Thoughtless

Chapter 17

Like It Should Be

The next morning, Kellan came into the kitchen after me. He was wearing the same clothes, and his hair was styled back from how it had dried overnight. His eyes were dreadfully tired and still a little red; he had cried an awful lot last night. I looked over at him uncertainly. He stopped in the doorway and paused, looking at me equally uncertain. Finally, he sighed and came up to the coffee pot where I was standing, waiting for it to finish brewing.

He held his hands up in front of him. "Truce?"

I nodded slowly. "Truce."

He leaned back against the counter, putting his hands behind him. "Thank you...for staying with me last night," he whispered, staring at the floor.

"Kellan-"

He interrupted me. "I shouldn't have said what I did, that's not who you are. I'm sorry if I scared you. I was so angry, but, I wouldn't ever hurt you, Kiera...not intentionally." He met my gaze, his voice was calm, but his eyes looked worried. "I was way out of line. I never should have put you in that position. You're not... You are in no way a..." he looked away, embarrassed, "...a whore," he finished softly.

"Kellan-"

He interrupted me again. "I never would have..." He sighed and in a barely audible whisper, he said, "I wouldn't ever force you, Kiera. That's not... I'm not..." He froze and stopped talking, looking at the ground again.

"I know you wouldn't." I suddenly didn't know what else to say. I was equally responsible, and I felt horrible for my part in what had happened. "I'm sorry. You were right. I...I led you on." I lightly grabbed his cheek and forced him to look at me fully. His gorgeous face was horribly sad and equally remorseful. "I'm sorry for all of it, Kellan." His pained eyes broke my heart.

He looked at me oddly. "No...I was just mad. I was wrong. You didn't do anything. You don't need to apologize for-"

I cut him off. "Yes, I do." I lowered my already low voice. "We both know I did just as much as you. I went just as far as you did."

He frowned slightly. "You clearly told me no...repeatedly. I didn't listen... repeatedly." He sighed again and pulled my hand away from his cheek. "I was horrible. I went too far, much too far." He ran a hand down his face. "I'm...I'm so sorry."

"Kellan...no, I wasn't being clear. I sent mixed signals." My words may have been telling him no, but my body certainly had been telling him something else. How can he feel responsible for that?

His voice heated. "No, is clear, Kiera. Stop, is pretty damn clear."

"You're not a monster, Kellan. You never would have-"

He cut me off again. "I'm no angel either, Kiera...remember? And you have no idea what I'm capable of," he finished quietly, eyeing me warily.

I didn't know what he meant by that, but I refused to believe that he would ever, that he could ever...force me. "We both messed up, Kellan," I said, softly reaching out for his cheek again. "But you would never force yourself on me."

He watched me with a torn look on his face, and then he pulled me to his chest in a tight embrace. I threw my arms around his neck and for just a moment, let myself believe that it was months ago, and we were just two friends giving one another a moment's comfort. But...we weren't. Our friendship had enflamed into passion, and once ignited, that burn was impossible to turn back down.

"You were right. We have to end this, Kiera."

He took a hand and brushed aside a tear on one side, then the other; I hadn't even realized I was crying. Then he cupped my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb. It was such a tender gesture that my heart sped, but I knew he was right. I had known it awhile ago. "I know."

I closed my eyes and more tears dropped to my cheeks. His lips brushed mine softly. I half-sobbed and pulled him harder against me. He kissed me back, but not in the way I expected. It was so different, soft and tender, in a way our kiss had never been before. It terrified and thrilled me. His thumb continued to stroke my cheek softly.

He kissed me tenderly for a minute more, then sighing, he pulled away. He moved his hand from my cheek and ran his fingers through my hair and down my back. "You were right, you made your choice." He pulled me close to him, almost touching my lips. "I still want you," he growled intensely, then his voice softened, and he pulled away again. "But not while you're his. Not like this, not like last night." He said it wistfully, his eyes looking even more tired.

"This," he ran a finger down my lips lightly, as more tears fell on my cheeks, "...is over." He exhaled heavily, his own eyes glistening. "I don't seem to be very good at leaving you alone." He dropped his hand from my lips and swallowed. "I won't let last night happen again. I won't touch you again. This time...I promise." His tone rang with finality.

Then, smiling sadly, he turned to leave. He stopped and paused at the doorway, turning to face me again. "You and Denny are good together. You should stay with him." He looked down and tapped the doorway with his hand a couple times, and then nodding his head, he looked back up at my face, a tear dropping to his cheek. "I'll make this right. It will be like it should be."

