The Summer I Learned to Dive

Chapter 12

He was tapping his fingers on the dashboard but this time he was not sitting in the driver’s seat. I looked at him bewildered. He motioned for me to get in the car. I opened the car door and sat down behind the steering wheel.

“Grandpa, why are you sitting over there?” I asked him.

“I’m tired of driving you around day after day. I’m old. I figured you could drive me around for a change,” he said.

My tone serious, I said, “Grandpa, I can’t drive a stick.”

He sighed heavily. “Just as I thought,” he shook his head slightly. “Well, guess you’re going to learn today then.”

My eyes widened. I looked at him in disbelief. “No way,” I said.

“Turn on the ignition, put one foot on the clutch and one on the brake,” he said as he pointed to the floorboard.

I looked at him then the floorboard to see what he was pointing to. I hesitated and tried to read his expression. He was serious and was not going to relent. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air but decided against it. This was one battle I would not win. I turned on the ignition, my feet pressed against the clutch and brake. The car started.

“Give it a little gas and then get ready to shift,” he said pointing to the stick shift.

I started moving, in the wrong direction. We were going in reverse. I looked at him frantically and as a knee jerk reaction, took my foot off of the clutch. The car choked and came to a quick stop.

“You have it in reverse,” he said stating the obvious and moved his hand to the gear. “Here, start her up again. Watch my hand, this is first gear.”

I looked down at his hand and did what he said. I drove a few feet; the car jerked and came to a quick stop again.

“Do it again,” he said.

I turned the ignition again, doing the same thing as I had done before. I drove slowly, steadily, afraid the car would choke.

“You need to change gears Finn,” he said unfazed. “Otherwise, we’ll be going five miles per hour the entire trip.”

I followed his instruction and tried to change gears to second. As I let the clutch out, the engine sputtered and then shut down. I wanted to bang my fists against the steering wheel. It was so frustrating. I looked over at him. He was staring out the window looking at scenery he had problem seen a thousand times. I restarted the car again. This time was better than the last try. I made it to third gear before the car stalled. I yelled something incomprehensible out loud, loud enough that he heard me. He chuckled under his breath. I turned the car on again and felt a little more confident. I was actually driving the car this time. I drove a few miles and it hadn’t choked. I felt a sense of accomplishment but those thoughts were soon gone when I remembered I had to drive on the upcoming roads toward the diner. The narrow, curvy, mountainous roads would certainly be too much for me to drive on. I tried to put those thoughts away but kept thinking about what was ahead. My stomach was torn into knots, my palms were becoming sweaty. A panic attack would ensue anytime. I kept driving, though, refusing to look anywhere but ahead. My hands both stuck to the steering wheel in two and ten o’clock positions.

“Grandpa,” I said.

“Yes.”

“Do you expect me to drive the entire way?” I asked nervously.

“Of course. How else are we going to get there?” His arms were folded against his chest. He leaned his head back against the head rest and pretended to sleep. I knew he wasn’t. He was leaving me to fend for myself.

“Grandpa,” I said, but he ignored me. I drove well below the speed limit. I was afraid the car would choke on a hill and I would end up rolling down uncontrollably, reaching an early death before I had even lived. I rolled my eyes at him in frustration which he didn’t see since he was supposedly asleep. I continued driving like an old lady. People in cars passed me. Some even beeped their horns and gave me the finger, shouting curse words at me.

My body was pressed as close to the steering wheel as it could possibly be. I don’t know why, but I thought if I sat closer to the steering wheel and held on tighter to it, I would drive better. It took twenty minutes longer to get to the diner than it normally did. When we arrived, he opened his eyes, acting like he had just woken up.

“Well, I guess you know how to drive stick now,” he said.

I looked at him in disbelief. My palms were sopping wet; my face pale. I was a nervous wreck. “I can’t believe you did that to me,” I said, my voice raised but almost out of breath.

“Finn. You had to learn. I had to make you do it on your own. That’s how I taught your father,” he said.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure he didn’t appreciate it either,” I scoffed.

He chuckled quietly to himself and got out of the truck. I closed my door and tried walking toward the diner. My knees buckled. I held on steadily to the truck and stood there motionless for a moment or two, just trying to get my bearings straight. My grandfather kept walking and turned around to look at me.

“Come on, Finn, we’ve got work to do!” he shouted. I slowly walked toward the front door. Jesse, Meg and Hannah stood there, looking at us with uncertainty.

“She drives like an old lady,” he said before walking inside.

“Thanks a lot, Grandpa.” I glowered at him.

“First time driving stick?” Jesse asked me.

“Yes,” I said, my arms folded.

He nodded his head. “Well, at least you finally learned.”

Hannah patted me gently on the shoulder. “Are you going to be okay, Finn? You’re really pale.”

