I Love You to Death

At the stroke of midnight when a new day dawns, but chaos and death are strongest
∞

Playlist:
1. 100 suns – 30 Seconds to Mars
2. Tongue tied – Grouplove
3. It ends tonight – The All-American Rejects
∞

I’ve always been a night person, long before the nightmares started. I like the darkness, the silence of night. I like being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. It’s a time when you can remain hidden from everyone, when no one can see you or hear you or know you. But it can also be a time to show yourself, reveal all of your inner fears, your inner desires because you know that come dawn, a new day will begin and the night and all that it holds will disappear.
But the darkness, the night, it can be dangerous. As much as I love it, it would sometimes scare me. It brings out the worst in people and it’s where the monsters lurk.
∞

I remember when Sam suggested we get our own place. It had been twelve months since I’d gone to Boston and we were still living in the apartment he shared with Simon and Brandon, which now felt very crowded. Things were starting to get heated between the guys too. I’d overheard things and I know Sam had said stuff to them. I didn’t know what to do, but I was beginning to think maybe I might have to move back home, that somehow I was going to have to find a different way to make this work before I destroyed it.
When I said to Sam, "Maybe I should just go back to Providence and commute?"
He simply replied, "Or maybe we should just get our own place?"
His suggestion made me smile, made me so happy because it made me realise he wanted to be with me and this thing between us was important to him, like it was to me.
I said yes right away and then we started looking.
It was tough at first, because everything was just so damn expensive and Sam was only working part-time because he was still studying. I hardly had extensive qualifications, so the waitressing I was doing did not rake in the big bucks. Still we were both incredibly happy and I remember thinking again, that out of Nate’s death, I was so lucky to have been given Sam. I thanked Nate every day for telling Sam to look for me, to come and find me.
We eventually found the tiny apartment I still live in now and after that, everything was great. We finally had our own space where we could come home to only each other, every night. Finally it was just the two of us and as I savoured it, I tried desperately not to think about what I’d been doing to the people closest to me all my life.
A couple of weeks after we moved in though, I decided I had to tell Sam about me. I think it was guilt that drove me to do it. Here I was, now living with a man who I was madly in love with, but who I was petrified of doing something terrible to. I wasn’t sure how it had all gotten this far, and I knew sooner or later I was going to have to get this out. Tell him the truth about me. Fortified by a few drinks, I broke the news to him.
It went something like this.
"Sam, I need to talk to you and I need you to take me seriously."
He looked up at me as he attempted to make us dinner. Sam was never really much of a cook, a bit like me. "Are you breaking up with me already?" he asked, a joking smile on his face.
"I’m serious Sam I need you to listen to this."
His smile disappeared.
"You being with me, it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what I’m doing here living with you, because there’s a very good chance it will end badly, that something very bad will happen to you."
"What?" he joked. "Are you like an axe murderer or something?"
"No Sam I’m not," I said, my frustration starting to show. "But everyone who gets close to me, everyone that I love, dies. It’s been happening all my life and I you really need to know about it."
He didn’t say anything, just stood there stirring something in the saucepan. I went on.
"I understand if you’re pissed at me, especially now. I should’ve told you before. But if you want me to move out, I will."
He stopped then, stopped stirring and walked over to me. "Ash, don’t say stupid things like that."
"You need to know this about me Sam and I really should’ve told you earlier, before we got this far," I repeated.
He grabbed hold of my hands and said to me, "Do you want to tell me what this is really about babe?"
So I did. I told him about killing my mother just by being born. I told him about grandad, Grace, about Adam, and I told him about Nate. Nate and the reason we ever got together in the first place.
Sam smiled when I mentioned him. "But Nate is the one who told me to come check you out. I would’ve come down sooner or later anyway and met you," he said, trying I know, to make me feel better.
"Yeah but you didn’t," I said softly. "You never met me until you had to. At Nate’s funeral, after I killed him."
"Ah Ash," he said, pulling me into a hug. "I think all of this is just a bunch of bad luck and you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You aren’t killing people babe, that’s crazy."
My head was resting on his shoulder, facing away from him when I said, "I know I am Sam, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually lose you too."
He pushed me back then, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said those fateful words to me, "But babe, I’m still here."
