Thoughtless

Chapter 20

New Chapter

Luckily, the hallway was empty. I quickly ducked into the ladies' room, which was also empty. The panic abated and I sank to the floor and put my head on my arms. That had been too close. If that had been Denny and not Evan? My stomach clenched at the thought. If I was going to leave Denny, it wasn't going to be with him finding out like that. Was I really going to leave Denny for Kellan? I loved Denny, I didn't want to leave him...but...Kellan's arms had felt so good around me again. I knew that I wasn't going to say no to him anymore. I needed him too much. Maybe it could work with both of them? I smiled and held my fingers to my lips, remembering Kellan's tender kiss. Did Kellan really love me? Did I love him? That thought thrilled and terrified me. Could I really handle having an irrefutable affair? Could Kellan? Could Denny?

Opening the door, I peered down the hall. Still empty...good. I glanced over at the mirror and decided I didn't look like I had almost been with Kellan...again...and sighing, turned and left the small room.

My eyes instinctually went over to the band's table as I reentered the bar. I frowned, no Kellan. Was he still in the back room with Evan? I couldn't worry about it, as I was getting icy stares from several customers, who looked none too happy about my prolonged absence and also...Denny was approaching me, a little cautiously.

I hoped for a moment that maybe no one had told Denny anything yet, but over the low rumble of voices in the bar, I heard Griffin loudly yell, "Yeah, Kiera, woooo - nice bitch slap!" I saw Matt smack him hard in the chest, and heard him mutter, "What? F*cker probably deserved it."


I closed my eyes and cursed the stupid, loudmouthed ass. Seriously, what did my sister see in him?

"Kiera?" Denny's soft accent made me open my eyes. "Everything okay? The whole bar has been going on and on about you hitting Kellan?" His brow was scrunched in concern, his eyes reflecting the same.

Walking by him, I grabbed his hand and made my way to the bar, stalling for time. What do I tell him? Kellan never told me what to say. My earlier irritation at Griffin actually sparked an idea, and without carefully thinking it over, I spit out, "The jerk slept with Anna when she was here, then never called her again...broke her heart."

Denny stopped walking alongside me and I stopped walking...and breathing. "Oh," was all he said. His brow didn't soften though, and I had no idea if he believed me or not.

"I couldn't take him using her like that, and then...all the women he's been bringing home. It was just so disrespectful to her. And tonight he was practically getting a lap dance, and I guess I just - lost it. I...defended her honor, in a way."

"Oh," he said again, then his brow softened and he smiled softly. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier? I would have talked to him about that."

I relaxed and started breathing regularly again. "I...I told her I wouldn't tell anybody."

"Really?" he asked, suddenly curious. "The way she was hanging all over him, I figured she'd spray-paint it on the walls." He shrugged. "Your sister is quite the character." He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Can you please let me do the fighting from now on?"

I giggled nervously and squeezed his hand tighter. Was he really going to buy that? "Yeah, yeah, no problem." I gave him a swift kiss. "My customers probably aren't happy with me. I should get back to work."

He laughed. "They probably loved dinner with a show. Speaking of dinner...I'm starving, I think I'll grab something here." He laughed again and hugged me tight. "I love you, Kiera." He was still chuckling as he made his way to a table...the band's table.

I felt like I might be sick.

I didn't know what Evan was talking to Kellan about in the backroom, but he was in there for over an hour. When they did eventually come out, Kellan kept his head down, and quite sheepishly left the bar. He never so much as glanced at me. I was offended by that at first, but, as I noticed the gossiping whispers around me, I decided that if we'd just had the major fight that the bar patrons think we had...and I suppose, in a way we did, then his reaction was probably the correct one.

He stayed away the remainder of the night. Luckily, Denny accepted my version of the story, and didn't ask the band about it. When I gave him his dinner later, they were all happily chatting about some sports game that was on last night. Denny smiled at me and leaned in for a kiss, which I immediately gave him. I couldn't help but look at Evan when I did that, the compromising position that he had walked in on, still blazing in my mind. Apparently, it was in his as well. He glanced over at me too, and blushed a little bit. I avoided looking at him for the rest of the evening.

Denny left shortly after his dinner, and I had to endure a few more hours of huddled whispers from the customers, that quickly silenced at my approach, as I finished out my shift. I hoped none of them were piecing things together to accurately. I didn't need anyone letting something slip to Denny.

Jenny offered me a ride home. I thanked her for always doing that, and also for her help with Kellan earlier. We were walking across the lot to her car when I stopped in my tracks, my heart suddenly in my throat. Jenny noticed and stared over at what had my rapt attention. Kellan's car was parked across the street and he was outside of it, leaning against the door with his arms crossed on his chest. A smile spread over his face when he saw me notice him.

My heartbeat doubled at seeing him. Jenny sighed, and I looked over at her pleadingly. "All right...go. If anyone asks, I'll say we went for a late coffee and lost track of time or something."

I grinned and hugged her tight. "Thank you, Jenny."

She grabbed my arm as I started to leave. "I'm only doing this once, Kiera." She shook her head lightly, her pale blue eyes narrowing a bit. "I won't be involved in hiding an affair."

I swallowed and nodded, feeling horribly guilty. "I'm so sorry. I never should have dragged you into all of this."

She looked at me thoughtfully as she released my arm. "You should pick one, Kiera. Pick one, and release the other. You can't keep them both."

I nodded and swallowed the painful lump in my throat at that thought. I watched Jenny for a second, as she waved briefly at Kellan, and then made her way to her car. Then I nearly sprinted across the street to him.

