Thoughtless

Chapter 26

Love and Loneliness

It was March, and the air was still crisp with the last edge of winter lacing it, but a smell of renewal was in the air too. The cherry blossoms at the University were in full bloom, and the quad was bursting with blushing pink flowers that lifted my leaden heart whenever I walked through it.

It had been a hard winter for me. Being alone wasn't something I enjoyed, and I'd had to endure a lot of alone time lately. My sister was a social butterfly, and had quickly amassed a bevy of beautiful Hooters girls to party with; I heard they were in line to be in the "Girls of Hooters" calendar next year.

Jenny tried to take me out on occasion, but we had different schedules, and lining up a night when we were both off work and I wasn't doing something for school, was tricky. We did manage to see a movie every now and then, or grab some coffee before her shift, but it wasn't nearly as often as I would have liked.

School kept me busy, work kept me busy, and even staying in contact with Denny kept me busy. Since our time zones were so far apart, it gave "phone tag" a whole new meaning. But my heart couldn't possibly be kept busy enough to not miss Kellan. That just wasn't possible.

I may have been forced through a three month rehab with our self-imposed separation, but my underlying addiction was still there, and it beat and coursed deep throughout my veins. I could almost hear his name with my heartbeat and I berated myself for my stupid mistake every day. How could I have been so scared and foolish, to push away such a wonderful man?


My sister inadvertently brought that ache right to the surface one night. She was in the bathroom getting ready to hit a club with some friends. She was drying her silky hair, head bent over, letting the dryer give her already perfect locks extra volume. I walked by, just as she flipped up and fluffed out her tresses. She was wearing a backless triangle top, that was going to be much too cold for outside, but that wasn't what got my attention. It was the sparkle at her neck.

I stopped in the doorway, my mouth dropping open and my eyes watering. "Where did you get that?" I could barely even form the words.

She looked at me, confused for a minute, and then noticed my eyes locked onto the necklace around her throat. "Oh, this?" She shrugged and the necklace slid up and down her creamy skin. "It was stuck in with my stuff. I'm not sure where it came from. It's pretty though, huh?"

I couldn't speak again, as I stared in disbelief at the silver guitar necklace that Kellan had lovingly said goodbye to me with. The large diamond twinkled in the bathroom lights and my tearful vision amplified the sparkle until a rainbow streaked across my eyes.

My sister seemed to notice that I was starting to break down. "Oh god...is this yours, Kiera?"

I blinked and my vision cleared, as tears dropped down my cheeks. I watched her hastily reach behind her neck to unclasp it. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." Her fingers practically flung it at me, as she held it away from her.

"It's okay," I mumbled. "I just thought I'd lost it." Or Kellan had removed it.

She nodded and pulled me into a tight hug, lacing the necklace around me, since I still seemed reluctant to touch it. As she clasped it around my neck, she whispered, "Did Kellan give this to you?"

As she pulled away, I nodded, more tears dripping down my cheeks. "The night...he was leaving, the night we got caught." I ran my fingers down the silver piece and it seemed both burning and cooling to my touch.

My sister watched my face a minute and then ran a hand through my hair. "Why don't you go see him, Kiera? He's always at Pete's, and he still looks so..."

I shook my head and didn't let her finish. "I only ever hurt him. He wanted this...he wanted space." I looked up at her and exhaled brokenly. "I'm trying to do what's best for him...for once. Besides, I'm sure he's moved on by now."

She smiled sadly as she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "You're an idiot, Kiera," she said softly, but warmly.

I smiled sadly back at her. "I know."

She shook her head and seemed to swallow back an emotion. "Well, why don't you come out with us girls then?" She shook her hips alluringly. "Go dancing with me."

I sighed, remembering the last time I went dancing with Anna. "I don't think so. I'm just gonna stay here, crash on the couch."

She twisted her lips as she leaned into the bathroom mirror to start doing her makeup. "Oh good...something new," she muttered sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes at her and walked away. "Have fun...and wear a coat."

"Sure thing, Mom," she shouted back playfully, as I walked down the hallway to the living room.

It was raining outside and I watched the slanting drops hit the window and roll down it like tears. The rain always reminded me of Kellan - him standing in it, letting it soak every part of him. Angry and hurt, and trying to stay away from me, so he didn't lash out at me. Crazy in love with me, even when I turned him away for someone else. I couldn't even imagine what that must have felt like for him.

How could I see him...after everything I'd done to him? My chest hurt though. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of trying to stay busy so he wouldn't enter my head, he did anyway. And mostly, I was tired of remembering the hazy version of him in my memory. More than anything else, I wanted the sharp, crystal-clear and perfect version of him right in front of me.

Without thinking about it, I sat in his chair. I didn't ever sit there. It was too hard, being on something that had belonged to him. I sank into the cushions and laid my head back. I imagined it was his chest I was leaning against, and a soft smile came to my lips. I touched the lost but found again necklace and closed my eyes. I could almost see him more clearly this way. I could almost even smell him.

I turned my face farther into the fabrics and startled when I realized that I could smell him. My hand clenched the cushion near my head and brought it to me. It didn't smell like the overwhelmingly wonderful scent that lingered on his skin, but it had the faint smell of him that lingered in his house. It smelled like his home, and to me, that smell was more binding than the childhood feeling I'd gotten at my parents' house.

He was my home...and I missed him terribly.

Anna came out of the bathroom as I was inhaling the chair and, feeling stupid, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked out the window again. "Are you okay, Kiera?" she asked quietly.

"I'll be fine, Anna," I answered indirectly.

She bit her perfect red lip and looked like she wanted to talk about something. Then she shook her head and asked, "Do you mind if I borrow the car, since you're staying here?"

"No...go ahead." I often let her take it when I didn't need it, and aside from work and school, I rarely needed it.

She sighed and coming over to me, kissed my head softly. "Don't mope all night."

I smiled up at her warmly. "Sure thing, Mom."

She laughed charmingly and grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen. She said goodnight before quickly leaving. She didn't take a coat and I shook my head at her. I traced the fabric of the chair under my fingers and wondered what to do.

