Thoughtless

Chapter 10

Hot and Hotter

There were three things that I noticed when my mind slowly started coming to life again in the morning. The first was that my body was sore. Apparently the previous night was rougher than I had remembered. Oh god...had I actually asked him to be rough with me? What the hell was that about? Unwillingly, thoughts of Kellan's hands and lips flooded my brain. I swallowed hard and forcibly changed the directions of my thoughts.

The second thing I noticed was that my stomach still felt as if I might lose whatever was left sloshing around in there. My eyes were finally dry though, I thought in relief. Convincing Denny that I went to the parking lot feeling ill, and not wanting to lose my dinner in front of a crowd, had been easier than I ever thought it could be.

He hadn't hesitated, never even doubted my story, just sweetly helped me into his car and took me straight home. I hadn't been able to keep from stealing a painful peek at the espresso stand as we drove by it. I couldn't help but wonder if Kellan was still in there, kneeling on the floor, waiting for the blood on his back to dry. I'd had to put a hand to my stomach then, and pushed down hard to stop it from rising. Denny had glanced at me, worried, and then quickly sped off. He had only asked briefly about Kellan. I told him I'd left him at the table and who knows where he had run off to. Surprisingly my voice had stayed even. Rough, but even. He had taken no notice of my tone. Either that, or he had brushed it off as not feeling well.

Once home, he had gently helped me change clothes and then lain me in bed. I hadn't been able to take his sweetness, the adoring way he had looked at me. I had wanted him to yell, to be cruel. I deserved that, and so much more. The tears had started anew then, so I rolled over on my side, away from him, and feigned sleep. He had lovingly kissed my shoulder before joining me in bed and I spent the next several hours crying softly into my pillow.


I had assumed upon first waking that Kellan had gone straight from the bar to wherever he was headed. Obviously he wouldn't ever want to see me again, or ever face Denny again. Not after what he, what we, had done. Our first time had been a drunken mistake while Denny and I had been on a break, albeit a short one. This time was different. This was a clear betrayal.

This brought me startlingly to my third observation. I could hear the sounds of Denny and Kellan talking, even laughing, downstairs. I sat bolt upright in bed and listened harder. No screaming or yelling. No anger of any kind. Was he seriously having a casual Sunday morning conversation with the best friend he had just stabbed in the back?

I stood quickly and ran to the bathroom. I looked like death. My eyes were worn and bloodshot, my hair a mess of tangles. I ran a brush through my thick locks, splashed cool water on my face, and sloppily brushed my teeth. Not great, but better, and I was pretending to have just been sick after all. I took a quick peek at my thigh and damn if there wasn't a bruise there. I bit my lip and my stomach churned again at the sight. Hastily adjusting my clothes, I decided to just leave my pajamas on. It wasn't unusual for me to lounge about in my sleep pants anyway, and really, I was just too morbidly curious to wait any longer.

I flew down the stairs and then nearly fell as I suddenly stopped myself at the last step. With a purposely deep inhale, I struggled to slow my too fast lungs and surging heartbeat. Maybe Kellan was here because last night was just some horrible dream that never actually happened? If my body weren't bruised and delightfully sore, and if that realization didn't turn my stomach sour, I might have believed it.

Slowly, I made my way to the kitchen and crept around the corner. Yep, there had to be some way last night was just a dream. Either that or I was dreaming now.

Denny was leaning against the counter, calmly drinking a mug of tea. He smiled over at me when he noticed my quiet entrance. "Good morning, sleepy. Feeling any better?" His charming accent was luxuriously rich this morning, but nothing inside me enjoyed it, for someone else was staring at me too.

Kellan was sitting casually at the kitchen table, one hand idly stroking his full cup of coffee, the other resting calmly in his lap. His eyes must have been in my direction since before I even entered the room, for they were instantly locked onto mine. They were a perfect tranquil blue this morning, calm and untroubled, but still oddly cold. One side of his mouth curled upwards in a slight smile that did nothing to warm his eyes.

Finally remembering that Denny had asked me a question, I quickly looked over at him and said, "Yes, much better." I sat in a chair opposite Kellan and his eyes followed me the entire way. What on earth was he thinking? Was he trying to be obvious? Did he want Denny to know? I sneaked a quick peek at Denny. He was still leaning against the counter, drinking his tea and watching the news playing on the TV in the living room. He had been awake for awhile it would seem; he was showered and dressed for the day, his worn jeans hugging him perfectly, the simple gray shirt he wore showing off every muscle. He really was quite beautiful, I thought sadly.

I sighed guiltily and looked away. Unfortunately, I had somehow forgotten that Kellan was still sitting across from me, staring, and I looked over at him. I couldn't pull away from his gaze this time. His eyes narrowed as they studied mine, his smile gone. He looked the same as last night, the exact same I realized with a small shock. He hadn't changed clothes. He still wore his white shirt, the long sleeves pushed up to just below the elbows. He still had on the same faded blue jeans. Even his tousled hair was styled in exactly the same way as when my fingers had been knotted in them. He looked like he had just gotten home. I wanted to scream at him, ask him why the hell he was still here! Why was he staring holes into me with Denny standing just a few feet away?

