Disoriented
February, 2003
“Wow, you guys! That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time!”
My rag tag team just threw me the most awesome baby shower ever. It was just the four of us in the dimly lit meditation room at the studio. No annoying extended family members and no annoying thank you cards to write. No muss, no fuss.
Patting Slutty on the back for a job well done, Barbara, Megan, Slutty, and I are about to enter my favorite restaurant in Lafayette, Postino’s, for the yummiest dinner ever when all of a sudden I stop dead in my tracks.
“C’mon, hunny, it’s friggin’ cold out here! Get movin!”
But I can’t move. I can’t talk either. All I can do is stare.
Sitting at a dimly-lit corner table is my Leo, and he’s holding hands with a very smart looking, okay…fine, a very pretty, brunette. My friend’s eyes zoom in the direction of mine and damage control commences.
“Oh crap! I thought they were staying in San Francisco this weekend. I never would’ve suggested this place if I knew they’d be here.”
Disoriented, I continue to stare. Not the case with Slutty.
“What the hell, Megan, you knew he’d be in town this weekend?”
“He’s here for the whole week, actually. That west coast office finally opened.”
“And you know this how?”
“My roommate’s ex-boyfriend…well, I guess they’re more like f*ck buddies now.”
“Get to the point, Megan!”
“I’M TRYING! He told her Leo was coming to town and he was… he was…”
“HE WAS WHAT?”
“Bringing his new girlfriend.” Whispering over to me, “I’m so sorry, Chrissy.”
But I can’t hear Megan. I can’t hear anything but my own thoughts.
Walk over there and show him your stomach. Get him back, Chrissy.
But I can’t! I don’t know for sure if this baby is his.
Yes, you do! Forget what Courtney and Nicole said, you’re carrying Leo’s baby and you know it. And if he knew it too, he’d forget all about Kurt’s relationship with Kendall…he wouldn’t have to dig deep! The relationship he’d have with his own child would make all of those jealous feelings insignificant. He wasn’t capable of seeing things that way when he broke up with you because there was no baby, but all of that has changed now! Forget all of those stupid outcomes you created. Show him your stomach and let him be the judge of his own life. Show him and get him back!
Slutty Co-worker’s back at demanding answers from Megan.
“Why would he bring her here? He knows damn well Chrissy lives in this town.”
And then I see the answer. Leo’s Mom walks out of the coat check room, up to the brunette and introduces herself with a nice big hug.
Oh no… Please, no. Please, please, don’t let this be happening. She used to be my biggest cheerleader. She used to root for me. Reaching out for the wall in front of me for support, I close my eyes at the agonizing sight. I made myself believe I had lost him. I tried so hard to convince myself he was gone, but when the baby came along, I had hope again. I never talked about it. I barely even admitted it to myself because I knew it was a long shot. But there has always been a pull toward my Leo drug, and I had an unspoken feeling I’d be with him again one day. But watching Leo’s mother embrace the woman, who is clearly someone very important to him, I feel him being pulled away along with my courage to approach him. And I’m not the only one who feels it. My baby, who all of a sudden kicks me for the first time, feels it too.
Shaken by the unfamiliar jolt in my stomach, I hastily clutch it and breathlessly mumble, “Take me home.”
In the hustle to get me across the street and into the car, Slutty Co-worker yells expletives to everything standing in our way. Everyone, from the rambunctious kids flowing in and out of The Round Up to the patrons entering the restaurant, can hear her. I take one more glance back at Leo’s candle-lit corner table as my friend’s usher me to the car, and notice that he can hear her too. He leans back in his chair to glance out the window to try and connect the sound from his past with a face, and neither Leo’s mother or the brunette, notice when he finally makes the connection and whispers, “Oh, my God.” Swiftly and painfully, I turn away from the sight of him.
Now sitting in the passenger seat of the car, door closed, I keep my head pointed toward the ground. I can’t stand to see him with her for one more second. Without shifting her gaze from Leo’s, Slutty Co-worker asks me, “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk to him, hunny? I mean, maybe he deserves to know what’s going on.”
“Please…just take me home.”
Her eyes still locked on Leo’s, she shakes her head in contempt at him for bringing his new girl to my neighborhood and then she gets in the car and drives away.