that he had given up for me. Remembering how much he should be angry at me...if he only knew. "Right now...?" I asked, equally hopeful that he would decide to start tomorrow, and I could have him for a full day, after so much time apart. I could skip school, heck, I could skip work, to be with him today.

"I'm sorry. I need to get on this right away. I know a half-dozen people I could talk to today." He pulled me up from the chair into a hug and I closed my eyes, wishing he would stay, but knowing he needed to leave...yet again.

"Fine..." I lifted my head up and kissed his neck. "I know you'll find something...being brilliant and all." I half-grinned at him. "No worries, right?"

He laughed. "Right...she'll be apples."

I frowned. "I've never understood that one, but...yeah."

He smiled as he looked down at me. "How did I get so lucky?" he asked me softly.

I couldn't stop the small tears of guilt from springing to my eyes. If he only knew...he wouldn't think nearly as highly of me. Taking my tears for happiness, he kissed my cheek and led me back upstairs, where he got dressed and ready to leave to try and find some work. I sat on the bed, watching him in silence. I tried not to worry about him finding something...and tried not to feel guilty about it either. But the guilt came anyway. Guilt over the loss of his job, guilt over Kellan, over the secrets I had to hide from Denny now. I had never had any secrets from him before. I didn't like it.

He kissed me goodbye on the bed, eager to get a jump on his hopeful day. I kissed him back and wished him good luck. I could hear him walk down the stairs, hear the door close and hear his car pull away. Loneliness swept over me. How did forty-eight hours change...everything? I stayed on the bed for awhile considering that, and then with a sigh, I got dressed for school.

I didn't see Kellan again, as I fixed my hair and makeup, grabbed my book bag and a jacket, and made my way outside. I looked over at the empty driveway. Kellan would have to pick up his car from Sam's later, I thought idly. I looked back at the house, at the window that looked into the kitchen. Surprisingly, Kellan was standing there, watching me leave, his face unreadable. I started to wave goodbye but he turned almost immediately and was gone. I swallowed back the sudden emotion. How badly had I messed up our friendship?

My head was impossible to keep in the lectures today. I kept drifting between happiness that Denny was back, to guilt that he'd given up so much for me, to guilt that I had been unfaithful to him, to grief at the loss of my friendship with Kellan, to irritation that I didn't seem to mean as much to Kellan as I'd thought, to irritation at myself for wanting it to mean something more to him, back to guilt, that he was taking up so much of my thoughts and not Denny, which started the whole vicious cycle again. My head hurt by the end of the day.

Denny was still out job-hunting when I got back home. I walked through the front door and decided that a little mindless TV might distract my dark thoughts. As I looked into the living room, I saw that Kellan was sprawled out on the couch, still in his boxers, staring at the TV, but probably not even seeing it. I debated just going upstairs and hiding until Denny got home. I shook my head a little, putting down my bag and hanging up my jacket. As casually as I could, I walked into the room and sat down in the chair opposite the couch. Eventually things would have to get back to normal, this weirdness would have to pass, and I didn't want to prolong it by avoiding him.

He flicked his eyes to me as I sat down, and then resumed silently watching his dull TV show. Suddenly uncomfortable, and thinking maybe this was a bad idea, I swallowed and scanned the room. The couple pieces of art that Jenny and I had picked out really had brightened up the place. That and the few photos I had taken of all of us and scattered here and there. It made everything much cheerier. I know guys usually don't care about decor, but it had seemed sparse, even for a bachelor. Maybe he had a strict landlord. Great, maybe I'd messed up more than he let on by putting this stuff up?

Staring at a picture of the three of us, smiling and happy, back when things were simple, I asked him a question without pausing to consider it. "Who do you rent this place from?"

His voice from the couch was cold and flat, his eyes never leaving the TV. "I don't. It's mine."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "How did you affor..." I didn't know if that sounded rude or not, so I didn't finish my question.


He flicked another glance at me, and answered with, "My parents." His eyes went back to the TV. "They died in a car crash, a couple years ago. Left me their...palace." He waved his hand to indicate the room. "Only child and all..." He said the last part like his parents wouldn't have left it to him, if there had been a choice.

"Oh...I'm so sorry."

I was wishing I could have rewound time a few moments and kept my big mouth shut. He still looked to be ill, and this conversation was probably not what he wanted right now. I was a little surprised that he had answered me though. I looked around the room again and remembered how barren it had looked a few short weeks ago. It certainly had never given me the impression of a childhood home.

"Don't be. It happens."

He could have been talking about his pet dying, not his parents. I remembered Denny's comment about Kellan's family life. I wanted to ask him about it, but it didn't seem right, after the night we had shared together. That had definitely been intimate, but somehow, asking him about his family felt even more intimate.

"Why do you rent the room then? I mean, if you own the house?" Why was I still having this conversation with him?

He turned his head to look at me thoughtfully. He started to say something, but abruptly shut his mouth and shook his head. Turning back to the TV, he coldly said, "The extra money comes in handy."

I didn't buy it, but I didn't press him either.

