Thoughtless

Chapter 22

Choices

Kellan looked different when I made my way downstairs in the morning. Not physically. Physically, he was still achingly perfect. Well, maybe his deep blue eyes were more tired than usual, but neither one of us had slept at all last night. No, he looked different emotionally. He didn't look up when I entered the room. He gave me no cheery greeting, just kept staring blankly into his coffee mug, seemingly lost in thought.

I walked over to him and grabbed his still full cup, setting it on the counter and breaking his focus. He turned his head and looked at me wistfully. Then he kissed me lightly and slipped his arms around my waist. I laced my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this," he whispered, and I automatically tensed. "Last night can't happen again, Kiera."

I pulled back and looked at him, hurt and confused, and a little scared.

He looked over the emotions on my face, then sighed. "I love you and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don't say it...to anyone...ever." Gently removing my arm from around his neck, he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. "There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of yourself you wanted to give me, and found a way to deal with the rest..."

He ran our laced fingers over my cheek. My face softened at his words, but I was still confused and scared. He sighed as he looked me over. "I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have." I started to interrupt him, and he put our fingers over my lips. "I want to be honorable-."

"You are," I interrupted, pulling our fingers from my lips. "You are a good man, Kellan."

"I want to be the better man, Kiera...and I'm not." He sighed again and looked up to where Denny was still sleeping, then back down to me. "Last night wasn't the honorable thing to do, Kiera...not under Denny's nose like that."

I frowned and felt tears of guilt and shame sting my eyes. He recognized my look and instantly understood. "No...I didn't mean, you're not... I wasn't trying to insult you, Kiera." He held me close as a couple of tears escaped my eyes.

"Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I want you to leave him...and stay with me." He slowly opened his eyes. They were suddenly very fearful.

I gaped at him, at a complete loss for words. Was he giving me an ultimatum? Making me finally choose?

"I'm sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love...and I've, I've never had that...and I just can't go back to who I was before. I want you and only you and I can't bear the thought of sharing you. I'm sorry." He looked down sadly. "I want to be with you the right way - in the open. I want to walk into Pete's with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who's looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don't want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so...whole. I'm sorry, Kiera, but I'm asking you to choose."

I continued to gape at him as tears now rolled down my cheeks. The picture he painted was so wonderful. I could see it - a future with him, a life with him. A part of me, a large part of me, wanted that. But the rest of me saw warm, sparkling brown eyes and a goofy grin. "You're asking me to destroy him, Kellan."

He closed his eyes and swallowed. "I know," he whispered. When he reopened his eyes, they were glistening. "I know. I just...I can't share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you."

Panic flared through me at the thought of losing one of them. "What if I don't choose you, Kellan? What will you do?"

He looked away, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'll leave, Kiera. I'll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after." He looked back at me. "You wouldn't even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you..." his voice broke and another tear fell on his cheek, "the two of you would get married, and have children, and have a great life."


I fought back a sob. "And you? What happens to you in that scenario?"

"I...get by. And I miss you, every day," he whispered.

Finally a sob did break free, and to reassure myself that he was still here in front of me, that the horror he had described hadn't yet happened, I grabbed his face and kissed him intensely. I felt more of his tears land on my skin as he returned my kiss just as intensely. We broke apart, breathless, and rested our foreheads together as our tears continued to fall.

"Kiera...we could be amazing together," he whispered.

"I need more time, Kellan...please," I whispered back.

He kissed me softly. "Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever." He kissed me again and I finally felt my heart start to slow to normal, the ice in my belly melting. "I don't want to hang around the house with him today. I'm going over to Evan's."

I clutched at him, my heart racing again. Seeing my panic, he soothingly said, "I'll see you at Pete's tonight. I'll be there." He kissed me again, and started to pull away from me.

"Wait...now? You're leaving now?" I asked in a near whine.

He ran his hands down my hair, then brought them to my cheeks. "Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you'll be able to..."

Decide? Decide which heart I would break? I didn't see how I could ever decide that.