Kellan finally looked away from me, just a half-second before Denny turned to me. I hadn't been quick enough and Denny caught me staring at Kellan, in what I had to believe looked like anger. Kellan's small smile came back just as I turned to look at Denny. Stupid irritating smile.

"Do you want me to make you anything to eat?" Denny asked, watching to see if any signs of sickness were still with me.

"No, that's alright. I'm really not feeling up to food yet." I did still feel nauseous, just not for the reasons he imagined.

"Coffee?" He pointed to the nearly full pot next to him.

The smell hit me then, and I thought I might lose the precious control on my stomach right there. I would never be able to think of coffee the same way again, much less drink it. "No," I whispered, my face surely pale.

Denny didn't notice my pallor. He set down his empty mug and straightening, walked over to me. "All right." He leaned down to kiss my forehead and I thought from the corner of my eye I saw Kellan twitch. "Let me know when you do get hungry. I'll make you whatever you want." He smiled and walked by me into the living room. Lying back causally on the couch, he flipped the station over to the sports channel.

I held my breath. I wanted to go join Denny on the couch, snuggle up in his arms and doze off while he watched TV. It sounded so warm and inviting, so comforting. But guilt kept me seated in my chair. I didn't deserve him, his warmth and caring. I deserved the cold hardness of the kitchen chair. I swallowed roughly and looked down at the table, glad that I had no more tears to spill.

Kellan cleared his throat softly. I startled, again in my wallowing forgetting that he was there. He looked over at Denny on the couch briefly then back to my eyes. I thought I saw a moment of pain pass his face, but it was gone before I could be sure. Not wanting to, but not being able to stop it, I thought about last night again. I thought about the last time I had seen him, his back torn and bloody from my fingers. My eyes flicked to his shirt. I couldn't see much from this angle, but his shirt was clean as far as I could tell...no blood stains anyway.

He smiled crookedly at me, his eyes warming for the first time, and I got the distinct impression he knew exactly what I was looking for. I blushed and tried to turn my head away from him, without turning it towards Denny's direction.

"A little late for modesty, don't you think?" he whispered to me, still smiling that wholly irritating and fabulous half-smile.

My eyes snapped back to his, shocked again. Were we seriously going to have this conversation here? Now? I tried to gauge whether his voice had been loud enough to carry into the next room and be heard over the TV. It didn't seem possible that it had.

"Have you lost your freaking mind?" I tried to match his volume, but irritation was winning over every other emotion in my head and the words seemed much too loud to me. "What are you doing here?" I managed much more quietly.

He cocked his head adorably to the side. "I live here...remember?"

I could have slapped him. I really wanted to, but the thought of inviting Denny's curiosity, and most likely his disapproval, stayed my hand. Instead, I locked my fingers together, halting the temptation. "No, you were leaving...remember? Big, brooding, dramatic exit...ringing any bells?" My irritation was apparently bringing sarcasm right along with it.

He laughed once quietly. "Things changed. I was very compellingly asked to stay." He smiled wickedly and bit his lip.

My breathing stopped and I closed my eyes briefly to block out his perfect face. "No. No, there are no reasons for you to be here." I opened my eyes to find him still smiling seductively at me. He must have snapped last night, that was the only explanation for the sudden change in his behavior. I risked a glance at Denny, but he was still blissfully watching sports.


When I looked back, Kellan stopped smiling and leaned toward me intently. "I was wrong before. Maybe you do want this. It's worth it to me to stay and find out." He was whispering, but I felt like he had just shouted the words across the room.

"No!" I sputtered, for a second having no idea what else to say. Composing myself, I added, "You were right. I want Denny. I choose Denny." I pleaded with him quietly, not even daring a glance at the living room, in case Denny had heard his name being mentioned.

He smiled slightly and reached out to touch my cheek. Instinctively, I wanted to pull away, to finally reach over and slap him, but I couldn't make my body listen. Why did my body never listen to me anymore? Stupid defiant body. His fingertips traced a line from my jaw to my lips. Instantly at his touch, I felt the fire of remembered passion shoot through me. My lips parted as his fingers glided over them and I half closed my eyes with the pleasure of it, but snapped them back open at the sound of his small chuckle.

"We'll see," he said casually, pulling his hand back to his lap and leaning back in his chair with a smug, triumphant look on his face. Stupid, stupid defiant body.

"And him?" I jerked my head in Denny's direction.

His smile dropped and his eyes lowered to the table. His voice came out pained, but steady. "I had a lot of time to think last night." He looked back up into my eyes. "I won't hurt him unnecessarily. I won't tell him, if you don't want me to."

"No, I don't want him to know," I whispered, glad once again that I had no tears left. "What do you mean...unnecessarily? What do you think we are now?"

His smile came back and he reached across the table to hold my hand. I flinched back, but he grabbed it securely and stroked my fingers. "Well...right now, we are friends." He eyed me up and down in a way that made me blush. "Good friends."

I gaped at him, not sure how to respond to that...then my anger flared. "You said we weren't friends. Just roommates, remember." I couldn't quite keep the venom from my tone.

He cocked his head to the side in a distractingly attractive way. "You changed my mind. You can be very...persuasive." He dropped his voice seductively. "Would you like to persuade me again sometime?"