Then he turned and left. I watched him leave, confused, tears dripping from my eyes. Once I couldn't hear him anymore, I sighed and put my head in my hands. Isn't this exactly what I wanted? Why do I feel so sad then, like I had suddenly just lost everything?

*******************

Kellan stayed true to his word, he never again made any inappropriate moves towards me. In fact, he tried to never touch me. He stayed as far from me in a room as possible, without being obvious about it. He would make sure we never brushed against each other, and he would even apologize whenever we accidentally did touch each other. He still watched my every move though. I could seemingly always feel his intense eyes on me. In some ways, I would have preferred his touch to the intensity of those stares.

I tried to focus on school, but my heart was only half in it. The lectures, while still interesting and thought provoking, weren't as captivating as they once were, and my mind drifted on more than one occasion. I tried to focus more on Denny. He had perked up some since our evening at the club, which made me feel horribly guilty, but he was still miserably trudging through his work day. I listened as he went on and on about Max and the meaningless tasks he had him doing, but in all honesty, I wasn't really hearing a word of it. My mind continually drifted. I tried to focus on Jenny and Kate, on being closer friends with them. We sometimes all met for coffee before work, and they would chat about the guys they were seeing. Not really having a whole lot to add to that conversation, I would listen half-heartedly, and my mind would drift...to Kellan.

I even tried to focus on my family, on calling them more often. My mom picked up on my mood, and immediately wanted me to come home and see her. My dad blamed Denny for breaking my heart when he left, which I assured him he didn't. If anything, I broke his, when I dumped him for ditching me, even though that had never his intention. And my sister...well, I couldn't even talk to her yet. I wasn't mad at her or anything. I'd even grudgingly forgiven Kellan in my head. Well, maybe not forgiven him, but I had forced the memory to the very back corner of my mind. But I couldn't speak to Anna yet. I couldn't even bear to hear his name pass her lips. Not yet...or ever.


As the days went by, I found myself missing Kellan - missing his touch, missing our quiet conversations, as we cuddled in the kitchen over coffee, missing his laugh, as he would relay a funny story while driving me all over town. I began to wonder if we should try again. Maybe this time, we could find a way to make it work...

"Kellan," I said softly, as he walked by me one morning when I came down for coffee. "Please don't leave. We should be able to be alone together."

He paused and looked back at me, his blue eyes sad. "It's better if we're not, Kiera. It's safer."

I frowned. "Safer? You say that like we're time bombs or something."

He half-smiled and raised his eyebrows. "Aren't we?" His smile dropped and he suddenly looked exhausted. "Look what happened. I'll never forgive myself for talking to you like that."

I blushed at the horrible memory and looked down. "Don't...you were right. Horribly rude, but right." I peeked up at him under my eyebrows.

He cringed and took a step towards me. "Kiera, you're not-"

I cut him off, not wanting to start that horrid conversation again. "Can't we have just some of our friendship back? Can't we talk?" I made a move towards him, until we were only a step apart. "Can't we ever touch?"

He immediately took two steps back and swallowed, shaking his head. "No, Kiera. You were right. We can't go back to that. It was stupid to even try."

I felt tears stinging. I missed how it used to be, so much. "But, I want to. I want to touch you, just hold you...no more." I was in withdrawals from my addiction. I wanted his warm arms to slip around me. I wanted to put my head on his shoulder. It was all I wanted.

His tired eyes closed and he took a deep breath before opening them. "You shouldn't. You should only hold Denny. He's a good guy for you...I'm not."

"You're a good guy too." I couldn't stop the thought of him sobbing in my arms. I'd never seen someone more remorseful.

"I'm really not," he whispered, as he walked out of the room.

Kellan's words echoed through my head as I sat with Denny while he got ready for work. He cheerily gave me a kiss as he slipped on his shirt. I wanted to cringe away from him, and then felt guilty for feeling that. It wasn't Denny's fault that I was miserable. Aside from how much time he had to commit to his job, which I constantly reminded myself was not his fault either, Denny hadn't done anything wrong since he'd come back to me. He was warm, sweet, funny, charming, and constantly trying to make me happy. His moods were near constant, his love and loyalty never wavering. I was always sure of how he felt about me...unlike Kellan. So why did I feel such loss for losing Kellan? And can you lose something that was never yours to begin with? I debated that as Denny sat beside me and kissed me softly.

