The Summer I Learned to Dive

Chapter 18

Jesse had worked with my grandfather long enough that he knew exactly how to run the diner. He was perfectly calm and coolheaded. It was as if he had worked there his entire life. Meg and Hannah were just as helpful. It was as if my grandfather wasn’t even gone. I felt the loss, though. I knew he wasn’t there. Every time I looked into the kitchen and only saw Jesse, my heart hurt. I hadn’t realized until the night of his heart attack that I had gotten close to him, that I loved him as much as I did. He had become important to me in the short time that I knew him.

We sat at the counter, eating bowls of chili. It was one of the hottest days of summer, yet the chili was soothing. It was comforting.

“Do you think we could go and see him?” Meg asked.

I swallowed my chili. “It should be okay,” I said.

Hannah put her arm around me. “He’s going to be alright, Finn. He’s one of the toughest people I know.” She smiled at me reassuringly.

I smiled at her, appreciative that she was trying to comfort me.

“He’s definitely tough,” Jesse added. “Just like you,” he smiled.

“I’m not tough,” I shook my head.

“Sure you are,” he said with certainty. He rubbed my hand and then squeezed it. Hannah and Meg noticed and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

I blushed and tried to avert my eyes from their direction. Meg hit me gently on the arm. “It’s about time!” she said out loud.

Jesse’s face turned red. He left abruptly toward the kitchen. “Geez, Meg,” I said grimacing.

“Just saying, it’s about time.”

“Meg is right, Finn. You two have been eyeing each other all this time. He’s a keeper,” Hannah said encouragingly.

“When did it happen? I want all the yummy details,” Meg said moving closer to me, nearly sitting on me.

“There’s nothing to tell,” I whispered, blushing.

“Is he a good kisser? I bet he is,” she continued, ignoring me.

“Meg!” I shouted.

“What? I can’t ask?”

“It’s just, you know, private,” I said trying to sound diplomatic.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

“It’s okay, Finn. Meg’s just trying to live vicariously through you since she used to crush on Jesse,” Hannah said. I looked at Meg confused, surprised by Hannah’s confession.

“What? That was like five years ago!” Meg said emphatically.

I tried not laughing but couldn’t help it. The three of us all started laughing. It was nice, having girlfriends.

“Meg, turn on some music. We need to liven this place up,” Hannah said.

Meg walked over to the jukebox and chose “Walk Like a Man” by the Four Seasons. They began dancing and I joined them, completely uninhibited. We danced around the diner, singing at the top of our lungs. It was fun and it helped me get my mind off things.

“Dance off!” Meg shouted above the music. I looked at her confused.

“Each of us dances alone, showing our stellar moves,” Hannah said.

Meg changed the tune to another classic, which was all that played in the juke box, per Grandpa. He believed that music after the 1960’s was crap: his words, not mine.

“Stop in the Name of Love” by the Supremes played. We each took turns dancing. When it was my turn, I moved to the music, without a care in the world. I didn’t realize that Jesse was watching me until I saw Meg and Hannah’s expressions. I turned three shades of red. We all laughed, me laughing more than anyone. I was thankful for them. They had become good friends to me. And having this moment, it helped me get my mind off of things.

“I’m sorry, we’re closed,” Meg said in between laughs.

“I’m here to pick up Finn,” my mother said. I abruptly stopped dancing and turned around to face her.

I played with my hair nervously. “Hey,” I said.

“Are you ready?” She asked trying to smile. I could see that she was nervous.

“Give me a minute,” I said. I motioned to Jesse to follow me into the kitchen.

“You okay?” he asked standing next to me, his voice a near whisper.

“Just dreading our talk,” I said. I looked at him and tried to smile. He lightly touched my face and didn’t say anything. I hugged him.

“I’ll call you later,” I walked out of the kitchen and grabbed my purse from the locker. My mother was talking with Hannah and Meg. She stopped speaking and looked at me.

“All set?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “See you guys later,” I said to them and they both hugged me, knowing it was exactly what I needed. I walked with my mom outside and got into her car, sitting in the passenger seat.

“They seem nice,” she said.

“Yeah, they are,” I mumbled quietly. I didn’t want to talk with her. It felt forced and fake.

“I know you’re still angry with me. I hate that you are. I want us to be close again, Finn, like we were,” she said. I didn’t respond. She sighed heavily and turned on the ignition. We didn’t’ speak the entire ride home.

She pulled into the driveway. I immediately got out of the car and walked inside. I had promised my grandfather that I would forgive her, but it was too hard. Everything she said felt like a lie to me. I walked upstairs to take a shower. I let the water run for several minutes, spacing out, thinking about nothing and everything all at once.