I briefly considered calling Denny. Brisbane was seventeen hours ahead of Seattle, and he would be in the middle of his Saturday afternoon. He would probably answer at this hour, but I was reluctant to talk to him. Not that I had any qualms about calling him, we talked frequently, and had moved into a "friendly exes" stage. No, what made me hesitate was the fact that last month he'd told me that he'd asked a girl out on a date. At first I'd been hurt, then surprised that he'd mention such a personal fact to me, but I'd settled on happy. He should date. He should be happy. He was too wonderful to be anything else.

The next few phone calls from him included brief snippets about her and, as of last week, they were still together and doing well. I knew that was a good thing, and a part of me was thrilled for him, but I was feeling really lonely tonight and I didn't want the happy tone of his voice reminding me just how unhappy I was. Besides, he really shouldn't be getting calls on the weekend from his "ex" if he was seeing someone new. And he was probably with her right now, playing in the ocean or lying on the beach. I wondered briefly if they were kissing, right at this moment. Then I wondered if they were sleeping together, and I clenched my stomach and forced myself to not think about it. It didn't matter if they were...we'd let each other go in that respect. Of course, that didn't mean I liked the thought.

I ended up curling up on Kellan's chair with a warm blanket and watching a sad movie - one where the hero dies and everyone is broken, but endures their grief to make his sacrifice mean something. I was blubbering long before the actual death scene.

My eyes were red and raw and I'm sure my nose was dripping like a faucet, when the door to my apartment suddenly banged open. I spun my head to look at the door, alarmed, and then brought my brows together in confusion when I saw my sister standing there.

"Anna...are you okay?" She strode over to me and without a word, yanked me off the chair. "Anna! What are you...?"


The words were halted as she pulled me forcefully to the bathroom. She cleaned me up, and slapped on some lipstick and brushed my hair, while I sputtered inquisitions and tried to hold her back. My sister doesn't give up easily though, and she had me cleaned up and was shoving me towards the front door, before I even really knew what was going on.

I realized she was absconding with me, as she opened the door. I muttered, no, and braced myself on the doorframe. She sighed and I looked back at her, irritated. She leaned into me and very intently said, "You need to see something."

That confused me so much that I dropped my hands and she successfully shoved me out of the door. She dragged me to Denny's Honda as I sulked and pouted. I didn't want to go dancing with her. I wanted to go back to my cave of perpetual mourning, and finish my sad movie. At least that movie made my life seem cheery in comparison.

She sat me in the car and pointed at me harshly to stay put. I sighed and sank back into the familiar seats, sort of wishing the car still felt like Denny, and sort of glad nearly all trace of him was gone from the vehicle. It was now littered with lip gloss, empty shoe boxes, and a spare Hooters uniform.

I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted while my sister got in and drove us away. As she didn't take any of the roads that would take us towards the Square, where most of the clubs were, I started wondering where we were going. When we got onto a road that was so familiar it made my chest hurt, I started panicking. I knew exactly where she was taking me on this Friday night.

"No, Anna...please. I don't want to go there. I can't see him, I can't listen to him." I clutched at her arm and tried to physically turn the wheel, but she batted me away effortlessly.

"Calm down, Kiera. Remember...I'm doing the thinking for you now, and there is something that you need to witness. Something I should have showed you awhile ago. Something that even I hope to someday..." Her voice trailed off as she stared out the windows, almost longingly.

The look was so odd on her that for a moment, I forgot my protests. They swelled up again in my chest as we pulled into the parking lot of Pete's. She shut the car off and I stared at the familiar black Chevelle. My heart was thudding in my chest.

"I'm scared," I whispered into the silence of the car.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "I'm here with you, Kiera."

I looked over at her perfectly beautiful face and smiled at the love I saw there. I nodded and jarringly opened the door to step out. She was at my side again almost instantly and holding my hand tightly, she walked me through the inviting double doors.

I didn't know what to expect. A part of me thought everything would somehow be different in my absence, like maybe every wall would be black now, and the cheery lighting would be dull and dingy gray. But I was startled when I stepped through, and saw that everything was exactly the same...even the people.

Rita did a double take when she noticed me, then gave me a suggestive wink and smiled devilishly. Apparently she knew about the affair, and since I'd joined her "I've had sex with Kellan Kyle club", we were now bonded. Kate waved to me from where she was waiting for a drink at the counter, her perfect ponytail bouncing in her happiness. And Jenny was almost instantly in front of me, squeezing me tight and laughing about how good it was to see me out and about...and here. She glanced at the stage when she said that and I shut my eyes to not look. I couldn't stop hearing though; his voice shot right through my core.

Jenny leaned into my ear when she noticed my reaction, and said over the music, "It will be okay, Kiera...have faith." I opened my eyes and stared at her smiling warmly at me. I felt my sister pulling my hand and Jenny, seemingly understanding what Anna was doing, grabbed my other hand. They both started weaving me into the massive crowd that packed Pete's on the weekends, when the band played, and I instinctively tugged against them.

Insistently they dragged me forward, all the way forward. We pushed through the crowd and I kept my eyes focused on my feet, not wanting to look at him yet. It had been so long... It had been even longer since I'd heard his voice though, and it traveled all the way from my ears, down my spine, to the very bottom of my toes.

My breath hitched as the next song started while we inched through the packed bar. It was slow and haunting and dripping with emotion. His voice had an ache to it that seared me. I glanced slyly at the people we were passing, and watched them sing along to the song with solemn faces. They knew it, so it wasn't new. Still not looking at the stage, I let his timbre affect every cell in my body. He was singing about that night in the parking lot, I suddenly realized. He sang of needing me and feeling ashamed for it. He sang of trying to leave me and it breaking him. He sang about crying, as we gave each other our final kiss... Then, the lyrics turned to what he was feeling now.

That's when I looked up at him.