"Hey, I was thinking..."

I startled as I realized Denny was speaking to me. "What?" I asked, forcing my mind back to the present.

He half-grinned. "You're not quite awake yet are you?" He shook his head lightly as he slipped his shoes on. "It can wait, why don't you go back to sleep." He looked over and smiled warmly. "You don't have to get up with me every morning, you know. I know you come in late." He leaned over and kissed me softly again. "You need your sleep too."

I cringed, knowing that Denny wasn't really the reason I woke up early every morning. Wanting to fight off painful thoughts, that I shouldn't be having in the first place, I made Denny continue on his original train of thought. "No, go ahead, I'm awake...what were you thinking?"

He tied his shoes and then sat on the bed with his elbows on his knees. He looked over at me a little sheepishly and ran a hand along his jaw. Insanely curious over what was making him so uncomfortable, and a little worried about what he knew that would make him look that way, I hesitantly asked, "What is it?"

Not noticing the reluctance in my question, he shyly said, "Have you thought about your winter break next month?"

I instantly relaxed. "No, not really. I guess I figured we'd go home Christmas Eve and stay for the weekend." I looked over at him concerned. "Can you not get the time off?"

He grinned widely at me. "I actually demanded the whole week off."

I eyed him warily. Denny wasn't the demanding type. "You demanded?" I cocked an eyebrow at him.

He laughed at my expression. "Okay...apparently the office shuts down that week. Nobody works it...not even Max." He grinned sheepishly again. "So I'm truly free for a week...and..." he looked down and laced his fingers together, "I'd like to take you home."

I blinked, confused. Isn't that what I just said? "Okay, I kind of figured..."

He looked over at me, his face serious. "My home, Kiera...Australia. I'd like you to meet my parents."

I looked down, surprised. "Oh." I had always wanted to meet them, even though that thought terrified me. But so much had changed since then. They would know. Somehow, the parental sixth sense would kick in, and with just a glance, they would declare me a harlot and denounce me in front of him. I just knew it. I couldn't go. He wouldn't understand that though.

"But Christmas, Denny? I've never missed one with my family." I sighed brokenly, from my previous thought and the thought of the holidays away from my loved ones. "Couldn't we go another time?"

He sighed and I looked back to where he was studying his hands. "I don't know when that will be, Kiera. Who knows when I'll be free from Max again?" He sighed a second time, and ran a hand through his hair before turning his head to look at me. "Will you just think about it?"

I could only nod. Great, one more thing for me to think about. As if my mind wasn't full enough. Denny looked at me thoughtfully, then stood and finished getting ready. I was still sitting on the bed, thinking, when he kissed me goodbye.

A big chunk of me was worried about what his parents would think of me, but watching Kellan at work that night brought a different heartbreak closer to the surface. I would miss him...horrifically. Watching him sit at his table with his friends, watching me, I thought maybe I should just talk to him about it. But I didn't. I knew what his answer would be anyway - go with Denny, the time apart will be good for us, you should be with him, he's the guy for you, etc. etc. etc. Most of it was what my head was already telling me, but my heart? We could possibly stretch Denny's time off to almost two weeks with the weekends, and two weeks away from Kellan's piercing blue eyes...well, just the thought made my addictive withdrawals go into hyper drive.

A couple of days after Denny's proposition, I awoke from a deep sleep, feeling confused. I felt odd, and I didn't know why. I must have been dreaming again. I had dreamt about the last painful kiss I had shared with Kellan all this week. Our amazingly tender kiss, I had never wanted it to end. But then afterwards, there was the sadness in his eyes, that final devastating tear on his cheek as he left the room, and his ominous last words. I sighed softly, conflicted.

Light fingers trailed down my hair, my back. I cringed a bit. I always felt so guilty when Denny touched me while I was thinking about Kellan, and lately, I was usually thinking about Kellan. I was still turning over the thought of leaving with Denny or not. Even if we didn't end up going to Australia, we'd still go home to my parents' place, and Anna would be there. It was an almost lose-lose situation for me. I'm either going to another Country, to face people who will surely see straight to the heart of my deception towards their son, or I'm going to face Anna, who won't be able to contain the horrid affair she'd with Kellan for an entire week. That brought me full circle to the fact that, either way, I was going to have to leave Kellan for a time. And, god was I going to miss him, even if we had ended things...


