Checking It Twice

Chapter One


“I’ve been a very naughty girl, Santa. Think you better spank me with your big candy cane.”

Choking on his swallow of beer, Kevin Monahan jerked his gaze upward just as Jana Colton draped her arm around his neck. Flashing a cheeky grin, she leaned forward and planted a chaste kiss on his forehead that was in direct opposition to the wicked sparkle in her dazzling blue eyes. Her position thrust her generous breasts square in his face, awarding him a bird’s eye view of the luscious cleavage peeking from the scooped neckline of her pink sweater. A sweet and sensual floral scent drifted from her peaches-and-cream skin, tantalizing his already overtaxed senses. The bead of sweat crawling down his nape couldn’t be blamed on the too-warm interior of Hadley’s Bar and Grill.

He and Jana had known each other for five years and been good friends for at least four. He should have been immune to her outrageous flirtations by now. Apparently his libido was too sadistic to let him off the hook that easily.

Jana straightened and tugged off her fingerless gloves before shrugging out of her leather trench coat in a seductive shimmy that officially fried a few more of his brain cells. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting long.”

Desperately grappling for every ounce of inner strength he possessed, he tore his entranced stare from the outline of Jana’s perky nipples and schooled his expression into the blandest one he could manufacture. “No. I’ve only been here a few minutes.”

Jana arranged her coat over the back of the chair opposite him and plopped onto the seat. He didn’t fail to notice the lewd glances and snickering whispers she garnered from the neighboring table of college frat boys. A completely inescapable flash of protectiveness streaked through him, prompting him to offer the ogling boys a cold glare. Taking the hint, they returned to their raucous conversation and beer chugging. He allowed a fraction of the tension to ease from his shoulders.

He knew he had no right to be the slightest bit territorial where Jana was concerned, but it also didn’t stop him from wanting to kick the ass of every punk kid who eyed her like a side of beef while making crude comments to his dipshit friends.

Displaying her typical blasé disregard for the attention she generated in the opposite sex, Jana propped her arms on the pockmarked wooden tabletop and focused the full wattage of her smile on him. As always, it possessed the power to seduce the pants right off him—something Jana would undoubtedly take full advantage of if she knew the true scope of his weakness where she was concerned. For the past ten months, she’d really amped up her quest to take their friendship to the next level. He had no intention of giving in to her and the inevitable fallout that’d result if they slept together, but it didn’t mean his vigilant resistance wasn’t a fierce struggle.

She wiggled in her seat, drawing his rapt, albeit reluctant, scrutiny to her bouncing breasts. His cock swelled, and he mumbled a soft curse.

Tucking a lock of her shiny blonde hair behind her ear, she twitched her nose in a way that was both adorable and admonishing. “I missed you, you jerk. I thought you said you’d call me while you were in Vegas.”

A niggle of guilt worming through him, he situated his pilsner glass on the coaster, taking his time with the task on the off chance she’d grow bored with his silence and move on to another topic.

She didn’t. “Did you have a nice visit with your dad?”

“Yeah.” If you could call enduring three days of awkward tension remotely pleasant. Then again, it hadn’t been anything less than what he’d expected. Tense visits with his dad were standard fare. Not that Jana knew anything about the harsh reality of his relationship with his father. It was yet another facet of his life he preferred to keep locked away in his closet of dirty secrets.

“Do anything exciting while you were out there?”

His thoughts automatically veered to his meeting with the departing executive chef at the Cinders and the resulting job offer that’d been presented to him. The meeting had merely been a formality. The position was his from the get-go, thanks to his father’s majority share in the Cinders. Richard Monahan wasn’t averse to using his money and power when it came to getting what he wanted. Right now, that something was the prestigious five-star Metro Cuisine ranking that Kevin toted. He held no delusions about possessing any further value in his father’s eyes than that. Still, he owed this to his dad. It wouldn’t absolve Kevin of the guilt he’d lugged around for the last fourteen years, and it sure as hell wouldn’t change the past and the transgressions of his youth. But taking the job was one small act of repentance.

He cleared his throat. “Not really.” It probably made him an a*shole for lying, but telling Jana he’d accepted the Cinders proposal and would be moving to Vegas in a couple of weeks would only upset her. He didn’t want to ruin her Christmas.

“Okay, on to the most important question of all.” She batted her eyelashes endearingly. “Did you bring an awesome X-mas pressie back for me?”

Her blatant maneuvering tactic did the trick of lightening some of the heaviness weighing at him, and he chuckled. “Actually, I bought your gift months ago, but you’re not getting it yet.”

“I won’t peek.” She sighed when he raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I totally will. Can I help it that I have no willpower?”

She wasn’t the only one. In his case, his personal Kryptonite was a certain blonde with a quirky personality and the prettiest, kissable-looking lips in all creation. He dragged his gaze from her mouth and reached for his beer, slamming another desperate swallow. The frosty ale did nothing to douse his desire. Not by a long shot.