He didn't finish his thought, he simply brought his lips to mine and kissed me for what felt like hours, but when he pulled away, it suddenly felt like mere seconds. Smiling wistfully at me, he turned and left the room, and then a few moments later, the house. I turned to stare at his full cup of coffee on the counter and wondered what I was going to do.

In the end, I laid myself down on the couch, and sobbed until sleep took me.

Hours later, I woke up feeling completely un-refreshed. Kellan's words tumbled through my mind as I went into the kitchen to re-heat the coffee he had made earlier...before he'd abruptly left.

I looked up from pouring the coffee into my mug when I heard Denny enter the room. My heartbeat doubled at the look on his face. I had never seen such a look on his face before. He was grievous - tortured and defeated. His normally sparkling brown eyes were dead and flat. He was dressed and freshly showered, but it did nothing to make him look well and rested. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and smiling half-heartedly entered the room.

I froze at the counter watching him. What made him so sad? Did he know that I wasn't with him last night? Did he know where I went? Were Kellan and I not as quiet as I thought? He walked over to me and almost reached out to me, before he stopped himself. There was an odd feeling in the room. My breath started increasing in my nervousness. I knew it was odd for me not to ask him what was wrong - his crushing look would have never gone unquestioned by me before, but I just couldn't get enough air to speak. And I was terrified to ask him.

Finally, he spoke. "You disappeared on me," he whispered.

My heartbeat tripled, my vision swam. Oh god, I was going to pass out right here in front of him. "What?" I unintentionally squeaked out.

"This morning." He nodded over to the couch. "I came down earlier, and you were sleeping on the couch. I didn't want to wake you..."

My heartbeat slowed fractionally. "Oh."

His crushed look returned, as he reached out for my hand. "Did I...do something, Kiera?"

I immediately started shaking my head, and had to swallow twice before I could speak. "No...no of course not."

"Really? Because I feel like there's this wall between us. We used to talk about everything. I knew almost every single thought in your head, and now, I have no clue what you're thinking half the time."

I swallowed back the tears again.

"Will you talk to me?" His sad brown eyes searched my face for a moment, and then he pulled my arm gently, to lead me into the living room. I begged myself to not start sobbing again, like yesterday.

We sat down close beside each other on the couch. He leaned over his knees on his elbows, then running a hand halfway through his hair, he looked over to me. "Are you happy here?" he asked softly, his accent thick with controlled emotion.

I shook my head, no, but said, "Yes." His face looked just as confused as I felt by my odd answer.

"Is it Kellan?" he whispered, and I felt my stomach lurch like I might be sick. Was he finally asking me? I knew my face was a white as a ghost, and I felt like any second I might hyperventilate again.

"Does his lifestyle bother you that much? Do you not like being here with him as a roommate anymore?"

I relaxed. He wasn't asking me about an affair...he was asking me about Kellan's women. That was the last thing Denny knew of, that had made me unhappy, that slap in the bar, but so much had changed since then. Kellan loved me, deeply loved me. And I...

"No, he's fine. I barely see him anyway," I said quietly, my thoughts still spinning.

"No, he hasn't been around lately, has he?" He looked at me oddly when he said that, and I cringed that I had placed that realization in his head. I waited for the next question that could only rationally come: were you desperately sad all week because he was gone? Did you have a breakdown yesterday because he came back? Because you made love to him...and then felt guilty in my arms?

The question he did ask though, hurt worse than any of my imagined questions. "Is it me then? Are you not happy with me?" he asked so quietly, I barely heard him.

I threw my arms around him and tried to choke back a sob. "No, I love you." My voice broke anyway. "I'm happy with you." Don't ask any more questions. Don't find out what I've done. Don't leave me...

He returned my hug, clutching me to him, like I was pulling away instead of pressing against him. "Then move to Brisbane with me."

I pulled back and gazed, confused, at his still flat eyes. "What?"

"When your school ends...come to Australia with me." He almost frantically searched my face, trying to gauge my reaction.