He smiled warmly at my approach and taking my hand, led me to the other side of the car, where he sweetly helped me inside. I was glad to see his departure from the bar was just an act, and he didn't seem to have any problems being around me. As I watched him cross the front of the car, our horrid fight much earlier in the evening started replaying itself in my head, and a certain section of it just wasn't leaving me.

I forced a frown on my face as he slid into the car, closing the door gently behind him. Kellan eyed me curiously. "What? I haven't been around you for hours." He smiled wryly. "What could I have possibly done?" he purred.

Keeping my face frozen in disapproval, I stated, "I've been dwelling on something you did earlier...for hours."

He cocked his head charmingly to the side. "I did quite a bit...can you be more specific?"

The corners of my mouth started to rise, and then true irritation made me scowl. "Oh...god...please." I smacked him on the arm. "How could you mock me like that in front of Evan and Jenny?" I smacked him repeatedly on the arm. "That was so embarrassing!"

He leaned away from me and laughed. "Ow! Sorry." He smiled wickedly. "I was making a point."

I smacked him a final time. "I think you made it, a*shole!"

He laughed again. "I think I'm a bad influence, you're starting to swear as much as I do."

I smirked at him and snuggled up close to his side. He looked down at me. "You can mimic me sometime if you like?" He seemed entirely too excited by that prospect, and I couldn't help but laugh at him.

I blushed, remembering his...performance. "You were quite good at...that."

He laughed again. "Not my first time."

I gaped in disbelief at his answer and he chuckled at the look on my face. Then suddenly, he got an odd glint in his eyes. It made my heart quicken. "Hmmm..." He cocked his head to the side and smiled crookedly. "You are right...that wasn't very fair of me." He grinned fully and my heart skipped a beat. "Here, I'll do me..."

I was about to protest that it wasn't nearly the same thing, the two of us locked in a car with only me to hear him, when he snuck his arms around me and held me tight against his body, bringing his lips directly to my ear.

My argument left me. My conscious thought left me.

Increasing his breath in my ear, he groaned lightly. I shut my eyes, my own breath increasing. The warm air passing his lips tickled my neck, giving me shivers as he let those soft lips brush my ear.

"Oh..." He elongated the word enticingly, then inhaled noisily. I was shocked at my body's reaction - electricity shot through me instantly.

"God..." He strained his voice intimately and ran his hand up my thigh. I shifted on the seat, my breath embarrassingly fast.


"Yes..." He whispered the word, and added a noise on the end that made me lose all pretense of control.

I spun to face him, grabbing his neck and pulling him into me, kissing him hard. Excitement and surprise coursed through me as our kiss deepened. He smelled so good...he tasted so good...he would feel so good. Maybe a car wasn't as bad as a dirty floor?

Abruptly, he pulled away from me. "Can we do something?" he calmly asked, his eyes sparkling playfully.

"Yes..." I practically moaned the word. God, he could do anything he wanted to me...

He pulled back a little farther and grinned. "Do you need a minute?" The smile on his face turned a little smug, and he laughed as I smacked him on the arm again.

He started the car as I frowned at him, my face heating embarrassingly. Damn...he was good. "What did you have in mind?" I said a little grumpily.

He laughed at my look and shook his head a little. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get you all...riled up." I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed enticingly. "Okay...yeah, maybe I did." He winked and I blushed even more. "But right now, I want to show you something." He smiled breathtakingly at me and I could only nod as we pulled away from the street.

I sighed contently and relaxed into him, his arm slung over my shoulders holding me tight. I was gazing into his amazing eyes, watching the streetlights alter the color, when I noticed that we were driving towards Seattle Center.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked him curiously.

"Well, I did promise you that we'd go up the Space Needle."

"Kellan...it's two in the morning, it's closed."

He smiled at me. "It's okay...I know people." He winked.

We parked and like the first time we came here, he grabbed my hand. A man, who obviously worked there, met us and let us in. I looked up at Kellan curiously. The man had been expecting us. What had Kellan been up to this evening? He handed the man more than a few large bills and smiling, the man led us to the elevators at the Needle. As the doors closed in front of us, I leaned over and whispered to him, "How much did you give him?"

He smiled and whispered back, "Don't worry about it. The house wasn't the only thing my parents left me."

He winked at me and I was going to ask him another question, but the elevators were rising and through the front of the glass doors I could see the city quickly dropping below us. I gasped and pressed against the far wall. Heights weren't my favorite, and the elevator suddenly felt tiny and very breakable.

Noticing my pallor, Kellan turned my chin, so I was looking at him. "You're completely safe, Kiera," he said, then he kissed me gently and I completely forgot about the fragile looking elevator.

We arrived at the top, just as my hands were coming up to tangle in his hair, his arms slipping around my waist, our kiss now quite intense. The man Kellan knew cleared his throat, quite loudly, and we both looked over at him. I blushed and Kellan laughed.

"I guess we're here," he chuckled, leading me out of the elevator.

He patted the man on the back and grabbing both of my hands, walked backwards, towards the edge of the inside observatory overlooking the city. It was dark in the building, since it was closed. Only a couple of emergency lights were on, and they did little to illuminate the room. But it seemed every light was on outside, and the city glowed beneath us.

"Kellan...wow...it's beautiful," I said softly, stopping to look out over all the sparkling lights.

"Yes, it is," he said, equally as soft, but he was leaning against the railing with his back to the view, staring at me, not the city below us. "Come here." He held his arms out to me.

We were on the inside of the needle, and a safe distance from the edge, so I felt okay enough to walk over to his embrace and lean against the railing with him. He turned his head to look outside at the city, but now all I could see was him. I studied his features in the half-light; he was more breathtaking than the view. I couldn't see why this perfect creature was enamored with me.

"Why me?" I whispered to him.

