Thoughtless

Chapter 24

Guilt and Regret

I became aware of sounds first - an insistent beeping near my ear that wasn't stopping and soft male voices echoing in my head, as if they were speaking through a tunnel. I tried to focus on those voices, to bring them closer to me, so I could understand what they were saying. Bits and pieces fell to my ears, but not enough to make any sense.

"... now...leave...she'll...hurt...sorry...her...kill...you know..."

A light chuckle filled the room and I thought it sounded familiar, but nothing in my mind or body really felt familiar at the moment. My head felt light and airy, like a balloon tethered to my body. Then I moved it, and a sharp pain screamed at me to not do that again. I listened and stayed still until that airy feeling returned to me. A dull ache in my head registered my body's relief at my decision.

As I was wondering why my head hurt so much, memories started flooding my brain. Horrid memories that I wished I could block out, that I wished had fallen out of my head when the pain had entered it. Memories of my painful goodbye with Kellan. Memories of Denny's face when he discovered us. Memories of Denny beating up Kellan, taking out all of his frustrations on him, trying to kill him. His foot lining up for a devastating blow to Kellan's awaiting head...

"No!"

My memory of the attack invoked the action of what I'd foolishly done to stop it. I sat upright in bed as I yelled "no" and immediately fell back in a heap against the pillow, tenderly clutching my head, and gasping at the level of pain searing my body.

Denny's concerned face filled my hazy eyes. He stroked his thumbs across my cheekbones and turned behind him to mutter something to someone else in the room. A response was muttered back and I heard footsteps walking away as the pain in my head subsided to a throbbing ache. Denny turned back to me and continued stroking my cheeks, drying away some tears that had reached his fingers.

"Shhhh, Kiera. You're okay. It's okay....relax."

I realized I was clutching the front of his t-shirt with a deathlike grip, and forced myself to calm down. My eyes went in and out of focus and I blinked heavily several times to try and see him more clearly.

"Denny?" My voice was scratchy, my throat raw and aching of thirst. "Where am I? What happened?"

Denny exhaled and rested his forehead gently against mine. "What happened? What happened is I thought I'd lost you. I thought I'd killed you. I can't believe what I..." His accent sounded strained to me, like it did sometimes when he was upset or emotional. He exhaled heavily and swallowed before giving me a chaste kiss on the forehead. Pulling back, his dark eyes looked moist. "You're at the hospital, Kiera. You've been in and out of it for a couple days now. It was touch and go for awhile there. We were very lucky...there was bruising, but very little bleeding. You'll be okay."

I reached up and felt the side of my head carefully. Denny's fingers brushed mine as we both felt the tender area above my right ear. "They almost had to relieve the pressure with surgery, but they were finally able to get you back with medicine..." he murmured, as he rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand. My stomach twisted at the thought of a piece of my skull almost being removed. Thank God they didn't have to do that. I closed my eyes and dropped my hand, clutching Denny's tightly.

"Good...she's awake. Probably in a good dose of pain too." A cheerful, plump nurse with a smile about five miles long walked through my door. I cringed at her loud, peppy voice and tried to slip on a smile; it felt a little weak to me. "My name is Susie and I'll be taking good care of you today." With an air of authority she shooed Denny off the bed, even though I tried to keep him there, and shot a clear liquid into an IV attached to me. That was when I noticed the needle in my hand and again felt my stomach twist. She checked on my vital stats and seemed pleased with them. "Do you need anything, sweetie?"


"Water..." I croaked out.

She patted my leg. "Of course. I'll be right back."

She turned to leave and my more focused eyes followed her cat-covered scrubs out the door. Denny sat down on the other side of my bed and grabbed my non-IV needled hand, but I barely noticed. I barely noticed anything anymore and not because the pain meds were kicking in. No, that only cleared the ache in my head. My heart...? That was suddenly throbbing. The beeping beside me sped up as well.

As I watched the nurse leave, my eyes had drifted across the person who had gone out to find her. A person who was still standing beside the door, leaning against the wall, keeping their distance from me and from Denny. A person who's left arm was casted from the wrist to the elbow and whose face was a mosaic coloring of yellow to near black bruising...and still completely perfect.

He smiled at me when our eyes met, and I involuntarily clutched Denny's hand. Denny noticed my rapt attention and looked over to Kellan leaning against the wall. I couldn't understand what the both of them were doing in my room...and not trying to kill each other. They looked at each other and then Kellan nodded to Denny and throwing me a final smile, turned and left the room.

I wanted to shout at him to stay, to talk to me, to tell me what he was thinking, what he was feeling, but Denny cleared his throat and I looked back to him, confusion clear in my eyes. Denny smiled warmly at me and my confusion leapt even higher.

"You're not angry?" was all I could find to say.

He looked down for a moment, and I saw his jaw clench under the light hair there, hair that was a bit longer and stragglier than he usually kept it, like he hadn't left my side long enough to see to himself. He looked back up to me and I watched his eyes shift through multiple emotions, before he relaxed his features and seemed to settle on one.

"Yes...I'm angry. But...almost killing you, well, that sort of put things in perspective." He raised one corner of his lips in a sad smile, and then dropped them to a frown. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made it." He ran a hand down his face. "I don't know how I would have gotten through that. That would have destroyed me..."

I brought my IV hand to his face; it felt heavy and solid, like the rest of my body was starting to feel. He looked back at me as my fingers ran across his jaw. He sighed and smiled slightly. "I wish you'd just told me, Kiera...from the beginning."

I withdrew my hand that suddenly felt overly hot. My heart started thumping and I begged it to calm down, as the monitor with the insistent beeping beside me picked up its pace to match it. He noticed my reaction and sighed. "It would have been hard...but so much better than how I found out."

He dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair; I noticed that his knuckles were still raw and red from attacking Kellan. "Of course...I should have talked to you when I suspected. I never should have set you up like that. I was just hoping... I just so wanted to be wrong."

He raised his head and his eyes suddenly looked exhausted, like he hadn't really slept in days. "I never thought you'd hurt me, Kiera." He cocked his head as I bit my lip to not cry. "Not you..." He spoke so softly, I had to lean in to hear him. "I thought Kellan might try for you. I even made him promise to not touch you when I left. But I never really thought you'd..." He looked away from me and a bitter note that I was not used to hearing from him, entered his accent. "How could you do that to me?"

He looked back to me and I opened my mouth to try and speak. Before any rational speech came out, the nurse came back and merrily handed me a Styrofoam cup, one bead of water hanging off the end of its straw. I couldn't take my eyes off that drop of water, and immediately slurped down the drink when she handed it to me. I think I mumbled some sort of thank you, before she cheerfully walked away.

Denny waited patiently for me to gulp down half the water. Finally I removed the straw and looked down at the cup in my hands, no longer able to meet his sad eyes. "Where do we go from here?" I quietly asked, terrified of his answer. With shaking fingers, I put the cup down on a table beside my bed.

He leaned in and gently kissed my uninjured temple. "We go nowhere, Kiera," he whispered in my ear before pulling away from me.

Tears immediately sprang to my eyes as I looked over his sad, but calm, face. "But I was leaving him. I love you."

He tilted his head and ran the back of his finger down my cheek. "I know...and I love you. But I don't think we love each other in the same way. And...I think keeping you near me, would destroy me. Look at what it almost made me do to you and Kellan. Look what I did do to you and Kellan." He looked back down to the pillows. "I'll never forgive myself for any of that...but it could have been so much worse, and I think it would be, if we stayed together."

The tears spilled down my cheeks now and when he looked back at me, similar tears were on his. "Stayed together? We're not together?"

He swallowed roughly and wiped some of my tears away. "No, Kiera...we're not. If you think about it, really think about it, we haven't been together for awhile." I started to shake my head but he kept going with his awful truths. "No...there's no point in trying to deny it. It's right there, Kiera. Somewhere along the way, you and I started drifting. Even when we've been together, we haven't...connected, like we used to. I don't know if it's only because of Kellan, or if this was just going to happen with us anyway. Maybe he just sped up something that was already coming."

I shook my head again, but I couldn't deny what he was saying. The only thing echoing in my head was "he's right" and I couldn't say that to him. I couldn't confirm what was surely going to be the end of us.

He smiled slightly at my feeble attempt to disagree with him. "I think in the end, you would have stayed with me, out of obligation...or maybe comfort. Maybe I was safe to you, and you needed to feel that." He rubbed my cheek again. "I know how scared you get of the unknown. To you...I must be kind of a security blanket."

More tears rolled down my cheeks and I wanted to both agree and disagree, but I had no idea what the right response was. Which one was worse? He seemed to understand my confusion. "Do you see now, how that doesn't work for me? I don't want to be someone's safety net. I don't want to be there, simply because the idea of me being gone is too...scary."

He placed his hand upon my chest, over my heart. "I want to be someone's everything. I want fire and passion, and love that's returned, equally. I want to be someone's heart." He removed his hand and stared at it. Holding back a sob at the immense loss I felt when his hand pulled away, I stared at it too. "Even if it means breaking my own," he whispered, his accent thick.

With a voice tight with ready to explode emotion, I managed to squeak out, "What are you saying, Denny?"

He sniffed and a couple tears fell from his heavily glistening eyes. "I took the Australia job. I'm going back home in a couple of weeks, once I know you're going to be okay. I'm going back home alone, Kiera."

Then I couldn't control it anymore. Then I did sob. Then I let every emotion I had about Denny and our darkening relationship seep through me, and I knew...I knew that he was right. He should leave. He should find happiness with someone, since he'd never truly find it with me. Not with the turn our relationship had taken. Not with how I'd betrayed him. Not with the fact that even while I was listening to Denny say goodbye, I was wondering where Kellan had gone.


Denny's arms carefully came around me and he swept me up into a tight hug. He cried against me, as I cried against him. He promised that he still loved me and that he'd stay in touch. I'd never lose his friendship, we had too much history for that, but he couldn't be near me. Not as long as I loved someone else. I wanted to assure him that I didn't. I wanted to tell him that I only loved him, and I only wanted to be with him. But it was a lie, and I was done lying, to others and to myself.

I don't know how long he held me. It felt like days. When he pulled away, I tried to hold him tight, but the pain meds had kicked in enough that I was too weak and sleepy to really have much hold on him. It was sort of symbolic and I sort of hated that. He kissed my head as my fingers drifted weakly down his skin.

"I'll be back to check on you tomorrow, okay?" I nodded and he kissed me one last time before turning and leaving.

I watched him stop at the doorway and talk to someone standing where I couldn't see. He looked back to me and then back to the person. He spoke a few soft words and then reached his hand out. He looked to be apologizing. I scrunched my brows, confused, and wondered if the meds were making me loopy as well as tired. Denny gave me a final smile then, and turned away from the person he'd been talking to.

I watched him disappear and my chest seized at the vision of him leaving. I knew this was just the first of many painful breaks he and I would have, the last and most painful, being the final one, when I'd have to watch him leave on a plane again, but permanently this time. I closed my eyes, grateful for a moment that he hadn't done something so stupid that that future would be closed to him. If anything, at least Denny would have a great job that he could find solace in. And I knew that eventually, he'd find a great woman too. God, I hated that thought. But he was right, I'd been holding onto him for the wrong reasons.

