I Love You to Death

By many, eight is regarded as lucky, yet by some it classifies you as crazy
∞

Playlist:
1. Lay it down – The Rubens
2. Girls like you – The Naked & Famous
3. Bloodstream – Stateless
∞

I feel like I’m going crazy, really going crazy. I don’t know why I didn’t notice this was all happening. Why I didn’t realise what he was doing to me or even what I was starting to feel now too.
This time around it was so different, but still.
I should’ve recognised what it meant when it all started happening again.
∞

When I eventually told Sam about me, he suggested maybe I should talk to someone.
"Why, because you think I’m crazy?" I asked angrily.
"No Ash," he said, immediately trying to calm me down. "I just think after everything you’ve been through, losing your friends, your aunt and stuff, that maybe talking to someone about it, would be a good idea babe."
I turned away from him, embarrassed. "I thought I could talk to you," I answered quietly.
"Ash," he said gently, pulling me into a hug. "You can always talk to me babe. But I’m scared I don’t know the right things to say. Scared maybe you need to talk to someone who understands all these things, tell you it’s ok to feel all this." His hands brushed my hair back as he kissed me. "I’m afraid I could make it worse."
I smiled at him. "You don’t make it worse Sam, I promise. You’re the only person I’ve ever felt I could tell this to. You’re the only person I’ve ever told and to be honest, I can’t believe you’re still here, especially after hearing it all."
Sam tightened his arms then, pulling my head onto his shoulder. "Ash, I’ll always be here babe, always."
Even then, those words sent a shiver through me.
But, I did take his advice and a couple of weeks later I found myself a therapist. And in the end, she was fantastic. She said a lot of great things to me, most of which I don’t believe anymore, especially now, but at the time they seemed to work.
Her name was Angela and she must have been in her fifties. She was very sweet and very patient and very good at listening to me. Actually I think what it really was, is she was very good at getting me to talk to her, to open up a little. I didn’t tell her everything, not like I’d told Sam, but I did talk to her about all the people I’d lost, about my fears of losing more, especially those closest to me.
"Feeling this way is very normal Ash," she said to me. "Everybody gets angry when they lose someone they love, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. Everybody worries that it might happen again."
I wanted to tell her for me, it always happened again.
Angela said these feelings of anger and fear often stem from a wanting to have the chance to see and do everything we could ever possibly want to do. That a lot of it was a selfish need to make sure we didn’t miss out. But the other part was also about not getting the chance to say goodbye to someone we truly care about and how that can destroy our ability to get close to someone else, for fear of it all happening again, for fear of being hurt.
"You need to believe that there’s nothing you could’ve done to change things Ash, that these things do happen and it’s just a part of life."
I really struggled to believe her when she told me that.
Angela also told me I had to forgive myself. That I had to let it all go, I needed to let it go. Yes, it was okay to be angry and sad and to miss the people I’d lost, but eventually I had to move on. It wasn’t healthy to keep all that anger and pain bottled inside me, because in the end it would hurt not just me, but those around me too.
I wish I could’ve known back then what I know now. I wish I could’ve understood how true her words would be. Because looking back, I now realise just how right she was, how the constant death I’ve had to endure, the people I love being taken from me, has made me into the person I am today.
I know I’m not really crazy, but I do know I keep losing people and because of that, I’m afraid to let anyone in, afraid to form attachments and afraid of falling in love again.
Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.
∞

On Monday morning when I walk in to work, Luke is already here. I didn’t see or speak to him for the rest of the weekend and I assume Mia has now gone back to Chicago. Her words are still running around in my head, but we never spoke more about it for the rest of the night. And I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all the things she did tell me.
After I dump my bag in the staff room, I go in to say hi and see if he wants his usual coffee. I’m nervous about seeing him, knowing all the things I now know. I wonder if Mia told him what she said to me. I wonder what he would think, if he knew what I knew. What he would do?
I wonder what I should do.
When I walk into the kitchen, I’m distracted from my thoughts because something smells divine, I mean truly divine.
"Hey," I say, "coffee?"
Luke looks up at me and smiles. God, he really does have a nice smile. I feel myself smiling back at him, and my first thought is maybe he doesn’t know what Mia said to me.
"Sure, thanks Ash. Then come back out here, I have something for you," he says before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing. I turn and walk out to the front, not sure exactly what that something will be. Maybe he does know what she said. I have no idea, I really have no idea.