Abruptly I stood, the chair squeaking noisily against the floor as I did. Kellan calmly released my hand and watched me, while Denny called in from the living room, "You okay?"

"Yes," I called back, feeling more than a little stupid. "Just going upstairs to take a shower. I have to get ready for work...for Emily's shift." I had the sudden urge to wash every bit of Kellan off of me. I glanced over at Denny. He had already turned back to the TV, completely oblivious to the mood in the kitchen.

"Would you like me to join you? We could continue our...conversation," Kellan whispered, grinning devilishly as my heartbeat irritatingly quickened. I gave him one last glare, then strode stubbornly from the room.

I mulled over the problem that was Kellan while I took an obscenely long time getting ready for my shift. What had I done? What on earth was I thinking? I should have let him leave...why couldn't I? Why had I been incapable of letting him slip into his car and why did I let him slip into my...

I sighed. I really didn't want to think about that right now, my stomach hurt enough.

He had just said the oddest thing in the kitchen too. What was it...maybe you do want this? This? What did he think we were...besides a disastrous mistake. Well, apparently we were friends now, according to him. It irritated me a little that that was what it took for Kellan to consider me a friend. In my head, we were the entire time. And now we were good friends? And he may not have said it, but I sure heard it, like he had shouted it from the rooftops - good friends...with benefits. Well, sorry, I thought, as I harshly brushed my hair and threw it up in a ponytail, we are not those kinds of friends. Well, not again anyway.

Denny gave me a ride to work, but was called by Max just as he was parking his car to come inside with me. Shaking his head irritably, he sighed and told me he had to go in for a few hours, but he would pick me up after my shift. I nodded and said that was fine. What I had done to him had pretty much evaporated any resentment I may have had at Max, for taking away his time. What I had done to him was so much worse. I still felt ill. I clutched my stomach lightly as I watched his taillights pull out of the parking lot. A part of me was relieved to see the lights fade away; I needed to struggle through my guilt alone.

And at Pete's on a day shift, I was pretty much alone. Not physically of course, the place had a fairly brisk lunch crowd, but I didn't know any of these people. If Pete's is a large family, then the day shift and the night shift were distant cousins. Yeah, we saw each other on holidays, but we really didn't hang out much. The bartender on shift was an attractive man who nodded politely at me as I entered the bar. I believe his name was...Troy...but I wasn't sure enough to call him that. No need to look like an idiot by calling someone the wrong name. "Hey" would work for now. The two other waitresses on staff were older, and had apparently been here since the beginning of time. Both had gray, fuzzy hair and called everybody "Hun" or "Sweetie", so I decided they wouldn't be offended if I called them that. They were really nice though and I felt comfortable pretty quickly.

The crowd that came in was different too. The night crowd was mostly drinkers. These people were mostly...eaters. I popped my head into the kitchen more times that one afternoon than my entire time at Pete's. The evening kitchen was run by a shy guy named Scott. He was tall and lanky and oddly thin for a cook, but man, could he cook. Pete's put out some of the best "bar" food in the area. The reason for Scott's talent in the kitchen, ran it during the day - his dad, Sal. Sal was equally tall and equally oddly thin, and was an equally (if not maybe a little better) amazing cook. He was a funny guy though, and always had a joke and a wink whenever I came in with an order.

Things were running smoothly and I was enjoying my shift with my extended family, when I swear I could feel the air molecules thicken. I knew before I saw. I knew the very second Kellan Kyle walked into the bar.

He came up right behind me and I didn't turn to help him. He could sit and wait like everyone else...preferably, not in my section. He didn't though. He just continued to stand behind me as I waited at the bar for some sodas. I noticed that Troy was eyeing him with a half-smile and that irritated me a little. Was everyone attracted to this man? Eventually, I felt a hand curl around my upper thigh...around my bruised upper thigh. I stiffened and turned to face him. I had planned on slapping him, but seeing him caught my breath, quickened my heart, and I dropped my hand.

He was freshly showered, his hair wild and messy, but still damp around the edges. He had on midnight black jeans that sharpened the contrasting redness of his perfectly tight t-shirt - a shirt that teasingly showcased every curved layer of his broad shoulders, emphasized the amazing Pecs that any male model would kill for. But it wasn't his smoking body that held my attention. It was the eyes. They practically...simmered as he held my thigh, a crooked grin on his lips as he studied me.

I hastily brushed his hand from my leg, hoping that the loss of contact would calm my wildly beating heart. That may have worked, except he snatched my fingers instead. From the corner of my eye, I could see Troy watch us curiously. Well, Troy watched Kellan curiously.


"What are you doing here?" I said lowly, trying to separate my fingers from his.

"I was hungry. I heard the food is good here, and the staff is...accommodating." His grin widened as he managed to interlace our fingers together.

I gaped at his comment. "Accomm... " I couldn't even finish the word as I started blushing and stammering. He laughed once and then tucked a strand of hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ear. I actually closed my eyes it felt so nice, but then I sprang them open immediately and yanked my hand from his. "Then go sit down! Your waitress will be with you shortly."

He smiled and shrugged. "All right." He flicked a glance up at Troy, nodded politely at him with a small smile on his lips, and then sauntered back to his regular table. God, was there anyone the man would not flirt with?

