I Love You to Death

Seven, a neutral pH that like a seventh note is dependent on its surrounding environment
∞

Playlist:
1. I’ve got this friend – The Civil Wars
2. Friends – Band of Skulls
3. To whom it may concern – The Civil Wars
∞

Every situation you find yourself in can go in any number of different possible directions. All it takes is one little trigger and something changes. One thing which at the time might seem like nothing important but actually, has the power to change everything and that change can be good or bad.
I’ve often wondered if maybe I tried to change a situation, would it ever create a different outcome or, does making the change just create the very situation I’m trying to avoid. Could I have ever stopped any of the things I’ve done? Sometimes is it better to just let things happen and see where the path takes you? Because in the end, do you really have the power to change it anyway?
∞

When I was a kid I used to love going to visit my grandparents. I never got the chance to know the ones on my Mom’s side because they’d died long before I was born, so I felt even closer to the ones I did have. My Dad was originally from Maine and that’s where his parents still lived, in a beautiful old farmhouse that I absolutely adored going to. We would usually head up there twice a year, once in the winter time and once over summer. Winter was always my favourite time of the year because of all the snow. They got loads more than we ever did in Providence and it was so much fun to play in. I used to spend hours out there until I was freezing cold and soaking wet and then I’d come inside to a warm house and a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fire.
I was twelve years old the last time I loved that trip. We’d gone up in February and the snow that had started falling as we drove up there, continued all night. When I woke up the next morning, it was very early and the entire place was blanketed in white. It was thick and fluffy and perfect for sledding. I remember racing out of bed and into Seth’s room, jumping on his bed to try and get him to wake up.
"Mmmm," came his muffled response. "What do you want?"
"Come on Seth, come outside, come outside," I said jumping on his bed.
"It’s too early Smash, go away," he mumbled back before rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.
I continued jumping for a few minutes but it was clear Seth wasn’t getting up. It was only 7am, but still, I wanted him to be as excited as me. I guess at eighteen you feel a little differently about snow and the thought of sledding. Disappointed, I climbed off the bed and made my way downstairs to the living room, wondering if I could put the TV on and wait for someone else to get up.
When I wandered down there though, Grandad was in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. I’d forgotten he was an early riser, probably because I was never usually up early enough to notice.
"Hey Grandad," I said as I walked past the kitchen.
He must have noticed my long face because he followed me into the living room to ask, "What’s wrong Ash, why so sad this morning?"
"Seth won’t get up and come outside with me," I said, sinking onto the couch in a huff.
"He won’t huh?" Grandad asked, sitting down beside me.
"No, and there’s heaps of snow outside and I just want him to come out and sled with me."
Grandad reached over and ruffled my hair as he suggested, "Well, what if I came outside with you?"
A huge smile broke out on my face as I turned to Grandad, "Really?" I asked. "You would?"
"Of course Ash, but I think you’d better go and put something warmer on, it’s pretty cold out there today," he said, smiling at me.
I raced off the couch and back upstairs to my room, yanking on as many layers as I could find. Flying back down the stairs I saw Grandad standing by the front door, pulling on his thick snow jacket and wrapping a scarf around his neck. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in his side. "Thanks Grandad, thanks for coming with me."
"Anytime Ash, anytime," he answered, tickling me as he always did, just to make me laugh.
We spent several hours out there that morning and it was so much fun. Both of us flying down the small hill that ran along the back of their property. Me always going faster because I was smaller and lighter than Grandad, Grandad always helping me haul my sled back to the top. By the time we came inside, both of us were red faced and out of breath.
Everyone else was up and in the kitchen by now and Dad was laughing when he saw the pair of us outside the back door.
"Look at you two huh, a busy morning then?" he said.
I pulled off my jacket, droplets of water falling all over the back step. I was smiling as I said, "Yep, it was the best."
