I Love You to Death

A perfect ten, that which is utterly flawless
∞

Playlist:
1. Alibi – 30 Seconds to Mars
2. All you wanted – Sounds Under Radio
3. Just the way you are – Bruno Mars
4. Her song – Luke Taylor (BONUS TRACK)
∞

Being in love is the strangest and most exhilarating of experiences. Strange; realising you’re unintentionally, so totally under the control of someone else. That you would give up anything and everything for that person. That they are all you think about, night and day. That you just want to spend every second with them and you miss them when they’re gone. That just being around them is enough, but to smell, touch, taste is so much better.
That they would do anything for you, just as you would do anything for them.
That it can destroy you, the idea of losing them.
But wanting them this much, can almost destroy you too.
The exhilarating part? Well, it’s knowing all that and doing it anyway.
Most people would never think these thoughts like I do. Most people believe that nothing can ever go wrong. Because when you love someone and are loved by that person in return, the whole world seems perfect. Every single thing, every single moment, every single day and every single second. All of it seems perfect.
But I know it’s also dangerous, that it can end and it can end so badly because I’ve lived through it before. I know it can happen and it’s there in the back of my mind, all the time, every day.
But right now, I’m doing it anyway.
Because honestly, at this point, I couldn’t walk away, even if I wanted to.
∞

Work is strange without Luke here.
And I realise suddenly that I miss him.
And I really want to see him.
And all I can think about is last night.
Last night, when Luke kissed me.
Last night, when I kissed Luke.
We kissed for such a long time, both of us were wearing the flour on our faces by the end of it. The tension that was in the room only magnified. I remember feeling it surging through me, surging through him. Both of us were shaking. I didn’t know what I wanted or what he wanted, but I know I liked the feel of his arms holding me tight against him, the feel of his lips on mine, his breath in my mouth.
I think I wanted more of it.
Afterwards, we tried to go back to cooking, but I don’t think either of us was very successful. We didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was just a blur of accidental touches, stolen glances and secret smiles, all of which kept my pulse racing. Sometime later he walked me home, our arms occasionally touching as we walked side by side. Every time my skin made contact with his, my whole body felt like a burst of fire shot through my veins. It made it hard to breathe and eventually I just grabbed his hand with mine, wrapping my other hand around his bicep and pulling him close to me. I wanted to maintain the contact, wanted to maintain that feeling. When I did though, he stopped walking and dragged me into a doorway to kiss me again. I remember he pulled me tight against him as he lent back against the door, his arms wrapping around me, my arms wrapping around him. I remember he kissed me again and again, urgently, his soft moans making me not just breathless, but hungry, wanting.
Finally we walked on, this time holding hands. Still neither of us said anything. Occasionally Luke would bring our joined hands to his lips to kiss mine and every time he did, it felt like my heart was going to stop. I glanced up at him and when our eyes met, there was so much intensity in his that I felt glued to the sidewalk. When we got to my apartment, we stood at my front door staring at each other. I wanted to ask him in. I opened my mouth, "Do you –"
I watched as he stepped towards me, his hand sliding into my hair to the back of my neck, pulling me gently towards him. Smiling he bent down, his eyes watching me as he kissed me again. Soft and slow this time, his other arm sliding around my waist and under my shirt, his fingers pressing into my skin as he pulled me even closer. We both closed our eyes. I groaned. My legs felt like they could barely hold me up, as though my whole body had turned to liquid. And he tasted so good. I don’t know how long we stood at my door kissing, it felt like hours. Come inside I wanted to say to him.
Eventually he pulled back. "Good night Asha," he said softly. I watched as his hand brushed my cheek and he lent down to whisper in my ear, "Sweet dreams beautiful girl." He pressed a kiss to the corner of my jaw and a shiver ran through me, from the very spot he touched his lips, all the way down to my toes, as they curled inside my shoes. As he pulled his hand from my back, his fingers slowly trailed over my bare skin. Every bit of skin he touched was on fire, tiny hairs all standing on end as though reaching for him too.
I felt like I was going to explode.
He waited until I went inside. Waited until I closed the door and he disappeared from sight. I wondered if he heard me sag against it on the other side. My whole body was trembling and all I could think was; open the door and ask him to come in.
But I didn’t and eventually I moved and stood at the window and watched him walk away. He turned back once and I thought I saw him smile. I went to bed thinking of him, but sleep didn’t come for a long time, my body too tightly wound to relax. All I could think of was Luke, of Luke kissing me again and again. I put on his CD and let his voice pull me into sleep.
Today my lips are still tingling. I run my fingers over them, trying to remember the feeling.
And I know I want to kiss him again.
∞

The day drags on. Their show doesn’t start until ten but it seems like the clock actually stands still as I wait for it to arrive. The day feels endless. After work, I go home to get ready. This time I pay attention to what I wear, pulling on my favourite jeans and a tight black top. Black wedges instead of my usual boots. I make an effort with the make-up I put on, with my hair. I want him to notice me. I get to the bar early, hoping to see him, but none of them are around, so I wait at the back, alone. I can feel my heart pounding, my pulse racing. I feel alive tonight, really alive and I know exactly why.
Luke.
When they finally come on, they are amazing. Something is different with them tonight and I wonder again why this show is so special. They play for nearly two hours and they are intoxicating. I watch him for all of it.
I watch his eyes as they find me in the crowd.
I watch his lips as he sings into the microphone.
I watch his fingers as they play his guitar.
I watch his body as it moves around the stage.
And I imagine his eyes, his lips, his fingers, and his body all over me.
I want him.
After the encore, I think they’re going to finish. The rest of the guys walk off stage, but all Luke does is switch his electric guitar for an acoustic one. He walks slowly back to the microphone and looks at me.
Right at me.
"This is for you," is all he says.
And then he starts to sing.

