I Love You to Death

The human heart, four chambers supplying life to the body in repeated rhythmic contractions
∞

Playlist:
1. Dakota – Stereophonics
2. Talking to the moon – Bruno Mars
3. Punching in a dream – The Naked & Famous
∞

Music is an escape for me these days and sometimes I think it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s hard to believe that a combination of sound and silence can have such an effect on you. But it can. And it can affect you in ways you never thought possible.
It can make you smile. It can make you cry. It can make your heart stop and it can make your heart race. It can make you feel things you never even realised were inside of you. And it can stop you in your tracks before you even realise what’s happening.
Watching someone create music like that is amazing. Seeing, feeling someone have that affect on you, on a whole room full of people….it’s unbelievable, indescribable, breath taking. There’s no other way to say it. It’s why I love watching and listening to live music. Why I love going to see a band play, no matter if it’s a huge concert or a tiny pub.
It’s just always had that effect on me and for a second, it almost lets me forget everything else.
∞

Selena was my mom’s baby sister. I never knew my grandparents on mom’s side because they had both died long before I was born. Growing up with an older brother and my Dad, I always longed for the girlie things. Someone to go shopping with, to talk to about boys, someone to ask about all the stuff my Dad was only going to be too embarrassed to talk about. I remember watching Grace and her mom when we were kids and being envious of their bond, their connection. Although I was very close to my Dad, there was still a hidden longing to have my mom, even if it was something I’d never grown up having. But, Selena did that for me, she took on that role and helped fill the gap of my mom not being there. She did a lot more too. She was the mother I never had, and the best friend and confidant I needed. We were very close and I loved her very much.
She lived in Boston but I would still see her pretty regularly. Every couple of weeks I’d go up and stay with her. She was younger than my Mom, so it was easy for us to grow close. And we used to talk about everything. She knew about the teasing at school when I was a kid, she even tried to talk to the teachers for me. She knew about Grace and what she did. She knew all about Adam too, she was the one who’d told me to be prepared, to make sure I had protection. She didn’t judge and she didn’t criticise, she was just there for me to talk to.
She was also the first person to introduce me to music, really introduce me and show me what it was all about. She taught me what music could do to you, how it could change you. My Dad had always been into the soft rock kind of stuff. My brother on the other hand, he was into rap and heavy metal. I grew up never really forming my own tastes or ideas about it, just listened to whatever they liked or put on. Selena changed all of that for me. She actually played the piano, really well. She probably could have done something with it, but instead just chose to play and enjoy it, teach it to the kids at the school she worked at. It’s not the only thing she was in to though. She also introduced me to so much punk and alternative music that from time to time I had to ask her, "Why the hell do you play so much classical?"
She would always laugh and say, "Don’t ever be a music snob Ash, there’s something in every piece, always something, even the stuff Seth and your Dad listen too. You can always learn, feel, and get something from it."
I never heard such a wide range of music as when I was with Selena.
And she was right, there was always something to be learnt or gained from a piece of music, always. It may not move you in ways like other pieces would, but it would still do something to you, and really that’s what mattered, that it affected you, that you reacted in some way, even if it was only in a small way.
∞

When I leave work this afternoon, there’s something in my locker.
It’s a flyer and a cupcake.
My heart clenches as the memory of a band flyer comes rushing back to me. This one however has a post-it stuck to the front. It’s from Luke. His band; Infinity they’re called, are playing tonight. This is the show he mentioned at his party last weekend. These are some of the people I met there. I guess he really is inviting me to come along. Apparently the cupcake is to sweeten the invitation. I take a bite, it’s delicious, god the man really can cook. My hand closes around the flyer and I put it in my pocket. As I walk out of the shop, Luke is still here for some reason and he watches me go but doesn’t say anything.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
When I get home I’m restless, agitated. I’m listening to music and I’m drinking beer, definitely a dangerous combination. I want to go out, but I know it’s a bad idea. I try to tell myself that we are not friends, we’re only work colleagues and what harm can come from me going? But I know I’m kidding myself. I know these mind games I play in my head are all bullshit too. Luke and I are not just work colleagues. We are not quite friends yet either, but there is definitely something there. I just don’t know if I can define exactly what that is.
All I know is that I’m scared. Scared of him, of being around him and very scared of what could happen if I keep doing this.
∞

