Worth the Wait

chapter 37


Tasha twisted in the seat in her obstetrician’s waiting room. She studied the other occupants in the large waiting area. There were couples smiling and holding hands. Mothers and daughters sitting around talking, even a grandfather sat with his wife and granddaughter. Some women were alone reading magazines or e-readers or playing with cell phones. Of the women who were alone, two were obviously pregnant. She caught the eye of one and they both gave the small awkward smile of strangers caught staring. Before she looked away, Tasha noticed the wedding ring on the other woman’s hand.

Her eyes lowered to her naked ring finger. She absently rubbed the spot where a ring would fit. In the two and a half months since Jared returned he’d pushed his way back into her life. He called to check on her daily. He volunteered to set up for the Wednesday night basketball games, and reminded her to leave early on animal adoption day. He popped up at her house at least once a week with a new item for the baby. Last week it was a crib he’d insisted on putting together. Watching him in her developing nursery as he smiled and talked about the baby caused her heart to yearn for him so badly she’d fled. His determination to show her how much he cared was frustrating, infuriating, and killing her resolve to fall out of love with him.

He didn’t pressure her to forgive him as he’d done the day he returned. Instead he said, “I love you” at the end of each phone call, which she refused to repeat. He constantly touched her. The back of her neck, her lower back, her hand. It was maddening. It was heaven.

He shifted in the seat next to her. She looked at him and bit back a smile as he drummed his hands on his knees and tapped his toes. Her appointment was at eight on Friday morning. He’d missed his morning workout to come, which meant he was bursting with restless energy. As endearing as his fidgeting was, she didn’t want him there. He’d insisted on coming after she’d mentioned a doctor’s appointment. To her surprise, he knew the twenty-week visit was the one where she’d learn the baby’s sex. He’d read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Her resolution not to love him almost completely dissolved when he’d mentioned that.

The problem with not loving him was twofold: one, she did love him, and two, he was showing her daily he still loved her.

Whenever she felt herself slipping she remembered his accusation, how he left her, and the way he’d rather his family believe he didn’t love her than tell them. But it was harder and harder to remember the bad when he was working so hard to show her he cared. She knew he’d told Malcolm and his mother about the baby. Kenyatta called Angie to tell how Malcolm went ballistic when Jared explained what happened before he left for L.A. The only thing that kept the brothers from fighting was Jared admitting he was wrong and taking responsibility for his actions. Between that, and Malcolm’s happiness about his approaching wedding, the brothers remained on speaking terms.

Despite all his efforts, Jared never mentioned the word marriage. He said he loved her, he wanted to be in her life, he wanted to take care of the baby, but that was all. Realizing it was better for her child to have a father in its life, she’d grudgingly accepted his assistance, but she wouldn’t let Jared back into her heart. She wouldn’t be happy as his girlfriend for the rest of her life. If there was even the smallest chance for her to meet someone else, she couldn’t afford to fall back into the easy relationship she’d had with him before.

She turned away from him. He reached over and placed his hand over hers. Heat shot through her and she stiffened. She began to pull her away but he held on. When he rubbed her ring finger the same way she’d done before, her eyes shot up to his. He wasn’t looking at her. He stared at her hand.

She gazed at his face, taking in his smooth brown skin, full lips, and shiny black hair. He wasn’t in his usual workout uniform, instead wearing a green golf shirt and slacks. He didn’t wear the cutoff shirts and basketball shorts everywhere anymore. She liked the more mature look, but missed seeing the tattoo on his upper arm and those marvelous legs. The desire to reach out and touch him hit her hard and fast. Her breathing quickened and the blood felt thick in her veins.

She closed her eyes and looked away from him in a weak attempt to break the spell. “Are you nervous?”

He continued to hold her hand. “Isn’t it obvious? I can’t sit still.”

She glanced back at him; the corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. He still wasn’t looking at her so she let herself stare longingly at his lips as he spoke. “I hope it’s a boy. I know what to do with a boy. I’d have no clue with a girl. But I guess it would be perfect payback for me to have a girl after the way I treated women.” His eyes rose to meet hers so quickly she wasn’t able to hide her longing. She wanted to look away. She wanted to forget Jared had a chokehold on her heart, but when he smiled, she let out a staggered breath. His smile melted away. Longing and desire swirled in the depths of his chocolate eyes. “Let me back in, Tasha.” His voice was low but passionate. “You know we’re good together, and you want it as much as I do.”

Yes, yes, yes! is what clamored through her heart, but her mind pulled her back. She wanted it all, not part of the story. “What I want hasn’t changed. I still want to get married someday.”

He closed his eyes and sighed before looking back at her. “Tasha, we don’t need a piece of paper to make this real.”