He turned to look back at me and as expected, my breath caught when he smiled. "You have no idea how attractive you are to me. I kind of like that." He cocked his head to the side as he watched me blush. He was thoughtful for a second, then added quietly, "It was you and Denny...your relationship."

I ran my fingers through his hair above his ear and frowned. "What do you mean?" He looked back over the city, but didn't say anything. I grabbed his cheek and made him look back at me. "What do you mean, Kellan?" I repeated.

He sighed and looked down. "I can't explain this properly, without...without clarifying something Evan said."

I frowned again and thought back over our earlier fight, it seemed a lifetime ago, so much had changed. "When you told him, quite rudely by the way, to back off?"

He looked back up at me, looking like he'd rather not talk about it. "Yeah."

"I don't understand...what does that have to do with me?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Nothing...everything."

I half-smiled at him. "Eventually, you're going to start making sense, right?"

He laughed and looked over the city again. "Yeah...just give me a minute."

I embraced him tightly, putting my head on his shoulder. He could have all the time in the world, if I could keep holding him like this. The city twinkled mesmerizingly and I inhaled his intoxicating scent deeply, as I snuggled further into his leather jacket.

He held me back just as tight, lightly rubbing my back with one hand, the other holding the back of my head. Finally, he slowly said, "You and Evan were right about the women. I've been...using them...for years."

I pulled back a little to look at him. "For years? Not just because of me?" I felt oddly hurt by that.

He tucked some hair behind my ear. "No...although, that certainly made it worse."

I frowned, slightly uncomfortable by the conversation. "You shouldn't use people, Kellan...for any reason."

He raised an eyebrow at me and smiled slightly. "You didn't use me, to block out Denny our first time?" I blushed horribly and looked away. Of course I had used him. He grabbed my chin and made me look back at him. "It's okay, Kiera. I suspected that." He sighed and looked out over the water on our other side. "It didn't stop me from believing we might have had a chance though. I spent that whole damn day, wandering around the city, trying to figure out how to tell you...how much I loved you, without sounding like an idiot."

"Kellan..." I had always wondered where he went that day.

He looked back at me. "God...when you went right back to him, like we were nothing at all, that killed me. I knew it..." He shook his head, almost angrily. "The minute I finally came home, and heard you two upstairs, I knew we didn't have a chance."

I blinked in surprise. "You heard us?" I was confused. Kellan had come home much later...and drunker.

He looked down, like he hadn't meant to mention that. "Oh...yeah. I came back and heard you guys in your room, getting...reacquainted. That...pretty much sucked. I grabbed a fifth, headed to Sam's and, well, you know how that turned out."

An odd guilt washed through me. "Kellan, god, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

He faced me again. "You didn't do anything wrong, Kiera..." He looked away for a second. "I was such a dick to you afterwards. I'm sorry about that." He grinned sheepishly at me and I grimaced at the memory; he had been a jerk. "I'm sorry, I tend to lose the filter on my mouth when I'm angry...and no one seems to be able to make me angrier than you." He smiled apologetically at me.


I laughed once and raised an eyebrow at him. "I've noticed that." I thought back over some of our more colorful fights. He laughed softly and guilt washed through me. "You were always right though. And I did kind of deserve your...harshness."

He stopped laughing and grabbed my cheek. "No you didn't. You never deserved the things I said to you."

"I was...horribly misleading to you."

"You didn't know I loved you," he said softly, stroking my cheek.

I looked up into his loving blue eyes and knew I didn't deserve his kindness. "I knew you cared for me. I was...callous."

He half-smiled and kissed me softly. "True," he whispered. "But we seemed to have gotten off track." He smiled warmly, changing where our conversation had been going. "I believe we were talking about my messed up psyche."

I laughed and looked over his shoulder, shaking off my bad mood. "Right, your...whoring."

He laughed. "Ouch." I laughed and ran a hand over his chest while he gazed at me for a moment. "I suppose I should start with the whole tortured childhood speech."

"We've already talked about that, you don't have to bring it up again." I gazed at him sadly, not wanting him to bring up that painful subject unnecessarily.

"Kiera...we only scratched the very tip, of that very deep wound," he said softly. "There is so much more that I don't talk about...to anyone."

"You don't have to tell me, Kellan. I don't want to hurt you by-"

He looked past me, his eyes haunted. "I want to...in a weird way. I want you to understand. I want you to know me." Feeling melancholy sweep over him, I met his eye and suggestively raised an eyebrow at that. It worked, he laughed. "Not just...biblically," he muttered playfully.

I twirled my fingers around the hair brushing his neck. "Okay, if you want to...I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me, and I'll respect anything you don't want to tell me." I smiled encouragingly, hoping this wasn't going to hurt him even more.

But he surprised me by laughing softly. "You're going to find it funny."

I froze and gaped at him, nothing about his childhood that he had told me so far was even remotely funny. "I don't see how that's possible," I whispered, searching his eyes.

He sighed. "Well, okay, maybe not funny...coincidental then." He half-smiled at me sadly as I scrunched my face in confusion. "It seems that my mother was...enamored with my father's best friend."

My face paled, coincidental indeed. Kellan smiled at my reaction and continued. "So, when dear old Dad had to leave town for several months...some family emergency thing back East," he shook his head softly, "you can imagine his surprise, when he came back home to find his blushing bride pregnant."

My mouth dropped open and Kellan grinned sarcastically. "Surprise, honey."

"What did your dad do?" I asked quietly.

"Ahhh... " He nodded his head, looking away, and his smile left him. "Well, here is the part where my mother showed her true brilliance." He looked over at me, as I looked at him confused again. His gaze intensely serious, he calmly said, "She told him that she was raped while he was gone...and he believed her."