Beautiful, beautiful girl
I can see the sadness you hold in your eyes
Beautiful, beautiful girl
I see all of the pain you bury inside
Beautiful, beautiful girl
How much I long to make you smile
Make you feel happy for a while
Bring back the light to your life
Beautiful, beautiful girl.
Have you let me love you for a while
Beautiful, beautiful girl.

It’s just Luke and his guitar. Just Luke’s voice as he sings the most amazingly raw and beautiful lyrics that I have ever heard. And he sings them only to me. His eyes close sometimes, but whenever they open, they are looking right at me. I’m standing so still at the back of the room, transfixed by the words he’s singing, by what he’s saying to me, by what he’s doing to me. I feel like there’s no one else in the bar except for us.
Mia was right, so right, because he does see me. He sees the real me, everything I’ve kept hidden, everything he has slowly been unravelling. All of my secrets and all of the pain I thought I’d buried. Luke has somehow unearthed it, seen it and not run. I don’t know how he’s done this, but he has and he still stands here and wants me. I feel so very exposed to him now he’s seen the real me, but I want to see all of him too. So badly.
After he finishes, the room erupts with applause. Luke just nods and leaves the stage. The rest of the band and Pete join me at the back and I’m still unable to speak. Both my head and my heart are racing, everything inside me moving at a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to control it. I think they know because they don’t ask me anything, Jared just hands me a drink and smiles.
Eventually Luke joins us. He watches me as he walks over and I can’t take my eyes off him. Someone hands him a beer and he comes and stands next to me. I can feel heat radiating from him and still I don’t say anything. People come up and congratulate them. Girls push closer to try their luck with them. Luke doesn’t move but his arm rests against mine and my skin feels like it’s burning from his touch.
I need to get out of here.
I know what I want now.
I’m not thinking about anything else anymore.
I reach for Luke’s hand. It feels like a ball of electricity in my grip and as it shoots up my arm he turns to look at me, his eyes dark. I stand on my toes, press my lips to his ear and whisper, "Take me somewhere else."
He nods at me and then turns to quickly speak with Jared. We are still holding hands and then we are outside walking. Neither of us says anything as we walk back to his house. The cool night air does nothing to the heat circling around us. The tension feels explosive.
At his apartment, he silently unlocks the front door. I walk in ahead of him and go straight into his room. He wordlessly follows me and closes the door behind him, shutting us in. It is just me and him, alone in his room.
I know what I’m doing now.
I lift off his shirt with shaking hands. Luke stands completely still, looking only at me. As I drop his shirt to the floor and lower my eyes I can see, even in the darkened room, what he’s been hiding.
He has great arms. A beautiful chest. A hard, flat stomach. Having watched him move around on stage all night, I can see why. I see my shaking fingers in front of me. Watch them as they brush lightly over his chest. Feel the warmth of his smooth skin under my fingertips. Hear his sharp intake of breath when I finally touch him.
There is black ink swirling over his right bicep. An elaborate tattoo that I run my finger over. There is more ink swirling down the left side of his torso, from his arm pit to his waist. I want to run my fingers over all of it. They aren’t shaking anymore.
I step closer and lean into him. I can smell his sweat from tonight’s performance combined with the unique smell that is just Luke. I like it. I press my nose to his chest and breathe in deeply. Still he doesn’t move, but now I can feel his heart. It’s racing inside him and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling as I do this. I finally look up at him and all I see is Luke. I see that he’s been waiting for me to see him, really see him, all this time. I see all of my own want mirrored back in his eyes. I see his lips as he nervously bites the bottom one between his teeth. I see his hand as he reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear. I am on fire, as though my body is simmering under his gaze.
I want to kiss him again.
I press up on my toes as I reach for his mouth and he lowers his head and meets me halfway. I taste him again, feel his soft smooth lips as they brush over mine, his tongue as it gently pushes my lips apart. My arm curls around his neck dragging him closer. I feel his soft groan as the fingers of my other hand slide under the waist band of his jeans and pull him against me. His arm goes around my waist, pulling us even tighter together, our bodies fused from our mouths to our feet. I close my eyes as his other arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling us closer still. Inside I am exploding from his touch, his taste, his smell.
I don’t want this to stop.
We kiss forever, standing here in his darkened bedroom. There is no music, the hint of his earlier playing still ringing in our ears. The sound of our breathing becomes more rapid with each pulsing kiss.
I want more of him.
I pull back from his kiss and look at his face. I smile at what I can see there and he smiles slowly back at me. I step back and lift off my own shirt, never taking my eyes from his. His smile is gone now, replaced with something much more enticing. I step forward again and put my hands on his belt. I undo the buckle and the buttons of his jeans without looking away from him. I move my hands and undo my own belt and jeans. His arms remain by his side, he doesn’t move. Kicking off my shoes, I step out of my jeans, leaving them on the floor and once again press my body to his. Feel my skin as it comes into contact with his for the first time. I gasp at how warm he is, at how much my racing heart now matches his. At how much my body surges. I am aching, wanting, my whole body pushing itself towards him. I wrap my arms around his waist, my fingers gripping his hips as I reach up to kiss him again. His hands slide over my bare skin sending shivers throughout my body. I lean into him, gently pushing him back towards his bed. Luke doesn’t move. He is so hesitant, so careful, like he’s afraid it will all stop.
But I want all of him.
"Luke," I whisper in the darkness.
He stops and looks at me, his hands resting on my lower back. I lick my bottom lip and watch his pupils dilate even further.
"I don’t want to stop," I say. "Don’t stop."
He doesn’t.
Luke pulls me against him now as he moves backwards to his bed. He turns and lays me down on his sheets, steps back and finishes taking off his jeans before he lies down beside me, half of his body covering mine. All of our skin touching. The weight of him on me feels amazing. He presses soft kisses to my face, along my forehead and down my nose. Stopping, he kisses my lips again, taking his time, before pressing light kisses across my jaw line. He reaches my ear where he whispers beautiful before kissing a slow path down my neck. Everything inside of me is slowly melting, from his words, his touch, his kisses. His fingers slide the bra strap off my shoulder and he presses kisses there. Everywhere he touches me sends small tremors throughout my body. My skin is tingling with anticipation, goose bumps everywhere.
I feel like I’m drowning again and my heart is beating faster than ever now.
As his fingers gently dance over my skin, I smooth my own hands all over his. Our arms wrap themselves tightly around each other, pulling us closer together. I smile at him and he smiles back, his eyes dark as he leans down to kiss me again. Our legs entangle, pulling us even closer still.