I blinked at him in disbelief. We had never talked about moving to his homeland, merely visiting over winter break. "Why?"

"I've made some phone calls, there's a really great job waiting for me there...whenever I want it. We could move there. It's near my parents. They would love having us close." His accent started thickening, as he talked about his family and his home.

"It's so far away, Denny..." Physically, about as far away from Kellan as he could get me. "What about...my family."

"We'll visit as often as you want, Kiera. Holidays. Vacations. Whatever you want, whenever you want." He softly stroked my cheek as he spoke. I could hear the slight desperation in his tone. He really wanted this.

"Australia? I didn't know you wanted to go back there."

"It's a great offer..." He looked down at the floor, before looking back up to me. "We could get married there," he whispered.

My heart started pounding. We had never talked about marriage before either. I couldn't say anything. A million thoughts went through my head at the same time, some about a life here with Kellan, some about a life thousands of miles away with Denny. He ran his hand through my hair as I stared at his beautiful, but sad, face.

"We could be happy...there." He swallowed. "I could be a great husband to you. Maybe someday, a father..." his voice trailed off as my eyes started to water. I could see the picture he was painting too...and it was equally as wonderful as Kellan's. I didn't know how to choose. He stroked my cheek again and brought me in for a tender kiss. I closed my eyes, melted into his touch, and considered his proposal...both of them.


He brought both of his hands to my cheeks and kissed me deeply. I returned it just as deeply. Abruptly, he stood and then leaned over and picked me up. He had no problems carrying me, he was very strong, and he kissed me the entire time he took me upstairs to our room. I purposely kept my eyes closed as we passed Kellan's.

For the first time ever in our relationship, being with Denny was...odd. There was a frenzied desperation to our lovemaking that had never been there before. It was heartfelt, it was heartbreaking. It was extreme joy, it was bone-crushing grief. It was fiery-hot, it was icy-cold. It was true love sprouting...it was true love dying. It was like we were both trying to hold onto something that was slipping through our fingers, and we didn't understand why. I understood more than him, of course, but just barely. I would never fully understand how I could have ever strayed from such a warm, sensitive and caring soul.

Afterwards, he stroked my hair as I nestled into his shoulder. Guilt washed through me. This would kill Kellan. He had to have known when he left this morning, that there was at least a possibility Denny would want to...

That thought made me feel worse. Then I felt guilty for not completely loving being with Denny. I angrily brushed aside a tear. I was tired of feeling guilty. Kellan was right, one way or another, I needed to make a choice.

"Are you all right, Kiera?" Denny asked me softly.

I closed my eyes and tensed; was he finally asking me? "Yes," I said softly.

He kissed my head. "You've been so sad, and yesterday you seemed so..."

I sighed softly. He was going to ask. "Just a bad day...no big deal."

"Oh." I could tell from his timbre that he didn't believe me. "Do you want to talk about it?" His accent was getting thicker; it usually did when he was getting emotional. I needed to end this conversation.

I looked up at him and forced a smile. "No...I want to go to Australia with you." I hated to say it, but I needed more time.

He smiled widely and kissed me deeply, all traces of our conversation forgotten.

Denny drove me to work that evening and decided to stay for the night. He had an odd happiness about him, which only made me feel worse. I had given him hope for us...and it could possibly be a false hope. I wasn't sure yet.

I set Denny up with some food and a beer at the band's table. My stomach was already tensed at the idea of Kellan and Denny sitting down together. All too soon, the band strolled into the bar. Evan and Matt came in together. Evan spotted Denny at their table and eyed me curiously, making me look down and blush. I missed seeing Griffin's entrance, but I heard it. He yelled upon entering the bar, "The stud is here - this party can start now!"

I rolled my eyes and looked over right as Kellan came walking through the door. I held my breath at seeing him. He still stopped my heart with his perfection. He ran his hand through his perfectly messy hair as his absurdly blue eyes locked onto mine. I mouthed a "hi" and he half-grinned at me sexily and nodded his head. He started to walk towards me, until I slightly shook my head. He cocked his head, confused, and then following my line of sight as I looked back at their table, he understood. His smile left and his eyes darkened. He looked back at me wistfully, and then turned to join the guys at his table.