I avoided it as long as I could. I helped everyone else in the bar, as he watched me with a smug smile on his face, arms crossed over his chest. He was enjoying my reluctance to be near him entirely too much. More to get him out of the bar than to actually help him, or as he put it, "accommodate him", I finally approached his table.

"What can I do for you?"

He raised an eyebrow at that and I blushed fiercely. Focusing my mind on the pad of paper in my hands, I tried to block out the intimate thought he had just successfully put in my head. Ugh, why did my brain go to such a dirty place when he was around? Why was his in such a dirty place all the time?

"I'll take a burger...fries...beer..." He let the tail end of that sentence trail off, like there was more to it, and I'm sure I blushed even deeper.

"Great. I'll get that started for you," I whispered.

I turned to make my hasty exit when he stopped me. "Kiera?" Reluctantly, I turned back to him. "Do you have any aspirin here?" He cringed and brought a hand to his shoulder blade. "My back is really killing me." He grinned wickedly at the end of that and my heart stuttered.

The image of me digging my nails deep in his flesh leapt into my head so vividly, that I thought I might lose the ability to keep standing. I gasped and did the girly hand over the mouth thing, and then turned and fled without answering him. Embarrassment flashed through me, followed by guilt, followed by...desire? I hurried to get his order placed, praying he would leave soon.

Finally, and after an agonizingly long lunch that would have rivaled any seven course meal, both in length and in personal attention (not only did Hun bring him a glass of water and Sweetie refill it, since it was clear I wasn't going anywhere near his table again, but Troy personally brought him another beer, a small, shy smile on his lips as he handed it to him and a charmingly crooked grin on Kellan's, as he accepted it) he stood to leave the bar. All of it made me roll my eyes. If anyone needed personal attention less...it was Kellan.

Coming over to me, he silently slipped a bill in my pocket. I hadn't even gone over to bring him his check...and honestly, he could probably start a tab and have Pete send him a statement monthly, he was here so darn much. He only smiled as he paid me and then turned to leave the bar, which I swear made Troy sigh. I grabbed it from my pocket and started walking around the bar to the register (my sigh from relief that he'd finally left), when I noticed what bill he had given me. A fifty.

A fifty? Really. Instantly irritated, I stormed out of the bar.

The harsh crunch of my footsteps on the pavement, matched my annoyed mood and courage shot through me with each step. I walked, well, strode would be more accurate, right over to where he had his hand on the handle of his black, impossibly sexy Chevelle. He heard my approach, or was expecting it, and turned to look at me, a small smile touching the corners of his lips. That smile slipped when he noticed my expression - which was most definitely not a smile. He straightened and waited with an odd look in his eyes.

I stopped nearly toe to toe with him. "What is this?" I held up the offending bill.

The small smile reappeared on his lips. "Well, ummm...it's a fifty dollar bill. You exchange it for goods and or services."

I took a deep calming breath. Smart ass. How many times would I feel like slapping this man today? "I know that," I said through clenched teeth. "What is it for?"

He cocked his head and smiled fully. "It's for you...and my bill. Obviously."

I took another deep breath. "Why? I barely waited on you. I didn't even bring you your food." I had let Hun take care of that, faking an emergent need to use the bathroom.

He frowned slightly, leaning against his car and crossing his arms over his chest. "Sometimes a tip is just a tip, Kiera."

Yeah, right. Not with him...not today, not after last night. Ignoring how attractive he looked, leaned back casually against his car like that, I snapped at him, "What is it for!"

His voice oddly serious, but his face casually smiling, he said, "For everything you've done for me."

I immediately threw it back at him and stormed into the bar. He may have said it with a sweet smile on his face, but I felt the insult behind it. And it hurt that he felt the need to...compensate me, for anything.

Denny picked me up after work and told me about his vital assignment that couldn't wait until Monday - it involved flowers and an impossibly difficult to reserve restaurant for some girl that Max was currently attempting to win over. Denny looked as happy about that as I did. I faked a smile for him though, and reassured him that at least his day was over. Guilt mixed with tension as I realized that my horrid day would only continue, we were headed straight back to where Kellan was.

But he wasn't home when we got there. When he still wasn't home when I was getting ready for bed, I started getting irritated. Was he out with the guys, or out with a girl? I pushed the irritation aside. Did it matter? It was when I was about to wash my face, and hopefully wash away my stress, when I found the paper hiding behind my cleanser. It was a note in Kellan's neat handwriting that simply read, "I meant no offense," and a twenty dollar bill was tucked inside it.

Wow...a pseudo-apology. That's new.

The next morning I was a little more rational about the tip incident and I felt sort of stupid for how I had acted or overreacted. Maybe he had just meant to be nice with a large tip, and it in no way was a reference to our night together. It was so hard to tell with him sometimes, especially with how mean he had been after our first time sleeping together. Ugh, I hated that I now had a first time and a second time to reference. At least there would be no third. Nope, no trifecta here.

I went downstairs cautiously, wondering what Kellan I would see today. He was, as usual, already there and drinking his coffee at the table, smiling casually and watching me silently as I entered. I was glad for his silence, happy that he wasn't going to mention the incident yesterday either. However, he watched me in a way that made me feel completely naked. It was unnerving. It was exciting. It made me feel guilty.