And then, then it is just us.
Just the rapid beat of our hearts.
Just our heavy, deep breaths.
Just the sound of our soft moans and whispered names.
Just me and Luke.
I am drowning in him now and it feels unbelievably perfect.
∞

Afterwards I lie with my head on Luke’s chest, listening to his heart beat slow down. He has pulled the covers to our waist and is running his fingers slowly up and down my spine. It’s making my body hum.
"Are you okay?" he eventually asks.
I lift my head to look at him and smile. "More than okay," I say. And I mean it.
He leans forward to press a kiss to my lips, whispering against them, "I’m glad."
We lie in silence for a while, my skin still tingling from the touch of his fingers moving over it. I lightly trace the lines of the tattoo on his side, watching the tiny goose bumps that follow my path. Up close I can see what it is now, lines and musical notes dancing all over his skin, down the side of his body. It’s beautiful, just like him.
"How come you always stared at me when I first came back to work?" I suddenly ask him.
I feel his silent laugh. "Because I think you are beautiful," he answers, dragging his fingers down my spine in a way that feels exquisite.
It’s exactly the words and reason I want to hear. I touch my lips to his chest and feel his warm skin beneath them. "But you never talked to me, never said anything to me for so long?" I ask.
He flattens his palm in the small of my back, his fingers tantalisingly close to disappearing under the covers. "Because I was shy," he answers quietly.
I can’t help but laugh, at the idea that Luke, borderline rock star or Luke, man who bared his soul on stage tonight, could possibly be shy.
I feel his hand tighten at my waist as he continues. "And I knew you were grieving and I didn’t want to add to that."
I lift my head again, surprised but strangely grateful for his honesty right now. "Thank you," I whisper, looking right into his blue eyes. "Thank you for my song," I kiss him. "Thank you for everything."
Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me completely on top of him as he whispers back, "Thank you Asha," before pressing another kiss to my lips. Smiling he adds, "And just so you know, it drove me crazy with how much I did want to talk to you, crazy with how much I wanted to kiss you. Every time I saw you, I just wanted to do this."
And then he kisses me all over again and my whole body starts to sing.
∞