And that was it. That’s how I told Sam. I felt relieved to have confessed. Relieved Sam had listened to me and not walked away. But I was still scared, scared at the possibility of it happening again.
Shortly afterwards I looked up and smoke was billowing from the stove and filling the kitchen. Then the fire alarm started going off on account of dinner now actually being on fire. I turned to look at Sam, but he just laughed and said, "Now that was definitely my fault Ash."
I still wasn’t sure I believed him.
∞

Eventually Luke whispers to me to go to sleep, that he’ll be here when I wake up. He will stay here and sleep with me. But I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here in this place with him. We can’t fall asleep here, not together, not like this. I shake my head, "I don’t want to stay here Luke. We can’t stay here."
He takes my face in his hands, smiles at me because he understands now and says, "Then come and stay with me."
I look up at him. He is so amazing and despite my fear, I still want him so badly. "For how long?" I ask quietly.
He just smiles, kisses me again and whispers, "Forever."
And right then, deep inside my chest, my broken heart flips at that one word. Inside, all of those tiny shattered pieces start to fit back together at the possibility of a forever with him. I desperately want to believe it’s possible. I want to believe I can have this.
We pack some of my things. So many of my clothes are still at Luke’s place, I’ve spent so much time there, a part of me wonders how I ever thought I could walk away, could ever let him go. I know I was afraid, that deep down a part of me always believed this had to be too good to be true.
Before we leave, I go into the kitchen and take down the guitar picks he left there so many months ago. He smiles at me as I put them in my bag and together we walk out. I let him lock the door, carry my bag and take me out of there.
And just like that, I leave my old life behind and walk into a new one with him.
He takes me home. It’s warm in his apartment. He takes me to his room, pulls me into bed and holds me until I fall asleep. All I can smell is Luke. I feel safe here, lying on his chest, listening to his heart beat, listening to him.
When I wake up only hours later he’s still here, holding me in his arms. I move so our faces are only inches apart on the pillow. I feel exhausted. He looks the same and I wonder if he has slept at all. It’s only just dawn.
"Are you okay Luke?" I ask him quietly, running my hand over his hair, across his cheek. "Is your arm hurting?"
"I’m alright Ash," he says, pulling me tighter against him.
"I’m sorry about your family, about your Dad doing that to you."
He presses a kiss to my forehead. "It’s okay beautiful, it was a long time ago. I’m okay with it all now."
"What about Mia?" I ask. "Does she speak to them?"
Luke lets out a big sigh. "No she stopped speaking to him after she learnt what he did. I think she still speaks to Mom though, every now and then anyway, but it’s strained, I know that."
I take a deep breath. "That day you threw the phone, were you talking to him?"
Luke closes his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "I was. I was trying to protect Mia."
"Is she like you?" I ask. "You know, gifted?"
He runs his hand over his face, over his head. He looks so tired as he says, "No, it was just me, although she’s definitely not stupid. She just isn’t doing what he wants her to do. He still thinks he actually has a say in all this, in her life."
His face is so sad, so lost. I want him to be happy again. I want to make him happy. He’s done so much for me, so much more than I ever thought possible. I look at him, forcing myself to smile. "So you’re saying, underneath this sexy rock star lurks a total maths geek?"
He laughs now and there it is. His eyes are bright again. The worry and tiredness leaves his face. My heart surges with happiness, finally. I smile at him, kiss him softly. He pulls me even closer, dragging the covers over us.
"You think I’m sexy?" he whispers teasingly.
I laugh now. I feel like I’m home.

It’s been twelve days since Luke’s accident and I’m still living with him. His burn is healing and he will be okay. I’ve officially given up my apartment now and all of my stuff is either here, in storage or gone. I’m living in the apartment with him and Jared. I’m welcome here and it’s nothing like before. I want to be here. Luke wants me to be here. Jared laughs when he says I should’ve always been here. I don’t know how I ever thought I could leave him.
Luke makes space for me in his bedroom. We are lucky because he has the biggest with a bathroom too. He finds places for all of my stuff and he lets me be at home here. I smile as I put my toothbrush beside his in the bathroom. Stack my CDs with his. Hang my clothes next to his in the wardrobe.
And I hang the guitar picks in the window above our bed.
