I Love You to Death

Extrasensory perception, commonly known as a sixth sense
∞

Playlist:
1. A modern myth – 30 Seconds to Mars
2. Fall at your feet – Boy & Bear
3. Infinite arms – Band of Horses
∞

Being alone is now a fact of life for me. When I was a kid, back when the teasing was really bad, all I ever wanted was to just be left alone. All I ever wanted was to be able to run and hide from everyone. Live in make believe worlds where I could escape the reality of the one I lived in. A place where everyone was nice to me, where I didn’t have to worry about being shy, where I didn’t have to worry about anything, especially people dying.
Of course now I’ve been forced into some kind of exile, I wish for the opposite. I crave human interaction and I crave human touch.
I want to have friends again. I really want my family back. I long to be in love and have someone love me back. I want Sam here; I want to have Sam love me again.
But none of that can happen now. And I know it’s part of why I was so angry yesterday. It’s the reason for who I am, the way I act and for so many of the things that I’m forced to do now.
It’s funny the things you wish for.
When you get them, you never want them anymore. And you’d do anything to take them back.
∞

I haven’t looked at my emails since I sent that message to Luke last night. There are six more sitting unopened in reply from him now. I don’t want to know, don’t want to see what he might have sent back to me. I don’t want to know what he’s thinking, what he thinks about me or any of the things Liam said. What he thinks about any of the things I said in the stupid drunken email I sent him last night.
I’m so pathetic.
I call in sick to work today. I don’t want to be around anyone, I want to wallow alone in my own self-pity, but most of all I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
Because today is my birthday. Today I’m twenty-six years old and I’m all alone. It’s now six months since Sam died and it’s the most alone I’ve ever been in my life, because now, I have absolutely no one. I’m so completely alone and I feel so incredibly lonely, all the time. I wish I had the courage to end it, to give up and find a way out of all this shit. I really wish I could just make this all stop.
I’m so tired of being angry all the time, so tired of pushing everyone away and I’m so tired of being alone. So very tired of everything, but especially being me.
Last night when I finally got home after the day from hell, I drank myself into oblivion, eventually passing out fully clothed on top of my bed. I obviously didn’t shut the blinds because it’s the early morning sun that somehow finds its way into my room and wakes me up today, wakes me before the nightmare even has a chance to. A pounding head ache and a mouth that feels like the bottom of a bird cage are what greet me. Happy birthday Ash I think to myself, one of your best.
I spend the morning in bed reading Sam’s letter and sleeping. I don’t cry anymore because I know it won’t change anything, won’t bring him back. Besides, I don’t think I have any more tears left inside me now. Instead I re-read the words he left and wonder if they will ever change how I’m feeling, whether they will ever change anything at all. The paper is so worn, the creases blurring some of the words he wrote, a small hole in the centre from folding and unfolding it over and over again. One day it will completely fall apart and then I will have nothing of his to read anymore.
Around lunch time I finally drag myself up and into the shower. I know I need to go out and get food before the stores close. I don’t want to go anywhere, but it’ll be easier if I just go now, before it gets too busy. In any case, I really need to get more alcohol after last night’s effort, because I know I’m going to need it again tonight. I need it right now in fact.
When I come back though, Luke is sitting on the floor beside my front door. Next to him are a pile of boxes.
"Hey," he says to me, smiling a little as he gets to his feet, juggling the boxes in his arms.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, putting the key in the lock and half blocking the door.
"I heard you were sick," he answers, his tiny smile still there. "And I bought you these," he continues, holding the boxes out to me now.
"I don’t want any company," I say, pushing past him and into my flat. My so-called apology from last night is apparently forgotten. His foot stops the door though, as I try to close it.
"Ash…." he hesitates. "I know, okay. I know it’s your birthday today. And ah….I don’t think you should be in here alone. Not today." The smile is gone now, replaced with a look that might be half sorrow and half pity.
As I stand there looking at him, there’s a mixture of anger and sadness churning inside me. I want to tell him to leave. I want to open my mouth and scream at him to go. I’m angry that he’s here, but it’s anger because he knew to come, not because he’s standing here at my front door. I don’t want to need him and I don’t want to need him today especially.
But more than that, I really don’t want to need him at all. I don’t want to be that kind of person, the kind who can’t survive without having someone be there for them. Because no matter how much I might want it, I don’t want to need it. It seems so pathetic, makes me feel so pathetically useless.
