The Summer I Learned to Dive

Chapter 14

My mother left me a message telling me that it was time I came home, that it wasn’t my decision to make anymore. I deleted it immediately. I knew I could not avoid her much longer, but I still wasn’t ready to talk with her. There was no sense in it — she felt the need to shelter me from two loving people who are the only link to my father even if my father was still a mystery to me. I tried to get my grandparents to divulge more about him, but most of their comments were vague and short answers to my questions.

I heard Nana and Jesse talking downstairs. I looked at the clock, it was a little before nine. He was more than punctual. I took a quick shower and pulled my wet hair up into a pony tail. I came downstairs to find the three of them in the kitchen. Jesse was drinking chocolate milk.

“There’s the sleepy head,” Nana said. I smiled, but didn’t say anything.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with them. My grandfather sipped on his coffee, looking at me skeptically. He sat across from Jesse.

“Ya’ll going to Dixon State Park?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” Jesse said.

“Well, have her back before it gets dark. You don’t need to be in the woods at night, not with all the coyotes out,” he said.

“Coyotes?” I asked with trepidation.

Jesse looked at me. “They don’t come out during the day. It’s the bears we need to worry about.”

“Bears?” I swallowed. They all laughed. I looked at them bewildered. Bears are not a funny subject matter. My face must have gotten more pale than usual because Nana stopped laughing.

“Finn, we’re just teasing you,” she said trying to appease me.

“Oh, I know,” I lied, my voice nearly broken.

“No really. There aren’t any bears at Dixon,” she said reassuringly. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I listened to the three of them talk as I ate breakfast. Jesse spoke so freely to my grandparents. There was no pretending with him. I could tell that my grandfather was especially fond of Jesse. The way he acted around him, it was very paternal. I’ve never discussed with Jesse what I saw that night at the bowling abbey, that his dad was drunk. The night I was over there trying to nurse Meg, his father had drank so much he was passed out cold in his bedroom. Jesse didn’t try to cover for his father, but he also didn’t make a point to bring it to my attention either. I think he decided it is what it is—that his father is a drunk and there is nothing he can do about it. I don’t know what I would have done if I had grown up in similar circumstances. My mother rarely touched a drink; she was very straight laced and expected me to be the same way. She raised me to believe that the people who did these things were bad, nefarious people. But how can Jesse’s dad be so bad if Jesse is so good? Does his weakness for alcohol make him a bad person or just someone who is frail and can’t cope?

Jesse saw that I was in deep thought. He looked at me and asked, “Are you ready to go?”

“Sure,” I said. I stood up and took my plate to the sink, rinsed it and placed it in the dish washer.

Nana handed me a small cooler. “I thought you two may want lunch later. Have fun,” she said to us. Looking at Jesse she said, “Take care of our girl.” She wrapped her arms around me.

“I will, I promise,” he said. He took the cooler out of my hand and walked toward the front door. My grandfather whispered something in his ear and Jesse nodded seriously.

I plopped down on Jesse’s passenger seat. He turned on his CD player, jazz music blared in the background.

“Who’s this?” I asked.

“Nina Simone. She’s from North Carolina. She’s a classic,” he said.

“I like her,” I said listening intently to her soothing voice, to the deep lyrics and words of her song.

“Well, you have good taste then,” he said teasingly.

We drove the rest of the way listening to music. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the scenery. Emerald green pastures filled with yellow and pink wildflowers; belted cows and billy goats chewing on the long blades of grass; the warm tepid breeze putting everything in motion; the views of the enormous majestic mountains. The sky was cloudless and a perfect blue. The air was crisp and clean. I inhaled instantly feeling like a dog sticking its head out of the car window for a long Sunday drive but I couldn’t contain myself. For eighteen years, I had lived in the same place, with no exposure to anything different, always the same. Being in another territory, in a different environment, it made me curious. I wanted to explore more. I felt like I was home, like I was meant to be here and I questioned whether I ever wanted to leave.