A light touch along my cheek roused me from my troubling thoughts. Thinking Denny had returned, my breath caught when I saw Kellan's deep blue eyes gazing at me. His face was a mess - his lip was cut, but pink from healing, his cheek had a pink line across it with a nasty blue/yellow bruise surrounding it and a couple of thin strips of surgical tape holding the healing skin together, his right eye had a taped, healing cut above it as well, and his left eye was so bruised, it was almost black. Between all that and his casted arm, and I'm sure a few taped together ribs, he looked like he'd been put through the ringer...twice.

But my heart still skipped a beat at the sight of him. Literally, I heard it on the annoying monitor beside me. His smile was warm and soft as he sat in the spot Denny had just vacated. I realized then, that he'd been outside the room the whole time, and he'd talked to Denny as he'd left. I wonder if he'd heard our talk, if he knew Denny had broken it off with me.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, his voice low and husky, and warm with concern.

"I guess," I mumbled. "The pain meds kicked in, and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds, but I guess I'm going to be fine."

He smiled a little more and shook his head. "That's not what I meant. Believe me, I've talked to about every nurse in here, I know your situation...but, are you okay?" His eyes flicked over to the door and I knew that he did indeed know about Denny. He may have been listening, maybe not, but never the less, he knew.

A tear rolled down my cheek as I looked up at him. "Ask me again in a couple days," I said quietly.

He nodded and bent down to kiss my lips softly. The stupid monitor beside me increased a tad and Kellan looked over at it and laughed softly. "I suppose I shouldn't do that."

As he pulled away, I grabbed his cheek lightly and ran a finger along the bruise under his eye. "Are you okay?"

He grabbed my hand gently and pulled it away from his face. "I'll be fine, Kiera. Don't worry about that right now. I'm just so glad that you're...that you're not..." He swallowed and looked unable to say anything more than that.

He held my hand in both of his and I stroked the skin of his wrist, where it disappeared under his cast. "You and Denny were both here?"

"Of course, we both care about you, Kiera."

I shook my head. "No, I mean, you were both here in the same room, talking calmly when I woke up. You weren't trying to kill each together?"

He smiled wryly and looked away from me. "Once was enough." He looked back to me. "You've been out of it for a couple days. Denny and I...have had several talks." He started to bite his lip and then stopped when that seemed to hurt him. "Those first few talks weren't so...calm." He reached up to stroke some of the hair away from my face. "Our concern for you eventually tempered those conversations and we talked about what to do, instead of what was done."

I started to say something, but Kellan beat me to it. "He told me he took the job in Australia, and when I asked if he'd take you with him...he told me no." He stroked my cheek as more tears flowed down them.

"You knew he was going to break up with me today?"

He nodded and his eyes looked very sad. "I knew he was going to do it soon. When you woke up and he looked at me...I figured he wanted to do it as soon as possible." He looked away from me and his voice got very quiet. "Rip off the Band-Aid...."

His eyes turned speculative as he examined a spot on the floor for a long time. I started to reach for his face again, when he spoke, eyes still on the floor. "What are your plans now, Kiera?"

I startled and dropped my hand. My head suddenly felt like the blow was nothing, my heart was hurting more that that wound ever would. "My plans? I don't... I don't know. School...work..."

You. I wanted to say it, but I knew how horrible it would sound.

He seemed to hear it anyway, and when his eyes turned back to mine, there was a coldness in the blue depths. A coldness I'd seen many times before when I'd hurt him. "And me? Do we just pick up where we left off? Before you left me...again...for him?"

I shut my eyes and willed my body back to unconsciousness. Like always, my body didn't listen. "Kellan..."

"I can't do this anymore, Kiera."

I opened my eyes at the heartbreak in his voice. His eyes were watering now as he gazed at me. "I was going to let you walk away that night. I told you I'd let you go, if that was what you wanted, and when you said...."

He closed his eyes and sighed. "After that, I couldn't even find it in me to lie to Denny when he found us." He opened his eyes and looked down at our hands, his thumb still stroking my skin. "I knew he'd attack me when he heard the truth...but I couldn't fight him back. I'd hurt him so badly, I couldn't find it in me to hurt him physically."

I wanted to hold him so badly it hurt worse than my head. "What we did to him..." he shook his head lightly, his eyes still unfocused as he remembered that night. "He's the nicest guy I've ever known, the closest thing to real family I've ever had, and we turned him into my..." His eyes closed for a moment as pain flashed over his features.

"I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me... " His voice was soft and spoke volumes of where his head had been that night, his guilt and his pain. His eyes came back to mine. "Because of you, because you always chose him. You never really wanted me, and you're all I've ever..."

He swallowed and looked away. "So...now that he's left you, now that the choice isn't yours, do I get you?" He looked back to me and the fury was there again. "Am I your consolation prize?"


My mouth dropped wide open as I gaped at him. Consolation prize? Hardly. He was never second place, I was just scared. Oh god, I was just scared...

I tried to open my mouth to speak, to tell him that everything I did was out of fear. That I pushed him away so many times, because the level of love between us was terrifying to me, trusting him was terrifying, letting go of Denny's comfort was terrifying. I couldn't though. My heavy lips couldn't form the words. I didn't know how to tell him that I was wrong...that we never should have said goodbye in that parking lot.