The first thing I feel when I wake up is fear.
It’s all come back to me now and I’m suddenly very afraid. As I start to feel the panic rising, surging through me, there are gentle fingers on my back, moving over my skin. I feel the soft warmth of Luke’s body under my cheek. Hear his steady heart beat under my ear. He is okay, I am okay. I lift my head from Luke’s chest and see he’s awake and holding a book, reading while I sleep on him.
He looks down at me. "Hey," he whispers softly, his hand gently running up my back and smoothing the hair back from my face.
I push my fears away. Force them somewhere else. Bury them with every other painful emotion I know is in there. I don’t want to feel them right now. There are other things I want.
I take the book from his hand, dropping it on the floor as I slide my body up his. I see his beautiful smile as I press my lips to his, and I feel his hands move under the covers as I push myself against him. I silently wish that he not let me go, and it’s like he hears me, because when he kisses me back, he pulls me tighter against him and doesn’t.
Whatever I was expecting when I started all of this last night, or when I woke up just now, this level of comfort and intimacy, is not it. Yet surprisingly, it’s exactly what I do feel. Everything about being here, about Luke and lying in his arms, kissing him, and all of the things that have happened between us, it all feels so completely amazing and perfect. It all just feels so very right. And I don’t want any of it to stop.
I place soft kisses along Luke’s jawline and feel his smile, rather than see it. "Hey," I finally whisper back to him.
He turns his head on the pillow so he’s facing me, softly kisses my lips before whispering, "Hey beautiful."
Shivers run down my spine as I lift my eyes to meet his beautiful blue ones. "What are your plans for the day?" I ask, my hand brushing lightly over his soft hair, hoping he doesn’t have any.
He smiles at me then and whispers, "Hopefully spending it all with you."
My heart flips at his answer. It’s exactly what I wanted him to say. It brings a smile to my face now, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "I don’t want to go home."
He smiles again, kissing my neck as he whispers, "Just stay."
I breathe out a "Yes," before I’m consumed by his kisses again.
I can’t believe I’ve gone without this for so long. I can’t believe I ever thought I could go without this. I feel so hungry for him, as though I’ve been starving for months and months, and now I’m finally being allowed to eat. I have no idea what time it is. Don’t know if Jared is here or what he will say when he sees us. I’m pretty sure deep down, I don’t actually care, because for the first time in a really long time, I feel truly, unbelievably happy right now.
"I think I might need a shower," I eventually say to Luke.
He smiles at me as he says, "Yeah me too."
And I just can’t help myself as I say, "Do you wanna join me?"
He wraps his arms tighter around me and pulls me on top of him. Pressing hungry kisses all over my face, he almost growls his response. "Hell yes."
Despite what we’ve just spent all night and all morning doing, the shower doesn’t stop us from doing it all over again. The warm soapy water on his skin is almost too much, and I just can’t stop touching him, can’t stop my body’s response to him. It feels completely foreign and new, this reaction I’m having to Luke, but I don’t care, because I only want more of it. And of course, the shower is definitely offering me a perfect view of what’s now all mine to enjoy for the rest of the day. He is, without a doubt, gorgeous. I can really see that now. He has a long, lean body that’s toned from countless nights of throwing himself around stage with a guitar. His tattoos are a sharp contrast in black on his pale skin and I can’t stop running my fingers over them. His dark blue eyes watch me the whole time and his lips and fingers are constantly touching me. It’s incredibly intimate and an unbelievable turn-on being with him like this.
When we finally get out and are towelling dry, Luke asks, "Coffee?"
I smile at him again, as I answer, "Yes," and laugh when he wraps an arm around my naked body and pulls me in for another kiss.
It feels like he can’t get enough of me either and I like it, I really like it.
I towel dry my hair, watching Luke in the mirror as he pulls on a pair of sweats and heads shirtless out to the kitchen. Focusing on my own reflection, I’m stunned when I barely recognise the face looking back at me.
I look so different today.
I can see there’s a smile tugging at my mouth and I wonder if it’s been there since I woke up this morning or maybe if it’s been there all night. It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself smiling. So long since I’ve had anything to smile about, and it’s a shock to see it. Leaning in closer, I run my fingertips over my lips, which are red and slightly swollen. This makes me smile even more, as I remember the thousands of kisses Luke has pressed to them since last night. Up close like this, I see something else too, something that scares me a little. Light in my eyes. I wonder when that happened, because for as long as I can remember, nothing but dull brown eyes have looked back at me. Dull eyes, that just looked permanently sad. But now they are alive and flecked with gold, as they shine back at me from the mirror. Seeing this new me sends a shiver through my body, a shiver at what it could all possibly mean.
Turning, I walk back out and into Luke’s room. I pick up my clothes, but right now, I don’t want to put them back on. Walking over to some drawers, I wonder if Luke would mind if I wore something of his. I pull out a pair of his boxer briefs and a black t-shirt. Pulling on his clothes, I peek out the door and see Luke standing in the kitchen, hands on the counter as he gazes out the window, his back to me. I can’t see any sign of Jared and I also can’t resist the bare skin that feels like it’s pulling me towards him. I walk silently out into the kitchen and slide my arms around his waist as I rest my cheek against his back, between his shoulder blades. I hear his soft groan and I can’t help kissing his smooth, warm skin.
"I borrowed something to wear, I hope you don’t mind?" I murmur into his back.
Luke turns in my arms and when I look up, I find him smiling as he slides his hands around my waist and under the t-shirt I’m wearing. Sparks of fire flash through me at the look he gives me, at his fingers dancing over my skin.
"Definitely not, this is a very good look on you," he says in a low voice.
"It is?" I ask, quickly glancing down at myself.
Luke smiles again before he leans down to whisper, "Are you kidding me? You, in my clothes, after a fantastic night and morning like the one we just had? Yeah, it doesn’t get any better than that Ash."
I feel my stomach drop to the floor, my teeth uncontrollably grazing his collar bone in response to his words. God I feel so turned on again, how does he keep doing this to me? I pull back to look at him. "It was pretty fantastic, wasn’t it?" I say quietly.
He gently presses his forehead to mine as he whispers, "Amazingly fantastic," before he kisses me in a way that says and it’s not over yet.
My rumbling stomach is what eventually pulls us apart, echoing into the kitchen and reminding me, not only did I not eat last night, but I’m starving for more than just Luke right now. He laughs at the noise, pulling back and asking, "Breakfast?"
I glance at the clock on the microwave; ten, before turning back to Luke. "Mmm yeah, some toast would be great, thank you."
He kisses me again, before turning us back towards the counter. With an arm still draped around me, he grabs the loaf of bread from the counter and throws some into the toaster. He then pulls out the coffee which has just finished brewing and pours two cups, pausing only to ask me, "Black?"
I smile at him as I feel a blush creep onto my cheeks. "Yes, black for me thanks."
We both spoon sugars into our coffee and Luke butters us a pile of toast. It all feels incredibly natural and normal and I love the easy movements, the constant feel of his arm around me. Eventually we head back to his room, loaded with food and caffeine.
"Can I put some music on?" I ask, as he puts everything beside his bed and sits down.
"Of course, anything you like Ash."
I find something on the phone he’s docked in a speaker, before turning and stopping in my tracks at the sight of Luke sprawled on his unmade bed in nothing but a pair of sweats. He is so beautiful. And I’m not at all embarrassed when he catches me checking him out. Instead I just walk over to the bed, crawl between his legs and lean back against his bare chest as he sits against the bed head. Luke wraps an arm around me again, lacing our fingers together, presses a soft kiss to my neck and hands me a cup of coffee.
We sit in silence for a while, until eventually Luke asks, "Were you ok when you first woke up this morning?"
I guess he did notice, but I answer, "Yeah, just took me a second to work out where I was." Smiling, I look up at him, my head resting on his shoulder. "I can’t believe you let me sleep on you, how long had you been awake for?"
I watch as he places a kiss, lightly on my nose. "About an hour I guess, but honestly, I could’ve lain there all day Ash," he whispers.
"An hour," I ask, shocked it was that long. "Shit, I hope I didn’t snore or anything."
Luke laughs softly. "No, no snoring," he says. "You were very cute though."
"Why, what did I do?"
He smiles at me, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Oh you know, all these sexy little sighs, your arm tightening around me. It was all very adorable," he continues, laughing at my now obvious embarrassment. "Like I said, I could’ve lain there all day with you like that."
I cover my face with my hand to hide my blushing. I’m embarrassed, but it’s more than that. It’s my response to sleeping with him. It’s the complete lack of nightmares and the total contentment as I lay there in his arms, sleeping on his chest. It’s all the things we did last night and again this morning. It’s the things I saw in the mirror earlier and his words to me right now. It’s all of that, and so much more.
Luke gently pulls my arm down so I have to look at him, taking the coffee from my other hand at the same time. "Please don’t be embarrassed Asha," he whispers, sliding his hand into my hair and pulling me closer. "You are incredibly beautiful and very, very sexy." His words are a low rumble in my ear and the kisses that follow, trailing along my cheek to my lips, take my embarrassment away. They take my breath away, so all that’s left is me melting in his arms, me in heaven and me never wanting him to stop.
Sometime later, both of us are breathing harder and I can no longer remember what I was embarrassed about. Turning, Luke presses his lips to my neck, kissing and gently nibbling my skin. I feel his arms tighten around me as he whispers, "Mmm, definitely beautiful and sexy."
My eyes squeeze shut as I try desperately to stop the smile that now wants to break out all over my face. As Luke lifts his head and looks down at me, I open them and give in, unable to stop it. He smiles back before leaning down to softly kiss my lips.
"Do you believe me now?" he whispers.
My smile gets bigger as he keeps up his kisses, covering me in them as he rolls us over so I now lie on top of him. I lift my head and his hands gently smooth the hair back from my face, cradling my cheeks as he stares up at me. His blue eyes are intense as they watch me and I can’t tear my gaze away from him.
Swallowing, I say quietly, "Well, I think it’s you who makes me this way Luke."
I watch the sexy smile that curls at his lips and at the same time, feel my heart do a slow, lazy flip inside my chest. As he lifts his mouth to mine, I can feel every hard ridge of his stomach and chest as they rise up to meet me and my heart starts flipping a little bit faster in response.
"Good," is all he says, before softly kissing me again.
Neither of us has to go to work, so we don’t leave his bed for the rest of the day.