My face felt like it had just lost all the color from it as I stared at him, disbelieving his completely true story. What kind of a person would do that?

His face paled too, as he softly said, "He looked at me, as the seed of a monster, from day one. He hated me before I was even born."

His eyes watered, but no tears fell. I kissed his cheek, wishing I could do more. "I'm so sorry, Kellan." He nodded and continued gazing at me thoughtfully. "Why would your mom do that?"

He shrugged. "She didn't want to lose everything, I guess." He laughed once, humorlessly. "Once she played that card though, man, she committed to it. There's even a police report somewhere, blaming some generic white guy." He laughed humorlessly again. "My birth certificate even says 'John Doe' under the father. Dad wouldn't claim me." He whispered that last part.

"God, Kellan..." A tear dripped down my cheek. "And they told you all this?"

He looked out over the water. "Repeatedly, it was practically my bedtime story. Goodnight, boy...by the way, you ruined our lives."

Another tear dripped down my cheek. "How do you know about your...about the best friend?"

He looked back at me and sighed. "Mom. She told me the truth." He brushed a tear off my cheek. "I guess my...sperm donor Dad, bagged out when she told him she was pregnant. She never saw him again. It broke her heart...and she hated me for it." He cocked his head as he watched the horror on my face. "I think she hated me even more than Dad did," he whispered.

More tears fell as I hugged him, and kissed his cheek again. He hugged me back loosely. "You never told your father the truth? Maybe he would have been-"

He cut me off. "He would never have believed me over her, Kiera. He hated me. I only would have gotten brutally hurt, and I generally tried to avoid that." I pulled back to look at him, and brushed some hair off of his forehead while he continued. "He had to have known anyway."

I blinked, surprised. "Why?"

He half-smiled sadly again. "I look just like Dad's best friend...spitting image. Who knows, maybe that's why he really hated me...Mom too."

Anger welled in me over these people who had grudgingly raised him. "You were innocent. It wasn't your fault." I couldn't stop my seething tone.

He ran both hands down my hair to my cheeks. "I know that, Kiera." He kissed me softly. "I've never told anyone that before. Not Evan, not Denny...no one."

I was moved that he would confide something so personal to me, but I didn't really understand what this had to do with all the women...and me? "Why did you tell me?" I asked softly, hoping that didn't sound rude.

He only smiled warmly at me though. "I want you to understand." He looked down and said quietly, "Can you imagine, growing up in a home filled with such loathing?" He looked back up at me with a sad smile, and ran a finger down my cheek again. "No, I'd imagine you were surrounded by love..."

Not being able to stand his painful smile, I leaned in and kissed him softly. He lovingly smiled back at me, and then stood up straight and took my hand. "Come on." He nodded towards the railing and we started walking along it, looking out over more of the beautiful city. My eyes were mainly on his though, as he blankly stared out the windows. He was obviously still in thought. There was more he wanted to tell me.

After a few silent paces, he finally did. "I was quiet as a child. I kept to myself. I had no real friends to speak of... " He smiled wryly. "I had my guitar...that was my closest relationship." He shook his head and laughed once. "God, I was pathetic."

I squeezed his hand and stopped walking, grabbing his cheek with my other to make him look at me. "Kellan you were not-"

"No, I was, Kiera," he interrupted, kissing my hand after removing it from his cheek. Starting to walk again, he said, "Let me clarify...I was pathetically lonely." He smiled down on me as I frowned. "And then...quite by accident on my part, I assure you..." he looked thoughtfully out the windows, now almost completely showing a view of the dark Sound, "I discovered something that made me feel, for the first time ever...wanted, cared for...almost...loved." He said the last part quietly.


"Sex?" I whispered.

He smiled down at me again. "Hmmm..." He nodded in agreement. "Sex. I was young that first time..." he grinned and shook his head, "which, you've probably already pieced together." I blushed a little, at that remembered conversation on his bed, as he continued. "Probably way too young, but I didn't know it wasn't...okay. It just felt like someone finally cared. I started..." He blushed and looked away from me. "I started repeating that feeling as often as I could. Even back then, it was shockingly easy for me. There was always someone, and I didn't care who, who would want to be with me. I kind of got obsessed with it...with feeling that connection. Who knows, maybe I still-"

He stopped walking and looked back at me, a worried expression suddenly on his face. "Do you think less of me?"

I didn't see how he could be blamed for seeking out any kind of love, living the life forced upon him. I put my hand on his arm. "Kellan, I couldn't possibly think any less of you."

He laughed and I realized how bad that statement sounded. I looked away, embarrassed. "You know what I mean."

He laughed softly. "You really are truly adorable."

"How old were you?" I asked, mainly to cover my embarrassment.

He sighed and then admitted, "I was twelve. In her defense, I told her I was fourteen. She bought that. I don't think she really cared though."

I looked back at him, my mouth open again. I forced myself to shut it and smile at him. The thought of how desperately he must have wanted some tenderness, brought tears to my eyes. He searched my face, a slight crease of worry on his perfect brow. Needing to comfort him, I leaned over and tenderly gave him a brief kiss. He smiled and relaxed, gazing at me for a few quiet minutes.

"So, you use women to feel...love?" I asked quietly.

He looked down, embarrassed again. "I didn't realize it at the time. I really didn't even think about it, until you. I couldn't figure out why you were so different to me. I know now that it's not right...." He looked back up at me. "But it was something. It made me feel less...lonely." I felt another of my tears drop at that, and he brushed it away. "Anyway...what no one seems to consider, is the fact that they use me too. They don't care about me." We started walking again and he looked out over the sparkling city, showing itself again on the other side of the water.

I searched his thoughtful face and couldn't help the wave of guilt that I had also, at one point, used him. But surely, not every encounter he'd had, had been an empty one. "You've never been in love?" I asked timidly.

