I Love You to Death

Threes; they can be evil, charms, wishes or simply the basis for harmony in music
∞

Playlist:
1. Bittersweet symphony – The Verve
2. Count on me – Bruno Mars
3. Make it without you – Andrew Belle
∞

I’ve always hated situations where I’m not going to know anyone. It’s why I couldn’t go to Nate’s wake and it’s why I never really made any friends. I don’t know why I can’t do it, but I just find it difficult. Difficult to talk to people, even before all of this other crap started.
Because of this, I’ve been called aloof, a bitch and much worse. To be honest, I no longer care. What I really am is incredibly shy, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Now it just makes my life simpler, because people find it easier to ignore me when they have this opinion of me. It’s better for everyone that I’m seen like this because then there’s less chance they’ll get to know me and less chance they’ll end up dead.
∞

I don’t know what to do about Luke’s party. We aren’t friends, not by a long stretch, but I know he’s going to keep asking me to come along. He’s already mentioned it three more times since he sent that email inviting me. It’s not that I don’t like him; that has nothing to do with it. There’s definitely something about him that intrigues me. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, he’s different to what I expected.
The problem is, these days I know it’s a dangerous thing for someone to get to know me, to want to know me. Even though we aren’t actually friends yet, it will happen eventually and then everything will change.
After the cut hand, the dead fish and the phone incident, Luke and I have been circling, like sharks. By day I avoid him, but by night he emails me. A lot. Most of the time, I find myself emailing him back. It’s a lot easier when neither of us is face to face and to be honest it’s nice to have someone to talk to again. He must know something’s wrong with me, yet he still keeps talking to me. And that’s what has me confused, why does he? None of the stuff we talk about is very serious, I mean it’s hard to work out exactly what we could possibly have in common anyway, but he talks to me, for some unknown reason he talks to me.
But then, when we see each other at work, I still find it all pretty awkward. After everything that’s happened I feel too exposed, because he’s seen a part of the real me that I usually manage to keep hidden. I know it’s more than that; it’s that when he saw it, he didn’t run away. If anything, it’s only encouraged him, because now he seems to see a lot more, or wants to anyway. This makes me feel very nervous.
His party is this weekend and I still don’t know whether I’m going. I haven’t been to a party in months, not since Sam was alive and it makes me feel a little sick at the thought of walking into one now, especially where I won’t know anyone. In any case I don’t actually know where Luke lives, so that may solve my problem. Of course I could just ask him, but that would be too easy.
On Saturday however, when I come to work, my problem is invariably solved. Today there is a post-it note stuck on my coffee machine. All it says is;
3/303 Huntington Ave
8pm
I guess this is where he lives. I take the note off and put it in my pocket. I make Luke his coffee and take it out to him.
"Hey, thanks Ash," he says when I put it down. "So you’re coming tonight right?"
I look at him. He has a face of expectation, almost like a little kid who thinks he’s getting something he’s been asking about for ages. It’s almost enough to make me smile, almost.
"I’ll try," is all I can promise.
"Well I hope to see you there," he says as I turn and walk out to the front.
There’s a small part of me that almost wants to go. Like I said, I have nothing against Luke. In fact he’s been nothing but nice to me since I came back to work. He doesn’t ask me questions about what happened with Sam and he doesn’t force me to talk. By emailing me, it’s almost like he knows I prefer the removed contact, like he knows it’s the only thing I can cope with right now. There is the whole staring at me thing, which he does an awful lot, but as much as it makes me uncomfortable, there are worse things than having someone like him staring at you.
Which I guess brings me to the obvious problem. The one I can’t help but notice and definitely can’t ignore. He is good looking, really good looking. And yes if I’m being honest, then I’m probably in some small way, attracted to him. There’s no denying it, I’m only human and like all women, I can certainly appreciate an attractive guy when he walks in the room. They’re nice to look at and of course it’s always flattering when they pay attention to you. For me though, that just brings a whole host of problems with it.