It hurts being so alone, but I can’t let him see how much I want him here, how tempted I am to just let myself try. To let myself need him, just a little. I can’t risk it, I can’t risk him and I definitely can’t go through it all again, because that’s the part that hurts the most.
But nothing comes out. Only a defiant tear, which insists on making its way down my cheek, just when I thought I didn’t have anymore left. Luke sees this and without saying another word, he pushes his way into my apartment, puts his boxes on the floor, does the same thing with the bags in my hands and pulls me into his arms.
Again.
And again, it seems I’m helpless to stop it.
As I stand there wrapped in his arms, for some reason the only thought that enters my head is that Luke is in my house. That’s it. How does he even know where I live? Once more, all I feel are his arms holding me against him. Once more, all I can smell is him. And once more, I find myself crying into his chest, making a complete fool of myself.
We stand there like this for ages, neither of us saying anything. It’s just my tears and Luke’s arms wrapped around me and I don’t know what the f*ck is going on anymore; with me, with Luke, with anything.
Eventually it’s Luke who breaks the silence, whispering in my ear words I hadn’t ever expected to hear, words I never knew could even help, words that have absolutely nothing to do with today.
He whispers that Liam is gone now, he won’t be at work ever again and everything will be okay. He whispers that I will be okay and I won’t have to see him again. Everything will be alright now. He whispers that it’s okay for me to feel this way, he understands, that I can talk to him if I want to, if I need to. I wonder if he even knows what I’m really feeling. Even I don’t know what that is any more.
All I do know is that standing here in Luke’s arms, feels so incredibly comforting. Standing in his arms, feels warm and safe, even with his mouth at my ear and his breath on my skin. But then he says nothing more. He just gently strokes my hair until I stop crying.
Eventually I have to pull away. "Sorry," I whisper, not looking at him. "I’m sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for Ash," he answers softly, pushing my hair back from my face and gently tilting my chin, making me look at him. There’s no pity on his face now, no sorrow either. He just looks as if he wishes he could do something to make it all go away. "Go and wash your face, then come back and see what I’ve brought you."
He smiles softly at me as he tucks my hair behind my ear. The tiniest shiver runs down my spine in response and I can only nod, before walking into the bathroom to do as I was asked.
As I stand at the sink, I look at the tiny heart drawn on the mirror. It’s almost gone now, barely visible anymore. Days, weeks and months of shower steam slowly working it off. I don’t want to redraw it because then it would stop being something Sam had put there and become something I’d drawn. Instead I have to slowly watch it fade from my life.
Just like him.
I wonder when he drew it, and I wonder why I never noticed it until he was gone. Did he know? Did he somehow know he was going to die all along and if he did, why the hell did he stay with me?
Did he want to just slowly disappear from my life like the stupid heart he drew on my mirror? I can’t believe that and I can’t watch it either. So without thinking about it, I reach out and wipe the last remaining bits off the mirror with my thumb.
Now it’s gone. Just like Sam. And I don’t feel any different.
I wash my face and dry my hands before quickly dragging a brush through my hair. I look like I’ve been crying but the damage isn’t too bad and despite knowing it shouldn’t matter, I’m glad. When I come back out, I see Luke has put my bags of groceries in the kitchen and picked up the boxes he bought and is now laying whatever’s inside them, out on the table. As I come closer I see they are cupcakes, lots of cupcakes in lots of different flavours.
"What’s this?"
He looks at me with an expression that says, are you seriously asking me this?
I raise my eyebrows at him and shrug. I like that we’re both now acting as though me crying all over him again, is not an issue we need to discuss. I’m glad that what happened yesterday between us is over; gone, washed away like the tears I just washed down the drain. I’m relieved he seems to be so readily able to forget that I was a complete bitch, to him especially.
"These are your birthday cakes," he says, waving his arm over the selection. "I don’t know which flavour is your favourite, so I baked you one of every sort."
"You made all of these?" I ask him, momentarily shocked at the effort he’s gone to, for me.
"Uh huh," he replies cautiously. "I did."
"Shit Luke, that’s a lot of cupcakes," I say quickly eyeballing the table in front of me. "And each one is a different flavour? This must have taken you forever?"
"Well there are twenty-four here and at twelve per tray, I guess I made just over two hundred. But, yeah, I didn’t think you’d want that many and we do need to sell some in the shop," he says, a little more relaxed now.
"You made two hundred cupcakes?"
"Yep," he answers, smiling. "But these twenty-four are all yours, so where do you wanna start?"
