Thoughtless

Chapter 21

I Love You

He held me in his arms in his chilly car, our breath making small clouds of steam but neither of us willing to leave the safety and solitude of that vehicle, and eventually the first morning rays did poke through the sky. There was a fog in the air that hovered just above the pavement, making the entire world seem ethereal and dreamlike. I wanted this moment to be a dream, one I would never have to wake up from, but those golden morning rays brought more than just light to my world, they brought reality as well.

"You should go inside," he whispered, hugging me tight.

I pulled back and looked at him. "What about you? Aren't you coming?" I tried to keep the panic from my voice when I said that.

He looked at me calmly. "There's something I need to do first."

"What?"

He smiled, but didn't answer my question. "Go on...it will be okay." He kissed me softly on the lips, and then leaned way over me to unlatch the door. As I got out, he whispered, "I love you," then he slid over to my side and tilted his head up, wanting me to kiss him again.

I nodded and bent down to softly press my lips to his, unable to speak through the lump in my throat. Then he slid back over, started the car and pulled away, while I brushed a couple of tears off of my cheeks.


Denny was sound asleep when I came into our room. Guilt flooded through me as I grabbed a change of clothes and quietly went to the bathroom to freshen up. I glanced at Kellan's door as I finished, and had an odd desire to lie on his bed. I didn't. That would be a little unexplainable, if Denny woke up and found me there. I made my way downstairs to make some coffee, and sat at the table processing everything that had happened in the past several hours. What a difference one day can make. I sipped my coffee and stared at the empty chair that Kellan usually sat at. Where was he? Why wouldn't he want to spend today with me?

Denny kissed me tenderly goodbye when he came down awhile later, all ready for his normal day of work. Guilt washed through me again as his lips brushed mine. I had an odd feeling of betrayal flash through me, and not betrayal for being with Kellan, no betrayal for being with Denny. I'd felt guilty before, but nothing quite as strong as pure betrayal. It took me by surprise, but I firmly pushed it back. I couldn't think about that yet. For right now, Denny was my boyfriend, but, I suppose...Kellan was too.

What do I do? This decision suddenly overwhelmed my now simple seeming question of where to spend winter break. Can't I just go back to worrying about that instead?

I lied down on the couch to ponder it...and didn't wake up until it was time to catch the bus for work. Oops, so much for school today. I needed to be more careful, or I was going to lose my precious scholarship. Luckily, I was still very good at schoolwork, even if I was slacking off on attendance.

Jenny pulled me aside as I came into Pete's awhile later. "So, you and Kellan...?"

I smiled and wiped away a sudden tear. He hadn't come home in time to give me a ride to work, and I already missed him. "He's in love with me, Jenny...deeply in love." To the bottom of his soul deep. To the, 'I've never felt this for anyone' deep. It was overwhelming to think about.

She hugged me. "I'm glad he told you...you should know the truth. You should make an informed decision."

I pulled back and stared at her, terrified. "What do I do? I love Denny. I can't bear hurting him. I can't bear hurting Kellan either. I don't know what to do?"

She sighed and patted my arm. "I can't tell you that, Kiera. You have to figure it out on your own." She looked over at some customers just sitting down in her section and made a step towards them before stopping and looking back at me. "You do have to choose though." She smiled reassuringly and patted my back as she walked away.

Kellan didn't come in that night. He didn't come home that night. That was when worry settled in on me. When that cycle repeated the next night , that was when panic settled in on me. When the cycle repeated yet again the next night , that was when despair settled in on me.

Four achingly long days went by without a trace of him...

Every morning, I came downstairs, expecting to find Kellan sitting at the table, looking flawless and drinking his coffee, greeting me with a sexy half-smile and a 'Mornin'. But every morning, he wasn't there, and tears filled my eyes at his absence. Before school, I would grab his band's t-shirt (that I still never wore) and held it tight to me, breathing in his scent, wondering where he was and what he was doing. Every night that I worked, I waited impatiently for the band to stroll in, and every night, Matt and Griffin would walk in, disagreeing about something, but never with Kellan. At night, I would get up after Denny fell asleep and lie on his empty bed, clutching his pillow.