When I arrived in Boston that first time to see Sam, I was really nervous. Nervous about what it meant, about seeing him again after that night we’d spent together and unsure about what exactly was going on between us now. I remember my heart was racing as I knocked on the door to his place, a little after four in the afternoon.
Someone who was definitely not Sam answered it.
"Can I help you?" this guy said.
"Ah yeah, I’m after Sam?" I replied nervously.
He nodded as if expecting me. "You’re Ash right? Yeah Sam should be on his way home from school, come on in."
This made me feel a little better. At least this person knew who I was and I was expected.
The apartment was pretty small and fairly crowded. It was obvious guys lived there too; it wasn’t the neatest of places.
"I’m Simon," the guy said to me. "Can I get you a drink?"
"Ash" I replied, although he already knew that. "And yeah thanks, that’d be great."
He came back with a couple of beers and handed one to me. Technically I wasn’t old enough to be drinking, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I took it gratefully and drank a big mouthful.
About four seconds later the door opened and Sam walked in. I nervously turned to look at him and when I saw the look on his face, all of my fears disappeared.
"Hey Ash, you made it," he said, a huge smile on his face as he dumped his bag, came over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. My body melted against his and I was reminded of the day we spent wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed before he’d come back to Boston.
"I did, thanks for the invite," I said against his shoulder.
He pulled back to look at me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "It’s really good to see you again," he whispered, before kissing me some more.
I half heard Simon groan and walk out of the room. I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be here with Sam. Relieved that he was so happy to see me and very happy about the kiss he was currently giving me. I wasn’t nervous at all anymore.
∞

In the end I go.
As I arrive at the club all I can hear is a god awful noise that appears to be some off-key combination of guitar, drums and vocals that’s being labelled as music. There’s nothing musical about it. I really hope this isn’t Luke’s band, because I surely can’t sit through this crap let alone pretend it’s actually any good. I take a chance and go in and it’s a relief to discover it’s not him.
The club is almost full, which surprises me given the band that’s currently on stage. It’s also quite dark inside, which is good, the only lights being over the stage area, which spans almost the entire back wall. I head in the opposite direction and order myself a beer, sitting at the end of the bar, trying to remain hidden. Maybe if he doesn’t know it won’t count.
The awful band finally finishes and it looks like I’m not the only one who’s grateful. I see Luke and the others come out and start setting up on stage so I know he must be on next. I take a swig of my beer and sink further into the shadows. Infinity comes on stage. They plug in their instruments. Luke steps up to the microphone and says a few words to the audience and then they launch into their music and quite suddenly, I’m completely blown away.
It turns out they are really, really good.
And Luke….wow, Luke is amazing. So very different to what I expected. I didn’t even realise he’d be the lead singer, I just assumed he played guitar. I notice Jared beside him, also playing guitar and the guy who gave me the drink on drums. The bass player I vaguely remember, but I can’t think what his name is.
I turn back to Luke and watch him on stage and I find myself kind of mesmerised by him. He plays with passion, conviction and skill. His body moulds to his guitar as if he knows it intimately, like it’s a part of him. It makes my stomach churn just to watch him. I close my eyes and listen. His voice is unbelievable - scratchy, raw and it sounds very, very sexy. It stirs a weird reaction deep inside of me. I open my eyes again and keep watching him. He pretty much commands that you both look and listen to him and I’m surprised to find, I can’t turn away now.
I’m shocked. Amazed. And something very strange is happening to me, a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. My skin is tingling. My body feels alive. My heart is pounding, keeping time to the beat, speeding up when they reach a chorus and slowing down for the melody. Their music is intoxicating and his voice is beautiful. They do a cover of Dakota that is truly amazing and the most unique version of that song I’ve ever heard. It’s dedicated to just someone.
I watch them play for over an hour but as soon as they finish, I have to leave. I don’t want to risk staying. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have come in the first place and I’m far too nervous to stay now. I’m too scared to see him when I’m feeling like this.
On my way back home I grab a burger to eat. I pick up some more beer from the store and I slowly walk back to my apartment. Once inside, I eat my dinner and drink another beer. I take a shower and wash the smoke off me. I take my time, stalling as I stand under the hot water, remembering the night. The lingering memory of his music and the feeling I had sitting there listening to it, watching him create it. When I finally get out and get dressed, I go to my computer, my hair wrapped in a towel and look for what I know will be there. An email, just as I expected, is sitting there in my inbox.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: And…?


