Only Love (The Atonement Series)

Part One

Freedom

Summer 2013

Chapter One


The day started like any other day but by that evening, something inside me inwardly panicked. I needed to run and although I would hate myself in the morning, I kept telling myself it was for the best.

My day at work had been calm yet once I received a call from Dr. Grant, my OB-GYN, everything went from sugar to shit literally. It was a routine call like any other but it was what she told me that ripped my world apart and nothing would ever be the same again.

The funny part about the whole situation was nothing had really changed because when I looked in the mirror, I was still the same person. I was just shy of five feet, nine inches and slim at one hundred and twenty-nine pounds. My skin was still a silky olive tone and I still had great cheek bones and a patrician nose with slightly full lips.

My hair was still dark brown with deep auburn lowlights and wavy if I didn’t flat iron it but since I hadn’t cut it in a while, it was wavy more often than not. My hazel-green eyes were still my best feature and though I wore very little makeup, my skin had a natural inner glow from pregnancy.

I don’t remember the rest of my day at work nor do I remember the commute home either. The elevator ride to the outrageously expensive condo I shared with Colin seemed like my own personal jail cell. I knew he wouldn’t be home because the bar didn’t close until the wee hours of the morning and while the place was still brand new, both Colin and Drew were putting in a lot of hours to make it the success they wanted it to be.

Our relationship had never been conventional. Colin and I were in love, that was true, but it didn’t erase the horrible secret that bound us together. It also didn’t stop my sister from asking so many questions about what was going on and why I still spent so much time with Liam if I was in love with Colin and he was my fiancé.

I couldn’t trust my sister with the truth or any truths to be honest. What could she possibly say and how would she feel about the situation? I knew how good I was at keeping secrets and the one I knew about Colin and Liam would be taken to the grave.

Who could I really tell my secrets to when I thought about it other than the parties involved? If I couldn’t trust Caitlyn, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell Aubrey. I knew she could keep a secret and that certainly wasn’t the problem that existed between us two but how would she view Colin and Liam again knowing what they’d done to my family? She’d grown up in a chaotic home and though her life had not been perfect, she was a huge believer in justice. It was the same reason why she wouldn’t give her mother the time of day after what she had put her through during the years she’d lived in Quebec with her.

I had to be honest with myself and admit it had been sheer lunacy to forgive him so easily but maybe it was the pregnancy hormones. I knew we had more on the line than our relationship. We were now expecting a baby, an innocent child who had no idea what his or her parents’ were going through.

The decision wasn’t an easy one for me to make, mostly because more than my life was at stake. However, my present lifestyle was starting to strangle me and I felt lost and spiraling even further out of control. Furthermore, the hurt surrounding the situation seemed to grow each day and now I knew such an overwhelming truth that marred our situation all the more, how could I live with myself? I could barely keep what I knew contained; it would only be a matter of time before I blurted the truth to Colin and he would hate me.

Funny how there were people who existed and always thought of themselves as worthy of forgiveness but they were unable to extend that way of thinking to other people. Colin felt that way about me, as if I was above sin, and I would never do anything to hurt him. I also knew him as a person and he would never accept the present situation. Sure, he would lie and smile and say it was okay all the while thinking I was a hypocritical bitch who’d ruined his life because what I done went way beyond the pale as far as he was concerned.

I pulled out my bag and packed the first one but that was as far as I got before the tears overwhelmed me and I began to sob like a baby. I didn’t want to end it like this and I wouldn’t leave that night. I had to see him to say goodbye. It was the only way. I wasn’t a coward and I wouldn’t become one at this point in my life either.

The plan was already hatched in my head and refused to leave me no matter how many different alternative situations entered my brain. I stashed my bag in the guest bedroom closet behind my clothes and that night when Colin came home, it was pleasantries all around. I never gave him not one hint anything was wrong with me, with us and how much our lives were about to change.

We talked a bit over an Evian for me (I wanted to keep a clear head) and a bottle of Beck’s for him. Then he wrapped his arms around my body and kissed me with an intensity that made me shake all over and I knew I wanted to make love to my fiancé just one last time before I left for good.