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’ll be okay, thanks,” I tried smiling. It was nice of her to be concerned.

“We’re going to Lake Kiawassee tomorrow, do you want to come with us?” she asked me.

“Sure,” I said. “I don’t have a swim suit though.”

“Don’t worry about that. That’s my department,” Meg said confidently.

“We’ll pick you up around ten tomorrow,” Hannah said.

***

I made dinner for my grandparents that evening. I wanted to show them my gratitude for all that they had done for me. I didn’t know how to make anything but spaghetti but they acted like they were impressed anyway. Nana made an effort to excessively compliment the meal telling me what a great cook I was. Even my grandfather managed a compliment. I felt like I was part of their family. In the short amount of time I spent with them, I felt like there had been no distance between us, that we had known each other my entire life. But there was still so much I wanted to know about them and my father and I hoped that in time, I would learn more.

“So, you’re going to Lake Kiawassee tomorrow?” Nana asked.

“Yes. Have you been?” I asked.

“Oh, we used to go all the time. We took your father there when he was younger.” She smiled at my grandfather.

“You did?” I asked.

“All the time. It’s beautiful there. You’ll like it,” she said taking her plate and leaving the room.

“Some of the kids like to dive off the rocks and have gotten hurt. Be careful,” my grandfather warned.

“Oh, I can’t dive,” I said.

“You can’t dive?” he asked me in disbelief.

“No,” I said.

“Well that’s a shame. You should learn. Maybe Jesse will teach you,” he said as he smiled mischievously and stood up taking his plate leaving the room.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked loudly.

He and Nana walked back into the room. “He’s a really good diver. What did you think I meant?” he asked, his eyebrows arched.

“Nothing,” I mumbled.

***

Hannah and Meg showed up on time. They arrived at the front door with large bags in their hands. I looked down at them confused. “Bathing suits,” they said in unison.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs and have you pick one out,” Meg added.

They dumped the bag’s contents onto the bed and several bathing suits came out in a variety of colors, sizes and shapes. Some too small to be considered a bathing suit.

“What’s this?” I asked picking up a purple bikini the size of my hand.

“Oh, that’s probably to risqué for the lake. Jesse would love you in that one though,” Meg said.

I blushed. “What are you talking about?”

“I think you know,” she said and grabbed a lime green bikini.” This would be perfect with your complexion.” She held it up to my face. Hannah appraised me and nodded in agreement.

“Go put it on, Finn,” Hannah ordered. “Let us see.”

I grabbed the bikini and walked out of the room and into the bathroom. I tried it on and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t know what to think. I had never worn a bikini and wasn’t sure if I should. I went back into my room. Hannah and Meg instantly smiled.

“Just like I thought,” Meg said.

“What?” I asked unsure, feeling self conscious, instinctively covering myself up with my hands.

“It’s perfect,” she said. “He’ll love it.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” I asked, my face turning red.

“You really are blind aren’t you,” Hannah said and sighed. “Let’s get going. The boys are waiting in the car.”

I put on a t-shirt and shorts and followed them down the stairs. Nana handed me a cooler that was almost too heavy to carry. She must have filled it with all of the food in the refrigerator.

“Have fun,” she said to me before I left and kissed me on the cheek.

“Don’t jump off the rocks!” my grandfather shouted from the other room.

I walked outside and saw Jesse sitting in the back seat of his cousin Matt’s truck. My heart skipped a beat but I didn’t understand why. I was nervous and giddy.

“You get in first, Finn. I hate sitting in the middle,” Meg said but I didn’t believe her. She nudged me with her elbow and grabbed the cooler out of my hand.

I opened the door and slid in next to Jesse. Meg sat down next to me and purposely took more than her fair share, which caused me to move closer to Jesse. I glared at her and she smiled turning her head in the other direction. His tanned leg brushed against mine. I instantly got goose bumps. I placed my hands in my lap but our arms touched anyway. He rolled the window down. His hair blew in the wind. It smelled good. He had definitely just washed it.

“Does it bother you?” he asked looking at me. Our faces were inches apart.

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“The wind.” He gestured to the rolled down window.

“Oh,” I shook my head. “No, not at all,” I smiled nervously. He turned his head toward the window and his hair blew toward my face. I inhaled the pleasant smell and caught Meg grinning at me. I rolled my eyes at her.

We arrived at the lake. Matt drove his truck into the crowded parking lot. People of all ages congregated there. It was a hot and humid day, the perfect combination for a swim in a cool lake. Jesse opened his door and got out of the truck. He kept the door open and offered his hand to me helping me get out.

“Thanks,” I said pleased by his chivalry. I grabbed the heavy cooler out of the truck bed. He took it from me effortlessly, as if it were completely empty. “I have it,” I lied.