He took a long drink of his coffee and I couldn't help but think of the espresso stand. My cheeks flushed and he smiled devilishly, like he knew exactly what I was thinking of. He set down his mug and calmly walked over behind me. Brushing the hair seductively off of my neck, from one shoulder all the way around to the other, he swiftly kissed the back of my neck.

"Mornin'," he whispered, directly in my ear. I shivered. Ugh, why did his touch have to do that to me? He slipped his arms around my waist and held me close to him.

"Stop it, Kellan," I whispered as I turned and gently pushed him back.


He laughed softly. "Stop what, Kiera? We used to do this all the time when Denny was gone...remember?" He pulled me tight again.

I sighed and pushed him back more firmly, trying to ignore how nice his arms felt around me. "Things are different now."

He pulled me tight, yet again, and breathed heavily in my ear as he whispered, "Yes...things are very different."

I pushed him away with weak feeling arms. Irritation sparked in me. "You are so...moody. I can't keep up with you." My glare softened as I wondered if I had just incited his anger.

He only grinned crookedly at me though. "I'm an artist...not moody."

"Well, then you're a moody artist... " I finished my thought by muttering under my breath, "You're practically a girl."

Apparently he heard me, for he abruptly turned me to face him, backed me against the counter and pressed himself into me. I gasped as one of his hands clutched my poor bruised thigh and hitched it around his hip. His other hand ran up my back and pulled me flush against him. He breathed huskily in my ear again, "I assure you...I am not." His lips trailed down to my neck as I shivered again. Damn...no, definitely not a girl.

"Please...stop..." I managed to whisper, as I attempted another feeble try at pushing him away.

He kissed me one last time, deeply on my neck, and I worried for a second that he would leave a mark, but then he pulled away and sighed. "All right...but only because you begged." His voice was so smooth it was practically a purr. "I love it when you do that," he whispered, then left the room chuckling, while I blushed deeply.

I was luxuriating in the shower after that little encounter, trying to organize my thoughts and my emotions. The feel of Kellan pressed against me wouldn't leave my head...or my body for that matter. Kissing Denny goodbye for work a few minutes ago had done horrible things to my heart. My guilt wasn't leaving me and Kellan definitely wasn't helping with that. I sighed and tilted my head back in the water. He was so odd. The first time we had sex he turned stone cold and now he was red hot. God, what would happen if we did it...? No, I'm not even going to think about that. Whatever was going on between us, that part of it was most definitely over! I would not betray Denny...again.

I was feeling a little better about the situation, when the largest spider known to mankind dropped right in front of my face. Now, I'd like to think that I am pretty practical about the rodent, insect and arachnid world. I completely understand that they serve a purpose and that there is a place for them in the circle of life. But one dropping right in my face with, I swear to God, three-inch long legs, brought out the girliest reaction possible - I screamed. And not just any scream, no, I screamed bloody murder. I hopped out of the shower and immediately began doing the icky dance. You know, the 'oh my god, I know there are about six more of those things on my body' dance. It was at that moment that Kellan burst through the bathroom door (how in the name of all that is holy did I not lock it?). I froze when I saw him. He froze when he saw me...buck-naked.

I blushed red everywhere as I grabbed the closest towel I could find.

"Are you okay?" He looked around the room like there should be an axe murderer and about a gallon of blood, what with all the screaming I had done.

"Spider," I said, mortified. Can I please re-do this day?

His eyes came back to me and he barely held in a laugh. He had to bite his lip and the smile that broke around it was disastrously sexy. "A spider?" he managed to say, almost evenly. "You're not...dying?"

I blushed again and frowned as his eyes lost their smirk and trailed down my barely covered, dripping wet body. "I think I should inspect you more thoroughly, just to make sure none are...on you." He took a couple steps towards me and the small bathroom suddenly felt claustrophobic.

I felt overheated and a bit faint. I beat him on the shoulder and pushed him towards the door. "No...get out!"

"All right." He tilted his head to the side as he turned to leave. "I'll be in my room, if you change your mind." A wicked grin and then, "Or, if there are any more spiders."

As he left, I slammed the door shut and securely locked it. Okay, make that red, red hot. I needed to do something about this...but I had no idea what.

*******************

He was very sneaky about flirting with me, always finding moments that Denny was out of the room or had his back to us. The first time he had kissed my neck with Denny in the room, I had gasped in surprise over the unexpected move. He had laughed once and quickly moved away as Denny looked over at me quizzically. I muttered something stupid about seeing a spider and glared over at Kellan, who laughed and raised his eyebrows suggestively at the mention of another spider. My neck burned pleasantly where he had kissed it.

More and more I enjoyed the solitude of school; it was my only Denny and Kellan-free zone. For a few hours, I could think about something other than the mass of confusion that was my home life. Of course, a few days later, during a psychology lecture on Sigmund Freud's views about sexual repression, the thoughts had come anyway.

I didn't know what to do? On the one hand, I had a beautiful, loving boyfriend that I adored, that I had moved across the Country for, but, his abandoning me for a job had scarred me some. I didn't like to think about it. It hadn't really been his fault that I had reacted so poorly, and he had changed his mind and come back to me almost instantly, and at great personal expense...just not quick enough. During his brief absence Kellan had slipped in, and now he was kind of stuck there.