The last two weeks have been like a new start and I feel so different, so completely different to the old me. Luke knows everything now, he’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here. Every day with him is like a new chance and I don’t want to lose that. I want to believe this is all possible. I want to believe things really can be different this time.
I’m lying in bed reading when I hear Luke come home tonight. Mia is here again, staying with us for Christmas. I know now that she always stays with them when she comes to town and I know now how much Jared loves it. I also know it isn’t just a little one sided crush at all, that he is absolutely crazy about her and when I ask him why he doesn’t just tell her, he shakes his head and says, "She’s the sister of my best mate Ash, it’s complicated."
"He knows Jared and he doesn’t have a problem with it," I tell him. "You have to know that."
He smiles sadly at me and says, "Yeah I guess, I mean he didn’t seem to before."
"So what’s the real problem then, why can’t you just tell her how you really feel?" I want them to be happy. It’s torturous watching them both feel the same way about each other and do nothing about it. I don’t know how either of them can stand it.
"I don’t know," he answers quietly. "Too much has happened and too much has been said. Mia, she knows how I….I just, I just don’t know."
He blows out a deep breath and I realise how much all of this affects him, how much it must’ve been affecting him for a while now. I also get the feeling there’s a lot more going on here than I ever realised. Things have definitely happened in the past I know that, but there’s a gap neither of them can cross, no matter how much they both want to. I want to help them, after everything they’ve done for me.
I spent the afternoon hanging out with Mia while the guys practiced. We talked and talked all afternoon, well into the night. When I brought Jared up I saw the sad smile cross her face. They were stuck, both of them.
"Do you want to talk about it Mia?" I asked her as I grabbed us a couple of beers.
"There isn’t much to say Ash," she said quietly.
I squeezed her hand as I said, "I kinda get the feeling there is, that maybe there’s more going on here between the two of you?"
She looked up at me then and it looked like tears were filling her eyes. "Yeah, things have happened before."
"And?" I said, still holding her hand as I sat down beside her.
"And I don’t know, it’s a mess Ash, for so many reasons and things just seem to get in the way of sorting it all out."
"Have you tried just telling him how you feel about all of this?" I asked gently.
"No," she said sadly. "I already f*cked things up once before, badly, and I don’t know how to fix that. How to undo the things I’ve done."
"Maybe you need to make time, find a way. Remember what you told your brother Mia?" I said to her. "You just need to do something, anything to show Jared how you really feel, that you feel the same way he does."
She shook her head. "I can’t sing Ash, you know that."
I couldn’t help but laugh. "You know that’s not what I meant Mia, you just need to let him know, really let him know. Shit, look at what Luke did and he had no idea how I felt."
Mia raised an eyebrow at me.
"What?"
"Ash, I hate to say it, but I knew how you felt about Luke within about two seconds of meeting you."
"Really?" I asked. "But nothing was even going on back then?"
Mia was laughing now. "Didn’t matter Ash, up until you found out I was his sister, you could pretty much see the jealousy and annoyance dripping off you. It was obvious how you felt, even if you didn’t realise it."
I blushed when she said this, knowing only too well how true that probably was. I just didn’t realise how obvious it’d been. "Do you think Luke noticed?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink.
She squeezed my hand now as she gently said, "It would’ve been hard for him not to Ash. He was so crazy about you, it’s a wonder he didn’t just jump you then and there when he saw your reaction to me walking in. In any case I’m sure he knows now," she continued laughing again.
I hope he does.
"So have you, you know, talked to him about how you really feel? Those three little words you blurted out to me at the Cape?" she continued, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile.
I took another nervous sip of my drink, stalling before I answered her, "No."
"So you haven’t told him?" Mia asked. Subtly changing the course of the conversation appeared to be one thing Mia could do.
"No," was all I could say again.
"Why not Ash?"
I shook my head, took another sip of my drink. "I’m too scared," I finally admitted, unable to explain why.
Mia just squeezed my hand again before she let go. "You shouldn’t be Ash, that much I can guarantee you. You definitely shouldn’t be scared about telling Luke how you feel. You have to know he feels the same way right? You must know, I mean everyone can see it," she continued, smiling at me.