Panic flared in me. Did he leave? Was that his solution? To just skip town and run away without me? I couldn't even ask the band where he was. I couldn't form the words around them, and they never talked about him...not once. I felt empty without him.

Every day, I sank more and more into a melancholy depression. I was cooler to Denny. He tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work. He tried to get me to talk to him, but that didn't work either. He tried to kiss me, and I'd turn away after a brief obligatory peck. Eventually my mood seeped into him, and he stopped trying to please me. There was no point at trying to anyway. Nothing was going to please me. Denny never directly asked the reason for my mood though...not once. It was almost like he was afraid to ask, which was good, because I was afraid of him asking.

It was a dreary Friday morning when I glumly kissed Denny goodbye for work. My kiss was automatic and had no feeling behind it. He looked at me sadly and swallowed. I tensed, waiting for the questioning words that would slice me open.

"Kiera...I...I love you." He ran a finger down my cheek tenderly, and I could see his eyes glisten. I knew he felt our distance, I felt it too.

"I love you too, Denny," I whispered, begging my eyes to not well up. He leaned in and kissed me tenderly, running his fingers back through my hair.

I brought my hands along his jaw, trying to ignore my disappointment that his had a light hairline, and wasn't smooth like Kellan's. I ran my hands through his hair, trying to not care that his was shorter, and I couldn't curl it around my fingers like Kellan's. I intensified our kiss, willing my breath to quicken, willing for his lips, so different from Kellan's, to thrill me, willing our old passion to spark. It didn't.

He pulled away after a moment, his breath as slow and relaxed as mine. "I have to go...I'm sorry." His sad eyes watched me for a second, and then he turned and left. I couldn't hold back the few tears that spilt down my cheeks. Was it too late for us?

Kellan had been gone for so long, my need for him was so great, my grief so strong, that it felt like a hole had been punched straight through my stomach. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was choking the life out of Denny's and my relationship. I just didn't know how to stop it. He had just left...disappeared. I'd had no time to prepare, no final goodbye...no closure. It was killing me.

I sullenly made my way upstairs to the bathroom, to get ready for school. My world may be ending, but life drudgingly continued. I dressed. I brushed my hair. I put on makeup. I did all the things expected of me to look normal for a normal day of school...and I hated every second of it. I wanted to curl up on my bed and sob for hours. Sob over missing Kellan. Sob over what Denny and I had become. I exhaled loudly and swallowed back the threatening tears.

Yes, he was gone...deal with it, I berated myself. He was right to leave. Eventually things will get easier. Maybe Denny will never ask...if Kellan never comes back.

I opened the door slowly with that painful thought in my head, and then stopped breathing. Kellan was just climbing up the top step, his eyes on the floor. He looked up when he heard the door and slowly smiled a heart stopping half-grin. He was spectacular. Nearly a week without seeing him had softened my memory of just how attractive he was. His hair, wavy and wild, was just begging for my fingers to run through it. The enticing way his long-sleeved t-shirt clung to his body, was just asking for my fingers to trace every amazing line. His smooth, strong jaw, was an open invitation for my lips, and his full lips, curled in a smile, were still keeping my breath at bay. But most amazing of all - his impossibly deep blue eyes, glowing with love and adoration...for me.

"Mornin'," he said softly, in his typical greeting.

I ran over to him as he started walking towards me, and threw my arms around him. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and let the tears I had been holding back flow. "I thought you left." I managed between sobs, while he pulled me tight against him. "I thought I'd never see you again."

He rubbed my back while I cried. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I didn't mean to hurt you. I needed...to take care of something," he whispered comfortingly.


Pulling back, I smacked him in the chest. "Don't ever do that again!" He smiled and put a hand on my cheek. "Don't leave me like that..." I let the thought trail off as I gazed at his suddenly pained eyes.

"I wouldn't, Kiera. I wouldn't just...disappear," he said softly, stroking my cheek.