As Grandad took my jacket and hung it up on the hook beside his, I padded into the warm kitchen and slid into a chair next to Seth, nudging him as he hunched over a steaming cup of coffee, still half asleep. "You should come with us next time sleepy head."
"Sleepy head, you’re usually the sleepy head Ash, I don’t how you were up so early this morning," Dad said smiling at me as Seth just grunted.
"Snow Dad, there’s snow!" I responded throwing my arms in the air.
He laughed and we all tucked into breakfast, Grandad coming to sit on the other side of me. I was starving after our morning of sledding, but I was so happy. Later on that day, Seth eventually came outside with me and we had a huge snowball fight, but for the rest of the week, as I continued to wake up early and find Grandad downstairs waiting to go sledding with me, it was just the two of us. As always Grandad had found a way to make everything better and I was happy.
Until the last day of our trip, when the inevitable happened.
∞

I’m walking home from work on Friday evening. It’s beautiful outside, winter is mostly gone now and spring is slowly on its way. The days already feel different. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight, but for once, I don’t feel like sitting at home alone.
As I walk along, I’m startled out of my daydream by the sound of someone knocking on glass. Looking up, I recognise the guys from Infinity sitting on the other side of the window. I don’t really know them that well and I can’t see Luke with them, but they’re gesturing for me to come inside.
Reluctantly, I hoist my bag further on my shoulder and push open the door to the diner. I go over to their booth and one of them sticks out his hand. "Ash hey, how are you?"
I shake his hand warily as I answer, "Okay."
"Jared, remember? I live with Luke," he says smiling. "And this is Ben and Steve, from the band," he continues, gesturing to the other guys sitting in the booth. "Have a seat, join us."
I feel a little weird standing here with these guys. Guys I don’t really know, but evidently seem to remember me. I do recognise them now and I know I met them all at Luke’s party, but that already feels like ages ago. Plus, Luke is not with them, which makes this whole thing feel even stranger.
"It’s okay thanks, I don’t want to disturb you guys." I say, already backing away from the table.
"Don’t be stupid, we called you in. Sit, have a drink with us!" Jared says to me, laughing.
So I sit. I sit next to the guy named Steve and across from Ben and Jared. They are all smiling at me and I have no idea what to say.
"So you’ve worked with Luke for a while then?" Ben eventually asks me.
"Yeah a while now I guess, maybe seven months," I answer, wondering why he’s asking me this.
"But you worked there before he started right?" Ben continues, smiling at me now.
I think back to that time. To the reason I wasn’t at work. To the reason Luke was hired in the first place. "Yes, before he started," is all I can bring myself to say.
A waitress comes over and I’m looking at her, trying to think of an excuse to escape. Ben orders another pitcher of beer and an extra glass. I’m stuck here then.
When the beer arrives, Jared pours me a drink. They’re all talking about a band they like. I’m half listening, when I feel someone slide into the booth next to me, pressing the length of their body against mine. Before I even turn, I know who it’s going to be.
"Hey," Luke says, a smile on his face.
I smile nervously back at him, "Hey."
I’m not used to being crowded like this by him. It feels very different to a shared arm rest, to my tears on his chest. Now I can feel the whole length of his body pressing against mine, feel the heat radiating off him. Now I can really smell him.
He tops up the beer he has in his hand. "When did you get here?" he asks, half turning to face me as he drapes his arm across the back of the seat behind me.
My eyes flick up to his arm and then back to his face. Up close, I can see now that his eyes are a very dark blue. They are also very alive and very bright as they watch me. "Um, I don’t know, maybe a couple of minutes ago," I suggest. "They saw me walking past outside."
He’s still smiling. "Cool, I was just on the phone, but I’m glad they caught you. Do you remember everyone?"
I unconsciously lick my lips. My mouth feels very dry so I take a sip of beer. Luke watches me. I feel like all of them are watching me.
"Yeah, I remember them, sort of. I’m surprised they remembered me actually."