He nodded as he took in my silence. "That's what I thought." He sighed and dropped his head again. "Kiera...I wish..." He raised his head and looked at me, the anger earlier in his eyes replaced with sadness."I've decided to stay in Seattle." He closed his eyes and shook his head lightly. "You wouldn't believe how much crap Evan gave me for almost leaving the band." He opened his eyes and searched my face, his eyes lingering on the tender spot by my ear. "I never even thought about my band in this whole mess. I hurt them, when they found out I was planning on ditching town." He shook his head sadly and sighed while I struggled with something compelling to say.

Eventually, he sighed softly again and whispered, "I'm sorry." He leaned down again to softly brush our lips together. Exhaling lightly, he kissed along my cheek to my ear. The monitor betrayed my body's reaction to his nearness, to the smell of him, the feel of him, and he sighed as he kissed the soft spot below my ear. Pulling back some, he rested his head against mine. "I'm so sorry, Kiera. I love you...but I can't do this. I need you to move out."

Before I could react to that, before I could sob and tell him no, that I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay and try and work things out, he stood and left the room without a backwards glance.

For the second time that day my heart broke, and I cried so hard, I lulled myself back to sleep.

When I woke up later it was dark outside and my small room was a pale, peaceful green under the softly lit lights. A painting on the wall depicted geese in a V formation, flying south for the winter maybe, and a whiteboard next to it let me know that my night nurse's name was Cindy. I attempted to stretch my body and got both a pleasant relief from my long rested muscles and a dull ache from my head. I finished the cup of now lukewarm water on the table beside me and tried to stand. My muscles at first refused to cooperate. I was stiff and sore from being in the same position for so long, but eventually I won out and ignoring the protest in my brain, stood, unplugged the beeping machine tracking my heartbeat and made my way to the bathroom, dragging the IV bag attached to its movable stand with me.

Once in the bathroom, I was sorry I'd moved. I looked atrocious. My wavy hair was a mess of curls and snarls, and the right side of my face from my eyebrow to my cheekbone was a horrid black and blue color. My eyes were bloodshot from what felt like days of crying, and my face had a permanent look of desolation.

I'd done it. I'd successfully pushed away two wonderful men. My desire to hurt neither of them, ended up hurting them both. I'd pushed Denny into doing something that was so out of character for him, I could barely contemplate it. The look on his face as he'd struck Kellan repeatedly... I'd never have guessed that side of him was in there, buried deep, waiting to explode one day. I suppose we all have our buttons, our triggers that pushed hard enough, would make even the calmest person flip.

And Kellan, always the passionate one, if I hadn't beaten him down so much, he would have reacted much differently to Denny's outburst. Possibly he'd have fought back. Possibly with an even worse outcome. But it all came down to me...me and my multiple poor decisions and indecisiveness.

I used the bathroom as quickly as a sore person could, and shuffled back to my bed. Curling into a ball, I wondered what I was going to do now. I didn't come up with anything and my eyes slowly reclosed from pain and exhaustion, and I fell back asleep.

I woke briefly throughout the night when the nurse, Cindy, I'm assuming, since I was too groggy with sleep to ask, checked my vitals and reattached me to my annoying beeping machine. I didn't fully wake until the next morning when the bright and cheery Susie returned.

"Here she is, sweetie. Oh, and she's awake too. Great!" She came over to check my vitals and handed me some pills for the pain, which was a bit better today. I barely registered the plump, merry woman though, since my eyes were mainly focused on the beautiful vision of a woman beside her.

"Hey, sis," Anna whispered, as she sat at the foot of the bed. Her long hair was back to its traditional near-black, shiny luxuriousness, and she had it pulled into an adorably high ponytail. The sweater she wore was royal blue and tight enough to reveal all of her marvelous curves, and for once, I didn't care how plain I looked beside her. I only cared that someone I loved was here with me.

My eyes watered as the nurse went about her business. I thought I heard her murmur something about "lunch is in an hour and you should try eating today", before she shuffled out the door. My mind momentarily registered that it was almost lunchtime already, and then focused back on Anna, still gazing at me with perfectly green, but sad, eyes.

Just when I was about to ask her what she was doing here, she spoke softly, "Those boys really did a number on you, didn't they?" I cringed, knowing she must know everything then. She shook her head lightly and then with a sigh, stood and wrapped me in a hug. "Really, Kiera...what were you thinking? Getting in-between a fight?"

I choked back a sob and muttered, "I wasn't...obviously."

She held me for a moment, and then crawled into the bed bedside me, snuggling up to the side of me that wasn't attached to an IV. She held my hand tightly in hers and put her head on my shoulder. "Well, I'm here to do the thinking for you from now on," she muttered into my shoulder and I smiled softly at her comment, relaxing into her warmth.

"I love you, sis, and I'm so glad you're here...but what are you doing here?" I hoped that didn't sound disingenuous. I really was thrilled to see her.

She pulled back to look at me. "Denny. He called after the...accident." Her eyes narrowed as she looked me over. "You're lucky he got me and not Mom or Dad. Your broken butt would be on a plane back home by now."

I cringed again at that thought. No, it was probably better if my parents never knew about this. "Well, don't you have a job or something back there?"

She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Trying to get rid of me?" I was already shaking my head no, and clutching her arm to keep her near me, when she chuckled. "No...I've been between jobs. Honestly, I think Mom will be glad to have me off her couch for awhile, and what better place to find work then way out West with my self-destructive sister?"

She beamed at me, as what she was saying registered in my slow head. "Wait...you're staying in Seattle?"

She shrugged and then put her head back on my shoulder. "I was just going to make sure your stupid ass was okay, but then I heard that you needed a place to stay and thought maybe I could find a job out here and we could be roommates. At least until your school is over with." She looked up at me with a stunningly beautiful and playful expression. "Do you think Hooters is hiring? I bet the guys there tip crazy-good."