“I want it all, Jared, and I’ll have it one day. It’ll be harder with the baby … and you around, but one day I will meet someone else and he’ll want to marry me.”

He leaned closer. “But we … ”

“We used to sleep together and got pregnant. Nothing more.” She pulled her hand away and sat back. It hurt to say those words, but they were necessary. She had to be strong for her child.

The waiting room door opened before Jared could answer and Tasha’s mother burst into the room. She looked around until she spotted Tasha. The bright smile on her face dimmed a bit when she saw Jared, but it didn’t go away as she walked over.

Her mom had gone against her dad’s will and insisted on being at her side. It was a small comfort, but her dad’s refusal to talk to her still hurt. She’d missed every Sunday dinner since their fight. She was willing to keep up the silent treatment until her child attended college, and hated that she’d be forced to come back to his church because of Kenyatta and Malcolm’s wedding.

Inevitably, her mom had learned Jared was the father after he’d returned and made such an effort to be in her life. Although her mom had pressured her into accepting his help — he was the baby’s father, after all — it didn’t stop her from asking if Kevis was still an option. Tasha knew her mom secretly hoped she and Kevis would work out. Their tentative friendship was working, although he stopped coming to the Rec Commission to play after Jared returned.

Her mom sat in the empty seat next to Tasha. “Angie told me you had your appointment this morning. Why didn’t you call me? This is a big occasion.” She didn’t acknowledge Jared.

“Mom, I don’t need you to come to every visit.”

Her mom waved her hand. “Yes, you do. The more I report back to your dad, the closer he is to coming around. Last night he asked if we knew the sex of the baby yet. I think he’s looking forward to seeing you at the wedding tomorrow.”

“He could have visited me long before Kenyatta and Malcolm’s wedding,” Tasha said.

Her mom patted her hand. “He wants to see you, baby. He’s just stubborn. You know how he feels about appearances before his church. Maybe if you brought a date to the wedding … ”

“A date?” Jared cut in. “Tasha doesn’t need a date, she’s carrying my child.”

Her mom rolled her eyes. “But you two aren’t together. She can date whomever she chooses. What about that doctor? Aren’t you two still taking on the phone?”

Tasha closed her eyes and groaned. Jared sat up in his seat. “What? You’re still seeing the good doctor?”

Tasha shook her head and cut her eyes at her mom before turning to Jared. “No. We’re just friends. He just calls to check and see how I’m doing.”

Jared scowled. “It’s none of his business how you’re doing. If you need anything you tell me, not him.”

Tasha stiffened. “We’re friends, Jared. Besides, I haven’t said anything about Cassandra living with you.”

He narrowed his eyes. “She stayed with me for a week after I came back from L.A. You know there’s nothing between us.”

“Do I really?” He opened his mouth to reply but she held up a hand. “It doesn’t matter. We are not together.”

His dark eyes flashed fire. “Is he the guy you’re hoping to marry? The reason we can’t be together?”

She rolled her eyes and grunted. “You’re the reason we can’t be together.”

The ultrasound technician came into the waiting area and called Tasha’s name. But she and Jared just glared at each other. His jaw was tense. His eyes clouded with anger. The sparks between them were so thick she was surprised the air didn’t crackle. His eyes dropped briefly to her lips and despite herself, she licked them. It was enough to ignite the desire that always lingered when he was near.

“Come on, Tasha, let’s go back,” her mom said. She jumped up and pulled on Tasha’s arm.

Tasha slowly stood and Jared popped up behind her. They headed toward the ultrasound technician, who held up a hand. “Only one other person can come with you.”

Tasha turned to tell Jared to wait, but he took her elbow and pulled her forward. He turned to her mom with a determined look in his eye. “Wait here.”

Her mom’s mouth fell open before she snapped it closed. Tasha expected her to argue. Instead Virginia nodded stiffly and sat back down.

Tasha snatched her elbow out of Jared’s hand and turned toward the ultrasound tech, who smiled nervously and looked from Tasha to Jared. “I’m Jane, I’ll be doing your ultrasound. You can follow me.”

Tasha nodded and followed Jane from the waiting room. She didn’t have to turn to know he followed. As always, she sensed him behind her. Jane led them into a small room with a bed and an ultrasound. Pictures of the various stages of pregnancy lined the wall and a few hand drawn pictures, presumably from Jane’s children, were on the cabinets.

“If you’ll go in the bathroom and empty your bladder. Leave off your bottoms and wrap in one of the hospital gowns when you come back out,” Jane said.

Tasha nodded and followed her instructions. When she finished she avoided looking at Jared who stood stiffly beside the door. Jane smiled when she came out and motioned for her to sit on the bed. Anxiety crept up her spine. What if something was wrong with the baby?