His eyes were closed. He hadn't noticed me approaching him yet. After not seeing him for months, his perfection was almost too much to take in all at once, like I'd go blind if I didn't absorb him in segments. Just the jeans - those perfectly fitted faded jeans that looked a little more worn than usual. Just the basic t-shirt that he preferred to wear - not decorated, not elaborate - simple, black, and perfectly sculpted to him. Just the delightfully toned arms, the left one completely healed and no longer casted, slinking down to strong hands that clutched the microphone while he sang. Just the impossibly sexy and wild hair, a little longer than I remembered it, but still a tousled mess, hinting at multiple past intimacies that rang loudly in my head, and in my body. Just that movie star jaw, that for the first time had light stubble along it, like he'd given up on the task of staying groomed - it only highlighted that strong right angle and made him even more impossibly attractive, crazy as that sounds. Just the full lips, holding no trace of the sexy grin he usually sang with. Just the slope of his nose. Just the perfect cheekbones. Just the long eyelashes of his closed lids, hiding the amazing blueness behind them.

I had to take everything about him in separately at first; he was just too perfect to take in all at once. When I could handle it, I finally noted the fact that the perfection was unmarred. His face was perfectly healed, and no sign of the physical trauma he'd endured was with him. But, looking at that face as a whole, was affecting me in an unexpected way. My breath came in stuttered pulls and my heart squeezed painfully, as Jenny and Anna drew me towards him relentlessly.

His eyes were still closed and his body rocked gently to the music, but his face was almost...desolate. His words matched his face, as he sang about how each day was a struggle, and never seeing my face caused him physical pain. He sang that 'my face was his light, and he felt drenched in darkness without it'. Tears fell freely after I heard that line.

Jenny and Anna successfully pulled me right to a spot in front of him. Some rabid fans didn't like that, but my sister was not one to be messed with, and after some flowery words from her, they left us alone. I barely noticed, as I stared up at his god-like perfection.

Eyes still closed, he sang of being beside me, even if I couldn't see or hear him. He sang of being scared of never again feeling me, never again feeling what we had. A long instrumental section followed his last verse and, eyes still closed, he rocked his head back and forth, biting his lip. Some girls around me screamed at that, but it was so clear to me that he wasn't trying to seduce anyone, he was in pain. I wondered if thoughts of me, of our time together, were flashing before his eyes, like they were flashing before mine.


I wanted to reach my hand out to him, but he was too far away to touch, and Jenny and Anna still had a hold of me, maybe fearing I would bolt. I couldn't move now though. Not when he was filling my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I could only stare at him, enraptured.

I didn't even notice the other members of the band, and I didn't know if they noticed me. I barely noticed the crowd anymore as I watched him, and after another minute, I barely even noticed the feeling of Jenny and my sister's eyes boring into me. Eventually I couldn't even feel their hands anymore, and I didn't even have it in me to wonder if they'd finally let go.

When the instrumental section came to a close, he finally reopened his inhumanly beautiful eyes. He happened to be looking down at me, and my face was the first thing he took in when he opened them. I felt the shock run through his body, even from where I was standing. The deep blue eyes widened and instantly glassed over. His mouth fell open and his body stopped moving. He seemed to be completely thrown, like he'd woken up in a different universe. His eyes locked onto mine, as tears flowed down my cheeks.

He sang the next lyrics with his brows scrunched, like he was sure he was dreaming. The rest of the band was quiet on this section, and his voice rang clearly through the bar, through my soul. He repeated the line about me being his light, a look of reverence on his face. His voice drifted off along with the music, but his look of awe never left him.

I didn't know how to respond, other than with tears. I wiped a few away as I realized that my hands were indeed free. I could understand what Anna had wanted me to see now. That was the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing I'd ever heard; more intense and emotional than anything I'd ever heard him sing. My whole body was buzzing with the need to comfort him. But we were still just staring at each other, him on the stage, and me on the floor in front of it.

The fans stirred with an uneasy energy, as the guys waited for Kellan to signal the next song and he didn't. An unnatural silence filled the bar as we continued our silent stare down. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt lean toward Kellan and whisper something, smacking his arm lightly. Kellan didn't react, just kept staring at me with his mouth open slightly. I was positive several fans were staring and wondering about me, as I had his rapt attention, but I didn't care for once. My only focus was him.

Eventually, Evan's voice broke through the sound system. "Hey, everybody. We're gonna take a breather. Until then...Griffin's buying a round for everyone!" The bar erupted in whooping, as something streaked behind Kellan to where Evan was sitting at his drums. Laughter broke out around me and I barely heard it.

The crowd dispersed a little bit, as three of the D-Bags hopped off the stage and melted into it. Kellan still didn't move though. His brow creased as he regarded me intently and nerves shot through me. Why wasn't he jumping down and scooping me into his arms? His song made it seem like he ached for me...but his actions?

I took a step towards him, determined to be closer, even if I had to jump up on the stage with him. He looked away, out over the thinning crowd, and I watched several emotions pass over his face. It was almost like reading a book: confusion, joy, anger, sorrow, bliss, and then confusion again. Looking down briefly, he sniffed once and then carefully lowered himself to stand before me. My body hummed with the restraint to not touch him. He stepped closer to me and our hands in front of our bodies lightly brushed together. It sent fire through me, and he inhaled sharply.

Looking torn, he gently reached up and stroked a tear off my face with a knuckle. I closed my eyes and a small sob escaped me at the contact. I couldn't even care that I probably looked horrid, my eyes tired and bloodshot from sleepless nights, my hair an unruly mess, even though my sister had attempted to fix it, and still dressed in my "moping" clothes - ratty lounge pants and a torn, long sleeve t-shirt. None of that mattered...because he was touching me, and it affected me, just as it had always affected me. He cupped my cheek and stepped closer to me, our bodies touching now. I brought a hand to his chest and exhaled with relief that his heart was hammering as hard as mine. He was feeling this too.

Then, some of the fans around us seemed to think we weren't having a moment, and they had every right to intrude. I opened my eyes as some girls jostled me. He put an arm around me, to steady me, and stepped us away from the swarm a of couple spaces. Most of the girls acknowledged the retreat and left him alone. A particularly drunk blonde saw it as an opening instead. She aggressively walked up to him and grabbed his face, like she was going to kiss him. Anger flared in me, but before I could even react to her, he leaned back and removed her hands from his face. Then he almost harshly pushed the eager woman away from him.

I turned to stare at him and he looked down at me. I'd never seen him push anyone away, and definitely never that rudely. The girl did not appreciate that. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman narrow hers in drunken anger and swing her hand back for a maneuver that I knew all too well. My hand automatically reached up and grabbed her wrist, right before her hand made contact with his cheek. Kellan startled and looked back at her, seeming to finally understand that he'd just about been slapped again.