"Mornin'." A familiar non-accented voice pierced my heart.

Instantly snapping out of my thoughts, I spun around to come face to face with a very sexy, very satisfied looking Kellan, staring right back at me. I instantly became more aware of my surroundings. I glanced down to the strange sheet barely covering my naked chest, barely above Kellan's naked waist. I glanced around the room...his room. My heart raced as I watched the late-morning light filter through the window.

"Oh god..." I whispered, as he casually brought a hand to my cheek and pulled me in for a kiss.

He laughed, deep in his throat. "No...just me," he teased, kissing me softly.

I pushed him back, all too aware of his naked chest under my fingertips, the rest of his bare body just inches from mine. "What happened? I don't remember. Why are we...? Did we...?" Great, now I wasn't forming complete thoughts.

He pulled farther back, looking confused. "Are you okay?" He grinned mischievously. "I know this morning was pretty intense, but did I break you or something?" He winked at me and went in for another kiss.

Panic swept through me. "Oh god, we did. Kellan, we ended this. We aren't... We can't..."

"Kiera, you're starting to freak me out." His brow scrunched together in concern.

"Just tell me what's going on!" My voice was a little too high, and loud. I quieted it with great effort. "Where's Denny?"

"He's at work, Kiera. We always do this when he's at work." He sat up on his elbow and looked at me, frowning. "You really don't remember this?"

"No..." I whispered. "What do you mean...always?"

He leaned over me, lightly stroking my cheek with his finger. "Kiera, Denny leaves for work, we come in here, we have..." he bit his lip and smiled seductively, "...hot...sweaty...sex...before you have to leave for school." He ran his fingers back through my hair. "Sometimes, like today, you skip school, and stay in bed with me for most of the day." He kissed me gently, tenderly. "We've been doing this for weeks. How can you forget something like that?"

I stared at him, shocked. "But...but, no. After the fight in the car, we ended things. You ended things. You promised..."

He smiled wryly. "I also said I wasn't good at staying away from you. We're meant to be, Kiera. We need each other. Staying away was, impossible. It's been so much better since we gave in." He kissed me again, slowly, even more tenderly. "I'll show you..."

Confusion overwhelmed me, froze me. I had no memory of anything intimate, other than our last painful embrace in the kitchen. Wouldn't I remember sleeping with him every day? Was he drugging me or something? I could no longer ponder it, as he was kissing me so lovingly and cupping my cheek in his hand. I relaxed into it. I returned his kiss fully, eagerly. I did miss this. He leaned over me, forcing me to my back and slid his hand down my neck, my chest, my waist. My breath quickened, my heart raced.

He smiled and kissed my cheek, my jaw, my neck. "See...you do remember..."

I closed my eyes, trying to have some recollection of how I got here. He moved on top of me, his knee sliding between mine. He brought his lips back to my mouth and his kiss intensified. I gasped at the sensations running through my body. I didn't know how to stop this. I didn't know if I should. I considered caving, and giving in to something I was apparently frequently giving in to anyway, when suddenly, the door burst open.

Denny stood there, watching us in horror, his eyes enraged. "Kiera?"

I sat up quickly and pushed a very calm looking Kellan off of me. "Denny...wait, I can explain." I had no idea how to explain any of this.

He strode over to the bed, eyes wild with fury. "Explain?" He leaned over me. "There is no need for you to explain that you're a whore! I can clearly see that for myself!"

I started to sob. Kellan slowly sat up on the bed, looking at me amused.

Denny grabbed my arm and shook it. "Kiera?" His voice was gentle and tender, but his eyes were still enraged. He did it again and I gaped at him in confusion, his soft voice, in no way matched his enraged face. "Kiera?"

I woke up with a start. It was night. I was in my pajamas. I was in my room...and Denny was calmly lying beside me in bed, lightly shaking my arm. "You're having a nightmare, it's all right." His accent was warm and comforting.

I blinked back tears. Oh thank god...just a dream. Suddenly, I blinked back tears of sadness. Just a dream...

"You want to talk about it?" he asked sleepily.

I shook my head. "I don't... I don't remember." I looked over at him cautiously. "Did I say anything?"

He shook his head. "No...you were just whimpering, shaking. You looked scared."

Relief washed through me. "Oh." I sat up on the bed, and he started to rise with me. "No, go back to bed. I'm just going to get some water."

