I Love You to Death

The eleventh hour, when time is running out
∞

Playlist:
1. Done all wrong – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
2. Wait – M83
3. Everything will be alright – The Killers
∞

I know all good things must come to an end. It’s inevitable and it’s always been that way with me. One way or another, all the good things I find, all the good things I try to hang on to, they end. I wish I could say I can look back on all of it and remember the happiness, smile at the memories. But when it ends badly, as it always has, the only thing I remember is the sadness, the hurt, the loss and above all, the guilt over my part in it. All I can do is wonder if maybe I should’ve done something differently, or maybe not done something at all. Can good things really last forever or is it all just destined to end?
I know because of this, I’ve lived my life in a constant state of fear. That time is running out, that anything good is going to be taken away from me. Unfortunately this fear has always been proven and even though I can’t stand the hurt, the pain and the loss, somehow I find myself doing it again.
Hoping this time, it will all be different. Hoping this time, I will finally be proven wrong. Knowing deep down however, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it anyway.
∞

Summer is over now. The leaves have all turned a brilliant orange and red. Even though I know the cold and snow is coming, I can’t help but be happy. The world looks beautiful to me now and I know it’s because of how I’m feeling. I am completely crazy about Luke. I am head over heels in love with him. I love every second I spend with him and crave him every second he’s away from me. I still can’t get enough of him.
I never expected to feel like this again.
At work Sarah smiles at me and says, "Took you long enough." I think she’s being nice to me and I can’t help but smile back at her, blushing at the same time.
She laughs but it’s kind and says, "It’s nice to see you happy again Ash."
I stop and look at her. She’s being so nice to me, acting like my friend. "Thank you," I say quietly back to her.
She steps closer to me now. "So….ah, now you’re in with the band, how about you put in a good word for me with the blonde one?"
"Ben?" I ask surprised.
Now it’s Sarah’s turn to blush.
I laugh finally. "Yeah of course," I say, knowing exactly how she feels. "You should come with me when they play next time, I’ll introduce you."
She smiles at me as she responds, "Thanks Ash, that would be great."
I can’t help but wonder if all this, everything that’s going on now; Luke, the guys in the band, Mia and now Sarah, is this what real life is supposed to feel like? Is this how normal people live? It’s been so long since I’ve really experienced it, I can barely remember what normal feels like anymore. Maybe I’ve never felt it, but if this is normal, then I really like it and I want more of it.
I head back to the kitchen to see Luke. As I walk in there, he looks up from the stove and smiles at me and my heart just melts. He stops whatever he’s doing and walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. "Hey beautiful," he whispers in my ear and I feel like all of me is melting now.
I wrap my arms around him and we stand there, my head on his chest, his face buried in my neck. I can feel him kissing my skin and I can’t resist sliding my hands under his jacket, tickling him. He laughs and lets go of me, enough that I can pretend to escape. But he comes after me, grabbing me again and pulling me gently against him. My head falls onto his shoulder as he nuzzles my neck again, words of payback when we get home whispered in my ear, his hands touching me with promises of things to come. I’m laughing as I push him away, poking him in the stomach before I go back out to the shop. When I reach the door, I turn and see he’s watching me, a look on his face that I’ve never seen before. I’m about to ask him what is it, when he just smiles at me and heads back into the kitchen.
And seconds later, I hear my world completely shatter and fall apart.
There’s a loud explosion from the kitchen.
I hear Luke swear.
I see smoke start to fill the room, it’s everywhere.
I can’t stop the scream that escapes my mouth.
I know what this means I think, as my legs collapse and I sink to the floor.
Why does it have to happen again? Why does it have to keep happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this?
∞

When they finally took Sam away from me, I was completely numb. Frozen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t undo any of what had happened.
I remember them asking me so many questions, the police, the paramedics, people I’d never seen before. Questions I couldn’t answer. What happened? How long had he been like this? Is there someone we can call? Do you have any family?