We reached Dixon State Park’s parking lot. It was more of a gravel makeshift lot. There was a large sign created by the Parks and Recreation Authority warning people of bears, being respectful to the environment, and encouraging hikers to complete an information card in case you got lost. I gulped nervously when I read all of this. Jesse touched my shoulder lightly. “They have to write those things for the idiots,” he said. I didn’t feel comforted. I had never been in the woods before— hiking in Florida consisted of long walks on the coast with no bears in sight. Jesse placed the contents in the cooler in his backpack, zipped it up and motioned for me to follow him. We followed the well-marked trail.

The hike proved to be more strenuous than I thought it would be. It merely pointed out how physically out of shape I was. Studying all hours of the night did not adequately prepare me for a long walk up a mountain. We climbed up for hours. I was not able to keep the conversation flowing, wanting to savor any breath that I had. Jesse talked freely. He climbed with little effort and reached his hand out to me for the very difficult inclines. I was embarrassed. I was sure senior citizens could have hiked this trail with more ease than me.

“Let’s rest here for a while,” he said pointing to a very large rock. I looked at him puzzled, wondering how we were going to get on it. He ran up on it quickly, fluidly and with ease. “Come on, Finn, the view’s great from here,” he said standing on top of it, his hands on his hips. I stared at him incredulously. He bent over and extended his hand. I grabbed a firm hold of it as he helped lift me up. We both sat down parallel to each other. He lay down and rested his hands behind his head. I followed his lead.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Fine,” I lied.

“Because this is a pretty tough trail and you looked pale back there. I thought I was going to have to carry you,” he joked. He leaned over facing me, his elbow supporting his hand that rested under his chin. He was very close to me, which made me nervous.

“I’m fine,” I lied again. My voice sounded flimsy and weak but not from being overexerted. The closer he came to me, the more I found it difficult to speak.

He looked into my eyes. “Your eyes are really green,” he said. My reflexes caused me to instantly close them. I opened them but he was still looking at me. My face, already red from perspiration, turned even more scarlet. He smiled and lay back down next to me. I let out a breath, relieved and disappointed at the same time.

“Do you come here a lot?” I asked.

“I try to. It’s one of my favorite places to think,” he said revealing more about himself to me.

“I would come here all the time if I lived here. It’s so peaceful,” I said looking around, staring at the blue sky, watching the birds fly, and enjoying how impeccable it all was.

“I guess I take this all for granted sometimes,” he said sitting up, tying his shoe lace. “You’re helping me see it through your eyes. It’s like seeing it for the first time.” He smiled at me. “I’m going to miss coming here all the time.”

“Are you going to college far away?” I asked. He had never talked about college with me, so I assumed he wasn’t planning to go.

“No, not college. I’m going to be a firefighter and between the academy, working, plus taking care of my dad, I won’t have as much free time,” he said. He opened his backpack and pulled out a bottle of water. He took a sip and handed it to me. I took a few large gulps, still thirsty from the hike, and handed it back to him.

“You’ll be a good firefighter. You’re always coming to the rescue—for me, for Meg, for your…” I almost said “dad” but stopped myself from doing so, afraid I would conjure bad feelings. He looked down at me, his forehead wrinkled. I sat up, sitting across from him.

“And my dad. It’s okay to say it, it’s true,” his tone became serious, solemn.

“Are you staying here so you can take care of him?” I asked without thinking first.

His face became stressed. “No and yes. I have wanted to be a firefighter since I was a kid. It’s just convenient,” he said looking directly at me, “that the firefighting academy is near town. I can’t just leave my dad, Finn,” his tone more on edge.

“But is that how you are going to live the rest of your life…for him?” I asked, feeling more courageous, not afraid to challenge him.

“Who are you to judge, Finn? You’ve never walked a day in my shoes, and until you do, you don’t get to judge me,” he said loudly. He was angry with me and I didn’t like it.

“I didn’t mean to judge you, Jesse. It just doesn’t seem fair or right that you are giving up everything to take care of him. When do you get to live your life? When do you stop being his caretaker and make him take responsibility for his actions?” I asked, my voice raised.

“You can’t judge me, Finn. You have no idea what I go through and until you do, you don’t get to have an opinion,” he stated emphatically.