Without thinking of the consequences, I blurted out what I had been holding back for so long. "I love you." His eyes watered instantly. He closed them, and twin tears ran down his cheeks. I brushed them away with my fingertips. He probably had never heard anyone say that...and truly mean it. And I did. With every part of my soul, I meant it. "I love you...so much."

He opened his eyes, more tears falling. "Thank you. You don't know how much I've wanted... How long I've waited..."

He couldn't finish his thought, as I leaned in and kissed him warmly, tenderly. He immediately returned my soft kiss, bringing his other hand up to cup my other cheek. Still tenderly kissing, I pulled him gently by his neck into his bedroom. Our lips barely pausing, we undressed each other silently. As I stood naked before him, he pulled back to look at me, his eyes overflowing with warmth and love.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered, running his hand through my hair.

He brought his lips back to my smiling ones, and gently eased me down to his bed. We explored each other's bodies in unhurried and unpressured ways, like we'd never been together before. There were no walls between us, no barriers to hold us back. We both finally knew how the other felt. We both knew that this time, this was about love.

We took our time, our fingers and lips tracing and teasing, and discovering new ways to touch the other. I listened to the sounds he made when I kissed him in the soft spot below his ear, when my fingers moved over the scar along his ribs. The delightful groan he made when my tongue trailed along the deep V of his abdomen. He studied the noises I made as he kissed my collar bone, as he gently tugged at a nipple with his teeth. My cries as he ran his tongue over my sensitive flesh, tasting what he was about to be taking.

When we could both endure no more, he moved over me and slowly adjusted my thigh up his hip. His gaze lingered along my skin, following the lines and curves, followed shortly after by his hand. When his eyes met mine again, they were filled with such love and passion, that I had to painfully bite my lip. Not out of desire, although I surely felt that too, but to assure myself that this moment was no vivid dream. That this perfection before me was real...and mine.

Never taking his glorious eyes from mine, he, almost painfully slow, slid into me. We both closed our eyes, overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotion and sensation at finally being together again. I reopened my eyes first and lightly grabbed his cheek.

"I love you," I whispered.

He opened his eyes to gaze at me again. "I love you, so much," he whispered back.

And then we did something that we had never done before, something that maybe Kellan had never done before - we made love. It wasn't a drunken rollick. It wasn't burning passion and hot, fiery need. It was so much more. He clenched my hand the entire time, as we experienced something wondrous and intense together. He whispered how much he loved me, when he could speak through the emotion of it. I whispered it to him, whenever I could. There was no doubt, there was no fear, and there was no guilt. Our hips rocked together and apart in perfect unison, speeding and slowing at the same precise moment, like we were one person, and not two. And even though I could tell he was ready before me, he held off his climax, until we could come together. When we did, it was glorious and intense and perfect. He cried out my name and I found myself responding with his.

Afterwards, he pulled me to his chest, his whole body lightly shaking. I listened to his heartbeat gently slow in rhythm with mine, as a few tears rolled down my cheek. Not tears of guilt this time, but tears of joy, for the immense love I felt for him, mixed with tears of sorrow that our time together wouldn't last, that we had only a few more precious moments together. He knew it too. Looking up at his face, I saw the exact same look of joy and sorrow reflected in his glistening eyes.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," I said right back, kissing him softly.

He closed his eyes and a tear escaped, trickling down his cheek. I wiped it away. "What are you thinking about?" I asked timidly.

"Nothing," he replied, keeping his eyes closed.

I lifted my head higher to look at him more closely. He opened his eyes and gazed back at me. "I'm trying to not think about anything," he said softly. "It hurts too much when I think..."

I bit my lip and nodded, very sorry that I had even asked. "I love you," I said again.

He nodded sadly. "Just not enough...not enough to leave him?"

I closed my eyes and choked back a sob. I had hoped he wouldn't ask me that... wouldn't ever ask me that. He ran his hand down my hair. "It's okay, Kiera. I shouldn't have said that."