I wanted to scream at them all to shut up. I wanted to scream at them that I had no f*cking idea what had happened and why this kept happening to me. I wanted to scream and never stop, but nothing would come out, no words, no sound, nothing.
I remember my whole body shaking uncontrollably. My arms were wrapped tightly around me, like a vice, as I fought my own body and tried desperately to hold myself together, knowing anyway that I was about to completely fall apart. Someone put a blanket around me, forcing me to sit down. A burning cup of coffee was placed in my hands. I barely noticed it and it slowly went cold as I held it. I imagined Sam had done that lying in my arms too.
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t do anything.
I could barely even breathe.
Sam was gone. He was gone forever, the only person I had left in the entire world and now he was gone. I had no idea what was I going to do. Had no idea how I was ever going to be able to survive this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, didn’t want to face the thought of going on alone. No friends, no family, no love.
I just wanted to be dead. I deserved to be dead now.
Eventually everyone left. Eventually they took Sam away from me. When they’d gone and I was truly all alone, I thought I’d try and drink it all away; the vision, the memory of what had happened, even myself. I just wanted it all to go away. But no matter how drunk I got, the nightmare forced its way in, dragging me from my stupor. And even though I’d passed out, the nightmare still let me relive the horrible memory over and over again.
∞

I can hear people talking and yelling everywhere, but I can’t move. I’m on the floor behind the counter, my head is in my hands and I’m crying. I can’t bear to face this. I can’t possibly look up and see what’s happening. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want him to be gone.
Paramedics are coming in to the shop now. The fire alarm is going off. Noises are everywhere.
Sarah comes over to me, pulls me up, and gently tells me, "Ash you should go to him."
I am so afraid.
"Ash, go to him," Sarah says more forcefully now, pushing me into the kitchen.
"Ash?" I hear Luke call out. "Ash, come here, come here."
For a second my heart stops. If he’s talking, he is alive. If he can talk to me, he must be alive.
"Ash, please…." Luke pleads.
I don’t want to go. I’ve already made it so bad. But I can’t help it, I have to and I feel my feet walking over to him.
"I’m sorry," I say, tears streaming down my face as I catch a glimpse of him.
Luke is burnt and I caused it. I am doing this to him. It’s happening all over again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
"Asha," he whispers, reaching his hand out to me. "Come here, please." He’s sitting on a stool in the kitchen and he slides his arm around my waist and pulls me to him as the paramedics start to work on his burns. His left arm is stretched out on the counter. I tuck my face into his neck because I don’t want to see what I’ve done to him. I’m still crying.
I am so afraid.
Luke is gently kissing my face as he holds me tight against him. He’s whispering words of comfort and reassurance in my ear, stroking my back and kissing away my tears. I’ve done this to him and he’s in so much pain right now, but it’s Luke who’s comforting me. I want so badly to make him be okay, to make all of this be okay.
The paramedics make him go to the hospital and Luke makes me come with him. We go in the ambulance and Luke doesn’t let go of me. They take him straight into the emergency department and still, he doesn’t let go of my hand. I’m still crying I think, but I follow him anyway.
The doctors come in and treat him. They try to get me to leave, but Luke doesn’t let them. His left arm is burnt, although the doctor tells us it isn’t too bad. A large bandage is wrapped around his left arm, from his wrist to his elbow. They say he’s lucky. It shouldn’t be permanently scarred or damaged and it will completely heal. He is very lucky. He never lets go of my hand.
Eventually all the doctors and nurses leave. They draw the curtains around his bed and they leave us alone. As soon as they’ve gone, Luke pulls me onto the bed with him, wrapping his arms around me.
"Asha," he whispers to me. "It’s okay, I’m okay." He runs his hand through my hair. I can’t stop the tears. "Ash," he says, more force in his voice now. "What’s going on, talk to me, please."
I pull back and look at him and once again his thumb brushes away my tears, his hands cradling my face. "This is all my fault," I say.