Suddenly feeling sorry that I ever brought up what had to be a painful topic for him, I went over to sit on the edge of the couch beside him. He looked up at me warily. "I didn't mean to pry, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." He swallowed forcibly and I watched the movement of his throat idly.

Purely intending to give him a hug, as he seriously looked in need of one, I leaned over across his chest, bringing my hands underneath him. He radiated warmth, but he was shaking slightly, breathing shallowly. He left his arms on the couch, not returning my hug and his body stiffened slightly. Sighing softly, I remembered how easy and comfortable touching him used to be...apparently, that was gone now too. I pulled back a little, to ask him if he needed anything.

My breath stopped when I noticed his face, his eyes. His face looked pained, like I was hurting him. His eyes were gazing past my shoulder, intently focused on anything but me, and they were narrowed in anger. His breathing was shallow and fast through his open lips. I immediately let go of him.

"Kellan...?"

"Excuse me..." he said roughly and sat up on the couch.

I lightly grabbed his arm, not knowing what I was going to say, just not wanting him mad at me. "Wait...talk to me, please."

He slid his gaze over to mine, his eyes cold and angry. "There is nothing to say." He shook his head, irritated. "I have to go." He brushed my hand away and stood up.

"Go?" I asked quietly, staying where I was on the couch.

"I have to get my car..." he said as he left the room.

"Oh...but..." I stopped talking as I heard his door shut loudly.

Mentally, I slapped myself. Way to inappropriately bring up a painful subject and hurt your roommate, that you also inappropriately had sex with just a couple of days ago. Smooth Kiera. Man, I was on a roll.

I stayed on the couch, watching TV but not seeing a frame of it, my mind too lost in thought. Kellan came down the stairs awhile later, fully dressed and showered, his wavy hair damp and delightfully messy. His face was pale and his eyes looked tired, but he did look slightly better. He didn't look at me, but grabbed his jacket, like he was leaving.

"Kellan..." I said his name without thinking. For some reason, I just didn't want him to leave yet. He looked over at me, his eyes that had been so cold earlier, looked a little sad now.

I stood up and walked over to him. I started blushing as I approached him, feeling incredibly stupid for our earlier conversation and for the other night. I quickly looked down but not before I saw him frown at me. When I could see his boots in my vision, I stopped, figuring I was close enough.

Still looking down, I mumbled, "I really am sorry about your parents." I risked a look back up to his face.

He visibly relaxed. I hadn't realized he had tensed up on my approach. He looked at me thoughtfully for a second before responding. "It's okay, Kiera," he said quietly, his eyes still sad.

Are we okay? Are we friends? Do you care for me? Do I care for you? I had so many questions, but watching his sad, blue eyes watch me, my brain couldn't form them. Not knowing what else to do, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He looked away and swallowed, then turning from me he headed out the door.

I went to the kitchen and watched him from the window this time. He stood on the sidewalk with his fingers on the bridge of his nose, like he had a headache again. For a moment, I wondered what he was doing, but then I remembered that his car wasn't here. Within moments, headlights splashed against the window as Griffin pulled up in his VW Vanagon, which on any other day I would have found funny. Kellan went around to the other side of the car and looked back at the window before getting inside. He startled a bit at seeing me in the window watching him. Then he stared at me with an intense expression that made my heart beat faster. Shaking his head, he turned away and got in the car. Seconds later, Griffin drove away.

Looking dejected, Denny came home about twenty minutes later; must not have gone well. New guilt surged through me as I painfully swallowed a lump. Would this crushing guilt ever leave me? He put on his best, fake smile and sat on the bathroom counter, making small talk with me as I got ready for work. He always tried to make me happy, always tried to spare me pain.

He gave me a ride to work, asking me about what I did while he was gone. Most of it I had already told him on our numerous phone calls, and, of course, some of it I would never tell him, but I managed to remember a few funny stories that I hadn't mentioned. We laughed as I reminisced all the way there. We were holding hands and still chuckling over some stupid comment Griffin had made one day, as he walked me into the bar.

Instantly upon seeing Jenny's jaw drop, I remembered just how much had changed since my half-shift last night. She composed herself and walked over to us, grinning from ear to ear.

"Denny! I'm so glad to see you." She flew into his arms to give him a huge hug.

A little surprised by her enthusiasm, he blinked and awkwardly hugged her back. I couldn't help but laugh a little. She was obviously so happy to see him, because she was happy for me - that we were back together, but Denny, not fully comprehending that, had the cutest confused look on his face.

Jenny pulled back and playfully smacked his face. "Don't ever make my girl break up with you again - she was a mess!" Then she lightly kissed his still bewildered face on the cheek and turned to give me a hug. "See...I told you it would work out," she whispered in my ear.

Grateful, I returned her hug. "Thank you so much, Jenny." I pulled back. "I still owe you half a shift. Don't forget you're leaving early tonight."

She smiled at me and grabbed my arms. "I didn't." She nodded over to a handsome man at the bar. "That's my date..." Denny and I both turned to look at him while she continued, "We're going to that new club in the square as soon as I get off work."