By the time Jared comes home, Luke and I are curled up together on the couch watching TV. I’m lying half on him and still wearing his clothes, while Luke’s arms are wrapped around me, one of his hands hidden under my t-shirt, resting against my bare skin. I look up when the front door opens, but Luke doesn’t move, just gently tightens his arms around me as he calls out. "Hey man, how are you?"
"Hey," Jared says as he walks into the living room, glancing at me, "Hey Ash."
"Hi," I answer back, smiling warily at him. I’m not sure what I’m expecting from Jared either, but as I lie here watching Luke and Jared discuss last night, Jared telling Luke his guitars are at Ben’s, at how drunk the two of them had gotten, I’m surprised at how normal it all feels. I don’t know if I expected Jared to say something or make some comment about us suddenly leaving last night or about me still being here, but I did not expect him to say nothing at all. To act as if me lying here on the couch, in their house, wearing Luke’s clothes and wrapped all around Luke, is just completely normal.
"Anyway, I’m going to bed, massive hang over still, Ben is a f*cking demon when he brings the whisky out. See you both in the morning."
I can only say, "Yeah," as Jared wanders off. When his bedroom door shuts, I turn to Luke and ask, "He doesn’t care if I stay here, he won’t mind?"
Luke just smiles at me. "No of course not."
I lean my arms on his chest, raising myself up so I can look him in the eye. "You’re sure?" I ask.
Luke leans over and grabs his phone, hitting some buttons before he shows it to me. As I glance at the screen, I see a text from Jared.

Stayin at Ben’s – have fun!
C u 2morow nite

And then a response from Luke, sent sometime this morning.

Thanks J
Ash is gonna stay some more, that ok?

And a last text from Jared.

Of course – she can stay as long as she wants
Song was wicked ;)

I don’t know what to say. I look back up at Luke who’s watching me like he’s not sure what my reaction will be. I’m surprised by both the relief and the absolute happiness I feel right now. It’s definitely not what I expected.
Eventually Luke says, "Ash, you okay?"
And all I can say back is, "I think we should go to bed too."
Laughing now, Luke pulls me towards him. "Oh you do huh?" he whispers before kissing me.
I realise then, he hasn’t stopped touching me all day.
And I realise how much I love that.
I don’t ever want to leave.
∞

A week after their concert, I’m still at Luke’s house. Every morning when I’ve woken up and we have to go to work, he wraps his arm around me, walks me to my apartment first and says, "Pack some clothes, stay tonight?"
And I can’t help but smile at him and answer, "Yes."
I no longer wake up each morning so afraid. Instead, I wake to fingers moving gently over my bare skin. When I open my eyes, I see Luke is already awake and when I whisper to him, "Can’t sleep?" He just smiles as he silently drags me closer to him, kissing me deeply, so deeply. And suddenly I can’t sleep anymore either. Every morning I’m woken by his touch and his smile and it slowly starts to take some of my fear away.
Seconds, minutes and hours turn to days, nights and weeks, all spent with Luke. We tell no one at work of what’s happening between us and we both enjoy the secret. I’m certain they all see what’s circling around us though, the magnetic force pulling us like gravity towards each other.
All day I struggle to keep my hands from touching him.
He teases me, making it hard by sneaking in soft touches along exposed skin, leaving me tingling. He finds me amongst the shelves of books to whisper beautiful words and place a secret kiss on my neck that has me melting. He follows me into the cold room to wordlessly kiss me senseless, so I have to stay in there for a few minutes after he leaves, just to get my breathing back under control.
And in the evenings, I keep going home with him.
We lie on his bed while he plays his guitar and writes words for his songs. We talk endlessly by the moonlight or watch movies curled together on the couch. He cooks dinner for me and we eat together, often with Jared too, talking and laughing. They both laugh when I attempt to cook dinner for them. We sit in darkened cinemas barely seeing the screen. I go with him and watch the band practice. They all know of course. They’ve known since before it even started.
And all night, I never stop touching him.
I trace the lines of his tattoos in a way that I know distracts him. I run my hands over his smooth, warm skin. I kiss him now, making him breathless. I lie there listening to his heart beat and I’m still so hungry for him. I feel more alive than ever.
And every night I fall dreamlessly asleep in his arms, waking to hear his heart beat still.
∞