He looked back at me with a half-smile that doubled my heartbeat. "Until you...no. And no one has loved me either."

Continuing to watch him as we walked in silence, I tried to see how this impossibly gorgeous man in front of me, could never have felt real love. That made no sense. Surely, this beautiful, talented, funny, seductive and just...amazing man, had known love before.

"Surely, some girl..."

"No," he cut me off. "Just sex...never love."

"A high school sweetheart?"

"No. I tended to...associate...with older women. They weren't really looking for...love." He smiled wryly, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he meant by that.

"Some...naive waitress?"

He smiled at me. "Again, before you...no, no one who cared for me."

"Oh...well, one of your fans then." I said meekly. I knew from experience, just how much he had been "loved" by them.

He laughed genuinely. "Definitely no, that is the fakest sex of them all. They could care less who I actually am. They're not even with me, when they're...with me. They're with this rock-star image that they have of me, but that's not...that's not who I am. Well, it's not all I am."

I smiled and kissed him softly on his jaw. No, he was so much more...

Pulling back, I hesitantly asked, "Roommates?" I also knew full well that I wasn't the only one he'd bedded. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear about him and...Joey, but I was curious.

He looked over at me with the corner of his eye and smiled sheepishly. "I really wish Griffin hadn't mentioned that one. You must have thought I was horrible. Sometimes, I don't know why you ever touched me at all." I frowned and tried to shake my head, but he sighed and started explaining. "No, there was never anything between Joey and I, but sex." He looked up, like he was trying to think of how to put it for me. "Joey...liked being worshipped. When it was clear to her, that her body wasn't my only...temple, well, she was also overly dramatic." He grimaced and shrugged. "She ran off in a huff, with boy toy number...three, I think."

He stopped walking again and turned to look at me, grabbing both of my hands in his. "I know I've overdone it with women, but I've never felt for anyone, what I feel for you. And I've never felt from anyone, what I am feeling from you now," he whispered.

I swallowed the emotion in my throat and kissed him softly again. Pulling back, I gazed into his love filled eyes. "So, Denny and me...our relationship?" I asked, starting to get lost in his amazing blue depths.

"Right...that." We continued walking along the circular railing and he swung my hand lightly, as he regained his original train of thought. "Well, I guess, at first I was just intrigued by it. I'd never seen anything like that. So warm and tender and...real. And the fact that you moved across the Country to be with this guy...I can't think of anyone who would do that for me. The people that I know, don't have relationships like that, and my parents certainly never..."

"Right..." I said softly, watching his face darken momentarily.

He bit his lip and looked out the windows. "Living with you, watching you with Denny, day after day...I started to want what the two of you had. I stopped..." he looked over at me and grinned, "as you put it, whoring." I smiled and he laughed, then frowned. "But unfortunately, I started to care for you. I didn't understand it at first. I just knew it was wrong to think about you like that. You were clearly Denny's. People's relationships haven't always...mattered to me, but Denny means a lot to me. That year he stayed with us...that was the best year of my life." He smiled warmly at me and whispered, "Well, maybe until this year."

I smiled warmly back at him and kissed him on the corner of his jaw. It gave me a small thrill of delight. It was so wonderful to be able to kiss him freely, whenever I wanted to. I squeezed his hand and cuddled into his side, as I looked out over the skyline.

"When I fell in love with you...it was like nothing I'd ever known before. It was nearly instant. I think I started falling for you, the moment you shook my hand." He chuckled at the memory and playfully nudged my shoulder, while I blushed. "It was so powerful. I knew it was wrong, but it was addicting." He stopped walking and spun me out away from him, then quickly drew me back in, slipping his arms around my waist and holding me tight. "You are so addicting to me." He kissed me softly.

He smiled at me, his eyes filled with love. "Sometimes, it felt like you cared for me too, and then everything in the world was perfect." He frowned. "But most of the time, you wanted him, and a part of me wanted to die." He paused, watching my startled reaction to that. "I tried so hard to stay away from you, but I kept making excuses to touch you, to hold you," he smiled coyly and looked away, "to nearly kiss you while watching porn. God, you have no idea how difficult that was to turn away from you."


I giggled in remembered embarrassment.

He closed his eyes and lightly shook his head. "That first time, I held you for hours afterwards...just feeling your warmth, your breath on my skin." He opened them and looked at my again startled face. "You said my name once while you slept. That made me feel...well, it was almost as good as the sex." He grinned devilishly and I laughed, feeling my face heat.

He sighed and looked away from me. "I wish I had been strong enough to stay...but I wasn't. I chickened out. I couldn't tell you what I had just figured out." He looked back to me with wistful eyes. "That I desperately loved you."

I curled my fingers through the back of his hair, wishing I had something profound to say. "Kellan...I..."

He continued, not letting me finish the thought I didn't have any way. "I wanted to leave when you went back to him. After having you...it was so hard to watch you with him. To watch you love him, how I wanted you to love me. It made me so angry. I'm so sorry."

I felt my eyes water as I remembered that time, and hugged him tight against me. I hadn't known. I had assumed I was just another conquest to him. I had hurt him...deeply. "I'm the one who's sorry, Kellan..." My voice trailed off.

He sighed and smiling, looked down. "And then, when I finally got the strength to leave...you asked me to stay, and I got my hopes up. I started to believe that maybe...at the very least, you cared for me." He looked at me crookedly for a second. "You seemed to really want me to stay."

My face heated in embarrassment at just how "badly" I had wanted him to stay. He smiled at my reaction and then his face smoothed into seriousness. "You probably didn't hear me, but I told you I loved you that night. I couldn't seem to stop it from slipping out."