Standing here looking at him, I just don’t know what to say. I wonder how he even found out it was my birthday today. How he’d known I would be home alone. How he’d known to come over, how he even knew where I lived? How he could even bear to talk to me at all after the way I treated him yesterday. I don’t know how he knows to do any of this. How he always seems to know.
"I think I’m going to need a coffee and you to help me with all these," I suggest quietly, amazed at what he’s done for me.
"Nope, they’re all yours," he says. "I’ll take the coffee, but I’m only eating what you don’t like."
Without another word, he moves into the kitchen and starts to make coffee and I’m immediately struck by how easy he makes this all seem. Ok, so he’s a chef and he knows his way around a kitchen, but it’s something else, something so weirdly comfortable about seeing him in my kitchen. As he reaches for the cups and acts as though everything is all so totally normal, I have to look away. I’m not going to start crying again and I’m definitely not going to start imagining a possibility I know I can’t have and shouldn’t even be thinking about. Instead I take in all the cakes, looking over the rich chocolate, the vanilla, the red velvet – my mouth watering in anticipation. I love all of the flavours he’s made me.
In the end, I only manage six before I have to stop. I try offering half of each one I eat to Luke, but true to his word he just shakes his head and says, "Only if you don’t like it." What can I say, they are delicious, I wasn’t giving them up.
"Why aren’t you cooking somewhere else?" I eventually ask him, lying back on the couch and feeling like a giant cupcake myself. "I mean you can seriously cook and are wasted just doing the stuff we serve at work?"
Luke just laughs now. "Wow, a fan of my music and my cooking, thank you," he says draining the last of his coffee.
"Luke I’m serious, those cakes are so good, and really, you are wasted in that place." Surely he can see that, "And you didn’t answer my question."
"Yeah...." he says running his hand over his head like it’s no big deal, as he puts his mug on the coffee table between us. "I’ve tried those other places, restaurants and that. But the hours are shit and I had no life. I work when everyone else is having fun and spend it getting yelled at by some pissed off a*shole. Here I’m working regular days, am my own boss, can play in the band at night and I work with great people. All of this makes me happy, so why change?"
I look at him for a second, wondering if there’s more he isn’t telling me. I think there is, but I, of all people understand his reluctance. Discussing my own past is not something I willingly do with anyone. In any case, deep down I sort of admire him for just doing what it is he loves, regardless of what anyone else thinks. That he just does what makes him happy and it’s as simple as that for him. He might be a little stubborn at times, especially if today is anything to go by, but I think it’s only because if he believes in something or wants it, he just fights for it.
I wish I had the courage to live like that.
I smile at him, understanding a little bit more about him now. He’s definitely different to what I expected when I first met him, but it’s in a good way, a really good way.
"Yeah I guess that does make sense," I eventually say to him, smiling now.
"It does to me," Luke answers, smiling back at me. "So, what are we doing for the rest of the day?"
∞

Seth was twenty-four when he decided to sign up for the army. My dad was proud of him. I was really angry with him. I didn’t want him to go. I was too afraid of losing him, afraid he would be sent off to war where he would be killed. I begged and pleaded, but he just said it was something he had to do, something he really wanted to do. He didn’t know how to explain it to me, but he almost felt like he needed to do it. When he met Lara, I thought maybe that would change his mind. But it didn’t, he still signed up and then got sent off to basic training.
Lara was his first serious girlfriend. I won’t lie; my brother was a huge flirt. He loved to chat up girls and would often have a different one after him each week. He wasn’t mean to them, never strung them along, he just made it clear he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He was kind of like that with everything in life. Just out to have fun, to live life and do whatever it was he wanted to do. I think it drove Dad crazy at times, his lack of direction, as Dad liked to call it. But to me, it was just Seth being Seth, enjoying whatever came his way for as long as he could and never really worrying about it when it was gone.
Which is what made his decision to sign up for the army, and his desire to get serious with Lara that much more surprising, to me anyway.
Lara was from Florida originally, but had come to study at Brown. Seth met her out one night when he was crashing the bars that college students used to frequent. This was his hunting ground I guess. But when he met her, he really met his match. I don’t think he expected a woman to treat him as he had treated girls in the past. I don’t think he expected her to be so happily casual with him, able to have fun with him and then walk away as though he meant nothing to her. Naturally this made him want her even more. And she made him work for it.