Towards the end of July, Mia calls from Chicago. I’m still at Luke’s place.
"She has a house at the Cape," Luke says. "Someone from her work, they can’t go anymore. She wants to know if she comes out, will we go there with her."
"We?" I ask with a smile on my face.
"Yeah we," Luke says smiling back at me, his fingers playing with my hair.
"So she knows about us?" I ask, teasing him as I slip my fingers into the front pockets of his jeans and pull him towards me.
He blushes and it’s adorable. "Yeah she knows about us, is that okay?"
I remember back to the things she told me at their show. How she knew what Luke felt, how she said it was obvious to everyone but me. How she seemed happy about the idea of the two of us. I laugh, sliding my hands around his waist, under his t-shirt and pulling him into a hug. "Yeah it’s okay with me."
"So we’ll go?" he asks wrapping his arms around me, his lips pressing kisses to my neck.
"We’ll go," I answer breathlessly, already distracted by what he’s doing to me.
A week later, we pick Mia up from the airport and drive straight down that afternoon. Me, Luke, Jared, Steve, Pete, Ben and Mia. We all pile into Ben’s van and drive out there. The house is amazing, sitting right on the beach and with enough room for all of us. On our first night there, the guys are cooking food on the barbeque while Mia and I make salads and get drinks.
"So I guess you finally saw him then, hey Ash?" Mia says to me.
"Huh?" I say, looking up at her.
"You and Luke. You finally saw him too?" She says gesturing to me and then outside towards her brother.
As I look out at Luke sitting on the deck, I smile, watching him laugh with the other guys while strumming on his guitar. I don’t notice Mia come up to me until she puts her arm around my waist. "It’s really good you did Ash, really good," she says quietly.
"Yeah," I say still watching him. "I’m very happy, he makes me very happy." And I am. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time.
Mia squeezes my waist before going back to chopping tomatoes. "So I guess the song worked then?" She casually asks.
I turn to look at her and she laughs at the look that must be on my face.
"Yes, yes I know about the song Ash, who do you think gave him the brilliant idea," she says smiling as she continues to chop. "He’s been crazy about you forever you know, and he just didn’t know how to say it, how to let you know or do it in a way that, I don’t know, wouldn’t freak you out," she continues shrugging her shoulders, as though the whole thing is obvious. "So I told him to just tell you, the best way he knows how – music. It’s who he is, it’s what he knows."
I blush now, thinking back to that night. To how perfect it was, to how perfect it’s been since.
Mia laughs again. "And you know," she continues. "He’s really, really happy now too. The way he is with you, well I’ve definitely never seen him this happy before."
"Who’s happy?" Luke asks as he comes inside and wraps his arms around me from behind.
I sink into him, my whole body falling back against his. I’m more than just really happy, I think to myself, as Luke bends down to kiss the top of my shoulder. Much more.
Mia just laughs. "You two," she says throwing a dish cloth at both of us.
I feel Luke’s arms as they tighten around my waist. I hear Luke as he whispers in my ear, "How can I not be with you." My whole body shivers and I turn in his arms, standing on my toes to press a kiss to his lips. A sigh escapes me as his warm hands move across my back, under the tank top I’m wearing and over my bare skin. I feel his fingers as they trace a path up my spine. I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him against me. I just want to disappear with him, but we reluctantly pull apart as Jared comes in and tells us. "Right, food’s ready, so keep your clothes on you two and let's eat."
Mia is laughing at us again and I suddenly realise they’re actually still in the room. I feel myself start to blush and bury my face in Luke’s chest, embarrassed that we’re so oblivious to everyone else. He laughs softly and pulls me tighter against him, whispering in my ear that we can continue this later, making me blush even more.
After dinner, we all head down to the beach. Ben, Steve and Pete build a fire which we all sit around, drinking and talking. I notice for the first time how much attention Jared pays to Mia.
"I think someone has a bit of a crush," I say quietly to Luke.
"Mmm?" he asks, leaning forward to rest his chin on my shoulder. I’m sitting between his legs on the still warm sand, resting my back against him, my arms on his raised knees.
"Jared and your sister," I say, looking over at them.
"Oh yeah," he says softly, kissing me just behind my ear in a way that causes a breath to catch in my throat. "He’s had that for ages."
"And Mia?" I ask. "What about her?"
Luke puts his arms on mine, linking our fingers together as he wraps our arms around my waist. "Yeah I’m pretty sure the feeling is still mutual, I mean they were actually together for a while. But it was ages ago and I don’t fully know why they broke up, neither of them likes to talk about it. I think she’s reluctant to do something again, partly I guess because he’s my best mate and partly because she lives in Chicago now."
I turn my face to Luke. "Really, but you wouldn’t care, right? I mean did you, when they were together before?"
He smiles at me, pressing a kiss to my lips this time. His blue eyes look so dark in the firelight, but I can see the intensity in them when he looks at me. It makes my heart skip a beat every time. "Nah of course not, if I didn’t think he was good enough for my sister, I wouldn’t be friends with him in the first place."
I smile and kiss him again. This is part of why I like him so much. That he’s so amazing and has such amazing people in his life. I feel so happy to be part of it right now. So happy, that I don’t even worry about all of the bad stuff I know is still inside me. I can’t think about it, I don’t have room for it when Luke is around. He makes me forget about all of it.
"Maybe I should say something to her?" I suggest.
Luke laughs a little, tightening his arms around us. "Good luck," he says, before kissing me again.
The next day we all hit the beach, armed with food and drinks and spend the whole day swimming and lying on towels under umbrellas. It’s the most perfect day which we all spend together; laughing, talking, eating, drinking and having fun. I feel deliriously happy right now. I haven’t felt this good with other people in what feels like forever. I can’t believe I’ve gone without this in my life. That I honestly thought I could. For the first time in a long time, I just want to capture and hold on to this moment.
The day is so warm and I love the feel of the sun on my skin. I ask them all questions; about how they met, how long Steve and Pete have been together, when the band formed. They tell me so many stories; answer all of my questions without smothering me in theirs. Luke laughs when he tells the story of how Steve first came to be in the band.
"We’d advertised for a bass player," he starts.
"And in walks this tough guy," Jared continues nodding at Steve, who is possibly blushing a little, now he knows where this story is going. Pete is smiling because he definitely knows and clearly finds it amusing.
"And the first thing he says is; ‘just so you know, I’m gay. If any of you have a problem with that, then I may as well leave now’," Luke continues, laughing even more.
I look over at Steve who’s smiling now. "And?" I ask. "What was their reaction?"
"This one turns to me," Steve finishes gesturing towards Ben, who is shaking his head laughing, "And says, ‘yeah but can you play a f*cking guitar?’" And they all crack up laughing and I can’t help but join in.
It’s amazing to watch them. They’re all such good friends, so obviously close yet they talk so openly in front of me, willingly accepting that I’m now a part of their group too, just like Mia. And they really love to tease Luke about me.
"You know we forced him to have that party, just to get you to come over. He’d been talking about you for ages, ever since he met you. We had to do something just to help the poor bastard out," Jared says laughing. "Of course that dickhead messed things up a bit, but at least you came, you really made his night by doing that."
I turn to Luke who is blushing a little now and it’s so adorable, I can’t help but smile at him.
"Yeah and the night you came and watched us play, your boy here couldn’t wipe the smile off his face for the rest of the week," Steve continues, nudging Luke with his foot.
"Oh, but what about the night we ran into her and dragged her out to watch Damien’s band," Ben says laughing. "Christ, Luke was f*cking mental after that night."
I’m laughing now too, but when Jared continues with, "Yeah but then there was "that night" and "that song"," doing the quotation marks with his fingers. "You know the one I mean Ash," he says with a smile on his face. "He definitely hasn’t stopped smiling since that night. Of course; there’s been a lot more happening besides just smiling!"
Now I’m blushing because I know exactly what he’s talking about. He lives with Luke and he knows I’ve spent every night there since the first one. I blush because I’m supremely embarrassed he knows this, despite being extremely happy and it’s not until Luke pulls me into a hug and says, "Hey leave my girl alone," that I finally laugh too. They are teasing both of us, but it’s friendly and I know they mean well. And really, deep down I don’t mind it at all.
Because what I realise now, is just how long this whole thing has been going on for. Just how long Luke has felt this way, felt this way about me. At how much he doesn’t care who knows and how much he doesn’t try to hide it; from them, from me, from anyone. But most of all, what I realise is how much he chose to keep trying, even after everything I did and everything I said. Even when my anger and fear pushed him away, he was still there, waiting for me. I’m amazed and elated he would do that, that he would still want me after everything I did. And I can’t help but smile when I realise all of that. I look over at Mia as I sit wrapped in Luke’s arms and find she’s watching us, smiling at me, like she knows exactly what I’m just working out in my head.