I walked downstairs. My mother was sitting in the kitchen, drinking water. She looked up at me. “Finn,” she said almost questioning.

“I’m ready to hear why you lied to me all of these years,” I said with a hint of resentment.

“Well, you’re not going to make it easy are you,” she said. She took a deep breath. I sat across from her, my arms folded.

“I met your father when I was very young. I wasn’t even sixteen. The moment I saw him, I was smitten. He was gorgeous and could do anything. He was popular, every girl wanted to date him and every boy wanted to be like him,” she said looking at me. “So when he became interested in me, I couldn’t believe it. I was shy and awkward and certainly not popular but he didn’t seem to notice.” She stood up and poured more water into her glass. I watched her, my arms folded, still angry, and still confused. “We were very much in love. We were each other’s first loves, like you and Jesse,” she said trying to smile. My face turned red, but I said nothing. “We went everywhere together, never apart for a long period of time. Neither of us could stand it. We decided to get married after we graduated from high school. I wasn’t going to college and he had decided he didn’t want to. Your grandparents weren’t happy about that. He could have gone to college on a football scholarship or on his grades alone, but he had decided he wanted to run the diner. So, we got married and lived in a tiny apartment. I worked at the grocery store and he worked at Lilly’s. We weren’t making much money but that didn’t seem to matter, we were so in love.”

“So if you loved him, why were you so vague about him all of these years?” I asked incredulously. She ignored me and continued.

“I became pregnant, one of the happiest times in my life. He was thrilled. He wanted to have kids as much as I did. We talked about having four of five actually,” she said and smiled to herself. “But then things started to change. Once you were born, his behavior became erratic. He would have these moments where he was on top of the world and everything was perfect, and then he would go through these lows, so low, I didn’t think I could bring him back. He started spending money we didn’t have, staying out all hours of the night, doing things he had never done.” She looked directly at me, pleading with her eyes. “I didn’t understand what was going on. I was desperate. I loved him, he was your father and he was acting like a stranger. He even got arrested for drunk driving. It wasn’t him. And then,” she began whispering, tears streamed from her eyes. “I came home one day and he was gone. His stuff was gone. He didn’t leave a note, nothing, no sign of where he had gone.”

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I looked at her in confusion. “I thought he died in a car accident. Did he leave us before the accident?” I asked confused, afraid I already knew the answer.

“He…” her voice scratchy from crying, “he left us. He didn’t die, Finn.”

I closed my eyes and pursed my lips. Hurt again by her lies. I felt too much pain to respond, too in shock to say anything. My father was alive somewhere.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to know that he had left us. I thought it would be easier if you believed he had died. I thought I was doing the right thing.” She stood up and moved over to me, kneeling in front of me. I sat in silence, crying.

“Why did you keep my grandparents from me?” I asked.

“I was young, scared and alone. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. When your father left me to raise you alone, I was not in my right mind. I was desperate to keep our family unit together, at any cost. I thought they were going to take you away from me.”

“Are you crazy?” I asked indignantly. “You know what,” I yelled, “if they did take me away from you would that have been so bad. At least I wouldn’t have been lied to!”

“Finn, I’m so sorry. I thought they were going to take you away from me and you were all that I had. I was nineteen, young and scared and thought that they could take you from me because I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have a mother to teach me and I was so young Finn. I didn’t know who to trust. When your father left, my world collapsed and I was holding onto a thin piece of thread just to stay afloat. It wasn’t right to keep them from you, but I thought it was right at the time. I see now I made a horrible mistake, but I can’t change that,” she said. She moved toward me, trying to touch my arm. I walked away from her, feeling bitter, tasting hatred for the first time in my life.

“They must know that he isn’t dead. Why didn’t they tell me?” I said out loud, frustrated, pleading with the sky, with something, and trying to find reason.

“They knew. They wanted to tell you and planned to if I had not shown up. They felt that I should tell you.”

I became cold and my body shook. “I need to get away from here. I can’t talk to you right now.” I moved toward the front door.

“Finn, you’re too upset to go anywhere. Please, let’s talk. We need to work things out. I love you,” she said. She held onto my arm, her eyes desperately searching for me to say something.

“I don’t know you. You are a stranger to me. You don’t lie to people you love, Mom. Don’t worry. I don’t hate you anymore, I feel sorry for you because you don’t understand what love is.” I walked outside the front door and kept walking aimlessly. She didn’t try to follow me. I called Jesse and asked him to pick me up. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do. The life I had known was a complete and utter lie.