That’s not what I was afraid of. I’d heard him say the words once before, whispered in my ear so many months ago. I wasn’t afraid of what he felt; he never held back, his actions constantly showing me what those feelings were. It was one of the things I loved about him.
It was me. I’d never said those words back to him because it was the final step. It was like admitting it was all really real and if it was, then it could all really be destroyed as well. That’s what I was afraid of.
But I couldn’t tell Mia this. So I just took a deep breath and jokingly said, "Everyone but me right?"
"No Ash," Mia said gently. "I know you see it too. I know you do."
"Yeah," I said quietly. She smiled at me then and I smiled back, knowing that whether I said those words out loud or not, the feeling was true. I knew it, hopefully Luke knew it. And keeping it a secret or actually telling him wasn’t going to change anything, not now. And he deserved to know, he deserved to hear me say it and I really did want to tell him.
So it’s a little after midnight when Luke finally comes home. I’m lying in bed reading, but I’m definitely not tired and in no danger of going to sleep anytime soon.
"Hey my beautiful girl," he says with a smile in his voice, putting his guitar down and coming over to the bed.
"Hey," I smile back at him, leaning over for a kiss.
He touches his lips to mine. "How was the movie?" he murmurs against them.
I laugh as I say, "Um, we never got there. Talking too much and we missed the start."
Luke smiles at me as he kicks off his boots and sits down on the bed now, facing me. "That, I’m not surprised about." He kisses me again, his hand finding mine and our fingers lacing together as his thumb softly brushes over my wrist. It’s all I can do not to rip his clothes off right here and now. But I’m going to do this first. I want to do this, I want to tell him.
"Did you have a good night though?" he eventually asks.
"We did," I smile.
We’re sitting here watching each other and even though music is playing, I’m sure Luke must be able to hear my heart, which is racing inside my chest. It’s practically deafening to me, so I don’t know how he could miss it.
"You okay Ash?" he eventually asks me, his head tilting slightly as he watches me, his thumb still stroking my wrist. My pulse is pounding; he must be able to feel it.
I take another deep breath. "Yes. But I want to tell you something," I say. "Something important."
Luke just keeps watching me, as I sit there trying to get the words out. "Anything," he eventually says. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, if he knows what I’m trying to say, trying to do. I force myself to continue.
"Luke…"
"Yeah?"
And then I just say it. Those three words I’ve been holding back. Those three words I heard him whisper to me months ago. Those three words that describe a feeling I know I’ve had for so long now. Those three words that mean everything, I finally just say it to him.
"….I love you."
It feels like time freezes for a second before everything then starts to move in slow motion. I watch Luke as he blinks, then smiles, then grabs me and pulls me to him. I watch as he kisses me. Hard. One hand buried in my hair, the other wrapping tightly around my waist holding me against him. My eyes close as I kiss him back.
"Please say that again," he whispers against my lips.
I open my eyes, find him watching me. "I love you," I say again. "I really love you."
He groans, kissing me again as he pushes us down onto the bed. "Asha, I love you. I love you so much." His voice is strained, full of emotion as he finally says those same three words back to me again.
"You do?" I can’t help but whisper.
He pulls back a little, looking at me with blue eyes that are so full of love I cannot look away. "Yeah Asha, I really do. I love you, I’ve always loved you."
I smile up at him.
He smiles back.
Now I do rip his clothes off.
It’s almost dawn by the time we finally fall asleep, but when we do, I have a smile on my face and Luke’s warm arms surrounding me, holding me tightly against him. Now I know I’m home.
∞

Tomorrow it’s my birthday. Everything feels so different to this time last year.
But tonight is a really big show for the band. They are all so excited because finally some big names in the industry are coming to watch. Infinity is the main act and they will be the final performance. The guys are all bouncing off the walls in anticipation.
Even before I said it, Luke told me I was coming. When I started to argue, all he said was, "No, I don’t believe you will ruin it for us. I will refuse to play if you aren’t there." His stubborn streak is there when he wants it to be, but I love it that he knows what I’m thinking, and I love that despite everything he does know, he still chooses me.
He tells me, "Look at how well our other shows have gone when you were there."
I smile because I know exactly which show he’s talking about.
He isn’t at work today and already I miss him. I woke up with him only hours ago and he walked me to work and still, I’m craving him. They’re practicing all day and then he will come back to get me. I’m counting down the seconds.