Smiling, I turned back to her. "Why don't you go now? Grab some dinner first or something. Monday's are pretty quiet...and I really do owe you."

She looked back to him, then to me, her beautiful face frowning a bit. "Are you sure? I don't mind staying a few hours...at least 'til after the dinner rush fades."


Denny perked up. "I'll help her." He smiled over at me. "I wipe down a pretty mean table."

I laughed at him and turned back to her. "See, we're good. Go...have fun."

She laughed and hugged me again. "Okay...thanks." She kissed Denny again on the cheek. "And, thank you, Denny. Good to see you again, really."

Smiling, she headed to the bar and chatted with her date, then headed to the backroom to change. I turned to Denny, who was smiling softly at me. "A mess, huh?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head at the memory of just what that break-up had put me through...and what I had stupidly done to ease the pain. "You have no idea, Denny." And, please let it stay that way...

His smile left him and he pulled me in for a hug and a tender kiss. Someone in the bar groaned dramatically and laughing, we pulled apart. "Come on..." I tugged his arm, pulling him to the backroom. "We have work to do!"

The next morning, I came down to the kitchen and stopped in the entryway. Kellan was already there, of course. He was waiting for the coffee pot to finish brewing, leaning back against the counter, head raised to the ceiling, apparently deep in thought. He was, once again, stunningly perfect, like yesterday had never happened. His eyes slid over to mine, once he noticed my entrance. He half-smiled, but his eyes were cold, distant. Great, still awkward.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Mornin'." He nodded at me, his eyes never leaving mine.

I finally looked away from his intense stare and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. I waited in silence for the pot to finish brewing, wishing things weren't quite so weird between us, and feeling guilty that they were. Finally, the coffee was done and he poured his mug then held the pot out to me.

"Would you like me to fill you?" The odd way he phrased it made me look up at his eyes again. They were still cold, but he was now grinning mischievously at me. It made me very uncomfortable.

"Um...yes." I couldn't think of any other way to answer his almost crude sounding question.

My response made him grin wickedly. "Cream?"

I swallowed, not liking the look on his face or his odd sounding questions. What was with him today? I think I would have preferred his silence. "Yes," I finally whispered.

He grinned and went to the fridge to grab some for me. I briefly considered leaving the coffee and heading back upstairs, but he was back before I could move. He held up the creamer. "Just let me know when you're satisfied." His voice was low and smooth, and still very cold.

He watched my eyes while he poured, and only a fraction of what I usually used came out before I told him to stop. He leaned in very close to me and whispered, "Are you sure you want me to stop? I thought you liked it."

I swallowed loudly and turned away from him. He laughed coldly while I fumbled through getting some sugar and stirring my coffee. Seriously, what the hell was with him?

His eyes never leaving me, he finally asked, "So you and Denny are...'back on'?" He said the last two words rather suggestively.

I blushed. "Yes."

"Just like that..." He cocked his head to the side, which was usually endearing, but at the moment looked almost threatening. "No questions asked?" I panicked a minute, wondering what he meant by that. Did he change his mind about telling him? I searched his cold eyes but they told me nothing. Smiling oddly, he asked, "Are you going to tell him about..." He made a crude movement with his hands and I blushed more.

"No...of course not." I looked away from him and then quickly back. "Are you?"

He shrugged. "No, I told you I wouldn't. It doesn't matter much to me anyway." His voice was ice, it gave me chills. "I was just curious..."

"Well, no I'm not...and thank you, for not telling him...I guess," I whispered. My irritation at this odd conversation suddenly flared. "What happened to you the other night?" I blurted out.

He grabbed his coffee mug and grinned wickedly, his eyes boring into mine. He took a long draw without answering. His grin was answer enough. I decided I didn't want to know what, or who, had 'happened' to him. Not being able to take his weirdness anymore, I turned with my coffee to head back upstairs. I could feel his eyes following me the entire way around the corner.

I tried to forget about Kellan's oddness and lose my problems in my schoolwork. I was in one of the libraries (and it was quite possibly one of the most impressive libraries I've ever seen - very Harry Potterish) getting some studying done in the hour I had between Lit and Psychology, when a familiar looking redhead came close to my table. She frowned over at me and I frowned back, wondering why she looked so familiar. It took a second before the springy red curls registered in my head.

Candy...Kellan's over-eager fling. I cringed and quickly looked down as I realized just how much I had in common with her now. She walked rather stiffly back to a table where two of her friends were waiting. I guess Kellan had never called her; she looked pretty miffed. She pointed over at me and her friends gaped openly. I tried not to notice. I didn't see how I could be so interesting to them anyway.

Later in Psych, both of the girls she had been talking to, who I had never realized were even in that class, plopped down on either side of me. "Hi," the blonde one cheerily said. "I'm Tina. This is Genevieve." The brunette smiled warmly and waved.

"Hello," I said meekly, wishing to suddenly disappear.