"Kellan, I-"

He interrupted me. "Then you cried for Denny, and I wanted to die again." I felt more tears drip down my cheeks, at hurting him, yet again. He watched my tears thoughtfully. "That night was so...intense for me. I wanted so badly to hold you after, but you were so upset...you looked ill." He swallowed a lump in his throat. "I made you feel ill. You hated what we had done, and it had meant so much to me." He peered at me from the corner of his eye, as he nearly looked away. "I hated you after that," he whispered.

More tears fell on my cheeks, and I sniffled a bit. He sighed and fully looked away. "I almost left that night. I wanted to..." He turned to look back at me, and grabbed my cheeks softly with his hands. His expression softened and his eyes gazed into mine adoringly. I felt my eyes dry up, watching his perfect face stare at me. "I couldn't leave you. I remembered the look on your face, when I told you I was leaving. No one's looked at me that way before. No one's ever cried for me before. No one's asked me to stay before...no one. I convinced myself you cared for me." He shook his head lightly and smiled. "I knew then, that I would stay with you...even if it killed me."

He pulled me to him for a deep kiss. I eagerly kissed him back, wanting to make up for hurting him, in some small way. When I was nearly breathless, he pulled away and grabbing my hand, we started walking again.

He looked over to me as we walked stories above the peaceful-looking city below. "I am sorry about being so...amorous with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I simply...wanted you." He smiled crookedly at me, making me miss a step. He laughed softly and continued. "When you asked, I did try to keep it...well, you had to know on some level that we were never innocent, right?" He looked over at me with an eyebrow raised, and I grudgingly nodded. He smiled. "Well, I tried to keep it less...sinful then."

He glared down at me. "You made that shockingly hard to do."

"Me?" I asked, confused. He was the absurdly sensual one.

He shook his head in mock exasperation. "Yes, you. If you weren't dressed provocatively, or throwing yourself on me provocatively, or..." he grinned at me indecently, "making very provocative noises..." I blushed very deeply and he laughed. "If you weren't doing all that, then you were simply just too adorable to resist." He glared at me again. "I am only a man after all."

I shook my head at him. I hadn't done any of those things, well, except for the unfortunate noises part. "You're absurd, Kellan." I rolled my eyes and he laughed charmingly.

"Again...you don't realize how attractive you are to me." He grinned mischievously. "After all this time, I would think that was painfully obvious," he murmured, and I playfully elbowed him. He laughed, then more seriously said, "I am sorry, I took it too far." I looked up into his suddenly sad again eyes as we continued walking. "I should have let you end it...you were right to stop it. Everything that happened later was my fault. I should have let you go. I just, couldn't..."

"Kellan, no, it-"

He interrupted me again. "The club, that was...intense. I wanted you so bad, and you wanted me too. I considered pulling you into a bathroom and taking you right there. I think you may have even let me?" He looked down at me, and I could only nod speechlessly; he could have taken me anywhere. He started to smile, but frowned instead. "I saw Denny coming. I couldn't do it. I pushed you away, praying desperately, that you would tell him you wanted me. That you would choose to leave with me. You...didn't, and it killed me."

I stopped walking again and he took a step, then slowly turned to look back at me. He looked hurt again. I stepped up to him and put a hand on his cheek. How badly had I repeatedly hurt him? I felt horrible inside.

He gazed at me, lost in the memory. "I couldn't even come home. I took your sister to Griffin's. I think I bored her. I wasn't much fun, moping on the couch all night like I did. Eventually, she gave up on me and turned her attention to Griffin." He shrugged. "And well, you know how that ended."

I swallowed roughly. I had assumed so much that was not true about that night.

"I was...I am, really freaked out about what happened...in the car," he said quietly. "What I said. What I did. I didn't know you thought I slept with Anna, until that moment, and I was so angry at you for...Denny, I let you believe it. I...embellished it." He looked down, embarrassed. "Being angry with you, almost made me want you even more."

I had to swallow three times, before I could speak. "Kellan...you have no idea how difficult that was for me. How hard that was to ask you to stop, when my whole body was begging for you not to." I stroked his cheek and considered kissing him, when he swallowed roughly.

"You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself. I wasn't lying, about what I had been thinking." I swallowed nosily at the look on his face, and remembered what he had crassly said to me. He watched my face intensely. "Do you think less of me now?"

Stubbornly, I shook my head and he sighed and looked away. "I'm so sorry I yelled at you, Kiera." His eyes glistened as he faced me again, and I ran my hand back through his hair.

Swallowing loudly, I found my voice again. "I know you are sorry...I remember."

"Ah, yes, me sobbing like a baby...not my finest hour." He tried to look away again, but I brought my hand back to his cheek and made him look at me.

"I disagree. If you hadn't, if I hadn't seen that remorse, I probably would never have spoken to you again."

He spoke very softly, "It wasn't just remorse. True, I felt horrible for speaking to you like that...but mostly, I was sure that I had just completely severed the only loving relationship I've ever had. I knew I'd lost you. I knew you were completely Denny's then. I saw it in your eyes, and I knew I'd never have a chance with you - none." A tear did finally escape his eye then, and I brushed it aside with my thumb. "I never expected you to...comfort...me. No one's ever done that...ever. You don't know how much that meant to me."


He swallowed roughly again, and again I thought to kiss him, but he pulled back a little and stared at me intently. "I was so scared to be near you after that. I allowed myself one last goodbye with you in the kitchen, but I didn't want to touch you anymore." He scanned my eyes, like he was searching for forgiveness in them. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I needed to be distracted from you, to make sure I never took things so far again." He pulled my hand off his cheek and looked away, out over the city again. The lights sparkled in his still overly moist eyes. "I'm so sorry about all the women, Kiera. I never should have hurt you like that. I didn't want to...well, maybe a part of me did. I just-"

I interrupted him. "You don't...you already apologized for that, Kellan."