Watching Seth during this time, I had to laugh. He was so pathetic, pining after her, calling her, trying to convince her to go out with him. Sometimes she would, but always in a group situation. Now Seth was the one being played and all he wanted to do was get her alone. It really was pretty funny to watch.
The first time I met her was when Seth had a party at home. Dad had gone away for work and although he’d said, "No parties," to Seth, I knew it was inevitable.
Seth was pretty cool about having one though, and he told me, "You can come along Smash, as long as you don’t tell Dad."
"You know he’s going to find out right? You never clean up properly."
"Maybe you can help me?" he asked smiling.
I crossed my arms as I stood there looking at him, pretending to think about it. "Maybe if the price is right?" I answered in my most serious voice.
Seth grabbed me in his arms, tickling me as he said, "You drive a hard bargain little sis."
Of course we had the party and this is when I finally got to meet Lara. My first thought when I met her, wow, she’s gorgeous. Second thought, she really could be perfect for my brother. Third thought, he doesn’t stand a chance.
I remember watching him follow her around all night. He was pathetic, even I could see that. She wasn’t exactly being mean to him but she certainly knew he wanted her and she was definitely having fun with that. I couldn’t help but admire her for being this way. For knowing that Seth wanted her, but not immediately being in to him like every other girl always was. For making him work for her, prove himself to her. It made me think she was pretty cool and exactly the sort of girlfriend Seth needed. I hoped underneath all that she was nice too.
Eventually Lara came over to chat to me and that’s when I discovered what she was really like.
"Hey, it’s Ash right?"
I looked up from the camera I was playing with to see Lara standing in front of me. Seth had described her to me, had been talking about her all day actually, but it was his reaction when she’d first showed up tonight that really gave away her identity. My brother really was pathetic when it came to this girl.
Lara smiled at me and I quickly smiled back before looking at my hands as I answered, "Yeah."
"I’m Lara, nice to meet you," she said, coming over and standing next to me.
"You too," I said, quickly flicking my eyes up to hers again before concentrating on the camera I was holding.
"Are you a photographer?" she asked me.
I couldn’t stop the tiny smile at her assumption. "No, I don’t really know anything about it," I said quietly. "I kind of just try things out as I go."
Lara’s hand reached out to the camera in mine. "May I?" she asked.
I silently handed it to her and watched as she expertly flicked through the buttons, looked through the view finder and adjusted the lens.
"It’s a very good camera," she said, handing it back to me. "I can show you a few tricks some time if you like?"
I looked up at her in shock as I took the camera back. Lara just smiled at me before walking over to the fridge to get another drink. As she reached in to get one, I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders.
"Smasha, what are you doing hiding out in here?" Seth asked me, planting a kiss on the top of my head as he pulled me against his side.
I shrugged in response and looked back towards Lara as she stood there watching us, closing the fridge door behind her.
"Oh, hey Lara," Seth said, surprised to see her. "Have you met my sister?" he continued, still keeping an arm around me.
Lara smiled at Seth then as she answered, "Yeah, I have. We were just talking photography."
Seth looked back at me and I shrugged again in response. Knowing how much he liked this girl, I decided to try and help him out a little. Turning to Lara I took a deep breath before saying, "Seth’s the one who gave me this camera."
I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder and I knew it’d been the right thing to say. Lara walked back towards us, standing opposite Seth and I, and I watched as she took in the sight of me still standing in my brother’s hug, Seth making no move to step away or take his arm from my shoulders. I watched her smile as she seemed to acknowledge this, like Seth had just passed some test or something.
"Well, I was saying to Ash, that I could show her a few tricks with it sometime, if she wanted me to."
"You’re a photographer?" Seth asked surprised.
Lara laughed a little. "Well not a professional or anything, but I’ve done some courses over the years. Really though, it’s much easier if someone can show you, rather than sit through a bunch of lectures. Maybe we could all go out sometime and I’ll show you some of the things I’ve learnt?" Lara said, turning back to look at me now.
I felt Seth tense beside me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I could almost hear the telepathic messages being beamed inside my head. Turning, I looked up at him and smiled, resisting the urge to playfully punch him, before turning back to Lara. "Sure, that’d be really great Lara, thanks."