I sighed. I really didn't know how to feel about that. Well, besides tremendously guilty anyway. I had been warned so often about Kellan. I knew what he was like and I fell for it anyway...twice. I hated how weak I felt around him, how much power he had, when I had none. It was so irritating.

Of course, he had become bolder in the last few days. His touches had become much more intimate. His fingers always managed to find the scant, half inch of skin which showed between my shirt and jeans when he passed me in the hall. He stroked my cheek as I opened the fridge door. His lips brushed my bare shoulder while I cooked dinner. He nibbled at my ear when Denny went outside to check the mail. He came up behind me at work and rested his hand on my backside when no one was looking.

Ugh, he was driving me crazy and I hated every second of it. Didn't I?

I looked up. The lecture that had caused my mind to drift was over, and I really hadn't heard a word of it. I hadn't even noticed that students had started to file out and now it was half empty. Stupid Kellan and his amazingly wonderful, stupid fingers.

Now I was going to have to go see that stupid man at the stupid bar, since my shift was starting in a couple hours. Of course he would be there, drinking with his band mates. They had rehearsal nearly every day and almost always came into the bar either before or afterwards. And of course Kellan would not miss an opportunity to torment me while Denny was absent. He was always careful to not let anyone else witness his seduction, but I got the feeling it was easier for him, when he didn't have to look Denny in the eye.

I walked into the light rain and headed for the bus stop. I was not looking forward to having to wait for the bus in this. It wasn't heavily raining but eventually, I would get soaked. The people here didn't seem to mind getting wet. No one even bothered with an umbrella unless the rain was sheeting. Personally, I'd rather be dry, but it hadn't been raining when I left and I really didn't like walking around with an umbrella, looking like an idiot, waiting for it to rain.


I decided to take the bus straight to the bar. I'd rather be early than sit around our house alone with Kellan. With Denny still at work, who knows what he would try to do with me. Not that I would let him. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't let him... Anyway, I could work on my Lit paper in the backroom.

As I was walking, I heard someone directly behind me gasp, "Oh my god, check out that guy...he's gorgeous." Instinctively turning to look, my breath caught. Kellan was here? Why was Kellan here? Standing outside his car, he was already partially wet, and like the rest of the locals, he didn't seem to care. He smiled his sexy half-smile when I noticed him. I rolled my eyes and didn't even bother looking at who had made the statement. I was pretty sure it was just some random girl, drooling over his...perfection.

I really didn't want to get wet waiting for the bus, so I grudgingly walked over to Kellan. The rain was dampening his tousled hair and droplets were dripping onto his face. He wore his black leather jacket and leaned back against his car with his arms folded across his chest. Whoever the drooler was, she was right, he was gorgeous.

"I thought you might want a ride." He practically purred the words.

"Sure, thanks. I'm going to Pete's." I hoped I was coming off as nonchalant as I wanted to be. My heart was already racing at the idea of being in an enclosed space alone with him, but being dry was too tempting.

He smiled, like he somehow knew my answer already. He slipped behind the wheel after first opening my door, dramatically swooshing his arm. I was tense as we pulled away from the school, waiting for him to do...something. I had no idea what he would do with a situation like this, and my mind was jumbled with different possibilities. Would he pin me down on the seat and try to... I looked behind me at the back seat. It suddenly looked shockingly big and quite comfortable. I instantly realized that Kellan's car was his "bed away from bed" as it were. The thought made my face flush and my breath hitch.

He looked over at me and laughed a little. "You okay?"

"Yep," I lied, completely unconvincingly.

"Good." We stopped at a red light and he looked over at me with sparkling, playful eyes while he ran a hand through his delightfully damp hair.

I realized I had started breathing a little heavy watching him. Oh for Pete's sake, I thought angrily. He hasn't even touched me yet. The anticipation was starting to get to me. I wished he would just get it over with. Wait a minute...no. Familiar irritation flared. I didn't want him to touch me...right?

We started moving again, but I was staring out the window, lost in my confusion, and barely noticed. I loved Denny, why would I ache for Kellan to touch me? That made no sense. But I couldn't ponder it any longer. Kellan had decided at long last to touch me. He simply put his hand on my knee and slightly slid it up my inner thigh. It was enough. I closed my eyes, his touch burning through my body. I kept my eyes closed the entire way there.

We arrived at the bar all too quickly and yet...not quickly enough. Kellan parked the car without moving his hand from my thigh. I could feel him watching me, but I still kept my eyes closed. He slid over the seat to press against me. The heat of him, the smell of the rain on him, made my breath quicken. He shifted his hand all the way up my thigh. I gasped, my mouth dropping open slightly in a heavy breath. I suddenly wanted much more...and I hated it. He ran his cheek along my jaw and I suffered to keep my head straight, to not turn into him. He kissed the corner of my jaw then lightly trailed his tongue up to my ear while I started to tremble. He nibbled on my ear for a second before finally breathing, "Ready?"