"I know." He looked back to me, another tear threatening to spill. "I just really feel like I messed up. But, you didn't want me, in the same way that I wanted you...and I couldn't bring myself to leave you anymore. I did the only thing I knew, that I've ever known, for blocking out the pain." He shook his head remorsefully, and the tear fell down his cheek. "To feel...wanted," he whispered.

"Women," I stated, watching pain flash through his features.

"Yeah." His face looked bleak and desolate, like he had just confessed to multiple murders, and not being a single guy who slept around with perfectly willing women.

"Lots and lots of women." I added a note of sarcasm, hoping to lighten his mood.

"Yeah...I'm sorry." He did fractionally raise his lips in a smile.

"It's okay. Well, it's not okay, you still shouldn't use people...but, I think I understand."

He looked up at me from under his eyebrows, an adorable expression of hope on his face. I couldn't resist anymore, I leaned up and kissed him for a moment.

"So..." he asked, pulling away, all too soon.

"What?" I asked, confused and mildly irritated. I wasn't done kissing him. I didn't think I'd ever be done kissing him.

He half-smiled in a charming way. "Was I right? Did you use me?"

"Kellan..." Guilt flashed through me, and I looked away.

His smile left him and he very seriously said, "It's okay if you did, Kiera. I just, I would like to know."

I sighed. "I have always felt...something for you, but...yes, the first time I did use you, and I'm so sorry, that was incredibly wrong of me. If I'd have known that you loved me, I never would have-"

"It's okay, Kiera."

"No, it's not," I whispered, and then softly added, "The second time, I didn't. That had nothing to do with Denny. That was about us. That was real. Every touch after that, was real."

"That's surprisingly good to hear," he whispered, not looking at me, but smiling softly, and then suddenly he frowned. "You should be with Denny...not me. He's a good man."

"You're a good man too," I said, searching his perfect, but still frowning face.

He shook his head lightly and I ran my fingers through his hair and sighed. "Don't let our relationship, make you think that you're a bad person. You and I are...complicated."

"Complicated..." He repeated, cupping my cheek and running his thumb along my cheekbone. "I suppose we are." He dropped his hand. "That's my fault-"

I cut him off with, "Don't, Kellan. I'm just as culpable as you. I've made mistakes..."

"But," he started to interrupt.

"No, we both messed this up, Kellan. It takes two to...you know. I wanted you just as badly as you wanted me. I needed you as much. I wanted to be near you just as much. I wanted to touch you as much. I care for you..." I couldn't quite finish that thought, and I let it hang in the air between us, unfinished.

Tears welled in his eyes again. "I've never been very clear with you. Maybe, if I had just told you that I loved you from the beginning? I'm so sorry, Kiera. I hurt you, so many times. There's so much I wish I could take back. I-"

I stopped him with a deep kiss. I understood better now. It still hurt, but I could see just how badly I had hurt him as well. He did the only thing he knew how to do, to cope with his pain. Right or wrong, it was all he knew. He brought his hand to my cheek again and returned my kiss just as deeply, both of us forgetting for a moment, our emotional conversation.

After an eternity, that was entirely too short, he pulled back and quietly said, "We should get going."

"Wait, you brought me all the way up to this highly romantic...vacant...spot, and all you wanted to do, was talk?" I raised an eyebrow at him suggestively.

He grinned and shook his head. "My, my - look how I've corrupted you."

I smirked and laughed.

"Come on, I'll take us home." He started leading me to the elevators while I pouted. Noticing my expression, he said, "Kiera, it's getting late...well, early, and you don't want to be late from your ball." He frowned as he looked at me. "It's not your carriage that will turn into a pumpkin."

I rolled my eyes at his analogy, but he was right, I did need to get home. I pushed aside my disappointment, and my surprise that I actually was disappointed. I had kind of expected... I blushed, and didn't bother finishing that thought.

We finished our circular walk back to the elevators, and I took one last look at the spectacular city below us and the spectacular man before me. I smiled as he pushed the button and we waited for the doors to open.

"Fine, your loss though." I pulled him through the now open elevator door by his t-shirt. "I've been told that we're amazing," I teased. He grinned wickedly and pulled me in for a deep kiss, as the doors closed behind us and we descended.

On our way out of the Needle, he looked over to me with a somber expression. I looked back at him curiously, and butterflies tickled my stomach. He stopped us, as we stepped up to his car, and cocked his head to the side as he regarded me.

"There is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about."

The butterflies tickling my stomach were doing somersaults now. "What?" The word was barely more than a whisper.

Abruptly, his grim expression changed to a wry grin and a cocked eyebrow. "I can't believe you stole my car...really?"

I laughed at my remembered joy ride...then I remembered why I had taken it, and gave him a sour face. "You had kind of deserved it at the time." I lightly poked him in the chest. "You're lucky it came back to you in one piece."

He frowned as he opened my door. "Hmmmm...in the future, could you just slap me again, and leave my baby alone?"

I grabbed his chin, as I put my foot in the car. "In the future, could you not go on anymore 'dates'."

His look was somber again, until he grinned and kissed me lightly. "Yes, ma'am." He lightly shook his head at me, as I sat down. I smiled to myself as he closed the door and walked around to his side of the car.

I snuggled into his shoulder as we silently drove home. The comfort of our silence was as palpable to me as the warmth of his skin as he held my hand in his. It was only now, freely touching him, freely giving myself over to him, that I could fully comprehend how much I had missed him. How severe my addiction had been. I smiled inwardly, at the memory of him saying that I was his addiction. It pleased me tremendously that we felt the same draw towards each other. Although, I still didn't see what he saw in me.