I make us coffee. I walk back into the kitchen and I go over to Luke and put his coffee down. In front of him are a row of plates. Each of them has a different dish on it. All of them look delicious. The room smells amazing. And Luke looks excited.
"Thanks," he says, when I gesture towards his mug. He smiles when he sees the cup of black coffee in my hands. I take a sip to hide whatever it is I’m feeling. Am I blushing?
Luke wipes his hands on a cloth and pulls out a stool for me, motioning for me to sit down. I look at him questioningly, but don’t say anything, just sit.
"Okay," he finally says. "I need you to try these for me."
I look up at him, "Why?"
He laughs. "Well for one thing, I’m trying to decide what to put on the menu and I’d really like your opinion."
"You want me to tell you what tastes good?" I ask, completely stating the obvious. God what is wrong with me?
"Yeah," he confirms. "I really want your opinion. I mean you do like my cupcakes," he continues, giving me another little smile at the same time.
"That’s because they’re really good Luke," I stupidly say. Oh shit, shit. Why, am I saying all of this? What the hell is wrong with me? Just shut up Ash, shut the hell up.
"Here," he says, holding out a fork to me, full of what looks like scrambled eggs.
I take the fork from his hand, our fingers brushing. I can see that my hand is shaking. I don’t know if he sees it, he’s too busy looking at my face. He watches as I take the fork from his hand and put it in my mouth. Oh wow, it’s amazing. So creamy and tasty, I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips.
He laughs again. "Good then?"
I can only nod because I’m too busy getting another serving of the eggs. I’m glad I don’t normally have breakfast.
He takes the fork from my hand. "Okay, hold up, you need to try them all first," he says before putting the same fork into his mouth.
I sit there just staring at him. Watch as he takes the fork from my hand and puts this same fork in his mouth. The same fork I just used to eat from. I feel my stomach flip and I know it’s definitely not from the eggs.
When he takes this same fork, gets some of the next dish and holds it out to me, my stomach positively rolls. I reach out to take it, but my hands are still shaking, badly. I grip my coffee instead, trying to force them to stop with the burning heat.
Now I know he notices.
"Here," he says softly, as he gestures the fork towards my mouth.
His eyes watch me intently and I feel trapped in his gaze, unable to move. I have no other option, so I just lean in and let him feed me.
This time something shorts out in my brain. I don’t know if it’s from the food he’s given me or the fact that he’s fed me or both. Whatever it is, I like it. I like all of it.
The dish is a frittata and it’s full of roasted vegetables and some gorgeous tasting cheese. The fork that has just been in his mouth is once again in mine. It’s almost like he’s letting me taste him, as though we’re tasting each other. When I take the food, I watch Luke, as he watches my mouth and I keep watching him as he slides the fork out. This time I notice his eyes darken.
Already, this is driving me crazy and we’re only getting started.
He smiles at me again. "Good?" he asks and I don’t even know where to begin.
I nod and take another sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands. I watch as Luke takes a bite of the second dish, tasting what he’s just given me. Tasting me too. He moves onto the next dish and again he feeds it to me. Again he watches me as I taste it, and again he tastes the food after me. Then he moves on to the next one.
There are eight plates in total and by the end of it, I feel like I’m drunk.
After the last dish, when Luke has tasted some of it, he puts the fork down, takes a sip of coffee, looks at me and asks, "So, what do you think?"
I think my eyes have glazed over. I think my brain has completely switched off and exited the building. I’m licking my lips, trying to savour all of the flavours he’s given me, trying to work out exactly what has just happened. I’m trying to get the butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in my stomach, to slow down.
They won’t.
And all Luke does is look at me with those dark blue eyes, smile questioningly and ask, "Did you like any of them?"
I groan, I can’t help it and Luke lets out a soft laugh when I do.
"All of them," I finally say. "All of them are amazing."
His smile is bigger now and he hands the fork back to me. "Great, finish them off for me and we’ll put them all on the menu."
I do. I finish them. Luke grabs another fork now and helps. We sit there in comfortable silence sharing the food he’s made. The food that’s sending my taste buds to heaven and back. The same food he’s just fed to me. As I sit there watching him eat, a crazy thought enters my head. I suddenly wonder what it would be like to really taste him. What he would taste like if I just leant over and kissed him. I’m distracted by the thought and our fingers brush against each other as we reach for the same dish. It sends strange sensations up my arm and when I sneak a look to see if Luke has felt it too, he’s intently watching his fork, but he’s smiling.