I rolled my eyes at my capricious sister, and then narrowed them at her. "How did you know I needed a place to live? Kellan only told me that yesterday..."


Her face went blank and she sort of looked like a deer in headlights, a painfully attractive deer in headlights. "Shit. I wasn't supposed to mention that. Damn, he's gonna be pissed." She shrugged again. "Oh well." She sat back on the pillow and I turned to look at her better, curious over what she was talking about.

"I ran into Kellan downstairs. He told me what was going on. He told me that he asked you to leave." She raised her eyebrow again. "He looks like shit, by the way. Hot shit, but shit nonetheless. Denny really did that to him?"

I was nodding at her without really thinking about it. "Kellan is still here...at the hospital?" I kind of figured he'd written me off and gone home to dwell with a bottle of Jack, and maybe even a girl...or two.

She sighed and tucked some hair behind my ear, her fingers staying on the gross bruise I knew covered part of my face. "He's crazy in love with you, Kiera. He won't leave the hospital. He wanders around downstairs, drinking coffee, and waiting to hear if your condition has changed." She removed her hand and tucked it under her cheek on the pillow. "Some of the nurses up here were even talking about him when I came up. Apparently, he's charmed quite a few and they tell him things about you when he comes up here every once and awhile." She rolled her eyes. "There's some serious crushing going on in that nurses' station."

I blushed at that and turned to stare at the ceiling. I tried to picture where he might be in the hospital, feel his warmth, even through our distance. All I could feel was the dull ache in my head and the greater ache in my heart. "He's not coming back in here...is he?"

Anna sighed heavily and I turned again to look at her almost glistening eyes. "No," she whispered. "He said it's too hard. He needs space." She scrunched her brow in a too cute expression of confusion. "He said he needed a minute." She shrugged, like she didn't understand that.

I closed my eyes. I did. Our code...he needed a break...from me. How badly had I hurt him this time? Bad enough for him to finally stay away...sort of. Even though I was chilled with loneliness at forcing two men away from me, it warmed me that he still cared enough to stay somewhat close to me.

I opened my eyes at my sister's voice; it was completely serious for once. "Really, what were you thinking, Kiera...carrying on with two men?" Her voice lost its seriousness for a second as her lips twisted in a wry smile. "Did you learn nothing from the John and Ty fiasco?"

I smiled at her brief love triangle and then frowned, remembering my own. "I certainly never planned it, Anna. I just... I got..." I sighed heavily and felt tears sting my eyes, "...overwhelmed."

She held me close and kissed my head. "You're such an idiot, Kiera." I pulled back to look at her, irritation probably clear on my face, and she gave me an amused grin. "Don't shoot the messenger. You've got to know how badly you messed things up." She touched my head, almost for emphasis.

Humility tumbled through me and I shut my eyes again. "I know...I'm an idiot."

She hugged me as my tears started to spill over my cheeks. "Well, you're still my little sister, and I still love you." She sighed as I cried on her shoulder. "I always told you to stick to books and not people. People just aren't your thing."

Says the Queen of Broken Hearts, I thought, a little unfairly.

Almost as if she heard my thoughts, she pulled away to look at me. "I'm not saying I'm a role model or anything, but, at least I never promise the guys...anything. And you promised them both, didn't you?"

I nodded and brought my hands to my face as a sob of guilt and grief filled me. She held me and rubbed my back. "It's okay...it will be okay. You're just young. You're young and inexperienced, and Kellan is hotter than all f*ck."

I stiffened a bit and looked up at her, shaking my head. She interpreted for me. "I know...it was more than that. I have noticed his softer side. I have noticed the melancholy, the pain he tries to hide, the intensity in his music. I'm guessing he's pretty deep. I'm guessing he's pretty emotional, and I'm guessing he was pretty damn hard to resist."

I sighed and slumped against her, happy that at least she understood that it had nothing to do with his looks...not really. She rubbed my back and again whispered that everything would be okay. We were silent for a long time, until she finally sighed and pulled away from me. "You must have hated me when I came to visit." She shook her head a little on the pillow. "Me all over Kellan like that."

I opened my mouth and remembering that horrid visit, when I'd assumed the worst about her and Kellan, I had to try again to speak, when nothing came out the first time. "No," I finally whispered. "I never hated you. I hated him." She looked at me funny, and I continued on with my explanation. "He led me to believe that the two of you slept together."

Her eyes widened then looked a little fiery. "He what?" Her tone relaxed along with her face. "Wait...is that why you avoided talking to me for so long? God, I thought I'd offended you, by grabbing Denny's butt at the airport."

I giggled at her and felt relieved that I could still laugh about certain things. "No, that was funny." I sighed as I watched her perfectly emerald eyes stare back at me. "Don't be mad at Kellan. He was hurt and angry, and wanting to torture me. You were just the easiest way. I didn't know you slept with Griffin until much later." I pulled back and narrowed my eyes at her. "Griffin...really?"

She bit her lip and squealed a little. "God, do I finally get to tell you that story. You know I've been dying, right?" I blushed three shades of red, as she proceeded to tell me everything...and god, I mean everything that they had done that night. My stomach hurt a little bit at the end, but I managed a weak smile. She sighed and cuddled into me. After a moment, she said, "You know I'd never have even touched Kellan, if you'd have told me what was going on...right?"

I sighed and hugged her back. "I know...you understand why I couldn't say anything?"

She shook her head. "No...well, maybe." She kissed my head. "I love you, Kiera."