The woman dropped her mouth and looked me over with a comically surprised face. I thought she might fight me, but her cheeks suddenly flamed bright red, and she yanked her hand out of my grasp. Looking thoroughly embarrassed about what she'd almost done, she sheepishly backed off and disappeared into the crowd.

I felt Kellan chuckle beside me and I looked back at his small smile and warm eyes. The look had been gone for so long from my life, that I felt an actual pang looking at it. I smiled in kind and his eyes warmed even more. He nodded over at where the girl had disappeared to. "No one gets to smack me, but you?" he asked playfully.

"Damn straight," I said, blushing furiously at my curse. He chuckled again and shook his head adorably. Bringing seriousness back to my voice, I quietly said, "Can we go somewhere without so many...admirers?"

Seriousness marked his face too and he slinked down to grab my hand. He deftly led us through the remaining fans, and pulled us into the hallway. Nerves flashed through me as I started wondering if he'd pull me into the backroom. Too many memories were in there. It was too secluded, too quiet. There was too much heat between us. Too much could happen in that room, and we had too many things to talk over.

Maybe he felt my reluctance, maybe he understood that we needed to talk, maybe he'd never intended to lead me in there - whatever his reason, he stopped in the hallway, well before the door, and I leaned against the wall in relief and confusion.

He stood in front of me, his hands loose at his sides and his eyes traveling the length of me. I felt heated under his intense gaze. Eventually his eyes stopped on my necklace, his necklace, and with shaking fingers, he reached out to touch it. One of his fingers brushed my skin as he felt the cool metal, and I closed my eyes.

"You're wearing it. I didn't think you would," he muttered.

I opened my eyes and sighed as his deep blue ones locked onto mine. It had been so long...

"Of course, Kellan." I put my hand over his on my necklace and was struck with how much that tiny contact affected me. "Of course," I repeated.

I tried to lace our fingers together, but he pulled his hand back and looked down the hallway. A few people were loitering around back here, coming in and out of the bathrooms, but it was relatively quiet and peaceful. He shook his head slightly, before returning his gaze to mine.


"Why are you here, Kiera?"

His question broke my heart. Did he really not want to ever see me again? Confused, I blurted out, "My sister." He nodded, like that filled in all the blanks for him, and twisted his body like he was going to walk away. I grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him back to me. "You...for you."

My voice was a little panicked when I said that, and his eyes narrowed a bit as he looked me over. "For me? You chose him, Kiera. Push come to shove...you chose him."

I shook my head and pulled his arm closer, his body taking a step nearer as well. "No...I didn't. Not at the end, I didn't."

His brows scrunched together. "I heard you, Kiera. I was there, I heard you clearly-"

I cut him off. "No...I was just scared." I pulled him even closer and put my other hand on his chest. "I was scared, Kellan. You're...you're so..." I suddenly didn't know how to explain it to him, and I fumbled around for words.

He stepped closer to me and suddenly our hips were touching. "I'm what?" he whispered.

The fire at his nearness flew through me, and I stopped trying to think about what to say and just let whatever wanted to come out, come out. "I've never felt such passion, like I feel when I'm with you. I've never felt this heat." My hand rubbed his chest and then pushed up to his face. His eyes watched me intensely, his lips parted as he breathed shallowly. "You were right, I was scared to let go...but I was scared to let go of him to be with you, not the other way around. He was comfortable and safe and you... I got scared that the heat would burn out...and you'd leave me for someone better...and then I'd have nothing. That I'd throw Denny away for a hot romance, that would be over before I knew it, and I'd be alone. Flash fire," I muttered.

His head lowered as his body pressed closer to me, our chest were touching as well now. "Is that what you think we had? Flash fire? Did you think I'd just throw you away if that fire died?" He said 'if', like the very idea was ridiculous to him.

He rested his head against mine and one of his legs shifted in-between mine. My breath picked up and then nearly stopped at his next words. "You...the only woman I've ever loved...ever. You thought I'd toss that out? Do you really think anyone in this world, compares to you in my eyes?"

"I get that now, but, I panicked. I was scared..." My chin lifted until our parted lips brushed together.

He pulled back and took a step away from me. My hand clenched his arm to keep him from leaving. He looked down and then back up to me, his eyes struggling with wanting me and not wanting me. "You don't think this scares me, Kiera?" He shook his head. "Do you think loving you has ever been easy for me...or even sometimes, pleasant?"

I looked down at his words and swallowed loudly. I suppose loving me hasn't always been a picnic for him. His next words confirmed that. "You have put me through hell so many times, that I almost think I'm crazy for even talking to you right now."

A tear dripped down my cheek and I shifted my body to leave. He grabbed my shoulders and kept me held against the wall. I looked up at him and another tear hit my cheek. His thumb came up to tenderly wipe it away, and then both hands held my face and kept me looking at him. "I know what we have is intense. I know it's terrifying. I feel that too, believe me. But it's real, Kiera." His handed ghosted from his chest to mine, and then back again. "This is real and it's deep, and it wouldn't have just...burned out. I'm done with meaningless encounters. You're everything I want. I'd never have strayed from you."

I brought my hands up to hold his face, to pull him into me, but he stepped back again before I could reach him. His eyes filled with an almost unbearable sadness as he gazed at me, a foot apart now. "I still can't be with you though. How can I ever trust that..." his eyes drifted to the floor, and his voice quieted to barely reach me above the din of the hallway, "that you won't leave me one day. As much as I miss you, that thought keeps me away."

I took a step towards him and reached out for his hands. "Kellan, I'm so-"

He looked up at me and cut me off. "You left me for him, Kiera. Even if it was just some knee-jerk reaction, because the thought of us terrified you," his brows scrunched together unhappily as he said those words, "you still were going to leave me for him. How do I know that won't happen again?"

"It won't...I won't ever leave you. I'm done being apart from you. I'm done denying what we have. I'm done being scared." My tone came out surprisingly calm, and I was a little startled to realize that my nerves were calm too. I truly meant what I'd just said, maybe more than I'd ever meant anything I'd said to him.