Shit, I think Mia must have said something to him after all.
∞

When I got together with Sam, I desperately wanted everyone else to like him too. I really wanted my Dad and Seth to like him and more than that, I wanted Sam to like them.
We’d been together for about eight weeks when I decided I’d better introduce him to everyone. I knew Seth was back in town on leave, so I arranged for us to go down to Providence and for me to get this whole introduction thing over and done with.
"What’s the big deal Ash?" Sam had asked me the night before. "I’m sure everything’s going to be fine!"
Maybe for him yes, but for me, I wasn’t so sure. Sam was my first serious boyfriend. My first real boyfriend to be honest and I was in love with him. I wasn’t worried about how Sam felt about me, I was worried about what my family would think. I needed them to like him and him to like them. I wanted it to be like Lara and Seth. Dad adored Lara and she adored him. She was an easy fit into our family and even when Seth wasn’t around she would still go and see my Dad.
That’s what I wanted with Sam.
So one sunny Saturday morning, we hopped on a train and went down to Providence. My Dad was going to BBQ at home and we would crash there for the weekend. I remember walking out of the train station and finding Dad standing there, a grin on his face as he waited for us.
"Dad!" I yelled, flying into his arms. "What are you doing here?"
"Thought I’d come and pick you up kiddo, meet this fella of yours first before we subject him to Seth," he answered laughing as he pressed a kiss to my cheek.
I turned and watched as Sam walked towards us, hand out to my Dad. "Hey, I’m Sam, nice to meet you Mr Black."
I watched Dad smile back at him as he said, "Huh, so you’re the one my girl is crazy about then?" Blushing I turned to Sam, watched as he smiled at me before turning back to Dad and saying without hesitation, "More than just crazy about sir, but yeah that’s me."
Dad nodded just the tiniest bit then, as though he really liked his answer before he shook Sam’s hand saying, "It’s Michael and very nice to meet you too."
Dad drove us home and while I was a lot more relaxed that one of the introductions was over and done with, I knew I’d suffer at the hands of Seth. He might be my brother and I loved him very much, but he certainly liked to tease me if he had the chance.
And just as I expected, Seth couldn’t resist. "So, it’s true love then?" he asked us teasingly, as we all sat down together.
"Absolutely," Sam said without hesitation, pulling me closer.
We were sitting around the outdoor table on the deck while Dad cooked steaks nearby. Sam was sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulders and while Seth and Lara were virtually a mirror image of us across the table, Seth was smiling like a complete loon in our direction.
"Seth!" Lara said sternly, swatting him on the chest with her hand.
"What?" he asked laughing again.
I couldn’t help but blush, even as Sam squeezed my shoulder, trying to reassure me. I was hoping that Seth could restrain himself, but evidently his politeness when I first introduced them was to be short-lived.
"Don’t tease your poor sister like that," Lara continued smiling in sympathy at me.
Sam leant over to kiss my temple, seemingly unconcerned about what was being said as Seth continued. "Come on, I was only pointing out how cosy they are and enquiring as to whether they were in love."
"No you ass, you were trying to embarrass Ash."
I was shaking my head now, silently thanking Lara whilst trying to work out a way to get back at Seth. I know he was only teasing me, but it was the last thing I needed right now. I was already nervous about him meeting Sam, I didn’t need him to embarrass me any more.
"And you’re hardly one to talk Seth," Dad suddenly said, walking over from the grill. "It’s not like you weren’t a complete basket case when you were trying to get together with Lara."
I laughed at Dad’s words, knowing only too well how true they were. And now it was Seth’s turn to be embarrassed, although he hid it well, raising his eyebrows at me as he asked, "What are you talking about?"
Lara snorted with laughter as I jumped in and said, "Um, you mooned after her for weeks Seth. And then that night at the party, god you were like a lovesick puppy, following her around all night."
"I was not!" Seth said.
"Ah, yeah you were," Lara and I said at the same time, laughing.
"Really?" Seth asked genuinely, turning to look at Lara.
"Afraid so baby," she replied, smiling as she brushed his cheek with her hand. "Isn’t that right Ash?" she asked, turning to look at me.
I just laughed, nodding my head as Dad gestured with his tongs in Seth’s direction. "Completely pathetic," he said making a face, before turning to smile at me.
"A pathetic, love-sick puppy huh?" Seth confirmed.