He’s a lot taller than me, a lot taller than Sam was too. Not that I’m comparing them, I mean they look nothing alike, but it’s hard not to notice that difference. He has dark hair, which he keeps shaved very close to his head. He’s not bald; his hair is just very short. He comes to work in jeans and various different t-shirts featuring bands or some other logo and every morning he changes into a chef’s outfit. Both options work for him. I mean he just looks really good, period. Without even trying, he looks good and I suspect he would also look good if those clothes weren’t on him at all. He also has a great smile. One that lights up his whole face and makes it very hard for you not to just smile back at him. I think it’s part of why him staring at me and smiling so much is making me feel so nervous. I just don’t feel comfortable with that level of attention, regardless of who it’s from. It all feels too intense and it scares me.
For the rest of the day, Luke and I don’t really speak. At least not about anything that isn’t work related. But just as he’s leaving he comes and finds me. I look up when I hear him say my name.
"Yeah?"
He smiles at me again. "Tonight, it’s no big deal okay, but I’d really like it if you came along, just to, you know, hang out."
I’m standing here looking at him. He has that expectant look on his face again and between that and the smile, I’m almost convinced. "Can I bring anything then?" I ask, still not really committing.
His smile gets bigger as he says, "Just yourself," before turning and walking out.
"Okay," I answer too late.
I guess this means I’m going then.
∞

Sam never liked Liam. I don’t particularly like Liam either but I can work with him, ignore him and not really worry about him. Sam on the other hand, he hated him, but I actually found it kind of sweet when I found out why.
"I don’t like the way he looks at you Ash," he would say when I first asked why he’d decided to start picking me up from work every day.
I laughed and said, "What?"
"Liam; he looks at you like he forgets you have a boyfriend and I just want to remind him that you do." Sam said, completely serious.
I laughed again. "So what, this is some kind of macho, alpha possessive thing? You’re asserting your dominance to him?"
"Yeah I am," Sam replied, pulling me into a hug. "You belong to me, only me and I want him to know that," he continued before kissing me.
I pinched him as I jokingly said, "Yours huh, you think you own me?"
Sam smiled as he whispered, "No it’s really you who owns me Ash. My heart, it belongs to you and only you. I just want him to know that."
I laughed before kissing him and saying, "I promise you have nothing to worry about Sam, Liam’s harmless. Just ignore him, it’s what I do."
Sam still continued to pick me up after work, but I actually didn’t mind that he did. I kind of liked the idea that he was letting the world know we were together, and I really liked the idea that his heart was mine to keep.
Because he had stolen mine ages ago.
∞

I get to Luke’s place around 9pm. I want to make sure I’m not the first person there, but when I arrive and see the place is full, I suddenly wish I’d been here earlier. I don’t want to have to try and fit in with these people who clearly all know each other. I’m heading into the kitchen when Luke finds me.
"Hey Ash, you made it! Can I get you a beer?" he asks. He’s smiling at me and actually looks happy to see me here.
"Ah sure, thanks, that’d be great." I’ve already had a couple at home, trying to settle my nerves at the idea of walking into this party alone.
He grabs two, handing one to me, before leaning back against the counter with the other. The whole scene is so eerily reminiscent of my first meeting with Sam, that I briefly close my eyes, blocking the image that’s formed in front of me. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all.
"Are you okay Ash?" Luke asks.
I open my eyes to find him looking at me, a concerned expression on his face now. It’s that same question again, the one he always seems to ask me. I must look like a total basket case to him, I have no idea why he bothers talking to me.
"Yeah I’m okay Luke, thanks," I reply, trying to smile at him.
"You want me to introduce you to my flatmate?" he asks.
I take a sip of my beer. "Um, maybe later."
Luke smiles at me. "Sure," he says, leaning against the counter sipping his beer and still watching me.
I have to change this. I move and lean against the counter beside him, probably not the best idea, but I just have to change it. There’s about a foot of space between us, but it feels much smaller.
Luke looks down at me. "Not really into big parties then?"
