Thoughtless

Chapter 23

Consequences

I shifted on his bed for the hundredth time. Kellan's arm was around me and he was sleeping soundly, his cheek resting on his other arm, his face turned towards me, all doubt and worry erased from his perfect features. I wasn't quite so sure it was erased from mine. I'd finally chosen, and in the heat of the moment, I'd chosen Kellan. It all still felt a little surreal to me. I snuggled into Kellan's side and he sighed contently. I tried to imagine being with him like this every night, having the open relationship with him that he wanted - that we wanted. It had been such a taboo idea for so long, that I couldn't quite envision it at the moment.

I shifted again on the bed. There was one final hurdle to tackle before I could really picture going forward with Kellan...and it was one that was tearing my heart apart. Denny. I should get up now and sneak back into our room. I shouldn't risk him finding out this way. I shouldn't have risked making love to Kellan last night...again. I just, I seem to not always have the best judgment when it came to that amazing man. But Kellan was right, it was a bad idea. Denny should never catch the two of us being intimate like that. I remembered his reaction in my dream. I couldn't even begin to imagine his real reaction if he walked in on us. Especially now that he knew I lied, now that he was suspicious.

I should tell him. I should finally tell him...everything. I just had no idea how.

Sighing, I lifted Kellan's arm off of me. He mumbled something in his sleep and started to reach out for me again. I smiled and brushing a lock of hair off his forehead, kissed him softly. I grabbed my hastily flung clothes and slipped them back on, then I opened his door and with a final glance at his peaceful body, his sheet half-heartedly draped over his physical perfection, I shut it and headed back to my room.

I slipped into my bed as stealthily as I could. Denny didn't stir when I carefully lay down next to him, and I didn't look at him this time. I kept my back to him and carefully breathed in and out. I waited for him to move, for him to roll me over and demand where I'd been. He didn't. He slept as soundly as Kellan had been. Eventually exhaustion took me and I gave in to the slumber, intimate thoughts of Kellan on my mind.

I awoke a short while later from a particularly good dream, anxious to see him again. Denny was still sleeping, but I was positive Kellan would not be. I quickly darted to the bathroom to freshen up, and then quietly dashed downstairs. As predicted, Kellan was leaning against the counter, a fresh pot of coffee brewing behind him, smiling over at me and looking completely perfect, dressed in my favorite bright blue shirt that made his eyes seem inhumanly blue.

"Morn-"

He didn't get a chance to finish his greeting before my lips were locked on his and my hands were twisted in that fabulous hair. He returned my kiss eagerly, his hands cupping my cheeks. Between our lips, I muttered, "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he muttered back. "I hated waking up with you gone."

You would think we hadn't seen each other in days, instead of hours. I luxuriated in the smell of him, the feel of him, the taste of him. I reveled in his warmth, in his tender hands traveling down my shoulders, in the feel of his hair between my fingertips, and his tongue brushing against mine. I never wanted him to stop kissing me. That was when he suddenly pulled away from me, taking a few steps towards the table.

"We should talk about Denny, Kiera..."

Just then, Denny walked into the kitchen. "What about me?" he asked curtly.

Kellan and I were luckily a few paces apart when Denny had unexpectedly appeared in the entryway, but my heart shifted instantly into triple time. Kellan was more composed, and smoothly said, "I was just asking Kiera if you would be interested in hangin' with me and the guys today. There's this thing at EMP-"

Denny cut him off while I gaped at him. Did he just come up with that on the fly, or was that really his plan for today? "No, we'll stay here."

I didn't miss his inflection on the word "we'll" and neither did Kellan. His face paler, he said, "Okay...come by if you change your mind. We'll be there all day." An odd tension built up in the kitchen and Kellan finally broke the silence. "I'd better go...pick up the guys." And with a final meaningful glance at me behind Denny's back, he left the two of us alone, in the suddenly too quiet kitchen.


A few moments later, I heard the door close and Kellan's car growl to life and drive away. And just like that, he was gone and my heart dropped a little. By his final look, I knew he was giving me time to "talk" to Denny, and I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't even sure if I could do it. I mean, how do you tear someone to pieces that you still care for? And I do...even throughout everything, I still loved him. Love doesn't exactly come with an off switch.