He shook his head sadly. "I'm not, Kiera. I still need that minute..."

I put my hand on his stomach and he looked down at it, but left it there. I murmured, "Do you still love me?" My breath stopped as I waited for his answer. I hoped from his expression and his song that he did, but I needed to hear him acknowledge it.

He sighed and looked over my face. Slowly, he nodded. "You would never believe how much."

I stepped closer to him and ran my hand up to his chest; he closed his eyes at the contact. My fingers ran over his heart and his hand came up to hold my fingers there. "I never left you...I kept you with me, here." I thought he was being symbolic with that phrase, until I remembered Matt talking to Anna in the kitchen. He'd said, "...right over his heart..." I'd assumed at the time that Kellan had done something romantic for another woman, but what if he'd...

I moved my fingers to the collar of his shirt and pulled it down. He sighed softly, but dropped his hand and didn't stop me as I stretched the fabric. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but then I saw the black markings on his once pristine skin. Confused, I pulled the shirt down farther. That was when my mouth dropped open in shock. He'd told me once that he couldn't think of anything he'd want permanently etched into his skin, and here I was, staring at my own name in beautifully scripted letters, right above his heart. He literally had kept me with him. My own heart cracked into pieces, as I traced the large swirling letters.

"Kellan..." My voice choked up and I had to swallow.

He moved his hand onto mine and pulled my fingers away from his skin, hiding his tattoo again. Interlacing our fingers, he brought them back to his chest and then rested his forehead against mine. "So...yes, yes I do still love you. I never stopped. But...Kiera..."

"Have you been with anyone else?" I whispered it, not sure if I really wanted to know or not.

He pulled back fractionally, and looked at me like I'd just asked him something he couldn't even contemplate. "No...I haven't wanted..." He shook his head lightly. "Have you?" he whispered.

I bit my lip and shook my head as well. "No. I just...I just want you. We're meant to be, Kellan. We need each other."

We both stepped together at the same time, until every inch of us was touching, head to foot. His other hand traveled to my hip as mine slipped around his waist. Without a thought, we both pulled each other even closer. My eyes kept drifting down to his lips and I made myself lift them back to his eyes. He was also staring at my mouth, and when he brought his tongue over his lower lip, followed by his teeth slowly dragging across them, my eyes quickly darted back down and I gave up trying not to stare.

"Kiera," he started again, as his head angled down to me and mine angled up to him. "I thought I could leave you. I thought distance would make 'this' go away, and it'd get easier, but it hasn't." He shook his head slightly as I started to get lost in the overwhelmingly wonderful smell of him that was enveloping me. "Being apart from you is killing me. I feel lost without you."


"I do too," I murmured.

He exhaled brokenly; our mouths were only inches apart. Our fingers against his chest disentangled and I ran mine up over his shoulder. He dragged his slowly down my necklace again. He whispered, "I've thought about you every day." I inhaled sharply as the very tips of his fingers traveled down my chest and over my bra. "I've dreamt about you every night." The pads of his fingers trailed along my ribs, as mine reached around his neck to twirl around the hair at the back of his head. We both kept drawing each other nearer while he talked, still attracted to each other, almost subconsciously.

"But...I don't know how to let you back in." His hand on my hip moved up my back and mine followed suit down his back. What I could see of his eyes, were flashing over my face, nervous and anxious, scared even. He looked the opposite of how I felt. His lips drifted even closer, until I could practically feel the heat coming off of them. My heart beat spiked and I closed my eyes when he whispered, "I don't know how to keep you out either."

Just then, he was pushed from behind, and for a fraction of a second I thought I heard my sister's throaty chuckle, but I couldn't focus long enough to be sure. My rational thoughts were suddenly obliterated. Whoever had pushed him into me had closed the distance for us, and Kellan's lips were now firmly on mine. We froze for a good ten seconds, and then stopped denying what we both wanted and began to move together simultaneously - light, lingering, soft kisses that seared my lips and quickened my breath. I offered no resistance and completely gave myself over to him. I was his anyway...

"Oh god," he whispered along my lips, "I've missed..." He pressed harder against me and I moaned slightly under his touch. "I can't..." His hand ran back up my chest to clutch at my neck. "I don't..." Our lips parted and his tongue lightly slid into me, barely touching mine. "I want..." He groaned deep in his chest and I found myself matching his sound. "Oh god...Kiera."

Both of his hands drifted to my face, gently stroking back my now freely flowing tears before clutching me firmly. He pulled back to look in my eyes. With a heavy breath, I returned his intense gaze, his eyes smoldering in a way that made me weak. "You wreck me," he growled, crashing his lips back down to mine.

It was like someone had flipped a switch on us both. He pushed us back into the wall, his body hard on mine. My hands flew up into his hair, while his drifted over my chest and down to my hips. I was pretty sure we were going way beyond simple PDA now, and even though I knew some bodies were still lingering in this hallway, quite possibly my sister among them, with Kellan's hands, body and tongue on mine, I just couldn't care enough to be embarrassed.

I savored his heat, his passion, the roughness of his stubble on my sensitive skin, and the occasional noises that he made, that were so suggestive and alluring. I brought him closer to me and wished we were alone in that backroom. As his hands reached around behind me, playing with the indentation of my lower back, that he seemed to have such a thing for, I suddenly realized that this was what I'd wanted to avoid happening when he first brought me back here. Not that I didn't want physical contact with him, every part of me did, it was just...this wasn't what we needed right now.

Physical contact had never been our problem. It was the slowing things down, having an actual relationship that had panicked me into making a foolish mistake. Firmly, but gently, I pushed his shoulders away from me. With confused, blazing eyes, he let me. Hurt almost immediately entered those eyes, as some realization passed through him. I was sure it wasn't what had passed through me, so I quickly said, "I want you. I choose you. It will be different this time, everything will be different. I want to make this work with you."

He relaxed and looked at my lips and then my eyes and then back to my lips. "How do we do that? This is what we do...back and forth, back and forth. You want me, you want him. You love me, you love him. You like me, you hate me, you want me, you don't want me, you love me...you leave me. There's so much that went wrong before..."

