Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Four





The week following my very emotional conversation with Colin was hard to say the least. I had no clue what I was doing but all I knew is it felt right and I couldn’t allow myself to be chained to any man ever again.

Perhaps that is why Drew and I hadn’t worked out. He was always there and he wanted to protect me from everything evil and unsavory in the world. This was the first time I could actually say I was living my life on my own terms.

Everything really did feel like it was coming together and although I had a hot neighbor I avoided at all costs and a business that did relatively well, my life had become so much richer and deeper. I realized I only had to cook for myself and when I didn’t feel like it, I could always go out to dinner.

There had been very few times in the past I’d ever ventured out to dinner alone but living in upscale La Jolla, I thought no perfect time existed like the present. I still hadn’t met any real friends to bond with so I showered and dressed in a pair of black jeggings, an oversized scarlet silk shirt and a pair of scarlet Christian Louboutin booties. I allowed my wavy hair to flow down my back and put on just enough make up to appear attractive but not enough to overdo it.

I had read in La Jolla Magazine about a hot, happening restaurant called Rouge. It did very well and always featured the crème de la crème of La Jolla society. The food was excellent and the chef, a Drake O’Connell, who’d studied at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, was not only young at the tender age of thirty-one but he’d also worked for one of the top restaurants in Las Vegas before Rouge had stolen him from them.

Not that much of the information I read came as a surprise since Drake had told me himself. I knew my hot neighbor’s occupation and where he worked previously thanks to his surprise visit to “borrow sugar”.

This peaked my interest beyond belief and due to my curiosity, I promptly left my condo and drove to Rouge which was located on prime beach real estate. The restaurant itself was very minimalist but due to its name, the black building mostly made of glass featured a décor bathed in different reds accented by generous helpings of black. It was beautiful and although I was eating alone, I would still have to wait forty-five minutes to be seated but the Maitre D’ had suggested I sit at the bar while I waited for my table to become available.

I shouldn’t have really been drinking since I was pregnant but I still opted for a small glass of Pinot Noir. I pulled out my iPhone and checked my messages. There were a couple and although I shouldn’t have bothered to follow up, I did.

The first was from my mother. She sounded depressed as usual and I made a mental note to give her a call the following day. The second message was from a rushed Caitlyn who asked me to call her back and the last message was from Colin. The love of my life had turned into “beggin’ ass Colin”. His messages were always detailed and full of regret and longing.

I rolled my eyes and made a mental note to call him the following day because a phone call with him would always end in tears on both our parts. As much as I needed to be away from him and craved it with a fierce compulsion, I couldn’t go back, not now.

Instead, I called my sister and she answered on the second ring.

“What are you doing and when the hell are you coming home?” Caitlyn inquired without a greeting.

“Not right now,” I replied as I stood and signaled to the waiter to hold my place as I pointed at my half-glass and slipped off the bar stool. “I am just responding to the voicemail you sent me and I want you to know that I’m not coming home any time soon so I suggest you don’t hold your breath.”

Caitlyn laughed out loud in a sarcastic manner. “Stop being so goddamn selfish and think about other people for once, will you? Colin is an absolute mess and all of this is your fault! You could have prevented all of this by explaining how you felt. You didn’t need to run away. Aren’t you getting sick and tired of starting over?”

I walked towards the signs that pointed to the restrooms. It involved a steep climb down stairs and I loosely held the railing as I walked down. “I haven’t started over. I am just doing my own thing and living my life the way I want to live it—”

I stopped mid-sentence as my heel caught on a loose thread of carpeting and before I knew it, my iPhone went flying and I tumbled down the flight of stairs. I landed at the bottom on plush, red carpet but a sinking feeling settled as the cramps began to rip incessantly through my body.

Several young couples immediately came to my side.

“Don’t move!” a young Asian woman told me. “I’m calling the ambulance right now.”

I tried to sit up and realized I hadn’t broken anything that I knew of but my whole abdomen felt like it was being ripped open.