Luke laughs, a little red creeping onto his cheeks. "Yeah you know, the party, plus they’ve been in to work before, and I guess they all saw you at our show too."
I’m confused. I don’t remember ever seeing them in the shop and I’m still surprised I would even be that memorable for them. I’m about to ask Luke, when Jared interrupts us.
"We should get going soon boys, Ash you’re coming with us right?"
I turn to look at Jared and see he’s smiling at me like it’s obvious I’ll be going. Luke leans over and I feel his warm breath as he whispers in my ear, "We’re going to watch a band, some friends of ours. Come with us."
It’s a statement, not a question.
I feel my hand tighten around the cold glass in response to his words. I don’t know what’s going on here. Jared and the others are all looking at me and smiling. Luke has pulled his head back, but I can feel the heat of his arm behind me. Finally someone speaks as though to diffuse the situation.
"Yeah you should definitely come with us, hang out, it’ll be fun."
What to do. What should I do?
∞

On the last morning of our stay with my grandparents, as I made my way downstairs, I found both Seth and Grandad waiting for me. I must have stopped right in my tracks, because Seth just laughed when he saw me and said, "What, you think I’m gonna keep letting you have all the fun?"
I glanced over at Grandad who was standing by the door, his jacket still hanging on the hook. "But you’re coming too, right Grandad?"
"Up to you Ash, I’ll come if you want," he said. "Or do you just want to go with Seth today?"
I glanced over at Seth who simply shrugged as though he didn’t care what happened. I didn’t want to have to choose between them, but I didn’t want one of them to not come either, so I said the only thing I could say. "Both of you come."
We did a couple of runs down the hill together, Seth always beating me because he was fearless and would fly down without even thinking about how to stop at the bottom. Grandad kept helping me pull my sled back up the hill, but after a few runs I could see he was getting tired and now seemed to be having trouble breathing.
"Are you okay Grandad?" I asked.
He could only nod at me as he tried to catch his breath which was blowing out in irregular puffs of white frost in front of him.
"Maybe you should sit down for a minute Pop," Seth said, coming over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I’ll do this one with Smash."
Grandad nodded and we left him sitting at the top of the hill as once again, we flew down it. When we got back to the top, he seemed better. He was breathing more normally now and smiling as he saw us. "Alright kiddo, let’s go again."
"Are you sure you’re okay Grandad?" I asked.
"Never better," he answered smiling.
So the three of us set off once more down the hill, Seth as usual getting to the bottom first and then followed by me. When we both turned back to look for Grandad who was always the slowest, he waved at us. As we were waving back, we watched as his hand suddenly went to his chest and his head bent forward. I remember calling out, "Grandad," but not sure if it was even loud enough to reach him.
And then I remember Seth dropping his sled and running up the hill towards Grandad who had suddenly veered sideways as his sled turned over and Grandad fell off it.
I remember Seth turning back to me, a look of terror on his face as he yelled, "Run Ash, run, go and get Dad."
I remember standing there, frozen on the spot, watching Grandad as he lay on the cold snow clutching his chest. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright. He wasn’t moving at all and the only thought I had was how cold he must be, lying there on the snow.
"Run Ash. RUN!" Seth screamed at me.
And then I remember running. I remember running and running and the hard burn in my legs as I just kept telling myself to run. When I finally reached the backdoor, I ran inside screaming for Dad. He came rushing in from the living room.
"Asha, slow down, what’s wrong sweetie, what’s wrong?"
My breath was coming out in hard puffs, almost like Grandad’s had been before that last run. "It’s Grandad, something’s wrong!" I finally managed to get out. "Seth, he...Seth said to....to come and get you."
Dad took off out the back door, not even stopping to pull on his coat. I raced after him, desperate for everything to be alright. Dad turned back to me as we neared the bottom of the hill. "Go Ash, go and tell Grandma to call 911."
"But Daddy!"
"Go Ash, now!"
I ran back to the house, my legs near collapse as I raced inside to find Grandma.
