I Love You to Death

Infinity, like love, is a quantity without bound or end
∞

Playlist:
1. Everlasting Love – U2 version
∞

Death.
The only certainty in life.
That’s what they say anyway, but really, they underestimate the power of other things. The power of choice and the power of fighting for that choice.
But most of all, they underestimate the power of love.
They say love makes the world go around, but that’s just not true.
It’s infinite and it can do so much more than that.
I was wrong when I said you can’t stop death. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can and it is the most amazing feeling.
I was only one minute old when the first person died.
And I was only just twenty-seven years old when I died.
∞

I am surrounded by blackness. It’s everywhere. The pain is back now, but it’s no longer throbbing, more of a slow, dull ache. I am not cold anymore. I can hear a faint, steady beeping that sounds muted and far away. The loud noises and voices have all gone though. It’s peaceful and quiet, finally.
I don’t know where I am, but I have a sudden, vivid memory of fear, a lot of fear. I remember being so very afraid, but I can’t remember why.
I have no idea where I am now, but I don’t want to be here. I try and open my eyes.
It’s dark but there’s soft light coming from somewhere and it doesn’t hurt my eyes this time. I want to move, but my body feels so heavy, weighed down by itself. I try slowly turning my head. The pain doesn’t get any worse when I do, just sits somewhere low in my stomach. I realise now that I’m lying on a bed in a darkened room that I don’t recognise. My head is resting on a soft pillow and I can feel something in my hand.
I blink a few times and everything around me finally comes into focus.
Luke.
He is here. He’s sitting beside me and he’s holding my hand in both of his. His head is resting on the bed I’m lying in. He’s facing me, but his eyes are closed as though he is sleeping.
A sharp pain suddenly lances through my chest, bringing with it a nauseating dread. Oh god, I remember now, I remember everything.
Luke coming in to work and picking me up. His beautiful new tattoo. Going home and drowning in each other. Their amazing show, the new song he wrote for me, the backroom, my birthday. Being so incredibly happy, loving him.
But then there was the dark alley, the man, and the cold hard metal of the gun. The gun that was pointing at Luke. The gun that was going to take him away from me. There was pain and an aching, frightening terror that took over. Terror that was replaced with anger, a fierce determination, and a sudden burst of excruciating agony that took everything else away, that made the world go black.
I remember making a choice; fighting for him, trying to protect him. I wanted to stop him from dying.
He was holding my hand the whole time, I remember that too. I wanted to let him know that I knew, that I knew he was there, but nothing would work, I couldn’t move my hand or my body. My eyes were shut. I was freezing cold, weighed down and hurting so bad, but he kept holding my hand. Through everything, he kept holding my hand.
I remember all of it now, I thought I was dying.
Luke.
I try squeezing my hand again. This time, somehow it finally moves and when it does, Luke’s eyes instantly open. Beautiful blue eyes find my face and are immediately filled with tears. I try smiling at him, let him know that it’s ok now, but I’m engulfed in him. Strong arms wrap themselves around me, gently but firmly. His lips are on my cheek, pressing soft kisses and I can feel his tears on my face, his words in my ear. Asha, oh god Asha, I love you. I love you so much.
I lift my arm and Luke pulls back a little. I reach out and gently brush the tears from his cheek now and he leans into my touch.
"Hey," I whisper, my voice barely audible through my aching throat, my own eyes filling with tears.
He smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart. "Hey beautiful," he whispers before leaning in and gently kissing my lips.
I saved him, I really saved him.
∞

When I wake up this time, it’s lighter and I can hear voices. The pain is fading and it’s easier to move now. Luke is still here, finally sleeping, but stretched out on the bed beside me. The nurses don’t like him sleeping in my bed, but we both ignore them. I need to keep him close to me. I slowly roll over and watch him; lightly run my hand over his soft hair. It’s growing out a little because he hasn’t cut it for a while. I’ve been in the hospital for four days now and he hasn’t left me. He doesn’t say the words, but he doesn’t leave. Jared and Mia have brought us both some fresh clothes.
His hand is in mine and our fingers are threaded together, neither of us letting go. He wears my ring, the one that used to belong to my Dad, on one of his fingers now. I gently twist it around as he lies beside me.
"It’s yours Ash," he says quietly, his eyes still closed. "I was only looking after it for you."
He must have put it on when I first came in that night. It looks good on him. I pull his hand to my mouth and press a kiss to his palm. "No Luke, it’s yours now, I want you to have it," I whisper.
He smiles as he drifts back to sleep again.
I lightly kiss his forehead and then carefully sit up as a nurse comes into my room, trying not to disturb Luke. I feel his fingers tighten around mine, but he doesn’t open his eyes. I gently brush my other hand over his hair again. I can’t stop touching him.
"He never leaves huh?" the nurse says quietly, as she puts a breakfast tray beside my bed. She’s brought extra food.
I shake my head smiling.
She smiles back at me and then leaves the room, pulling the curtains around my bed before she goes.
I turn back and watch him sleep. When I first woke up and saw his face, his eyes, his beautiful smile, I knew I’d done the right thing, had made the right choice. That it had all been worth it, he was so worth fighting for and I would do it all over again if I had to. In a heart beat.
He is so beautiful.
∞