There’s nothing else, no message, just that one word in the subject line and I have to stop for a second, unsure about whether I should answer. He obviously knows I was there, despite the fact I stayed at the back of the room. I should write back. It’s the right thing to do. Right?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: And…?
That band before you really sucked.


I don’t know why I do this, but I’m playing with him. I want to tease him a little. I want to drag it out, make him want it. Do something to him like he just did to me. I hit send.
He writes back immediately.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE: And…?
But…..are you going to make me beg?
Do you want more cupcakes? I’ll bring you some right now?


I smile. I can’t help it.
I wait a minute longer not really sure why I’m doing this.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE: And…?
Really, really good Luke – I never knew you could sing as well?!
Your band, your music, your voice, it’s all amazing.
FYI the cupcake was too. Thank u.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: And…?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming.…next time, stick around after we finish.
Hang out with us some more.
Cupcakes are yours anytime you want them.
I hope you liked your song.


Oh, the dedicated song. He remembered. Shit, he really remembered.
I can’t help it, I smile again and at the same time, feel something in my chest tighten at his words.
That he could want a next time. That he gave me a song.
Again, that strange feeling inside me as I realise what I’m actually smiling about is the possibility of a next time and another song. I’m smiling because of this possibility and I don’t want to think about how wrong it is. My heart’s pounding in my chest right now. It’s beating as if I’m excited or happy or turned on. I don’t know which of these feelings applies, but just for a moment I want to forget about all of the bad stuff, about all of the fear and all of the pain and just allow myself to feel it.
To hear my heart tell my body what it’s feeling and what it wants.
We keep chatting for a while about the night, about the shitty band on before him and about the music he wants to write and the ideas he has. He knows a lot about music and performing and even writing, I mean he really knows music. It reminds me so much of Selena and all the times she used to talk to me about it, I can imagine the two of them would’ve never stopped talking had they met in another lifetime. And now I know about his band, now that I’ve seen them and told him how good they are, it’s like a floodgate has been opened. He has so many ideas, so many plans. He sends me words he has written, links to songs he likes. I can see that music is his real passion and I know that his band has potential to do great things. I hope it works out for him.
By the time we both crash, I’m surprised to see it’s now 4am and I have over forty emails in my inbox.
I’m also still smiling. My heart’s still racing and for the first time in so many months I feel different, lighter even. I want to saviour this feeling.
Because I know what this feeling is now.
Tonight as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, his music enters my dreams. It’s all I hear at first and it replaces my usual nightmare for a while. It feels like a small breath of fresh air after months of barely being able to breathe.
When I wake up the next morning however, the nightmare has come back. The same strangled cry pulls me from my sleep and I have to force the images away, try to forget that awful picture that sears itself into my brain every single night and instead remember the previous evening. The band, their music and especially Luke’s voice. It makes me smile and although my heart is pounding from the nightmare, I feel it change slightly when I think about last night. When I remember how I felt watching him, listening to him. I wish I could let him know how it made me feel.
I wish I could let him know how much it affected me.
I wish I could let him know that he made me happy, if just for one night.
∞