"What? No Asha, no. This is not your fault, it was just an accident, a hazard of the job remember?" he says, reminding me of that time with the knife as he pulls me to him, holding me in a tight embrace. "It was just an accident Ash," he whispers. "I’ll be okay, I’m okay beautiful."
I push back from him. "Luke I’m so sorry I did this to you, I am so sorry." I pull myself from his arms and as I force myself to step backwards from the bed, my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest. "You are better off without me, you are safer without me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry," I cry as the tears just keep falling and I tear myself away from him.
I turn and run from the room, hearing Luke call out my name. I hear something crash and I hear Luke swear, but I keep running. I am destroyed. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him to die either. I need to protect him. I need to leave him.
I run.
I run forever.
I run until I’m back at my apartment. Then I run inside and collapse on the floor, unable to do anything else anymore. My breath escapes in hard painful bursts, broken by sobs and there’s an ache in my chest that feels deep and permanent. My apartment is freezing. I haven’t been here in so long, that the heat hasn’t been turned on for winter. I realise now that I’ve spent so long with Luke, in his house, in his arms, in his bed. That’s why it’s so cold in here, because I haven’t stayed here once since the very first night I spent with him. I haven’t wanted to come back here and I haven’t been able to leave him.
I feel the ache in my chest deepen, as my heart starts to break apart. I feel it as it shatters into a thousand tiny pieces in my chest. A thousand tiny pieces I know, I will never be able to put back together again.
Already I miss him.
But I should’ve known it couldn’t last. I should’ve known that everything would eventually catch up with me. That time was always going to run out and I would have to face it all over again. Losing Luke, my heart breaking, and being forced to go on without him.
I should’ve known it could never last.
∞

Part of the reason Sam’s death destroyed me so much, is I never had a chance to say goodbye to him. He was the person I was closest to, he was my whole life, the only person I had left, the only person who knew everything about me, and I never got the chance to say goodbye to him.
I never got to say I love you one last time, never got to kiss him goodbye knowing it would be the last kiss we ever shared. I never got to say sorry for all of the things I’d done to him, for all of the pain I’d caused. Never got to thank him for everything he’d given me.
Now though, I realise that saying goodbye, having the chance to say goodbye to the one you love, is worse. Because knowing they’re still out there and you’ve made the choice to walk away from them. Knowing that if you wanted to, you could actually turn around, go back and be with them. That makes goodbye so much worse.
Death by comparison, is so final, so definitive. The End. There’s never any going back.
When I lost Sam it was in an instant. One day I had him and the next day, I didn’t. I didn’t know it was going to happen then and despite everything I knew, I was never really prepared for it.
He’d always said to me, "But I’m still here babe."
I don’t know if deep down, those words were somehow finding their way inside of me, if maybe I was starting to believe them. But when it finally happened, when Sam died, then it was just…over. That was a part of my life that I’d destroyed. That was a part of my life that was now finished. It literally killed me when it happened, but it still just happened. I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t undo it. There was no going back.
This time though, I said goodbye. I actually had the chance to say goodbye, knowing I was walking away from everything I wanted to keep, and all I could hear in return was Luke calling out my name, begging me to come back. And when I actually had the chance to say my goodbye, all I could feel was my heart breaking at what I was giving up, at what I couldn’t have. This time when I said goodbye, all I could think was, he is still alive, but you are walking away from him.
Saying goodbye is so much worse.
∞

I’m lying on the floor in my cold apartment. My whole body feels frozen now and I can’t move because I just don’t care anymore.
Someone’s knocking at the door. It’s late, after eleven. It has to be him, Luke.
My broken heart is pounding, telling me to open the door. My head is screaming at me to protect him, to stay away from him. I want to listen to both. He’s still knocking, louder now. He knows I’m in here.
"Ash!" I hear him say. "Please Ash, please let me in."
I want to.
"Asha, please," his voice is begging, pleading, breaking as it reaches out to me.
I lie on the floor, silent on the other side of the door, desperately wanting to open it but unable to.