I watched Kellan discreetly as I went about my night. It was difficult to do. I wanted to go over and hold him, kiss him, snuggle in his lap...but I couldn't. Even if Denny were not sitting directly across the table from him, I couldn't. We didn't have that type of relationship, and that was what he wanted from me. He didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't either, but...I shifted my focus to Denny at the table...I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't, I loved him too.

Denny was smiling, happier than I'd seen him in days. My melancholy during Kellan's absence had affected him more than I had realized. He was excited that we had a future planned now. He was currently engaged in a conversation with Matt, so I shifted my focus back to Kellan.

Kellan glanced over at me, making eye contact for just a fraction of a second then looking pointedly at the hallway for only the briefest moment. Anyone looking at him wouldn't have thought twice about the movement, he was simply scanning the room. But I knew better, he wanted to talk to me. He calmly finished his beer, then got up and made his way to the hallway. Denny watched him leave for half a second, then turned back to his conversation with Matt.

I swiftly walked over to Jenny. I didn't have much time. "Jenny, can you-"

She looked at the guys table, and noticing Kellan's absence, immediately said, "I'm not lying for you, Kiera."

I shook my head. "No, I'm not asking you to. Just...come find me, if Denny asks...anything."

She sighed resignedly. "Fine...make it a quickie."

I smirked at her and then smiled. "Thank you."

She nodded and went back to her work. Then making sure no one, particularly Denny, noticed, I followed Kellan to the hallway. My heartbeat increased when I saw him. He was leaning against the wall in the space between the two bathrooms - his foot against the wall, his hands in his pockets, his head turned in my direction. He smiled softly at me when he saw me and I smiled back. He reached out for my hand as I approached, and with the other, opened the women's bathroom door. I noticed an "Out of Order" sign from the backroom taped on the door.

I pointed at it. "Did you...?"

He smiled and led me inside, and then his smile left him. "Are you going to Australia with Denny?" he asked me, as soon as the door swung closed.

My stomach clenched. "What? Where did you hear that?"

"Denny...he's telling everyone, Kiera. What did you tell him?" His blue eyes bored into mine.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. "I'm sorry. He was asking the wrong questions. I just needed time." I opened my eyes, feeling very stupid.

"So you told him you would leave the Country with him? Kiera, god!" He ran a hand through his hair, then pinched his nose with his fingers. "Can't you ever stop and think, before you just spit things out!"

"I know it was stupid, but in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to say," I mumbled feebly.

"God, Kiera...did you agree to marry him too?" he asked sarcastically. I didn't say anything, and the sudden silence spoke volumes. Kellan raised his eyebrows at the stillness crashing around us. "Did he...did he ask you?"

"I didn't say yes," I whispered.

"But you didn't say no," he whispered back, dropping his hand from his face.

Seeing his hurt, I tried to explain. "He never really asked. He just said that when we were there...we could...like, eventually, years from now..."

He swallowed and looked at me warily. "Are you...considering it?"

I took a step towards him. "I need time, Kellan," I said softly.

"Did you sleep with him?" he whispered.

I stopped moving and blinked rapidly several times. "Kellan...don't ask that."

He nodded and looked away, scowling. "So, until you decide, how exactly does this work? Should Denny and I draw up a schedule?" He looked back at me, his face and voice suddenly heated. "Do I get you during the week, and he gets weekends, or should we just do the week on, week off thing? Or how about we all f*ck together? Would you prefer that?" he snapped.

I walked over to him calmly, and put a hand on his cheek. "Kellan...filter."

He blinked at me, then smiled sheepishly. "Right...sorry. I'm just... I'm not okay with this, Kiera."


I kissed him softly and a tear fell from my eye. "I'm not either, Kellan. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to lie. I don't want to hurt people. I just don't know how to choose."