I spent the bulk of the afternoon laying on the couch, sleeping...or pretending to, while Denny watched over me from the chair, the TV playing in the background purely a distraction for the overwhelming silence between us. I wasn't ready to destroy him yet. I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready for that. I didn't know how to tell someone who had been everything to me for so long, that it was over.

I could feel his dark eyes resting on me all day...thinking. Denny was brilliant, the only reason he hadn't put it all together yet was pure devotion to me. He refused to see my flaws and he hated to cause me pain. Acknowledging my betrayal, would force him to do both.

He may have been avoiding the words, but I saw it in his eyes - the fear, the doubt. I knew that eventually he would gather the courage to ask me that dreaded question: Are you in love with someone else?

Every look he gave me, every time he touched me, every conversation he did start with me, I was sure he was going to ask me. Ask me if I was leaving him. Ask me if I was in love with Kellan. I tensed in anticipation every time. I didn't know what I would say if he did ask.

But the questions never came...

He never once asked me about the lie he had caught me in last night. He never once asked me for the real reason for the awful slap I had given Kellan. On the few instances we did speak that horridly long afternoon, he seemed to be purposefully avoiding any topic of conversation that might bring up Kellan.

By the end of the day, his expression was darker, his mood introspective. Eventually all conversation dried up, and I began avoiding his dark accusatory glances.

Kellan did eventually come back, late, hours after the sun set on our chilly little home. He walked into the kitchen and saw Denny and I finishing a silent dinner. Kellan glanced over to me, probably wondering if I had talked to him at all. I could only shake my head nearly imperceptibly, no. He understood. His face was torn, and I thought he might turn around and leave again, but calming himself, he put his keys on the counter and grabbed a beer from the fridge. His disheartened eyes haunted me though and I couldn't help but to stare at him, even though I knew Denny was intently watching me. I so wanted to go over to him and explain, but I knew I couldn't.

His eyes not leaving mine, Denny spoke over to Kellan, "Hey, mate. I think we should all go out. How about The Shack? We could go dancing again?" His accent inflected oddly on the word dancing. My heart jumped. Why would he want to go back there? I forced my eyes back to my plate.

I could hear Kellan shifting uncomfortably. "Yeah... sure," he said quietly.

My heart started to race and I kept my head down, concentrating on my food and my breathing. This was not good...not good at all.

Kellan turned and took his beer to his room. Denny and I finished our awkward meal in silence, his eyes never straying far from mine. Finishing before him, I mumbled something about getting ready and stumbled my way upstairs to prepare for a night that I felt would be as equally horrific as the last time we had all gone there together.

Kellan's door was closed as I passed it and I briefly wondered if I should pop in and explain why I had chickened out in talking to Denny today. I couldn't though. I wasn't ready for that conversation either. I sighed and went to the bathroom to rearrange my hair, redo my makeup - anything to stop my mind from spinning.

Finally in the car ride over, Denny broke his hours long silence. "Have you decided what you want to do for winter break?" he asked, an oddly flat tone in his accented voice. He looked over to me and his expression softened for the first time all day, moisture glistening in his eyes. "I'd really like to take you home with me...over the holidays. Will you think about it, Kiera?" His voice wavered a bit on my name.

I clearly heard the real question he was asking me: Will you choose me? I could only nod at him, moisture stinging my own eyes as well. I turned to look out the window at the city flying by me. That was how my insides felt, that I was flying towards something, and it was too late to stop it.

Denny and I beat Kellan there. He seemed to be delaying the inevitable weirdness, I wished I could. Denny pulled us straight through the bar, to the doors leading to the beer garden in back. I noticed a sign on the door as he opened it, "Winter fest - beat the chill". Apparently we were celebrating the iciness in the air.

Even though the weather was really too chilly to just sit around and drink beer, there were a lot of people outside and Denny led me to the same table as the last fateful time we were here. I had no idea if he did that deliberately or not. My eyes flicked back to the gate, back to the espresso stand. Did he know about that night? I tried to force my stomach to stop turning. He ordered drinks for the three of us and we sipped our beers in silence, Denny looking thoughtful.