Luke keeps pounding. "Ash!" he says firmly. "I’m not leaving here, I’m not leaving until you talk to me, tell me what’s going on here."
He’s very stubborn when he wants to be. He fights for what he wants.
I wish I had the courage to do that.
There’s only silence now, the knocking has stopped and I wonder if he’s given up. I don’t want him to give up.
I don’t want to give him up.
I’m trying to work up the courage to open the door, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to open it, that he will be there. That I can just open the door and pull Luke inside. That it’s okay for me to do that, it’s okay for me to want him.
I want to move, but I can’t.
Minutes pass by.
I try and listen for his breathing but the only sounds I hear are my own hard, painful breaths as they force themselves from my lungs. My chest still aches.
The silence seems endless and it’s torturing me as I imagine him gone now. Luke gone, no longer caring and no longer fighting. Has he walked away now, has he said his goodbye?
The air feels impossibly still as I hold my breath, willing myself to hear him. Willing him to say something more; to ask me to open the door again, just one more time. Please Luke, please don’t give up on me.
His pleading voice finally breaks the silence, "Asha, please. Please talk to me."
And this time it cracks something inside of me. He hasn’t given up, and now I give in.
I uncurl my body, crawl to the door, stand and unlock it. He’s there on the other side and he looks wrecked, completely wrecked. I say nothing as he pulls me to him. Say nothing as he wraps his arms tightly around me. He pushes me back inside, never letting go of me as he kicks the door shut with his foot. He walks me to the couch, sits us down and pulls me into his lap. I’m so weak, I let him do all of it. Let him wrap me completely in his arms. Let him stroke my hair back from my face, brush the tears from my cheeks. Let him kiss me everywhere with his lips.
I can’t let go of him. I can’t let him go.
"Ash beautiful, please talk to me. Please," he begs. "What’s this all about?"
I want to tell him.
I want him to help me.
I want him to make this all stop.
I just want him.
He presses his lips to my ear, whispering, "Please Ash, I promise you can tell me anything, anything at all. Let me help you, please just let me make this all okay." Luke’s voice is pleading with me and I can hear the ache in his words, can feel the ache inside of me.
I want to tell him everything.
"Please Asha." His voice is barely a whisper.
So I do. I take a deep breath and tell him all of it. I tell him about every single death, about all of the death that was my fault. I tell him about my mother, Grace, my Grandad, Adam, Selena, Nate, Angela, my Grandma, Dad, Seth, Lara and Sam.
All of them. I tell him how I killed all of them. How I thought I’d killed him. How his accidents; the knife, Liam, the burn, have all been because of me. How I’m afraid every time something happens to him, it will be the last time, and I will lose him. He asks me about each of them, what happened and I tell him everything. He asks me about Sam. I tell him.
∞

Sam’s funeral very nearly killed me. It was back in Seattle, I didn’t have a choice in that. Despite five years together, Sam’s parents decided everything. I wanted to be a part of it, I was so alone and I wanted them to let me be a part of it. But it destroyed me, him dying and I couldn’t do anything. I could barely speak, even to them.
His parents tried to offer some kind of comfort, but they were in shock themselves. His brother was like me, numb and couldn’t speak to anyone. And his sister blamed me. Kate blamed me for what had happened to Sam, and I knew she was right. Knew she was right about me from the very start. That I was never good enough for Sam, that I would never make him happy and that eventually he would leave me and come back to Seattle. She was right, because in the end he did end up back there without me, and it was all because of what I’d done.
I tried to tell her I agreed with her, that she was right about me and that I was so very sorry for everything. But all she did was slap my face and storm off. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.
I didn’t even go to the wake afterwards, couldn’t bear it. I took Sam home, gave him to them and then I just left him. I killed him and took him back there and then abandoned him straight after the funeral. I just left.
I haven’t heard from his family since. Not once, but then I haven’t contacted them either. A part of me feels bad for that because I know it would piss Sam off. He would have wanted them to try more with me, for me to try more with them. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t look them in the eye, knowing everything I’d done. And I guess they felt the same way.