It’s exactly 6:12pm when he walks in. He sidles up to the counter with an adorable smile on his face and I feel my heart skip a beat. I can’t help but smile back at him, can’t help but reach for him.
"Hey," I say, as he pulls me to him, folding me in his arms and pressing a kiss to my lips. I don’t even care who’s watching as he kisses me. I only see him.
Eventually he pulls back, whispering against my lips, "Mmm, I missed you."
I smile up at him and take his hand as we head back to the staff room. "Are you all ready to go tonight?" I ask him.
"Uh huh," he says, closing the door and shutting us in the room.
Something weird is going on and I turn to look at him. He has a funny look on his face, as though he has a secret he’s dying to tell me.
"What’s going on?" I ask him.
"I got something for you today," he says, stepping towards me.
"Really?"
"Yeah, really." He’s smiling as he asks, "Do you wanna see it?" His hand reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear again. A jolt of electricity courses through me, and I know he feels it too. I see his eyes darken at the connection, his smile become something else.
I’m watching him. "Ok," I say, a little wary.
He slowly lifts up his shirt, to reveal a bandage on his chest. I gasp, immediately thinking something bad has happened. "Shhh," he whispers. "It’s all ok Asha," he continues as he slowly peels back the bandage.
I see what it is now.
A tattoo. He’s gotten a new tattoo. I look at the black design and I’m speechless. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched as he drew it occasionally on scraps of paper, beside his lyrics, playing with the design. I’ve watched the smile on his face as he did this. I’ve watched as that smile grew bigger every time he looked up and caught me watching him. Extra bits have been added to it now.
I look back up at his face.
He’s watching me.
Waiting.
Wanting to see what I think.
I know exactly what this is, what it means. I know, because I also know what his other tattoos are about. I know what they really mean to him and why he got them both. I know he doesn’t do this lightly, that it’s a form of expression for him, just like his music. And when he gets one, it’s important and it really means something, that the design and everything it represents, is an important part of him.
And it’s because of that, my heart just stops. It stops with the realisation that he’s made it permanent, that he’s inked this design that he created for me, forever into his skin. It’s beautiful to look at, it looks beautiful on him. And now it is a part of him forever, I am a part of him forever. I feel like I’m going to explode, because I just can’t describe what seeing that design forever marked on his body does to me.
As he smooths the bandage back over it, I can’t help but throw myself at him, wrapping my body around his. I hear him laugh softly before I push my mouth hard against his, pulling a deep groan from him. I feel his arms wrap around me, holding me tight as he turns and backs us up against the closed door. I’m glad we’re alone in here. He lifts me, pressing my back against the wood. My legs circle his waist. Leaning into me, he kisses me deeply, so deeply that I forget how to breathe. My brain is swimming inside of my head and I can’t tell if my heart has even started beating again. I can feel all of Luke pressed against me and I know exactly what he’s feeling too. When he pulls back, we are only inches apart and he whispers, "Do you like it?"
I am overflowing when I tell him, "I love it," my voice husky with desire and so much more.
He smiles at me, knows exactly what I’m saying as he looks right at me and whispers, "Good, because I love you Asha, I really love you."
Now I melt, I’m melting at his words, those words. I could listen to him say them to me forever. I look right back at him. "Luke," I whisper. "I love you too."
His smile is bigger, his eyes darker now and my heart is racing. We kiss and kiss and I wish we were somewhere else. He reads my mind, because as his lips find my ear, he whispers, "Let’s get out of here."
By now, I can only nod. My brain can’t function enough for me to get words out, so I just let him take me home. Let him take me to our room. Let him undress me and pull me into bed. Let him touch me all over, with his fingers, his lips, his tongue. Let him show me how much he feels. Try to show him how much it mirrors my own feelings.
That I want him.
That I need him.
That I love him.
We are so close, I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin.
We have no time for a shower, but neither of us cares. We walk to the club, covered in each other, our bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I feel like I don’t ever want to let him go. Just before he goes on stage, I pull him to me and stand on my toes to whisper, "I love you." I don’t know why it ever took me so long to get the words out. Now I just can’t stop telling him.
Luke smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart and then he walks on stage and reinvents the meaning of music.
