Chapter 7
Mistakes
My first mistake was the bottle of wine. My second mistake was the tequila shooters... But currently, only the searing throb of my headache concerned me. The light blazing brightly through the window made my eyes water, but when I closed them, the room started to spin so much that I had to stare at one spot on the ceiling and hold my head perfectly still. I groaned. God, was I still drunk?
With only my eyes, I tried to look around the unfamiliar room. Holy crap....this isn't my bed! Looking down, and instantly regretting it as my head felt like it might explode and the room circled crazily, I noticed my naked body entangled in strange sheets. Holy crap...I'm naked!
I tried to settle my body perfectly still and think through the haze to remember last night. Oh...god...no... Suddenly, I knew exactly where I was. I looked over to the other side of the bed, but it was empty, Kellan was gone. My head, and now also my stomach, protested vehemently at the swift movement.
Damn, damn, damn, I thought, suddenly irritated. I pressed my fingers to my temple, hard, trying to forcefully stop the merciless beating. Memories flooded my brain. Like a bloody accident - I didn't want to watch, but I couldn't stop myself either.
That unbelievable first kiss - eager, intense, and so full of passion. The hand behind my neck tightening as he pulled me closer. Another hand clutching at my lower back. Him slowly pressing me back into the counter and then lifting me up onto it. My legs circling around his waist. My hands tangling in his hair. His intoxicating smell, the taste of tequila on his tongue...
The momentary memory of tequila made my stomach lurch uneasily. Not wanting to lose my stomach in his bed, I risked the horrible swirling sensation and sat up. Waiting a second, for my head to clear and then realizing it wasn't going to, I looked around for my clothes. I could only find my tank top, hanging haphazardly from his guitar by the bed. Crap.
I slowly put it back on and stood, stumbling slightly. Seriously, shouldn't I be fine by now? I looked over at the clock...2:30? Already? So much for school...my psych class was nearly over. I cautiously made my way to the door. My underwear was lying near it. I sighed and carefully leaned over to pick them up. Quickly I pulled them back on, as my stomach turned dangerously.
Somewhat dressed, I decided modesty was now the least of my problems. I had no idea where Kellan was anyway and I knew my stomach was no longer joking around. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time to heave noisily into the toilet.
Leaning my head against the cool porcelain, more memories flooded my brain.
...Kellan's hand moving across my throat, his lips following. My head falling back, eyes closing. Breathing heavy. Moaning softly. Exhaling raggedly. Pulling his shirt off. His gloriously stunning chest. Hard muscles, soft skin. Kellan's breath coming harder as my fingers moved down his chest. Him groaning lightly and pulling me closer to him. His arms sweeping around me and picking me up. Moving to the stairs...
My stomach heaved again and sweat dewed my brow. Ugh, I hate tequila. More relentless memories...
...Stumbling to the ground drunkenly on the steps and both of us laughing. Being sprawled across the steps, him heavily on top of me. Kellan mumbling "sorry" as he ran his tongue up my throat. Gasping as his arousal pressed against me. Sucking his earlobe. Warm lips on mine. Hands roughly pulling off my pants...
Oh, I thought distractedly, while my stomach flipped, that's where my pants are.
...Me trying to unbutton his jeans and laughing at my numb fingers not being able to move properly to do it. Kellan lightly sucking my bottom lip. Stroking his chest. A hand caressing my breast under my tank top. Lightly biting his shoulder. Fingers slipping into my underwear, circling the slick skin before pressing into me. The passion in his eyes as he watched my breathless reaction. Begging him to take me to his room...
Oh god, I cringed. I begged him, I actually begged him...someone please kill me now! And at that, my stomach heaved again.
...Being scooped up. My underwear being ripped off. Kellan kicking off his shoes then taking off his jeans while I laughed, since I still couldn't do it. Him laughing with me as he pulled off my tank top. A soft tongue dragging along my nipple, teasing, tasting. Playfully being pushed back onto his bed. Pulling off his boxers. Taking in the sight of his glorious, naked body. The humor ending, as things got suddenly very intense. His eyes raking over my body, his lips on every inch of me. My fingers on every inch of him, tracing every perfectly defined muscle. Kissing his strong, smooth jaw...neck...throat...chest...abdomen. The way he groaned when my tongue swirled around the tip of him...