He gazed at me silently for an achingly long time, and then whispered, "Can I plead my case?" He gently grabbed my head in his hands and kissed me deeply.

A light knocking filtered through the door. "Guys? It's me...Jenny." We both ignored her, as Kellan's "case" got more intense. She slowly swung open the door and we still didn't stop kissing. He even exhaled softly and kissed me deeper.

Jenny sounded a bit...uncomfortable. "Uh...Kiera, sorry but you wanted me to find you?"

I nodded around Kellan's lips and ran my fingers through his hair, while he smiled through his kisses. "Uh, okay...can you guys stop doing that?" She sounded a little irritated now.

Kellan mumbled a "no" and I laughed once, the sound lost in his mouth. Jenny sighed. "Okay then. Well, two things actually. One, Kellan, you're up."

Kellan raised his hand to her, thumb up, but never stopped voraciously kissing me. I was pretty sure Jenny was seeing way more of Kellan's tongue than she probably wanted to, since when I smiled and laughed at his movement, he ran it across the roof of my mouth, before closing his lips around mine.

Jenny sighed again. "Second, Denny talked to Griffin."

Kellan and I broke apart at the same time and looked at her. "What?" We both said together, our momentary good humor gone.

Jenny shrugged, looking apologetic. "I tried to sideline Griffin, but Denny was talking about you having a hard time leaving your family." She gave me an icy look. Apparently she didn't like what I had done either. "Denny casually mentioned Anna, so naturally, Griffin told him every gory detail of their time together while she was here." She made a face, like she had repeatedly heard every detail. My own face paled.

"Denny, of course, brought up Kellan and Anna, and the fight between you and Kellan in the bar." She shook her head. "Griffin got all bent out of shape. He vehemently denied that Kellan ever slept with her. That he actually took Anna out from under Kellan, and that..." she glanced at Kellan, who looked equally as pale as me, "Kellan was a prick for trying to...and I'm quoting here...'nab his score'." She made another face, then looked at me sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Kiera...but Denny knows that you lied."

I clutched at Kellan, not wanting to hear any of this. "Thank you, Jenny," Kellan said calmly.

"Yeah...I'm sorry." She smiled sadly, then turned and left us alone in the room.

My breathing became labored as I clutched Kellan's shoulders. "What do we do?" I searched his face, hoping to find an answer there. My mind started spinning as Kellan watched me silently. "Okay...it's not so bad. I'll just tell him that you lied to me...and Anna lied to me...and..." I looked away, thinking through the various lies to tell Denny.

"Kiera...that won't work. He'll just be even more suspicious, if you start saying that everyone else is lying. No lies will work, baby."

I looked up at him when he called me that, a small smile on my lips as his tender word fractionally lifted my spirits. It didn't last though. I immediately frowned. "Then what do we do?"

He sighed and ran a finger down my cheek. "We do the only thing we can. I go on stage, and you go back to work."

"Kellan..." That wasn't going to solve anything.

"It will be fine, Kiera. I need to go. I need to talk to Evan before we start." Then he kissed me softly on the forehead, and left me alone in the room, my head still spinning. Things were starting to crash down around me. I put a hand on my stomach and struggled to maintain my breath.

Kellan was near the stage, having a deep conversation with Evan when I reentered the bar. Evan did not look happy about whatever Kellan was telling him. Evan flicked a glance at me, then scowling, looked back at Kellan, who never turned to look at me. Eventually Kellan said something that from his stance, looked like an order. Evan finally seemed to accept it, and with one last flick of a glance at Denny, he hopped on stage.

The rest of the guys followed shortly after, and Kellan ran his hand through his hair and glancing at Denny, who happened to also look back at him, an odd expression on his face, hopped on the stage as well. The crowd went nuts for their stars, but I didn't hear any of it. I was too busy wondering what all that had been about.

I made my way back to my section, to start helping customers, when I met Denny's eye. He was still sitting at the band's table, which was now filling up with female fans, and was openly scowling at me. My breath caught. He knew I lied. He was thinking, right now, about why. I intentionally kept my eyes from the stage. I tried to smile at him, but only managed a feeble grin. He didn't smile back. His eyes narrowed and I forcefully pulled my gaze away.