In the late afternoon, Luke drags me into the water, pulling me to him. I wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me against him. It feels amazing. The cool water lapping at our sun warmed bodies, his hands on my bare skin, my legs around his waist, his lips kissing my freckled shoulder. The others are all on the beach far enough away, but I still want more. As I pull myself closer, I hear Luke groan as he gently bites my shoulder and kisses a trail up my neck. My head falls backwards as breathing normally suddenly gets a lot harder.
"I think we should head back," I hear him whisper, when he reaches my ear.
I tighten my legs around him. "Do you?" I ask, my voice catching as his fingers dig into my back.
"Yes," Luke moans as he walks me out of the water.
We grab our things, Luke telling the others we are heading back and will get dinner started. I hear Jared laugh as he says, "Yeah right, you watch, they’ll both be smiling at dinner tonight."
I hear the others laugh too, but I don’t care. I just need to get somewhere alone with Luke. Right now. We leave a trail of our things from the front door to the shower, Luke pulling me under the warm water as soon as I lock the bathroom door. My body is screaming to get close to him, even now. I feel my skin ignite from his touch, as soon as I press myself against him. My heart races as he wraps his arms tightly around me, kisses my ear and whispers hoarse words that I barely hear, but sound like words that should scare me.
I groan but say nothing.
We don’t come out until the water runs cold.
The rest of the week passes by, one perfect day after another. We do nothing, just spend it together. Days on the beach, all of us relaxing in the sun and evenings cooking dinner together, laughing and talking around the table. Nights I spend alone with Luke, just the two of us wrapped around each other, still unable to get enough of each other. Both of us still constantly hungry, still touching, still tasting. And both of us falling into a deep sleep, only to wake up and do it all over again. It feels like the most perfect dream is being repeated over and over and I don’t ever want to wake up.
On the last day we are here, I wake early and for once, Luke is still sleeping. I lie beside him just watching him, a rare chance for me and I just want to remember this single perfect moment forever. Because as I watch him, I marvel again at how it all seems too good to be true; him, us, everything and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about it all, what I’m supposed to feel for him. If those words I thought I heard him whisper to me, were even real.
The only thing I do know is that I want to hold onto him, hold on to us, more than I’ve ever wanted to hold onto anything. And I’m trying really hard not to let that scare me.
I watch as my hand involuntarily sweeps lightly over his soft hair, almost as if I’m proving to myself that he’s real. I watch my fingers as they trace his eyebrow, his cheekbone and his jaw. I see his slow smile appear as my finger runs over his lips. "Hey," I whisper when his eyes open. His irises are almost hidden, the early morning dawn darkening them, but as they watch me, I know I could so easily fall into them and never leave.
I feel his hand as it slides under the sheets and around my waist, lighting my whole body on fire. His fingers dig in as he pulls me close to him and my skin is singing from his touch. Luke rolls us over, his body pressing me into the bed, blanketing me in his skin, his warmth, his smell. He smiles again, whispering, "Hey beautiful," and sending me flying, as everything inside of me slowly flips over. I want to hang on to this so badly.
Then he kisses me, softly, slowly and I’m drowning again, drowning in him, in us. And I don’t care. I know I could stay here forever, in this single moment with him, and be completely happy. It scares me, how easily I find myself doing this, scares me, how much I want him, how much I want us. It terrifies me that I could lose it.
His hands brush my hair back, cradling my face as he lifts his head and looks down at me. I watch him as I run my fingers lightly up his back before trailing them slowly down his sides. I see the change in his eyes, the sexy smile that appears on his lips.
"You are the most beautiful sight to wake up to," he whispers to me, his eyes darkening again. I smile as my fingers continue to move over his warm skin, my own body coming alive as I touch him. I pull him back to me and kiss him again.
No matter how scared I am though, I can’t seem to stop. I know I’m falling. Falling and falling and falling and I don’t even care. I’m in trouble, I should be afraid, and buried deep inside of me, that fear is there, alive and kicking, wanting to get out. But right now I’m not letting it, I’m pushing it further down and holding on to all the other feelings instead. I can’t ignore them anymore. I don’t want to ignore them. He’s all I want and I just can’t get enough of him.