Is it that obvious? "Mmmm, not really into situations where I don’t know anyone," I say surprising myself.
He half laughs. "Yeah I know what you mean. The party was Jared’s idea really, not mine."
I look sideways at Luke. He’s staring out of the kitchen into the living room now, like he’s trying to work out what all of these people are doing in his house. I wonder if he truly doesn’t want them here, if he’s just being accommodating to them and his flatmate.
We don’t say anything more, both of us just watching the people as they talk, laugh and interact with each other. I try to imagine if he feels like he’s watching it all from the outside, like I do. I wonder if he also feels like an observer in his own life. But I can’t possibly ask him, so instead I finish my beer which catches up with the ones I’ve already had at home.
"Bathroom?" I ask.
He turns back to me, a small smile on his face now. "I’ll show you where it is. Thanks for coming by the way."
I actually smile back at him. Somehow he makes this easier.
I’m in the bathroom when it happens.
"Ash, how you doing? Man, you look really good tonight."
Liam, shit.
"I’m fine thanks," I answer without looking, concentrating instead on just washing my hands.
"So ah Ash, do you wanna maybe go out sometime?" he asks in a voice full of confidence, but nothing sincere.
I stop washing my hands but refuse to turn around. I don’t want to look at him, especially now. I’ve never liked him even if he was harmless, but right now this feels very different. He’s never done anything like this before. Yes, he made some stupid comments to rile me up when he knew Sam wasn’t around, but nothing like this. I don’t understand why he thinks he can do this. He knows what happened to Sam, so why is he doing this to me now. Was he always just waiting?
"No Liam," I finally say. "I don’t think that would be a good idea."
He says nothing more, but suddenly I know he’s standing right behind me. I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. It is hot and makes me feel sick. I don’t want him this close to me. I look up and see his reflection in the mirror, staring at me.
"Ash," he says, a smile on his face. "Come on, it’ll be fun, I promise."
I turn now and face him. "No Liam, I really don’t think so."
I watch as his eyes widen. I watch as the confidence falls from his face. I watch as anger replaces it, and I suddenly realise just how close he is when he spits out, "Why Ash, I’m not good enough, not good enough for you. Not like Sam?"
I flinch at the words. I’m boxed in, trapped against the sink and my heart is racing now. Liam doesn’t seem to notice as he continues.
"Look I know what happened with Sam okay, I just thought maybe you might be over it all, you know, ready to think about someone else."
"F*ck you Liam," I suddenly scream at him. "F*ck you."
I put my hands on his chest to push him away but he grabs my wrists. His grip tightens as he stares at me and all I can smell is the alcohol on his breath.
"What?" he says, his voice harder now. "What is your problem Ash, what makes you think I’m not good enough? You aren’t that perfect you know, not with all the shit you carry around."
I’m shaking now. Shaking at the words he’s throwing at me, shaking at the closeness of him, shaking at the anger that’s radiating off of him. I feel sick, scared and desperate to get away from him. He was always a dick at work, but never this bad, never this aggressive. I try to push him away again but his fingers tighten. My skin is burning and I twist my arms to try and free them from his grip. He doesn’t let go.
"Ash," says a voice I instantly recognise. "Are you okay?"
I say nothing, my eyes closing now as frustrated tears threaten to fall from them. I have to block Liam out, block out the look that’s on his face, try to pretend he isn’t this close to me. I can only whisper now as I say, "Let me go Liam, just f*ck off and let me go."
He doesn’t move and all I can smell is the stench of alcohol and his warm breath which is blowing in my face. I’m really going to be sick in a minute. Still he doesn’t move.
"Get the f*ck out of here you a*shole," says a different voice. It’s spoken so angrily, but I still don’t open my eyes. I feel Liam let go of my wrists and finally move away from me and although I’m barely standing, I can’t do anything except open my eyes, turn and walk quickly away. I don’t look back, I walk out of the bathroom and somewhere, anywhere else, opening the nearest door I can find. I hear someone call out my name but I ignore it and close myself in the room. It’s someone’s bedroom, a small lamp on a table illuminating a large room with double bed and an open closet, a smaller bathroom through another open door. Walls covered in band posters. Piles of books stacked everywhere all over the floor.