If only they knew how much I blamed myself. If only they knew how much his death destroyed me too. If only they knew what kind of life it forced me to live. If only they knew what I’d done, what I’d lost.
I almost hated them for not being able to see the truth about me.
∞

Luke says nothing as I tell him all of this. Says nothing, just holds me in his arms, stroking my hair like he’s done so many times before. When I finish, I’m exhausted. My tears have dried up now, there’s nothing more inside of me, but Luke has never let go of me. It’s still freezing in my apartment and I reach for a throw rug to pull around us.
"Ash," he finally says. "You know this is not your fault, you know they were all just accidents right? You didn’t do this to anyone, you aren’t the cause of all this."
I shake my head. "No," I finally get out. "It’s me, knowing me gets people killed. I get all the people I love killed."
Luke smooths my hair back from my face and I feel his lips brush lightly over my forehead. "Deep down Asha, I know you can’t believe you’re the reason for all of this. They’re just unfortunate accidents that have happened. You aren’t to blame for this, for any of it," he says softly.
I look up at him, I want to believe him. I want so badly to believe that none of this is my fault. But I can’t, because it’s been happening for so long now and it’s always connected back to me.
"This is not something you are doing Asha," he continues, his voice gentle. "This is not something you are choosing to do to people. That’s not how it all works."
"I want to believe you Luke, I really do. You have no idea how much I wish I wasn’t doing this. That knowing me didn’t mean you ended up dead. But I can’t, I just can’t," I say, frustration building in me. "And I can’t let anything happen to you, I just couldn’t live with myself if it did. I can’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you," I whisper, seeing all of my sadness reflected in his face. "I really wish I could stop all of this from happening, but I can’t and because of that you and I….we…we…it’s…"
I can’t finish what I know I need to say.
Luke lets out a deep breath. He kisses me gently and I let him. I really need to let him go, but it’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, because he pulls me even tighter against him, his arms wrapping around me as he holds me in his lap.
"Ash, the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore…." His voice is very quiet now.
I close my eyes briefly, wondering what he hasn’t told me, what he could possibly say to make any of this better. He moves his fingers through my hair, gently down the side of my face, before continuing.
"When I was a kid, I had a really shitty childhood, I mean really shit. My parents were really strict, very controlling, my Dad especially. But he wasn’t a nice guy. He was not a nice guy at all."
Luke takes a deep breath before he goes on. "I was a smart kid, a genius everybody called me. And my parents, my Dad, he used that against me. He pushed it, pushed me. Forced me to study and study, all the time. Took me from my regular school and sent me somewhere else. With kids who were supposedly just like me. To study all these highly advanced math programs that I had absolutely no interest in studying. I just wanted to go back to my old school, to my old friends. But they wouldn’t let me. They told me I was staying, that this was where I belonged now." He takes another deep breath, kissing the top of my head. "But I never wanted to be there. I never wanted any of it and I never got to have a normal childhood. Never got to do the things I wanted to do. All I ever wanted was learn to play guitar and hang out with my friends, play video games and watch TV, just like a normal kid. I just wanted to be normal."
He stops again, running his hand over his face and his head.
"I remember being so excited when I was about sixteen. I won this stupid big math thing that I’d never wanted to be in anyway, and my parents were finally relenting and buying me a guitar. I’d been begging them for ages and they finally caved. I don’t know why, but when they gave it to me, it was a violin and a book of classical music. Said if I was going to insist on playing an instrument, then I was going to learn proper music. I was so pissed off. I mean what sixteen year old kid wants to learn the f*cking violin. I couldn’t understand why my parents never listened to me. Never heard what I wanted. I wanted a guitar and they’d promised me that, but then they ignored me and bought me a f*cking violin."
He’s not smiling now and I can see the frustration and anger he still feels.
"Then by the time I was eighteen, they’d made the decision about where I was going to college and what I was going to study. They never once asked me what I wanted. Not once. They just sent off the application, paid whatever fee was due and that was it, decision made and they’d never asked me a damn thing."