I stay watching from the side, watching Luke as he engages the audience and sings his words to them. They are good, so good tonight, everyone can feel it. The crowd is going crazy and the guys are playing like they’re drawing all of their energy from them. It’s amazing to watch. They play a new song, a song Luke wrote for us. The audience loves it, but I hardly notice anyone because I can’t take my eyes off Luke. I can’t wipe the smile off my face either, I am so happy. It’s still there when they all leave the stage, over two hours later.
I pull him straight into my arms, telling him over and over again how amazing he is, how much I love him. I can’t ever remember feeling like this before. Suddenly we are both surrounded and looking, we see that they are all hugging us. Jared and Ben and Steve and Mia and Sarah and Pete are all hugging us. We’re all laughing now because we all know it was their best performance.
We all know there is something amazing going on here.
∞

I was twelve when I finally asked Dad about being born and what had happened that day. He told me everything. I needed to know it all, what had really happened and how he really felt. Like I said, he never, ever made me feel as though I was to blame, or it was my fault everything that happened. If anything, he loved me more and always made sure I knew that. And when I learnt some of the background, I guess I started to see why.
He told me how they struggled, how they’d both desperately wanted me, but Mom especially. It made me wish even more I’d had the chance to know her, wish she had the chance to know me. But he always said she was so grateful to be finally having me, that even if it was only for a minute, her knowing I was alive and okay would’ve meant something to her.
They’d been trying to have another baby for years. Almost as soon as Seth was born, they wanted another. My Mom had desperately wanted a daughter, not that she didn’t love Seth, but I guess all mothers want a little girl of their own. For years they had tried and for years they didn’t have any luck. They both had tests and everything was normal, but it just wasn’t happening. But Mom insisted they keep trying, one day it would happen, that she knew she was meant to have another baby. Then one day she woke up, walked out into the kitchen where Dad was cooking her breakfast and before she’d even sat down, she walked to the sink and threw up. Dad says she knew straight away what it meant. That when she was pregnant with Seth she couldn’t stand the smell of food first thing in the morning, it used to make her sick every time. So instead of being mortified at having vomited all over the kitchen, Dad just poured her a glass of water and after rinsing her mouth out, both of them were laughing and crying at the possibly it had finally happened again. As soon as the stores opened they went out and bought a test and when the positive came back, they were over the moon.
By all accounts her pregnancy with me was completely normal. The morning sickness she had was the same as what she’d had with Seth. She lost weight initially, which wasn’t good, but the same thing had happened with Seth. And when she reached twelve weeks, it all stopped, just like with Seth. The rest of the time was all normal. I grew normally, they found out I was a girl, which made her even more excited and everything was just so completely normal.
In the end though, I was born a month early. Whether the excitement of New Year’s Eve caused me to make my unexpected appearance or whether it was something to do with the unforseen complications, I’ll never know. But just before midnight on the last day of the year, when everyone else was counting down the clock to celebrate, I entered the world. And one minute later, just before the clock actually struck twelve, just before the New Year arrived, my Mom died.
They were holding me at the time, when it all started happening. Dad tells me she smiled, then he kissed her and then things started to go very wrong. There was a lot of bleeding, a lot of noise as monitors started alarming everywhere. Doctors were rushing around, I was taken out of her arms and out of the room. Dad kept holding onto her hand as they tried desperately to get the bleeding to stop.
"I love you," was the last thing she said before she closed her eyes.
I never got to know her and she, after wanting me for so long, never got to know me.
In the end, Dad named me Asha because it was what they’d decided on months before. Actually as he says, it was what she’d decided, that as soon as she found the name, she knew that’s what I would be called. There’s a part of me that wished I was named after her, but Dad always said this was the name she wanted and when she wanted something she pretty much always got it. He laughed when he said this, telling me, "Your Mom was very stubborn you know."
Depending on which origin you look at, my name, it means desire, hope or wish. Ironically it can also mean life. Dad says she chose it because that’s what I was to her. I was her hope, her wish and her desire.
But I also took her life.
Sometimes I don’t think I deserve this name, not after everything I’ve done. But it’s what she wanted for me. I really wish I could have known her.
