The Summer I Learned to Dive

Chapter 19

He showed up just like I knew he would. I got into his car without saying a word. He could tell I had been crying. My face was red. My eyes were bloodshot. “Do you want me to take you to see your grandfather?” he asked.

“No.” I shook my head. “Not like this. I need to figure things out first.”

“What happened?” he asked, his eyes showing concern.

“It’s a long and twisted story,” I said in a dark tone. He didn’t say anything. He kept driving. So many thoughts ran through my head. It had crushed me to discover my mother had lied about my grandparents, but to learn that she had lied about my father all of this time that was unforgivable. My father left me, it hurt to hear, but I could accept that. A part of me wondered where he was at that moment, what was he doing. Did he have another family, another life? Was he happy? Did he think about me? I had so many unanswered questions.

Jesse pulled the car into his driveway. It was nearly dark outside. All of the lights in his house were off. I opened my door and followed him inside. He turned on a light, it was messy inside. It had not been cleaned in a while but I didn’t care.

“Sorry, I didn’t have time to clean,” he said almost embarrassed.

“Don’t be. I don’t care. At least it’s real,” I said. He looked at me confused. “Where’s your room?” I asked.

“That way, why?” He was perplexed. I ignored his question and walked toward the back of the trailer, heading to his bedroom. He followed me. I opened the door and instantly lay on his bed. I forgot about the fact that I was in his room and on his bed. Had I focused on that, I wouldn’t have been able to speak. He sat down next to me, putting his fingers through my hair, trying to sooth me.

“Finn, what can I do?” he asked.

“I just want to sleep,” I said. I closed my eyes and tried to erase the hurt, the overwhelming pain that I felt.

“Finn, just let me know when you need me,” he whispered, kissing me on the forehead. I heard him leave and walk into the bathroom. He turned on the water in the shower. I must have lain there for ten minutes, in complete darkness and entirely alone. I didn’t know how to feel or act. All I knew was that everyone had lied to me. He came back into the room and lay down next to me, wrapping his arms around my body, holding me gently. I hoped he would never let me go. I turned my body over so that my face was facing his. He looked directly into my eyes.

My voice quaked at a near whisper. “My mother lied about my father. He’s not dead; he left us when I was two years old. All this time, I thought he died in a car accident. He’s alive, Jesse. He’s out there somewhere, possibly with another family as some other kid’s dad. He didn’t want me and she made me think he was dead.” I buried my face in his chest, sobbing. He rubbed his fingers in my hair and held me tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Finn. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t,” he said. I looked up at him, my face within a few inches of his. I moved my face closer to his, placing my lips on his, kissing him. I wrapped my arms around him, my body touching his. My mind stopped working and my heart took over. My hands were all over him, touching his chest, his back. I wanted to devour him, to take him all in. When I thought he was going to stop kissing me, I kissed him harder, more frantically, afraid to let him go. I was kissing him, touching him, like it was our last time, like there was no tomorrow.

He stopped kissing me and whispered “Finn, you’re upset, we shouldn’t do this.”

“No, this is making me forget that I’m upset,” I said and kissed him again.

“Finn,” he said more resolutely this time. He immediately sat up, gently pushing me off of him. “This isn’t right,” he said.

“Why?”I asked irritated. I tried kissing him, but he turned his head.

“You’re upset. This isn’t how our first time should be,” he looked at me. I turned my face away from his, embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed. “Finn,” he said, his hand gently touching my shoulder. “I love you and want my, I mean, our first time to be something we both want and when we are ready.”

“No, it’s fine,” I mumbled, still not looking at him.

“Don’t you see that if we had gone too far, you would have regretted it? I could never live with myself if I had taken advantage of you when you are so vulnerable.” He lay down next to me, gently holding me.

I turned around facing him, distraught, but not by what had just happened. Upset by the lies, by the fact that I was abandoned by my father, by the fact that life was not perfect. I held onto him. “I love you, too,” I whispered.

It felt right to tell him I loved him because those words were true and it was the only thing I was certain of at that time. I closed my eyes and tried to forget about the day. I slept for hours. I was exhausted. I heard Jesse talking to his dad in the other room. I got out of bed, still groggy, and walked out of his room. They sat in the kitchen at the table, eating dinner.

“Hi,” I said shyly, playing with my hair. They both stopped talking and looked at me.

“Do you want some supper?” Jesse asked.

I looked down at his plate; it was filled with pasta and meat sauce. “Sure,” I said. Jesse stood up and fixed me a plate. His father stared at me for a few seconds and then sipped his beer, eating quietly.