"Understatement of the year bro," I confirmed.
Seth thought about it for a second, looking first at me and Sam, sitting together with Sam’s arm around my shoulders, before he turned back to look at Lara.
"Oh well, totally worth it," was all he said, shrugging before he leant in and kissed her.
I rolled my eyes before turning back to Sam, who was looking at me with a smile on his face. I was about to ask him what he was smiling about, but he just leant in and kissed me too and pretty soon, I forgot all about Seth’s teasing.
Later that night when Seth found me alone in the kitchen, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, laughing as he said to me, "Sorry about earlier Ash, I guess you must really be mad about this guy?"
"Why do you say that?" I asked, glancing out to the living room where I could see Sam talking to Dad and Lara.
"Um because of how nervous you were today," he said laughing at me.
I was nervous yes, but it was only because I wanted them to like Sam, love him like I did. "I just want you guys to like him Seth," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.
"We do Smasha, he seems like a really great guy."
I smiled up at him then as I answered, "He is Seth, he’s really great."
"Good," Seth said, kissing the top of my head. "But if he ever hurts you, then I’ll kick his ass!"
I laughed, knowing that would never happen and just like that, it was over. Dad, Seth and Lara all thought Sam was great, and Sam really liked all of them too. Everybody got on and I didn’t know what the hell I was ever worried about. Whatever it was, it had been for nothing.
At least then anyway.
∞

When I wake up this morning, the first thing I hear is voices, coming from my kitchen. I lie here for a second, but before I feel afraid, laughter comes and I instantly recognise it. Smiling, I pull myself out of bed and walk in to the kitchen. I stand silently in the doorway and watch them. They haven’t noticed me yet, but there they are; Dad and Luke, sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing together like they’re old friends. I watch them for a minute, the smile still on my face. I knew they’d get on, of course, they are so alike in so many ways. I wonder where Seth is. It’s a pity he can’t be here too, because I know he would also like Luke. They turn to me and they both smile. I’m about to walk in and give my Dad a hug when he says to me hey kiddo, you’re awake, about time sleepy head.
And it’s with those words that I suddenly know.
This isn’t really happening, this isn’t real. I’m dreaming and as much as I want to stay in this dream, I can’t, already I’m being pulled awake, pulled from this picture. I don’t understand how the nightmares can hold me so tightly but this dream can so easily let me go. All I want to do is stay, but I can’t.
My eyes open.
The sun is streaming through my window and it’s the start of a beautiful day. Luke’s voice still echoes softly through my room, but I’m not dreaming anymore. Today is Sunday, but it’s more than that and I think I know why I had that dream now.
I get up, take a shower, get dressed and walk outside. I buy two coffees and I keep walking. I know exactly where I’m going. Without thinking about it, I just keep walking. I’m very nervous when I knock on the door, but the look on his face when he opens it, changes that.
"Hey!" he says to me smiling. He’s standing there in sweat pants, an old t-shirt and bare feet and all I can do is stare at him. It’s like I’m seeing him for the very first time and the only thing I can think is; he looks delicious, edible.
How come I never noticed this before?
I take a deep breath. "Hey, coffee?" I ask, holding the cup out to him.
"Thanks, you wanna come in?" Luke holds the door open as though me showing up unannounced like this is all perfectly normal. I also realise that he looks like maybe he just got out of bed. I try to block the sudden picture that creates in my brain.
"Ah, well, I’m actually here to see if I can buy you breakfast?" I’m nervous again now. "I feel like I owe you a meal or probably several really."
"What?" he asks, half laughing.
I run my hand through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder. How to explain this to him?
"Luke, I feel like I’ve been kind of a basket case ever since I met you, you know…..your house warming, work, my birthday. Plus you take me to see your friend’s band, the cupcakes, the movies, the food. I figure breakfast is the least I can do." I’m counting all these things off on my fingers as I say them, as though this will somehow all make sense to him.
He’s definitely laughing now as he reaches out and pulls me inside his apartment. "No need Ash, I promise it’s all good." My arm tingles from where his fingers touch me.
I follow him into the living room. The door to his bedroom is open and I can’t help glancing in. The first thing I see is his unmade bed, a book lying facedown on the duvet. It definitely looks as though he’s just gotten out of bed. I briefly close my eyes as the tingle that was just in my arm, now runs all the way through me.
"Well, how about I would feel better if I took you out for breakfast," I try, turning back to face him.