∞

Afterwards we go out to the bar. People are congratulating them, clapping them on the back, hugging them all. Luke never lets go of me and I love being here with him, knowing that all of these people love him. I love knowing it’s me that he loves, that he is mine and I am his. I never thought I could have this again and I love him, for giving it all back to me.
The industry people find the guys and drinks are bought for everyone. They are impressed with tonight’s performance and want to discuss ideas, a possible support tour and recording session. The guys are so excited and I’m so very happy for them. I watch Mia and Jared as they dance around each other still; slowly getting closer, but still so far apart and I want so badly for them to work it out. Want so badly for them to have what I now have, what I know they both want.
When midnight strikes, Luke excuses himself and pulls me away. He takes me back behind the stage, to a room where all of their gear is being stored. He pulls me to him, whispering in my ear, "Happy birthday my beautiful girl, happy birthday."
I can’t believe he has remembered, that he has thought to do this with everything else that’s going on for them tonight. That still he thinks of me. "Luke," I whisper, my heart close to exploding right now. "You don’t have to do this."
He smiles at me as he whispers, "Yeah Ash, I really do."
He kisses me so passionately I feel like I might pass out. His lips move slowly along my jaw, down my neck and back up to my ear where he tells me, "I have things at home for you, let’s get out of here."
I don’t want to ruin his night or this chance for him, so I tell him, "Let’s stay. Stay as long as you need to Luke. I’m not going anywhere."
He smiles at me and kisses me again and we do more than we should in that tiny back room.
When we join the rest of the guys, Mia is smiling at us. I guess it’s obvious what we’ve been doing so I stick my tongue out at her to hide my blushing. She leans over and whispers to me, "Have fun back there did we?"
I can’t help but hug her as I say, "Thank you Mia, thank you for everything." She hugs me back and just laughs when Luke pulls me away from her, wrapping me in his arms, his entire body pressed against mine.
Hours later, we all leave. We are out in the back alley, piling the gear into Ben’s van. Luke is holding his guitar case in one hand and my hand in the other. I’m buzzing with excitement at getting him alone again.
As the van doors shut and we yell goodbyes to each other, Luke and I walk towards the end of the alley. Mia is still talking to Jared. They are standing so very close to each other now and Luke and I both smile when we see them. I wonder if they’re going to walk back with us, or if maybe they’re going somewhere else together. I wonder if they are finally really talking. Ben and Sarah are clearly going home together and I’m very happy for them. Steve and Pete have already gone back inside and probably won’t go home for hours. The apartment isn’t far and although it’s winter, there is no snow at the moment.
As we get to the end of the alley though, I see a shadow emerge and I feel sickening fear twist at my insides.
A deep voice snarls, "Hand over the f*ckin’ gear," and I see the glint of metal as it rises to face us.
F*ck, f*ck, f*ck the voice in my head is screaming. My heart is pounding now, but for all the wrong reasons. Why didn’t we leave earlier when Luke said? Why did I tell him to stay? Why do I have to go through this, again?
The gun moves so it’s pointing at Luke and I desperately want to scream for the others to come and help us. The voice repeats itself, "I won’t say it again a*shole, hurry the f*ck up!"
I hear Luke’s firm voice, "No!"
I hear the sharp click of metal.
And above all of it, I hear my brain screaming please, please, please, don’t do this to me again. Please don’t take him away from me.
I don’t know if I’m screaming out loud or if it’s only in my head.
∞

The other part that made Sam’s death the worst of all was that his death was the only one I experienced first-hand. After everything I’d told him, he still stuck around and in the end, his was the only death I actually saw, the only one I really discovered. The only death I truly lived through and this made it so much more horrifyingly painful and real.
It was all so stupid too, such a stupid waste that could’ve so easily been prevented. A tiny little insignificant thing that you never would’ve expected could kill you. But it did and as always, it had been my fault.
He’d had a toothache for ages, weeks. It was interrupting his sleep and getting to the point where he could barely eat anything he was in so much pain. He wouldn’t go to the dentist though because he was worried we couldn’t afford it. We could, I had money put away, money my Dad and Seth had left me, but Sam wouldn’t use it. Said he’d be fine. But he wasn’t, so in the end, I found him a dentist. I randomly picked one from the net and organised an appointment for him. Made sure he went.