Jana was a crippling addiction he couldn’t kick. Worse, she was a temptation he couldn’t give in to. For years he’d been able to use the excuse of her being the little sister of one of his bosses at the Dockside, but soon he wouldn’t have that flimsy copout to cling to. It was no secret she had a crush on him. If he were a selfish prick, he’d take advantage of what she was openly offering. God knows, it was a battle to resist. Especially when she was staring at him with a sinful glint in her eyes, like she was mentally engaging them in all kinds of naughty acts that were likely illegal in forty-nine states.

Despite her propensity for brazenly flirting with him, it didn’t change the fact she was a good girl at heart. A bit wild, yes, with a vocabulary that’d make a construction worker cringe. But there was no denying that an innate sweetness radiated from within her.

The heaviness from earlier settling in his heart, he plunked his glass down. It’d rip him apart if he hurt Jana. And sooner or later, that’s precisely what would happen. He wasn’t any good at letting people into his life. His dysfunctional past guaranteed that. No way in hell he’d drag Jana into the hot mess of his psyche. She deserved better than that. Deserved better than him.

Shoving aside his glum musings, he waved the waitress over. After ordering a glass of sangria, Jana picked up her napkin and fidgeted with it for a second before spreading it across her lap. “So I was thinking…” Despite her casual tone, a slight nervous flutter wavered through her voice. “Why don’t we make an entire night of it next Saturday? After The Nutcracker, we can hit a few clubs downtown, maybe even the casino. It’d probably be easiest to get a room while we’re at it, so we won’t have to worry about driving home. I hear the hotel at the MGM Grand Detroit is super nice.”

The unspoken part of her proposition hung sultry and oh so irresistible between them, tempting and teasing him with seductive possibilities. It didn’t take much creativity on his end to mentally conjure a scene straight out of his fantasies. A sumptuous suite and a king-sized bed big enough for two. On the nearby nightstand—chilled wine, chocolate-dipped strawberries…a blindfold and wrist restraints. He swallowed. Hard. Damn it, he wasn’t even into bondage, for the most part. What the hell was wrong with him?

He took a steadying breath, digging deep for the right words. They weren’t the ones he wanted to say, but his conscience reminded him of the necessity of them, regardless. “Jana, I don’t want to lead you on.”

She tried for an innocent look that fell far short from working its mark. “In what way would you and I sharing a room be leading me on?”

He lowered his voice. “Because I know you’ll finagle for a single bed.”

“Would that be so terrible?”

The taunting fantasy of the blindfold and restraints paraded through his mind again. This time the hot, wicked visual came with the added torture of him imagining Jana’s sweat-glistened skin slip-sliding against his, her soaked p-ssy squeezing his cock like a fist as she screamed his name in climax. His balls tightened, and he discreetly adjusted the uncomfortable snugness of his zipper.

“Not a good idea.” His overheated libido grumbled in protest.

Wetting her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue, she traced the pattern engraved on the handle of her fork with her fingernail. “Did I happen to mention I sleep naked?”

His dick perked up even more in interest, and he silently groaned. You’re f*cking killing me, baby.

Her timing impeccable, the waitress returned to take their orders before moving on to the neighboring table. In a rare instance of behaving herself, Jana didn’t bring up the possibility of her and him sleeping together—or her fondness for going au naturel—for the duration of their meal. Their conversation flowed freely, and soon enough she’d lulled him into the familiar ease he always experienced when they were together. Because of his inability to let many people close, he didn’t have a lot of friends. The only person he’d truly shared this level of camaraderie with had been Nick, his best friend—back before everything went to shit between them.

Forcing his mind from that dark alley of thoughts, he drained the remainder of his beer and waited for Jana to finish her pasta primavera before he signaled for the check. After a brief argument over who would pay—him, of course—he pocketed his wallet and helped her into her coat, careful not to linger over the process in hopes of touching her silky skin. He avoided that temptation at all costs, although she went out of her way to rub against him every chance she could. His damn cock was going to wear through the fly of his khakis at the rate his erection was growing.

Before his sanity took a complete nosedive, he escorted her outside and led the way to Jana’s old Mustang. She plunked her purse onto the hood and dug for her keys. A strong wind whipped through the lot, catching the ends of her shoulder-length, wavy strands. She shivered, and he resisted the urge to bundle her into his arms. He compromised by shielding her from the next oncoming gust with his body.

A second later she held up her key ring. “Found ’em.” Jingling the keys, she gifted him with another of her megawatt smiles and unlocked the driver’s side door. She carelessly tossed her purse inside the vehicle and plopped into the driver’s seat before turning her key in the ignition. A series of dull clicks broke the silence. Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, she peered up at him. “Oops. I must have left my dome light on.”

Her expression was too innocent to be taken seriously. His suspicions buzzing, he gripped the doorframe and eyed the hood. “I’ll give you a jump.”

Jana’s full, glossy lips curved upward in a wicked grin. “I’d love for you to jump me.”