Luke takes a sip of the coffee I’ve brought him and looks right at me. He runs his hand absently over his shaved head, his t-shirt rising at the waist to reveal a hip bone and bare skin that is just asking to be touched. God, he’s making this harder.
"Well, if you insist," he says smiling. "Then how can I possibly say no?"
"Well only if you don’t have other plans," I say quickly. "If you do, then of course another day is fine." I’m being a total idiot.
"No plans Ash," he replies, still smiling at me. "Just give me a sec to have a shower though?"
Oh god, that’s the last thing I need to be picturing in my head, I think, swallowing the groan before it gives me away. I try smiling back at him, "Sure."
I wait in the living room while he goes into his bedroom. He half shuts the door on the way in, but it doesn’t quite close. I should move so I can’t see in there, but of course I don’t.
Thankfully he shuts the door to his bathroom. I hear the water come on and I can hear him singing while he takes a shower. Of course, what I really need to do is stop trying to picture him under the water in there. I half think about leaving, but of course I don’t. I continue to sit there on his couch and try to block the image of Luke, naked, from my brain. When he comes out, steam escapes from the room first, followed by Luke and he’s already fully dressed.
I’m both relieved and disappointed.
I’m not sure what I would’ve done had he walked out in just a towel. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.
He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.
Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"
Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.
He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."
What the hell am I really doing, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.
∞

I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.
"Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."
He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."
I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.
I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"
That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.
I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.
When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.
I wonder if things would’ve been different if I’d walked down those steps with Angela. Would I have stopped her when she ran for her train? Would I’ve been able to grab her as she fell down the stairs? Would I have been able to stop her from dying? Like I said, I heard a yell, but that was all. I’m just really glad I didn’t hear the crack of her neck, breaking as she fell down the stairs. Selfish of me I know, considering I was the reason she was even there in the first place.
When Angela died, it took me a long time to work out why. I couldn’t understand how a woman I’d barely known could die as a result of me. I’d always thought it only happened to those I loved, the ones who got close to me, those people who really meant something to me. And I was very scared it was now going to start happening to anyone around me.
But in the end I realised what it was. In the end I realised that in fact I did love Angela, but in a different way to what I’d previously known. Yes she was my therapist, but more than that, she was a mentor, a role model, someone who was helping me a great deal, more than I ever expected. And to be honest she was a woman who had everything I didn’t, a woman who was in control of her life, her emotions and her future.
And in the end I realised she was everything I wanted to be.
And that’s what had killed her.
∞

We walk out into the morning. The fresh air is helping. I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke. The butterflies that seem to permanently live in my stomach now, are slowly starting to calm down.
We keep walking and Luke doesn’t ask me where we’re going. Instead we talk about music, a new album Luke’s bought, which he thinks I might like. There’s a song on there he’d like the band to do a cover of. When we reach the train station, he still doesn’t say anything as we walk down the stairs and I buy us two tickets. When the train arrives he follows me to a seat and slides in beside me. His shoulder is touching mine and I don’t move away. Neither does Luke.
We spend most of the train ride talking about music again. There’s a festival Luke wants to go to. He actually suggests we go together and I don’t even think about, I just smile and say yes. Then about eight minutes from our stop, I turn to him and say, "It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast."
He just nods and says, "Sounds good Ash."
"I’m from Providence," I continue, by way of explanation.
"LA," Luke says. "Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years."
"Yeah I’ve hardly been back either." I say quietly.
Dad used to take me to this place all the time, me and Seth whenever he was around. For some reason though, I never once took Sam there. I don’t know why, maybe because we never lived in Providence together. Although it doesn’t appear that’s reason enough to stop me now and I don’t want to think about what me bringing Luke here might really mean.
I’m staring out the window, watching as we approach the station in silence. I don’t look at Luke, but I do smile when he gently squeezes my hand.
When we walk out of the station, the sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I almost expect to see Dad waiting for me, for us. But of course he isn’t, so instead, I turn left and we walk up the hill towards Brown. The place feels at once so familiar and so distant. Nothing much has changed since I left, nothing except for me.
When we reach Thayer Street, I turn right and we walk a little way until I find it. Inside everything is as I remember it. We are seated at a table by the window. I don’t even have to look at the menu to know what I’m having. I always used to have the same thing.
After we order and our coffees arrive, I finally speak to Luke. "So, is your family still out in LA?"
