Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Two





Before I had decided to make my grand exit from Seattle and out of the lives of everyone I knew, I’d made provisions though at the time, I didn’t even know it. I’d purchased a two bedroom, two and a half bathroom beach side condo in my name and paid for the transaction in cash thanks to the money my father had left me in a Trust. No one knew about it, not even my sister or my mother, and I was very careful with how I dealt with the transaction.

Property in La Jolla wasn’t cheap and rivaled prices in Seattle but I looked at the place as an investment and I could always sell it since it belonged to me. The place was stocked with furniture from IKEA and I’d had a handyman assemble it all, including the furniture for the second room which would eventually belong to the baby. I hadn’t bothered with any sort of baby furniture because I wasn’t sure whether it was a boy or a girl and to be honest, I didn’t know how much it had sunk in that I was actually pregnant and less than seven months from now, a new human being would join me in the world I’d created for us.

On a whim, I purchased a small coffee shop downtown La Jolla from an owner who was underwater and merely wanted to free herself from her losses. It was difficult to actually control employees when I wasn’t in the same city therefore I’d kept the owner on as a salaried employee to manage the workers. I wasn’t looking to get rich but I did want a business of my own where I could call the shots and knew it was mine whether it was successful or not.

Ground Beans was perfect and extremely bohemian with a chic atmosphere and enough baristas that I didn’t have to worry about hiring. I installed wifi and advertised as such along with a few comfy chairs, tables perfect for computer use and comfortable sofas. The menu was diverse enough with muffins, scones, cookies, brownies, sandwiches and Paninis that I could have flexible operating hours of six in the morning to eight in the evening.

There was also a drive-thru which made it possible for us to compete with Starbucks which was only two blocks away.

The first morning I was able to introduce myself to the staff was a whole week after I’d arrived in La Jolla because I needed the time just to recover from the drive. The owner placed her resignation after she showed me the ropes and after that, I proceeded to run a business that was fun and very much me because I loved working with people and owning Ground Beans fit my personality.

My hours were long and arduous; by the end of the day, I was so tired, I could barely park my car in the garage and drag myself to my condo. This continued for several days before I finally called Liam and officially gave my resignation from uConnect.

“What the hell is going on, Deirdre? Where the hell are you? Colin is sick with worry,” he responded with genuine concern in his voice.

“I am somewhere safe—that’s all you need to know,” I responded before I collapsed on the sofa in exhaustion.

Liam clicked his tongue. “That’s not good enough. Tell me why you have felt the need to leave at all if everything between Colin and you is so peachy keen in the first place? He told me you’d forgiven him and now comes the disappearing act. What the hell is this about, Deidre, and just who the hell do you think you’re playing?”

I stood again and began to pace if only to steady my nerves despite my aching feet. “Liam, I need time to myself. I forgave him but that doesn’t mean I have undergone a goddamn lobotomy. I know what you two did to my father and it doesn’t exactly fill me with elation the man I love had something to do with the death of a man who meant everything to me. Call it a delayed reaction but everything is hitting me at once and it doesn’t help I’m pregnant. Everything—my emotions and my feelings—is magnified and I’m sorry I can’t be my usual calm self but I felt like I was under water and I couldn’t breathe.”

“Sounds like the usual female problems to me but running away is something you do when you are nineteen. It isn’t the actions of a grown woman. You need to come back here and tell Colin how you are feeling. He isn’t going to take it easier just because it is coming from me,” Liam explained in a pragmatic manner.

“I don’t expect you to tell him. I will call him myself.” The doorbell rang and I sighed softly to myself. “Listen, I have to go.”

“When do you plan to call Colin if I may ask because you do understand you need to speak to him as soon as possible? Deirdre, this isn’t a game—”

“When ever I get good and goddamn ready,” I replied before I ended the call.

I set the iPhone on the coffee table and rushed to the front door. There are times when one shouldn’t answer their door and I soon felt like this was one of those times when I swung open the door and faced one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen.