Even after we pulled into the driveway and he turned the engine off, we stayed locked together in the car, my head on his shoulder, and his arm around my waist, pulling me in tight. Neither one of us wanted to face the cold reality of life outside this cozy vehicle.


Kissing my head, Kellan broke our comfortable silence. "I dream about you sometimes...about what it would have been like, if Denny hadn't come back, if you were mine. Holding your hand, walking into the bar with you on my arm...not having to hide anything anymore. Telling the world that I love you."

I smiled and looked up at him. "You mentioned that you dreamt about me once. You never said about what though." I kissed his cheek and smiled warmly at him. "I dream about you too sometimes." I immediately blushed, remembering some of my steamier dreams of him.

"Really? Huh, we're kind of pathetic, aren't we?" He laughed, then noticing my blush he half-smiled adorably at me. "And what are your dreams about?"

I giggled like an idiot. "Honestly, I mostly dream about sleeping with you."

He laughed for a good minute, while I blushed and laughed with him. "God...is that all I am to you?" he teased, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together.

I stopped laughing and gazed at him. "No...no, you're so much more." My tone got serious on me.

He nodded, not laughing anymore as well. "Good, because you mean everything to me."

Feelings flooded through me for him, and I snuggled closer and clutched his hand tightly in mine. I never wanted to leave this car. I never wanted Kellan to leave this car. But I knew we couldn't stay like this forever.

Kellan broke through my thoughts, with a question I didn't want him to ask. "What did you tell Denny?"

I cringed a bit, knowing my lie probably wasn't as good as what he would have come up with. And the thought of him being the better liar, didn't entirely thrill me. "That you slept with my sister and broke her heart. That's believable, everyone saw you at the bar together. He seemed to buy it."

Kellan was looking at me with his brow furrowed. "That won't work, Kiera," he said slowly.

My heart rate started increasing. "Yes, it will. I'll talk to Anna, she'll back me up. I've had to lie for her before. I won't tell her why, of course...and Denny probably will never ask her about it anyway."

His brow still furrowed, he shook his head. "I wasn't thinking of your sister, that's not why that won't work."

I looked at him, confused, until a sudden realization hit me. "Oh god...Griffin."

His brow furrowed more and he nodded. "Yeah...Griffin, he really does tell everyone." His brow relaxed and he looked at me amused. "I don't know how you managed to miss that. You've gotten good at tuning him out." His amusement didn't last long and he frowned. "When Denny hears that it isn't true..."

"What was I supposed to tell him, Kellan? I had to come up with something." I looked down at my hands. "You know, it's possible that you both..."

"No." I looked back up to where he was smiling warmly at me. "It's not possible." His frown returned. "Griffin is very...specific on what he tells people. It's not just that he slept with her. It's that he slept with her, and I didn't, like he stole her away from me or something. He's got this weird competitive thing-"

I cut him off. "I've noticed that." I sighed and lay my head back on the seat. "God, I didn't even think about that."

He sighed. "I can't guarantee you anything, but I could try talking to Griffin. Maybe get him to alter the story. I'll probably have to threaten to kick him out of the band. Actually, I may just do that anyway."

"No!" I exclaimed, a little loudly, and I slapped a hand over my mouth and looked fearfully at the door.

Kellan looked at me oddly. "You want me to keep him in the band?"

I looked at him wryly, a faint smile coming to my lips, until I remembered my real objection. "No, I don't want him to know - ever! He won't stay silent about that. He'd tell everyone, in horrifying detail. He'd tell Denny! Please, don't ever-"

"Okay." He put his hands on my shoulders, as I was starting to panic. "It's okay. I won't tell him anything, Kiera." I breathed out in relief and he sighed again. "It wouldn't matter anyway. He's told too many people already." He looked at me sadly, as he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry, but Denny will find out that you lied to him...and then he'll start to wonder why."

I gazed up at him, swallowing roughly. "And then what? After he knows I lied, how long do you think we have?" I asked quietly.

"How long before Denny figures out that we've slept together?" He grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers. "Well, if you stay out here with me all night, he'll probably have it figured out by morning." He chuckled and rested his cheek against my head. Sighing, he said, "I don't know, Kiera. A few hours, maybe? A couple of days at the most."

I pulled back and looked up at him, alarmed. "Hours? But...he has no real proof. He couldn't possibly think... "

"Kiera..." He released my hand and stroked my cheek. "He has all the proof he needs, right here." He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear again.

"What do we do, Kellan?" I whispered, suddenly afraid that Denny could somehow hear us, all the way out here in the car.

He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. "I can start the car, and we can be in Oregon before the sun comes up."

Run away? He wants to run away with me? My insides tightened. I could imagine it - running off into the night with him and never looking back. Giving up school, work, and my friends, everything...but leaving Denny. A sharp pain wrenched through me, and I thought I might get sick, right there in the car. The thought of never seeing him again, of never seeing those warm, brown eyes sparkling at me...

"Hey." Kellan's hand stroked my hair. "Breathe, Kiera, it's okay...breathe." He cupped my cheek as I struggled to do what he asked. "Look at me...breathe."

I stared into his deep blue eyes and focused only on my breathing. I hadn't realized I was starting to hyperventilate. I shook my head, as tears started to fall. "Not like that. He's too much a part of me. I need time. I can't talk about this yet." He nodded, and his eyes started to glisten. "I'm so sorry, Kellan."

"Don't be..." he whispered. "Don't be sorry for loving someone." He pulled me into his shoulder and kissed the top of my head. "Don't worry, Kiera. I'll think of something. I'll fix this, I promise."