I see a quick grimace cross his face. "Yeah my parents are, but Mia as you know, lives in Chicago."
I briefly wonder if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I ask anyway. "And you don’t go and visit them?"
His hand runs over his head again. "Nah, I don’t really get on with my parents anymore. I mean we haven’t really spoken in seven or eight years actually. Mia and I are close obviously, but not my parents and me."
I wonder why. I feel like I’m prying by asking, so instead I surprise myself by saying, "Both of my parents are dead, my brother too."
"Oh shit Ash, I’m so sorry," he says immediately, his hand reaching out to take mine as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.
I can’t even remember what I just said to him. I’m aware of nothing but the fact we are now practically holding hands. His are warm and soft, but I can feel callouses on his fingertips as they brush over my knuckles. Soft fingers, worn from playing his guitar.
Finally I take a deep breath and try to speak. "It’s okay Luke, really. I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. More to let you know you aren’t the only one."
His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.
"Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."
No, more like my fault, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.
Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.
When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"
"Who?" I ask, confused.
"Your family."
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.
"You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.
"Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.
The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.
When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.
There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.
I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.
"Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."
I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it.  I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.
I turn and look up at him and find him watching me, his face covered in sadness. "It’s okay, Luke, really."
But now he steps closer and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. I automatically lean my head against his chest. I feel his chin resting on the top of it as he softly says again, "I’m so sorry Asha, I didn’t realise." His other arm wraps around me, pulling me tighter against him. My arms wrap themselves around his waist and my eyes close when I feel him kiss the top of my head. A part of me feels bad, but I’m not just thinking about them anymore. Those butterflies are all still floating around inside me.
We stand in front of their graves for ages. Luke never asks me to go or says anything more, just stands there with his arms wrapped around me. He feels comforting, safe and warm. Eventually I walk forward and run my hand over the top of each headstone before turning to face him. "Thank you Luke," I say, looking right at him.
"Do you want to go and see Sam?" he asks, looking back at me. I think it’s the first time he’s ever said Sam’s name.
"He’s in Seattle," I answer quietly. "But thanks anyway."
Now Luke steps forward and silently pulls me into a hug. I can feel his strong arms around me again and his hard chest underneath me, but it’s so very different this time. He feels so good, this feels so good and I don’t want him to let me go. My heart is pounding again, and I’m sure Luke can feel it, beating a hard pattern against him.
I wonder what they would think if they could see me standing here with Luke, what they would say if they saw us like this. I’m pretty sure Seth would give me shit for it, just like he always did and the thought makes me smile. They would like Luke though, I know they would. They would like what he’s doing for me right now, how he always seems to know what to do for me.
Eventually I have to say something. "How about we go get a drink?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood.
Luke pulls back and looks down at me. Both of his hands push the hair back from my face, and he keeps them there, holding it back and cradling my head in his fingers. He looks at me as though he’s trying to read my mind and I feel naked under his stare, like he can see right inside my head and all the crazy things I know are swirling around in there.
That I’m glad I brought him to breakfast.
That I’m glad he brought me here.
That I like the feel of his arms around me.
That I’m still trying really hard not to picture him naked in the shower this morning.
And worst of all, what my brain is finally prepared to admit; that I do really like him.
And the scariest part of all that; that I really want him to like me back. I really want Mia’s words to be true.
He still says nothing.
I smile up at him again. "I think I definitely owe you a drink now," I say, forcing a laugh out. We are too close. These things I’m feeling are all wrong. Standing here in his arms isn’t fair on him. He needs to let me go and I need to stop thinking about him like that. It’s too dangerous.
"Sure," he says eventually, smiling a little even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t give him a chance. I have to stop all of these thoughts I’m having, so I turn and make my way back to the entrance and Luke silently follows me.
We find a taxi to take us back to Thayer Street this time and then find ourselves a place to get a drink. We end up staying there all afternoon. The mood lightens again, our morning in the cemetery pushed to the back of our minds. By the time night falls we have eaten dinner and drunk quite a few beers, talking about everything except for what happened this morning. I push all of those thoughts from my mind, refuse to let them in. Refuse to think about the possibility, to think about the possibility of me and Luke.
I’m kidding myself if I think I can do that.
Eventually we leave and make our way slowly back down to the train station. I think we’re both a little drunk by now and once again Luke takes my hand in his. Once again I hold my breath and let him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t seem to stop myself anymore.