“I guess I slept a long time,” I said seeing the hands on the clock.

“Yeah. I figured you needed it,” Jesse said handing me my plate filled with food, too much food.

“Thanks,” I said. He poured me a glass of water and handed it to me. I sipped it.

“Do your grandparents know you’re here?” Jesse’s dad asked.

“No,” I breathed. “They’re at the hospital.”

“The hospital. Are they okay?” he asked concerned.

“My grandfather had a heart attack. He’s going to get better, he’s strong.” I said trying to reassure him, but really trying to reassure myself. “If it’s alright with you Mr. Quinn, I’d like to stay here tonight.”

He looked at Jesse, searching for his approval I guess. Jesse nodded. “That’s okay so long as your grandparents know where you are,” he said.

“Finn, you probably should call Lilly,” Jesse added.

“I will. Thanks, Mr. Quinn,” I said and then ate my dinner quietly and quickly. Jesse’s dad cleaned his plate, opened another beer, and sat down in front of the TV. He was a gentle man and probably could have been a good dad if he sought treatment for his alcoholism.

I stood up, taking my plate to the sink, rinsing it and placing it in the dishwasher. Jesse stood next to me, putting away the food, cleaning the kitchen. I took my phone out of my pocket and called Nana.

“Finn,” she sounded frantic. “I’m so glad you called. We’ve been worried. Where are you?”

“I’m fine. I’m at Jesse’s. I’m going to stay here tonight. I’ll go see Grandpa tomorrow.”

I heard her breathe on the phone. “I know you and your mom talked and I know you are confused and hurting. Just know that we all love you,” she said. I tried to hold back the tears.

“I know,” I whispered.

“Can I talk with Jesse for a moment?”

“Okay,” I handed him the phone without explanation.

“Hello. Yes ma’am. I will, don’t worry,” he handed me back the phone.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. “Love you,” she added.

“I love you, too,” I said and hung up the phone.

“What’d she say to you?” I asked Jesse.

“She asked me to take care of you and drop you off at the hospital tomorrow morning before I go to the diner,” he said.

“Oh,” I said and walked over to the couch. I sat down. Jesse’s dad looked at me. “Do you want this?” he asked, the remote control in his hand.

“No, I’m fine watching whatever you are watching,” I said.

I watched TV mindlessly. Jesse sat next to me, holding my hand, sensing my mood. His dad began to snore loudly.

“Dad,” Jesse whispered. His dad continued to snore. “Dad,” he said more loudly.

“Huh,” his dad said startled. “What?” he asked confused.

“Time to go to bed,” Jesse said.

“Oh, I must’ve fallen asleep.” He got up from the recliner and stumbled as he started walking to his room. “Night, Finn. I hope Charlie gets better real soon,” he added with a slight slur.

“Thanks,” I replied. I could see where Jesse got his compassion. I had judged his father to be a lousy father, but he really was a good person who just made bad choices.

“I’m not tired,” I said to Jesse. I was wide awake.

“Me neither,” he said. “But I always stay up late.” He admitted.

“Thanks for being there for me today,” I said.

“Anytime,” he said and moved closer to me, placing his arm around me. I snuggled closer to him.

“Jesse, how would you react if you were me?” I asked.

He sat quietly for a while and pondered the question. “That’s difficult to answer, Finn. I’m not you. I wouldn’t be happy about it. I would feel betrayed. But maybe your mom thought she was protecting you,” he said. He breathed heavily and rubbed his fingers through his hair. “I can’t tell you how to feel or how to react. This happened to you. All I can do is be here for you.”

“How’d you get so mature?” I asked marveling at his sensitivity, his grown up perspective on things.

He laughed quietly. “I’m not that mature, Finn.”

“Yes, you are. I feel completely inadequate around you sometimes. Like earlier today,” I blurted and then stopped myself from saying more.

“What about today?” he asked looking into my eyes.

“Nothing,” I said trying to drop the subject, my face turning red.

“You were upset. It wasn’t the right time for it to happen,” he said quietly.

“That’s why I said you were so mature. Most guys would have taken the plunge and gone for it,” I said. “Not you, though.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry,” he started.

I grabbed his hand. “Don’t be sorry, Jesse. I was being stupid. I want our first time to be special, not hurried or rushed, especially not on one of the worst days of my life.”

“It won’t only be my first time with you. It’ll be my first time,” he confessed.

“Same here,” I said squeezing his hand. “And I can’t think of anyone else I would rather share that with than you. When the time is right, when we’re ready,” I said wondering when that would be. But at that moment, I was content not knowing the answer to that question.