Six days later, Seth and I picked Lara up and together we all headed down to Newport for my first photography lesson. Seth was beyond excited and had spent all week being extra nice to me thanks to my role in getting this to all happen. Even though he wasn’t actually alone with Lara, I think he figured with only me there he stood a better chance. I guess because she was paying attention to his family, he thought she was also paying attention to him. I think he was probably right and I’m pretty sure Lara knew exactly what she was doing when she suggested this. When we parked the car and got out, Lara suggested we walk along Thames Street first, just to have a look for somewhere to start. Seth, doing his chivalrous best, asked us if we wanted coffees to take with us. And as he headed off to buy them, Lara turned to me and said, "So I guess you must know, your brother’s been trying to get me to go out with him?"
I smiled back at her as I said, "Yeah, he’s not exactly subtle about these things."
Laughing, Lara asked, "So what do you think I should do?"
I’ll be honest, I was surprised. Surprised she would ask me, but even more so that she would care what I think. "You’re asking me?"
"Yeah Ash, I am," she said still smiling at me.
"Why?"
"Well, I’ve seen the way he is with you. You’re the number one girl in his life. I mean, it’s obvious he adores you, so I’m asking what you think."
If I wasn’t sure I liked her before, I definitely knew I did now. And I definitely wanted her to go out with Seth. Anyone who would care what I thought, like she did, had to be a good thing. "I think you should go out with him," I said confidently. "I think you should put him out of his misery and I think you won’t regret it."
She stood there smiling at me as I said all this, before she surprised me even more by asking, "And you’d be okay with me going out with him?"
And it was in that moment with that one little question that I knew what Lara was really asking me. She wanted to know if I was okay with her becoming the number one girl in Seth’s life, would I be alright sharing my brother with someone else now. Realising this only made me like her even more, so without thinking, I reached out, put my arm around her waist and said, "Lara, I would love it if you went out with him."
Laughing, Lara wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Okay then," she said and together we walked slowly down the street as we waited for Seth to come back.
After Seth caught up with us, the three of us spent the afternoon together. Lara teaching me loads about photography and lining up shots, the rule of thirds. Seth finally relaxed too, enough that he could talk to Lara normally, without trying so hard anymore. It’s almost as if he knew she’d made her decision now and it was just a matter of time before it happened. And at six o’clock, as we headed back to the car, I smiled as I watched Lara, who was walking beside Seth, silently reach out and take his hand. Seth held hers tightly and wrapped his other arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. Quickly, so she wouldn’t hear, he leant down and whispered in my ear, "Thank you Smash, for today." I could only smile in response.
And after that day, they were officially a couple. Seth was so unbelievably happy he’d finally gotten the girl he wanted. I was happy because now, I had a big sister who would talk to me, hang out with me, was nice to me. I remember asking her much later on why she’d finally changed her mind about him.
Lara just smiled as she watched Seth chatting with Dad as they cooked some steaks on the grill, before turning to me. "I think it was seeing the way he was with you that did it," she said.
"Huh?" I asked, confused.
Lara turned to me now, "Seeing how much he loved you Ash, and how protective and caring he was towards you. I’d say that pretty much sealed the deal for me."
And it was right then that I understood how Seth had fallen in love with her, because I loved her too. She became the sister I never had and despite how close she and Seth were, she never took him away from me or felt threatened by our relationship. And I was right about her and Seth, because they were perfect for each other and Seth did change for her, completely changed. Suddenly he was the perfect boyfriend, completely devoted to her and never even looked at another girl again. Dad and I were amazed at the change in him, but we both loved it, because we both loved Lara, she was perfect for him. I’m not sure if Lara ever regretted it though, especially after what happened in the end.
Of course that wasn’t Seth’s fault.
That was mine.
∞

Luke hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon. We listened to music, he kicked my butt at scrabble multiple times and we watched a bunch of crappy TV. I watched as he made himself at home in my apartment and I’ll admit, it helped, having him here. I stopped thinking about how shit my life was for a fraction of a second and he made me laugh enough to feel something closer towards real happiness. Somewhere along the way I also managed to eat more of his cupcakes.
"I like these photos you have Ash," he said to me at one point in the afternoon. "Did you take them?"
"Yeah," I say, watching him look at the pictures I’d put up on the walls. Various pictures of landmarks, streets, beaches and other sights from in and around Providence and Boston. Pictures of Sam; pictures of me and Sam together. "I used to play around with it, but I never took any lessons. I’m not sure I’m any good."
Luke turns to look at me. "Yeah you are Ash, they’re really great."