Then I remember the lights and sirens. The ambulance as it pulled down their long drive and stopped in front of the house. The men in green uniforms, who emerged running to where Dad and Seth were still crouched over Grandad’s body. I remember seeing all of this from the living room window, Grandma standing behind me with her arms around my shoulders. Eventually, Grandad was lifted and taken to the ambulance and when I saw this, I pulled myself from Grandma’s arms and ran outside to see him. Seth grabbed me before I got to him though and the last thing I remember were words, spoken quietly to my Dad. Half caught phrases like exertion, heart attack, too much, over did it.
I remember Grandad coming with me every morning to go sledding when no one else would. How he would always pull my sled back up the hill every time, before racing back down with me, both of us laughing as we slid to a stop at the bottom. Grandad would never stop, just kept going up and down that hill until it was me who was exhausted and wanted to go inside.
But I remember him having to sit down and rest before that last run we all took down the hill together.
I remember choosing for him to come with me that morning, even though Seth was already up for once.
It wasn’t until later that I realised what any of this really meant, that I realised what’d happened that morning and what I’d really done to him.
∞

I go.
I try to tell myself it’s because I love live music, not because I don’t want to go home or that I might want to spend it with Luke. It’s the music, only the music and that’s why I’m going.
We finish our drinks and they all refuse my offer of cash before we head out into the night. Luke falls into step beside me, the other three somehow ending up in front of us. We don’t say anything for a while. I’m trying to think of something to say. I feel nervous with his friends around now. Nervous they might be watching us, that they’re waiting for something to happen.
"So this band," I start off with. "They’re friends of yours?"
Luke turns to me smiling. "Yeah, couple of guys Jared and I met years ago when we were first getting started. They’re pretty cool, different to us, but I think you’ll like them."
We continue in silence. Night has fallen now and it’s starting to get cooler, the warmth of the coming spring not quite extending to the evenings. I wrap my arms around myself. I wish I’d brought a jacket.
"Are you cold?" Luke asks me, half taking his jacket off as though he’s about to give it to me. I shake my head, despite the shiver than runs through me. I am cold, but it’s not just that. It’s something else, something that’s entirely unexpected. It’s the temptation of wearing his jacket, of wrapping myself in something of his, something that smells like him, is warm like him.
Almost as if it is him.
The words run through my head before I can stop them. It sends another shiver through me. Why am I even thinking this?
"You are cold," is all Luke says as he takes his jacket off and wraps it around me anyway. All at once I’m enveloped in warmth and that now familiar smell of him. I slide my arms into the sleeves and pull his jacket around me, wrapping myself in it, my arms tight around my torso to stop my body from revealing the truth. Somewhere inside of me something moves, and I have to force myself not to look at him to see if he’s noticed.
We finally arrive at a bar and when we approach the guy on the door, he smiles as though he knows them. Luke hands him some money and turns to me, "You’re all set."
I start to protest, but he just smiles at me and says, "Its okay, my shout Ash," gesturing for me to go inside.
We get stamped and we go in. It’s hot inside the club and I reluctantly take Luke’s jacket off. I’m walking behind Jared, Ben and Steve. Luke is walking behind me now. I can feel his hand lightly pressing on my lower back as though he’s guiding me, but also letting me know he’s still there. As we walk towards the bar, all I can feel is the heat of his fingers through my top and the strange feeling it’s now creating inside me. I wonder if I should’ve left his jacket on.
Suddenly his breath is in my ear again. "What would you like to drink?" he asks, his fingers still resting on my back.
I half turn. "No, this time it’s my shout Luke," I say. We’re face to face. Our mouths only inches apart. Close enough to kiss. I flinch back a little without meaning to.
He just looks at me and smiles. His eyes watch me intently as I wait for his answer and they look as though they’re glowing in the dim lights of the club. He seems so different tonight. "I’ll just have a beer, thanks," he eventually answers.