She cuddled with me until my lunch came, and then she perked up and started going on about wanting to find a job and an apartment for us, something cute with a view of the water. I sighed as I started in on my bland Jell-O. Of anyone in Seattle, my sister would be able to get both a job and an apartment by sundown. She kissed my head and told me she'd be back when she had good news. Truly, I expected her back any time.

I slept more after lunch and woke when the nurse checked on me, then fell back asleep. I wasn't sure if sleepiness was a side effect of the accident, the meds they had me on, or the overwhelming fact that I didn't want to deal with my life right now.

But life wasn't quite leaving me alone. Denny came back in that evening, and he smiled briefly when he saw I looked a little better, well, more aware anyway.

"Hey." He leaned down, like he was going to kiss my lips, and then he seemed to remember why he shouldn't and kissed my forehead instead. Habits...they can be so hard to break.

He sat at a chair next to the bed, and not beside me this time. I got the feeling he was distancing himself, preparing himself for the final break that we both knew was coming. His eyes lingered on the bruise on my face, while we spoke of semi-important things - he put in his notice at the job he hated, his parents were thrilled that he was coming home, sad that I wasn't coming with him, and he was leaving his car for me, since he couldn't afford to ship it.


That last piece of information startled me, and he looked over my quickly tearing up face. "I know you'll take good care of it, Kiera." His accent was warm and soft, and for a moment, just a moment, I missed him while he was still sitting there.

I wanted to speak of the important things - the accident, the guilt I knew he felt whenever he looked at me, the guilt I felt whenever I looked at him, the love I still felt between us, even if it was a different kind of love now, the affair...

I didn't though. I was too tired, too weak, and I just couldn't handle another heartbreaking conversation while hooked up to that damn beeping monitor, that was slowly driving me to madness. Instead, we left things only on the semi-important topics. I told him about Anna dropping everything to move out here with me and that right now, she was job and apartment hunting. He seemed to agree with me that she'd find something in no time.

His eyebrows lifted when I talked about moving in with Anna, and I could tell he wanted to ask about Kellan. Whatever they had discussed between themselves, Kellan must not have told him, or known himself at the time, that he'd be asking me to leave. That he'd be breaking up with me too. Denny didn't ask though. Maybe he was too afraid of my answer. Maybe he'd be too tempted to stay, if I told him Kellan and I really weren't anything anymore. Then again, maybe he just didn't care enough to make himself ask.

Denny stayed with me until Anna came back later in the evening. She gave him a reserved hug, which confused me at first; Anna was usually more exorbitant in her affections. But when she glanced at my face, I understood. He'd hurt me and that lowered him quite a few pegs in her eyes. I should talk with her about that, since technically he hadn't been trying to hurt me, and he really couldn't be blamed for my stupid actions. Like she said, I was the idiot.

Turning to me, she practically glowed when she spoke of our new apartment and her new job...at Hooters. I sighed and listened to her go over the steal she got on the place because the old guy wouldn't stop staring at her rack, and she promised him a free plate of hot wings whenever he popped into the restaurant. That pretty much sealed the deal for him. Again, what my sister could get men to do for her.

Denny quietly said goodbye to us both and kissed my forehead again before leaving, his eyes never straying from the injured side of my face. As he was at the doorway and I felt that familiar squeeze in my heart, I heard my sister say "wait" and she stepped outside with him. I didn't know what they talked about, but they were out there a good twenty minutes. When she came back, my sister only smiled when I asked. Curious, but tired, I let it go. Maybe they had worked out their differences and she'd be nicer to him. My injuries really weren't his fault.

My sister stayed for hours longer and then looking antsy, I told her it was okay if she wanted to go...socialize. She grinned devilishly and told me she'd be back tomorrow afternoon. I was pretty sure a visit with Griffin was in her future. I'm glad he appealed to her in some odd way, but I really didn't get it. And now I had a horridly descriptive visual to go with the image in my head.

She did come back the next afternoon, and told me all about their impossibly long night. If I had to give Griffin anything, it was that he had...stamina. After awhile, other friends came in to visit. Matt and Evan stopped in and each gave me brief hugs. They seemed a little uncomfortable, but wanted to be supportive with an appearance. Evan looked particularly guilty, like he felt he should have been there, or told Denny earlier, or something. As he was leaving, I assured him that he did nothing wrong. He did what Kellan and I asked, and we didn't hold him responsible for anything. He nodded and a big grin lit his happy, teddy bear face as he scooped me into as much of a bear hug as he could, whispering that he was glad I was alright.

Jenny and Kate came in together before their shifts and Jenny's eyes tore up as she looked over my still bruised face. She hugged me tight and repeated over and over that she was so glad I was okay, that everyone at work was glad I was okay, and everybody was anxiously waiting for me to return to the bar.

I pulled away from her hug and watched another tear drop down her cheek. "Jenny...I can't go back to Pete's."

Her blue eyes widened at that. "But...why not, Kiera?"

My eyes moistened now. "I can't... I can't be around...him."

The room got really quiet, as everyone in there understood who I meant. Kate and Jenny shared a look between themselves, and I wondered if Kellan was still here and if Kate and Jenny had run into him downstairs like my sister had. By the look in Kate's eyes and the frown on Jenny's face, I figured they had.

Jenny's lack of any further argument only confirmed that suspicion for me. "Where will you go?"

I shook my head as tears finally spilled down my own cheeks. "I don't know. Do you know anyone who needs a semi-good waitress?"

She smiled sadly and hugged me. "You're better than semi-good. I'll ask around. It won't be the same without you, Kiera...it just won't."

Feeling unworthy of her praise, I could only nod and hug her back. She pulled back to look at me and wiping her tears said, "Well, it's not like we're not going to be friends anymore, just because we don't work together, right?"