Damn it, he’d stepped right in to that one. Heat crawled up his neck and pooled low in his groin. A sultry sparkle dancing in her gaze, Jana draped her fingers over the gearshift and idly stroked it.

God save me. Dragging his attention from the erotic sight of her giving the gear stick a hand job, he cleared his throat. “I’ll bring my car over. Jumper cables are in the back.”

“How are you going to reach my engine?”

Plowing a hand through his hair, he gave the cars blocking the Mustang in on all sides his frustrated attention. “We’ll have to wait it out until someone leaves.”

“That could be all night. Why don’t you just take me home, and I’ll have Bram give me a lift here in the morning and charge my battery?”

He’d been on the receiving end of too many of Jana’s seductive schemes not to recognize an attempt in the works. Still, it was either risk whatever she had up her sleeve during the ride to her place, or try to survive what could possibly be an hour or more in the close confines of his car without giving in to the temptation of those long, sleek legs and mouthwatering breasts.

Sending up a silent prayer for strength, he released the doorframe. “All right, I’ll take you home.”

“Thanks, I owe you one.” Leaning sideways, she flipped open the glove compartment and fetched a CD. She caught his frown. “Road tunes.”

He knew her musical tastes enough to be worried. One glance at the label confirmed his worst suspicions. “Making me sit through the Chipmunks’ Christmas album is beyond cruel, Jana.” Then again, he couldn’t find a better boner killer than being serenaded with squeaky rodents.

She hopped from the Mustang, and after securing the lock, crooked her arm through his. “Where is your yuletide spirit?”

Grumbling in response, he led the way two rows over to his Lincoln Navigator. He assisted her into the passenger seat, desperately trying to concentrate on anything but the sweet, feminine scent playing havoc with his senses while she took her time unbuttoning her coat. A moment later, he dashed to his side of the vehicle and buckled himself in before pulling out of his parking spot.

Soon enough, he discovered caroling chipmunks weren’t nearly as much of a libido buster as he’d hoped. Not when they were up against the potent allure of Jana in full-scale-seductress mode. Every shift of her long legs and jiggle of her breasts within the confines of her too-tight sweater murdered another of his brain cells. It was a damn miracle he wasn’t reduced to a mindless, drooling fool by the time he pulled into her driveway.

“Can I entice you into coming in for a nightcap?”

His dick eagerly bobbed against his fly, giving a resounding Hell yeah to the invitation. “How about a rain check? I’ve got an early morning ahead of me.”

“Please? Just a quick one. Besides, I have to give you your present.”

“You can give it to me later.”

Determination replaced her cajoling expression. “If you don’t come in, I’m going to start singing along with Alvin.”

“Jana—”

Flicking the dial on the radio, she cranked up the volume and began belting out an off-key duet that probably had all dogs in a two-mile radius howling in agony. Hard to say who was the worst singer—her or the squeaky rodent.

Groaning, he killed the engine and pocketed his keys. “This present better be damn amazing.”

Offering a mischievous chuckle that made him infinitely nervous, she ripped off her seat belt and shoved open the car door. By the time he reached her front porch, she’d unlocked her house and turned on the living room lights. Half expecting her to tackle him to the floor and give him a lap dance or some equally nefarious, sanity-blowing activity, he cautiously stepped inside the entry. He was relieved to spot her hunkered next to the mountain of gifts arranged around the huge evergreen tree he’d helped her cut down the week before. “Jesus. Did you buy something for everyone in the tri county?”

Glancing over her shoulder, she stuck out her tongue at him. Even that playful act made his cock rigid. Monahan, you are severely warped. Unfortunately, that was all too true. Hence his need to keep his vigilant resistance of Jana on high alert.

She started to reach for one of the packages but stopped short. “Wait, I’m not wearing my Santa hat.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have—”

Ignoring him, she leapt to her feet and hurried down the short hallway to the master bedroom. Heaving a resigned exhalation, he paced the carpet, his wary focus glued to the beckoning front entrance—and escape. A Leavenworth inmate had nothing on the desperation he was currently experiencing.

The ticking of a nearby clock added to his strained nerves as he planted himself in place and tweaked the bridge of his nose. “I need to get a damn grip.”

“Hmm?”

He’d been too preoccupied with calming his racing pulse to notice Jana’s approach. Dropping his hand, he swung his gaze in her direction. She stood less than two feet away, wearing the most outrageously sexy getup on God’s green Earth. Considering some of the outfits he’d seen her in, that was saying a lot. Lust nailing him square in the groin, he raked his stare over the red satin number she was poured into. The top consisted of a halter that tied into a bow between her delectable breasts. A matching skirt with a white-furred trim barely toed the scant line separating it from indecent exposure. Her creamy, smooth skin and luscious curves knocked the breath from his lungs. She was the living embodiment of sex and everything he craved to the depths of his soul.

He took a staggering step back, the pulse he’d valiantly tried to normalize revving into hyper speed. “J-Jana, what the hell are you doing?”

