Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Nine





I didn’t expect to receive another visit from Liam and Caitlyn but they decided to stop by a day later on their way to the airport. Drake and I had a date planned for that night all the while Colin had work of his own to do between purchasing a new place to live and going over the paperwork attached to the business.

They both looked dashing and healthy. What the hell was I saying? They made the perfect couple because Liam was so masculine and tall against Caitlyn’s gentle feminine curves and Nordic beauty. She truly was a gorgeous young woman and next to her, while I didn’t feel exactly unattractive, I was merely good looking in comparison.

However by the way my future brother-in-law observed me, you would think he was looking over a delicious morsel that escaped his attention. Not that it was the truth at all; if we had never had our one night stand then there would have never been a baby and I wouldn’t have had to go through the humiliation of a pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

Now that I thought about it, Liam had every reason to feel like the cat with the cream—he’d had us both and now had the proper woman on his arm. My sister was a dream come true and she would also make a great wife and mother.

I’d recently finished showering and had my hair thrown up in a ponytail while I wore a pair of black jean shorts that showed off my legs to the best benefit and a white halter top that covered my stomach fully.

“Looks like you are coming along just fine,” Caitlyn greeted as she and Liam sat down on the love seat. “No one would have known you’d spent the last few days in the hospital.”

I smiled in an ingratiating manner. “Try telling my nether region area that shit. I am still in a lot of pain and until I heal completely, I can’t do anything below the waist so I am miserable to be honest.”

My sister gave me a knowing look with cool blue-gray eyes. “Perhaps that’s best—it’s how you got in trouble in the first place and we’d be blind to see you aren’t making your move toward this Drake character.”

Liam caressed Caitlyn’s hand. “We just wanted to say goodbye. Fortunately, some of us have real jobs and we only took a few days off. Just stay in touch and let us know how it is being caught in a tug o’ war with two men who desire you sexually.”

I sipped from my coffee and ended up burning my tongue. “First of all, I am not making any moves toward Drake because we’re just friends and second of all, how is my love life any of your business?”

“Your love life—as you so succinctly put it—became my business when you f*cked my boyfriend!” Caitlyn said rather loudly and rudely.

An awkward silence settled between the three of us before I looked Liam’s way and his diverted to my polished hard wood floor.

“Caitlyn, darling, you and Liam going out when we had sex and second of all, since we don’t plan to indulge again, what either one of us did with one another before I became involved with Colin and you became involved with him is none of your business,” I explained, clutching the hot coffee cup in my hand so tightly, I could feel the scald against my tender flesh.

My sister stood in a fury and stared down at me as if I were a piece of excrement. “That is where you’re wrong. I’m sorry if you can’t see that Liam’s previous love life has everything to do with our relationship now. I mean…did you run away because you found out the baby you were pregnant with was his child?”

I sipped from my coffee and avoided my sister’s question. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Liam tried to calm Caitlyn down but she backed away from both him and I. “My God, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you ran away like your ass was on fire and I was too wrapped up in my career to notice. That baby never belonged to Colin, it was Liam’s and you honestly thought you could make it all okay by just leaving? You should have aborted that kid the moment you knew you had to play the game ‘Guess the baby daddy’. You slut! You whore! And here poor Colin is begging for you to come back and I keep wondering why he would want you at all.”

Liam glared at me then and his eyes were blue ice. “Is this true? Was that baby mine?”

“Yes,” I whispered more to myself than him. “I had no idea until my OB-GYN told me she’d gotten the dates wrong and the baby was further along than she thought. We used condoms that night and I still don’t understand it how it happened, especially since Colin and I were so reckless during our European trip.”

I stood and walked over to my sister. “I swear to God I didn’t do this on purpose and when I found out, I knew Colin would never accept raising a child that didn’t belong to him genetically. Yes, he would have been there for me and held up the charade as long as he could but it would have eventually destroyed us and our marriage. How could I go through with anything when I was starting my life with another surrounded by this…colossal lie? I couldn’t do it so I did the only thing I knew how to do…I fled.”

Caitlyn whipped around and faced me. “You never thought about anyone else, did you? What about when Liam and I decided to have children? What about Colin? How could you be so damn selfish, Deirdre?”

“Now you’re expecting me to have predicted the future? How would I have known you and Liam would become a couple? I found out after I got back from my trip to Europe with Colin, Caitlyn.” I grabbed my sister by her shoulders and shook her. “Everything isn’t always about you!” I screamed.