Now I am woken by soft, gentle touches, by fingers running slowly down my spine. Kisses pressed to my skin and strong arms holding me tight. I have no idea what time it is, the only noise is the sound of rain outside. I smile, bury my face in his neck and breathe in his scent; his arms tighten, pulling me closer. I feel warm and safe, surrounded by him.
I am back home, in the apartment I share with Luke and Jared. Mia is still here, she hasn’t gone back to Chicago yet. I want to talk to her because I think things might be happening with Jared now. I think they’re finally talking to each other again.
In three months the guys are going to LA. They’re really getting to record their album. It all happened after that night; the industry people really meant what they said and want to sign them. They are all so excited.
It wasn’t always like that though; at first Luke didn’t want anything to do with it, at first Luke didn’t even want to tell me about it.
"Why don’t you want to go Luke? This is a fantastic opportunity, such a big thing for you guys, you really should go."
He smiles sadly at me. We are curled up together on our bed. I came home from the hospital only yesterday, after spending a week in there. Luke still hasn’t left me. Poor Robert has lost two staff members because of this, because Luke refuses to go back to work and I can’t. I told him I was fine, that Mia was here anyway and would look after me, but he still won’t leave.
"I can’t Ash, I just can’t," he says quietly.
"Luke," I say firmly, my hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "Tell me why not?"
I wonder if it’s something to do with his parents. If he’s afraid of going back there, being in the same city as them again. I already know he won’t see them, won’t ever get in contact with them. Although a part of me is sad they can’t see the man he has become, I completely understand his refusal. His Dad destroyed their relationship the day he hit Luke and his Mom did the day she ignored it. It’s up to them to mend that mistake, not Luke.
"Because I don’t want to be apart from you Ash, I can’t spend months in LA apart from you," he whispers sadly.
I smile now, finally realising what the real reason is and the sad look on Luke’s face turns to total confusion.
"What?" he asks.
I lean up and kiss his jaw. "I was planning on coming with you Luke," I say, smiling. "I thought you’d know that?"
Luke wraps his arms tighter around me, pulling me onto his lap as he softly kisses me again and again. "Asha, I really hoped you would. I want you to, I really want you to, because I don’t want to do this without you, I can’t do this without you."
I pull back a little, still smiling at him and brush my fingers over his cheek. "You won’t Luke; we’ll do it together okay? All of it, we’ll do together."
Holding my face in his hands, Luke rests his forehead on mine as he whispers, "Always."
I can’t wait to go. I’ve never been to LA and I can’t wait to see where he grew up. And after the album’s made, they are going on tour, a promotional trip around the States to begin with. There’s even talk of supporting another band, being their opening act. I am so proud of him, so proud of all of them, they really deserve it and I cannot wait to watch the rest of world discover how amazing they are.
Now we’ve decided to go, I dig my camera out again, trying to remember what it used to feel like in my hands. Luke smiles when he sees me, but doesn’t say anything.
"I want to capture all of these moments for you, record all of the amazing things that I know are going to happen for you now." I reply to his unasked question, sneaking in a quick shot of him as he stands there smiling at me.
His blue eyes meet mine as he walks over, pulls me into his arms and says, "You are the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me Asha. You."
So very worth it.
∞

Everyone’s coming over tonight to start discussing plans for LA. Pete and I are definitely going and we’re trying to convince Sarah to come too. Even though it’s new, I think Ben wants her to and I suspect Sarah wants to as well. I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to convince her and poor Robert won’t know what’s hit him if she leaves too. He’s already lost me and Luke; neither of us is going back now. I’m still not sure about Mia yet, not sure what her plans are. I keep watching them and hoping, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to her alone to find out what’s really going on. I’ve noticed things though; catch them watching each other, so I’m hopeful.
Tonight will be the first time everyone has been together since I came home. I saw them all in hospital, but tonight is my third night home and we’re getting together to celebrate everything that’s happened for them. I can’t wait, because I love having everyone together. They are my friends, but they are also my family now, the family I wanted so badly.
Luke is cooking dinner for all of us. He laughed at me earlier when I offered to help him.
"What?" I ask him, trying to be serious.
"Ash, beautiful, I love you more than anything, but your cooking...I’m really not sure how much help you’re gonna be in there," Luke says, smiling at me as he gestures into the kitchen, his blue eyes sparkling.
"Hey, I can help!" I reply, pretending to be hurt by his comment, but unable to hide my smile.
Luke just pulls me into his arms as he whispers, "Well, we could always make tiramisu for dessert."
I groan as I reach up and press my lips to his, pushing him into the kitchen to get started.
God, I love him.
∞