My breath inadvertently caught when Kellan walked out of the bar. I hadn't meant for it to happen. I prayed Denny didn't see it happen. He was just so...breathtaking. He walked smoothly to our table, his eyes oddly at peace. He even smiled over at Denny while he took a seat by me. My heart sped a little, part nerves, part from his nearness.

The bar was busy, the music coming from speakers all around the beer garden loud, and several people were out on the make-shift dance floor having a good time in the approaching-frigid air. I hoped Denny wasn't serious about the dancing, I didn't think I could fake that right now, the way my heart and stomach were flopping around. I watched the drunken people warming their bodies with physical movement, while I started to shiver a bit from the cold. Again I wondered why Denny sat us out here, and not inside the warm bar. I put my cold hands in my lap, resisting the instinct to reach under the table and grab Kellan's.

I don't know how long we sat there in silence, Kellan and I watching the crowd, but studiously ignoring each other, Denny watching me intently, but eventually, Denny's work phone rang. Startled, I looked over at him while he smoothly picked it up. He spoke a few sentences then closed it. Sighing, he looked over to me.

"I'm sorry. They need me to come in." Looking over me to Kellan, he said, "Can you take her home? I have to go." Kellan simply nodded and Denny stood to leave. I was too shocked by the turn of events to speak properly. Denny leaned down to me. "Will you think about what I asked?" he said quietly. I mumbled an okay and grabbing my cheeks in both hands, he kissed me so deeply that I groaned and instinctively brought my hands up to his neck. My heart raced and I was slightly breathless as he pulled away.

Kellan shifted noisily in his chair and for a second, I had a horrifying image of Kellan starting something with him. He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair again as Denny said goodbye to both of us and turning, left the bar. I watched him leave, my heart still racing. His beautiful face turned once at the door, to give me a final glance goodbye. He nodded a little and smiled fractionally when he saw me still watching him, and then he entered the bar to leave out the front doors.

I numbly turned my head to look over at Kellan. Would he be mad at me for that? Would he be mad at me for not talking to Denny today? Surely he could understand how hard this was for me. Meeting his gaze however, I only saw love in his eyes.


He grabbed my hand under the table and started talking, as if we had been on a date the entire evening and my boyfriend had not just thoroughly kissed me and left the bar.

"I was wondering...since you probably don't want to take me home to your parents yet," he paused and looked at me meaningfully, "which I completely understand." He smiled. "Maybe you'd like to spend winter break with me here? Or we could go up to Whistler? Canada is beautiful and..." He stopped and looked at me curiously. "Do you ski?" He shook his head, not waiting for a response from me, which was good, since I couldn't form words yet. "Well, if not...we don't have to leave our room." He grinned wickedly at me.

I was staring at his blue eyes and I was hearing his words...but I wasn't seeing him, and I wasn't absorbing what he was saying, other than he wanted to spend winter break with me. Unknowingly, he was asking me the same thing Denny just had. Kellan continued going on and on about what we could do in Canada and I tuned him out.

My mind started thinking about what Denny had asked in the car. Denny wanted to take me home with him to meet his parents, before we moved over there. Only, that wasn't the plan any more. We would be over by then, we would be over soon, and he would go home alone. I swallowed painfully and my mind tortured me, by allowing every memory I had of him to flood through me.

I remembered our first meeting. He had been smiling at all the students as they walked in and my breath caught when I saw him. I blushed slightly and looked down when his smile turned to me. The professor had him pass out some papers to the class, and as I was sitting on the edge of the row, he handed me a large stack to pass down to the others beside me.

"Hello. Enjoying the class so far?" he said quietly, and the surprise over hearing his delightful accent, and honestly, having his attractive face so close to mine, had caused me to clumsily drop the entire stack of papers to the floor.

"I'm so sorry," I said, as I knelt down beside him to help him pick them up, my face surely bright red.

"It's okay," he said sweetly. When we were all finished, he stuck his hand out. "My name's Denny Harris."

I blushed again and shook his hand. "Kiera...Allen," I mumbled.

He helped me stand up and carefully re-handed me the stack. "It's nice to meet you, Kiera." He had said it warmly, and even now I remembered the thrill of hearing his accent curl around my name that first time. I hadn't been able to take my eyes off of him after that day. I'd had to work extra hard paying attention in that class.