“I don’t mind.” He smiled and set it down on the ground.

I helped take the rest of the stuff out of the truck bed. There were three inner tubes, one raft and a large bag for our towels. Everyone started taking off their clothes, exposing their bathing suits. Instantly I felt nervous. I took off my shorts and tugged on my shirt. I didn’t want to take it off. Meg looked at me bewildered. I widened my eyes, trying to communicate, to tell her I was modest.

She rolled her eyes at me and whispered to me. “You’re being ridiculous. You look great.”

“Are we going or what?” Matt said. It was more of a statement than a question. He and Hannah each held onto an inner tube. I stood frozen, unsure of what to do. I didn’t want to take my shirt off, to be completely bare in my bikini.

Meg tugged on my shirt and grabbed the raft, “Come on, Finn.”

I hesitated and sighed. I took off my shirt and threw it in the truck bed, exposed for the entire world to see. I reached down to pick up the cooler and saw Jesse’s shadow.

“I’ve got that. You take the bag of towels,” he said. I looked up at him. He didn’t have a shirt on. His chest was muscular and tan. He was perfect.

“Thanks,” I said trying not to look at him, to stare. We walked together, behind Hannah, Meg and Matt.

“You’ll have to make sure to put sunscreen on,” he said. He smiled and looked down at my white shoulders.

I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m sure I’m blinding everyone right now.” He laughed.

“No, I’m looking at you and I can still see,” he said and instantly turned his face in the other direction, deliberately not looking at me. It looked like he had just blushed, but I couldn’t tell for sure.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know how to respond to that. So I started humming out of tune.

“You sing a lot.”

I stopped humming and laughed nervously. “Yeah, it’s a bad habit. I’ve done it since I was a kid.” I didn’t want to tell him that I did it when I was nervous.

“It’s cute,” he said and laughed. My stomach did a belly flop. He was noticing me. Was Meg right? Did he like me? I wanted it to be true.

We finally reached the lake shore. The lake was absolutely stunning. I had never seen anything like it. Florida lakes are beautiful but are vastly different. They’re more tropical, surrounded by flat land and palm trees, herons, and egrets. The water is opaque, with layers and layers of kelp and other plant life living on the surface. This lake was jade green with gorgeous, enormous mountains and gigantic rocks surrounding it. It was clear and luminous. The surface was full of small rocks and pebbles. I stood motionless, amazed at what I saw. The rest of them took it for granted. They didn’t see what I was seeing for the very first time. It nearly took my breath away. Jesse was watching me. “It’s pretty here, isn’t it,” he said and continued to watch me staring at my surroundings. I was too afraid to move, worried I would miss something.

“Yes,” I said still looking around. “Yes it is,” I said finally looking at him. Hannah, Matt and Meg found a secluded spot and put their stuff down on the ground. I trudged slowly through the sand focusing more on the scenery than anything else.

“It’s hot. I don’t know about you all but I’m going in,” Hannah said and ran toward the water. Matt ran after her and grabbed her around the waist. She laughed and kicked water on him. They looked happy, like they were in love. I wanted that kind of relationship—an effortless one that would make me happy.

Meg grabbed an inner tube and walked with it in the water. “The water feels great Finn!” she shouted sitting down on the tube.

“I’m coming,” I replied and walked into the water. The water was ice cold but felt exhilarating. It was such a hot day, the water’s frigid temperatures were an instant relief, a reprieve. “Brrr,” I said to Meg who laughed. I shivered a little and then started wading around the water. I floated on my back and let my hair get completely wet. I stared up at the blue sky.

Jesse floated on a raft. He lay on his belly, his head and feet hung over the edges. He was too tall for it but didn’t seem to mind. We were near each other, but didn’t say anything. I floated on my back, feeling utterly peaceful.

“Come on, Finn,” Meg urged me, splashing water on me. It broke my trance. I stopped floating on my back and swam towards the shore.

“Where are you guys going?” I asked. Hannah, Matt and Jesse were walking a few feet ahead of us.

“Diving, of course,” she said.

I felt instant dread. “No, you go on without me. I’ll stay here.” I started back towards the water.

“Finn, what are you doing?” she asked loudly. Jesse heard her and stopped walking. He went over to Meg. I heard him ask her what was wrong with me. She shrugged her shoulders. He told her to go ahead and headed toward the water, towards me.

I tried swimming further away, but he was too quick and too skilled to get away from. He swam to me. “Hey, what are you doing?” he asked a little out of breath.

“Nothing. Just swimming,” I lied. We treaded water. He looked at me skeptically.

“You don’t have to dive, Finn, if you’re afraid,” he said trying to reassure me.

“That’s not it. I just want to swim instead. You go on ahead,” I tried to smile but it looked fake. He could tell.