Feeling slightly better with my stomach, I sat back on my heels and made myself remember the rest.
...Kellan flipping me to my back and pushing smoothly inside of me. Gasping with the pleasure of it. Our hips moving together. The rising and falling sensations. The pleasant noises he made. The surprising noises I made. The seemingly long time everything took, as our drunken bodies absorbed every sensation. The warmth of his breath on my neck. Grabbing his head and holding him close, as we approached the final moment - so intense, so unbelievable. Crying out in unison as we came together. Feeling the warmth of him releasing into me. Panting breathlessly with him as our hearts slowed down. Staring into each other's eyes. Losing consciousness in his arms...
I stood shakily, but more securely, and washed my face, brushed my teeth. Surprised, I realized that last night with him had been...amazing.
I walked to my room deep in thought and stopped just inside the door, looking at the perfectly made bed. All the feelings from last night, of Denny and I ending, that I had repressed with alcohol, and Kellan, came crashing down on me. I sank to my knees and sobbed.
I don't remember when, but at some point in the day, I went downstairs and grabbed my pants from the steps. I slipped them on and stood at the bottom stair, not knowing what to do now. I was desperately thirsty and my head still throbbed, but mostly, my heart ached.
I sat on the step and hung my head in my hands. Tears came again and I had the odd desire for Kellan to come home. I just wanted my friend to put an arm around me and tell me it would be okay. That I hadn't just made a monumental mistake last night in breaking up with Denny. Okay, two monumental mistakes. Kellan... I don't know what had come over me last night. Well, tequila certainly, but was that all it was? Rita would love this bit of gossip, not that I ever intended to tell her. There had been so many warnings, and I had ignored them all. It was literally written on the wall that he was kind of a dog, who routinely slept around. And then there had been the...misunderstanding with his ex-roommate, Joey. Apparently, it was a pattern with him.
Great, now, not only am I completely alone, but like Joey, he'll probably ask me to leave. I'll be homeless too. That didn't seem quite right in my head. I had never seen him be anything but nice to people. Well, he liked to tease me relentlessly, but not in a cruel way. I couldn't see him just ruthlessly chucking me out, with nowhere to go. But he could make me so uncomfortable that I would want to leave. I wanted to leave now... The thought of his surely smug, amused smile had my stomach in knots. One more notch in his bedpost, I thought glumly. Where was he anyway? Was seeing me so horrible to him, that he was purposely keeping away?
I'm such an idiot. I vowed to never drink tequila again.
Finally, I picked my wallowing body up and got the glass of water that I was so desperately craving. I ended up drinking three. I plugged the phone back in and stared at it for a good twenty minutes. I desperately wanted to call Denny, to tell him that I needed him and I'd made a huge mistake last night - an even bigger one than Denny was aware of. I couldn't though. My guilt was too great to talk to him. After another five minutes of blankly staring at the stupid thing, I forced myself back upstairs and into the shower, thinking I could wash away my despair. It did nothing for me though. Afterwards, I lay down in my bed, staring at a picture of Denny and me on his nightstand, and cried, yet again.
Eventually, I had to move on from my despair, into a brand new one. I had to go to work. Numbly I dressed, arranged my hair into a loose, messy ponytail and threw on some makeup. I looked horrible, I felt horrible, but at least the room had stopped spinning and my stomach had stopped turning. Now if only I could do something about my heart...
I arrived at Pete's late and hurried past Rita. I didn't need her inferring anything about my looks right now. My stomach was in knots as I threw my jacket in the backroom. I had no idea if Kellan would come in tonight or not? Would it be weird seeing him...after seeing so much of him? That thought made me blush as I walked back into the bar. I swept an eye over the tables, but he wasn't there, none of the band was. I took a deep breath and forced all thoughts of Denny and Kellan to the back of my mind.