I did die.
I died for exactly thirteen seconds. One second for each life I’d lost, including my own.
By the time it finally happened, I was in the emergency room at the hospital. I was lying on the trolley, covered in blood and losing even more. Doctors were scrambling over me, fighting for me. Luke was holding my hand. A bullet was lodged inside of me and my heart was stopping.
Breaking; is what it felt like to me.
I can remember all of it now, every single thing that happened that night, right up until my heart stopped beating. They brought me back. I died, but somehow they brought me back. Then I had to have surgery. The bullet had torn through me and they needed to repair it, remove it from my body. It’s the only time Luke let go of my hand and it’s only because they made him.
But when I finally woke up, he was there, sitting beside my bed, holding my hand. Alive.
Now Luke lies beside me, his fingers tracing slow patterns on my skin as he kisses my scar. Reverent kisses of thanks. "For saving my life Asha," he whispers against me, igniting my whole body.
He has no idea how much he’s saved mine, I think, as I pull his mouth to mine and we lose ourselves in each other. No idea.
∞

I feel different now.
Something inside of me changed that night; from my decision, from the bullet or from dying. I don’t know what it was, but I feel very different, like it’s all somehow changed me. I don’t know if what happened in my past was always just bad luck, wrong place, and wrong time as Sam said; or random accidents like Luke said. Or maybe it had always been about me and by dying, I have somehow finally changed things. I don’t even know if it’s all stopped, but for the first time in my life, I am choosing to be hopeful that it has.
In any case, I’m choosing not to be afraid anymore. I’m choosing to live now. I have to.
I do still think of Sam, but I have accepted that he’s gone and I’m really trying to accept that it was not my fault. It’s hard in other ways though, because his death brought me Luke, who I just can’t let go of. But I do think back to the words Sam left me, asking me; to be happy, to travel the world, to fall in love again and to live.
I know I have that now. And I know why.
Luke is and continues to be, amazing. He makes me laugh, every single day and he still makes me cupcakes whenever I want them. He’s the reason I’m not afraid anymore. He’s the reason I want to choose now. And he’s the reason I’m always going to fight. He’s everything to me.
He loves me.
And I love him.
More and more every day.
More than I ever thought possible.
And now, I never stop telling him why.
I have no idea what the future holds, but for the first time, the possibilities feel infinite.


Acknowledgements
None of this would have been possible without the help of several amazing people. Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations – you seriously rock girl! Thank you so very much for creating such a beautiful cover for this story. I absolutely love it! Thank you for all of the other stuff too, the stuff you didn’t need to help me with but did anyway, I truly appreciate it. Colleen Hoover, your books are awesome! Thank you for correcting my rookie mistake – Tim Tams are yours anytime you want them. Natasha (Natasha is a Book Junkie) and Jen and Gitte (Totally Booked) - thank you for the love you showed this book before it was even released, I am blown away! Natasha, you are a one woman PR machine and I cannot thank you enough for all that you've done. To all the writers at FP who took the time to read and review the early chapters I posted online. I’ve never met any of you, but you all helped shape this story in so many different ways and I hope it’s better for it. Tracy, you share my passion for books and really thought I could do this, thank you. Lisa, thank you for picking up all the little stuff and curbing my over-use of certain words, for the perfect Ed Sheeran song and teaching me what a 7th note is all about. Cathy, I know I owe you tissues, lots of them, but thank you for loving him as much as I do and always wanting more - you never know! Jackie, my BFF, you told me to never give up the dream and you always believed I could do this. Thank you for always being honest, for always being happy to read it, but more importantly for the friendship, the awesome TV suggestions and everything else you do. Andrei, my BF, you wanted me to just finish something. Well I did! I know it’s not the one we talked about and I promise I will get back to that story one day, but I'm going to have to say it; not so much a "gonna girl" now huh! Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for those cupcakes (when you didn’t even realise) and thank you for always supporting all of my ideas, but especially the crazy ones. I love you.