"Kellan, I'm so sorry..." I started to say, but he put a finger on my lips.

"Not today." He smiled warmly and pulled me in for a kiss. "Not today...okay?"

I nodded, then kissed him back. I pulled away after a moment. "Do you think...? If we had never, that first time...would the three of us just be close friends?"

He smiled as he interpreted what I was trying to say. "If you and I had never gotten drunk and had sex, would we all be living happily ever after right now?" I nodded and he thought for a second, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "No...you and I were always more than just friends. " He stroked my cheek lovingly with his thumb. "One way or another, we would have ended up right here anyway."

I nodded and looked down at his chest beneath me. He stroked my arm for awhile, watching me, and then softly asked, "Do you regret it?"

I looked back up at his pained eyes. "I regret being horrible to Denny." He nodded and looked away from me. I gently placed a hand on his cheek and forced him to look at me again. "I don't regret a single second that I spent with you." I smiled wryly at him. "No time spent with you is wasted." He smiled at his line repeated back to him and pulled me in for a kiss that quickly became deeper and deeper.

I didn't go to school that day. I didn't leave his bed that day. I couldn't...there was nowhere else I needed to be.

Kellan said goodbye to me an hour before Denny was to be home from work. My eyes instantly watered, and he cupped both of my cheeks in his hands and kissed my eyelids.

"I'll be at Pete's tonight. I'll see you there, okay?"

I nodded wordlessly and he gave me a final tender kiss before walking out the door. My heart ached as I watched him leave. Our afternoon together had been...beyond words. My heart was more torn than ever. Jenny's words came back to me - 'You do have to choose...you can't keep them both'. I just didn't know how to let either one go.

Denny came home a bit earlier than usual, looking very tired. He came over to where I was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at a show on TV. He sat down beside me and I looked over to his sad, beautiful face. I instantly felt a wave of guilt. It overcame me, and I broke down in sobs.

He put his arms around me. "Come here." He lay down on the couch with me sideways, facing each other, his arms around me, clutching me tight. My head on his chest, my hands clutching his shirt, I sobbed until I could barely breathe. "It's okay, Kiera. Whatever it is, it's okay." His voice was shaky, his accent thick with emotion, and I knew he was close to tears. He choked as he whispered, "Baby...you're my heart." My sobs gained in strength. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn't stop, the tears were relentless.


Eventually they subsided, and I felt the pull of slumber as he held me close and rubbed my back. He pulled away and stared at my half-open, tired eyes. "Kiera...?" Panic and fear flew my eyes wide open. Was this it? Was he finally going to ask me about Kellan? I couldn't speak to answer him.

"Do you...?" He closed his mouth for a second and looked away. Looking pained, he started again. "Do you...want a ride to work? You're going to be late." He looked back at me and I relaxed visibly.

I still couldn't speak, I only nodded.

"Okay." He stood up and held out his hand. "Let's go then."

We were silent on the ride over. Denny didn't ask me about my break down, and I didn't volunteer any information. There was nothing I could share with him anyway. There were so many secrets between us now, it was hard remembering a time when things had been simple and easy, when it had felt like pure puppy love. I suppose all love eventually comes back down to earth.

Denny decided to stay for awhile at the bar. He kept looking over at me, like he was expecting me to lose it again. My reaction earlier had brought out the caretaker in him, and I quickly realized that he was going to watch over me all night...while Kellan was here. I sighed as I went about my duties. I should have swallowed back my grief. I shouldn't have let Denny see that. He didn't need to, and I couldn't explain why I had completely broken down. It was cruel to him, to keep him in the dark. And I had been cruel enough to him while Kellan was away - constantly pushing him back from me, constantly withdrawing into my hard shell of loneliness.

Kellan came in a bit before his band and Denny met him at the door. Kellan smoothly gave him a guy hug, and they seemed to casually chat on their way to the guy's usual table. But I caught a glimpse from Kellan directed at me, when Denny turned his head to check out a loud sound on the other side of the bar. The look of wistful passion in his eyes in that one brief glance almost had me running across the room to throw myself in his arms. I didn't though. I had at least enough will power to not do that.

