Stubborn
January, 2003
“But is that what you believe to be true?”
I haven’t been to the cemetery much lately, been too busy with life to hang around dead people. Kids can really fill up a schedule like that. But after the malotoff cocktail of confusion that Courtney and Nicole dropped on me, I had to make the time and get some smart and unbiased advice…from a dead person. Because you know how much that makes sense.
“No. But I believe in leprechauns, so you could say my belief system is a little out of whack.”
“Chrissy, c’mon, you have to have some kind of awareness about this. I know you’re not that stupid.”
“Fine. Here’s what I believe. I don’t care if I had twenty beer bongs shoved down my throat, I would NEVER cheat on Leo. I told you before, he’s it for me, and I meant it. And Kurt’s NOT the type of guy to take advantage of a girl who’s drunk. He’s been an emotionally detached son-of-a-bitch more times than I can remember, but when it comes to sex…he’s always been a gentleman. I can make sense out of that much, Kel. What doesn’t make sense to me is why Kurt won’t talk to me about this.”
“I think the bigger question is why won’t you talk to him about this?”
“I can’t.”
“Why the heck not?”
“He’ll get too much satisfaction out of it.”
“Oh, please!”
“I’m serious!” Holding up my fingers, “Do you realize I came just this close to having everything I ever wanted?”
“I do.”
“And don’t you think he’s just a smidge happy that I can’t have those things because of my lousy decision to spend the night at his house?”
“I don’t…”
HUH?
“…I honestly believe Kurt wants you to be happy.”
“You don’t think he hates Leo?”
“I absolutely think he hates Leo. Jesus, he cold-cocked him at my husband’s funeral. I’d say there’s a little bit of anger there. But, I also think it’s a completely normal reaction to have toward the guy your wife cheated on you with.”
“That’s kinda harsh.”
“Uhhhh, it’s kinda true!”
Stupid ass voice of reason.
“But, even though he hates him, he’s not the type of guy to do something vindictive, like make you think you slept with him, just to mess up your life. That’s not how Kurt’s wired.”
Maybe not so stupid ass after all.
“It’s more like how you’re wired, but let’s stay on point.”
Nodding in reluctant agreement, I roll my hand in the air at her to continue.
“There’s another thing I honestly believe, Chrissy”
“What’s that?”
“I honestly believe Kurt took your words to heart when you divorced and he completely agrees the two of you aren’t right for each other.”
“I thought he did, but-”
“Chrissy, did you ever think he might be staying away so that he can finally go after a little bit of happiness himself? I mean, that huge engagement ring of yours sure showed him you had moved on. Maybe the punches he threw at the funeral were all that he needed to leave the past behind. Maybe the drinks he offered you on your birthday were just nice gestures because he saw how lonely you were. Kurt’s a lot of things, but he’s not desperate and he’s not a pig.”
“You don’t think I slept with him?”
“Nope. Not even if you jumped on him naked. So can you just do yourself and your baby a favor and stop being so damn stubborn? Clear this up with Kurt so that everyone can get on with their lives.”
The funny thing is, they’re the same words Megan said to me when I got back to the office this afternoon. I found her sitting at her desk, buried under mounds of charity clothing with no easy way to escape, so I pounced on her and asked why she’s been so weird about the pregnancy.
“I dunno, Chrissy.” Pointing at my stomach, “There’s a baby in there and lives that people are ready to get on with. If you could just ask Kurt the damn question, everyone might be able to finally have some happiness.” She pauses before she says, “You might even be able to…”
“I might be able to what?”
“Never mind. I’m staying out of this.”
“Staying out of what? Megan, why are you being so damn secretive lately?”
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DAMN STUBBORN LATELY?”
Expecting me to unleash five months of pregnant hormones on her, Megan winces as she anticipates my reaction. Instead, I apologize.
“You know what? You’re right and I’m sorry. I let the mystery of the night at Kurt’s house get the best of me…and then Leo broke up with me for reasons almost completely unrelated to waking up in Kurt’s bed…and then I found out I was pregnant and…everything has just spiraled out of control. It’s like my affair all over again, and I don’t know how to put an end to it without someone getting hurt.”
“Chrissy, what’s the worst that can come out of this if all you did was pass out in Kurt’s bed?”
“You mean, what’s the worst that can come out of this…if I’m having Leo’s baby?”
“Yes.”
Slumping down in the chair, “I’ll be forcing him to be a part of my life…a life that I still have to share with Kurt because of Kendall. He begged me to cut him loose of it, Megan, and it’s been five months since I gave him what he wanted. Has he called? No. Has he written? No. He got what he wanted. I have no right to mess things up for him again.”
“Would you listen to yourself? You’re probably the mother of his child! Don’t you think he’d want to know that? Geez, Chrissy, don’t you think he deserves to know that?”
“Megan, it’s more complicated than that.”
“It sure is. You’re more than half way done with a pregnancy you could’ve been sharing with him the entire time. Chrissy, he’s had five months to get on with a life that will never be half as good as it could be if you’d stop being so damn stubborn. Just pick up the phone, ask Kurt the stupid question, and get the answer you need so that we can all get on with our damn lives.”