I’m still shaking as I listen to the shouts from outside. I don’t know what’s going on out there, but several voices are shouting and then a door slams. A few minutes later I hear the door to the room I’m in open. I don’t turn around.
"Ash?"
Luke.
"Ash, are you okay?"
I shake my head now, honestly answering his question for once. I still can’t turn around, can’t face him. My whole body is shaking now; at the words Liam said, at his touch on my skin, at his breath in my face. I can’t make it stop.
"I’m so sorry," Luke says quietly. "I shouldn’t have invited him, I’m sorry."
He closes the door and walks over to me. I can feel him standing directly behind me. Still I say nothing.
"I’m really sorry Ash," Luke continues. "I don’t know what else to say."
My tears are falling freely now and I lower my face, covering it with my hands, burying my shame. Luke must step around me because the next thing I know, his arms are around me and he’s holding me. The next thing I know is my face is buried in his chest and I’m crying. He gently strokes my hair and doesn’t say anything more and all I can feel are his arms, wrapped around me. All I can feel is the warmth of his body, pressed against mine. All I can smell is him through my tears.
He doesn’t say anything more to me and I don’t know how he knows how to do this. How can I possibly feel okay standing here with him like this, after what happened back in the bathroom? I don’t want to be this close to him, but I can’t bring myself to move away, because he feels warm, strangely safe. And although I know this is wrong and I should move, I can’t because I feel my shaking body finally start to slow down.
How can any of this feel okay?
∞

When I was a kid, I met someone who was exactly like me. Grace hated making friends too. Neither of us would’ve even known each other, if it wasn’t for school seating arrangements. I still don’t know why we were sat together. It wasn’t alphabetical, I was a Black, she was a Robinson, so we were nowhere near each other. I guess it was just luck.
Or bad luck in her case.
When we first got put together, neither of us said anything for the whole day. I was too shy and she was too shy. I wanted to be friends with her and later on she told me she did too. It just took us a while to get there. Once we got over it though, that was it. We were best friends, at least until the inevitable happened.
The reason we did become friends in the end, is simple. She stuck up for me. She defended me when no one else did and after that, well it was impossible for me not to like her.
Because I was so shy, I used to get picked on. A lot. It was ok when my older brother Seth was around, but by the time I met Grace, he was too far ahead and we weren’t in the same school anymore. He would still walk me to the gate and drop me off, but he wasn’t there during the day. Wasn’t there when the others starting teasing me.
I’d been sitting next to Grace for about three weeks, but we still hadn’t really spoken much. Neither of us could bring ourselves to get past a smile and a hello. After that we both seemed to get stuck. But when art rolled around, well, she became my saviour and then you couldn’t stop us talking.
I’ve never been particularly good at art. I like to think that somewhere inside me I’m creative, but I just can’t find the right way to execute it. I don’t know, maybe I really don’t have any talent. But that day I was going to have to find some because we were starting painting. Each of us had a huge canvas and we were painting whatever we wanted, as long as we only used three colours.
I was using black, red and grey.
"Grey is not a colour." I heard Mike, the biggest instigator of my teasing, say to his two little side-kicks. "It’s just the same as black."
The three of them sniggered at me, and while I wanted to disagree, I didn’t say anything, just kept painting and trying very hard to ignore them. Problem was Mike just kept going, he kept telling everyone I was too stupid to pick three separate colours. That I didn’t even realise black and grey were the same thing and that I couldn’t even paint right. I was desperately trying to ignore what he was saying, desperately trying to ignore the three of them laughing at me, but all I wanted to do was disappear. All I wanted to do was paint myself a colour which hid me from everyone, especially Mike.