Slight panic made my eyes flash open. I glanced over at him with my eyes only, my breath embarrassingly fast now. He was smiling so seductively at me, that I couldn't help but turn my face to his. Inches apart now, I felt his hand run up my thigh and across my hip. Then I heard a faint click and my seat belt gave way.

He pulled away from me and started laughing lightly. Instantly irritated, I shoved open the door and slammed it behind me. When I looked back at his sleek with rain car, I could see him through the window, watching me storm off to the bar in open delight. I actually thanked the rain now, as it cooled my heated skin on the way to the double doors. Damn, he was good.

The next morning, I corned Kellan in the kitchen as he was pouring his coffee.

"Morn-"

I immediately cut off his adorable greeting, still irritated about the car ride yesterday. "You... " I put a finger on his chest, which made him smile charmingly as he put the coffee pot back, "...need to back off!"

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into an embrace. "I haven't done anything to you...recently," he said innocently.

I tried to push away from his embrace but he held me tight. "Uhhh...this?" I tried to indicate his arms around me, but couldn't move very well.

He laughed and kissed my jaw. "We do this all the time. Sometimes we do more..."

Irritated, I pulled back and spat out in a horribly flustered tone, "The car?"

He laughed harder. "That was all you. You were getting all...excited on me, just sitting there." He squatted slightly to look me in the eye. "Was I supposed to just ignore that?" I blushed furiously; he was right about that. I sighed noisily and looked away from him.

He laughed softly at my reaction. "Hmmm...do you want me to stop?" While he spoke he ran his fingers lightly from my hair to my cheek, down my neck, between my breasts, and down my waist to rest at my jeans. He grabbed the edge and pulled my hips towards him a little.

Instantly and annoyingly, my body reacted - my breathing increased, my heartbeat spiked and I closed my eyes, willing myself to not turn towards his lips. "Yes," I said breathlessly, wondering if I was answering his question correctly.

"You don't seem so sure...do I make you uncomfortable?" His voice was husky and enticing, and I kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to see his expression. His fingers were now lightly tracing my waistband, one finger on the inside, barely brushing against my skin.

"Yes." My head was spinning...what did he ask me?

He leaned over to whisper in my ear, "Do you want me inside you again?"

"Yes..." I blurted out my answer before the question had even registered in my head. His fingers stopped moving. My eyes snapped open at my mistake and locked on to his surprised face. "No! I meant no!" He half-smiled and looked like he was going to break out laughing at any second as he tried to keep his face composed.

Anger burned through me. Great, now I've led him on even more and managed to make myself look like an idiot, all at the same time. "I meant no, Kellan."

He did let one laugh escape. "Yes, I know - I know exactly what you meant." I roughly pushed him away and went back upstairs. That had not gone well at all.

That afternoon, I had a few hours to kill after school before Denny came home from work. I was desperately tired. I hadn't been sleeping well. Denny and Kellan and guilt and passion...all of it kept spinning through my head, making sleep nearly impossible. If something didn't change soon, I was going to implode from the stress. I was sitting in the middle of the couch staring blankly at the television, lost in these deep thoughts, when I felt the cushion beside me compress. Knowing who it was, I instinctively tried to stand without even looking his way. He grabbed my arm however and pulled me back down. I looked over at a very amused Kellan. He grinned widely at my reluctance to sit next to him. I was too tired for this right now...


Irritated at his grin, I stubbornly stayed put on the couch, crossing my arms across my chest. He softened his smile while he gazed at me and I looked away. Feeling his arms wrap around my shoulders, I stiffened but refused to pull away, not wanting to amuse him anymore today. This morning's embarrassment was still fresh in my head. Gently, he started pulling me down to his lap.

Shocked, and angry at his seemingly crude innuendo, I jerked away and glared icily at him. He startled in surprise, furrowing his brow before relaxing and laughing at my reaction. He pointed to his lap. "Lie down...you look tired." He raised an eyebrow at me and smiled suggestively. "But if you wanted to, I wouldn't stop you."

I frowned, embarrassed at my assumption, and elbowed him in the ribs for his comment. He grunted and laughed again. "So stubborn..." he mocked, as he pulled me down into his lap again.

Still feeling foolish about what I had thought he had wanted me to do, I let him lie me down. He gazed at me as I flopped down onto my back. He was quite comfortable and I was extremely tired. He lightly stroked my hair, nearly instantly relaxing me.

"See...that wasn't so bad, was it?" His blue eyes watched me, almost wistfully. He gazed at me in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?"

I immediately tensed, but nodded. He watched his fingers running through my hair as he asked, "Was Denny the only man you'd been with?"

Irritation flashed through me. Why would he want to know that? "Kellan, I don't see how that's..."

His gaze met mine and he cut me off. "Just answer the question." His eyes were almost sad, his voice soft with some emotion.

Confused, I answered without thinking about it. "Yes...until you, yes. He was my first..."

He nodded, considering that while continuing to stroke my hair. I felt like I should blush or be embarrassed, answering such a personal question, but I wasn't. I suppose there wasn't much about my body that Kellan didn't either already know, or could correctly guess.

"Why would you want to know that?" I asked softly.