I nod and step towards the bar, tucking his jacket into my bag. I feel the absence of his fingers on my back immediately, but force myself to take a deep breath and order. I buy beers for all of us and then we find a spot amongst the crowd and wait. Luke is standing beside me. Again I can’t help but notice that he’s taller than me as he leans down to tell me about the band. I’m half listening to him and half distracted by his mouth at my ear, his breath as it moves across my skin. I can feel goose bumps across the back of my neck.
Everything seems different tonight.
When the band eventually comes on, the crowd surges forward. I feel Luke move and stand almost behind me. I can feel the heat and the touch of his body, gently pressing against mine as people crowd around us. I see Jared look over and smile at me. I think I see him wink at Luke.
I take a sip of my drink and turn back to face the band. Suddenly I want to hold the cold bottle against my skin. Cool everything down for a minute. It’s very hot in here and Luke’s body gently pressing against mine, is making me hotter. My skin feels like it’s on fire but I can’t bring myself to move away from him. I rest the beer bottle against the base of my throat, trying to cool down.
Luke is right, they are different, but I do like them. They’re much more hard rock than Infinity and their beat is almost deafening at times. After about twenty minutes though, a slower number comes on. When it starts, Luke leans down from behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder, his thumb lightly brushing against my neck as he puts his mouth to my ear and says, "This is one of my favourites." For just a second, his lips actually touch my skin and a thousand shivers run down my spine in response. At the same time, a guy walks over carrying more beers and hands one to Luke and one to me. Luke’s hand stays on my shoulder as he straightens up, takes his beer and then turns to me and says, "Ash, this is Pete, you met him at the party. Pete you remember Ash?"
Pete smiles at me and says, "Hey, nice to see you again."
I can’t remember him at all but I smile back, raise my drink at him and say, "Nice to see you too, thanks for the beer."
Pete smiles again, says something to Luke that I can’t hear and then gesturing with the remaining beers, walks over to where Jared, Ben and Steve are chatting to a couple of girls who have wandered past. I turn and watch them and see Steve’s face light up when he notices Pete walking over. I watch as Pete leans in and kisses him as he hands him a beer, before draping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. I watch as Steve smiles and almost imperceptibly tilts his body into Pete’s in response. I watch as both Jared and Ben say hi to Pete and take their beers before turning back to the girls. I smile and turn back, realising I’m standing alone with Luke again. I glance up at him and see he’s smiling too, watching them and watching me. He gently squeezes my shoulder then slowly takes his hand away, his fingers brushing the skin of my neck again as he does. My stomach clenches as I realise I wanted him to leave his hand there.
Everything is very different, but suddenly whatever it was about tonight that felt strange; doesn’t anymore. Suddenly, something feels very right, very normal and all so strangely natural in fact. To be here with his friends like this. Included with them on a night out, that just feels like a completely regular night. For me to be standing here, with Luke’s body gently pressing against mine in a room full of people who are completely unaware of this contact between us. For him to lean down and whisper words in my ear that no one else can hear. For me to be feeling this way about it all and no one else even notice it.
I close my eyes and listen. Hear the words and the music. Try to find out what it is about this song that Luke likes. The melody is haunting. The lyrics are incredibly moving. It’s a song about love and loss and recovery and it’s heart wrenching and full of emotion. It kind of makes me want to cry. When it finishes, and the next song starts, I open my eyes and find Luke watching me again.
Waiting.
I look right at him, press up on my toes and put my mouth to his ear. His hand moves now and rests lightly against the small of my back as though he’s holding me there, close to him.
"I like it," I finally say, my voice almost a whisper.
When I pull back, he’s looking right at me, his eyes watching mine as he nods his head a little, like he understands what I’ve just done. I feel like he can see right inside of me and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he sees when he looks at me like that.
I also wonder exactly what it is that’s going on between us right now, because everything really does feel different tonight.