I watch as Luke closes his eyes. The lingering frustration is all over his face and I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever told anyone else this story.
"Eventually I lost it. I just couldn’t stand it and completely flipped out, had enough. I didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I didn’t want my parents telling me what I was thinking or what I wanted. Knew they had no right to tell me how I should be living my own life. I was sick of never being allowed to make my own decisions about anything. Sick of never being allowed to just be me, the person I wanted to be. So after a year, I dropped out of school and I left LA. I just left and ran, eventually wound up in Boston. Not long after I learnt to cook. I shaved off my hair and I got the tattoos. And I started playing my music, finally learning the guitar and playing the music I’d always wanted to play. Along the way, I met Jared and eventually, we started thinking about forming the band."
He stops for a minute. He’s absently stroking my hair and I want to tell him he can keep going, that I’m listening to him. I run my fingers along his arm, but he’s staring across the room, his eyes not focused on anything and I’m not sure he notices.
"My Dad was so pissed when he found out," he continues quietly. "He tracked me down and came all the way to Boston. Came all the way out here to yell and threaten me. Threatened me with everything; money, my inheritance, disownment. He didn’t realise the only thing I’d ever wanted was choice, freedom, to be able to make my own decisions. But no amount of yelling at him got that message through and he couldn’t change my mind either. In the end, he figured knocking some sense in to me was the only other option."
"What?" I ask, shocked.
He looks down at me and smiles sadly. "Yeah, nothing like a punch in the face from your old man to finally get your brain in gear."
"Oh shit Luke, I’m so sorry," I whisper. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family out there somewhere. A family who would do something like that. I wonder if they’ve ever even heard Luke play, if they even realise how fantastic he is.
He looks down at me, gently tucks my hair behind my ear as he says, "It’s okay Ash, it was a long time ago now. And yeah, at first it was rebellion on my part, the whole school and tattoos thing, shaving my hair off even. I mean I wanted to change everything about me; who I was, how I looked. I didn’t want to be his son anymore, didn’t want to be the person he’d created, didn’t want to see that person looking back at me in the mirror every day. I just didn’t want to be me anymore, you know?"
Yeah, I really do.
"I mean I was pissed they’d never listen to me, just listen to what I wanted. But when he did that, when he thought hitting me would prove how much he supposedly loved me or that he knew what was best for me, well, that’s when I knew he’d already given up on me. That’s when I knew changing things, walking away from him, was the only way."
I’m looking at him as he tells me this. He doesn’t seem sad at all and I don’t understand why. "Have you tried talking to him again? I mean don’t you want to have a family?"
He smiles at me now, properly this time. "I do have a family Ash. I have the guys in the band, I have Mia, and I have you," he says seriously, his blue eyes holding mine. "I won’t lie, it took me a while. For a really long time, I was so angry with him and everything he’d done. But in the end what I realised about everything I did and everything he’d done, was that I was finally making the choices I’d always wanted to make. Now, I was standing up and fighting for the things I’d always wanted to have and do, but had been too afraid to try. Finally I was living exactly how I’d always wanted to and realising this, well it let me change, let me become the person I wanted to be. Finally I became me."
He pulls me closer as he continues, "And the same goes for you Ash."
I feel my broken heart stutter as his lips brush against my cheek.
"I’ve wanted to be with you since the first minute I saw you. The very second you walked back into that shop and I felt my heart stop when I looked at you. I knew right then, I would do absolutely anything for you. Nothing about that has changed for me," he says, his words soft and so very sincere.
I’m silent, watching him speak, unable to tear my eyes away from him now. My heart is pounding in response to the words he’s just said, at the possibility of what he might really be saying.
He stops, takes a deep breath and continues, "And what I’m trying to say Ash, what I learnt and what I know deep down, you understand better than anyone, is that life is too short to live without the things you want, to not fight for the things you love."
Now my heart stops.