I managed to make it through half of my shift in a calm sort of numbness. I only lost it when Jenny pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. The tears immediately started falling as I repeated the conversation Denny and I'd had last night. She swiftly gave me a hug, which brought even more tears, and told me that everything would be fine. That Denny and I were perfect for each other and things would work out. She smiled at me so reassuringly, that I felt a tiny spark of hope that maybe things would be okay. Then I remembered the second part of that evening. As Jenny gave me one final hug, I considered telling her.
"Jenny..."
She pulled back and looked at me sweetly, waiting. Her face was so open and honest. She was the best sort of person, and I began to feel even more horrid looking at her. She probably wouldn't understand...she would look at me differently. Maybe she would even think the worst of me and stop being my friend. A part of me doubted that she would judge me that harshly, but I felt pretty harsh on myself at that minute, and didn't want to risk anyone else thinking that way about me. No, I couldn't tell anyone about Kellan.
"Thank you for listening."
"Anytime, Kiera." She smiled and hugged me again and we both continued on our shifts.
About an hour later, a sound came through the front door that made me stop breathing. Evan walked through the door with his big, booming laugh. Matt followed quickly behind, ducking through the door and past Evan, laughing just as much. Numbly, I watched them. Two down...two to go. Griffin came in a few seconds later, looking really pissed off. He glared at Evan and Matt, who were still laughing...apparently at him. Flipping them both off, he turned and headed for their regular table. I stared stupidly at the door while Evan and Matt followed Griffin, still laughing. One to go. I kept staring at the door, but nothing happened. Shaking my head and feeling a little stupid, I realized he wasn't coming, he wasn't here. Was he avoiding me at the bar too? Somehow, that seemed worse than him avoiding me at home. I could feel the tears reforming.
Jenny came up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You don't look so good...you alright?"
I blinked back those tears. "Yeah, I'm fine." The roller coaster of recent emotions was taking its toll - I was exhausted.
Jenny seemed to see that. "Go home, Kiera."
I shook my head, I could do this. "I'm fine, Jenny...just a long day. I'll get through it."
She started turning me towards the backroom. "Go, its dead tonight...I'll cover for you." She kept her hands on my shoulders, until I reached the hallway that led to the back.
"Jenny, really, it's not necessary."
"I know, I know...you're tough, you can stick it out..." She smiled at me mockingly. "Just go home...you can cover for me tomorrow, if you want, and I'll leave early."
I laughed a little. I was suddenly very tired and it sounded like a great idea. "Yeah...fine, okay."
I don't remember the drive home; one minute I was in the parking lot saying goodbye to Jenny, who said she'd check on me tomorrow, and the next, I was approaching the driveway, looking over at the empty spot where Kellan's car usually rested. Still not home. That irritated me a bit, then it made me sad, then it made me even more tired. I drug myself into the house and up into my room. Hastily, I changed into my pajamas and collapsed into bed. A few more tears leaked out, before I finally faded into sleep.
Light footsteps on the stairs woke me, what felt like seconds later. Kellan must finally have come home. I looked over at the clock - 11:10pm. Maybe he figured I was safely asleep by now and he wouldn't have to see me. I fought back the sudden tears of loneliness stinging my eyes. I should have stayed at work...
Oddly, the door to my room quietly cracked open. Great, he is going to ask me to leave, and he's going to do it now. Well, that's just a perfect end to my perfect day. Here Kellan, my heart is already broken, can you please rip it into tiny shreds for me? Maybe he'll go away, wait until morning, if he thinks I'm sleeping. The thought gave me a sliver of hope and I held perfectly still, making sure my breathing stayed slow and even.
It wasn't going to work. Now he was sitting on the bed beside me. Jerk, I thought, irritated. He seriously can't wait to crush me until morning? I resisted the urge to sigh and tell him to go back to his room. That I would leave tomorrow. That I was not going to inconvenience him by staying. But I was still hoping he'd go away, so I kept up my fake-sleep.
His hand rested on my shoulder and I had to strongly resist jerking my body away from his touch. "Kiera?" An all too familiar accent pierced my dark thoughts.
Shock opened my eyes and turned my body around to the figure sitting next to me on the bed.
"Denny...?" Tears were in my eyes immediately. Was I still sleeping? Was he real?
He smiled, his warm eyes glistening as well. "Hey," he whispered.
