I Love You to Death

Triskaidekaphobia, a condition characterised by a fear of the number thirteen
∞

Playlist:
1. How to save a life – The Fray
2. Saviour – 30 Seconds to Mars
3. Timshel – Mumford & Sons
∞

Despite everything I’ve lived through, it’s ironic that the one thing I’m scared of in life is death. Of course I’ve always been petrified of the death I’ve created, the death I’ve caused, but deep down the one I’m most afraid of, is my own. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t done enough, seen enough. I haven’t had enough chances. But most of all, I haven’t been able to fix all of my mistakes. When you live with as much fear and regret as I do, it’s terrifying to think of how it might all end, what my punishment might be. I don’t believe in any kind of God, how could I, but I am scared at what awaits me, at the thought I may have to face them all again.
That I might actually have to explain myself to them.
Over the years I’ve looked back at everything I’ve done and wondered why this had to happen to me, what had I ever done to deserve it? How being an unforseen complication could have resulted in all of this? When I finally worked out what I was doing to people, I tried to protect them, tried so very hard to walk away. But a person can’t live without human contact, without attachment, without love.
I’d given up on all of that when Luke walked into my life. I didn’t ever believe I would find it again and I didn’t ever believe it wouldn’t be taken away from me if I did. I was so afraid to risk it again, to risk my own heart and whoever it was who got close to me.
Luke changed that though, he changed me. He undid all of the things I’d done to myself. He made it okay to think I deserved more.
He made me laugh again, made me feel alive again, he made me happy again.
He made me love him.
And he loved me in return.
I don’t want to lose that, lose him. I want to hang on to him so badly.
I am so afraid, but Luke also gave me the courage to make a choice, and to fight for that choice.
So even though it scares me more than anything, I know it’s the only choice I have to make. It’s the only choice that matters.
∞

I hear myself yell, "NO!"
I feel myself move in front of Luke, standing between him and the gun now.
I hear myself cry, "No please, not again, please not this time."
I feel Luke’s hand tighten around mine, trying to pull me back.
I hear a loud BANG.
I feel shooting pain jolt through my body.
I hear Luke scream out my name.
I feel my legs give way and my body fall to the ground.
I hear swearing and screaming.
I feel strong arms catch me, holding me tight.
I hear footsteps running and Luke saying my name over and over again.
I feel his soft kisses on my face.
I hear his whispered I love you in my ear.
I feel cold.
I hear sirens.
Then I feel nothing.
Then I hear nothing.
∞

If it had to happen, then it should happen to me. I should be the one to die, the one to go. It should’ve always been me, always. I couldn’t let Luke go, but I could protect him from this, protect him from me.
It all made sense now, what I had to do. I don’t know why I never thought of this earlier. I don’t know if I ever could’ve protected the others, stopped what happened to them, because it was never like this. But I can protect Luke now. He will be okay. Once I am gone, eventually he will be okay. I will miss him like crazy, but this is the only way. I have to protect him, I have to fight.
I’m scared though, I’m really f*cking terrified.
But I love him. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
His song lyrics are swirling in my head, some of my favourites. Words he wrote just for me, words he’d sung to me tonight. Words that tell me everything, everything that he feels for me; feelings I wish I could put into words for him.
I don’t want to leave, I really don’t, but I have to.
I love him.
This is for the best. This is the only way to protect him.
I love him.
I am afraid, but I know what I have to do now.
I love him.
∞

Somehow I’m moving and everything around me feels like it’s rocking. A finger suddenly pulls my eye open and there are harsh, bright lights above me. I want to close it again, to block the light out. I feel a sharp jab in my hand and then a slow coldness running up my arm. Something is pressing hard on my stomach and it hurts so badly. The rest of my body feels numb, cold. I’m shivering and I can’t make it stop. I want to wrap my arms around myself and make it stop, but nothing moves. My body feels like lead, like it’s weighed down and bound so tightly, that nothing will move. I can hear a loud noise, a wailing sound, it’s deafening and I want to block my ears. A hand is gripping mine. Everything is rocking. The hand squeezes mine.
Luke.
I hear his voice whisper pleadingly in my ear, "Stay with me Ash please, I love you, stay with me."
I want to. I love you too.
"Please, please don’t leave me. I need you," he begs me.
I don’t want to, but I have to.
I am moving again.
Footsteps, I can hear lots of footsteps, running. More bright lights now and banging. Doors are being slammed all around me. Voices are everywhere.
I am moving faster now.
Fingers gripping my hand, begging me to stay.
I try to squeeze back, let him know it’s alright. Nothing happens.
Luke.
I feel myself lifted and then put down with a thud.
My hand has been let go. I want to reach out, try to find him but still nothing happens. I can’t make my arm work.
Suddenly he is there again, both of his hands now holding mine. Squeezing it so tight.
Luke.
Loud noises are everywhere.

Beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep

Voices too.
….."Quickly, we need to stop the bleeding…"
…."Let’s hang three units now!"
Pain, there’s so much pain. It’s flooding through my body, a blinding, intense pain, pulling at everything inside of me. It’s pulling me away from here. I can feel myself slipping from wherever I am now. I am so cold.
I try to focus on my hand in Luke’s. I try to squeeze it but nothing, nothing happens.
It’s so noisy in here, I wish it would all go away. Please just go away. Please just go away. Leave me, leave him.
But the noises stay.

Beep  -  -  beep  -  -  beep

Voices, so many of them now.
…."Let’s move it people, someone get rid of those clothes…"
….."You need to stay out of here"…..
…."NO!"….

Beep  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  beep

"We’re losing her!"
"Get a crash cart in here…..NOW!"
…."Asha"….. "Please!"

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"CLEAR!"
∞

Somewhere, faintly, I can hear someone counting.
Numbers.

One

When I was only one minute old I lost the first person from my life. I was an unforseen complication who killed her mother. She’d wanted me so badly, but in the end she never got to know me and I never got to know her.

Two

For some reason, then I got a decade off. But at the age of ten I lost my best friend, my loyal defender, Grace. I was a child and I did something so stupid, it ended up killing her.

Three

By twelve it was my Grandad, a man who always made me feel better, made me happy and who was one half of the greatest love story I’d ever heard. He’d tried to make me happy and it killed him.

Four

Then at sixteen it was a boy who had the misfortune to be the subject of a school girl crush. Maybe if he hadn’t been so nice to me, hadn’t felt the same way, it could’ve been avoided.

Five

One year later my Mom’s sister joined her. Her surrogate mothering earning her the same fate as my real mother. Once again I was the unforseen complication who caused it.

Six

By the time I finally had another best friend, I was beginning to wonder if knowing me was such a smart idea. When Nate died at nineteen, I was sure it wasn’t, because once again I’d been the reason.

Seven

Then at twenty-one my Grandma was next. For some reason this one caused me the least guilt, even though I was to blame. This one at least, gave a final happy ending to that beautiful love story, even if I was the reason why.

Eight

Then my role model, my mentor, the woman I aspired to be, died and I hoped it could all finally stop now. But that wasn’t going to be the last of it. Because then, then it really started to hurt. Almost as if death was coming for me with a vengeance now, like the last twenty-one years had all been a warm-up. Because then;

Nine

I lost my dad.

Ten

My brother, Seth.

Eleven

My sister-in-law, Lara.

Twelve

And Sam.
The man I loved. The man I trusted, the man who knew the truth about me and still stayed with me. Then I broke his heart and he died.
I felt like I was dead then too, that I really would be better off dead.
But I wasn’t and I couldn’t do it, so I did the only thing I could do. I removed myself from the world. Tried to stay away, tried to protect people from me. Tried so very hard, not to get attached again.
But then something happened. Someone happened.
Luke.
He walked into my life and slowly, gently he showed me how to smile again, how to start living again. He gave me a reason to breathe again. Showed me that living was worth it and it was worth fighting for. That it was worth taking a risk and making the choices you wanted to make. That he was choosing me, fighting for me and he wanted me to fight for him, for us.
I am going to fight this time, but I’m not going to let him be next.
So when it came time for number thirteen, that’s when I decided, I was finally making a choice and I would fight for that choice. This time I was going to be the one who would choose.

….Thirteen

And this time, it would be me.
∞

I feel a sudden powerful jolt. It surges through me, blocking out everything else.
The noise is all gone now, the pain too. I am no longer cold. I can’t feel Luke’s hand anymore. I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing.
And it feels amazing.
A memory flashes through me.

...late in the evening, walking into our bedroom and seeing Luke’s guitar. Picking it up as I sit on the bed, holding it as though I was going to play. Feeling him slide in behind me, his legs holding me between him. Feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he places his hands over mine on the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" he whispered in my ear. "You’d do that?" I whispered back, as his lips trailed soft, slow kisses down my neck. "I’d do anything for you Ash, anything," he said, gently biting my shoulder. "Luke," I whispered as his kisses slowly moved back up my neck. His guitar fell to the floor...

It’s gone.
I wonder what time it is.
Today is my birthday and I got the best gift of all.
I got to save him.
I wonder where Luke is. I hope he is ok. I hope the others are with him.
I hope he knows that I love him.
More than anything.
And I really hope he knows why.



I Need to Tell You
Music & Lyrics by Luke Taylor


I can never explain all that I feel, to you
I can never show everything that I feel, to you
But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.

I need to tell you,
That you are the air that I breathe
That you are my heart as it beats
That you are my soul and all that it keeps
You are my everything and
I will spend forever trying to show you.

But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.
I need to tell you
I really need to tell you
How much I love you.