Our love making had always been exciting, intense, earth-shattering and soul shaking. I fell asleep in his arms though I woke up alone. He left before me in the mornings and I always stayed up for him to get home despite that meant I wasn’t getting nearly the amount of rest I needed. However, I did learn to powernap in the evenings, usually wedged between Pilates and dinner by myself.

The following morning shortly after breakfast, I decided to walk away from everything in my life. I called Liam at uConnect and complained of morning sickness; he informed me it would be more prudent for me to stay home and he would let the HR Manager know not to expect me. I was only in the first trimester of my pregnancy therefore it certainly wasn’t unheard of and it was quite easy to perpetuate the lie.

I finished packing but this time I didn’t cry at all. My whole body actually felt numb and the only thought I could contemplate were all of the different possibilities and exciting opportunities that existed in front of me. It was going to be a wonderful feeling not to live without any deception or secrets. I’d miss Colin, I really would, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to stay and that was an awful feeling to give in to and an even worse thought to admit.

I left a note on the table and my engagement ring beside it. Hopefully that was an action that could not be misconstrued as a simple break or perhaps “pause” of our relationship but what the hell did I know? I couldn’t even properly end my relationship with my first love, Drew. Instead, I’d used him for bootie calls when he was “in between” relationships and pawned him off on my cousin, Aubrey, when I’d finally had enough.

Great track record there in the “breaking up” department if I didn’t say so myself.

Of course this was a completely different situation. This wasn’t just a break up because Colin and I weren’t merely going out or dating, we were engaged. Or had been engaged and now we weren’t because I’d ended it and I didn’t even have the nerve to tell him to his face. I might as well have broken off our engagement by email because a hand-written letter couldn’t be too far above a text or a Post-It note.

It was easy to load up my vehicle with all the personal belongings I’d decided to take with me. Due to the pregnancy, Colin had upgraded me from a Smart Car to a 2013 Ford Edge Sport and I loved it. It only had two hundred miles on it and I knew it would easily make the drive I had in mind.

My biggest decision was how long should I wait after I left to contact Colin? He would know why I left but he would have more questions and I could wait a week to let him blow off some steam and hopefully he would be calm enough for us to have civil conversation. I had no illusions about staying gone forever but even now, I felt like I couldn’t breathe without going through heart palpitations that drove me around the bend. The anxiety attack had me clutching my chest every few moments as if that would clear my airway and allow more oxygen to get through. I couldn’t exactly pop a Xanax and count to ten to feel better; I had to actually deal with my problems and breathe through them.

This was how I felt when I loaded the last of my two roll-on suitcases and dumped them in the trunk. I turned off my Samsung Galaxy S III—my official phone—and turned on the black iPhone I’d purchased with a contract through T-Mobile. Colin had no idea about the account and therefore the phone would be completely untraceable when I called home to talk to Colin.

It was only love which had caused me to forgive him for his shocking revelation in the first place but love alone couldn’t keep us together and I innately knew that. I hated how cynical I’d become after the wonderful European trip we’d spent together but I realized it’d always been there.

I had lost myself for the moment when Colin and I were in Europe. However, once we came back to Seattle, real life came crashing in and like a coward, I found myself on the run yet again like a goddamn fugitive.

This time, the decision was less severe and I wouldn’t run as far but I planned to settle somewhere warm and near the beach. As I turned on to Interstate Five and knew it would take me all the way to my destination, I plugged in my iPod and pushed the shuffle button.

The first song to come on, ironically, was Rihanna’s “Man Down”. By the time I’d left the city limits, I’d also listened to Thirty Seconds to Mars’ “Attack”, Ellie Goulding’s “Hanging On”, Esmée Denters’ “Outta Here”, Pink’s “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)” and Maroon Five’s “Payphone”.

It helped pass the time and the miles however by the time I reached the border between Washington and Oregon, I wanted to hear one fun song as opposed to all these cynical “love gone wrong” songs that kept playing. I would have to put quite a bit of distance between Seattle, Colin and the life I had decided was better off without me before I would even think about changing the play list. Until then, I was stuck with my current one and a heart that felt like I’d never made a better decision in my life. I instinctively knew I was doing the right thing although that meant leaving everything and everyone I knew behind.

This was the way it should be and at this time, I needed to be alone and away from the heartache, away from Colin and on my own.

For now.