A pool of blood flooded the seat of my pants and the stain continued to expand on the scarlet carpet.

“My God, you’re bleeding!” another woman exclaimed.

It hit me then what was happening and although there was an emptiness in my heart as my body continued to betray me and the child I would never have, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of elation as well and I knew it was so very wrong. How could I have wanted something like this to happen and had I done something to purposely cause it?

The rest of the evening was a blur as the ambulance and two attendants arrived, quickly loaded me onto a portable gurney, and I was taken to Thornton Hospital. After I was given medication and rushed to an emergency room, I soon blacked out.





I awoke to a room flooded with flowers and “Get well soon!” cards; I wondered how so many people could have found out about my condition already. The first person I saw was a young lady I hoped to God was my physician. She was a small, attractive Asian-American woman, barely five feet and ninety pounds. I stared at her as she walked closer and began to check my vitals.

“Good morning, my name is Doctor Evers. I’m your attending physician and I personally operated on you last night,” she greeted. Her voice sounded strong and self-assured with just the right amount of empathy that put me immediately at ease.

I looked directly into her brown eyes before I inquired, “I had a miscarriage, didn’t I?”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Yes, you did. Physically, you’re fine and that is saying something when you take into consideration the tumble you took last night. You will be sore and bruised but the swelling should decrease rather quickly. The vast majority of the damage happened to the fetus you were carrying, unfortunately. We tried our best to save the embryo but you began to hemorrhage and at that point, my only concern was saving your life. I’m very sorry about your loss though you are perfectly healthy and have not lost the ability to have children. I’m happy to report I was able to keep all your female organs intact.”

I nodded my head slowly yet thought about what this all meant. At least I wouldn’t have to break my sister’s heart with the news the baby I was carrying had been her boyfriend’s and furthermore, I could hopefully stop breaking Colin’s heart. I still loved him even if we couldn’t be together but it had never been part of my plans to raise another man’s child with him.

“You have visitors who have come all the way from Seattle to see you so I will allow them inside.”

“Thank you,” I responded though my heart fell a bit.

All my friends and family knew where I was now and that accounted for the flowers.

Dr. Evers left and Colin walked into the door after her departure. He looked awful and it was apparent he’d barely gotten any rest in the past couple of weeks. It didn’t escape me I was the reason why his life was as miserable as it was at the moment but that didn’t change the way I felt or the decision I’d made. I wasn’t going back to Seattle. Not now, perhaps never.

He stopped short of my bed and ran a hand through his flaxen blond hair which was messy. His crystal blue eyes glared at me though they were smudged with dark circles underneath them. He seemed to wear an almost permanent scowl he tried to relax for my benefit. However the anger he still directed toward and had for me was so palpable, I could feel the tension in the room as it rose from him just being there with me.

I honestly didn’t know what to say to the man I still loved but the sight of him secretly made my skin crawl. Again, all I could think about was how easily I’d allowed him to slide for murdering my father. It didn’t seem right and I felt so weak and useless for the words I used which absolved him of his guilt.

He and his brother should have been guilty as hell. He had every right to look awful and I hoped he felt worse than how he looked. I couldn’t think of one good reason to feel any different and this saddened me because I always wanted to believe I was not a heartless or vengeful human being.

“I’m sure you’re wondering how we found you,” Colin greeted quietly with an intense glare.

“Not really. I was on the phone with Caitlyn when I slipped and fell. All she had to do was trace the phone I was using and although she might not know how to do that herself, you and Liam would,” I said though my voice did not belie my true feelings for him.

“She had a strong suspicion you would be here you know.” He walked around the room and began to examine the cards contained within the flowers. “Here or Los Angeles or Las Vegas—those were the most obvious choices.”

“Well they are all within a day’s drive and she knows me. I wouldn’t settle in the south or the Midwest and I am done with the East Coast. Plus I couldn’t drive that far. It’s important I settled close enough to be only a short plane ride away. In case you failed to realize it, the anniversary of my father’s death is coming up soon and my mother has pretty much been depressed beyond belief since it happened. She hasn’t had the chance to get over it like we have.”