Jared rushed over and took her hand. Her eyes met his and he smiled reassuringly. When he squeezed her hand, her anxiety fled. She forgot about their earlier argument and all of the reasons why she shouldn’t love him. If her mom had insisted on coming back, she would have wished Jared were there instead.

They didn’t speak as Jane squeezed the cold jelly on Tasha’s slightly rounded stomach. She tensed when Jane put the ultrasound on her belly. A relieved sigh rushed out of her lungs when the sound of the heartbeat filled the room.

Jared looked around. “What’s that?”

Jane smiled. “Your baby’s heartbeat.”

A goofy grin split his face. He looked at Tasha’s stomach in wonder before meeting her eyes. “You hear that?”

She smiled. “I do.”

He squeezed her hand again and looked at the screen. “What’s that?”

Jane explained what she looked for on the screen, how she checked the baby’s skeletal system and took measurements, and the blood flow in the heart. Jared was enraptured and asked a lot of questions. Jane smiled and answered his questions in stride. Tasha’s heart melted with each one of Jared’s grins, gasps of wonder, and swellings of pride.

Jane looked at them both with a grin. “Are you ready to know what you’re having?”

Tasha gulped. “I guess so.”

Jane turned to the screen and pointed. “It’s a girl!”

Happiness and love swelled within her. A girl. Her mom would be disappointed that she’d have to wait on a grandson, but she would easily get over it. Tasha hadn’t cared either way, as long as she was healthy.

Jared clutched her hand and she turned to him. “She’ll be as beautiful as her mother,” he said. He leaned over to kiss her forehead.

Tasha bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted too much, she wanted him too much. She pulled away and turned to Jane. “Does everything look okay?” She took her hand from Jared’s. His body stiffened beside her, but she didn’t look his way. She was getting sucked into feeling this was a real relationship when it wasn’t.

“She looks beautiful,” Jane said. She printed out the pictures and made notes on her chart. Jared reached over to touch Tasha’s shoulder but she shifted away. Jane looked back at them oblivious to the tension. “I’ll take your chart to the nurse while you get dressed, then come back and take you out for your regular visit.”

Tasha smiled and nodded at Jane. “That sounds great, thanks.”

When Jane walked out, Tasha began to slide off the table but Jared moved to stand in front of her. He placed his hand on the ends of the bed, making it impossible for her to get up. “What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to find out it’s a girl.”

She avoided his gaze. “I am happy.”

“Then why did you pull away from me? I’m ecstatic and you’re stiff.” He grinned at her. “We’re having a girl.”

She sighed and met his eyes. “No, I’m having a girl.”

His smile twisted into a scowl. “Tasha, we are in this together.”

“No, we’re not. We aren’t together and we won’t be together.”

“That’s because you won’t let me back in. What else do you want me to do? I’ve apologized. I’ve told you over and over how much I love you. I’ve tried to learn everything I can about babies so I can help when she’s here.” He straightened and pulled the golf shirt from his pants. “Hell, I’m even dressing like a choir boy to prove I’m ready to be with you. But you keep pushing me away.”

“I never asked you to change.”

“I know. I want to change. I’m doing all of this because I want you to forgive me and take me back. Shit, Tasha, I’m not this guy. I don’t chase women and beg them to come back, but I’m willing to do that for you. I know I messed up. I know I didn’t believe you when I should have, but can’t you see how much I regret that? Can’t you see how much I love you?”

“You don’t love me enough, Jared.”

He looked at her as if she’d sprouted another head. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You want a relationship on your terms. You don’t want to step out of your comfort zone. I have to compromise. I have to give up my wish to get married. I’ll have to face my parents’ disapproval about our relationship every Sunday. I’ll have to trust that your love, which is so fickle, will be strong enough to keep you with me without a commitment.” She pounded her chest with each statement. Tears burned the back of her eyes, and for the first time she was afraid she would actually spill them in front of him.

He scowled and put his hands back on the ends of the bed. “Do you think marriage is going to make me more committed to you? Married people cheat, get divorced, and leave. I know married guys who are far less committed to their wives than I am to you. I can’t jump off the deep end and change who I am in the blink of an eye. I’m offering you commitment, love, and security for as long as we want it.”

“But I want it forever.”

He spun away. “A piece of paper doesn’t equal forever, dammit!” He slammed his hand on the counter.

She slid off the table. “It’s more than a piece of paper, Jared.”

“Maybe to you, but not to me.”

She lifted her chin. “And that’s why we can’t be together.”

He clenched his jaw, rubbed his hand over his face, and took a deep breath. “I’ll let your mom finish this visit with you.”

Her throat constricted. Afraid to speak without crying she nodded. He looked at her once more before stalking out.