I remembered our first date. He had asked me one afternoon in the quad. I had been completely surprised and definitely eager. I tried to keep a smooth face though, as I'd casually said "sure". He picked me up that night and we went to a very nice restaurant overlooking the river. He suggested something good to eat, but let me make my own choice. He never even let me see the bill, and we had an amazingly easy conversation all throughout dinner. Afterwards he held my hand, and we walked down the sidewalk talking casually, neither one of us wanting the evening to end. When it did end, he walked me to my door and gave me the softest, sweetest kiss that anyone had ever given me. I think I fell for him on that night.

My awareness jerked back to the present when Kellan asked me a question, and I didn't respond right away. I finally heard the question on his second attempt. "Kiera...did I lose you?" I blushed, realizing I had no idea what he'd been talking about. He was still sweetly stroking my hand with his thumb, but was looking at me concernedly. "Are you all right? Do you want to go home?"

I nodded, still feeling unable to speak. We stood and he led me with a hand comfortingly on my back to the side exit in the gate. Immediately upon seeing the parking lot, I looked for Denny's car where he had parked it. It was gone...he was really gone. Unintentionally, I glanced over to the fateful espresso stand. Kellan noticed my gaze and squeezing my hand, looked down on me, smiling softly as the gate closed behind us. But seeing the stand didn't take my mind back to Kellan, and our night of tortured bliss. It took me back to a simpler, purer time...with Denny.

I remembered our first time together...my first time ever. We had been dating for two months. For a guy in his early twenties, that was an eternity, but he never pushed me. We would kiss and do...other things...for as long as I wanted, but the second I pushed him away, he happily retreated. He never once made me feel guilty about it, which of course, had only made me want him more. He knew it was my first time and he made it special for me. He rented a cabin and we had spent a long winter weekend there. Our first time had been the stuff of movie magic - warm fireplace, soft blankets, and quiet music. He took his time with me, making sure I was completely comfortable with every step...which I was. He had been so amazingly gentle and tender, it hadn't even hurt. Afterwards, he'd held me tight to his chest, and told me that he loved me for the first time and I, of course, started to cry and told him that I loved him too...which promptly led to our second time.

Back in the real world, Kellan was leading me to his car. He was still talking softly to me. His topic had changed to what we could do this summer. "After high school, I hitch-hiked down the Oregon coast. That's actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it. There are these caves..."

I tuned him out. Step after step was barraging me with more heartfelt memories of Denny.

We took two steps towards the car - memories of birthdays, the latest being my twenty-first, when he had taken me to a local bar and sweetly held my hair back when I got very, very ill. Memories of Christmases past, at my parent's house, snuggled on his lap watching my family exchange gifts. Memories of a dozen red roses given to me on Valentine's Day...and my birthday...and our anniversary, all with the sweetest goofy grin on his face.

Another step - memories of getting food poisoning, and having him wipe my forehead with a cold rag and bring me water. Memories of him trying out new recipes on me, most of them really good, a couple astoundingly bad. Memories of snuggling in his bed and watching a movie. Memories of studying together for school...and promptly making out instead.

Another few steps - more current memories of traveling across the country in his beat-up car, tossing fries at each other, playing the license plate alphabet game for hours, singing along with the radio and thoroughly enjoying the twangy country songs through the mid-west, taking a quick dip in an ice cold river to freshen up, making love in his car at an empty rest stop.

One more step - walking along the pier, falling asleep with him on the couch, dancing together at the bar, him sappily calling me his heart...

Another step - the soft hair along his jaw line, his warm brown eyes, running my fingers through his dark hair, his soft lips, his alluring accent, his gentle words, his goofy grin, his good humor, his good nature, his good soul...

He was my comfort. He was my solace. Nearly everything I had faced in my young life, I had gotten through because of him, because he was always there for me, with soft words and a tender heart. Would I have that with Kellan? I remembered all of our heated fights, the words we used to hurt each other with. Denny and I rarely said unkind things to one another...but with Kellan...