∞

We ended up staying in Maine longer than usual this time. We had to because Grandad’s funeral wasn’t until the following weekend. I can remember Dad hugging me so tightly after they’d taken Grandad away, squeezing me and asking, "Are you alright Asha, are you alright?"
I pulled back to look at him, saw the tears falling down his face and all I could say was, "Are you okay Daddy?" as my fingers tried to brush them away.
He smiled sadly at me then and pulled me into another hug. Seth was standing close by, tears streaming down his face too and I remember thinking it was the first time I’d ever seen both my Dad and my brother crying. I wasn’t and I don’t know why my tears wouldn’t come. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but nothing would come out. Seth walked over and put his arms around us and I heard my Dad whisper, "I’m proud of you Seth, really proud of you, of both of you."
I had no idea how he could be proud of me, I’d done nothing but run. It was Seth who went to him, Seth who tried to help. All I’d done is run. All I’d done was ask Grandad to come in the first place, even when I didn’t have to.
At the funeral, Grandma stood with her arms around me the whole time, just like she had when we watched them take Grandad away. I don’t know why, but the one thing I remember, is her holding me tightly and me looking up and seeing the tears stream down her face too. I glanced over and saw tears on Dad’s face, tears on my brother’s face. Still there were no tears on mine. I desperately wanted to cry, wanted to prove that I was sad too. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me or that people would think I wasn’t sad that Grandad had died. But no matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t fall.
It wasn’t until the morning after the funeral, when I woke early again and bounded down the stairs and discovered Grandad’s jacket on the hook hanging next to mine, our boots lined up side by side at the door, both of our sleds propped up against the porch, but no Grandad. It wasn’t until I saw all of this and finally realised he wasn’t ever going to be up waiting for me again that I was finally able to let go and cry.
When I finally understood Grandad was never coming back, then the tears started to fall. And for a long time it seemed like they would never stop.
∞

A week after seeing his friend’s band, I’m at work when a woman, probably around my age, comes in to ask for Luke.
I have no idea who she is but she’s very pretty. Taller than me and really well dressed in designer jeans and a fitted white shirt. Without meaning to, I already dislike her. I go and get Luke. When he comes out, I watch as his face lights up when this woman yells, "Surprise!" to him. He immediately pulls her into his arms, picking her up as she wraps her arms around him too. I’m positively seething now, even though I have no excuse to be feeling this way and no idea why I do.
I’m still staring at them when Luke puts her down and turns to me, his arm draped across her shoulders. "Ash, meet my baby sister, Mia."
Oh. His sister. Right.
"Ha, baby sister, how about younger sister thank you." Mia responds playfully punching Luke in the stomach. He laughs and wraps his other arm around her, pulling her into another hug.
I feel strangely jealous now. I can’t help it. I don’t know if it’s because he and his sister are so close just like Seth and I once were, or because she’s allowed to touch him like that. Maybe it’s both, a stupid voice inside my head tells me.
"You are a baby sometimes Mia. Anyway, this is Ash." Luke says, gesturing to me smiling.
"Ah, Ash," Mia says cryptically, looking up at Luke before extending her hand to me. "Nice to finally meet you Ash."
"You too," I reply shaking her hand, confused at what she means by finally. "Are you visiting from somewhere?" I ask, trying to be nice.
"Yeah, Chicago, just for the weekend though."
"She’s finally coming to watch us play," Luke explains, rolling his eyes at his sister playfully.
"You’ve never seen them?" I ask her, genuinely surprised.
"Unfortunately no, not properly anyway," Mia responds, sticking her tongue out at Luke in response. "But tonight definitely. You’re coming right? You can keep me company while they’re on."
I glance at Luke but he doesn’t say anything, just looks at me now. I don’t know if I am. I’ve been to their shows before and it’s not that I don’t want to go, but as usual I wonder if I should. Both of them are watching me and I can see the resemblance now, they definitely look alike. They both wear identical faces; expectant, almost hopeful expressions. I notice she has the same blue eyes as him.