Again, I find myself smiling at him as he turns back to look at my photos. There’s something slightly surreal about Luke looking at pictures of Sam and I, but there’s no point hiding it, he must know. I don’t know what I’d say to him anyway, I can’t even bring myself to tell him who taught me to do all this. But, just for a second I do let myself remember all of the trips Lara and I made, especially when Seth was away. God I’d loved having her for a sister and for some reason, it makes me happy that Luke actually thinks my photos are good, because it was her who taught me how to take them.
By the time darkness falls however, it’s started to snow, and that gets me thinking bad thoughts all over again.
Luke somehow senses the change in me immediately. "You wanna talk about it?" he asks.
I look at him, just shake my head and flick through the channels on the TV. "Want to watch a movie?" I eventually ask, glancing at my watch. "Or I guess you probably have somewhere else you need to be?"
Luke looks outside, before turning back to me. "No, nowhere else. You have any beer though?"
Grateful, I smile before going to the fridge to grab some, glad I’d stocked up after my bender the night before. "Pick something out," I call as I pop the tops on two beers.
When I walk back into the living room, Luke is looking through my collection. As I stand there watching him look through something Sam and I built together, I force myself to take a deep breath. You have to move on Ash I try telling myself, seeing how it sounds in my own head. Sam’s words are in there too, telling me to live, be happy. I want to, I really do, but I wanted to do that with Sam. I wanted it to be Sam who was picking a movie out for us to watch tonight.
"Geez Ash, bit of a vampire fetish?" Luke says smiling as he takes the beer I hand him, breaking my train of thought.
I shrug, "What can I say, I love vampire flicks."
I smile as I hear him murmur, "Well at least there’s no Twilight in here." Eventually Luke chooses the first in the Blade trilogy, holding it up he asks, "You want to start with this?"
"Sure," I smile at him. "Good choice."
We end up watching all three movies. Sometime during the second one, we both hear noises from the street and the sound of fireworks across the city, people celebrating everywhere. I glance at Luke. He just smiles back at me before grabbing a handful of chips from the bowl between us. Neither of us says anything. We just go back to watching the movie and I’m very glad.
I was born on New Year’s Eve. I was born on the last night of the year, the first night of my life and the last night of my mothers. My birthday was always a nightmare, not just because I shared it with the biggest celebration the world insisted on having. It was a nightmare because it killed my Mom and it was a nightmare because in the end, it was also the reason my brother and Lara died. It’s something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my birthday, every year I hate it and it has absolutely nothing to do with me getting another year older.
Turns out though, Luke is very easy to hang out with and he’s definitely very funny. Nothing like Sam, but that’s a good thing. He’s actually a lot like Seth and it occurs to me that they would’ve gotten on really well, had they ever had the chance to meet each other. When we finally finish watching the movies, I see it’s now well after midnight and there is a definite snow storm going on outside. Probably ruining a lot of people’s night.
"Guess I should make a move," Luke says as he pushes up off the couch.
Something inside me makes its way into my stomach and twists. Fear.
"I don’t think you should go out in that Luke," I say quietly. "Why don’t you just stay here for the night?"
He looks at me, a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I’m sure."
Luke nods in agreement, taking my statement without any more explanation. I grab him some pillows and a blanket for the couch. I feel relieved that for tonight at least, he will be okay.
I help make up the couch for him to sleep on and hand him a spare toothbrush. As I head to my room, I stop just as I reach the door. "Thank you Luke," I say, turning back to face him, to meet his eyes. "Thank you for today."
"My pleasure," he whispers. "Goodnight Asha."
He says nothing else and as I fall asleep, I realise that once again Luke has made me a tiny bit happy. Today of all days, he’s somehow found a way to make me happy.
∞

Seth ended up serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. He survived them both.
Although Seth was six years older than me, we were still very close. He’d known my mother for six precious years until I came along and my favourite thing in the world when I was growing up was asking him what she was like. He always told me the same things.
"You look just like her Smash," he’d say, using my nickname and pinching my cheek to hide the fact he was trying to tell me he thought she and I were beautiful.
I would giggle at him but deep down I loved it. I loved that even without her, I could still carry a small part of her with me. That by looking in the mirror I might learn who she was. I often thought about how hard that must have been for Dad. To see his wife in the daughter who caused her death. But he’d never let me believe it was my fault. He’d always said, "These things happen Asha. I miss her everyday, but I’m so grateful I still got you."
I wanted to believe him and for years I did.
When Seth died I was completely devastated. At the loss of the last member of my family. At the fact he could survive two wars yet be killed when he came back home. But most of all, at the fact he’d died because of me. Not only had I killed my brother and his fiancée, but also their future, their plans and all of their dreams.