"Our friend, Candy, said she saw you at school with Kellan Kyle a while ago...that true?" Tina asked excitedly, barely containing her glee.

Okay, right to the point. "Umm, yeah."

She glowed and her friend giggled. "Ohhh - you know him?"

Mentally I cringed; boy, did I ever know him. "Yes, he's my roommate."

The brunette, Genevieve smacked my shoulder. "Shut up!"

I thought Tina might have a coronary. Gathering herself, she leaned into me, like we were suddenly best friends "What was your name again?"

Not having said it before, I quietly answered, "Kiera. Kiera Allen."

"Kiera, so tell me, are you and Kellan like a...thing?" Genevieve asked suggestively.

Mentally wincing, I looked at the wall clock and cursed the professor for being late, today of all days. Without looking at her, I answered, "No. He's friends with my boyfriend." That was a mostly true statement, I guess. I didn't know what Kellan and I were...especially now, but we were most definitely not a "thing".

That seemed to make both of them even giddier, like my statement had completely removed me as an obstacle to them. It un-nerved me, and oddly made me relax a little. I guess I should have expected his pseudo-stardom to follow me, but I hadn't, and I really didn't want anyone to analyze our relationship. I couldn't even do that. The less they thought about me the better.

"Damn! He's so hot!" Genevieve exclaimed. "Tell us everything - every juicy detail!"

"There's not much to tell...he's just a regular guy." True, a very hot guy, who was an ass to me this morning, but a regular guy. I had no idea what else to tell them, and the juicy details that I did know, I most certainly was not about to share. I really would rather sit here in silence and listen to the professor, who had finally shown up and was preparing to start class, but the girls didn't seem to care if he was there or not. Not with me, a spy on their rock-god, here sitting beside them. They did lower their voices, but they ceaselessly asked me questions throughout the whole class.


At first I just ignored them. They didn't stop. Then I tried answering some of the simple questions, hoping that would satisfy them. Does he have a girlfriend? No, I don't think so. None that I had ever seen anyway. Does he play his guitar all the time? Yes. Does he sing in the shower? Yes. I blushed a little when I answered that, for some reason, and they giggled. Does he have a brother? No. I frowned a little. No, he was actually completely alone. Where do you live? Seattle. I answered that a little sarcastically. I wasn't about to give them any more than that. Does he wear boxers or briefs? I have no idea. I did know that one, but I wasn't about to let them know that I knew. Is he hot all the time? Yes. I sighed softly, thinking about how he always looked perfect every morning, while I looked like walking death...well, except for that one time. The girls giggled again. Have you seen him naked? There was no way I was going to answer that, and they giggled anyway at my silence, probably taking it for a yes...which, of course it was.

I looked back at the clock. Ugh, only halfway through class. I realized then my mistake. I had hoped a couple innocent questions would pacify them, and they would leave me alone. But now that they had me talking, they had no intention of stopping their relentless questions. They seemed to enjoy my silence at the naked question and started turning their inquiries in that direction. Is his body amazing? No response to them, but the words 'beyond amazing' came to mind. Is he a good kisser? Again no response, but in my head I replayed a few and...yes, god yes, the boy knew how to kiss. Have I 'done it' with him? Definitely no response, and I prayed for no blushing either.

I suddenly realized by the intensity of their questioning, that they weren't asking for themselves. Well, I'm sure they were curious too, but they were checking me out for Candy. Gauging what my relationship to Kellan was for her. I started wondering if they were even in this class or if they had just followed me in here.

Anger flashed through me and I studiously ignored every question they asked after that...the small ones and especially the shockingly intimate ones that made me blush. Really, no one should ask someone they just met that question. Relief washed through me as the lecture finally ended and people started leaving. I hastily gathered my stuff as they threw a few final questions my way, none of which I answered.

Excusing myself calmly, well, almost calmly, I darted for the door. As I left I heard, "Hey, are you having any study sessions at your house?" followed by more giggling. Well, that was a complete waste of a class. Those weren't the sort of human sexuality questions that I wanted to be answering.

I braced myself for more obnoxious Kellan behavior the next morning, but he wasn't there... he wasn't even home. He hadn't been home when I got back from school yesterday either. Come to think of it, he hadn't been home when Denny and I went to bed. It hurt my heart a little when I walked downstairs and he wasn't there, sipping his coffee, reading the paper and smiling at me warmly. While Denny had been away, I'd started waking up earlier than I needed to, just to see that sight every morning. That realization worried me a little, but I pushed it back. It didn't matter now. That friendship wasn't the same...it was practically gone now. I blinked back tears as I made my own coffee.

Denny woke awhile later and quickly got ready for his day of job searching. He kissed me goodbye as I got ready for my own day of school. Not that I'd expected Kellan to continue giving me a ride to school since Denny was back, or since our oddly cold conversation in the kitchen, but sadness swept through me as I waited for the bus. I missed our rides together too. Maybe his coldness was a good thing. Maybe I'd gotten too attached. Now that Denny was back, it wasn't appropriate. Of course, a lot had happened with Kellan that wasn't appropriate.