Eventually when he saw he wasn’t getting a reaction from me, he walked over to my canvas with his paintbrush. As he pushed me out of the way, he started flicking yellow paint all over my painting. He was holding a pot of it in one hand and he just kept dipping his brush in and flicking more and more paint over it. I stood there mute. I just couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry.
Then out of the corner of my eye I saw Grace. I saw Grace walk over with her pot of black paint. I saw Grace walk right up to Mike and dump the whole pot over his head. Then I saw Grace reach out and take my hand. Pulling me away from my ruined painting and over to hers, where she was painting with the same three colours as me.
"I don’t like him very much," was all she said to me as the teacher came rushing over to find out what had happened.
I smiled at her. "Neither do I."
After that day, talking to each other was not a problem anymore. And the teasing stopped too, especially from Mike. I think he was kind of afraid of Grace, while I was just in awe of her. We hung out every day after that, sitting together in class and during lunch. We’d spend many afternoons at each other’s house and would often have sleep overs on the weekend. I was so relieved to finally have a friend, someone to talk to and so very glad the teasing had stopped.
And just like that, we became best friends forever.
Well, three years to be exact.
∞

Eventually I pull back from Luke’s embrace, taking my hands from my face and turning my head away from him. I see leaning against the wall are three guitars; electric and acoustic.
"Do you play?" I ask, wiping the last of my tears as I turn back to him.
"Yeah," he says turning to look at his guitars.
I look up at him. "Are you any good?"
He laughs softly and turns back to face me. "I don’t know. Why don’t you come watch us play one night and then you can let me know," he says, his fingers reaching out to wipe a tear from my cheek. I let him. His thumb is soft against my skin.
"You’re in a band?" I ask, surprised. He’s never mentioned this in his emails.
"Yeah," he answers the tiniest amount of pride lighting up his face. "We actually have a gig next Saturday night, you should come along, see what you think, tell me if we’re actually any good."
I think this would be a very bad idea. I also think I really want to go and see him play, because I really love live music. Love nothing better than losing myself in a crowded room or stadium, anywhere that’s full of people who are all feeling the same thing. Who are all affected by the music that’s being played. There is nothing like it, the energy that surges through the room, the emotion that’s felt as a note is played or a word is sung. I love it. And it’s one of the few things I can do alone and still enjoy.
"You never told me you were in a band?"
Luke looks at me, half grinning, possibly half embarrassed. "Yeah, I think maybe I was kinda working up to it, you know. Waiting until we had a show sometime that you could come and see?" He seems a little nervous now.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I realise though, standing here looking at Luke, that he’s the nicest anyone has been to me since Sam died. That he is the first person to just be normal with me, to talk to me as though I’m normal, even if I’m clearly anything but. And he’s the first person who has touched me, comforted me. That it has been months and months since someone has held me at all. And right now, all I am is surprised that it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. And there is some part of me that’s strangely grateful for all this.
I shouldn’t go though. It’s not fair on him. It’s not safe for him to be around me.
"Ash?" he asks quietly. "Will you come along?"
I look back at him. He’s watching me, concern in his eyes, worry on his face. If only he knew.
What happened out there?" I suddenly ask, nodding towards the door. "With Liam?" For some reason, this matters to me now and I want to know.
I watch as his face changes slightly, as he thinks about my question, maybe trying to decide how to answer it.
"Luke?" I ask again.
He smiles at me now, but it’s only half a smile, like he doesn’t really mean it.
"Why did you come in?" I ask, trying to get him to answer me. I wonder if he knows what I’m talking about, but he must because he eventually says, "It just didn’t seem like you were comfortable in there with him. I don’t know, maybe I was overreacting, but it just didn’t feel right." His voice is a whisper now.
"Why?" I ask.
He takes a deep breath as he runs his hand over his closely shaven head, his eyes looking away from me.
I’m surprised at the sudden and unexpected thought that pops into my head. To wonder what that would feel like, what it would feel like to run my hand over his hair. I clench my hands by my side, digging my nails into my palm and stopping the temptation. "Luke?" I ask again when he remains silent.