Mentally, I thanked the packed bar of thirsty customers, for giving me an excuse to not have to go near his table for awhile. The band's music started playing, but I never glanced back to the stage. I may have pulled my gaze from him, but I could feel Denny's gaze burning into me.

Towards the end of the night, I started relaxing. Not that my stomach wasn't churning and my head wasn't spinning, but Denny never approached me. I eventually had to go to his table, to serve some of the females, and he only ordered another beer from me. He asked me nothing. But his eyes said everything - he was suspicious, highly suspicious.

Later, Kellan announced that they had one more song...and it was a new one. It started with just Matt and Evan, then a few beats later Griffin came in, and Kellan started singing. His voice was low and husky. The lyrics were sad, and I discreetly watched him for a moment, before I turned to help a customer.

"Hi, what can I..." I couldn't finish my question. A phrase Kellan had just sung, seeped into my brain and froze me in place, blocking out all other thoughts.

"You're everything that I need, but I'm nothing that you need. I failed you, I betrayed you, over and over, but you'll be alright...when he holds you tight."

My jaw dropped as I stared back up at the stage. This was a new song he'd been working on...and it was about him...and me.

"Miss? I said we'll..." I ignored the customer. Kellan's voice had picked up strength, and it was all I could focus on.

"It's better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie."

But he was saying goodbye...in song...in front of the entire bar, in front of Denny. Kellan wasn't looking my way. He was staring out over the crowd, not noticing any of them, focusing solely on the words.

I stood where I was, completely in shock at a customer's table, who was still trying to get my attention. I was only a few feet away from Denny, and he had to be watching me stare at Kellan on stage, terror in my eyes and my mouth open in disbelief. Evan hadn't wanted him to sing this, most likely because Denny was here. What was Kellan thinking?

On the second verse, I stopped caring who was watching as tears filled my eyes. I couldn't possibly have stopped the reaction as Kellan's voice burned through me.

"We had what we had, we did what we did...and it was amazing, something I'll never forget. It will hurt me, it will hurt you too. But everything ends, so save your tears. This won't break you. With him by your side, you'll be just fine. But I promise you...my love for you will never die."

His words were beautiful and heartbreaking. He was saying goodbye, for real this time. On the second, "I failed you, I betrayed you, over and over..." I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.


Finally, Kellan looked straight at me. He locked his intense gaze to mine and repeated the chorus, "It's better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie." I could see a tear fall on his cheek, which he completely ignored, his voice holding steady and strong. I felt my breath choke. I felt pain rip through my stomach. I felt my heart seize, and I felt the few tears that had escaped, turn into streams running down my face.

"Miss...?"

Vague voices buzzed around me, but Kellan's words were piercing straight through me...and they weren't stopping. The next line, "Every single day I'll keep you with me, no matter how far from me you are..." followed immediately by another "goodbye" section, had me clutching my gut and holding a hand to my mouth, desperately trying to hold in the sob.

As the music and Kellan's voice picked up even more, I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Not here, Kiera," Jenny's soft voice whispered in my ear.

I couldn't even break myself away from staring at Kellan to look at her. Another tear fell down his cheek as he stared at me, unabashed. I didn't know who was watching us. I didn't know if Denny was watching us. Kellan's face was all I could see, his heart wrenching words, all I could hear. A sob broke free.

Jenny started tugging at my arm. I stubbornly resisted her. "Not here, Kiera. Denny's watching...not here."

I stopped resisting and let her pull me into the kitchen as Kellan sang the last few bars, "I promise you...my love for you will never die," his heartbreaking eyes watching me leave. His voice cracked just once, as I disappeared through the kitchen doors with Jenny. Immediately I started sobbing, and Jenny put her arms around me.

"It's okay, Kiera. It will be okay. Have faith." She repeated it over and over while she rubbed my back, and I sobbed mercilessly on her shoulder.