He nodded and slumped back down, closing his eyes. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, making him smile, and then I stood and made my way quietly out the door. That had been one hell of an intense dream. I couldn't even look at Kellan's door as I walked past it. What had brought that on? I wasn't sure, that worried me...

I quietly walked into the kitchen, still thinking about the dream, and stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway. Kellan was in there and surprisingly, not alone. He was pushing a tall, leggy brunette up against the fridge. One bare, feminine leg was wrapped around one of his and Kellan's hand was sliding up her short skirt. They were voraciously kissing, the woman completely lost in her thrill of being with him. He was more aware; he glanced over at me as I entered the room.

Shock passed his face for a second, as the woman turned her attentions to his neck, his jaw, his ear. Her hand stroked down his chest coming to rest on his jeans. Her hand slid firmly down and back up the front of his jeans and she moaned, rather loudly. My stomach rose and I wanted to leave the room, but I couldn't stop staring at them.

Composing himself, he turned to the woman. She tried to kiss him, but he deftly pulled away from her. "Sweetheart..." he cooed at her, and she gazed at him adoringly, biting her lip. "Could you wait upstairs for me? I need to speak with my roommate."

She never once even looked at me. She never took her eyes off of him, only nodded and gasped as he leaned in to kiss her deeply again. She looked about ready to lose herself in him again, but he pulled away from her and led her firmly to the entryway. "The one on the right. I'll be up in a second," he cooed again and she giggled, practically fleeing the room to get to his bed.

I felt like throwing up. I considered bending over the sink and just letting it happen right there. Kellan paused for a moment at the entryway, his back to me. "Do you think Denny would be intrigued or upset, if she opens the wrong door?" he said over his shoulder casually.

I gaped at him, speechless. He finally turned to look at me, an odd look in his eyes for half a second, before calmness settled in his features. He took a few steps towards me. I felt like backing away, but I held my ground. "You said before, that you wanted to know when I was...seeing someone. Well...I guess I'm seeing someone."

I still couldn't find any words in me, so he continued. "I'm going to date. I told you, I wouldn't keep it a secret from you, so..." He paused for a deep breath. "I'm going upstairs now, and-"

I made a face that could only have looked like horror and disgust, and he immediately stopped explaining just what he was going to do. I had pretty much figured that out anyway.


"I said I wouldn't hide it. I'm not. Full disclosure, right?"

Irritation flashed through me. I hadn't exactly wanted him bringing home strange women for me to listen to through our very thin walls when we had talked about this. I guess, I had just meant that if he found someone he liked, and dated her for months and months, then maybe, they could go to a hotel room far, far away from me and I would then...understand. I suppose that scenario had been a bit unrealistic.

"Do you even know her name?" I whispered heatedly.

He stared blankly at me for a second before answering. "No, I don't need to, Kiera," he whispered. I gave him a cold, icy look. He returned it, as he snapped, "Don't judge me...and I won't judge you." With that, he turned and left the room.

My thirst completely gone, I practically ran back up the stairs once I could move again. The laughter and erotic noises that later came from his room, turned my stomach for the rest of the night...

The next morning, I stayed in bed and waited for Denny to wake up. The image of that woman's hands running up and down Kellan's jeans wouldn't leave me, the sounds still echoed in my head. I swallowed back tears at the memory of hearing them last night; she had not been quiet. I had heard her leave in the middle of the night (apparently, sleepovers were not encouraged), but I had no desire to be alone with Kellan this morning. I wasn't sure what was more surreal to me, my odd dream of us together, or seeing him with that woman. Was that really what he considered dating?

Denny woke up awhile later and smiled over at me still in bed with him; I usually ducked out while he was still sleeping. He reached over to me and started kissing my neck. I stiffened, and he stopped with a sigh. I was not in the mood right now. I waited patiently for him to sit-up, stretch, and stand, and then I sat up and walked over to him, smiling as best as I could.

"Are you all right? You look tired," he asked, sweetly running his hand through my hair.

I nodded and tried to brighten my smile. "I just didn't sleep well...I'm fine."

We both got dressed and ready for our days. I took as long as I could, without making Denny late, and he watched me get ready with a soft smile on his lips; always patient, always willing to spend a little time with me where he could. I swallowed the lump in my throat from that thought, and taking his hand, we went downstairs to the kitchen together. Kellan was awake, of course, and was watching TV in the living room. Upon hearing us, he shut the TV off and walked into the room. Denny smiled at him while I rolled my eyes and stifled a sigh.