I brought a hand to his cheek and he looked up at me. I could see it then - the confusion, the lingering anger, the rejection, the pain and underneath it all, a deep insecurity. He felt so conflicted, all the time. He doubted himself. He doubted his goodness...all because of me, because of our twisted relationship. I was tired of bringing such turmoil into his life. I was tired of "wrecking" him. I wanted to be good to him. I wanted to bring him joy. I wanted us to have a future together. But, regardless of his assurance, we really would burn out at this pace.

"Kellan, I'm naive and insecure. You're a...moody artist." His lip twitched at that and smiling softly, I continued, "Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies and complications, and we've both tormented and hurt each other...and others. We've both made mistakes...so many mistakes." I leaned back from him and smiled wider. "So, how about we slow down? How about we just...date...and see how it goes?"

He looked at me blankly for a long moment, and then a devilish look passed over his face. It was a look that had been absent from my sight for so long that it hurt my heart in the best possible way to see it. I blushed, and my whole body felt five times hotter when I remembered what Kellan considered "dating".

I looked down, embarrassed. "I meant...actual dating, Kellan. The old-fashioned kind."

I looked up at his light chuckling. His smile softened to a calm, peaceful one, as he warmly said, "You really are the most adorable person. You have no idea how much I've missed that."

My smile matched his, as I stroked the rough stubble on his face. "So...will you date me?" I added a slight suggestive tone and he raised an eyebrow at hearing it.

His smile widened playfully. "I'd love to...date you." His look turned more serious. "We'll try...we'll try to stop hurting each other. We'll take this easy. We'll go slowly."

I could only nod in response.

*******************

In a way that I'd never thought possible from Kellan, we went exceedingly slow. I stayed with my sister at our apartment (and she delighted over and over in telling people that she had literally "shoved" us back together) and he stayed alone in his house, never having gotten another roommate. Our first official date was that Sunday night, when we both had the evening off. We went out to dinner. He held my hand when he met me at my door and at the end of the evening, kissed my cheek when he took me home. It was such a chaste evening, it nearly shocked me. But even though the physical contact was being restrained, our other emotions were running rampant. There was a lot of eye-gazing and dopey smiles from the both of us.

Next, he took me dancing again. My sister (who took great joy in repeatedly smacking Kellan on the back of his head, for lying about the two of them sleeping together - and I always let her, a grin plastered on my face each time), Jenny, her roommate Rachel, and of course, the other band members, came out with us - kind of a group date thing.

I smiled as I watched shy Matt flush with color, as his pale eyes took in the exotic beauty of quiet Rachel. They spent most of the night together, getting to know each other in a secluded corner in the back. The rest of us stayed close together on the packed floor, dancing mainly as one large group. Kellan did nothing more suggestive than slow dance with his arms around my waist, his fingers along the ridge of my lower back. I smiled at his restraint and carefully put my head on his shoulder, determined to match his level.


With lazy, satisfied eyes, I watched Anna and Griffin being too obscene for words on the floor and quickly shifted my focus to where Evan and Jenny appeared to be having a moment. I nudged Kellan's shoulder and smiling, he looked down on me. I flicked my head to where they were slow dancing with their heads together, Jenny gazing up at Evan dreamily, Evan playing with a long piece of her golden hair. Kellan looked back at me and shrugged, a wide smile breaking over his gorgeous face. I couldn't bring my attention back to Jenny after that moment, as his perfect eyes trapped me.

He didn't kiss me until our third date, a romantic comedy that he protested loudly that he didn't want to see, but it being a standard dating rite of passage, I made him go, and I did notice the slight tears in his eyes at the end. He walked me to my door afterwards and politely asked if he could. I smiled at his attempt to be a modest gentleman and told him yes. He attempted a brief peck of a kiss, and I grabbed his neck and pulled him in for a kiss that left us both gasping for air. Hey, impulse control was not always my strength with Kellan, and as my sister had accurately pointed out, he is hotter than all...well, you know.

He'd meet me at school sometimes, and we'd talk over my new classes. I unfortunately had a class with Candy now, and while at first that had hurt and irritated me, now that Kellan and I were making a go of an actual relationship, I found that I didn't care one iota about her. Well, I might enjoy the flash of jealousy on her face when I gave him a kiss at the door, but that was about all I felt towards her. Kellan completely ignored her.

We'd have lunch in our park frequently, as the days warmed up. He wasn't the world's greatest cook or anything, and honestly neither was I, but he'd make us sandwiches and we'd eat them under a large tree, our backs to the bark, our legs entwined, comfortable and relaxed, and feeling like we'd always been together this way.

I eventually put in my notice at my new job and got back my old shift at Pete's. Emily from the day crew had taken over for me, and she was more than willing to switch back to her old time slot. She made it sound like she just couldn't handle the drunken idiots on the packed weekend nights, but I got the impression it was just one drunken idiot that had swayed her. A drunken idiot that was still having frequent sleepovers with my sister, although they didn't seem to be too strict on the whole "monogamy" thing ,and my sister would occasionally have other houseguests, while Griffin never stopped his tales of sordid conquests, that I tried very hard to not hear. Whatever they had, it was at least a mutual arrangement.

It had been long enough, that the bar was no longer buzzing with gossip over the messy love triangle, although I did get quite a few inquisitive stares my first few days back. Most of the people seemed to believe that Kellan's and my injuries really were sustained by a group of punks robbing us, but a few people gave me appraising looks, and I wondered if they hadn't figured out the truth.

The affair, however, wasn't hidden well at all. With Denny leaving the Country, and me leaving the bar, added to Kellan's snappy, moody behavior while I was gone, it didn't take a genius to fill in the blanks, and most of the regulars had it figured out right away. The ones that hadn't, figured it out the night I showed up at Pete's, and Kellan and I...worked things out in the hallway. And if that wasn't clear enough, which, I think the only one who still didn't get it at that point was Griffin, Kellan kissing me every time he sauntered into the bar was a dead giveaway.