He was leaving...

When my crying spell was over, Jenny fixed my face and brought me a drink...it was not water. I sat up at the bar and downed it. Kellan watched me wistfully from the edge of the stage. I desperately wanted to run over to him, to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, to beg him not to leave. I couldn't do anything though, not with Denny still here watching. For the first time in my life, I wished Denny would leave.

Denny approached Kellan after his set, and asked him a serious looking question. Kellan flicked a glance over to me, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Kellan smiled casually and shook his head, clapping Denny on the shoulder. With a blank face, Denny watched Kellan shove his guitar back in his case and quickly leave the bar, risking one final glance at me as he opened the doors. I watched his fingers go to the bridge of his nose as he walked through them.

Denny sat and waited at the table solemnly, until my shift was over. When I grabbed my things, he finally approached me. Ice flooded my veins, but he said nothing. He simply held out his hand and we walked in silence out of the bar.

Kellan was already home when Denny and I got there. His light was off when I glanced slyly at his room as we walked by, but I could hear soft music playing and knew he was awake. Denny undressed silently, occasionally giving me odd, sad glances. He hadn't asked about catching me in my lie. He hadn't asked about my meltdown during Kellan's last song. But combined with my melancholy all week, Kellan's sudden reappearance last night at the bar, and the heartfelt glances Kellan and I gave each other at the end of the night, I could feel the unasked questions in Denny's uneasy eyes. I was terrified for the questions I felt coming closer each minute.

I changed into my pajamas equally silent, and then softly excused myself to the bathroom. He slipped under the covers and watched me leave. I left the door open, hoping to ease any suspicions he might have. That didn't stop me from glancing longingly at Kellan's door. He was leaving and I couldn't bear it. I had to find a way to stop him...somehow.

I took my time in the bathroom. I let the cold water drench my face repeatedly, hoping to wash away my fears. Kellan was leaving, Denny was horribly suspicious - my world was crashing inward.

Taking a last deep breath, that did nothing to calm me, I opened the door and walked back to Denny. He was still awake, still watching the door, waiting for me to return to him. I searched his eyes for a moment, wondering what he thought, what he felt...how much he was hurting. Why he didn't ask me...anything?

He held his arms out for me, and I crawled into them, grateful at least for some comfort from the continual assault on my emotions. It wasn't what I wanted though. His arms weren't the ones I was currently craving. That thought made my throat tight, and I was glad Denny wasn't talking. I closed my eyes and waited.

Each second felt like minutes, each minute felt like hours. I strained my hearing, to listen to Denny's breathing. Was it slow and steady? Was he asleep? Then he would shift and sigh, and I knew he was still awake. I feigned sleep the best I could, hoping he would relax and give in to slumber. I felt frustrated tears building, but I shoved them back. I wanted out of this room, but I needed to be patient.

To pass the time, I imagined what Kellan was doing over in his room. I couldn't hear his music anymore - was he asleep? Was he awake, staring at his ceiling, wondering if I was asleep in Denny's arms? Was he wishing he had never said anything this morning? Was he waiting for me to crawl into bed with him? Was he planning his departure?

Eventually Denny's breathing became slow and regular in true slumber. I opened my eyes and cautiously raised my head to look at him. His beautiful face was calm and peaceful, the first it had been since he'd caught the lie. I sighed softly, then carefully moved his arm off of me. Still asleep, he rolled over to his normal sleeping side, away from me. I waited for an achingly long time, just to be sure, and then I quietly got up. I ran through a list of excuses in my head, just in case Denny looked over at me leaving, but he didn't, and I soundlessly slipped out the door.

My heart was thudding as I opened Kellan's. I was suddenly really nervous...

Kellan was sitting on the edge of the bed, away from the door with his back to me, when I quietly entered his room. He was still dressed and he was looking at something intently in his hand. He was lost in thought, and didn't hear me approach him.

"Kellan?" I whispered.