Finally Luke speaks, his voice sounding a little different to normal. "You’re always welcome to come along Ash; and I’d really like you to."
I take a deep breath. "Okay sure, I’ll come along." I smile, I can’t help it, and I do want to go. He wants me to go, even Mia wants me to go.
"Fantastic!" Mia says as she moves out of Luke’s arms and pulls me into a hug now. I don’t know why she does this, but I feel my own arms go cautiously around her. Okay, I don’t hate her anymore. I’m looking at Luke over her shoulder as we hug and he has a strange look on his face although he’s smiling at me. I wonder what he’s thinking as I look back at him and I’m about to ask, when he mouths thank you to me.
Now I really don’t know what to think.
∞

Sam’s sister never liked me. I don’t know why, maybe it was a protective older sister thing, maybe she never thought I was good enough for him, but from the minute we met, we never got along. Of course by the time he died, she truly hated me, and by then I couldn’t really blame her.
The rest of his family still lived in Seattle, Sam was the only one to have gone away to school and stayed away when he finished. He always told me, "I spent my whole life in Seattle Ash, by the time I got to school, I needed to stay away."
In some ways I could understand that, I’d never even left Providence until I met Sam. Of course when I did, I didn’t really go back, but I hadn’t exactly ventured far. Boston’s only an hour away by train, so in the grand scheme of things, it was hardly a big adventure. But I’m glad I did it, even if it did destroy so many parts of my life, me living in Boston. I understood what Sam meant when he said he needed to get away.
Sometimes I think I should do it again.
When Sam finished at BU and graduated, his whole family came over. I’d never met his parents before, nor his sister or brother. Sam was the youngest and I guess being the baby of the family, he was also the favourite. I remember how protective Seth always was of me, and I felt like I would understand how Ethan and Kate would be protective of Sam. They were, just not in the way I imagined.
When we met them at the airport the day before graduation I remember watching as Sam half-ran towards his family, all of them embracing at once. I remember feeling surprisingly left out as they all stood there chatting, hugging and kissing each other hello, none of them, Sam included, seemingly noticing I was even there.
But then he turned, smiling at me and said, "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Ash." Holding out his hand and gesturing for me to join them.
As I walked over I saw his Mom smile at me, his Dad smiled with raised eyebrows as though he was surprised Sam even had a girlfriend. Ethan just looked blankly at me, whereas Kate outright glared at me. Only Sam was genuinely smiling. Only Sam seemed happy to have me there.
"Nice to meet you all," I said nervously, walking straight towards Sam.
We all went out for dinner that night and to be fair, they did welcome me, they were all nice to me, all except for Kate. At one point during the meal when Sam put his arm around me, she actually scowled at me, as though it was my fault he’d done it and more to the point, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.
Later, when we were back at home I said to Sam, "I don’t think Kate likes me very much."
He smiled and said, "She’s just a protective older sister Ash, she likes you, don’t worry. She’s always like this at first."
"So she’s been like this with your other girlfriends?" I asked, not explaining exactly what this was.
"All of them," he smiled. "Every time."
"How many have you had?" I asked.
Sam laughed now. "Yeah there have been a few."
"And she’s like this with all of them?"
Sam hugged me as he said, "She is babe, I promise. Don’t worry she’ll grow on you."
The only problem is, she never did.
The next day at his graduation she didn’t speak to me at all, except to tell me in a hushed whisper when the rest of his family was busy posing for pictures with Sam, that she didn’t think I was good enough for Sam and, "I’d soon see what she meant."
As I looked at her, I wondered exactly what it was that she didn’t like about me. I had no idea, so I just said to her, "Soon see what?"
"Eventually he’ll get sick of you," she hissed back at me, "And move back to Seattle, without you."
That was the last thing she said to me, for the rest of her trip, and in the end she was right. About part of it anyway.
∞

We’re at the club now, waiting for them to come on. They’re still setting up when Mia returns with beers for both of us.