I don’t know what to say or if I can even speak right now. I feel overwhelmed at everything he’s just told me. At trying to picture him growing up in a family like that; at seeing a man I’ve never met, hit Luke because he’s so ashamed of him; at Luke walking away from it all and making the decision to change. But most of all, at the idea that Luke still wants to be with me, despite everything he now knows about me. I feel my heart stop at the surreal possibility of it all, at the idea that Luke isn’t afraid of me or what I might do to him. That he could possibly want to do this.
With me.
"Why?" Is the only thing I can think to ask.
"Why what?"
"Why me Luke?"
He lets out a soft sigh, burying his face in my neck. I feel his lips against my skin as he says, "I can’t explain it Ash. I look at you and I just can’t look away. I look at you and even though I see all of the sadness and pain you carry, what I really see is a beautiful soul buried beneath it all. A beautiful soul, who desperately wants to be happy. Who I want to make happy, more than anything else in the world." I feel his soft kiss on my neck and hear him whisper, "I see what I once saw every time I looked in the mirror Asha. Someone who feels trapped, lonely, alone and….I, I can’t explain it, I just want to fix that for you."
My body shivers in response to the slow breath he takes against my skin before he continues, "I just want to take all of that away for you Ash, make it all disappear. I thought it was working, it seemed to be before today happened. I thought you were happy, I thought I was making you happy, that you were happy Asha."
Luke pulls back and smiles sadly at me again and I understand what he’s saying. It was working, but then today happened and everything changed. I thought it was over, I thought the worst had happened to him and I was lost again. Then when he survived, I thought for sure he would walk away, that we would be over, we had to be. But now he’s saying this to me and he wants to stay and he wants me to be happy again and he wants me and I just don’t know what to think.
He’s right about one thing though, I was happy, really happy and I really want to tell him why, but he keeps talking.
"I just want to make you smile again Ash and more than anything, I really just want to be with you." He stops and takes another deep breath before he continues, "Asha, I can’t not be with you, I really can’t. Haven’t you ever felt like that? That you needed someone, wanted them more than anything?"
I hear the pleading in his voice still and feel my heart catch in my throat at the things he’s saying to me. I can barely breathe now. Yes of course I know what he means. It’s exactly how I feel about him. He buries his face in my neck again, pressing light kisses on the skin below my ear. He’s working very hard to convince me and I’m liking it.
"The fact that on top of all that, you are just so damn beautiful, is really the icing on the cake Ash," he whispers, gently grazing my skin with his teeth.
Now my head is spinning. Now, I’m really liking it.
I’m so confused though and I don’t know what to do. I want to protect him, but I want so badly to be with him. I’ve never met anyone like him, never met anyone who lives as they want to, unafraid and so sure of what they want, so willing to fight for it. Luke says he wants me. I know he sees exactly who I am, what I’ve done, the real me. But most of all, I know I really want him.
But still I can’t.
I pull back and put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "But I’m so afraid you will die because of me," I say quietly.
He closes his eyes, his beautiful face showing only fierce determination. He opens them, pulling back to look at me. "Asha, when you ran away from me tonight, that felt like dying to me."
I can’t take my eyes off him. I look right at him and I see the sadness and the hope and the want in his eyes and I want to unburden myself.
"I do want to be happy Luke, and you are right, I was happy, so very happy. And it was you, it was you who made me that way," I eventually say, watching his face as he listens to me. "But I don’t know how to do that again, how to make all of this, okay. How do I do that without hurting you? What am I supposed to do Luke, what do you want me to do?" I beg, choking the words out and wishing he had the answers.
He looks at me like his heart is breaking. His hands are holding my face, forcing me to look at him now as he says, "Ash, I want you to believe me. I want you to be happy and do all of the things that you want to do. But most of all, I just want you to let me love you."
And before I can say anything more, he kisses me and I give in. My broken heart starts beating again and that scared part of me disappears. I cannot stop this now, because I no longer want to.
I want to believe him. I want to be happy again. I want Luke and I want him to love me. I want to be able to love him. I want to be given that choice.