"What...why...how...?" I couldn't quite form a coherent question in my confusion.
He put his hand on my cheek and brushed away a tear. "You're my heart," was all he said.
Sobbing, I sat up and threw my arms around his neck. "Denny..." I brokenly tried to speak, "I'm so sorry..." In my head, I was more sorry for Kellan, than for our fight, but I wasn't about to tell him that.
"Shhhh..." He held me close, rocking me gently and stroking my hair. "I'm here...it's okay."
I pulled back to look at him, tears on his cheeks now too. "You came back...for me?"
He sighed and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. "Of course...did you think I wouldn't? That I would let you slip away? I love you..." His voice broke a little at the end.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Your job?"
He sighed again. "I told them no."
Sudden despair for my selfishness overwhelmed me. Two years...it had seemed an eternity last night, but with him now in my arms, it seemed like a ridiculously short amount of time. "I'm so sorry. I overreacted. Of course you should take the job. Call them back! Two years - it's nothing. This is your dream..." Panic was leaking into my guilt.
"Kiera..." He stopped me softly. "They offered it to someone else already."
"Oh." I bit my lip. "Your internship?"
He sighed once again. "No, they gave that to someone else when I took the job."
I couldn't say anything else as the facts settled in my brain. He gave up all of it...for me. The dream internship, which had been our reason for moving here, the once in a lifetime job, that no intern had ever been offered. All of it - gone, because I couldn't wait two short years, and he wouldn't let me go.
The tears of grief and guilt assaulted me again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Denny. I'm sorry..." I repeated it over and over while he held me to his shoulder. When the tears over my selfishness finally subsided, the tears over being with Kellan last night during our "brief" time apart, broke me down again.
Denny simply held me, telling me over and over that everything would be okay, that we were together and that was all that mattered. Eventually, and more to distract me than anything I think, he lightly grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a long, sweet kiss.
The warmth, the familiarity, the comfort in that kiss silenced my guilt-soaked brain for a moment. Then as his lips parted and his tongue lightly found mine, another section of my brain woke up. Desire flooded me and I kissed him eagerly. I couldn't stop the last few tears that rolled down my cheek though and he tenderly brushed them away with his thumb.
He lowered me back onto the pillows and kissed my lips, my jaw, my forehead, all the while still stroking my cheek. I ran my hand through his hair, down his cheek, along his jaw - the familiar hairline soft under my fingertips, across his lips. I couldn't believe he was actually here.
I pushed the grief and guilt and horror at what I had done last night to the very back part of my mind. I would deal with it later - this moment was all I could concentrate on now. I pulled his wandering lips back to mine and kissed him fiercely. He made a pleasant noise in the back of his throat, his breath quickened.
I pushed him back a little bit and pulled the covers away from me. He had been too far from me for too long. I needed him much closer. "Come here."
He stood up for a minute and smoothly undressed then crawled under the covers with me, wrapping his arms around me. He nestled in to kiss my neck. "I missed you," he breathed across my skin.
My breath caught and I blinked away a quick tear. Later, I reprimanded myself. "I missed you, so much, Denny," I sighed, bringing him back to my mouth. It was as if his lips were oxygen and I was suffocating, I couldn't stop kissing him. It was all I wanted. All I needed was his soft lips on mine, his tongue lightly brushing mine. My mind started relaxing into him, slowly stopped thinking.
His hands started pulling down my pants, slowly, gently. I sighed and kissed him harder. He slipped them off and started back up for my underwear. My mind snapped awake as I suddenly got scared that he would somehow know. That he would have some sixth sense that told him I had been unfaithful to him. But he pulled my underwear off without hesitation. His lips never left mine, his breath was still heavy. He didn't hate me, he still wanted me.
His fingers slipped inside me and my mind completely shut off - I didn't care anymore.
I took off my tank top, needing to feel all of my skin pressed against his. His lips finally left mine and trailed down my neck, down my chest. His lips teasing and nibbling my breast, his fingers sliding along my wet skin, raised my desire for him and I moaned his name. "Denny..."
He stopped swirling his tongue around my nipple and looked back up at my face. I pulled him back up to my lips. "I need you..." I whispered. I meant it in every way those words could be interpreted.
