The Summer I Learned to Dive

Chapter 23

When I got to my grandparents’ house, my mom was outside, sitting on the front steps of their porch. She looked like she was deep in thought. I wondered what was going on in her mind. I know she was curious about my visit with my dad.

“Hi,” I said quietly. I sat down next to her, stretching my legs out in front of me.

She was barefoot. Her long flowing skirt was pulled up to her knees. She looked relaxed. It was the first time I had seen her look this way in a while. I think she knew what I was going to say before I even uttered the words to her. It was written all over my face. I didn’t have a poker face and she knew me all too well.

She sighed and shook her head slightly. “You’re not coming back with me are you?”

“You know why I’m not going back with you, right?” I asked.

She sighed. “I know why. I’m just very selfish and don’t want you to stay,” she said. She reached into her purse, grabbing a tissue. She gently dabbed her eyes with it.

“I love you Mom but I’ve got to stay here longer and explore this part of my life,” I told her hoping she would see my reasoning.

“I know,” she said quietly, not in the mood to argue. We had fought so much recently that I think we were both too tired to argue anymore. I think we had reached an impassé.

I touched her warm hand. “It’s one semester and then I’ll start. It gives me more time to get to know my father and to help out while Grandpa recovers.”

She blew her nose and then looked back at me. “It’s not what we had planned. I hope it’s what you want.”

I knew it was exactly what I wanted. I had thought about it for days. I wasn’t willing to live for anyone else but myself from there on. “It’s what I want, Mom,” I said resolutely.

“But you’ll be behind starting so late. It seems like you are giving up a lot,” she pleaded.

“You can’t give something up if you’ve never had it. I don’t want to be a doctor. It’s what you told me to be, what you wanted. After Grandpa’s heart attack, I realized I really hate hospitals. And being around sick people makes me nervous and sick. There are other things I’m probably better suited for. I’m even thinking of studying psychology or business. I don’t know. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan but it doesn’t scare me.” I shook my head and laughed at myself, at the irony. “I want to know my grandparents and my father better. They’re a part of me now,” I said to her.

“If you gave it some time, you’d see being a doctor is a good fit for you,” she said ignoring what I had just said. “It’s what you were born to do,” she added.

Exasperated, I sighed. “Mom, it’s your plan. What you want for me. Not what I want for myself.”

“You’re not staying here because of that boy, are you?” she asked incredulously.

“No,” I shook my head. “It’s not about Jesse. We’re in love but he would never ask me to stay just for him and I wouldn’t stay here just to be with him. This is about me finding out who I am. It’s about me learning who that other half of me is through my grandparents and my father.” My tear-filled eyes looked at her. She was just as upset. Tears streamed down her face.

“You know the longer you put off school, the less likely you are to attend,” she said. She shook her head in disgust, refusing to meet my gaze.

I touched her arm, trying to get her to look at me. “I will go, Mom. I just need to wait a semester before I do.” She sighed and shook her head in disappointment. I ignored her and kept talking. “This is more important than going to Harrison in the fall. If I went, I’d be unhappy, never living life, just like before,” I said.

She looked at me confused. “What do you mean, ‘never living life’?”

“Mom, my entire youth was spent studying. I missed out on things like prom, slumber parties, and having friends. I’ve never felt alive until this summer. Now what I know what it feels like, I don’t want to let it go. You have to understand that,” I said trying to persuade her to see my side of things.

“I can’t tell you what to do anymore. I guess I’ll just have to trust your judgment, Finn. It’s your life and you’ve proven to me that you’re grown up. I just hope you know what you’re doing.” She looked at me in the eyes, searching for something. I don’t know what she was seeking. Maybe she wanted me to relent, to feel guilted into changing my mind? But I was certain about my decision, about my plans to stay. It was what I wanted and she could not change that.

“This is what I want, Mom,” I said. “Do any of us ever know what we’re doing? All I know is that it feels right,” I added.

“I’m going to miss you, Finn. It’s always been us and now you have another life that I’m not a part of. It’s not the same,” she said and frowned.

“You’re still a part of my life. It’s no different than if I had gone to Harrison.” I reached over to hug her. She was startled by my action. We so rarely showed affection like this for each other. That was something I had learned this summer, to be affectionate with the people I loved. She held me tight, as tight as she had ever held me. I let go first and looked at her. She handed me a tissue. I wiped my eyes.

“How was your father?” she asked.

“Amazing. I can tell we have a lot in common. He’ll never be completely healed, but from what I hear the medication he’s on really seems to help,” I told her enthusiastically, happy to share any information I could about him.

She looked down for a moment and quietly said, “That’s good to hear. I think about him,” she confessed to me, still not looking at me.

“He thinks about you,” I replied.

“I can’t see him, Finn,” she shook her head slightly. “I need to remember him as he was, before he left. So much has happened since we last saw each other, so many years have passed. I’ve moved on with my life,” she said.

“Oh,” I said quietly, nodding my head. Maybe they had already said their goodbyes just not face to face. A part of me thought it wasn’t enough for them. They needed closure.

She let out a deep breath and reached over hugging me again. “I love you,” she whispered into my ear.

“I love you, too,” I said.

We talked for hours, about everything she had missed that summer. As time passed, day turned into night. We moved inside to the kitchen, sitting down sharing a bowl of chocolate ice cream and talking with each other, hanging onto every story and every word like it would be our last. I felt the pressure, the weight of time pressed upon us. I knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to leave, to head back to Florida. And in her car, in the passenger seat, I wouldn’t sit. That would be the first sign of my absence, proof that I was staying. We had so much to say to each other, making up for lost time. No matter how angry I was with my mother for lying to me, she had her reasons for doing so. She thought she knew what was best, even though it hurt me in the long run. I could forgive her in time. I wanted to forgive her. Love is about forgiveness.

As the sun rose, its rays shined into my grandparents’ kitchen window. How could the bright and shining light from the sun ever be dreaded? At that time, I wished for the darkness of night because it meant I would have more time with her. I knew things would soon change. Things were already changing. A new part of my life had already begun. We walked outside, standing on the porch.

“I miss the cool summer mornings in the mountains,” she said closing her eyes and smiling, inhaling the pleasant fragrances. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

“It’s my favorite time of day,” I said. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly.

“I’ll call you when I get back to Florida.” She wiped a tear from her eye.

“Aren’t you too tired to drive back, Mom?” I asked. Neither of us had slept.

“I’m fine, Finn. I’ll stop on the way if I need to. Right now, I’m wide awake, ready to get back home.”

I reached over to hug her. She let go of me and walked toward her car. She opened the door and sat down in the driver’s seat and turned the ignition. She raised her hand and waved goodbye to me.

It was hard watching her leave. I wanted the best of both worlds, to make her happy and myself happy. There was no way to do that. I had to do what was best for me and staying in South Carolina for the time being was what I needed and wanted to do. It just took me eighteen years to figure that out.

I watched her drive away, realizing it would be a long time until I saw her again. The feeling was bittersweet. I wanted to have her with me but get to know my grandparents and father better. I knew I needed this—to stay in South Carolina and explore this side of myself.