Where I had barely seen him at home, I couldn't seem to escape him at the bar. It wasn't too long into my shift that evening, when the foursome walked in and strolled to their table. Kellan ignored me and went straight to Rita to grab the guys some beers himself. That oddly offended me. I couldn't even wait on him now? Rita reached out and ruffled his hair while he leaned over the bar and smiled at her crookedly. That irritated me too, when I remembered that I had more in common with Rita now as well. Ugh, that thought actually made me a little nauseous, and I had to look away from their flirting.

I walked over to where Jenny was finishing up with a customer. Pulling my head out of my own problems, I asked her about her night out. "Hey, Jenny, I never did ask you how your date went?"

Jenny put her hands on her hips as she walked up to the bar. I sighed mentally as I realized where she was headed. I was sort of in the middle of a conversation with her, and I couldn't really do anything but follow her, but Kellan was still flirting with Rita. Seriously, what were they talking about? Oh god, is that where he's been? Are they seeing each other?

"It was a disaster." Jenny was talking about her date, and I made myself focus on her and not my last horrifying thought. Jenny walked right up to Kellan's side and I stood slightly behind her, trying hard to not gaze at his perfectly sculpted back leaning over the bar. "He was so boring, Kiera. Ugh, I wanted to take a nap right in my risotto."

Kellan turned his head slightly at the mention of my name. He flicked a glance at Jenny and then a quick one back to me. Jenny looked at him briefly. "Hey, Kellan." He nodded at her politely but made no move to acknowledge me. Jenny continued with her story. "I called it a night after that and didn't even bother with going to a club."

Jenny turned and quickly told Rita her order. Rita looked a little miffed that she no longer had Kellan's attention and filled Jenny's order grudgingly. Jenny turned to face me, while Kellan stared down at the bar, his head still cocked towards us like he was listening.

"Pretty boy, but..." Jenny pointed to her head, "not a whole lot going on upstairs."

Kellan smiled, like he was trying not to laugh at her comment. Hope sparked in me that maybe his bad mood was over, maybe he would be nice. Focusing again on Jenny, I said, "I'm sorry, Jenny..." I left it at that, not knowing what else to say. I didn't have a whole lot of experience with dating.

Grabbing her drinks from Rita, she shrugged. "No biggie...my guy is out there somewhere." She smiled and walked back to her customers.

Feeling better about Kellan after seeing his smile, I stayed at the bar. Rita got called over to a customer on the far side and I took my chance. "Kellan," I said softly to his back.

He turned around to me with a smug look on his face. My heart sank a little at his near-sneer. "Kiera." His voice was flat, all trace of good humor gone.

I suddenly didn't know what to say. I ended up pointing to the four beer bottles he had clutched in his fingers. "I could have gotten that for you."

He straightened from the bar and I suddenly felt very small as he towered over me. "I can manage...thanks." He roughly brushed passed me as he headed back to the table.

I swallowed roughly and sighed. Why did I irritate him so much? Why couldn't we still be friends? Why did I miss him so much...?

*******************

Friday morning, Denny and I were snuggling, when he sighed for the hundredth time and shifted restlessly. His job searching wasn't going well at all. Things were full and internships were rare anyways. He had gone out every day and night this week and had exhausted all of his resources. He started half-jokingly saying that he may need to get a job at McDonalds, just so we could pay our rent. Kellan had told him not to worry about it...which made me curious; he didn't seem to need the money, so why did he rent out his room?


Looking over at Denny on the couch, I thought for a micro-second that he could get a job at Pete's, but with Kellan being so difficult lately, so cold and callus, I decided it was probably not a good idea. Also, it made me highly uncomfortable, having the two of them in the same room together. Our house had been odd enough...not that Kellan had been home much. But when he was, his cold eyes watched Denny's and my every move, every touch. I didn't need that following me to work, any more than it already did anyway.

Things at the bar had been...strained. No one seemed to notice the change in his attitude towards me. I sure did, however. The guys still teased me mercilessly, only now, Kellan, more often than not, instigated it. He no longer stopped Griffin's crude stories upon my approach. In fact, he seemed to delight in them even more, and managed to ask just the right question just as I was coming to their table, so that I would have to hear every gory detail. "How many girls, Griff? No, I've never heard of that position. Wait, what did she do with the licorice again?"

Even worse though, was when he would ask me my opinion on one of Griffin's little stories. I would blush horribly and dart away as quickly as I could, without ever answering him. Evan would frown and tell him to be nice while Matt would chuckle quietly. Kellan and Griffin would laugh loudly, like it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen. Their laughter would follow me all the way up to the bar, where I actually looked forward to talking to Rita, instead of them.

All throughout my shift, he had made snide, suggestive comments. He watched me coldly and intently wherever I went. He flinched whenever I touched him - even accidentally. He made me so uncomfortable.