What would happen in a relationship with him? Surely, we'd eventually have disagreements and they might be very vocal. I thought back over the course of our entire relationship and what flooded my brain was an image of a roller coaster - up and down, up and down - flying from one extreme to the next. Is that what being with him would be like? Always shifting from high to low, low to high? Could I live a life happily that way?


I liked constant. I liked safe. It was one of the reasons Denny and I clicked so well. He was a cooling lake: supportive, refreshing and most of all, never changing. Kellan...Kellan was fire: passionate, emotional and searing to the core. But fire didn't last...passion eventually fades...and then what? Kellan had so many options available to him. Surely one day, when that passion had faded, and no matter how much he loved me, he would cave to one of the beautiful women always flocking to him. I mean, gorgeous girls were constantly throwing themselves on him. I wasn't physically special, even if he insisted I was beautiful. And he was talented, he could really make it big one day. Then what? The women already flocking, would quadruple in size. How could he possibly resist them all...forever? That would never happen with Denny, of that I was sure, but with Kellan... I knew he would hate himself, but it seemed, possible.

I stopped walking. I yanked my hand away from Kellan and he stopped walking too. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave the man who had been my life for so long, that I couldn't even contemplate my life without him in it. At least...I couldn't yet. I needed more time. I needed to be sure that Kellan and I had something that could work, before I threw away a promising future with a good man that I did love deeply.

Kellan took a step and then turned to face me; his face was gorgeous in the moonlight, composed and yet at the same time, achingly sad. His eyes nearly broke my heart, and I had to look away. It wasn't just that they suddenly glistened too much, the deep blue crystallized into what could very easily shed into tears. It was the calm resignation in them that tore my heart.

Silently he regarded my expression for a minute and then quietly he said, "I did lose you...didn't I?" I looked up at his calm face, surprised. Had he known me better than I knew myself? Had he known that I would do this to him, all along?

"Kellan, I...I can't do this...not yet. I can't leave him. I need more time..."

His calm face broke with a touch of anger behind his eyes. "Time? Kiera...nothing is going to change here? What good is time to you?" He shook his head and nodded it in the direction of our home. "Now that he knows you lied, time will only hurt him more." He meant my indecision would hurt Denny, but as his eyes glistened even more, I was sure he was also talking about himself.

"Kellan, I'm so sorry...please don't hate me," I whispered, my own eyes brimming as well.

He ran both hands back through his hair and left them in the tangled mess for a moment, before bringing them back to his sides. "No, Kiera...no." His voice was quiet with restraint, and a shot of fear went right through me.

&

ldquo;What do you mean? No, you don't hate me or no...you do?" My voice broke on the end, and I swallowed painfully.

Seeing my pained face, he brought a hand up to my cheek. With a tight voice, he softly said, "No, I can't give you any more time. I can't do this. It's killing me..."

I shook my head as tears finally dropped to my cheeks. "Please, Kellan, don't make me-"

"Ugh...Kiera." He bought his other hand to my other cheek and gripped me, almost harshly, cutting off my objection. "Choose right now. Don't even think, just choose. Me...or him? " His thumbs brushed aside tears that were spilling over them. "Me or him, Kiera?"

Thoughtless, I blurted out, "Him."

The very air around us seemed to vibrate with the sudden silence between us. He stopped breathing and his eyes widened in shock. I stopped breathing and my eyes widened in shock. Oh god...why would I say that? Is that...is that what I want? It was too late to rethink my hasty choice. It was too late to take the word back. I watched as a tear dropped heavily to Kellan's cheek. That single tear seemed to solidify my word. The damage was done. I couldn't go back now if I wanted to.

"Oh," he finally whispered.

He started to remove his hands and back away from me, and I clutched him tight and tried to pull him closer. "No, Kellan...wait. I didn't mean-"

He narrowed his eyes. "Yes, you did. That was your instinct. That was your first thought...and first thoughts are usually the correct ones." His tone got a little icy, and then he closed his eyes and swallowed. "That's what's really in your heart. He's what's in your heart..."

I grabbed his hands and held them tight in front of us, as he took a few calming breaths. I could see the struggle on his face to control his anger, and I feebly flipped through my head to come up with something to repair the damage I'd just carelessly caused. I had nothing. No burst of genius on how to fix this.