“When we’re ready,” he smiled and sat quietly for a few minutes. We watched TV together, but neither of us must have been watching it. I was too busy thinking about the day, about the fact that I had a father somewhere, about my mother lying to me, about all of it. It was all too overwhelming. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. He must have noticed the tension in my face, the water in my eyes.

“So, do you want to go swimming?” he asked interrupting my thoughts.

“What?” I asked confused by the randomness of his question.

“It’s a perfect night for it. Not too cold, not too hot.”

“Where are we going to swim, Jesse?” I asked.

“The community pool. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and stood up, causing me to stand with him. He walked us toward the front door.

“The pool is closed, Jesse. We can’t,” I said abruptly standing still, trying to persuade him to stop.

He interrupted me. “So, that’s not a problem,” he said.

“What do you mean that’s not a problem?”

“It’s just not. Trust me.” He looked into my eyes pleading with his to trust him. It seemed reckless and completely out of character for him.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I said trying to bring reason to the situation.

He ignored me and almost dragged me out the front door. I kept telling him that it wasn’t a good idea, but a part of me didn’t believe what I was saying. A part of me yearned to go. I wanted to forget the horrible day that I had. I wanted to live in the moment and let the thoughts of what had been revealed to me wash away if not just for a few hours. It was risky, almost rebellious, something I had been doing a lot more of the last few months. I wondered if this was what being young was like? To be truly daring and do things on a whim, things that weren’t always the right thing to do. Was that what being young was like?

We drove through town, talking the entire time. I wanted to know Jesse more, to really get to his inner core. I asked him ridiculous questions, questions that didn’t make any sense, just things that came to the tip of my tongue. What was his favorite color? If he could be any book character what would he be? What animal did I remind him of? Did he like scary movies? I asked him things that probably sounded absurd, but he answered me and asked me the same questions in return. He was always the selfless one, always taking the time to know me — that was Jesse. We reached the pool, my heart beat frantically, my palms sweating. I was very anxious anticipating what we were about to do.

“Jesse, we shouldn’t do this.” I whispered sitting in his car. He chuckled lightly and got out of the car, opening my door.

“It’ll be fine, Finn, I’ve got a key,” he said smiling at me, holding a large golden key in his hand.

“How do you have a key?” I asked confused.

“I teach swimming lessons here.” He shrugged and unlocked the gate. He said it like it was nothing. But to me it was just another indication that Jesse was a good person, more than good, he was nearly perfect. One more layer peeled away, one more discovery.

It was pitch black outside, too dark to see anything. I couldn’t see his face anymore. I followed his lead and held tightly onto his hand. He kept walking toward the pool. The light from the moon shined on the water. “It’s like bath water,” he said, his legs in the water. “Come on in,” he motioned to me.

“I don’t know,” I hesitated, nervous because I didn’t have my swim suit. I took off my shorts, keeping my shirt on over my bra and panties, but I still felt exposed. It was silly. Jesse had seen me in Meg’s skimpy bathing suit, but for some reason I felt like he was seeing more of me. He was wearing a pair of khaki shorts. I walked into the water slowly. It was tepid. It felt good.

“What’d I tell you? The water feels good,” he said. “There’s a diving board with your name on it, Finn.” He pointed to the diving board at the edge of the pool.

“No, I’m fine floating in the water thank you,” I said.

“Oh come on. You just need a few more practice dives and then you’ll have it.” He got out of the water and walked over to the diving board. He stood on it for one brief moment and dove beautifully into the water. There wasn’t much of a splash. His dive was too perfect to cause any commotion. He swam toward me eagerly. “Come on,” he tried encouraging me.

“Fine,” I relented and walked out of the water to the diving board. The air felt cooler and more crisp. The stark contrast between the warm water and the air made me instantly chilled. I stood on the diving board, ready to contemplate my next move, but remembered what Jesse had taught me that day we dove together. I chose not to over think my dive and instead just dove right in without a moment’s thought.

“That was a good one, Finn,” he said appraisingly.

“Thanks,” I said proud of myself. “It wasn’t as beautiful as your swan dives, but it was good, wasn’t it?” I said sure of myself, confident in my ability.

“You didn’t dwell on it, you just did it. That’s why it was so good,” he added. “When you just dive right in without thinking, it’s near perfect.”

I thought about what he said. How it related to my life, to this summer. I leapt without looking. I came to South Carolina without a plan and if I never had, I wouldn’t have discovered this part of myself. The Finn who didn’t have a plan, who just went with the flow, who had various life experiences and allowed people in her life that had changed it for the better. Diving was a metaphor for my life.