Once there, they sat next to each other, bent over in what looked to be a serious conversation. My heart sped a little, at what they might be talking about, until Kellan nodded and Denny clapped a hand on his shoulder. Then I understood. Denny was talking to him about my sister. My heart warmed as I thought of that. Kellan hadn't touched my sister. He had been faithful to me. Well, okay, he hadn't exactly been faithful, he had done about half of Seattle while he was "getting over me", but she was the one he had promised me about...and he had kept that promise...and it warmed my heart.

It was a little surprising to watch the two of them converse throughout the night. Not just that Kellan could be so carefree with the man whose girlfriend he had just bedded...repeatedly. No, it was that their friendship didn't seem to suffer one tiny bit after the fight Kellan and I'd had - the slap incident. I was sure Denny had chided him about it, and I was equally sure that Kellan had taken it stoically and completely backed up my story. But neither one seemed to let the incident interfere with their easy friendship. I swallowed, knowing that my choice, the one Jenny was correct in telling me I had to make, most definitely would affect their friendship. I would be the one to break them apart. That thought killed me a little.

The rest of the band finally did show up and Kellan, quite skillfully, kept Griffin away from Denny for the remainder of the evening. The two friends drank their beers, played some pool, and chatted with Matt. Evan seemed a little uncomfortable about the whole thing, and mainly spent the night flirting with a group of nearby fans. Kellan and Denny kept up their night of bonding, until eventually, the guys went on stage to play.

For the remainder of my shift, I endured wistful glances from Kellan and concerned glances from Denny, who apparently still thought I was going to break down again. Did I still look sad? Denny stayed until the final moment of my shift, and dutifully gave me a ride home. Kellan was still there, chatting (a little animatedly) with Jenny, when Denny and I left. I hoped she was being nice to him.

I thought about Kellan's wistful, passionate glances all the way up the stairs. I thought about his warm hands as I got undressed. I thought about his hard body as I put my pajamas on. I thought about his intoxicating smell as I brushed my teeth. I thought about his insanely wonderful hair, and how amazing it felt wrapped in my fingers, as I slipped under the covers with Denny. But what kept me awake, and in a state of anxious longing, was his lips, repeating over and over that he loved me.

I stayed in my room much longer than most women in my position would have, well, that's what I convinced myself of anyway, but eventually, the draw of my addiction was too strong and I slipped out of my bed. Denny didn't move. He was completely sound asleep as I quietly shut our door. I opened Kellan's, and he sat up on his elbows at the sound. Moonlight filtered through his window and I could see his perfect face watching me curiously. No trace of exhaustion was in his liquid blue eyes, he hadn't been able to sleep either.

That thought thrilled me, emboldened me. I slid into his bed and under his covers, and immediately wrapped my legs around his. Lacing my arms around his neck, I threw all of my body weight on his chest, knocking him back down to the pillows.

"Am I dreaming?" he whispered, before my lips lowered to his. He ran his hands up my back and tangled his fingers in my hair. He pulled me into him even tighter, deepening our kiss. "I missed you," he muttered around my lips.

"I missed you too..." I muttered back, "so much."

I kissed him for as long as I could before my breath started to increase too much, and then I pulled away. I stripped off my tank top and he eyed me, running a hand gently down my chest. With a heavy, reluctant sigh, he said, "What are you doing, Kiera?"

I pressed myself against him and kissed his neck softly, in answer. He glanced up at the door. "Kiera, Denny is right-"

"I love you," I interrupted him, "and I missed you. Make love to me." I gazed lovingly at his impossibly glorious face, then pulled off the rest of my clothes.

"Kiera..."

I kissed him again and pressed my naked body against the entire length of his. He groaned softly, and eagerly returned my affections. I ran my hands down the length of his incredible body and started to tug at his boxers.

"I love you...make love to me," I whispered again in his ear.