It made me a little sad, that one stupid mistake together had changed what had been a very nice friendship. I longed for the Kellan who chatted with me over coffee, who sweetly put his arms around me, who let me rest on his shoulder, who sat with me when I cried, who had tucked me into bed. And on the rare occurrences when I could look at our drunken night together, without the usual horrifying guilt, it was a pleasant memory, a fond memory even. It hurt me that Kellan obviously didn't feel the same. That in one night I had ruined everything between us.

Mostly though, it made me angry.

Frowning at the memories, stirring in my brain, I turned my head away from Denny on the couch so he wouldn't see my frustration. I could see now why Joey had fled. Kellan post-sex was kind of...no he was - an ass! I didn't have the luxury of simply skipping town though. Not when I had made such a big deal of Denny leaving, not when it would raise too many questions in Denny's eyes. I was starting to really dislike Kellan, and really miss him at the same time. I wished he would leave, that would greatly simplify things for me. That thought put an odd feeling in my stomach though.

Denny noticed my frown anyway. "You alright?"

I forced a smile and shrugged. "Yeah, just worried about you." I hated lying to him. Well, it really was only a half-lie; I was worried about him. I was just more preoccupied by Kellan's behavior. It bothered me that Kellan concerned me more.

Denny slipped an arm around me and held me close to his shoulder. He stopped sighing. He was always trying to please me...it only made me feel worse. My guilt increased ten-fold every time Denny smiled at me. He tenderly kissed my head and I looked up at him. He smiled sweetly and brought a hand to my cheek, running a finger down it. "It will be okay, Kiera." His tenderness expanded my heart, and broke it at the same time.

He leaned down and softly pressed his lips to mine. Sighing, he cupped my cheek with his hand, stroking me softly with his thumb, and kissed me deeper. I relaxed into his comfort, his warmth and tenderness, and returned his deep kiss. He ran his hands down to my hips and scooted me over to his lap. I smiled, and thought how much I liked him being home with me all morning, and that I had a good hour before school started...

I nestled into his lap and ran my fingers through his hair. He smiled at me between kisses. My breath was just beginning to increase when I heard the front door open. Kellan hadn't come home again last night; he hadn't spent a night here the past two nights. I wondered who he was dating and that thought irrationally irritated me. Whoever it was, he was just now getting back. I immediately froze and looked at the door. Kellan's eyes locked onto mine instantly. He smirked at me, his eyes suddenly mean. Then, as Denny turned to look over, his expression immediately softened. He smiled at Denny, although it did nothing to warm his eyes.

"Mornin'."

"You just gettin' home, mate?" Denny asked casually, his hands softly rubbing my thighs.

Kellan watched us for half a second then smiled again, looking only at Denny. "Yeah, I was..." he coolly glanced over at me, "...out."

Denny didn't notice the look. He simply shrugged and warmly looked back to me. I scooted off his lap and he laughed a little at me, slipping an arm around my waist. I sat in such a way, that I could see Denny and Kellan at the same time. It was odd to have both of them in my vision together; it did weird things to my stomach. Denny was still looking at me lovingly, Kellan was still watching us coolly, a slight frown on his face now. I wanted to crawl inside the couch and disappear.

Eventually, Kellan murmured something excusatory and wandered upstairs. I relaxed fractionally when I heard his door close. Denny raised an eyebrow suggestively at me and made a move like he was going to move me back on his lap, but I frowned at him. Laughing, he held me close to him until it was time for me to get ready for school.

Denny drove me to school and finally took a walk around the campus with me. I tried to be as good of a guide as Kellan had been. The memory of that day squeezed my heart painfully, as I quickly pointed out the various brick buildings on our way to my Psychology class. Denny, of course, wanted to talk about my Econ class and smiling as we walked hand in hand down the concrete pathways crisscrossing the expansive lawns, I relayed as much of it as I could in the short time we had.

We entered the building and Denny was just as impressed as I had been at the beauty of the school. It was truly remarkable, like stepping back to a time where art and the detailed, intricate beauty of architecture, not just practical form and function, were rampant. He opened the door to my Human Sexuality class and chuckling, said he wanted to hear all about it after school when he picked me up. Chuckling back, I leaned over and gave him a long kiss. Someone brushing past us in the door broke us apart, and I grudgingly said goodbye and went to my seat.

It was an odd class to have when my mind was so conflicted. The class had more to do with the psychological and social aspects of sexual behavior, than the mechanics of sex. The course went over cultural diversity, sexual health, abuse and assault. It still felt very relevant to my current situation however, and I had to force my mind away from analyzing my problems and back to what the professor was saying, on more than one occasion. I was a little relieved when the class was over.

I smiled at seeing Denny's old Honda in the parking lot in the same spot he had parked it before class. He climbed out of the driver's side and walked over to me, smiling widely.

"Hey," he said as he met up with me and then, with my favorite goofy grin on his face, he picked me up and spun me around. I laughed and laced my arms around his neck. He stopped spinning and setting me down, leaned in for a long, passionate kiss.

When I could catch my breath, I looked up at his sparkling eyes. "Someone's in a better mood."