Once the stares and whispers died down, being back at Pete's was healing to me, especially listening to the band again. Kellan always sang the emotional song directly to me, and it always brought me to tears. If words could be caresses, than he was making love to me, every time he sang it. Several girls in the front of the packed crowd would swoon when he sang that one, probably picturing themselves as the object of his affection. Occasionally, some would get too "eager" with him after the show, and I'd smile as he gently pushed them back or stopped their lips from attacking his body. It did make a flash of jealousy go through me, but his heart was mine, and I didn't doubt that. How could I, after he'd branded himself?

And, oh the tattoo...I stared at it frequently. Once our relationship progressed to the stage of him taking his shirt off, it stayed there for quite awhile, and I traced the letters often, as we kissed on his couch. I told him that I could get one, of his name, but he insisted that wearing his necklace (that I never took off) was enough, and that my "virgin" skin was perfect as it was. I blushed fiercely at that, but I couldn't get over staring at what he'd done while we'd been apart. Because of his history, I'd assumed he'd found comfort in an assortment of eager girls, but he hadn't. He'd found comfort in me, in my name across his skin. I couldn't ignore the aching beauty in that.

He told me that he'd gotten it the night before we'd seen Denny off at the airport. He'd decided to do it the day Denny and Anna had moved all of my stuff out of his house, as a way to keep me close to him, because he always did need to be near me. I'd never have imagined that my name could be so beautiful, but there were few things in the world as wonderful to me, as that black ink swirled on his chest. Well, maybe his smile...or his hair...or his adoring eyes...or his heart...

He confessed to me one evening that he still kept in contact with Denny. That shook me. I sort of thought their last words had been at the airport. He told me that after that afternoon, he'd called Denny's parents daily. Eventually his persistence paid off and he'd gotten through to Denny. They didn't have much to say to each other in the beginning, but Kellan kept trying. Truly, their relationship didn't advance much, until Kellan confessed that he and I weren't a couple.

Denny had never straight out asked me about Kellan, and I had never volunteered, not wanting to mention such a painful topic when we were trying to be friendly with each other. He'd assumed that we'd jumped into coupledom the moment he'd left. He was shocked when Kellan had told him that that wasn't the case. And most shocking of all...he called Kellan an idiot for letting me walk away. My jaw dropped when Kellan relayed that piece of information.

When I talked to Denny a few days later, he confirmed it. He said that after everything that had happened, it seemed like a waste if we didn't end up together. I laughed at him and told him he was too good of a person. He agreed and laughed with me. He was happy. His job was going great, and he was already in line for a promotion. His relationship was also going strong and 'Abby' was quickly becoming more than just a casual girlfriend to him. I ached at that for a few moments, and then was immensely happy for him. He deserved it.

My own relationship was progressing wonderfully as well. Kellan actually could do the great boyfriend thing, and he seemed to delight in the fact that we were taking things painfully slow. In fact, he seemed to make a point of riling me up to the edge of bursting, and then calmly saying we needed to slow things down. The boy always was a tease. But his eyes were, more often than not, carefree and untroubled, and his grin was loose and easy.

That's not to say that everything in our relationship was smooth and untroubled. It wasn't. We did on occasion have...disagreements. They were generally started by some woman that Kellan had slept with at some point. One even knocked on his door, wearing a long coat that she left unbuttoned, revealing her skimpy underwear set that made me blush furiously. I'd been visiting before my shift when the vixen had shown up. He'd quickly ushered her out, but a tiny part of me couldn't help but wonder what he'd have done if I hadn't been there, and if half-naked women showing up on his door was a common event. I didn't doubt his love, but I'm only human, a human who frequently felt horribly plain next to her Adonis of a boyfriend, and she had been extremely beautiful...and extremely well endowed.


And that was only one instance. There were others. Girls he'd been with would walk up to him at the bar, or even sometimes at my school, and try to restart their "relationship". He always turned them down, assuring me that they meant nothing, and he generally didn't even remember their names (which did not make me feel any better), but the insecurities were there in me, and it hurt. Our "talks" usually brought up his insecurities as well, of me not being over Denny, and really wanting to be with him. Of Kellan being second place, which I repeatedly told him he was not.

We tried to reassure each other that we were in this together, and we were being faithful to each other, but, knowing that the person you're with has cheated on a loved one before lends itself to additional insecurities, even if you are the person they cheated with. And each of us had to deal with our history, of the knowledge that we'd been intimate with other people, while being in love with each other. The memories of hearing (and in that one instance with Kellan, seeing) those intimacies, were hard to overcome sometimes.

He even yelled at me once, for sleeping with Denny after our long passionate afternoon of being together. He'd felt betrayed by that, and he confessed how much that'd hurt, how much that had to do with his decision to leave that fateful night. He'd hidden a lot of how much it had bothered him when I was with Denny, and it had really affected him, after I slept with Denny right after our seemingly perfect day together. He was quite vocal in proclaiming his pain. But then, almost instantly, he felt bad for yelling and sunk his head in his hands. He resisted at first, but eventually he let me put my arms around him, muttering repeated apologies in his ear, while he loosed a few tears.

We'd both wounded each other so deeply. But we made a point of never letting one of us sulk in pain or anger, to talk things out, even if that meant having a two hour powwow in the parking lot at Pete's one night, after I may have tearfully, and quite inadvertently, brought up his threesome, which he countered with watching me flee the club with Denny, knowing exactly where our night was headed, and who was really in my mind. But we did eventually work it out, and continued to work it out.

It took some time, but we eventually found a balance between friendship, love and fire. He hugged me whenever he walked into Pete's and kissed me thoroughly after every show, which embarrassed and delighted me. He stayed close without smothering, and he gave me space without distancing.

Jenny told me repeatedly that we were good together, and she'd never seen Kellan with anyone the way he was with me. I took that to heart, since she'd known him for awhile, bad behavior and all. She was still constantly surprised that he was capable of being a one-woman man. She also stepped up her flirtations with Evan, and I was mildly surprised when I caught them full on making out in the backroom one night. Evan blushed as deeply as I had when he'd caught me, Jenny however, laughed just like Kellan had laughed. Embarrassed, but smiling widely at their budding relationship, I quickly shut the door and ran to go tell Kellan the scoop. He shook his head and laughing, told me that Matt was still having a quiet relationship with Rachel. It would seem the D-Bags were starting to settle down.