He startled and clenched his hand, hiding whatever he had been looking at. He turned to look at me, and at the same time, shoved his hand under the mattress. "What are you doing here? We talked about this, you shouldn't be here." His face was pale and he looked dreadfully sad.

"How could you do that?"

"What?" he asked, looking both tired and confused.

"Sing that song to me...in front of everyone. You killed me." My voice broke, and I sat on the edge of the bed heavily.

He looked away from me. "It's what needs to happen, Kiera."

"You wrote that days ago...when you were gone?"

He didn't answer me for several seconds. "Yes. I know where this is going, Kiera. I know who you'll choose, who you've always chosen."

Suddenly not knowing what else to say, I blurted out, "Sleep with me tonight." My voice was thick with my churning emotions.

"Kiera, we can't..." He looked over at me, wistfully.

"No...literally. Just hold me, please."

He sighed and then laid back on his bed, holding his arms open for me. I snuggled into his side, wrapping my leg around his, my arm over his chest, and nestling my head in his shoulder. I breathed in his dizzyingly amazing scent, and raptured in his warmth and comfort. The overwhelming joy of being close to him, brought with it the heartbreaking sadness that he was leaving me.


I sniffled back a tear and he held me tighter. I felt him sigh brokenly beneath me, and I knew he was on the verge of tears, the same as me. It slipped out in my grief. "Don't leave me."

He exhaled brokenly and clutched at me, kissing my head. "Kiera..." he whispered.

I looked up into his torn face, his eyes shining with tears waiting to spill. Mine already were. "Please stay...stay with me. Don't go."

He closed his eyes, squeezing out the tears. "It's the right thing to do, Kiera."

"Baby, we're finally together, don't end this."

His eyes opened at my tender word, and he lovingly ran a finger down my cheek. "That's just it. We're not together..."

"Don't say that...we are. I just need time...and I need you to stay. I can't bear the thought of you leaving." I kissed him deeply, bringing my hands to his cheeks.

He pulled away. "You won't leave him, Kiera, and I can't share you. Where does that leave us? He's going to figure it out, if I stay. That leaves us with one option...I go." He swallowed back his emotion, as another tear fell on his cheek. "I wish things were different. I wish I'd known you first. I wish I was your first. I wish you would choose me-"

"I do!" I blurted out.

We both froze and stared at each other. Another tear dripped from his eye, as he stared at me with a look of such pain and hope, that I instantly regretted coming into his room. My panic at the thought of him leaving again, had made me blurt out something that I knew would make him stay...and I did want him to stay. I desperately wanted him to stay. I wanted to walk into Pete's on his arm. I wanted to kiss him every time I saw him. I wanted to make love without worry. I wanted to sleep in his arms every single night...

Oh god, I suddenly realized. I wanted to be...with him.

"I do choose you, Kellan," I said again, surprised at my decision, but happy I had finally made one. He was looking at me like any second I might light him on fire. "Do you understand me?" I whispered, getting concerned at his odd reaction.

Finally, he rolled over and pressed into me, grabbing my face and kissing me intensely. I could barely breathe through his enthusiasm. I ran my fingers through his hair and clutched him tight to me. His hands started pulling at my clothes. He pulled off my tank top, but before I could ask a question, his lips were back on mine. He pulled off his shirt, and again his lips were back on mine before I could speak. He deftly slipped off my pants and was working on his jeans, when I finally pushed him away.

Breathless, I gaped at him. "What happened to your...rules?"

"I never was good at following rules." He smiled and moved in to kiss me. "And I never could say no to your begging anyway..." he finished softly, kissing my neck.

He slipped off his jeans and kissed me again. "Wait..." I pushed him back again. "I thought you didn't want to do this..." I looked over at the door, "here."

He slid his hand into my underwear and I gasped. "If I'm yours and you're mine...then I will take you, wherever and whenever I can," he growled in my ear, his intensity making me moan lightly.

"I love you, Kellan," I whispered, bringing his face back to mine.

"I love you, Kiera. I will make you so happy," he whispered seriously.

I bit my lip and started pulling off his boxers. "Yes, I know you will."