He stopped playing with my hair for a moment, and then he continued, smiling softly, but not speaking. Silently he kept stroking my hair and eventually, I relaxed again. He seemed lost in thought, just gazing at me and smiling softly. I was suddenly struck with a flood of memories of being with him innocently like this while Denny had been away. The sweetness of that time brought tears to my eyes as I gazed up at him.

He frowned slightly and wiped away a tear. "Am I hurting you?" he asked softly.

"Daily..." I said, equally as soft.

He was silent for a few minutes, and then finally he spoke softly again, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm sorry."

Confused, I blurted out, "Then why are you? Why don't you leave me alone?"

He frowned again. "Don't you like this...being with me? Even...just a little?"

My heart hurt a little at that all-too confusing question. Finally I decided to just tell him the truth. "Yes, I do...but I can't. I shouldn't. It's not right...to Denny."

He nodded, still frowning. "True..." he sighed and stopped stroking my hair. "I don't want to hurt you...either of you." He was silent for several minutes, looking thoughtfully at me. I couldn't speak. I could only watch him, watch me. Finally he said, "I'll leave it at this. Just flirting. I'll try not to be inappropriate with you." He sadly sighed. "Just friendly flirting, like we used to..."

I startled at that. "Kellan, I don't think we should even...not since that night. Not since we've..."

He smiled, perhaps as the memory flooded through him, like it had just flooded through me, and stroked my cheek. "I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you." He suddenly smiled wickedly and my heart rate spiked again at his raw sex appeal. "Or, I could just take you right here on the couch." I stiffened on his lap and he sighed. "I'm joking, Kiera."

"No, no you're not, Kellan. That's the problem. If I said okay..."

He smiled charmingly. "I would do, whatever you asked," he whispered.

I swallowed and looked away, not entirely comfortable with this conversation. He ran a finger down my cheek, down my neck, along my collar bone and back down my waist. My breath quickened and I looked back at him sharply.

"Oops... sorry." He grinned sheepishly. "I will try..."

He went back to safely stroking my hair and eventually the repetitive motion lulled me to sleep. I woke hours later in my room, tucked under the covers. I prayed I was dressed and felt much to my relief that I was. He wanted to still flirt with me, but nothing more? Was he capable of that? Was I? Was that betraying Denny...if it was just innocent? I wasn't sure if it was possible, but, lying on the couch with him brought back so many wonderful memories of the way we used to be. If we could somehow get that back? The thought of freely touching him again gave me such a thrill though, that it concerned me.

Denny walked into the bedroom as I was still considering Kellan and his flirting idea. I startled a bit at seeing him, still lost in my thoughts and not realizing what time it was, as I lay in bed. He looked over at me quizzically as he slipped off his shoes and stripped off his dress shirt.

"What are you doing?" he asked, with a small grin and a twinkle in his eye as he put on a more comfortable t-shirt.

Normally the sight of him changing, and the look he'd just given me, would have made me smile, but with where my thoughts had been, I actually blushed. It was an odd reaction for me to have towards him and he furrowed his brow as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"You okay?" He placed a hand on my forehead and then brushed aside some hair from my face. "Are you not feeling well again?"

The move was so tender that it relaxed me and I sat up in bed and slung my arms around his neck. I sighed and clung to him a little tighter than normal. He rubbed my back and held me just as tight. "I'm fine...just napping."

He pulled back to look at me lovingly and that was when I noticed how tired he looked. "Are you okay?" A slight panic went through me, but I pushed it back forcefully.

He sighed and shook his head. "Max. God, he's an idiot, Kiera. If his uncle didn't own the place, there's no way he would work there. They're doing this campaign for this retailer who-" He cut himself off and shook his head again. "Ugh, I don't even want to think about it again." He ran a hand down my hair and brought me in for a sweet kiss. "I just want to think about you..."

I ran a hand back through his hair as our kiss deepened a bit. He pulled back after another minute. "Are you hungry? If you want to stay and rest awhile longer, I'll make us something to eat."

Smiling at his sweet offer, I ran a hand down his cheek. "No, I'll come down with you." He grabbed my hands and smiling, helped me to my feet. I watched the darkness of his hair and the nice shape of his body as I followed him down the stairs. How could I have ever been unfaithful to him? He was amazing. I swallowed the lump and reminded myself that it wasn't going to happen again. I would never betray him again. Kellan had agreed to back off. Kellan and I were going back to our friendship. Everything would be fine.

I decided to lie on the couch, and eventually the sounds of Denny making dinner lulled me into sleep. Great, I thought hazily before I let go, I'm never going to sleep tonight now. I was woken up by a pair of soft lips. Panic shot through me, as for a split second of sleep induced delirium - I had no idea whose lips they were. My hand had automatically gone to the face however and at feeling the light hairline, I relaxed. Denny. That's right. I had the night off from work, Denny was home from his long day, and Kellan was playing with the D-Bags at Razors. They were probably already there, relaxing before the show.


Since I was never one to not take advantage of alone time with him in the past, he was...um, ready for me. It felt odd to me at first, because we hadn't been together since my betrayal with Kellan, and I still felt so guilty, but after a few deep kisses on the couch and his hand slipping under my jeans, I let go of my guilt and enjoyed every inch of this beautiful, beautiful man.

The wonderful dinner he had prepared, was cold by the time we got around to eating it.