“I’m allowed to have an opinion, Jesse. You just don’t want to hear it because I may just be right,” I said sternly, confident in my feelings. Nothing was said for a long time. The silence was excruciating. I wondered how long it would go on like this; worried things were going in another direction entirely.

Finally, he spoke and said, “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m living my life, Finn. I live it every day. Sometimes in life you have to make some sacrifices for people you love. In this case, I just need to stay in town which isn’t much of a sacrifice really. I couldn’t imagine myself living anywhere else.” His lips curled into a faint smile. I tried smiling in return. He could feel the tension and discern my feelings.

“Okay,” I said feeling more at ease, more assured. He didn’t seem as angry. He was right, though, I hadn’t walked in his shoes, but it was still hard for me to understand. It didn’t seem right that he was sacrificing so much. It wasn’t right and deep down he knew it or else he wouldn’t have responded so defensively. How long did he plan to live his life this way? I wanted to ask him that question but decided to let it go for the time being.

“How about we finish this hike?” he asked changing the subject. He extended his hand and grabbed a hold of mine. We stood inches away from each other.

“Sure,” I said. I followed his lead and continued hiking promising myself not to broach the subject of his father.

***

The waterfall was more stunning than I had imagined it would be. It was enormous, several stories high. It was so tall that my neck strained just from looking up at it. We gingerly walked on slippery rocks that filled the pool of water that the waterfall fed into. Jesse led the way toward a dry rock big enough for the two of us to sit on. He sat down immediately taking off his shoes. He stuck his feet in the water and exhaled. “It’s nice and cold,” he said. I took off my shoes and stuck one toe in the water. It was cold, terribly cold. I instantly jerked my toe out of the water. He laughed.

“It’s really cold,” I said.

“Yeah, but it feels good.” He moved his feet around in the water, his toes wiggled. “Just plop them in the water. Don’t over think it. If you do it slowly, you’ll never get them in,” he said.

I dropped my feet into the water without hesitation. They instantly felt numb.

“Give it time,” he said noticing my yearning to want to remove them. I kept them in and discovered the cooling waters were soothing and were definitely a welcome given how hot it was outside. “See,” he said, always noticing me. It’s like he could read my mind. He never missed a beat. “How come you never visited Charlie and Lilly before this year?” he asked.

“That’s a very long story,” I said.

“You don’t have to tell me unless you want to,” he said sweetly, earnestly.

“No, I want to,” I took a deep breath. “I haven’t visited my grandparents before this because I didn’t really know they existed.” He leaned forward, his eyes intently focused on mine. “What I mean is I thought they didn’t want anything to do with me. That’s the way my mom made it seem anyway. She led me to believe that we were estranged all this time.” I shook my head in disgust. “I was rummaging in her closet and found a stack of letters they had been sending me since I was a little kid,” I said, my eyes watering. I knew that tears would soon form and flow down my face. It was only a matter of time.

“So, when I confronted her about it, she didn’t have much of a defense, only that she was trying to protect me. I have no idea why she would need to protect me from them, though.” A single tear fell from my eye. Jesse took his thumb and wiped it off my face. It was both sweet and intimate, very intimate, like we had just shared the most private moment two people who like each other can share. My insides did a belly flop. My emotions were a wreck. I couldn’t get a grasp on containing myself. Talking to him about what my mom did, about her lying to me was hard enough. Having him in such close proximity to me and touching me so intimately was even more difficult.

I took a deep breath, trying to get some air back into my system. “When I found out that they wanted to know me, I bought a bus ticket and left Tampa in the middle of the night,” I admitted. He looked at me with raised eyebrows.

“That’s brave,” he said.

“Yeah or crazy, I don’t know which,” I laughed. “I showed up telling them I had just found out after all this time that they wanted to know me. They welcomed me with open arms,” I said. “Well, Grandpa was skeptical at first.” Jesse and I both laughed thinking of Charlie’s head strong disposition.

“I don’t understand why your mom kept them from you,” Jesse said.