When his face was calmer, he opened his eyes and my heart broke at the sadness in them. "I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice...and I will. I won't make trouble for the both of you."

His gaze sad, but achingly full of love, he quietly added, "I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice...there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that..." He sighed and looked down to the pavement. "I should have left ages ago. I was just...being selfish."

I gaped at him, disbelieving. He thought he was being selfish? Here, I was the one literally shuffling between the beds of two men, and he was selfish? "I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan."

He smiled a little when he looked back up at me, and then his face got serious again. "You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You're scared to let go...I am too. But everything will be fine." Almost as if to convince himself, he repeated, "We will be fine." He spoke so quietly that I could barely hear him over the loud music drifting over the fence from the beer garden.

He swept me into his arms for a tight embrace. I threw my arms around his neck and curled one hand through his wonderfully thick hair. I inhaled the scent of his skin mixed with his leather jacket, savoring every second with him. His arms pulled me in so tight that I could barely breathe. I didn't care, he could have compressed me into his body and I wouldn't have cared, I ached for his closeness so badly. My mind was still spinning over my shifting choice. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but maybe Kellan was right...maybe first thoughts are the correct one.

With a voice thick with emotion, he whispered in my ear, "Don't ever tell Denny about us. He won't leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don't care."

I pulled back to look at him, tears streaming mercilessly down my face now. He answered my unasked question, another tear shimmering down his cheek in the moonlight as well. "I have to leave now, Kiera...while I can." He brushed multiple tears away from my cheeks. "I'll call Jenny and have her come get you. She'll take you to him. She'll help you."

"Who will help you?" I whispered, searching his achingly perfect face in the silver light. I knew how much he cared now. I knew what I meant to him, and how extremely difficult leaving me was for him. I knew how hard it was for me, and I felt like dying.

Swallowing, he ignored my question. "You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be." His voice cracked on the end and another tear rolled down his cheek. "I promise, I won't interfere."

I wasn't letting it go though. "What about you? You'll be alone..." I needed to know he would be okay.

He smiled sadly. "Kiera...it was always supposed to be that way too."

I stared at his liquid blue eyes, placing a hand on his cheek and holding back a sob. He was willing to give up everything he had ever wanted in this world - a real, deep, to the bottom of his soul love, without a fight, to save Denny's and my relationship. His good heart broke mine. "I told you, you were a good man," I whispered.


"I think Denny would disagree," he whispered back.

I threw my arms tightly around his neck again as a hauntingly slow beat drifted over the fence and pounded through my body. I ran my fingers back through his hair and choked back another sob as he rested his forehead against mine.

"God, I'm going to miss you..." His voice cracked at the end and he swallowed loudly.

It was too much, it was too hard. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't let him slip away. I loved him too much. This was too hard. This felt wrong...all of this just felt wrong. I couldn't let him go...

"Kellan, please don't-"

He immediately cut me off. "Don't, Kiera. Don't ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other...so one of us needs to leave." He exhaled heavily and spoke quickly, while rocking his head back and forth against mine, his eyes tightly closed. "This is the way Denny doesn't get hurt. If I'm gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay...I will, and he'll eventually find out, and we'll destroy him. I know you don't want that. I don't either, baby." He almost seemed to be willing himself to say the words that he clearly didn't want to say.

Pain rocketed through my body and I couldn't stop the sob. "But it hurts so much..."

He kissed me softly. "I know, baby...I know. We have to let it hurt. I need to leave, for good this time. If he's what you want, then we need to end this. It's the only way."

He kissed me again, and then pulled back to look at me; his eyes were as wet and pained as mine must have been. He reached a hand into his jacket pocket and grabbed something. Holding his fist out to me, he gently pried open my hand with his other one. Very slowly, he opened his fist and placed something in my palm.

Through my blurry vision, I looked at what he'd given me. It was a very delicate, silver chain. Attached to the chain was a silver guitar, and in the center of the guitar was a round diamond that had to be at least a carat. It was simple and stunning - perfect, just like him. I inhaled sharply and couldn't speak. My hand started to shake.