He grinned and gave me a quick peck. "I got a phone call this afternoon...one of my contacts finally paid off." He stood up straight while I grinned back at him. "You are now looking at the newest member of SLS Advertising."

"Babe..." I gave him a warm hug and kissed his cheek. "That's great!" I pulled back to look him in the eye. "I knew you would find something, you are brilliant after all."

He sighed, looking at me lovingly. "So you keep telling me." He gazed at me for a moment longer. "I love you...so much. I'm so sorry..."

Guilt washed through me. I was an idiot and he was sorry? "Don't...it doesn't matter. Everything is back to normal now, back to how it should be." Well, nearly everything was back to normal. I smiled at him, my eyes suddenly too moist. "I love you too."

We kissed tenderly for another minute on the sidewalk, while people walked back and forth around us. We ignored them all, enjoying our moment of togetherness. Finally Denny pulled back, and smiling, took my hand and drove me back home.

Denny gave me a ride to work that night as well. I was not looking forward to the D-Bags performance this evening. I wasn't sure why, I just felt like Kellan's coldness towards me was going to somehow be projected on the stage for everyone to see. Denny kissed my cheek as I made my way to the backroom, to set down my bag and jacket. Jenny and Kate ran into me as I was coming back out.

Kate usually worked the morning shifts; I rarely saw her and hadn't really talked with her much. She was an averagely pretty girl. Long, light brown hair pulled back into a perfect ponytail. Eyes so light brown they were almost ocher, with the longest, fullest lashes I had ever seen. She was tall and a little too thin, but extremely graceful, like she had belonged to a ballet troupe before joining the staff here at Pete's.

"Hi, Kiera!" Jenny said as she gave me a swift hug. "Kate's switching to nights, since we were slammed last Friday. The guys are really pulling the people in, now that school's going again."

I smiled politely at Kate and returned Jenny's hug. "Yeah... I guess they are." Thinking back on last Friday, it had been pretty busy. I barely had had time that night to notice the band. I had still noticed Kellan though. My eyes had watched him whenever there had been a pause with the customers. So much had changed since then. Our relationship had changed so much since last weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect tonight.

The beginning of the evening went pleasantly enough. It helped having an extra waitress there. I got to spend more time flirting with Denny, who decided to stay for dinner and the show. I brought him his food and gave him a kiss. I brought him his soda and gave him a kiss. Heck, I brought him extra napkins and gave him a kiss. Jenny smiled at our cuteness. I was just glad to have him back.

But eventually, and with much fanfare, the front doors burst open and Griffin walked through, with his arms outstretched like a King entering his throne room. The fans already at the bar, of course went nuts, and made their way over to him. He put his arms around a couple of them and headed over to his usual table, stopping on the way to steal a kiss from Kate, who quickly pushed him away, sighing and rolling her eyes. Apparently, she was used to Griffin's advances.

Matt and Evan came in much more quietly behind Griffin. Matt smiled politely and followed Griffin to their table. Evan gave Jenny a big hug and wrapped an arm around an eager girl who had kissed his cheek, then followed Matt.

My stomach clenched as I discretely watched the door, knowing who would be coming through it next. Seconds later he appeared, and my breath caught. He was stunning. His wavy hair was perfect. His long sleeve shirt, layered under a basic, black t-shirt, emphasized his spectacular chest. His jeans, faded and frayed from years of use, clung to him enticingly. His lips were slightly curled in a sexy half-smile and his deep blue, piercing eyes were locked onto mine.

Knowing Denny was here and he could be watching me, I forced my breath back and turned my eyes away. I turned to Denny, but he was clasping hands with Matt and chatting with the other guys at their table. My eyes swung back over to Kellan, who was still watching me, and was now walking over to me, an odd look in his eyes. I debated turning and leaving, but he was in my section, I was his waitress. It would look odd if I didn't help him. I hoped he would be normal to me tonight, not his now-usual cold, jerky self.

He came right up to me. "Kiera," he said calmly.

I swallowed and made myself look him in the eye. "Yes, Kellan?"

He smiled and cocked his head to the side. "We'll have the usual." He nodded his head over to the table. "Bring one for Denny too...since he's a part of this."

The odd way he phrased it made me frown, but I nodded, and he turned and walked to the table with the guys. Nearly instantly, two girls were attached to his arms, running fingers through his perfectly sexy hair. I swallowed and made myself go up to the bar and get their drinks.

Rita winked conspiratorially at me when I got everyone's beers. She seemed to think she knew something. Of course, she thought I was jumping into bed with Kellan from the very beginning. I sighed and ignored her as I grabbed the band's drinks.

Business picked up dramatically after the guys showed up, and I no longer had time to flirt with Denny. Honestly, with Kellan there I wouldn't have felt comfortable flirting with him anyway, especially not with them all sitting at the same table together. I did notice that Kellan sat on the opposite end of the table from Denny, facing out into the crowd, flirting with some girls at the next table, not even once looking at Denny. I wasn't sure what Kellan's problem was with him...guilt maybe?