Kellan greeted us, then looking at me oddly, asked Denny. "I was thinking of having a couple friends over tonight. Would you guys be okay with that?"

Denny answered for us, "Sure, mate, whatever...it's your place." He smiled and clapped him on the shoulder, as he went to the fridge to make a quick breakfast for us.

Kellan glanced over to where I was silently standing by the table. "Are you okay...with that?"

I blushed and looked down, catching the pause in his question, and what he was really asking me. "Sure...whatever." Looking back on that later, I probably should have been honest and said, no.

My head was in a fog the remainder of the day. All throughout school, and all throughout my shift at work, my mind kept flipping between our last tender kiss in the kitchen, my dream of having an affair with him, and his leggy brunette pressed against the fridge.

In the middle of my shift at Pete's, the D-Bags rolled in, but Kellan wasn't with them. He must already be home, entertaining. If he wasn't having the band over, I wasn't sure who I was going to find at our house. The anticipation tied my stomach into painful knots. I honestly had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what Kellan had meant by "a couple friends".

I was handing the band their beers, when Evan noticed my fog. "You okay, Kiera? You seem kind of out of it?" he asked politely.

Griffin was not so polite. "Yeah, you raggin' or something?"

Matt smacked him across the chest, in a move so similar to what Kellan would have done, that I had to swallow. "No, I'm fine...just tired." I looked at them thoughtfully for a second, then blurted out, "Are you guys going to Kellan's thing at our house?"

Matt looked over from Griffin, surprised. "Kellan's having a party?"

I frowned. "He didn't tell you?"

Griffin looked affronted. "We do have lives outside of Kellan Kyle, you know."

I blushed and Evan quickly answered, "No. I'm not going anyway. I have a date." He winked at me, his warm brown eyes sparkling at the prospect of a new love.

Matt shook his head too, running a hand back through his spiky hair. "No, I don't feel like hanging out with Kellan's groupies tonight." He looked over at Griffin. "You?"

Griffin surprisingly scowled. "Hell, no! F*ck Kellan and his stupid-ass parties."

Matt laughed at him. "Dude, are you still mad about that? That was forever ago."

He crossed his arms over his chest, pouting like a five year old, and glared at Matt. "I clearly called dibs."

Evan sighed. "You can't call dibs on a human being, Griffin."

Griffin shot him a look, while I blushed deeply, realizing what they were talking about. "Yes, yes you can...and I did, and he clearly heard me. He even said 'whatever, Griffin' in total agreement. But who did that f*cker take to his room later?" He pointed angrily to his chest. "My chick!"

Matt laughed again. "Since when is 'whatever' total agreement?" He laughed some more and Evan joined him.

Griffin took a swig of the beer I had just handed him. "Dude, it's not cool to kype another man's dibs. I'm not playing on his home turf anymore." He sulked in his chair while Matt laughed hysterically.

Evan chuckled and said, "Riiight....that's why Kellan got the girl, home field advantage."

Griffin exhaled loudly and then scowled at the both of them. "Shut it...f*ckers." Then he chugged his beer.

Blushing deeply, and sorry I even brought it up, I quickly left the table. Now I was really dreading going home.

Jenny gave me a ride that night after my shift. "Want to come in?" I suddenly asked Jenny, as she pulled up to the extra-packed street and driveway. "Kellan's having a...thing." I shrugged. I just had a feeling I would need her support tonight, even if she didn't realize it.

"Oh...sure, I can come in for a little bit." She smiled, and managing to squeeze in behind Denny's car, parked hers, and we made our way to the front door.

I held my breath as I opened it. The first thing I noticed was Denny and Kellan on the couch, chatting and laughing easily. I walked into the entryway, set my bag down and hung up my jacket, feeling more relaxed. It was wonderful to see them happy together again. It felt like ages ago that they had really talked to each other. As I started walking towards them, however, my mood suddenly shifted. A dark-haired, dark-skinned and outrageously beautiful girl, plopped right down onto Kellan's lap and kissed him. He laughed and kissed her back. Denny smiled and looked away from them, and over to me. He smiled warmly at me and waved, but then he frowned. I realized I was scowling at Kellan and his hussy, and attempted to fix my face.

"Wow...do you know all these people?" Jenny asked, as she moved up beside me.

It was only then, that I realized there were a good dozen people in the living room, with more voices drifting over from the kitchen. A few friends, huh? I looked over at her. "No."