"You don't have to wear it...I'll understand. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by." He cocked his head to the side and gazed at my tear streaked face. "I didn't want you to forget me. I'll never forget you."

I looked at him, barely able to speak through the pain. "Forget you?" The very idea was ludicrous. As if he wasn't seared into the very fabric of my soul. "I could never..." I grabbed his face in my hands, the necklace still laced in my fingers. "I love you...forever."

He brought his lips to mine, kissing me deeply. The music behind us swelled along with my heart. Again, I doubted that I could do this, that I could let him leave me. It still felt so wrong. His leaving, after everything we'd gone through, felt completely wrong. How would I survive this? Surely the withdrawals of a permanent separation would break me into pieces. I missed him already, even with his lips pressed firmly to mine, I longed for him.

We savored every second that we had together. I felt like the pain would bring me to my knees. A sob broke through my lips, and he clutched me tighter to his chest. He placed a hand on my cheek and a second later, a sob broke through his, and I deepened our heartbreaking final kiss. This was wrong. I couldn't watch him walk away from me. I needed to speak, find some magic words to get him to stay with me...I just didn't know how. I knew my life would never be the same once this kiss ended. I never wanted it to end...

But of course, nothing lasts forever.

The sound of the gate behind me smashing forcefully closed, forever changed the way I would remember this last tender moment with Kellan.

Terrified, I immediately broke contact and stared at Kellan's wide eyes. He was looking past me, at the figure at the gate, but I could not make myself turn to look. I didn't need to look anyway. There was only one person on this earth who could have caused the intense look of fear, sorrow and guilt on Kellan's face. My whole body started shaking.

"I'm so sorry, Kiera." Kellan whispered to me, never once taking his eyes from the gate.

Denny had just entered our small circle of private hell, and there was no going back for him, for any of us.

"Kiera... Kellan..." My name came out like a question, Kellan's like a curse. Denny moved closer to where Kellan and I were quickly stepping away from each other. His face was confused and at the same time, livid. He had seen that all too tender moment.

"Denny..." I tried to come up with something, but I couldn't. I suddenly realized that Denny had lied; he had never been called away. He had orchestrated this, tested us...we had failed.

He ignored me and glared at Kellan. "What the hell is going on?"

I ran through some excuses that Kellan could say in my head, but dropped my mouth in shock as Kellan simply told Denny the truth. "I kissed her. I was saying goodbye...I'm leaving."

I fought back my despair at that statement, as I watched anger flare in Denny's dark eyes. "You kissed her?" I thought for a moment that he would leave it at that, but then he blurted out, "Did you f*ck her?"

Shock again flared through me at Denny's conclusion to Kellan's simple statement. He had known, or at least suspected. I looked over at Kellan, silently pleading with him to lie.

He didn't.

"Yes," he whispered, cringing a little at Denny's crudeness.

Denny's mouth dropped wide open as he glared at Kellan. Both men seemed to have forgotten that I was even there. "When?" he whispered harshly.

Kellan sighed. "The first time was the night you broke up."

Denny's eyebrows rose, along with his voice, "The first time? How many times were there?" I closed my eyes, hoping this was just a nightmare.

Kellan answered very calmly. "Only twice..."

My eyes flashed open at his statement. Why would he lie about that? But at a meaningful look from him, I understood. Our last few days together had in no way constituted what Denny had crudely asked him. It wasn't a lie, simply...a half-truth. Even in my horror for the situation, my heart warmed a little at his omission.

He calmly finished his thought, looking back towards Denny, "...but I wanted her...every day."

The small warmth in my heart froze and my heart squeezed painfully. My breath completely stopped. What was he doing? Why would he tell Denny that? I must be dreaming. This couldn't be real. It wasn't real.

It happened so fast, that I didn't have time to comprehend it. Denny's fist flew around and connected with Kellan's jaw, the blow staggering him backwards. Recovering slowly, Kellan stood straight and faced Denny again, blood trickling down his now cut lip.

"I won't fight you, Denny. I'm so sorry, but we never wanted to hurt you. We fought against... We tried so hard to resist this...pull, we feel towards each other." Kellan's face cringed as he spoke, his emotional pain worse than his physical one.