Dad had died about six months earlier and I’d been asking Seth if he and Lara would come to Boston for Christmas, begging them to come and spend it with us. In the end they both agreed and I was beyond excited. I wanted him to come home. I missed him, but more than that, I needed him. I still had Sam of course, but I needed my brother, my family. I didn’t want to go through that first one without him.
When they flew in, Sam and I had our own place and they came to stay with us, crashing on the couch. I can remember when they first showed up. The knock on the door that Sam made no move to answer.
When I opened it, there they were, just standing on the other side smiling. "Merry Christmas Smash," Seth said, wrapping me in a hug and picking me up. He was tall like my dad and could easily lift me off the ground.
"Hey," I squealed with delight. "I thought you weren’t getting in until tomorrow morning?"
"Nah, bit of a lie that was, wanted to surprise you!" Both he and Lara were clearly delighted at my obvious shock.
I turned around and saw Sam smiling. "You knew about this?" I asked him.
"Of course," he said as if it was no big deal, even though he and I both knew it was. I pulled him towards us, hugging all of them and feeling happier than I had in a long time.
Eventually Seth said, "Okay should we dump these bags and hit the town?"
I reluctantly let him go. I’d missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since Dad’s funeral when he’d had to leave town almost straight after. We went out that night to a local pub down the road that Sam and I liked to visit. It was one of the best nights I’d had in a long time. Just the four of us having a great time with good food and a lot of laughs. I couldn’t stop hugging Seth, I was so happy to see both him and Lara.
After Christmas had come and gone, they were supposed to go. They both wanted to try and catch up with friends for New Year’s in San Diego. "You don’t want to just stay here," I asked again, repeating what I’d been saying ever since they first arrived. "Stay and spend it with us."
Seth stood there looking at me and just smiled.
"What?" I asked confused.
"It’s already done," he said. "We changed the tickets weeks ago." He laughed when he saw my reaction and I was never more grateful. I knew what both of them were giving up for me. They had so little time together or with their friends. I knew it was a big deal for them to stay on with me, to know I would need them this year.
By the time New Year’s came around, a snow storm had hit the city. It was pretty wild and they were closing more and more streets to traffic as the plows couldn’t cope with the combination of party goers and snow. Most people were walking anyway, no chance of getting a taxi. We went to a party someone from Sam’s work was throwing. It was a great night. We rang in the New Year and partied until 6am. By the time we staggered home, all of us were drunk and the snow was still falling. What should have taken us fifteen minutes took over an hour. But we didn’t care.
We all crashed for the day and when we woke sometime in the afternoon, Seth and Lara were already running late for their flight. The snow was still falling and a lot of the trains weren’t running, so they’d have to get a car to the airport.
"The plane probably won’t even take off," I said to Seth, a hangover pounding its way into my head.
"Yeah you’re probably right," he answered. "But we still need to get out there and get something sorted."
"When are you coming back?" I asked. "Will you be back soon?" I was already missing him and he hadn’t even left yet.
He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and barely open. "How about summer, we can come back then. Maybe we can head out to the Cape or something?"
I gave him a hug, standing on my toes to tell him, "Thank you Seth that would be perfect."
"Of course Smash, we’ll get it organised."
When he finally found a car company that would take them to the airport, they packed their bags and I waited downstairs with them.
"Thanks for a great couple of weeks Ash," Lara said. "We really had a great time."
I smiled at her. "Thank you for staying on. Really, I appreciate it more than you can know."
Lara pulled me into a hug, "Anytime Ash, you know that. Send me some of the photos you took."
"I will, definitely."
Seth smiled sideways at us. "Come on my turn."
Lara and I said our goodbyes and then I wrapped my arms tightly around Seth. "Thank you," I whispered. "I love that you would stay here for me this year."
He tightened his arms around me whispering, "Aw sis, you really don’t have to worry about that. You’re my baby sister and I mean it when I say I’d do anything for you."
I pulled him into a tighter hug. "I know that Seth and it just makes me love you even more," I said quietly.
When the car eventually showed up, I reluctantly let Seth go. The last thing I remember is his big goofy smile as he waved at me from the back seat of the car, blowing me a kiss as they pulled away. I watched as the two of them drove off, Seth turning back in and wrapping his arm around Lara and pulling her close to him. I went back inside with a smile on my face, despite the pounding in my head.
They told me they died instantly.