“What is going on here?” a male voice inquired and I breathed a sigh of relief when Drake walked into the sitting room.

I felt like I was on the edge of losing my mind irrevocably and completely yet he’d saved me again and I had to admit I liked it a lot. I couldn’t help but walk over to him and collapse in his arms, tears streamed down my face as my whole world slowly began to break apart.

“Well, if it isn’t your white knight?” Caitlyn said in a drab tone before she collected herself and smoothed down her blonde hair. “Liam and I are going to be late for our flight. We’ll see you soon, Deirdre.”

I heard them as they stood and left my condo with a gentle close of the front door. I continued to cling to Drake and I couldn’t calm myself down. My sister had said some hurtful and awful statements to me. Did it ever occur to her that I couldn’t be cold and callous enough to abort a baby just because the father didn’t turn out who I’d wanted it to be?

It was true: I’d slept with Liam and whether it was a night of lust and passion, we hadn’t been as careful as we should have but I couldn’t throw an innocent life away. This miscarriage had been a complete and utter surprise. I was more than willing to raise a child on my own rather than end his or her life prematurely.

Perhaps she wouldn’t feel so goddamn self-righteous if she knew the truth about what Liam and Colin had done to our father but that wasn’t my place to tell her anything and I wasn’t about to break that promise to myself now, not even if she called me every dirty name in the book.

I slowly backed away from Drake as soon as I’d fully calmed down. “I think I am okay now.”

His gaze was intense and his eyes possessed much more blue than green at that moment. “Listen, I don’t like to pry so please don’t think I am some kind nosy parker but…your sister spoke to you like you were a piece of shit. Is she that insecure about her relationship with a man who obviously would rather be with her sister than her?”

“It’s not like that.” I grabbed my hair and held it at the nape of my neck before I let it go. “I’m nothing to Liam. I was just a conquest. His dream wife is a woman like Caitlyn and it shouldn’t have gone down the way it did but it happened and neither of us can do anything to change it. Unfortunately, neither can my sister either and although she is a bit of a control freak, she’ll calm down eventually.”

“Is she always so volatile? I would have never guessed it from looking at her but sometimes blondes can be worse than anyone…even redheads.” He breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m just glad they are gone because you don’t need that kind of poison in your life.”

I looked in his direction. “How do you know what I need, Drake? You don’t know me and you have no idea what happened? I could really say my sister is a horrible person but is she really after what I did to her? Do you think she and her future husband wanted some illegitimate kid wandering around out here related to the perfect family they will create in the real world?”

“Yeah, but you said it yourself. It happened before the two of them got together. Did you know they were going to get together? If you knew, perhaps you should have deserved the tip of her acid tongue”

“No, I didn’t.” I finished my coffee before walked into the kitchen where I placed the dirty cup in the dishwasher.

“Then come on, let’s go. I came by to pick you up and show you a good time. Something completely innocent and a bit naughty at the same time.” He smiled broadly at me and I couldn’t help but return his expression.

“Fine. But you have to give me a clue where the hell we’re going first. I don’t make it a habit to just wander off with strange men you know. It took Colin a while before he had my trust…” I trailed off.

What happened between Colin and I was irrelevant to this situation and I realized I had to stop bringing him up every time I wanted to make a point.

“Well, in case you haven’t realized it, I’m not Colin.”

“I never said you were,” I responded in a snarky voice. “I will just go freshen up and we can be on our way.”

I walked to the bathroom and began to run the water as I looked at myself in the vanity mirror. My breath smelled like stale coffee and though I’d brushed my teeth earlier, I repeated the process, re-did my makeup and made sure I looked all right in what I’d decided to wear.

It didn’t take long for my confidence to shatter and I ran to the bedroom where I changed into a pair of black skinny jeans and a white tank top. I grabbed a gray Harvard sweatshirt from my closet just in case I got cold and slipped on a pair of black, comfortable ballet flats. I was completely casual and stylish without feeling uncomfortable but I wasn’t sure whether or not this was to deter Drake or maybe make him wonder what existed beneath my clothes even more.

As I walked into the sitting room, he whistled out loud. “Nice to see you can be low maintenance as well as high maintenance. Where we’re going, you look perfect and casual.