“I can teach you, Finn.”

“Teach me?” I tried to sound confused but I knew what he was talking about.

He rolled his eyes. “To dive, Finn.”

“That’s okay. You go on ahead,” I said trying to get him to leave me alone.

He tilted his head, crinkling his nose and causing a wrinkle to crease in his forehead. “If you want to live your life never experiencing anything, that’s your call.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked defensively.

“I mean,” he said swimming closer to me, “you’ve lived your entire life too afraid to live off balance. You’ve stuck to this plan of yours and it’s kept you from experiencing life. So, if you’re too afraid to try and dive, then stay here and swim.” He swam away from me and started walking out of the water.

“Wait!” I yelled without thinking. He turned to face me and grinned. I trudged toward him, hesitantly, stubbornly, mad and with a mission to prove something to him but I didn’t know what that was. I didn’t want to be the person he described—a person that allowed life to pass by. “Don’t be smug,” I said annoyed.

He laughed but stopped when I glared at him. “I knew you’d change your mind,” he said.

I sighed heavily. “Oh yeah, how’s that?” I asked exasperated.

“I just did. You’re ready to take the plunge.” He laughed.

I followed him toward the rocks. I was apprehensive, fearful, and uncertain. He studied my face, seeing the anxiety. “Don’t worry, we’re not starting on those rocks. That’s for the big kids. We’re starting out in the kiddie pool,” he said pointing to the smaller rocks. I gulped out loud, afraid to move. He swam toward them. He placed his muscular arms on one rock and lifted his body effortlessly onto it. He stared down at me. “It’s just like a diving board, only better. Come stand on it with me,” he said extending his hand. I grabbed a hold of it and allowed him to lift me on the rock with him. He picked me up with ease like I was light as a feather. We stood together on the one rock. His proximity made me more nervous and excited at the same time.

“The most important thing is not to be scared. You have to dive in, so to speak, without thinking. This isn’t something you can over think, Finn,” he said squinting, the sun shined in his blue eyes. His breath smelled deliciously sweet, like caramel. His lips were moist from swimming.

“Watch my form,” he moved his sculpted arms above his head and placed his two palms together. Suddenly, he dove head first into the water. It was a perfect dive. Water splashed onto me. I wiped my eyes. He bobbed up from the deep depths of the lake. His head and bare shoulders exposed.

“Now you try,” he said encouragingly.

I stood pensively, doing exactly what he told me not to do, over thinking. I raised my arms above my head and placed my palms together, trying to imitate Jesse. I looked at him for guidance.

“Come on, Finn,” he said enthusiastically.

I dove into the water, not as gracefully as Jesse. I swam quickly to the surface, nearly out of breath from fear. I coughed loudly and tried wiping water out of my eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked concerned. I couldn’t see him; my eyes were clouded with water. He took my hand and led me to the rock, helping me up, lifting me with no effort.

I sat on the rock and waited for my eyes to stop burning. He sat patiently next to me. “That was great. Ready for another?” he asked. I thought he was joking, but his tone was serious. He shook his wet hair out of his face and smiled at me. His smile made my heart melt.

“I don’t think so,” I said and coughed.

“Finn,” he started.

“No,” I said more adamantly.

“You can’t quit after your first time. You’ve almost got it. Just give it a few more tries and you’ll have it,” he said trying to coach me.

“It’s not what I thought it would be,” I said.

“You can’t have expectations. You just have to do it. If you go into it expecting something, then you’ll always be disappointed. Just dive.” He smiled and stood up. Quickly and beautifully, he dove into the water, with little effort. He made it look so easy.

“I know you’re not a quitter,” he teased. “Do I need to call you one from now on?”

I rolled my irritated eyes at him. “Fine,” I grumbled. I stood up too annoyed to think about what I was doing. I dove into the water, this time a little neater, a little cleaner. I swam to the surface of the water. My eyes had been closed, so no water lingered in them. Jesse waded in the water, grinning at me.

“That was good,” he said. “I knew you weren’t a quitter,” he added. I glared at him and hoisted myself up on the rock. I sat on it, my feet dangling in the water. He swam up to me, close to my feet. His hand touched my foot.

“Want to do another one?” he asked eagerly. It was hard for me to concentrate. The touch of his hand on my foot made me feel woozy.

I stood up, without saying a word, and quickly dove into the water again except this time with more ease, nearing perfection. It would only be a matter of time before I would have it. I felt triumphant. I felt like I had conquered the world. I smiled broadly and confidently.

Jesse dove into the water right behind me, shouting “woo hoo” as he dove. We were having fun. Diving wasn’t scary. It could be exhilarating and liberating. Doing something without planning could be exciting. I swam toward the rock again and lifted myself up, ready to take the plunge once more.