Selena was a bit like me in that she was also pretty shy. It wasn’t the only thing we had in common, but I guess like Grace and me, it’s what made it that much easier for us to relate to each other. It also meant that Selena had trouble getting herself a boyfriend, because she just didn’t put herself out there. Even my Dad tried to fix her up a few times and that’s saying something from the man who only had a handful of girlfriends after he lost his wife.
I can remember the day I decided we needed to be proactive about it all. "Let’s put your profile on one of those websites?" I suggested.
"No way!" Selena had said immediately.
"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, they aren’t as crappy as they used to be."
"Yeah but they’re full of crazies who post fake pictures of themselves just to try and get laid," she said, handing me a coffee.
I was spending the weekend with her in Boston. It was actually Valentine’s Day weekend, which is probably what spurred me on to suggest it in the first place. The two of us had spent the night watching romantic comedies and lamenting our non-existent love life. Adam had only just died a couple of months ago and I remember Selena handing me a glass of wine the night before and saying, "Well if you’re old enough to have sex, then I figure you probably need a drink too. Just don’t tell your Dad," she said smiling. "Or Seth!"
I laughed, taking the glass from her. I’m pretty sure she knew I’d been drunk before, thanks namely to Seth anyway.
So that’s how we’d spent our sad miserable Valentine’s Day. Drinking a couple of bottles of wine and watching cheesy movies. The next morning under the burden of a light hangover and over a greasy breakfast, I came up with the idea.
"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, we’ll screen them and we can have a code to get you out of a bad date or something."
"You do realise you live in Providence, so it will be a long way to come and rescue me from a bad date!"
I took a sip of the coffee trying to think of a way to make her agree to this. Seventeen year old me trying to set up her twenty-eight year old aunt. "How about you make your first date on a weekend when I’m here, then I can happen to stroll by and if it’s not working out, you can see me and have an excuse to bail?" I suggested.
She stood there looking at me like I was an idiot, but I could tell she was thinking about it. I imagined she was pretty lonely up here at times, so was maybe thinking the idea of a boyfriend wasn’t such a bad one.
As if to fortify herself, she took a sip of coffee, ran her fingers through her hair and said, "Ok, what the hell, let’s try it."
So that’s what we did, we posted Selena’s profile at www.theselonelyhearts.com mainly because they offered a four month free trial, so really she had nothing to lose anyway.
If only that had been true.
∞

The week after Luke’s concert, I find a CD waiting in my locker, another cupcake sitting on top of it, almost like it’s enticing me. When I take Luke his morning coffee, I hold it up to him and ask, "A mixed tape?"
He smiles at me and says, "No, it’s actually a recording of our stuff, thought maybe you might like it?" It almost looks as though he’s blushing now.
As I look at the CD in my hand, I wonder just how good they really are. "You guys have an album?"
Yeah, Luke is definitely blushing now, as he keeps smiling at me. "No, I mean we paid to record one once, just as a potential demo, but to be honest, it’s pretty basic. You’ll see when you listen, the sound isn’t great, but you know…." He does that thing where he runs his hand over his hair again. "I just thought you might like it, you seemed to like it the other night," he finishes quietly.
Watching Luke, I can see he’s looking at me intently now. His eyes are very dark, he isn’t blushing anymore, but he’s watching me, waiting for my reaction. It makes me nervous, him looking at me like this and I can already feel a blush creeping up my own cheeks now, my heart beating slightly faster than normal.
"Thanks," is all I can say at first, looking at the CD of his music that I’m holding. "And you’re right, I did really like your music, you guys are, um…" I look back at him gesturing with the CD in my hand as though this will make sense to him, "…really good."
He laughs a little now. "Thanks Ash, I’m glad you came along."
As I stand there looking at him sipping his coffee, I wonder again, how he even knew I was there. "I actually didn’t think you’d seen me that night?"
There’s that hand over the hair again. "I saw you," he says quietly, taking another sip of his coffee, his eyes watching me the whole time.
Yep, heart is definitely going faster now.
We both stand there in silence, just drinking our coffees and half watching each other. It all feels a little strange. I know that I’m nervous and I’m pretty sure he is too, although I don’t really know why. I’m also not sure what to think of Luke’s gift, the CD. It’s true I did really like their music, but is that why he gave it to me.
Why is he being so nice to me?
∞