“Giving you your present.”

“While dressed like Ms. Porno Claus? I don’t think so.”

She plopped her hands on her hips. “For your information, I’m a naughty elf.”

You can say that again, baby. “Whatever you’ve got cooking in that evil head of yours, it won’t work.”

“I’m only giving you your gift.” Rolling her eyes, she stooped and snatched one of the festively wrapped packages. “Unlike some scrooges, I’m even going to let you open it now.” Walking toward him, she held out the present.

Not daring to take his focus off her in case she tried something funny, he cautiously accepted the container and fumbled with the fabric ribbon and bow.

She grinned, her sparkling eyes more than conveying that she was fully aware of how much she was affecting him. “You know, it’s usually easier to open those things if you look at what you’re doing.”

“Yeah, I’ve got it handled.” Somehow he managed to rip the foiled paper free. After that he was forced to glance at the box he held. He blinked at the set of Wusthof chef knives, his previous frustration over her sneaky and sexy machinations vanishing. “Jana, you shouldn’t have. This is way too generous.”

“So help me, if you say you can’t accept them, I’m going to kick your freakin’ ass. And trust me, that’s gonna be difficult to do in these platform heels.”

He ran his thumb along the edge of the box, the emotion filling his chest bittersweet. A few weeks ago he’d taken her window-shopping at the ritzy new mall that’d opened up in Sterling Heights. Obviously she’d caught him wistfully ogling the knife set and returned later to buy it. The knowledge that she would do something like that for him increased the odd pressure against his breastbone. Tempting as she was in her naughty elf F*ck Me ensemble, the sweet, generous woman standing before him with hope and love shining in her eyes was the biggest threat to his armored defenses.

He’d never known someone like Jana, so open and giving in every way possible, even right down to her heart. He wished with his entire being that he could give back a fraction of what she offered. Most of all, he wished he could be the right man for her and not one who would ultimately hurt her when he walked away. Even if he weren’t leaving for Vegas, there still wasn’t a future for them. He knew himself too well to feed himself any lies regarding his emotional baggage.

“I—I did get the correct set…right?” A cloud of worry and uncertainty shuttled across Jana’s face, and she chewed her lip.

That show of vulnerability punched him in the abdomen. “Yeah, it’s perfect. But from now on, no more expensive presents.”

Her expression cleared, and she graced him with a blinding smile. “Does that mean I have to send back the Lamborghini?”

His chuckle breaking free, he pulled her in for a hug. Too late, he realized his tactical mistake as Jana’s lush curves molded against him.

She slipped her hands beneath his jacket, snuggling into him. The nearness of her invaded his senses. Battle-rammed his defenses. His arms reflexively tightening around her, he hugged her close. It was a simple enough gesture shared between friends, but in his case, it meant so much more. Intimacy didn’t come easy for him. Until Jana entered his life, he rarely let down his guard enough to share that side of himself. The only other person who’d broken through his barriers had been Nick.

And look where that got you.

Jana’s expression was a dreamy-eyed invitation that wrapped around his heart and squeezed. “Stay with me tonight. Please.”

The desire to give in nearly knocked him to his knees. It would have been easy enough to give in to the fierce urge firing through him. Forgiving himself in the morning? Not so much. “Jana, I can’t. We’ve already discussed this.”

“And I’ve already told you not to worry about what Bram thinks. For Pete’s sake, my brother isn’t going to fire you for having sex with me.”

If Kevin weren’t moving to Vegas, it might have been a genuine possibility. Particularly since Bram had seen him at Club Arabesque on more than one occasion and knew about his kinky side. To be honest, he was a little surprised Bram apparently hadn’t spilled the beans to Jana about that. Still, he’d caught every single one of Bram’s covert looks of warning whenever the man saw him with Jana. Decoded, they amounted to Keep your dick in your damn pants.

Jana deliberately brushed her hipbone against his erection, making him suck in a harsh breath. He loosened his hold on her and dropped his arms. This was just one more sanity check to remind him why touching her was too much temptation to handle. “I don’t want to destroy our friendship.” And break your heart when I leave.

Stubbornness blazed in Jana’s eyes. “God, that is so f*cking stupid!” She jabbed a finger in the middle of his chest. “What difference does it make if we engage in some horizontal gymnastics? It’s not going to change the way I feel about you, or our friendship.”

“Sex complicates things.” In a big way, in his case.

“Oh dog’s balls. My brother sleeps every night with his best friend. Both of them, to get technical about it. And their relationship is going great.”

“The key word in there is relationship, Jana. That’s why it’s working for them.”

“I’m not asking you to move in or marry me, you idjit. Just f*ck my brains out.”

Another ragged breath lodged in his esophagus. Her palm flattened on his sternum, stroking him through the starched cotton of his navy Oxford. He gripped her fingers, stalling their enticing motion. “No, you want more than that. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me.” And that, more than anything, was what terrified him and kept him away. He’d made the reckless decision once before to pursue a relationship he knew he ultimately couldn’t commit to. The resulting disaster had destroyed the only real friendship he’d known at the time. He damn well wasn’t going to let Jana be another casualty to his f*cked-up psyche. “Trust me, one day you’ll thank me for telling you no.”