I laughed out loud and allowed him to lead me to the door. I hoped what ever happened between us, we had fun and more than anything, it would erase the cruel words my sister had said to my face earlier that morning without a thought to anyone’s feelings other than her own.





True to Drake’s word, he drove me somewhere unexpected and fun. We ended up spending the day at the beach and it was much more fun than I anticipated. However, this was no casual outing at the beach because he specifically took me to La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club where he possessed a membership and we were able to walk along the private shoreline of a pristine beach barefoot.

There were families out and about but everyone minded their own business and it was a wonderful experience. It took an event like this for me to realize I kept attracting the same type of men. Despite his tattoos and “couldn’t give a damn attitude”, he still came from money and it showed. From the way he treated people to his calm, laid-back attitude among people with wealth, power and prestige.

We ended the evening at The Shores which was an exclusive restaurant within the club located on the beach. I really did feel like we had bonded during that day with all the conversations we had about our friends and family, how we’d grown up and how much my father’s death had affected the dynamics between my mother, sister and I.

Over steamed Mediterranean black mussels and alcoholic beverages called La Jolla Cove which were made from vodka, Grand Marnier and fresh blood orange juice, he studied me with an intense glare in his pale greenish blue eyes.

“I am pretty quick on the uptake…why do I feel like part of the reason you left Seattle has to do with your father’s death. Tell me, what did the van der Meer brothers do to you?” Drake inquired in a low voice.

I sipped from my La Jolla Cove before I replied, “What makes you think they did anything at all? Couldn’t I have just wanted to leave and desire to live somewhere differently? California is another world compared to Washington State and I just needed a change.”

“Really? And neither one of the brothers had anything to do with your decision?”

What could I say? I wouldn’t dare tell Drake the truth but I was tired of the lies; they’d actually become mind-numbing and exhausting to be honest.

“Well, Colin did or I wouldn’t have left him but that’s all water under the bridge, similar to your relationship with Mikayla—”

“Completely different from what went down between Mikayla and I because we were never engaged.” Drake wiped his mouth with the white cloth napkin provided before he sipped from his drink. “And we weren’t expecting a child…not one I ever found out about anyway. She would have quietly aborted it and I wouldn’t have been the wiser. She’s not the type of woman you would expect me to date, Deirdre, it’s as simple as that.

“Not to mention Kayla was an unpleasant and unexpected surprise to so many people—mainly my friends and the family I do still communicate with on a regular basis. They certainly didn’t mince words or hide their disappointment in my selection of female companionship. Then again, that crowd isn’t used to biting their tongue—they’ve always said what they wanted to say all their lives and that entitlement follows them into adulthood.”

I shrugged my shoulders and tried to center myself. It was truly the only way I was going to forget about what I didn’t want to discuss and change the subject. “Colin and I drifted apart. It’s as simple as that and perhaps we were using the baby as a band aid. I’m not saying I am grateful for the miscarriage but sometimes, certain situations in our life aren’t meant to be. It has come to a point in my life I’m not sure if Colin and I are supposed to be together.

“Does that make me a bad person because I couldn’t live in the same city with him and pretended I left for different reasons? Perhaps but I did what I had to do and what was best for my peace of mind. As you can see, my sister and her boyfriend don’t approve but they aren’t in our relationship so it is really none of their business what we do or don’t do.”

“You seem quite sure of yourself and the fact that they won’t be in and out of your life only you have forgotten one huge drawback.” Drake set his glass down and peered at me from across the table. “Colin has moved here to be with you and ‘help you with your business’ so to me, that doesn’t sound like a man who is throwing in the towel any time soon.”

“Yes, you’re right,” I replied before I leaned over and smiled in a slightly devious way. “However, he can stay here as long as he wants but he can’t stop me from falling for someone else if it just happens so what harm is it for him to stay if he wants to torture himself?”

“True, he can’t stop you from falling for another guy…but he sure as hell could make our lives unpleasant and difficult. Never underestimate what love will drive some people to do.”

I glanced up at Drake with a coy smile on my face as I finished up my drink. “Is that a subtle way of telling me you’re interested in me?”

“Well, I thought I’d made it quite obvious but if I haven’t then yes, I am informing you now that I would like to get to know you better. We are neighbors and I find you intelligent, warm, fascinating and kind. I know you might not be ready to hop from one relationship into the next so I can do the ‘friend’ thing for a while but my ultimate goal is to have you as my significant other,” Drake explained shortly before the waiter came over to take our orders.