The fourth guy that contacted Selena was the one she ended up going out with. We both had a good laugh looking through all the guys that posted on the site, but when it came to going through the ones who specifically contacted her, we tried to be a little bit more serious. That wasn’t always so easy.
I’d come up the weekend after Valentine’s Day so we could go through them. She said she’d had four emails but was too scared to look at them until she had some moral support. I was glad she thought of me.
Mystery guy number one drove trucks around the country and was basically looking for a pit stop every time he dropped by Boston. He seemed very serious about the whole thing although he was open about all the other cities he had women lined up in. I guess that’s something, but he still went straight to the deleted pile. Mystery guy number two had a couple of kids, although he said he was divorced.
Selena wasn’t anti-kids, but as she said, "It’s not what I’m looking for right now, so yeah it’s mean, but no thanks."
I was secretly glad about that as I wasn’t quite prepared to share her that much yet either. Mystery guy number three, was in a word, weird. In keeping with his number, he was looking for women to take part in threesomes. He promised discretion and enjoyment with himself and another woman, and asked whether Selena was interested. One look from her and I laughed and hit delete again.
Then came mystery guy number four. He seemed half decent, at least on paper, a good catch in fact. Early thirties, been out of a long-term relationship four years now, no kids, stable job in Boston and was looking for like-minded woman to have some fun with.
"What do you think?" I asked her.
Selena was biting her thumb nail, something she always did when she was nervous. "Ok, I’m being totally shallow here, but what does he look like?"
I logged on to her account and had a look. Not bad, not bad at all actually. Turning to her and smiling, I asked, "Well?"
"Why the hell is he single?" she asked me. "If he’s that good, why’s he single?"
I laughed then, reaching to pull her thumb from her mouth. "The same could be said for you Selena. What do you think, give him a go?"
I was holding her hands in mine, stopping her from chewing them again. She was twitching in her chair and I knew she was nervous. "Come on, it’ll be fun," I said. "Meet him in a public place, don’t bring him home with you and just see what happens?"
She was still looking unsure so I said, "Do you want me to come with you?" Knowing it would provoke a reaction from her.
"NO!" she yelled. "Geez, could I look any more like a child bringing a chaperone on a first date?"
I was definitely laughing now. "Ok, come on, let’s organise a date for next weekend. I’ll come up and worst case, it sucks, you leave and we hang out for the night. One try, what do you say?"
Eventually she agreed.
They went out the very next weekend. She came home that night as promised, but the date was good. Selena was happy. "Thanks Ash," she said. "You were right, I needed that." They’d arranged to meet up again and I was very glad she’d agreed to it all.
Four weeks later that all changed.
Four weeks later this guy, Kyle he was calling himself, showed his true colours. No one really understands what happened. Selena had said he was fantastic, that everything was going well. She thought maybe things might be getting serious. I wasn’t coming up on weekends all the time now, just so she could enjoy being with him. I hadn’t met him yet, but from everything she’d told me, I thought he seemed great, really great.
But then Selena wasn’t seen for four days straight. I remember calling her during that time and not getting an answer, either at home or on her cell. I was trying to organise my next visit, figured she was out with Kyle, having a good time.
I was really happy for her.
Unfortunately Selena was lying dead in her apartment. Forty-four stab wounds to her body. A fatal one through her heart which ended her life. For four days she had lain there. Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.
Turns out, Kyle was wanted in several other states. He’d done this before. Seemed to enjoy pretending to be this fantastic guy who lured his victims in through these matchmaking websites. Would often spend months convincing them he was the one and when they finally succumbed, he brutally murdered them like it was some kind of game. Selena was his fourth victim. That they knew of anyway.
Of course she never would have known him if it wasn’t for me pushing her to try the online dating thing in the first place. Pushing her to go out with him.
Convincing her to just give him a go.
∞

When I get home tonight I listen to the CD Luke gave me. He’s right, it’s very basic, very rough, but still, it’s all there. You can hear his voice, hear their music, and feel their passion. I turn it up loud and sit in the middle of my living room floor with a beer and just listen to them. It’s not the same as the club, but when I close my eyes, for a second I can almost pretend I’m there, almost.
All of the songs are theirs and I wonder who writes them. Who comes up with these words and all the sounds that go with them. I wonder how long he’s been playing guitar and singing, because he’s really, really good at it. Listening to it makes me want to see them live. I really want to watch Luke create this in front of me again.
I leave his CD on repeat when I go to bed and for the first time since Sam died, I’m able to fall asleep without fear. For the first time since Sam died, I don’t have any nightmares at all. For the first time since Sam died, I sleep all the way through the night, waking up the next morning to the sunlight streaming through my window and the sound of Luke’s voice echoing through my apartment. It feels amazing to finally sleep a full night in complete peace and without fear. It’s even more amazing to wake up to the sound of his voice and their music. I lie in bed for a while, just listening as I watch the sunlight dance across my bedroom ceiling. There are no sounds except for Luke and his music and I feel like I could lie here all day listening to it.
I feel strangely happy again and wonder what I have to do to hang on to this feeling.