Finally he looks back at me, takes a deep breath and answers. "Because of the things he said and did to you Ash, what he was trying to do. It’s not right, it wasn’t right." He looks away from me now, like he doesn’t want me to see whatever it is he’s thinking.
What. Why?
I want to ask why that matters to him, but I’m too afraid to. We are both silent and I know he’s waiting for me to ask what really happened, why what Liam said and did matters to him. But I can’t bring myself to ask the questions. I’m not sure I want to know the answers. This weirdness between us, it’s happening again and it’s making me uncomfortable. That he would stick up for me or that he would even care at all. I should go. It’s really not a good idea for me to stay here now.
I want to go. I want to stay. I can’t decide what to do.
I look away from him as I whisper, "Thank you." I don’t know what I’m saying it for, or even if he hears me. But when I try to go, my feet won’t move. I feel locked to the floor. I’m standing here and I’m suddenly unable to move. Luke is looking at me now, right at me and I don’t know what is happening.
Finally Luke says, "Do you want to go Ash?" At the same time I say, "I should go."
I’m talking about now, at least I think I am. I don’t know if he’s talking about now or next weekend. I want to go now but I want to go next weekend too. I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know I need to get out of here. Luke touches a finger to my cheek again. I didn’t notice him step closer. I look up at him and all I see is sadness and sorrow on his face, and I don’t know if I’m the reason for that too. Still I can’t say anything.
"Ash?"
"Let’s get another drink," I finally blurt out. A compromise for tonight, without the commitment for next weekend.
Luke’s fingers move and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. He looks surprised as if he didn’t plan on doing it and we are both just standing here watching each other now, unsure about exactly what’s happening. The whole room is filled with a tense silence that I didn’t expect and neither of us seems able to break. I feel like I’m being pulled in every possible direction by some unknown force, and the strongest one is pulling me towards Luke. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from, or why I’m having it, but it doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right, none of this should be happening.
Not now.
Not after Sam.
Not after everything.
I have to force myself to step back and I watch as his face changes briefly, his hand as it drops to his side. I wonder if he’s felt the same thing. I wonder if the room feels like a pressure cooker to him too. I try to smile at him and he smiles back and is once again Luke. We both turn towards the door, reaching for the handle at the same time. He glances at me, and I pull my hand back so he turns it first, gesturing for me to go through. We leave his room and everything changes. The tension that was just between us stays back in his bedroom as we walk out to re-join the party. I watch as he goes into the kitchen to get us some more beers. I watch as someone comes up to see if he’s ok, before they both turn and look over at me. Before I can look away, whoever it is smiles in my direction and then turns back to Luke. Someone else hands me a drink, saying, "You look like you could use this?"
I take it gratefully.
In the end, I stay for a couple more drinks and try to have a good time. I meet a bunch of people, including the guys from his band. One of them is Jared his flatmate, the one who was talking to Luke in the kitchen, the other voice from the bathroom. Another is the guy who gave me the drink, Ben I think his name is. Apparently there is a fourth guy too but I can’t remember his name. Liam is gone and I don’t see him at all. Most of the other people I barely speak to and I don’t remember much of them anyway. Luke stays near me for the rest of the night and when I do talk, it’s mostly to him. I’m not sure if he sticks close because he really doesn’t like parties, because he’s worried about me having a good time or if it’s because of something else.
I’m not sure about a lot of things, and I’m especially not sure about what passed between us back in his bedroom.
I don’t want it to happen again, not a third time.
∞

When I was ten, Dad took me and Seth to New York for Seth’s sixteenth birthday. Seth got to take a friend but I didn’t. I complained and generally didn’t act very grown up about it all, even though I knew it was Seth’s birthday and not mine. The main reason I acted that way was because finally I had a friend I wanted to take. Finally I had someone I was close enough to that I could share this with.
I remember Dad comforting me telling me, "Ash, come on kiddo, when it’s your birthday I’ll take you somewhere and you can bring Grace along, ok?"