The uncensored hurt that washed over her stricken features was like a fist rammed into his gut, but it was nothing compared to the guilt that would plague him if he f*cked her and walked away.

Her eyes became suspiciously misty, making his heart cramp.

“Jana, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—” The remainder of his apology fell victim to the unexpected crush of her soft lips over his. He was completely unprepared for the kiss and his body’s knee-jerk reaction to it. His cock thickened, and every nerve ending he possessed buzzed like he’d stepped on a live wire. A hungry groan tumbled free before he could corral it.

Jana’s lips parted beneath his, and her bold tongue stroked inside his mouth, playing over the tip of his. She tasted like sunshine and sex. Every one of his fantasies brought to life. His cock bobbed against his fly, straining in Jana’s direction. The rest of him instinctually followed his dick’s lead.

She moaned, the sweet, uninhibited sound quickly becoming his newest addiction. He wanted to hear it again, over and over. A tempting visual flashed through his mind—Jana stretched beneath him, her delectable ass raised and his hands massaging the full weight of her breasts while he f*cked her from behind, hard and deep, losing himself in the snug, wet heaven of her p-ssy until they were completely strung out on each other.

As if she’d plugged directly into his thoughts, she coaxed his hand to the front of her halter. The soft, plump hill of her breast fit perfectly beneath his palm. His thumb brushed the pebbled peak of her nipple, stiffening it even more beneath the satin of her top. Her knees bumped against his, nudging him backwards and onto the couch. A second later, she straddled his lap and guided his free hand to her other breast. Her tongue a teasing glide along his, she rocked against his erection. He was too drunk on the seductive taste of her to comprehend her wily maneuverings until it was too late. The warning bells had a motherf*cker of a time outshouting the lust roaring through his system.

His hands reflexively molded around her breasts—one last torment—before he forced himself to let go of her. “We can’t do this.”

Her lips still rosy and swollen from their kiss, Jana slid a glance toward the obvious bulge tenting his zipper. “Why? You want me. And I sure as hell want you. So stop listening to that stubborn brain of yours, and rock my panties off.” Her eyes twinkled with one hundred degrees of wickedness. “Oh wait, I’m not wearing any.”

She would have to f*cking inform him of that. “You’re making it hard for me to do the right thing.”

“Good. I like making it hard.” Nipping his bottom lip with a kittenish purr, she wedged a hand between them and squeezed his erection.

He jerked. “Damn it, Jana.”

Her chuckle pure evil, she began stroking him through the placket of his trousers. Scraping her teeth along his chin, she worked her way to the underside of his jaw and licked him before sucking hard enough to leave a hickey. Her nails grazed along his zipper. “I want to take you in my mouth. My p-ssy. Everywhere.”

Sweet Jesus. He wanted that too. The desire to feel the hot, wet silkiness of her mouth and p-ssy wrapped around his cock thrummed through his blood. He was on the edge, his resistance holding on by a microfilament. If it snapped and he buried himself inside Jana like he longed to do, the inevitable fallout would be impossible to repair.

He couldn’t do that to her.

As if she’d intuited the battle going on inside him, Jana ran her fingertips through his hair, the gentle rake of her nails on his scalp making him shiver in sensory overload. In between her delicious, exploring kisses, she fed him reassurances that he desperately wanted to believe but ultimately knew he couldn’t.

“Don’t think. Just make love to me.” Her fingers laced with his and skated his hand along her thigh. Without consciously realizing what he was doing, he caressed her velvety skin. She leaned into his touch, her feathery sigh brushing his cheek. Shifting slightly on his lap, she coaxed their joined fingers farther inland, until the soft fur trimming her skirt tickled his knuckles. He knew where she was leading him. Knew he should stop her. But damn if he possessed enough willpower.

She slipped his hand beneath her skirt, giving him only a brief, tantalizing graze of his palm over the thin, silky strip of her pubic hair before guiding his fingers lower. His breath hissed between his teeth as he encountered the slick moisture coating her labia. She rubbed against his hand, glazing his skin with her juices. A tremble coursed through her. “Do you feel how much I want you?”

A tremor shaking him, he glossed his fingers over her wetness. The mental image of her soaking his cock with her liquid, musky essence while she rode him flashed through his mind. His dick responded with a hot surge behind his fly. Jana fumbled with his zipper.

His cock in her hands? There’d be no hope for him.

Moving faster than he would have thought his lust-fogged state would enable, he grabbed her wrists and pinned them to the small of her back. The position jammed her tighter against him, settling her a little too close for comfort on the ridge of his straining erection. The blaze of excitement in the depths of her eyes threatened to annihilate his thinly reined control.

“I’m not f*cking you.” He didn’t know who he was trying to convince more—her or him.