On the train, he keeps holding it, resting our joined hands on his thigh. I don’t dare move. I feel surrounded by heat and Luke and that combined with the alcohol makes me want to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, my head slowly sliding onto Luke’s shoulder. He doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to try and fight this anymore, it’s too hard trying to fight it.
I’m surrounded again by Luke’s warmth and his smell and all I want to do is to stay right here with him. I sleep all the way back to Boston, waking only when he tells me, "We’re back." I wish we could stay on that train all night.
We stumble from the station, Luke still holding my hand as we climb the stairs to the street and make our way back to my apartment. He walks me to the door where we stand facing each other.
"Thank you for breakfast and dinner," he says bringing my hand up to his mouth. I watch him as he presses a soft kiss to my palm and he watches me watching him. Things are definitely changing between us now, I can feel it, see it. It’s something that deep down, I know a part of me wants to happen, but is afraid to allow.
I don’t want to get attached and then lose him, have him ripped away from me. Not again, because it hurts so much when it happens. And I definitely don’t want to create a world without Luke or his music in it. But another selfish part of me is also saying; I don’t want to think of my own world without him in it.
I’m too afraid to try it all again, but I’m too afraid to stop it, to push him away, because I really don’t want to anymore.
"Thank you for today Luke," I finally get out.
"Any time Ash," he says quietly. "Anytime." He tucks my hair behind my ear and for a second I think he’s going to kiss me. I’m surprised to find I want him to.
But he doesn’t and instead he smiles at me once more, before turning and walking away.
When I get inside, I go straight to bed. But I can’t sleep, because a million thoughts are swirling in my brain now, keeping me awake. All of them are about Luke. Even if his voice wasn’t filling the silence of my apartment, I would be thinking about him.
Once he has slept in my apartment. Twice he has held me as I’ve cried. Once he has held me when I haven’t. For the whole day today he held my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. Many times I have watched his band play. I have met his family and now he has met mine.
And, now I know how he feels about me. The things Mia said are still swirling around in my brain. Her words are making me think and feel many things. The way Luke looks at me is making me think and feel many things.
I don’t know what to do about it all, but I want to let him in. It surprises me that I do, that all of a sudden, a part of me would want to risk it all over again. I don’t want anything to happen to Luke, but I know I can’t ignore this thing between us, or these feelings I have for him, anymore. I know I can’t push him away any longer.
I don’t sleep for the rest of the night and I spend the next day at work in a daze. I have no idea what Luke thinks when he sees me like this, but my brain feels crowded with thoughts still, clouded by feelings and I want to straighten them all out. I want to work out what it is I want.
What is it that Luke wants?
I wish I knew what that was, but he makes it so hard. Because now even though he talks to me all the time, more than he ever used to, even though now he specifically seeks me out, if only to tell me of a song that’s playing on the radio or hand me a new cupcake he’s trying out, or give me a CD he’s just bought or a book he thinks I might like to read. Even though he does all of that, he doesn’t do anything more. He still watches me, but I no longer ask him, "What?" and so he no longer shrugs and looks away. Instead we watch each other, both of us smiling and neither of us turning away.
I know that Sarah notices it though. I catch her looking at us and smiling. Now it’s her I’m asking, "What?"
She just laughs at me and says, "Nothing Ash, nothing."
The guys from Infinity come in a lot now, or maybe I just notice it more, now that I know them. They always say hi to me and Jared gives me little smiles which make me feel weird, like he knows something that I don’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do nothing to change any of it. I don’t try to stop whatever it is that’s happening between Luke and I, because I want to hang out with him. He makes me laugh and he’s so easy to talk too, so very easy to be with. I always feel lighter, happier after being with him and his music chases away the bad dreams I have. The CD of their music, the one he left in my locker. I listen to it all the time. Now I fall asleep every night listening to Luke’s voice.
It helps. I haven’t had a single nightmare ever since I started falling asleep to his voice.
But all of these thoughts still swirl around in my brain, leaving me feeling guilty. Guilty about why I can go for hours without even thinking about Sam or what happened to him. Guilty about why instead I find myself thinking of Luke, wondering what he’s doing. Of what it would be like to be with him, of what it would be like to kiss him. Wondering if he would kiss me.
A million thoughts and one single question – why am I letting myself feel this?
I don’t have an answer, I really don’t. I just think in the end, I would rather risk being hurt than feel nothing. It sounds crazy, but I have to. I have to do something. I have to feel something because feeling nothing is just too empty.