Only Love (The Atonement Series)

CHAPTER Eight





Somehow, despite the odds, I made it through dinner with Drake to my left and Colin to my right. It started out awkward but once the alcohol began to flow, everyone loosened up and I truly did remember what a great person Colin still happened to be and how much fun he was to be around.

However, Drake was even more of a gem and the better he acted towards my situation with Colin, the more sexually attracted I felt to him. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Colin or I wasn’t sexually attracted to him because I was but my feelings for Drake were different. More intense and not so readily identifiable in the strictest sense; they didn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason and that is what I had a hard time wrapping my head around.

He was the opposite to Colin in every way who was blond, blue eyed and fair skinned though he held a hint of color in his skin to stop him from looking pale and sickly. Drake was dark with the exception of those beautiful eyes with lightly tanned skin, a five o’clock shadow he shaved more often than not and that air of being a bad boy Colin could never quite pull off because he had such an innocent face and a calm disposition. Oh I knew Colin was deadly but Drake radiated danger and somehow I found myself drawn to him like the old moth to a flame cliché.

Shortly after dinner, we all gathered in the living room but before I could sit down properly with my third glass of Pinot Grigio, Colin touched my arm gently. “Do you think it would be all right if we talked out on the patio for a moment?” He paused, his crystal blue eyes bright with early signs of intoxication but he was far from drunk. “Seriously, just talk, nothing else. I promise I won’t try to corner you or make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

I looked in Drake’s direction but he was too busy talking cuisine with Drew and Aubrey. “All right but I’m warning you now I’ve made up my mind and I won’t be coming back to Seattle any time soon—”

“You made that perfectly clear in the hospital,” he interrupted gently in an even-toned voice.

We walked out to my patio and I turned on the light so we could see one another. Both of us felt more comfortable leaning against the balcony, him with his Heineken and me with my wine glass of Pinot Grigio.

“Listen, I’m not here to try to talk you out of your relationship with Drake because it’s obvious to me and everyone else you’ve made up your mind.”

“Hold up. First of all, I am not in a relationship with Drake,” I replied defensively.

Colin touched my cheek softly before he snatched his right hand away as if I’d burned him. “He’s going to make his move soon enough and you’re more than receptive. I can see that. Although it hurts my heart very much and the thought of another man touching you and being with you makes my blood boil, I will put up with it because that is what friends do. I realize you no longer want to marry me but I have always cherished our friendship, Deirdre and yes, I do intend to stay here in La Jolla because it’s where you’re happy.”

“What about your business with Drew?” I inquired out loud. “I mean, if you dare tell me you are going back to bar jobs and being a barista with your Harvard degree then I will personally kill you myself.”

“I will still own the bar with Drew but he and Aubrey can handle it while I am away. Actually, I want to buy in on your coffee shop and co-own Ground Beans with you. We both know I am more knowledgeable about the coffee industry than you are so I would be more than happy to help,” he explained with a hint of snarkiness to his tone.

I laughed out loud. “I would love to act all tough shit and tell you to take your money and shove it but I do need all the help I can get with Ground Beans. I know you would be do a lot better job handling the employees than I do and you’re right, I miss our friendship too. More than you could ever know.”

He leaned against the railing and let the gentle breeze flow through his silky fair hair. “They say everything happens for a reason and I always thought those people were full of bullshit but…perhaps we needed that to happen and maybe you do deserve some time away from me. You may think I am being altruistic and a bit of a wimp but I have my ulterior motives. I am secretly hoping you and Drake crash and burn so I can be here to pick up the pieces.”

I smiled wryly. “Well, at least you’re honest.”

Colin leaned in toward me and if I didn’t have cramps from hell ravaging my body, I might have taken him up on the offer his body language was sending out to me loud and clear but at the last minute, I chickened out and backed away.

“This can’t happen. Not after I just got out of the hospital but to answer your question, yes, I am still very much attracted to you. I can’t promise you anything though because I’m not sure what I want and until I do, it isn’t fair to you or me.”

“You’re right.” His arms slipped around my waist as he pulled me closer to him and buried his face in my hair. “I miss doing this more than anything. Does that sound cheesy?”

“No.” My arms slid around his neck and the feel of his clothed body pressed against mine was almost more than I could take.

I was certifiable and had no idea what the hell I wanted hence it was a good thing I couldn’t do anything with anyone.

I don’t remember when we separated from one another but eventually we let each other go and walked back inside. The little get together continued for a couple more hours before Colin left with Drew and Aubrey. I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone until I heard the toilet flush in the hallway bathroom and Drake emerged moments later with freshly washed hands.

I smiled at him as I leaned against the opposite wall. “Well, aren’t you just as sneaky as your cousin? I thought you’d left.”

He grinned back before he pushed his body against mine. There was nothing gentlemanly about his behavior what so ever. “Nope, not on your life, woman—I may have not gone to Harvard but I did go to the Ivy League of culinary institutions and I am far from stupid. I wanted some quality time with you too like your ex enjoyed on the balcony. I noticed you two didn’t kiss. Can I ask why?”