I nodded and wiped away my own tears. "Absolutely."

Griffin came in a bit after Jenny and Kate left, which surprised me a little bit. Of course, I think he was there more to pick up Anna than anything else. He did give me a hug...and copped a feel, but I actually appreciated the sentiment, if not the delivery. Smacking his ass, my sister mock scolded him for the feel-up. He feigned innocence and pulled her into a stomach-churning French kiss. Playfully holding each other, they said their goodbyes and went off to, as Griffin put it, "christen the new apartment". I prayed they stayed out of whatever room was being allocated to me.

After they left, my doctor gave me a look-over and feeling satisfied with my condition, had the nurses turn off that damn machine and unplug me from the IV. As I ate a lifeless dinner, I wished I felt as put back together as the doctor had tried to convince me I was. After my meal, once Susie checked on me again and then left me alone, the silence of the room pressed in heavily.

The space was fully lit, but the darkness of the winter night outside seemed to seep in through the wide window, almost as if that blackness was stealing my warmth and my light. I stared at those cheer-stealing windows for what had to be hours, watching the darkness thicken and deepen. I shivered and pulled the covers tighter around me. I felt very cold and alone. Guilt and remorse pressed around me, squeezing to a point at the soft spot in my head. Just as I was wondering how I'd make it through like this, a soft accent spoke to me from the doorway.

"Hey. How are you?"

I peeled my eyes from the window and brushed a tear that I hadn't realized had fallen, off my cheek. I looked over at Denny leaning against my doorframe. His arms were crossed over his chest and his foot propped up, like he'd been watching me awhile. He smiled softly at me, a smaller version of his goofy grin that usually lit my heart. Today...today though, it made the tears flow harder.

He instantly made a move towards me and then stopped halfway to my bed, a torn look on his face. He looked back to the door and through my tears I saw a hazy figure step back from the opening. I couldn't make out the body through my watery vision but I knew who it was. I knew Kellan had come back up here and was making himself stay away from me. Like before, we were back to a no-touching policy. Only now it was worse, now we had a no-visual policy too.


A sob broke free from me and that seemed to firm up Denny's mind. He crossed the few feet to my bed and sat beside me, picking up my hand and holding it in his. It was a simple touch, and far more friend-like than I was used to getting from him when I was upset, but I knew that was all he'd allow himself to give me and I squeezed his hand, taking what comfort from him that I could.

"Don't cry, Kiera...it's okay."

I sniffled and worked to calm down, hating the fact that this beautiful man beside me was comforting me...even though he was the one I'd broken. It seemed unfair. He should yell and be angry, call me a whore and storm out, never to look on me again. But...that wasn't Denny. He was warm and caring and kind, almost to a fault. And by the way his eyes never strayed far from my injury, I knew that a large part of his continual presence here was due to the fact that he felt such enormous guilt for hurting me.

I swallowed back the tears as we silently watched each other. Warmth from his hand in mine calmed me and I eventually was looking at him without sobbing. He smiled again, once my tears dried up.

"I saw your new place," he said quietly. "I think you'll like it. Your sister has good taste."

I cocked my head at that. "You saw it?" He nodded and I held his hand tighter. "What did you and Anna talk about yesterday?"

He looked down and shook his head. "She's a little angry with me," he looked up, "for hurting you." His eyes looked haunted for a moment, and drifted to my injury before he continued. "She cussed me out good." He raised his eyebrow at me. "She's got quite a mouth on her sometimes." I smiled at that and he smiled back in a genuine way that made his eyes come alive more than I'd seen in awhile.

"Anyway, once she was satisfied, she asked for my help in moving your stuff. I needed to move mine too, so," he shrugged, "I told her I'd help. We got all of it done tonight, and Anna got some furniture from Griffin, Kate, Jenny...well, anybody who had anything really." He almost timidly ran a hand out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. "You're all set to go."

I tried to see the good in that as I tried to smile, but all I felt was an ache at being removed from a home that, until things got messy, had been nothing but a joy to me. Denny seemed to understand my melancholy and gently stroked my cheek once, before removing his hand and placing it back in his lap.

"What about you? Where are you staying, while you're...here?" I asked, my voice shaking a bit at the end.

"I've been staying with Sam. He's been really kind to me. I've been crashing on his couch for a few days now." He ran a hand through his hair and grinned at me crookedly. "I couldn't stay there with Kellan. My patience with him only goes so far."

"Why are you guys...?" I let my question trail off, not wanting to incite his anger about the affair. Not that it probably wasn't always there, just under the surface.

He didn't let it drop though. "Why are we what? Not killing each other? Not screaming, yelling, carrying on? Why are we civil?"

I shrugged and cringed. He looked at me a moment and I thought I saw that anger in his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. When he spoke again, his voice was controlled but his accent was thick. "I could have killed you that night...and I don't even want to think about that nightmare. But...even with what I did do, things should be so much worse for me than they are. And Kellan is the reason they're not."

I cocked my head, completely confused at that. "I don't..."

He sighed and his face softened. "You know, I never thought much about moving in with him. About how appealing women thought he was. Even back at school, he could just look at a girl and she'd..." He sighed again, while I felt my face heat a bit. "I never even considered how tempting he might be...to you. I just never thought that would matter, because what we had was so..." He closed his eyes as tears instantly filled mine again. At that moment, I completely hated myself for what I'd done to him. I started to reach my free hand out to touch his cheek, but stopped, and let it fall back to my lap when he opened his eyes. Calmly, he kept my gaze. "Once I figured it out...I knew I'd never be able to compete with him."