Colin picked up a card attached to a beautiful black and red vase filled with white roses. “Who’s Drake?”

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him by lying on my side. “He’s my next door neighbor and the head chef at Rouge.”

“Is that all he is to you?”

“Not that it is any of your business but yes, that is all he is to me. In case you don’t realize it, I was alone last night when I decided to go out to dinner. I was on my way to the women’s restroom when I slipped and fell down the stairs. I wanted to check out his restaurant because he came by the other night and introduced himself to me by asking for a cup of Sugar in the Raw,” I stated with a little too much bite in my voice.

I didn’t owe Colin an explanation about Drake what so ever so why was I giving him one? Even if the guy was a lover, I had broken off our engagement and given him back his ring. We might as well be strangers all over again and if I had decided to have a wild, exaggerated and completely unrealistic love affair with Drake, now I’d lost the baby, I didn’t owe anyone any justifications for my actions what so ever.

He set the card down as if it were diseased. “Well, I wanted to make sure you were all right and I sincerely hoped we could talk about you…coming home.”

My side began to ache as cramps seized my abdomen and I turned onto my back again. “What part of I am home don’t you understand?” I glared at him and knew my eyes were cold and heartless but I’d reached the point beyond caring; I just wanted to get rid of him. “I’ve left Seattle, Colin—perhaps for good. I left our engagement, our home and our life together. I can’t trust you and although I love you very much, I can no longer pretend you and Liam didn’t do what you did.

“In a way, you two destroyed my life and my mother’s life and my sister’s life. Now, God strike me dead because I haven’t told my sister the truth but eventually she will learn what happened and that will be between her and Liam to work out. I want no part of it and I don’t want to be the one to break her heart because she would blame me, not him.”

“Oh, Deirdre, you always have to play the martyr!” Colin walked toward me and stopped just several inches from my bed. “That is what I don’t understand about you. You said everything was okay and we could pull through this but it was all a lie. You couldn’t handle the truth then and you certainly can’t handle it now. Why couldn’t you be honest with your feelings and emotions? Why must you always say one thing yet mean another? If I lied to you then you certainly lied to me so you are not innocent in this situation and stop pretending you are.”

I shook my head. “I can’t talk to you right now, Colin. Please, I just had a miscarriage and this isn’t exactly the best time to get into it with you about our former relationship.”

“That’s fine with me but listen when I tell you I am not going anywhere. I am staying here until you do feel well enough to talk to me and I won’t be leaving until we can hash this out. You got that?”

His face looked angry and his pallor was the color of beets but I looked past him and into the warm and handsome yet worried face of Drake. His pale greenish blue eyes looked concerned as he walked into my room and he held yet another vase full of roses though these were red.

“Is this a bad time?” he inquired out loud.

“No.”

“Yes.”

Colin and I looked at one another since we’d both spoken at the same time.

Drake looked from me to Colin and back again. “I’m Drake O’Connell. I also happen to be the neighbor of Deirdre’s and she was visiting my restaurant when this unfortunate incident happened. I’m a bit scared about being sued since the restaurant is half mine along with my very wealthy investor so I am trying to ply her with roses to hopefully stop a future law suit.”

Colin’s crystal blue eyes turned to ice. “Is this some kind of joke to you, buddy, because my fiancée just lost our child! I don’t find this situation amusing or funny in any way and just for you making such a lame ass attempt to make her laugh should have me running to my family’s attorney at this very moment.”

“Colin, please.” I grabbed his hand closest to mine and squeezed it gently. “Why don’t you go get a cup of coffee and come back in five minutes? Take some time and walk it off? I’m not going anywhere.”

Perhaps it was my tone of voice but he actually listened to my advice and reluctantly let go of my hand before he leaned over, kissed my forehead ever so softly and walked out of the room.