He was too close to me and he smelled so good, a mixture of some expensive cologne from Christian Dior and his own manly scent. I was intoxicated by too much Pinot Grigio and the sheer maleness of Drake O’Connell. It wasn’t fair for me to feel this way especially when his nose was pressed against mine intentionally. He didn’t want us to kiss but we were close enough.

“I don’t want to confuse Colin. It’s not fair to lead him on when I’m not sure what it is I want at this time in my life.”

He face leaned into the crux of my neck as he whispered into my ear, “What do you want, Deirdre?”

“I don’t know but I have never been part of one of these…triangles and…I feel a little bit out of my comfort zone and definitely out of my depth. It’s not fair and I curse my female hormones. How could I want you when we are around one another in this rush of insta-lust yet I know I still love Colin and could go back to him? Maybe not now but eventually, I would cave. I can’t be around him every day and not think we might be better off together than apart,” I explained and tried not to allow his chin—pressed firmly against the left side of my collar bone—to send any shivers down toward my belly.

For God’s sake, even if I wanted to get “freaky” with him or any other man, it wasn’t a possibility. A miscarriage wasn’t as simple as it sounded and I was still discharging downstairs like I was on my period. I liked sex as much as the next young person but never during that time of the month and I might as well be suffering through a period as far as I was concerned.

Drake pulled away from me and took a step back though we were still too close for comfort as far as I was concerned. “What do you mean you two will be around each other all the time? What’s going on? He’s not going back to Seattle with Drew and Aubrey?”

“No, he’s not. He’s decided to buy half of the coffee shop, Ground Beans, and I have agreed to sell it to him. I don’t know what I am doing and he’s always been better at the whole food industry gig than I could ever be. It’s just easier this way and he’s determined to stay here in La Jolla for a while. He isn’t prepared to give up on me yet.”

Drake took my left hand and we walked to the sofa inside the living room. He sat down and I sat next to him, our thighs touching intimately. He turned toward me and his pale greenish blue eyes looked intensely into my own.

“Listen, I know I must have come off as some kind of player. You see earrings, tattoos and the whole mob connection because I share a restaurant with my ex who happens to be part of the Shevchenko crime family but…I was born and raised the same way as Drew. We weren’t that different growing up, you know, and my family was highly disappointed I turned out the way I did.”

He grabbed my hand again and held it within his own; his palm was warm but soft and dry. “I should be running for Congress, not owning some ritzy place in La Jolla with a family that could end my family’s political career. It makes no difference they disowned me but I am still here to be the perpetual embarrassment and I can accept that. However, I don’t want you to think I am any less conventional than someone like Colin.”

“I’m not exactly sure what you mean.” My free hand slipped a lock of wavy dark hair behind my ear. “I mean…I’m a one-man woman and don’t believe in any sort of behavior that would have me torn between two men. Believe me, if something happens between the two of us then Colin will understand and he isn’t the type who would expect anything other than my loyalty and friendship. There is nothing wrong with that to me. Don’t you still talk to Mikayla?”

A fierce hardness immediately etched itself into Drake’s features and all blue seemed to leave his irises as he glared in my direction. “No, I don’t. I can’t stand the bitch because she broke my heart and ended a friendship between someone who’d I known since we were in culinary school together. It was a joke to her and they still date one another—if you call getting together for bootie calls dating.”

“Well you have got to understand it’s a bit different for Colin and I. We were engaged and I still care very deeply for him. A lot of the anger I felt for him simply isn’t there and I can’t just cut him out of my life. Does that make sense to you?”

Drake stood to his feet before he turned toward me and plastered a less than genuine smile on his face. “To a certain extent but I gotta tell you that I am extremely attracted to you, Deirdre. I am thirty-one years old and I’m not getting any younger…you’re perfect for me because you’re worldly and intelligent. You have a good head on your shoulders and I know you wouldn’t be the type to cheat. All of those are very important qualities to me in a potential partner. Do you understand what I am trying to say?”

“Of course and I feel the same way, Drake, but I am very loyal to my friends and family. I can’t just cut people out of my life and I hope you can come to terms with that. If something happens between us then you have to allow me to be friends with Colin. He’s my ex-fiancé and though I don’t think we can be in a romantic relationship, I do treasure his friendship.”

“We’ll talk about this at another time, okay?” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You rest now and I’ll let myself out. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

I nodded though his back was to me. “Night, Drake.”

“Goodnight, Deirdre.”

The moment I heard the door close, I stood and slid the deadbolt in place before I walked to my bedroom and changed out of the clothes I’d worn all day and into a pair of comfy pajamas.

I had absolutely no idea what the future held but I did know that if I decided to enter a relationship with Drake, my friendship with Colin would become a problem. What exactly did he find so threatening about my ex-fiancé? Perhaps it was just a male thing and he simply had no wish for me to be friends with someone who I had previously been intimate with though that just seemed a bit silly in this day and age. Our relationship had not ended amicably but we were both trying to make the best of a bad situation.

I wouldn’t worry about that now though. It was all too dreary and depressing and I merely wanted to concentrate on the present.

My eyes slowly closed and before I could think of another coherent thought, I had fallen sound asleep.