Gently he moved over me and his fingers were replaced with something far more satisfying. I gasped and closed my eyes as he slid into me. A shudder passed through my body as he began to move. The ache of my loneliness over the past weeks crept up on me unexpectedly and one tear escaped my eye. "God, I missed you..."
He bent over to my ear. "I love you," he whispered raggedly.
All too soon, my desire for him rose along with his. I couldn't hold back the sounds, I didn't want to. For that perfect moment, I didn't care where I was or who else was there, I only cared that Denny was here with me, finally. We finished together and afterwards, he held me in his arms for a long time, stroking my hair and kissing my temple, until sleep eventually took him.
I, however, was suddenly wide awake.
The room, filled only with the sound of Denny's light breathing, was suddenly suffocating to me. My guilt, my grief, that I had somehow managed to push away from me, was springing back. Not wanting to wake Denny, not wanting him to question my despair, I quietly tossed my clothes back on and left the room, shutting the door as smoothly as I could behind me. Not looking at Kellan's door, I made my way down the stairs. I made it all the way to the living room, before the first tears started to fall.
It was seeing Denny's bags placed behind the chair, his jacket, thrown over the back of it, that finally released the wall holding back my tears of guilt. I sank into the chair, nestled my head in the cool sleeve, and sobbed. What felt like hours later, I was still sitting in the chair, deep in thought and despair and guilt, when a soft knock on the door awoke me from my despondency. Wondering who could possibly be knocking at this hour, and hoping they didn't wake Denny, I brushed away my tears and quietly went over and opened the door.
A worn looking Sam stood there, supporting a very drunk looking Kellan. "I think this belongs to you." Not waiting for the shock to slide from my face, he stepped inside and half-dragged Kellan to the living room, shoving him down into the chair. "There, all yours."
I stared at Kellan in disbelief. He had definitely been a touch drunk last night, but I had never seen him anywhere close to this bad before. He hunched over in the chair with his head hanging down, like he had lost the ability to sit straight. "What happened?"
"Uh, whiskey, I'm pretty sure. I don't know, found him like this." He shrugged his massive shoulders.
"You found him?"
"Yeah, wasn't hard. Nearly tripped over him, sprawled on my doorstep as he was." He turned to leave, running a hand over his shaved head and then down his tired face. "Well, I got the idiot home. I've got to get some sleep, I'm beat."
"Wait! What am I supposed...?" I let it trail off as Sam disappeared through the door. "Great..."
I walked back to where Kellan was still collapsed on the chair, wondering what had happened to him. Probably out partying with some girls. The thought irritated me and then I was irritated for being irritated. I smacked his thigh. "Kellan..."
He slowly raised his head, his eyes squinting in the soft light from the lamp. "Hey, it's my roomie..." He stressed the last word oddly and bit his bottom lip. Drunkenly, he stood up, or attempted to anyway. He collapsed back down in the chair, looking surprised.
I sighed and held out my hand. "Here, let me help you."
Anger flashed in his eyes as he looked up at me. "I don't need your help." He nearly spat the words at me.
Startled, I dropped my hand and watched him successfully stand up...and immediately start to tip over. I quickly helped him steady himself, putting my shoulder under his, my hand on his chest, supporting his weight... whether he wanted it or not. He sagged into me a little and made no move to push me away.
He smelled horrible - like whiskey and vomit. Again, I wondered what the heck he had been doing. "Come on." I pulled him towards the stairs. Being so close to him again, brought images of last night to my mind. I still wasn't sure what to feel about that, other than guilty. I pushed it further back in my head. I couldn't deal with that yet.
Somehow I managed to get him up the stairs. For every two steps he clumsily took up a stair, he seemed to take one backward. At about the half-way point, he started to sink down and I feared for a minute that he was going to collapse on the stairs, on top of me. That brought to mind such a vivid memory, that I blushed and smacked him on the chest to keep him walking forward. He didn't say anything, but glanced over at me, seemingly torn between irritation and another emotion I couldn't even begin to guess. Near the top, we crashed into the wall rather noisily and I froze, looking over at my door, praying Denny didn't wake up. Kellan followed my gaze but I couldn't see his expression, I was too intently watching the door. Not hearing any movements, I exhaled deeply and glanced up at Kellan, who had turned to stare blankly at the floor.