His breath quicker, passion in his eyes, he glanced back at the door again and then at me. "Are you sur-"

"I'm sure," I interrupted breathlessly, and then kissed him hungrily.

Our kiss was deepening passionately when he abruptly pulled away from my lips. "Wait..." He looked at me wistfully. "I can't."

Surprised, I softly said, "Oh...well, I can..." I timidly ran my hand down inside his shorts. He felt fine to me...more than fine actually.

"Ah," he groaned lightly, "you're killing me, Kiera." He pulled my hand away and laughed once quietly. "That's not what I meant. I can...obviously, but..." he looked at me intently, "I don't think we should."

"But, this afternoon? That was... Didn't you...? I... Don't you want me?" I asked, confused, and a little hurt.

"Of course, of course I do." He eyed me, looked down at himself pointedly, and then looked back to me. "You should know that." I blushed deeply as he continued. "This afternoon was the most... I've never had anything like that. I didn't even know it could be like that, which for me, is saying a lot." He grinned sheepishly and I smiled at him.


"Don't you want that again?" I asked stroking his cheek.

"More than anything," he whispered huskily.

"Then take me..." I kissed him breathlessly.

He groaned softly. "God, Kiera. Why do you make everything so..."

"Hard?" I whispered, then blushed deeply again, as he laughed quietly. "I love you, Kellan. I feel like time is slipping away from us." I searched his eyes. "I don't want to miss a minute."

He sighed softly and I smiled, knowing I had just won. "For the record, this is a really bad idea..." I smiled wider and kissed him as he rolled over on top of me. "You will be the death of me," he muttered, as I finally pulled off his shorts.

Making love to Kellan soundlessly was extremely difficult. It involved a lot of skin clutching - actually, we clutched each other so hard, I was pretty sure we'd both have bruises, and well-timed deep kisses - holding our mouths together to contain the intensity of it. At one point, near the end, Kellan had to clamp his hand over my mouth. The slowness and restraint required in our conscious attempt at quietness, seemed to make everything more intense and the experience lasted longer than I ever would have believed possible. That was fine by me. It could have lasted forever...

Afterwards, we lay facing each other with our bodies pressed close together. Every breath he took pushed against my body, and every breath I took pressed against his. We didn't speak. We simply gazed at each other. He stroked my hair and occasionally kissed me softly. I ran a finger along his cheek, then his jaw, and then his lips, feeling lost in his tranquil blue eyes. We stayed nearly motionless, completely silent, and soul-baringly naked with each other, until Kellan finally sighed.

"You should go back to your room," he whispered.

"No." I didn't want to move away from his warmth.

"It's nearly morning, Kiera."

I glanced over at the clock and startled when I realized he was right, it was nearly dawn. I stubbornly clutched him tighter.

He kissed me softly. "Wait in bed an hour, then come downstairs and have coffee with me, like we always use to." He kissed me again, then gently pushed me away from him. I pouted as he started handing me my clothes. I refused to move and shaking his head at me, he began dressing me. When he finished, he made me sit up, then stand up. "Kiera..." He stroked my cheek. "You have to go...before it's too late. We got lucky...don't push it."

He kissed my nose, and I resignedly sighed, ignoring his double entendre. "Okay, fine. I'll see you in an hour then." I couldn't stop myself from one last lingering gaze down his naked body, then sighing again, I left his room.

I crept back to my room stealthily and closed the door behind me. Denny didn't move, he was still deeply asleep, rolled on his side away from me, in his typical slumber. I watched him sleep in oblivious peacefulness for a moment, before I crawled into bed with him. I turned on my side to face him and gazed at his t-shirt rising and falling with his even breath. I didn't feel like crying like I had this evening. Guilt still washed through me, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. This was getting easier...I hated that it was. I lightly ran my fingers through the shorter hair near his neck, and he sighed contently. I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and slipped my arms around him, snuggling firmly into his back. He stirred and interlocked our fingers, then fell back asleep. I kissed the back of his neck and rested my head against his shoulder. And then the tears did come.

This was easier...but it wasn't easy.