Eventually it was time for them to go onstage. The crowd, as typical mostly women, went nuts and crowded the front of the stage. I watched from the tables as they started their set. They were perfect, of course. The songs were catchy, Kellan's voice was sexy, the looks he threw the crowd were downright indecent, and it wasn't long before the whole back half of the bar was dancing and carrying-on, thoroughly enjoying their entertainment. I stopped watching Kellan and his...act...and turned back to the customers still seated.

A song started playing that I had heard before, but never really listened to before. Maybe it was because I was trying so hard to ignore watching Kellan, that I was more intently focused on listening to him. Maybe it was because of our drunken fiasco, but the words were quite suddenly all too clear in my head. I stopped beside a table and stared up at him, my mouth dropping open. What I noticed first, oddly enough, was the look on Griffin's face, which should have been my first clue. He looked giddy...way too excited to play the song; obviously he loved it. Then my eyes shifted to Kellan in disbelief.

The lyrics were all metaphors for sex, and not just any kind of sex - casual, meaningless, one-night-stand sex. The song highly implied that while the sex was great...I've already moved on, and I hope you remember me, because I've already forgotten you. I had heard this song before and had never interpreted it that way, until just now. Maybe I was interpreting it wrong, but with the look on Griffin's face and the steel look in Kellan's eyes, I didn't think I was.

Most shocking of all, was the fact that Kellan was directing that cold stare at me. I felt like he was shouting our one night all across the bar. I couldn't move. I couldn't turn away. I was frozen with shock and I could feel tears start to sting my eyes. Why was he being so cold, so intentionally mean? I startled at a hand slipping around my waist.


"Hey, babe," Denny whispered in my ear. "I'm getting beat...I think I'll head out. Can you get a ride home?" He turned me to make me look at him, then noticed my expression. "You okay?"

I swallowed and tried to fix a smile on my face, hoping no tears fell. "Yeah, I'm..." I cut off as a particularly vicious lyric cut through my head. Kellan was practically yelling the verse, 'What do you think about me now?' The crowd went crazy over the intensity of it. His eyes were focused in my direction still.

Denny glanced over at the crowd's reaction. "Wow, that song's really good...is that a new one?"

I managed to spit out, "No...he's played it before." Forcing back my smile, I turned to him fully. "I'll get a ride with Jenny. Go home. I'm fine...just tired."

Smiling softly at me, he said, "Okay...wake me when you get home." Then he gave me a short kiss and turned and left the bar. I wanted nothing more than to follow him, to leave with him. But I couldn't, I was stuck here for awhile longer, listening to Kellan torture me...

The next morning, I decided it was time to get to the bottom of Kellan's oddness with me. Seriously, I could understand him feeling guilty and being odd around Denny, but why was he so mean to me? Steeling myself to either see him or not see him, since he hadn't been home much lately, I turned the corner and found him reading the paper and drinking his coffee at the table.

He coolly glanced up at me when I entered, and my resolve wavered at seeing his dark eyes. I closed mine and took a deep breath. Giving myself a moment, I made a cup of coffee before sitting and joining him at the table.

"Mornin'," he finally said to me, not looking up from his paper.

"Kellan..." My mouth dried up and I had to swallow.

He looked up at me. "What?" His tone was almost harsh and I considered leaving the room again.

Don't be an idiot Kiera...just talk to him. After everything we had done together, I should be able to talk to him... "Why are you mad at me?" I whispered, not meeting his eye.

"I'm not mad at you, Kiera. I've been exceedingly nice to you. Most women thank me for that." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

My irritation flickered and I glared at him. "You're being an ass! Ever since..."

He raised his eyebrow, waiting for me to finish that thought. I didn't. Eventually he looked back down to his paper and took another drink of his coffee. "I really don't know what you mean, Kiera..."

I gaped at him. Was he just going to flat out ignore what a jerk he's been lately? "Is it Denny? You feel guilty...?"

His cold eyes flashed up to mine. "I'm not the one that cheated on him," he said low and cold, and I flinched and bit my lip, praying for my eyes not to water.

"We used to be friends, Kellan," I whispered.

He looked down at his paper and casually tossed back at me, "Were we? I wasn't aware of that."

Feeling tears of anger starting to form, I snapped back, "Yes...we were, Kellan. Before we-"

He glanced up at me and cut me off. "Denny and I are friends." He looked me up and down, almost scornfully. "You and I are...roommates."

My anger temporarily blocked out my forming tears as I gaped at him. "You have a funny way of showing friendship then. If Denny knew what you-"

He cut me off again as he glared at me icily. "But you're not telling him, are you?" He looked back at his paper and I thought he was done speaking, when he said in a softer voice, "Besides, that's between the two of you - it had nothing to do with me. I was simply...there...for you."

I gaped at him again, not being able to speak anymore. He stared down at his paper for a minute then sighed. "Are we done?" he asked, looking back up at me.

I nodded, feeling like we were done in more ways than one, and he got up and left the kitchen. Moments later, I heard the door open and his car pull away. He didn't come home for the rest of the weekend.