"You tried? You tried to not f*ck her?" Denny yelled, and hit him again.

My mind wanted me to scream at Denny to stop. My body wanted me to pull him away. Aside from shaking with fear and an aching coldness that pierced me to my very bones, I couldn't move. Shock froze me in place, gaping like an idiot, and I stood there, silently.

"I gave up everything for her!" Denny struck him repeatedly. Kellan did nothing to block the blows, and made no attempt to fight Denny back. In fact, after every hit he turned to face Denny, intentionally or unintentionally giving him the best possible angle every time. Blood oozed from a cut on his cheek, his lip and over his eye. "You promised me you wouldn't touch her!"


"I'm sorry, Denny." Kellan muttered between hits, barely audible to me, and probably completely inaudible to Denny in his rage.

I wanted Denny to yell at me, to blame me, to hit me, to at least look at me as being equally responsible for this mess, but all his rage was focused on Kellan. I had stopped existing to him. Inside I was sobbing, screaming for it to end. But I just stood there, silently.

Eventually Kellan's strength wore out, and he fell to his knees in a pant, his blue shirt stained with his blood. "I trusted you!" Denny screamed at him, as a particularly brutal knee to Kellan's chin knocked him to his back.

My mind couldn't comprehend it. I started rejecting this reality. I was dreaming, that had to be it. This was just a nightmare, my worst nightmare. Soon I would wake up. But still, like I was stuck in quicksand, I just stood there, silently.

Denny now began kicking him repeatedly with his heavy boots, screaming obscenities with every blow. A vicious one landed on Kellan's arm, more out of luck, than Kellan making any real attempt to defend himself, causing a sickening snap that even in my stupor I could hear. Kellan cried out in pain, but Denny didn't stop. "You said you were my brother!"

My stomach rose. My body shivered uncontrollably. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Reality was shifting to me. Was I going mad? Was that why I couldn't move, couldn't shout for help? I desperately wanted to pull Denny away, hit him if I had to, but listening in horror, I still just stood there, silently.

Another swift kick to Kellan's side, and another audible crack as a rib or two broke. Kellan again cried out in agony, spat out blood, but did nothing to really defend his body, said nothing to defend his actions, only endlessly repeated, "I won't fight you...I won't hurt you...I'm sorry, Denny..."

If my sanity was slipping, Denny's was completely gone. He was a completely different person viciously beating the life from Kellan's weakening body. Denny was beyond angry, beyond enraged. He was screaming ruthlessly at Kellan, a stream of vile things that I had never heard him utter. He seemed to have completely forgotten I was there, frozen in shock and horror as I was.

"Your word is worthless! You are worthless!"

Kellan cringed and turned his head away from those hurtful words, and I had the horrid feeling that it was not the first time he'd heard them. It wasn't the first time he'd been called worthless. "I'm sorry, Denny."

Denny didn't care about his apologies and was still kicking him viciously. "She is not one of your whores!"

Denny paused, panting in his fervor. Kellan weakly raised himself up on one elbow, his body crumpled and bruised in pain, blood stringing from his mouth and freely flowing from a cut above his eye and cheek. He looked up to meet Denny's enraged eyes and I watched Kellan's face twist with pain.

Kellan's next words filled me with an endless warmth and a bottomless fear. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Denny, but I love her," he panted, his eyes drifting back to mine and contentment filling them. He seemed at peace with the fact that he'd finally done it. He'd finally openly declared his feelings for me to his best friend, his brother.

Smiling warmly at me, he also added something onto his declaration that managed to push his friend over the breaking point. "And she loves me too."

I could literally see Denny snap. Glaring wildly at Kellan, he shifted his weight and aligned his foot for what I could clearly see would be a disastrous blow to Kellan's head. Besides panting in pain, his eyes still fixed on mine, Kellan didn't move. Watching me, he wasn't paying attention to what Denny was about to do. His inhumanly blue eyes taking me in, absorbing me like he was memorizing me, was going to be the last thing he ever did.

Without any conscious thought, I screamed "No!" and finally able to move, I dove to the ground to shield Kellan. The surely fatal blow meant for him, connected with my temple instead. I thought I heard Kellan shout my name, and then the whole world went black.