Hair the color of chocolate with burnished blond-auburn highlights and pale greenish blue eyes faced me in a face of absolute perfection. His looks were finished off with perfect features featuring a Roman-shaped nose, high cheekbones and sensually full lips; a creamy complexion with just a hint of color and a build that was tall though far from imposing. At approximately six feet, three inches and a slim one hundred and eighty pounds, everything about him was just perfect.

“Hey,” I greeted feeling like a bit of an idiot.

I had absolutely no idea who the hell this man was nor what he was doing on my doorstep.

“Hello,” he began before a pink tongue slid over those perfect soft lips. “I’m your next-door neighbor. Name’s Drake…I am a chef at Rouge, an upscale restaurant on the beach and I am trying out a new recipe. I know it’s a terrible cliché but do you have any Sugar in the Raw? The recipe calls for it and I could have sworn I picked some up but I can’t find it.”

I raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow in a sarcastic manner. “You’re joking, right?”

His pale aquamarine eyes lit up in faint amusement. “About what exactly? Being a chef or needing to borrow sugar?”

“I’m not sure…both actually? And are you really my neighbor?”

He nodded his head before he fingered a hint of stubble along his jawline. “Listen, I know I sound like a walking cliché. Welcome to my life. Yes, I am your neighbor and I am indeed pathetic enough to need sugar for a recipe despite being a chef at Rouge, an obnoxiously expensive seafood and steak restaurant with a location literally on the beach.”

I had no intention of allowing my tough resolve to break but I began to laugh hysterically and he joined me shortly afterwards.

“The name is Deirdre Bardot.”

“You mean like the famous French actress?”

“Yes.”

“Drake O’Connell at your service. You have no idea how embarrassed I am about the situation which we are meeting one another. A beautiful woman like yourself deserves a dozen white roses and a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio to welcome you to the neighborhood. Sorry I haven’t brought either one and come asking for something from you instead of giving to you,” he explained in a hypnotically deep and sensual voice.

I crossed my arms against my breasts. “You’re lucky I am a health nut and the only sugar I keep on hand is in the raw. How much do you need?”

“A cup should do,” he replied in a voice that sounded extremely relieved.

I left the door open as I walked to the kitchen and opened the pantry. Since I had nothing but time, everything was organized as if I had lived in the place for years instead of a week. I grabbed half a package of Sugar in the Raw and walked it back to the doorstep where Drake still stood.

“I know this is more than a cup but you can keep the rest. Think of it as a present from me to you.”

Our hands touched only slightly at the exchange and it was pure electricity. I didn’t want to imagine those hands anywhere near any other part of my body and secretly hated myself for feeling anything at all when the situation between Colin and I was far from resolved.

I was the first to pull away and attempted a warm smile of encouragement but fell short.

He turned to walk away but then he stopped and faced me again. “Why are you being so nice to me? All I know about you is you turned up into town rather suddenly and bought Ground Beans from its struggling owner. I’m a bit concerned about what it seems you’re running from…or is it whom you are running from?”

My whole body language changed from open to guarded almost immediately. I grimaced at the sheer audacity of this Drake person asking me any personal questions at all. “I am not running from anything or anyone. Believe me, if I was a fugitive, I wouldn’t tell you but since I’m not, I don’t owe any sort of explanation to you. Enjoy the sugar for your recipe.”

Before he could reply, I slammed the door in his face and leaned against the locked door, my heart thundering in my chest.

How the hell did I end up with such a nosy freakin’ next door neighbor and why the hell did he have to be so damn good looking?





An hour after the whole “Drake incident”, I had dinner for one: baked free range chicken and couscous with a spinach salad covered in raspberry vinaigrette dressing, I did what I knew needed to be done. It had been too long and it wasn’t fair I’d called Liam before I called Colin but this would be the hardest call I would have to make. He simply wouldn’t understand and if I put myself in his shoes, neither would I.