I decided to have the center cut swordfish while Drake ordered braised lamb shank. We switched from cocktails to wine—he decided on a great year of Cabernet Sauvignon while I ordered a glass of Chardonnay. I wasn’t crazy about that particular white wine but the year was good enough I decided to try it out after all.

I still couldn’t believe he’d said that to me and I kept glancing from my furtive people-watching back to his pale greenish blue eyes.

They were part of the reason why he was so incredibly attractive. I had never seen anyone with eyes so pale and green yet they possessed a lot of blue as well as could go from the color of Colombian emeralds which were an intoxicating mixture of pale green and blue to aquamarine. However, more often than not, they always appeared to be more green than blue regardless what shade they were.

“You’ve been quiet. Is something bothering you?” Drake inquired in a soft voice.

I was snapped back into the present and smiled before I cocked my head slightly to the side. “Is this the place where you bring all the girls you are wooing at any given time?”

His dark eyebrows shot up. “No, not really, because the truth is I haven’t really been with anyone since Mikayla and we have been broken up for a while. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’m a man so I’ve had my fair share of one night stands and quickie affairs since I have been single. However, you are the one person I have been interested in since Kayla. I do want to sleep with you—don’t get me wrong—but I don’t want it to be a quick wham, bam, thank you ma’am thing. I am truly interested in you as a person.”

I sipped from my Chardonnay before I questioned, “Why me? What the hell is so special about me?”

“You’re the whole package, Deirdre. You might not see that but men do and it’s hard to turn down someone as alluring as you are. I would be a fool not to be interested in you. You’re the kind of woman a man can imagine being his wife and the mother of his children.”

Drake swigged from his wine. “You know how old I am so I won’t repeat it ad nauseum but I have gotten to a certain age when I am looking for the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and although I don’t know you very well, I hope to rectify that situation and hopefully, we do bridge that gap.

“I don’t want to move too fast because I know you just came out of a situation that has your nerves frazzled and you’re not quick to trust new people. I get that but I hope knowing I am Drew’s cousin puts you at rest. I am not an absolute, positively complete stranger. I would have him to answer to if I ever broke your heart. Besides, it’s not as if it’s the first time we have met. I suppose your memory isn’t as good as mine. I just happen to never forget a face.”

I searched my brain and the memory came back to me as if it had always been there and I hadn’t just recalled it. He was right, we had met before and I refused to recall our earlier acquaintance.

It was at a party Drew held at his parents’ house when we were still at Harvard. We were on our last year of our Masters in Business Administration and he introduced his wayward cousin who had just flown in from Paris and the exclusive Le Cordon Bleu in Paris. It turned out he’d been out of university for the past two years but had been cooking in restaurants around Paris for low wages just to finely craft his culinary expertise. His salary was paltry but the kind of experience he learned over that period of time in his life could never be duplicated anywhere else and had ultimately made him a better chef.

I remembered thinking how odd it was for them to be named Drew and Drake. They seemed more like twins than cousins but then their mothers’ were very close sisters and both christened their sons with names that started with a ‘D’.

“Now you bring it up, how could I ever forget? You were with a small petite blonde at the time but she was natural so I assume that wasn’t Mikayla?”

“No.” He laughed out loud. “That was Gisele and she was a Parisian woman I met while I lived there. We were very close and had a relationship for pretty much the whole time I was there. The only reason why we broke up was because she had no wish to come to the States to live and I knew I wasn’t returning to Paris. Neither of us believed in long-distance relationships. She is still one of my best friends and we speak often.”

“Is she still single?” I wondered out loud.

“I don’t know what she would consider her status because she was married to a man who was from Quebec City and they had a two-year-old son but they’re in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. It’s been really hard on her and we have spoken a lot about the situation.”

I smiled shyly and he turned toward me before he changed the subject and switched to a more pleasant subject.

That was our night together and I loved that about him already. He had a habit of not really judging people and he certainly wasn’t melancholy in the slightest bit. He was incredibly happy-go-lucky and seemed to have no idea how good looking he was though he could look at me and literally make my heart melt at times.

I liked his self-depreciating attitude and his easy going disposition. What was there not to admire about him and whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was starting to fall for him. No matter what happened between us, we were bound to get hurt in the process and that’s what began to break my heart even if it hadn’t happened yet.