“But I need you.” Her bottom lip quivered. “So badly.”

He could feel the heat radiating from her, blending with his own blistering temperature. The pleading desperation in her words knifed through his gut. Ripped him inside out.

He couldn’t make love to her, but he also couldn’t leave her like this.

Heart thudding, he pressed his forehead to hers and dragged in a shaky breath. The drugging perfume of her arousal played havoc with his equilibrium. “I’m going to take care of you, but you have to swear to keep your hands where they are.”

“Why?”

“Just promise me. If you move them, I’ll stop.”

She gnawed her lip. “Maybe you better tie them, to be on the safe side.”

His cock twitched. The idea of pleasuring her while she was trussed up on his lap skyrocketed his internal temperature by a thousand degrees. He’d be damn lucky if he didn’t spontaneously combust before getting her off. He swallowed, his mouth more arid than the Sahara. Tearing his focus from Jana’s face, he swept the room, looking for something to bind her with. His attention fell on the discarded ribbon from her gift.

Following the path of his gaze, Jana peered over her shoulder. He wouldn’t have thought it possible, but her nipples pebbled even more behind the scanty covering of her halter. Licking her lips, she scooted to her feet and crossed to the ribbon, snatching it at one end. The previously innocent strip of fabric assumed a whole new wicked persona as she twirled it in her grip. She returned to his lap, lowering herself square on his erection with a provocative swizzle of her hips, reminding him without words that she didn’t require the use of her hands in order to make him break out in a cold sweat.

He took the ribbon from her, a half growl, half groan falling from him when she nibbled his jaw. “You’re not behaving.”

“I know. I’m a naughty elf, remember? Maybe you should have spanked me with your big candy cane.”

His cock wasn’t the only part of him that rose to the challenge of her playful taunt. A primal carnality swept through him, prodding him to give voice to the dark, dirty fantasies swirling in his mind. “Guess I’ll have to settle instead for burying my fingers in your hot little p-ssy.”

Her breath quickened.

That tiny cue to her arousal and excitement lit a hazardous spark to the depraved voyeuristic cravings he struggled so fiercely to keep caged. A visual feast waited for him between Jana’s legs, and he shook with the need to explore that wonderland. “Is your * nice and juicy for me, Jana?”

She whimpered and wiggled on his lap.

Show me, baby. Show me how f*cking wet you are. How ready that slick p-ssy is for my cock. The tormenting words remained imprisoned inside his head. There was no way in hell he could free them. If he did and Jana accommodated the request…there’d be no muting the demanding perversions that shackled him.

Anchoring her wrists with one hand, he wound the ribbon in place and knotted it firmly. He tugged the fabric lightly, ensuring it wouldn’t budge. Tracing the curvature of her spine with his other hand, he dipped his hungry gaze to her beckoning cleavage. One little tug on that bow and the bounty of her breasts would be unwrapped and available for his feasting. Much as he salivated at the prospect, he held firm to the reminder that a naked Jana would result in her impaled on his cock in minus zero seconds flat. Right now, that miniscule scrap of satin was the life preserver keeping his control from capsizing.

Control? What the hell was that? He’d lost what little he’d clung to the second he walked through Jana’s door.

And now look at you. Tying up women like the goddamn pervert you are. The phantom recrimination in his head was all too familiar, right down to its haunting similarity to his father’s voice. Kevin’s stomach clenched, sour acid burning his esophagus. It wasn’t until Jana’s lips soothed over his cheek that he realized he was crushing the furred trim of her skirt within his fist. He relaxed his grip, wishing he could so easily tame the tension seizing him.

“Everything okay?”

He couldn’t bring himself to meet Jana’s gaze. If she glimpsed even a fragment of the tainted past buried inside him…

“Kevin?” An extra layer of concern laced her tone. “Please talk to me.”

Cupping the back of her head, he kissed her softly, bringing her back to the sensual haze from moments ago. Yes, it was a tactic designed to distract her, but it worked. His hand disappeared beneath her skirt, seeking the titillating heat at her core. Two of his fingers eased inside her channel while another sought her *. A moan fell from her as he rolled the slippery pearl under the pad of his thumb. Encouraged by her response, he poured all of his concentration into her pleasure. He was deprived the sight of her silky flesh, but he could feel every wet inch of her—and it was just as devastating to his sanity. Particularly when she arched her back, her inner muscles hugging his digits tight as she undulated in tempo with his pistoning fingers. His cock throbbed, jealous at not being on the receiving end of her erotic dance.

A mesmerizing image of her rocking her way to climax on his shaft implanted itself in his brain. Hot, ready to explode, she’d grind into his thrusts, bathing his cock and balls with her juices.

The vivid fantasy pulling him under, he lowered his head and sucked Jana’s nipple into his mouth, halter top and all. She gasped, the tiny muscles in her p-ssy fluttering. Reaching behind her, he gripped her bound wrists, the dark, primitive streak from earlier roaring back with a vengeance. His teeth and tongue plying her satin-covered nipple, he f*cked her hard and deep with his fingers, claiming her the only way he would allow himself.