I blinked at what he said and furrowed my brow. Compete with Kellan? He never had to. I'd always wanted him. Well, maybe a part of me didn't? He noticed my confused look. "When I started piecing things together - looks I'd seen, touches I'd ignored, how distant you'd become, how forlorn you were when he wasn't around - I knew I'd lose you, if I hadn't already. I knew I didn't stand a chance against..." he rolled his eyes and shook his head a little, looking down at the sheets on my bed, "...quite possibly, the most attractive man in the Pacific Northwest."

"Denny...I..."

He cut me off. "I was so angry at him for that." He looked up at me and then back down at his hands, still holding one of mine. "Like I knew you wouldn't be able to resist his charm, so it was up to him...and he failed." I started to look down, right as his eyes looked up, and we met in the middle. "I think that's why I asked him to stay away from you at the airport. I didn't think you'd stray, not really...I trusted you, but only if he kept his distance." He shrugged. "He gets every girl he goes after, and I knew he'd get you, if he really tried, and I just couldn't compete with that."

"It wasn't like that, Denny." I wanted to argue against it more, but there just wasn't much to say. I couldn't exactly tell Denny that I'd started nearly everything that had happened with Kellan and me. That Kellan hadn't deserved his rage, because I'd initiated the contact with him...and he'd already been in love. Whatever good intentions I'd started out with when Denny had left, somewhere along the line, I had strayed, even before the actual...straying.

And even worse, I'd fallen in love too. I'm not even sure when I fell for him anymore. It may have been that first awkward meeting in the hallway, it may have been the first time I cried in his arms, it may have been him telling me I was beautiful, or it may have even been the first time I heard him sing, that deeply moving song that still touched me. All I knew for sure was that I did. I fell madly in love, and that ache added to my current one, as I watched Denny's eyes gloss over with un-concealable pain.

"When I saw the two of you in the parking lot...actually saw the passion between you...I hated him so much. I hated what he took from me. I wanted to end him, for treating you like one of his groupies." He shook his head and cut me off when I tried to object. "It never occurred to me that he was in love. It never occurred to me that you were in love. It never occurred to me to blame you at all. I had you on this pedestal..."

I nodded and looked down, the tears stinging my eyes, threatening to spill. I wasn't worthy of being on a pedestal, and from the look I'd seen in his eye when he said that...I thought maybe he now agreed. Quietly, and feeling very foolish, I confirmed that he should view me differently. "We were. We were in love...and we both never wanted to hurt you."

He sighed and lowered his head. "I know. I think I know that now." He rubbed his fingers down the side of my hand, tracing patterns in the skin subconsciously while he thought. Finally, he spoke again. "The fight...it was like..." He looked back up at me. "It felt like I was outside of myself, watching a really horrid movie that I couldn't shut off. I don't even really remember all of what I said or did. It was like I walked away from my body for a second."


I nodded and looked away, hating what I'd driven him to. At the sound of his strained accent, I turned back to look at him. "All I felt was hate. All I could see was red." His eyes searched mine as he spoke, occasionally drifting to the injury he never let himself forget about. "I couldn't control anything my body was doing. I just wanted to hurt him." He sighed again and looked at the ceiling. "I think I may have gone insane."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I could have lost everything...everything." He reopened his eyes and I frowned at the sorrow on his face. "Kellan is the reason I'm not in cuffs for assault right now."

My mouth dropped open and my brow scrunched together so hard, it hurt my head. His dark eyes looked over my confused face. "I beat the shit out of him, Kiera. I knocked you unconscious. I could have kill... I could have seriously hurt you, both of you. People go to jail for that kind of stuff. But I'm not. I'm leaving the Country soon, and the only reason I can do that...is because Kellan covered for me."

I shook my head. "I don't understand."

He smiled softly and his face relaxed. "I know." His fingers in my hand started stroking my skin, and I relaxed as his anger seemed to fade. "When you went down, once we knew you were still breathing, still alive," he shrugged, "he made me leave."

"Leave?"

Denny nodded and smiled ruefully. "I didn't want to. I wanted to help you. I wanted to do something, anything. He yelled some...not pleasant things at me, and told me that I'd be hauled off if I didn't leave." Denny's eyes drifted to the dark windows and they seemed to darken in kind, like he was absorbing that blackness into himself. "You were so pale...so tiny...barely breathing. He held you so tight, and I wanted to be the one..." He exhaled and closed his eyes.

"He convinced me that I had to leave and call for help, and then when the paramedics got there, he would tell them the both of you were mugged. That they beat him up and when you went to help him, they attacked you." He sighed and brought his eyes back to my surely wide-open ones. "He even gave me his wallet, to make it look more real." He shook his head and looked back to the windows. "Everyone bought it. I showed up later at the hospital, and no one even questioned me."

He looked back to me and his eyes held immense grief and guilt. "It's like I got away with it...with hurting you and him...because of him." He looked down and a tear dropped to my sheet. I automatically brushed his cheek dry and he looked back up to me. "It kind of kills me."

I shook my head. "No...don't feel that way. He was right. You've been punished enough for our mistakes. You shouldn't lose everything because we drove you to...to..." My tears welled up again and I couldn't contain it, or the need to embrace him. I threw my arms around him and he stiffened, but finally relaxed and hugged me back. "I'm so sorry, Denny."

He exhaled brokenly and rubbed my back. "I know, Kiera" He clutched me to him tightly, and I felt his body start to shake. "I'm sorry too. I'm so sorry."

He let me hold him for most of that night, in fact nearly all of it. Somewhere, in-between our repeated mutual apologies, we fell asleep holding each other, and by morning I felt certain that while we would never be what we once were to each other, we would always be connected in some way. And I found immense comfort in that.