As Kellan gave me a sweet kiss, my sister, watching us at the corner of the guys table, said she was jealous of our closeness, while giving an oblivious Griffin a pointed glance that he completely ignored. I couldn't help but wonder if my sister would eventually tame that D-Bag...maybe they'd tame each other. As Griffin had his hands on some other girl's ass the next night, and my sister brought home (I swear) a Calvin Klein model, I thought, maybe not.

I didn't care, I had my man and he had me. It took an additional three months, but eventually, he did have all of me. Our first time being together as a legitimate boyfriend and girlfriend was coincidently a year to the day that I had seen Kellan singing at Pete's for the first time. We took our time, savoring every moment and every sensation.

He sang my song softly to me as he undressed us, his voice low and husky, and full of emotion. I fought back tears the entire time. When the part where the long instrumental section came up, and his administrations to my body got more...intense, the rest of the song was quickly forgotten, and it became very clear that six months of separation and restraint did nothing to squelch our fire. If anything, the wait had made it better...it meant more. It meant everything.

Our reconnection was intense and deeply emotional, like much of our relationship had been. He muttered things to me while we made love - how beautiful he thought I was, how much he'd missed me, how much he needed me, how empty he'd been, how much he loved me. I couldn't even speak to tell him I felt the exact same, I was too overcome by the emotion in his voice. Then he said something that tore me.

"Don't leave...I don't want to be alone." He had actual tears in his eyes as he looked down on me. "I don't want to be alone anymore." Even through the intensity of everything else I was feeling, I could sense the waves of loneliness coming off of him.

I grabbed his face, our movements never stopping. "I'm not. I won't...ever..." I kissed him fiercely to reassure him, and he twisted us so that we were still facing each other but lying sideways on the bed - still connected, still moving together, still making love to each other.

His eyes watered to near overflowing and he closed them, his hand moving from our hips to trail up the side of my body, pulling me even closer to him, like he couldn't get near enough. "I don't want to be without you," he whispered.

"I'm right here, Kellan." I grabbed his hand and put it over my racing heart. "I'm with you...I'm right here." My eyes watered now too, and I closed them as emotion flooded me.

I kissed him again and he left his hand over my heart, almost as if he was afraid if he removed it, I suddenly wouldn't be real anymore. I moved my hand over his, right over his tattoo and we both felt the pulsing life of each other. I opened my eyes and studied his face between tender kisses. He relaxed a bit as my kiss and heartbeat eased his ache, but he left his eyes closed.

I got lost in the moment, watching him, watching the emotion and the pleasure, and even moments of pain shift through his features. His steady rhythm started increasing, along with his breath, and I kissed him softly as low groans he made quickened my own breath. I knew he was getting close, but I was so mesmerized by watching him, that I'd almost stopped paying attention to the amazing things going on in my body. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but the look on his face and the ache in his voice.

Just when I knew he was on the edge, he opened his eyes and cupped my cheek with the hand that had been resting on my heart. "Please," he whispered intently. "I'm so close, Kiera." He inhaled through his teeth and groaned softly. "I don't want...I don't want to do this alone." His eyes still glistened, like any minute a heavy tear would drop, and my own eyes moistened again in response.

"I'm right here, Kellan. You're not alone...you're not alone anymore."

I stopped focusing on what I was doing to him and started focusing on what he was doing to me. That tiny mental shift was all I needed to fall right off the edge. I gripped him tight and held absolutely nothing back from him, letting him know exactly how deep in this I was with him, and he fell right off that edge with me. Then, as we both fell, our eyes locked and we simultaneously stopped breathing, stopped vocalizing, and silently experienced something deeply profound...together.


Our lips found each other's as the fire raged through each of us - hard at first, deep and intense, and then tapering off to light, barely brushing each other kisses, as the fire in us dulled to glowing embers, waiting to flare up again when the moment was right.

He readjusted our bodies, but kept us facing each other, his arms wrapped around me and holding me tight. With another soft kiss, he murmured "thank you" and I blushed horribly, but clutched him tight. He dropped his head to the crook of my neck and rocking against my skin, softly said, "I'm sorry."

I pulled back and he reluctantly lifted his head to look at me. He looked satisfied, but a little embarrassed too. "I didn't mean to...practically become a girl." He shook his head and looked down while a soft laugh escaped me, at the memory of once accusing him of being just that.

I brought a hand to his cheek and he looked back up at me. "Can I assure you, that you're not?" He smiled softly at the comment.

His smile flipped to a small frown and he looked down again. "It's just been awhile, and there was a time when I thought we'd never be..." He shrugged as he struggled for words. "I guess I just got a little...overwhelmed by it, and I'm sorry." He looked up, and an adorably cute grimace was on his face. "I didn't mean to freak out. That was...embarrassing."

"There is nothing about you to be embarrassed about." A small devilish smile lifted his lips, and I blushed as the way he'd taken my words sunk in. With a small laugh, I ran my hand back through his hair and kissed him for a long moment. Pulling back, I ran my fingers down his cheek and with as comforting a voice as I could muster, said, "You don't have to ever feel sorry with me for that...for saying what you really feel...or fear."

I shifted us, so I was on my back and he was mostly on top of me, our legs tangling together warmly. I cupped his face in both of my hands while he smiled contently above me. "Don't ever hold anything back from me. I want to know...I want to know what you're feeling, even if you think I don't, even if you have trouble saying it." His eyes drifted away from mine and I gently moved his head, until he looked at me again. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

He nodded and sank his body down to lay on top of me, his arms tucked under me, his forehead resting against my neck. I sighed and began running my fingers back through his hair repeatedly, occasionally turning to kiss his head, making him sigh and hold me tighter. And so, our first night sleeping together, in the figurative and literal sense of the word, ended with me holding and comforting him. And I found something deep and emotionally binding in that. As my fingers brushing through his hair eventually soothed him into sleep, his hold on me never slackened, and I realized that it never would. The love we felt for each other, while definitely never planned or expected, as I suppose most love isn't, had irrevocably seared us both...deeply. It wouldn't fade. It wouldn't shift to another. It probably wouldn't always be easy...but it would always be...always. And as sleep drifted over me, true peace followed right behind it.

***The End***