“Oh God. I’m g-going to c-come.” No sooner did she gasp the words and she bucked in his grasp, her broken cry ringing in his ears while her strong contractions milked his fingers and her slick little * beat beneath his thumb. With no warning, his cock pulsed before unloading on him—in his f*cking pants. Unable to do anything more than shudder and groan, he held Jana tight while she rode out her orgasm.

Once the last of the quakes shook through her and she collapsed with a blissful sigh, he untied the ribbon and rubbed the circulation into her wrists before gently settling her on the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

She gave a sleepy, contented nod and snuggled into the cushion. He trekked to her guest bathroom and snatched several tissues from the dispenser. After taking care of the mess he’d made of his pants, he flicked on the faucet to the coldest setting and splashed his face. Water dripping down his neck and saturating his collar, he fisted the edge of the basin and stared sightlessly at the wet porcelain.

You had to touch what isn’t yours, didn’t you? You make me sick. The hateful, damning words from his past pummeled him, making him flinch. They weren’t in regards to Jana, but their appropriateness for his current transgression wasn’t lost on him.

The damnable part was he was a pro at keeping his hands to himself. Looking but not touching. It was the core of his existence. Of his identity. It sustained his needs and fed his fantasies. Except when it came to Jana. With her, he wanted so much more.

Panic and remorse vised his chest in an unforgiving hold, odd companions to the remaining dregs of lust fogging his head. All this time he’d pledged to keep Jana off limits. To not feed her hope for a future with him. But he’d f*cked everything to hell.

White-knuckling the sink, he surrendered to the shame crashing over him. The overhead light flickered. Thinking it was Jana, he quickly straightened and turned off the faucet before glancing toward the doorway. It was empty. He checked the light fixture and noticed one of the bulbs had burnt out. Exhaling, he hit the wall switch and returned to the living room. Jana remained curled on the couch, her dusky lashes closed and soft snores confirming that she was asleep. He watched her for an endless moment, a cacophony of emotions twisting his insides.

The swelling of his cock mocked him. It didn’t matter that he’d recently come. Or that his raging desire to sink deep inside her couldn’t be acted upon. If he stayed here a second longer, he’d commit another disastrous mistake by making love to her.

Hands unsteady, he unfolded the blanket stashed near Jana’s feet and gently tucked it around her before crossing to the front entrance and letting himself out. The briskness of the winter night didn’t cut through the feverish heat roasting his skin. He ducked into the Navigator and fumbled to release the top few buttons on his shirt. Clicking his seat belt in place, he shifted into reverse and floored it out of her driveway. Without consciously making the decision, he turned left at the end of her block and headed toward the freeway. He desperately needed to burn this residual hunger for Jana out of his system, and Club Arabesque was his best option to get the job done.

One of the secrets he kept from Jana was his chosen kink—voyeurism. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t be freaked out by it, but it was a part of his life he preferred not to talk about, mostly because his need to watch others have sex was linked to his twisted, dirtied past. And that was something he didn’t particularly want to get into with anyone. Not even Jana.

Especially not Jana. Because if she knew the things he’d done…

Renewed shame and self-disgust roiled in his belly. Determinedly blocking out the taunting memories attempting to barge into his brain, he pulled into the club’s lot. He shut off the engine and climbed from the SUV. After hitting the alarm button on his remote, he pocketed his keys and made his way to the renovated church that now acted as an infamous underground sex club. Arabesque offered precisely the visual raunch-fest his inner voyeur feasted on. It was the perfect diversion to prevent him from doing something as boneheaded as driving back to Jana’s and rocking her motherf*cking nonexistent panties off again.

Inside the club, the throbbing, erotic beat of techno music pulsed around and through him as he made his way toward the stairway leading to the main play area. He gripped the rail and assessed the club members milling on the lower level, scoping the action. The staccato click of approaching high heels drew his scrutiny to a couple walking up the stairs toward him. He’d seen them here before. They were heavy into the exhibitionist scene and were a favorite amongst the voyeurs because of the couple’s sexiness and raw, uninhibited love of public f*cking. Despite the fact they offered the kind of kink he craved, he never sought them out. The guy reminded him too much of Nick.

Even as he stared at the dark-haired stranger, a conflicting host of emotions swamped him, adding several more knots to his stomach. He missed Nick. More than he cared to admit. It’d been nearly five years to the day that he’d walked away from Nick and Heather and what had once been the closest he’d ever come to coexisting in a relationship. It’d been an unconventional one. A disaster in the making. But that hadn’t stopped him from pursuing it to the bitter end. Just one more nail hammered into the coffin of his past.

The couple paused to kiss, awarding him a brief glimpse of their dueling tongues. A breathless moan fluttered from the woman as her partner caressed her breasts through the clingy fabric of her black mini dress. Her gaze flicked to Kevin, the sultry invitation in her eyes unmistakable. An odd sense of déjà vu crashed into him. He’d seen that same expression countless times adorning Jana’s face—both in reality and in his fantasies. It was practically identical to the one she’d worn earlier when she’d been straddling his lap.