He needed some major work done and it did cost a fortune, but it worked. He came home pain free and much happier. After the swelling in his mouth went down, he was able to eat again and he was finally sleeping properly. I didn’t care about the huge bill we now faced, it was only money. I was just relieved, relieved that he was ok and relieved it had all gone smoothly.
I couldn’t have known how wrong I was.
About a week after, Sam started to feel unwell. At first it was just a high temperature, but then he started getting chills at night, which after piling on the blankets would quickly turn into sweats. It was amazing how fast he could go from freezing cold to sweltering hot. Nothing seemed to work, painkillers, cold showers, so I tried to get him to go to the doctor. Sam was reluctant, convinced he just had the flu and that we couldn’t really afford it after the last bill.
The following week, he started vomiting. He wasn’t able to keep anything down and I was now starting to get really scared. By the end of the third day of him being sick I suggested to him we go to the hospital.
"We’ll go tomorrow babe," he said to me, struggling almost to get the words out.
It was late and rain was coming down outside.
"Sam I think we should go now," I said.
He smiled weakly at me and said, "Just let me sleep tonight babe. It’s shit out there. I promise I’ll let you take me tomorrow."
In the end I relented. I wish I hadn’t but shortly afterwards he fell asleep and I didn’t have the heart to wake him. I sat there watching him for a while, an increasing fear working its way into my gut. I thought about calling someone. But as usual there was no one. All of Sam’s family were in Seattle and mine were all dead.
I could just call an ambulance, I thought to myself, trying to picture Sam waking up to the paramedics carrying him down the stairs.
As I sat there watching him sleep, debating what to do, his hand reached out and took mine. Without opening his eyes he whispered to me, "Come sleep babe. Tomorrow, we’ll go tomorrow."
Reluctantly I crawled onto the bed and curled around him. He was burning hot, the blankets having been thrown off and lying next to him, I didn’t need any of my own.
Eventually I fell asleep.
Curled around Sam. He was breathing, warm and alive.
The next morning when I woke up, it was the worst day of my life.
Sam was lying on the bed completely still. Not breathing, cold and dead.
He’d died in the night and I hadn’t even noticed.
I grabbed his hand. It was cold, unmoving. I lay my head on his chest, begging, desperate for a heartbeat but I couldn’t hear anything. I screamed at him, pleaded with him to wake up. I shook him, trying to force the life back into him. I even sat there stupidly praying to something that I’d never believed in. Begging, pleading, anything; I would give anything for him to wake up.
I don’t know what happened next, how anyone knew to come. Maybe they heard my screams, maybe I called 911. I honestly can’t remember. All I know is what happened after.
Them taking him away.
Being alone.
By the time the autopsy was done, his parents had arrived. They didn’t stay with me. They told me what was happening though. Let me come with them to the morgue. Let me see him one last time. He looked so different then. He wasn’t Sam anymore and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to him. Couldn’t believe it was him lying there in front of me, his skin pasty white and the faintest tinges of blue on his lips. I didn’t want to touch him like that, didn’t want to have that be my last memory of him.
Eventually they came and spoke to us. They said he had bacterial endocarditis.
I had to ask them, "What is that?"
An infection that spreads to and destroys the heart, they told me.
"What causes it?" I asked.
Bacteria entering the bloodstream through an open wound and making its way to the heart they said. Had he had any surgery or open wounds or dental work recently?
I felt my legs give way.
I felt myself collapse to the floor. Someone tried to help me up, but all I remember is the sound of someone screaming. It wasn’t until later I realised it was me.
They said it was an aggressive strain. They said it had worked quickly. They said it was tough to say whether treatment would have worked, even if we’d gone to the hospital the previous night. They said the dentist would be investigated.
Dental work. I’d chosen the dentist. I’d made the appointment and I’d made him to go. I wanted to tell them I was the one at fault, I was the one to blame.
That it was me. That he had loved me and I had loved him.
That I had killed him.
I had infected and damaged his heart. I had broken poor Sam’s heart. And because of that he’d never stood a chance.
And the only memory, the absolute worst memory I have of the whole awful day. The one I woke up to and which continued to haunt me night after night pulling me from my sleep; was the silence of Sam’s heart when I lay my head on his chest.
The empty silence of nothing at all.