"How come you’ve never seen them play?" I ask her.
She laughs in response. "Back when I used to visit more, they pretty much sucked. I don’t think they could get many shows. I guess now they’ve changed," she says shrugging.
I smile as I take a sip of my beer. "I don’t know what they were like before, but I can say that they are amazing now."
Mia turns to me. "My brother thinks you are amazing Ash," she says simply, her blue eyes looking straight at me, exactly like Luke does.
I nearly choke on my beer. "What?"
"My brother thinks you’re amazing," she says again, shrugging as if it’s no big deal. "He’s crazy about you, anyone can see that."
I’m standing there just staring at her. I don’t know what to say. "What?" is all I can manage again.
She just smiles at me and then Infinity comes on and starts to play and I can’t ask anything more.
I watch Mia as she starts to see exactly what her brother can do now. She’s wearing a look of complete pride, like she’s known it all along and now she’s just finally seeing the proof. I can’t resist leaning over between songs and asking her, "What do you think?"
She turns to me and smiles. It looks like there are tears in her eyes. "You were right," she says back to me. "They really are amazing."
We both watch them play, me enjoying their show again and Mia enjoying it for the very first time. It’s hard to know which one of us enjoys it the most, but at one point when Luke starts playing a cover of a song which he dedicates to Mia, smiling at her as we stand at the back of the room, Mia grips my arm as the crowd around us goes wild, and I somehow know exactly what she’s thinking.
When they come off stage, Mia launches herself at Luke telling him over and over again how fantastic they are now. I can’t help but smile as I watch them. She eventually lets him go, hugging the rest of the guys in turn and Luke comes over to me.
"Thank you Ash, you know, for hanging out with Mia, for looking after her tonight," he says.
I look up at him and smile. "It was no drama Luke honestly. Mia’s really, really nice." And she is. She’s just like him.
He clinks his beer bottle to mine and leans down to whisper, "Well in any case, I owe you one Asha."
A shiver runs through me as I think really, it’s probably me that owes him. A lot.
When he pulls back, I can’t stop myself from staring at him. He looks back at me in a way that’s similar to how he was looking at me when we watched his friend’s band play last weekend, and I get the sudden feeling he wants to say something to me. I wonder what it is, but before he gets a chance, he’s distracted by Ben who grabs his arm for something. I watch as Luke turns away, resisting the urge to reach out and stop him, ask him what he was going to say to me. And then, Mia is by my side and this time she leans over to speak quietly to me, like she doesn’t want the others to hear. "See, crazy about you."
I turn to her suddenly. "What are you talking about Mia?" I whisper fiercely.
"He can’t take his eyes off you Ash. You’re all he sees," she says. "He’s just waiting for you to see him," Mia continues, sliding her arm around my waist as though we’ve known each other for ages.
"How do you know all this stuff?" I ask her, frustrated.
She smiles at me, pulling me tighter against her and whispering, "Everyone can see it Ash, everyone but you."
I’m suddenly flooded with a thousand different sensations all at once; lightheaded, hot, dizzy, scared.
"He’s worth it you know," she continues, as if to reassure me. "Don’t be scared by him, by how he feels about you."
It feels like the room is slowly spinning now. I take a sip of my beer, relishing the cold liquid as it moves down my throat and sneak a glance at Luke. He’s still talking to Ben and isn’t looking at me. I wonder if he knows what Mia’s telling me, if he knows what she’s just told me. I wonder what he would think if he knew she had told me. I wonder what it was he was about to say to me before, whether he’ll try to tell me later. I’m still staring at him when he suddenly looks up. His dark blue eyes meet mine for the briefest of moments, but this time I see it.
This thing with Luke.
Mia’s right. He does feel something. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it earlier. I don’t know if I would’ve done something different if I had.
I don’t know what to think or feel about any of it, except scared. But strangely enough, it’s not him I’m scared of anymore, it’s me.