The roads were covered in ice from the previous night and the snow was still falling. An SUV they said, from out of nowhere, just as their car was leaving the tunnel and turning towards Logan. An SUV, which was travelling too fast on ice-covered roads and ploughed into Seth’s side of the car, forcing it against the safety barrier and crushing them both.
They didn’t even give him a military funeral. Not killed in action, they said. Sam argued with them. He tried to sort out everything for me. I didn’t fight it, I just couldn’t. All I cared about was my brother. All I cared about was that my brother was dead and I was never going to see him again.
We buried him in Providence a few days later. It was freezing, the ground frozen solid as I laid him to rest, right beside my mother and my father. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go back there again. Lara’s family had her cremated, but they let me bury some of her ashes with Seth. It was the first time I’d seen her family since the engagement party and it was agony. And in the end, it was her parents I gave the photos to, some final reminders of the last days of their daughter’s life. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since that day.
Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.
My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.
∞

I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.
I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.
I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.
Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.
Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.
I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.

A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.
"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.
He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.
"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.
"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"
That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale. What am I doing, I ask myself.
"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I am doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.
Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.
"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"
I didn’t expect him to come to my house first. Didn’t expect him to come at all. I smile back at him as I answer, "Sure, let’s go."
We walk in silence to the cinema. It’s one of those older ones that occasionally screen movie marathons to try and get people to come back. It doesn’t have the best screen, but it does serve popcorn with real butter melted on it. Not the crap they serve in those mega complexes.
When we get inside I turn to Luke. "Something to eat, drink?" I ask.
He looks at me like he’s about to say something, but before he can I tell him, "I’m getting it, you bought the tickets." I don’t want this to be like a date.
He holds up his hands, smiling. "Ok thanks, coke and popcorn would be great."
I smile back at him and go and buy our stuff.
Inside the cinema we are two of only a handful of people. Luke automatically walks to the row of seating behind the wall they have to divide the front and back sections. My favourite spot.
"Ok?" He asks.
"Perfect," I say back.
We both take our jackets off and sit down, we both put our feet up and we both avoid the arm rest that sits between us. I don’t take it and neither does he.
Half way through the first movie though, we somehow both move our arm at the same time. Both of us are now resting on the arm rest between us. Both of us are pretending to ignore the fact that our arms are side by side and touching. Even though I know he’s twice held me in his arms while I cried all over him, this feels very different. We’ve both done this and we are both choosing to keep our arms there. Touching. I spend the rest of the movie half watching it and half feeling the heat along the side of my arm. Waiting for Luke to move, wondering if I should. In the end, neither of us does until the movies finish.
They only show the first two, but it’s late when we come out. We’re standing outside the cinema facing each other. We both speak at the same time.
"Do you..."
"You want…"
Luke smiles, "You go."
I smile back. "Thanks for tonight Luke, for the tickets, for coming along." That’s not what I was going to say before.
"Thanks for inviting me," he says to me. I don’t think that’s what he was going to say either.
We stand in silence again. Watching each other.
Finally I speak, "You ah….you want to grab a drink or…um, something to eat?" I turn away at the end, somehow unable to keep looking at him as I make this suggestion.
Luke moves so he’s looking right at me, bends down so I have to see him as he answers, "Yeah, I would Ash. That’d be great."
We walk in silence for a block or two until we come across a bar which has a live band playing. Both of us stop and turn to face each other. Smiling Luke says, "Here?"
Again, I smile back. "Yeah, here is good."
We go in and find ourselves a table. We grab something to eat, we have a few drinks and we listen to this band. Luke tells me he’s never seen the third movie. I tell him it’s actually a prequel and while not as good, still relevant to the story and now there’s a fourth one out too. He says maybe we should watch them sometime. I surprise myself when I agree with him.
And here tonight, all of those email conversations we’ve had suddenly become real life. All of those easy online chats suddenly become easy to have face to face. All the shit that happened with Liam and then with Luke afterwards, is forgotten. I’m not sure how this has happened, but suddenly it has. Suddenly we are acting like friends.
Nothing more happens tonight, nothing more than us talking and me somehow having a good time. Later though, when I’m back home, I realise what has really happened. I’ve been distracted by the simple act of going to the movies and grabbing a drink afterwards. I’ve been distracted from my shit life, by something that is just so normal. And it was all because of Luke.
I wonder if he even knows what he’s doing to me, if he even realises how much he’s affecting me. And I wonder why I’m letting any of this happen. Everything would be so much easier if it could always be like this.