I shrugged. “I don’t either. They’re good people. It makes me resent her for what I’ve missed out on. They could have been a part of my life all this time,” I said becoming angry.

“It doesn’t do you any good to resent people, Finn. That anger you feel for her will continue to fester and will eat you alive,” he said.

I sat with my knees pressed against my chest, my arms wrapped around them.

Jesse took out the sandwiches Nana had made and handed me one. We ate in silence, enjoying the natural sounds around us. I felt relaxed. The sound of the waterfall flowing into the pool of water was soothing, almost trance like. I finally felt like speaking.

“It’s really beautiful, Jesse,” I said.

“I love being here. This is where I go to think, to get away from stressful things,” he said. “Sometimes it’s hard living with an alcoholic,” he said openly and unabashed.

“I’m sorry,” I couldn’t think of any other consoling thing to say.

“Don’t be. He’s been a drunk since my mom died. The irony is my mom was killed by a drunk driver,” he said looking directly into my eyes. “Wouldn’t you think that’d make him detest the sight of alcohol? He’s just not strong enough to deal with the fact that she’s gone,” he said almost desperately with a pained expression.

I reached over to hug him. I held onto him feeling his warmth. He held me tight as if he were too afraid to let go. I raised my head, looking up at him, into his blue eyes. He stared down at me and moved closer to me, so close that our lips touched. He softly kissed me, tenderly and with so much care, as if I were a fragile package he didn’t want to break. His arms were still around me. His hands grasped more firmly onto my back. My breath was nearly taken away. Every nerve in my body was aware of his proximity, of his touch. This should have been my first kiss, not the sloppy unwanted kiss I had with Dylan. My stomach was torn into knots. My heart beat rapidly. I thought it might walk itself off my chest and into his palms forever. He moved his hand to my face and gently brushed his fingers against my cheek.

“You are so beautiful, Finn” he said looking into my eyes. I felt lost in his eyes, transfixed. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he admitted. I blushed, embarrassed but I don’t know why. There was nothing embarrassing about the fact that he liked me as much as I liked him.

“I’m glad you finally did,” I said. There was no lying with Jesse, and if this was the beginning of love, then I was game.

***

The hike back didn’t feel rushed or difficult. We held hands the entire way, stealing glances at each other, enjoying the moment, the euphoric feeling. It felt natural and normal, as if it was the way it had always been. We talked about our hopes and dreams. He was so smart. He knew so many random facts, things that most people couldn’t even begin to know or understand.

Our drive back was too quick. I wanted to spend more time with him, to get to know him even better. Every moment we spent together felt exciting, electric, and new. It felt like I was alive for the first time. I had never felt this way for someone before, but I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to grab a hold of it and cherish it.

We arrived at my grandparents’ house. The air was thick and humid. He parked his car in their driveway and turned the engine off. I started to unlock my door. “Wait,” he said placing his hand on my shoulder. Goosebumps instantly formed on my entire arm. Every touch from him gave me the shivers. I gave him a questioning look. “Finn,” he said. He cleared his throat. “I had a good time today. I really like you,” he said, his tanned cheeks showing hints of red.

“I like you a lot, too,” I said. I reached over toward him and quickly kissed him on the lips. He ran his fingers through my hair. We stopped kissing and looked at each other. My face felt hot. I blushed at the thought.

“Your hair is really soft,” he said still rubbing his fingers through it.

I couldn’t say anything. Just his touch alone made me dizzy. He got out of the car and opened my door. We walked toward the front porch holding hands, enjoying the silence. The night was quiet. The glow of the moon allowed me to see the outline of his body. His hand held on tightly to mine. I wanted to tell him that this was the most perfect day that I had ever had, that I couldn’t imagine having a better day. But all I could muster was, “I had a lot of fun today. Dixon Park is beautiful,” I said staring at him, seeing the outline of his perfect face.

He put his arms around me and hugged me tightly. He kissed me for a sweet and long minute, then released me. “It was a great day,” he said grabbing my hand walking with me toward the front door. We said goodnight. He told me he would call me tomorrow. I opened the door and walked inside, instantly feeling full of dread at what I saw standing before me.