She waved at Denny sitting on the couch and laughed a bit. "Well, Kellan sure seems to know them."


Grudgingly, I looked back to the couch. Kellan was still kissing the girl, rather intently, his hand running up her thigh. I turned away from the sight, when flashes of his tongue in her mouth made my stomach rise and fire burn through me. I slid my eyes over to Denny, who was still watching me curiously. He stood and walked over to us as we entered the living room.

"Hey Jenny," he said politely to her. Then he turned to me. "You okay? I know there's kind of a lot of people here. Kellan said we only had to tell him, and he would kick them out." He smiled warmly at me and pulled me in for a hug.

I managed a weak smile as I hugged him back. Over his shoulder, I could see Kellan. He'd stopped making out, and was now running his fingers through the dark-haired girl's locks, while talking to a strawberry-blonde girl in the spot Denny had just left. To my surprise, he leaned over and gave her a soft kiss; the woman on his lap didn't seem to care in the least.

"No...it's fine. I do need a drink though." I hoped there wasn't too much venom in my voice. My anger was starting to simmer, which I didn't quite understand.

"Sure, come on." He pulled me through the crowd, while Jenny followed behind our wake.

Denny grabbed a beer from an open pack on the counter and handed it to me. I thanked him and quickly opened it, taking a swig. Really, I needed to relax. So what if he's...spreading himself around. No great shock there. I already knew he was like that.

Forcing myself to get through the next couple of hours without making an embarrassing, and question-inducing scene, I sat in an empty chair at the table and concentrated on making polite conversation with Jenny and Denny. I watched the half-dozen strangers around us. I was a little surprised that the band hadn't shown up here anyway. Surely they would have enjoyed something like this? But the group, ninety percent of which was women, were people I hadn't seen before. Actually, now that I was watching them more closely, a couple did look vaguely familiar...fans maybe?

I was listening to Denny talk to one of the few guys in the room and watching the crowd, when I turned to people-watch in the living room. A break in the bodies gave me a view of Kellan. He was standing and dancing with the strawberry-blonde, the dark-haired woman watching them from the couch. My jaw dropped in remembered surprise. He was dancing with her, exactly the way he had danced with me at the club. He was behind her, his arm around her waist, hand resting on her jeans, pulling her into his hips, and they were moving together in a way that made me blush. Smiling, he lowered his head to her ear and whispered something to her, making her bite her lip and sag against him. Our intimate moment being used on another, made me curiously furious.

Still smiling, he glanced up and for the first time, caught my eye. His smile slipped for half second and he looked at me oddly, almost sadly. Then the smile was back and his eyes warmed. He nodded politely to me, and turned his attention to the dark-haired woman, who had come up behind him and was pressing against his back. He grinned widely at her and leaning back, kissed her deeply. I turned away, sickened and furious.

Jenny, who had been watching me watch him, noticed. "Are you okay?" She glanced at Kellan dancing with his two floosies, then back to me. She whispered, "Is that bothering you?"

Panicked, I wasn't sure how to explain why that made me angry. I shook my head and looked down at my bottle. "No, no of course not. It's just...it's gross." I looked back up at her, trying to look prudish. "Two women...really? That's just asking for trouble."

She laughed a little and looked over at him. "Yeah...I suppose it is." She shook her head, like it didn't really matter to her. "Well, he says he's careful, so, I guess, whatever floats your boat, right?"

That surprised me a little. "You asked him about...that?"

She laughed again. "Noooooo... Kellan's love life is not something I want to talk with him about." She laughed again at my confused face. "Evan asked him once and I overheard his answer. Evan...he's always looking out for Kellan." She smiled at the thought.

"Oh," I said quietly. I couldn't help but think of the times that Kellan and I had been together. He hadn't been careful at all. The first time we were too drunk to think about being safe. The second time we were...overcome...by it. Every time was so intense that safety kind of went out the window. It hurt me a little, that he hadn't cared enough to be safe with me. That thought increased my anger at how many girls he was being "safe" with.

I kept my head down and purposefully away from the living room for the rest of the party. Not too much later, people started heading out; it was pretty late for a weeknight. Jenny gave me a hug and said she'd call me tomorrow. I watched her give Denny a hug and looking into the living room, smile at Kellan and wave goodbye to him. I resisted the urge to see if Kellan's harlots had left yet. Eventually, everyone else filed out.