Later that day when everyone is awake we head to the beach one last time. I decide to talk to Mia about Jared. We’re walking along the sand while the guys try to catch waves. When I ask her, "What’s the story with you and Jared then?" I smile as she blushes. So it isn’t a one sided crush after all.
She ducks her head as she says, "There is no story, not now anyway."
"So why don’t you make one?" I suggest.
Mia links her arm through mine, "Because he’s Luke’s best friend."
I laugh. "So, Luke wouldn’t care, doesn’t care actually."
She looks at me. "You’ve talked about us?" she asks, her cheeks getting redder.
I can’t help but laugh again as I tug gently on her arm. "Maybe, but like a smart person once said to me Mia, it’s pretty obvious to everyone."
"Shit," she says. "Shit, shit"
"What’s wrong, why don’t you do something? You obviously really like him and he clearly likes you. He’s a really nice guy."
She smiles now. "Yeah I know he is."
"So?"
"Ahhh, I don’t know, it’s complicated!" she says frustrated. "A part of me thinks I shouldn’t because of Luke, but another part of me is scared, of doing something about it, especially after so long, after everything that’s already happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to lose him as a friend if it doesn’t work out. Plus, there’s the little issue of me living in Chicago."
"Minor details Mia, minor details. And from what I hear, it worked once, so surely it can work again. There’s nothing that can’t be overcome for the sake of true love."
"Spoken from the woman who is in love of course," Mia responds pinching me.
I suddenly stop walking, Mia pulling on my arm as she keeps going. I feel as though I’ve just been hit with a sledge hammer. I feel as though my whole body just stopped working and then everything inside me started up again, only at ten times the normal speed.
And that’s when it hits me.
I am.
I am in love.
With Luke.
I am in love with Luke.
My hand comes to my mouth as a shocked noise escapes. My heart is racing as I stand here, watching the water run up to our feet and back out to sea again. I watch my toes as they slowly sink into the wet sand and I wonder; how is it that I didn’t see this coming? How did I not know this was happening?
"Ash?" Mia asks quietly. "Are you alright?"
"I’m in love," I say back to her, not thinking about the words I’m speaking out loud.
Mia just laughs, pulling me into a hug. "Of course you are you idiot, you both are!"
∞

Tonight we’re home alone, and Luke decides he wants to show me how to cook. After my previous attempts at cooking him dinner, he jokes that I could use some help. He’s right, but I’m not sure if what we end up doing is going to change that.
It’s nearly the end of summer now but the evening is still warm. All the windows in his apartment are open and we are both barefoot in jeans and t-shirts.
Ever since our trip to the Cape, things between Luke and I have only intensified. Neither of us has said anything. Those three words I said out loud to Mia remaining unspoken to Luke. But I’m sure of it, sure that things are different now. For me, it’s as though every feeling and thought I have about him is magnified. How he only has to look at me for my heart to start pounding. How a single touch from him gets my blood racing. How he is all I can think about night and day, even when he’s lying right there beside me.
He has to know what he’s doing to me.
Luke puts some music on and smiles at me as he pulls me into the kitchen to begin. I don’t know why he chooses to teach me how to make tiramisu when I’m supposed to be improving my cooking skills, but it turns out to be one of the most passionately charged experiences I’ve ever had.
He shows me how to make it without using a recipe. The whole time, he stands behind me with his arms on either side of me. His hands are on my hands, showing me what to do with them. We dip biscuits into a mixture of coffee and alcohol, our fingers covered in the liquid. He lifts a finger to my mouth, running it along my bottom lip, coating it and asks, "Do you like the taste?"
I lick the mixture off. It is delicious. Luke gently bites my ear lobe and my eyes close as I feel a shiver run through my whole body. He is delicious.
He shows me how to combine the cream, sugar, mascarpone and alcohol together. His hand is holding mine on the spoon, his other hand resting on my stomach, his fingers teasing at the waistband of my jeans. I dip my finger into the mixture and ask him if it tastes ok. We both groan as he takes my finger in his mouth and I feel his hand pressing tighter against my stomach, which now feels like it has fallen to the floor.
He’s standing behind me, his front pushing hard against my back, his arm around my waist holding me tightly against him. I can’t help but press harder. I can’t help but rub my body against his. I hear him groan softly again and feel his lips as they move down my neck. We drop the spoon and both of his hands slide up under my t-shirt and over my bare skin. My head falls back on his shoulder, my eyes close. His lips come down to mine and his fingers tease me as we kiss. Eventually I can’t stand it anymore and I turn to him. His arms slide down and he lifts me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. Never stopping his kisses, he walks me out of the kitchen.
The lesson is abandoned.

He has to know. He has to know.
∞

He is perfect.
We are perfect.
Everything is perfect.
I want it to stay perfect more than I ever thought possible.