Wanting to help him in some way, I thought maybe showering away the smell permeated on him would ease his pain in the morning, since waking up that gross wasn't going to be good on his stomach. I dragged him to the bathroom and set him on the toilet. He watched me quietly with unfocused eyes. I ran the water, wondering if he would be able to do this without killing himself. I blushed suddenly, wondering if I was going to have to undress him. He took the option away from me by standing awkwardly and stepping over the tub rim into the shower, fully dressed. He slumped against the far wall and sank down into the tub, closing his eyes and letting the water drench him. The water streamed down his face, his wet hair clinging to his skin, his lips partly open, breathing shallowly. His soaked shirt clung to his body. He was gorgeous, even stumbling drunk.
I sighed again. His boots were far enough from the water that I was able to get them and his socks off before they were completely soaked. I contemplated what else to do for him. I brought my hands back to his face and ran my fingers through his hair, letting the water soak in completely. He sighed, eyes still closed. I couldn't stop the memory of clutching his hair last night. I swallowed the lump in my throat painfully.
He had gotten so still, that I was afraid he had passed out. Moving him would be impossible on my own. I would have to get Denny. What if Kellan let something slip around him? What if he flat-out told him? I desperately did not want Denny to know. He had actually come back for me. Given up everything and returned...just for me. It would kill him if he found out.
I shut off the water, but he didn't move. I brushed some strands of hair away from his eyes, still no movement. "Kellan..." I lightly smacked his cheek - nothing. "Kellan..." I smacked him a little harder. He moaned softly, and then groggily opened his eyes. He tried to focus on my face, then blinked his eyes excruciatingly slow and shook his head a little.
"Come on." I tugged at his shoulder, wondering if I'd be able to get him back out of the shower. I had tried to help him, make tomorrow slightly better for him, but now it didn't seem like such a great plan. Finally, my tugging got a response, and he slowly rose and exited the shower, stumbling and dripping water everywhere. I dried as much from him (and myself) as I could, finishing by scrubbing his hair a little and then running my fingers back through it. He looked a little pained when I did that, so I stopped.
I took his hand and led him back to his room. I had so many questions to ask him, but he didn't seem eager to speak, and before things had gotten...intense between us last night, he had been respectful of my silence. I could at least do the same now.
Being in his room with him again, brought back even more memories that I didn't want to have right now. They got especially vivid when Kellan took off his shirt. I turned and headed back to the door when he started unbuttoning his jeans. As I was closing his door though, I couldn't help but leave it slightly cracked and watch him. He started taking his jeans off, stumbling, and having a little trouble with the wet fabric. I considered going back to help him, but he finally managed on his own. Just in his boxers, he stood staring at his bed.
Suddenly, he ran his hand through his wet hair and turned to look at the door. I didn't know if he could see me though the crack. I didn't think so, with how difficult it had been for him to focus on me in the shower. I felt a little guilty watching him without him knowing, but I was just so curious as to what he was doing, I couldn't stop.
His face was unreadable. He simply looked at the door, then back to his bed, then the door again. One last time he looked at his bed and then he seemed to lose the battle against gravity, falling heavily on top of the sheets.
I watched for a few moments longer. When his breathing was slow and even, I figured he had finally passed out and I crept back into his room. I paused, watching his aching perfection in slumber. Finally, I fixed the messy pile of sheets around him until he was covered. Watching over him, I had a crazy desire to kiss him. I sat on the edge of his bed, sighed softly and leaned in to kiss his forehead. I brushed his hair back and stroked his cheek, wondering where he went today...if he had thought about our night together at all. Should I have told him Denny came back? Would he tell Denny? Would things change?
He stirred and I pulled my hand from his cheek. His hazy eyes found mine and I froze. "Don't worry," he mumbled. "I won't tell him." Then his eyes closed and he passed out.
I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering about that. Would he really not tell him? How did he even know he was back? What would tomorrow be like...?