After everyone had left the kitchen, Denny yawned and looked over at me. "Ready for bed?"

I stood and stretched. "Yeah." Instinctively, I stretched to my side and glanced into the living room. I stopped moving. The two girls were both still there. In fact, they were the only two "friends" still there with Kellan. They were sitting on the couch, on either side of him, and both had their hands on his chest. The dark-haired girl was kissing his neck, while the blonde entertained his lips. She pulled back breathlessly and Kellan smiled over at the other girl. The dark-haired girl stopped sucking on his neck and looked up at the blonde, and then she leaned over and kissed the blonde, while Kellan bit his lip and watched them with hungry eyes.

I forced my gaze away and back to Denny, my stomach full of fire. Denny was grinning like an idiot at them, which increased my anger. "Come on." I grabbed his hand and pulled him roughly through the kitchen and up the stairs. He was laughing at my reaction, and pulled me in for a kiss as we reached our bed. I pushed him down moodily and changed into my pajamas. The thought of what was going on downstairs burned me with the intensity of my anger.

Denny noticed my mood. "What, Kiera?"

"Nothing," I spat back at him.

"Hey...are you mad at me?"

I spun around to face him. "I don't know? You seemed to really enjoy seeing that. Should we invite the girls up here when Kellan's done with them...into our bed?" I knew he wouldn't do anything with any of them, but I was really mad, and needed an outlet.

He blanched. "No, babe. I wouldn't touch them. That's not me, you know that."

"Oh? And what were you doing at this little orgy before I got here? Did you sneak a couple up here for a quickie?"

He looked at me with blank shock. "I sat on the couch and talked to Kellan. That's all, Kiera." His voice got a little irritated. "I didn't do anything."

"Whatever." I angrily got into bed, shoving him out of my way, and pulled the covers around me. "I have a headache. I just want to go to sleep now."

He sighed. "Kiera..."

"Goodnight, Denny."

He rolled over to his side, then undressed and crawled under the covers with me. "Okay...goodnight." He tenderly kissed my head and I pulled away a bit. I knew I wasn't being fair, Denny hadn't done anything wrong, but my anger was swelling not decreasing. My imagination was going crazy, picturing Kellan with his whores. Denny sighed and rolled over.

I lay there, fuming, and listening for sounds from downstairs. Eventually, Denny's breathing slowed and evened...he was asleep. A little while later, light laughter and footsteps, three sets of them, made their way upstairs, and I heard Kellan's door lightly close and music being turned on.


I sat up. I couldn't take it. I couldn't listen to it. I hurried as quietly as I could out of the room and down the stairs. I considered leaving...but had no idea where to go, or how to explain that to Denny in the morning. Instead, I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. I gulped it, leaning against the counter, begging my body to calm down. Kellan had every right...

My head was down, both hands on the counter and tears starting to form, when I felt a body join me in the kitchen. I couldn't turn to look. Either way, I was screwed. Denny wouldn't understand my being so upset. Kellan...well, I just didn't want him to see how much he bothered me.

"Kiera?" Kellan's voice broke through my dark thoughts.

Of course. Of course it would be him. "What, Kellan?"

"Are you okay?" His voice was soft, concerned.

Angry, I spun to face him, and stopped and stared. He was half-naked, bare-chested with his jeans unbuttoned. His hair looked freshly played with and distractingly sexy. I swallowed the lump in my throat at his gorgeousness, and who he was half-dressed for. "What are you doing down here? Shouldn't you be...entertaining?" I could feel the tears in my eyes, I prayed for them not to spill.

He smiled shyly. "The girls wanted..." He pointed to the fridge, then opened it, and grabbed a can of whipped cream. He shrugged and left it at that.

I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly. Of course the hussies would want to make it as horrifying as possible for me. I closed my eyes and prayed that he would just leave me alone, and go back to his porn set.

"Kiera..." He said my name so tenderly, that I opened my eyes. He smiled sadly at me. "This is who I am. Before you got here...this is me." He pointed upstairs to where Denny was sleeping. "That, that is you. This is how it's supposed to be..."

He moved towards me, like he was going to hug me or kiss my forehead, but at the last minute he seemed to change his mind and turning, he started to leave the room. At the doorway, he turned and softly said, "Goodnight, Kiera."

He left then, without waiting for a response from me, and the tears brimming in my eyes finally fell. I spent that night on the couch, with the television turned up as loudly as I thought was possible without waking Denny.