"Promise?" I’d asked him.
Smiling at me Dad answered, "Of course. I promise next birthday, you get to bring a friend and Seth doesn’t."
His words worked and I knew he really meant it. Unfortunately by the time my birthday rolled around, I no longer had my best friend and in the end I told Dad I didn’t want to go anywhere.
New York though, turned out to be a lot of fun. Even though I wasn’t allowed to take Grace, Seth was still nice enough to include me so I couldn’t help but have a good time. Even his friend Matt didn’t seem to mind me hanging out with them. And of course my Dad was there too.
On the last day, we were in Time’s Square when we came across the M&Ms store. Going in I remember being overwhelmed by the walls of candy, each colour separated into its own container, stretching right up to the roof. Everywhere you looked there was M&Ms merchandise – toys, bags, everything.
"Dad, can I get something for Grace?" I asked, wanting to let her know I was thinking of her even if she couldn’t be there with me.
"No chocolate though ok?" he’d answered.
"Some for me though?" I asked, hopeful.
He smiled at me, rustling my hair like he always did. "Some for you kiddo, yes."
We’d arrived back home late Sunday night and after school the following Monday, I asked Grace to come over. I hadn’t taken the bag I bought her with me to school, wanting to surprise her with it later on.
She loved it and immediately tipped all the things from her old bag onto the floor so she could use her new one. Neither of us noticed where everything went and neither of us saw the problem that could possibly occur. I was too busy trying out her new lip gloss and Grace was too excited by the present I’d bought her. She packed all her stuff in it before standing up to put it on, admiring herself in my mirror. "Thanks Asha, I really like it."
She always called me Asha, she was one of the few.
Smiling back at her I said, "I’m glad, next time you can come with us."
"Cool!"
We hung out until dinner time. We should’ve been doing homework, but we didn’t, I spent the rest of the afternoon telling her all about New York and about all the cool things we’d do when we went there. Eventually Grace had to walk home. I waved goodbye to her from the front step.
Unfortunately she never made it home. Almost, but not quite.
Grace’s neighbour found her lying on her front lawn, right outside the front door. Grace was having an allergic reaction; she was really allergic to peanuts. Her mom was going through her bag, trying to find the epi-pen. God knows why she didn’t run inside and grab one of the others. Panic I guess. But it didn’t matter. She was never going to find it because no one knew it was lying under my bed at home. No one knew it had fallen out and rolled under there when Grace had emptied her old bag to throw everything into the new one I’d bought her. Neither of us saw it happen. I was too busy trying out her new lip gloss and she was too busy checking out her present from me. I never even found the epi-pen until years later when I was rearranging my bedroom.
The big question was how Grace had ever come into contact with the nuts in the first place. She knew she couldn’t eat them, knew she couldn’t go near them. Even I knew she couldn’t. It’s why I hadn’t bought her the chocolate M&Ms in the first place. Even the plain ones were made in the same factory as the peanut ones. All chocolate was bad for her.
I knew this.
Of course, I didn’t stop to think about what I’d been eating when I tried on her lip gloss. Didn’t stop to think about the peanut M&Ms I’d snuck in after school when I was getting us something to drink in the kitchen. The peanuts that still would’ve been on my lips when I tried her lip gloss on. The same lip gloss she probably used when she was walking home from my place.
But nobody ever knew, nobody ever worked it out. Grace’s mom, my Dad, they all asked me and I swore she didn’t eat any of the chocolate I brought home. I promised, I was certain, it wasn’t even in my room. I mean, I couldn’t work it out, didn’t work it out until years later. I was ten, remember. All I knew was that my best friend, the one person I could talk too, had died. Wasn’t going to be sitting beside me at school the next day or ever again. All because of what turned out to be a stupid, dumb decision on my part. A stupid, stupid decision that meant Grace, my best friend, my saviour, died.
The teasing started up again not long after she died and this time I had no one to stick up for me.