A little over two weeks ago, I had forgiven him. He and his brother had murdered my father in a hit and run accident that had taken place almost a year previously. They’d both been high on Bath Salts and covered up the crime beautifully because to that very day, there were no suspects and the Seattle Police Department never arrested anyone for the crime despite their rigorous and determined investigation.

It had left my mother devastated, my sister a workaholic who’d ended up in a relationship with her father’s killer, unbeknown to her, and me in love with the second murderer. There had also been a world wind trip to Western Europe involved to ease me out of the feeling of hopelessness and inertia I’d felt since the death of my father the day before Thanksgiving.

Life had changed so very much over the past few months. Drew, my best friend and first love, now was in a semi-relationship with my cousin, Aubrey. They were comfortable though I couldn’t say whether or not they were in love. I’d accepted a job at uConnect which had lasted more than a few weeks and a change in management since Liam and his partners had sold the company to an even bigger high-tech company. And Colin had realized his dream of owning his own bar which served great food; he was no longer considered a slacker but a productive member of the community and a business owner.

So, what had caused me to run if I was happy and in love with another man for the second time in my life? I finally realized love couldn’t cure what I felt in my heart and although I loved Colin very much, another part of me hated him for what he had done to my family.

How could I, in good conscience, agree to marry the man who had killed my father yet didn’t feel enough remorse to turn himself in and pay the consequences for what he did?

Hence my dilemma and the reason why all I felt like doing was running away. However, there was another reason, one based upon instinct and emotion. The reason why I had forgiven him so easily was because I found out I was pregnant. We were expecting a child together and how could I live with myself if I sent the father of my child up the creek and made him turn himself in? If he was lucky—and chances are he would be—he and his brother would end up with criminal records but with all the money they had, the chances of them serving any time in prison would be next to nil.

Unfortunately, my initial surprise of being pregnant by Colin had turned into a bleak realization the last time I’d visited the doctor. At the time, I believed I was seven or eight weeks pregnant but the doctor informed me I was in fact I was further along and almost in my second trimester.

The problem with this scenario was I hadn’t slept with Colin until our trip to Western Europe so it couldn’t possibly be his baby.

However, I’d had a reckless one night stand with Liam, his brother, and although we used protection, obviously that night wasn’t as memorable to me as I thought it had been. We had made love numerous times and at least one of those times, a condom had not been used, lambskin or otherwise. I was on birth control but it was a low-hormone variety and the chances of an unintended pregnancy climbed quite a bit with a low-hormone birth control pill versus a regular birth control pill.

I then went back and searched my mind for what kind of medications I was taking along with the low-hormone birth control pill. Although I could not find evidence to the contrary, either I had not taken my birth control pills as directed or one of the medications my doctor had put me on interfered with the pill and made it easier for me to become pregnant.

I faced quite the pickle because I was about to marry a man whose baby I was not carrying. It actually belonged to his brother who happened to be dating my sister. I already hid a colossal secret from my sister since she had no idea our two “perfect guys” were the ones who’d murdered our father. More than one secret was too much to take and this is what I planned to tell Colin when I finally spoke to him on the phone.

It was the kind of call any woman dreaded to make because not only did I feel like the guilty party but I knew I would shatter this man’s heart. Would that be such a bad thing after what he and his brother had done to my family and did I still want this baby at all knowing what I knew?

It wasn’t too late; I was still in my first trimester and if I was going to make a fresh start, perhaps an abortion would have to be involved with that new life. Did I really want to raise the child of a man who had directly been responsible for my own father’s untimely death?

The thoughts floated around my brain and almost drove me mad but I tried to focus on one thing at a time. It was now or never. I picked up my iPhone and searched for Colin’s cell phone number. Before I could stop myself, I pressed the phone button and listened to the ring as it echoed in my ear. There was no turning back now.