Heart of Hearts
February, 2003
January came and went with not much more to show for it than Kendall’s fifth birthday party which, I purposely didn’t invite the gang or my yoga friends to. It was a completely immature and destructive decision that required trace amounts of exaggeration and fibbing to pull off, and it came as a result of a rapid mood change that I’m sure will come back to bite me in the ass. Yep, it seems like no matter how many times I watch Kelly’s last video, I’ll forever be stuck at age four.
Aside from the fact that I was in a room full of dinosaur-sized blow up slides and jumpy houses that smelled like barf with people from Kendall’s pre-school who I’ve never invested more than five minutes of my time with…the party was a success. The gang wasn’t there to fill my head with beliefs that Kurt’s the father of my child and my yoga team wasn’t there to convince me otherwise.
After the earful Megan gave me at the studio last month, I thought long and hard about reaching out to Leo. In my heart of hearts, I just know this is our baby, and I’ve already lost so much precious time not sharing the experience with him. I’ve endured the morning sickness alone. Other than that first disastrous doctor’s appointment with Slutty Co-worker, I’ve attended all others alone. I told Kendall the exciting news alone. The baby’s room sits void of furniture, because I can’t bear the thought of decorating it alone. And because Megan just left with Kendall to drop her at Kurt’s for the weekend, I’m all alone for the next two days.
Before Megan left with her, she turned to me and asked, “Did you make the call yet?” Even though I’ve thought long and hard about reaching out to Leo, all I could do was shake my head “No.” I still can’t find the right words to explain myself to her…or him.
Once they were gone, I got busy cleaning up the house. I love my new kid with all of my heart, but I love a clean house too, and it seems like the only two days I have one is when she’s gone. Makes me feel bad for criticizing Nicole and Courtney all of those years for living like pigs once they became mothers. I had no idea how time consuming it was to just keep up with laundry, let alone clean a toilet or empty the dishwasher! Just another taksie-backsie from my pre-mom days. After tripping over one of Kendall’s recent birthday presents, I gather up as many of them as I can and resignedly walk to her room to drop them, feeling like it’ll be me…doing stuff like this…alone…for the rest of my life. One toy bounces under the bed and I laboriously get on my knees to search for it. When I reach underneath to retrieve it, I grab two.
“What’s this?”
Decorated with glitter and scented marker is a small box with the words, ‘For Weo,’ written on top.
“Oh, sweetie…What have you done?”
Carefully peeling off the seventy-thousand pieces of tape so as not to expose my invasion of her privacy, I open the box and find the night vision goggles for snipe hunting that Leo had given her a year ago.
“I’m so sorry I did this to you, Kendall.”
Lifting my heavier-than-it’s-ever-been body from the ground, I carry the box to the living room and place it on the coffee table. I put on some mellow music, light a fire, settle into my old wicker couch, and begin to collect my thoughts the only way I know how…with a list. After an hour or so of reflection, I conclude that, just like with my affair, there are only three possible outcomes to this latest nightmare I’ve created.
1) If I tell Leo I’m pregnant now, he’ll wonder why I waited so long and I’ll have to tell him the truth that I wasn’t sure if it was his...exposing that I might’ve cheated on him.
2) Leo asked, no wait…he begged me to cut him loose. He wants absolutely nothing to do with Kurt. But with Kendall, comes Kurt. If I’m having his baby, I’ll be forcing him to live a life he outright told me he did not want to live.
3) Being adopted and wanting nothing more in the world than his own biological child, Leo will know I contemplated stripping him of that joy and NEVER forgive me.
4) Leo will swoop me up in his arms and tell me he’s been in hell every day since I left New York. He won’t ask me any questions about the last five months, and he won’t care about anything other than the fact that we’re together again and we’re starting a family. I know…I know… THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN! That’s why I said there are only three possible outcomes to this nightmare.
The thing I feared the most when I was having an affair with Leo was that he would hate me if he found out I was married. Looking down at my newest list...one thing is glaringly obvious and I slump back into the couch. All realistic outcomes to this latest nightmare point to the exact same thing…hate.
“But hold on a minute.”
Leo didn’t hate me after he found out I was married. In fact, he said he was relieved to finally know the truth and had I told him any earlier, he might not have been in love with me enough to handle it. Sitting back up, my mind starts to race. I don’t think Leo would’ve have been able to handle the news of the pregnancy right after the fall out of waking up in Kurt’s bed; he was still too angry. But now that he’s had time to cool off…maybe…
Then I immediately get deflated when I think back to his college graduation night. What ultimately led to our demise before was that I dragged my feet on the divorce. And I’ve done just that again with news of this pregnancy. See? Outcome bad. And then I slump back into the couch.
Dammit though. Something’s gotta give, because I’m really, really starting to feel the heat from all directions to get to the bottom of this. Everyone wants answers…except, of course, the two guys who might be the father. Maybe the pressure of pleasing everyone around me is stronger than I thought and I’m going back to my old pleasy pleaserson days. Maybe I’m torn about which crew to make happy and it’s clouding my judgment. What would Dr. Maria say? Duh, she’d tell me to follow my heart. And, you know what? Since I have two of them for the time being….I should really listen.
Twisting my Banana Republic ring, I ask myself, “What do you want Chrissy?”
Blocking out everyone’s opinion about what I should do, I pick up another piece of paper and get busy crafting another list…and this one makes me smile.
I let you go
And I watch you leave
And I hold my breath
So you don't hear me scream
…But the words are only in my head
It's not what I said
It's what I didn't say
(What I didn’t say, Saving Jane)