His attention strayed to the Nick lookalike, who was now sliding his free hand along the woman’s hip, dragging her short skirt upward and revealing a tantalizing peek of curvy thigh and lacy black garter. With the dim lighting and the woman’s blonde hair and her seductive eyes, it was all too easy to pretend he was watching Jana with Nick.

An unexpected thunderbolt of lust speared low in his groin, stiffening his cock. Jana and Nick. The mere idea should have made him queasy or tempt him into punching the nearest wall. Instead it had him hard as a damn slab of marble.

If that didn’t verify how truly warped he was, nothing would.

The man’s fingers slipped beneath the woman’s dress, moving between her thighs. A moment later a gasp sprang from her lips. The Nick lookalike hiked the skirt higher, giving Kevin a clear view of the female’s bare, shaved p-ssy. The man pumped his fingers, burying them to the knuckles in her pink, moist flesh. “She has the tightest, wettest cunt. Don’t you, baby?”

Breath hitching, the woman nodded before boldly staring in the direction of Kevin’s groin. He didn’t need to glance down to know he was tenting the fly of his khakis. It disturbed him on a certain level, the realization that he was this turned on by the two people on this planet capable of twisting his insides out. Not the pair standing in front of him, but the individuals he’d mentally substituted them for—Jana and Nick.

“Care to play with us?” The man continued finger-f*cking his partner as he voiced the casual inquiry.

Kevin swallowed, his mouth a dry wasteland. When he spoke, his voice was far raspier than he cared to admit. “I only watch.”

A silky smile ghosted over the woman’s lips. “Maybe we can convince you to join in.”

“Don’t bother. Not my scene.”

Disappointment tipped the female’s mouth into a pout. “You’ve never—”

“No.” Liar. “Don’t intend to change my policy anytime soon.” In that respect he was at least telling the truth. He’d engaged in his fair share of threesomes. Probably more than this couple had indulged in. But that was another part of his life that’d stay buried in his murky past.

The man removed his fingers from his partner’s p-ssy and slipped them between her lips. She sucked them with a rapturous groan, the sound squeezing around Kevin’s cock like a velvet fist.

“We’d enjoy it if you watched. Choice is yours.” With his tempting proposition hovering in the air, the man took his partner’s hand and led her up the steps.

Heart thudding, Kevin eyed their retreating backs. Encouraging this twisted fantasy was a dangerous game. They’re not Jana and Nick. It doesn’t mean anything, you f*cking idiot. Despite his desperate reassurances, Kevin’s gut still clenched as he strode after the couple.

At the top of the stairs, they made a left, heading toward one of the small rooms used for public viewings. Kevin spared the sexually decadent interior of the room the barest glance as he stepped inside. The moment the Nick lookalike started undressing the woman, the pair became Kevin’s sole focus. The slinky dress pooled at the woman’s feet, and her partner helped her step out of the circle of fabric before unclasping her bra. Palming her full breasts, the man lowered his head and swirled his tongue around one puckered areola.

Sweat crawled down Kevin’s spine as he remembered the feel of Jana’s satin-covered nipple inside his mouth. Although he knew he was only tormenting himself, he replayed those erotic moments when she’d been impaled on his fingers. The feel of her coming had been like nothing he could have imagined. God knows, that memory would be forever implanted in his mind.

A prickly wave of desire lapping through him, he pictured Jana squirming on his pumping hand. Meanwhile, Nick would be slowly kissing his way down her stomach. Knowing Nick, he’d string the torment out until Jana was a gasping, quivering wreck and begging him to lick her * while Kevin continued to finger-f*ck her.

Nick could be a tormenting bastard when it came to making a woman beg. His ability to read the female body and know precisely what it took to get her off—or delay her climax—was a skill that’d always fascinated Kevin. Considering his biggest weakness was watching a woman come, sharing a female with Nick had been his personal crack. An addiction that’d been nearly impossible to break.

The Nick lookalike kicked off his pants and fisted his cock before guiding it between his partner’s lips. Winding her hair tight in his hand, he began f*cking her mouth with harsh, guttural groans. The fragile bubble of Kevin’s fantasy popped. The man’s sloppy technique made it impossible to pretend he was nothing more than a poor imitation of Nick and a past that both haunted and tantalized Kevin.

Under different circumstances, he might have been aroused despite the rather lackluster performance, but all he felt was a familiar hollowness. The excitement he’d experienced seconds ago rapidly faded, along with his erection. The staged scene in front of him no longer holding any appeal, he turned and left the room.

The emptiness inside him expanded, filling his entire being until nothing remained but a numb void. This was his existence now. Anonymous sex that wasn’t even really sex. Not for him, at least. If Jana knew what was good for her, she’d forget him and find a man who wasn’t damaged beyond repair.