Unraveling
December, 2002
It wasn’t my plan to tell Courtney and Nicole I was pregnant. In fact, it was my hope to keep it a secret…forever. Silly I know, but there it is. But I started showing and quickly realized that even the most expensive couture ensembles aren’t going to hide the baby I’ve got growing inside of me. Not long after I shared my secret with my best friends, I shared it with Megan and Barbara too. Barbara was so excited about the news, she got busy right away crocheting blankets and booties. Megan though…she looked confused. Despite her reaction, I needed a huge favor. I asked if she would continue to deliver Kendall to Kurt every Friday and pick her up every Sunday, so that I could keep my pregnancy a secret for a while longer. Reluctantly, she agreed. I had to run off to a holiday party at Kendall’s school, but I made a mental note to talk to Megan later in private about her reaction and apologize for using her as a chauffeur. She’s my designer, not my nanny, and I have to get back to treating her accordingly.
On top of the fact that my protruding belly is preventing me from keeping my pregnancy a secret, Kelly’s words have been weighing heavy on me and as soon as I started to watch the first video, I decided that my life, Kendall’s, and the new baby’s will be a lot calmer if I know the truth about who the father is. Some smart person once said, “The truth will set you free,” and by unleashing my secret to Courtney and Nicole, and knowing damn well they’d say something to Kurt about it, I hoped to find out if that smart person was full of shit. I guess the bright side is, if Kurt is the father, he’ll have both of the kids every weekend and it’ll offer me much needed time alone to cry myself senseless.
But it’s starting to look like I might not get that alone time or answers anytime soon because it’s been nearly four weeks since I told my friends about the baby and Kurt still hasn’t said a peep to me about it. I even asked Megan if he said anything the last time she picked up Kendall, and her answer was a somber, “No.” The crazy thing is, I’m not sure if I’m happy about this or not. Let’s be real. Leo basically told me to get the hell out of his life. I’m not too excited about bouncing back into it with an entire family. I am completely confused about what to do. That’s why Kelly’s videos have become my new addiction. They force me to forget about the past and plan for the future. They take my mind off of my problems and force me to find solutions to them. I don’t want to rush through them though. Each one is a gift that I want to make last. I’ve watched the Three Years Old one every night since the first time I popped it in. Tonight, I’m giving myself the Christmas gift of Four Years Old.
After Kendall and I put cookies and milk out for Santa, I tuck her in and bring my own cookies and milk into bed and pop in the next video.
Kelly doesn’t look that much different than the video she made before it, perhaps she did them just days apart. Glancing at the box containing the other thirteen videos, I cringe at what I’m about to watch unfold. Looking back at the TV, I observe her beautiful shoulder-length auburn hair. I still hate the cut…but the color is to die for. Oh shit…sorry Kel! Bad choice of words! Her weight is still seemingly normal, and her physique is as strong looking as it ever was. Her voice is authoritative, and just like the last time it spoke to me; I take in her every word.
“…I’ve read that four years old is all about rapid mood changes, explosive and destructive behavior, testing limits, exaggeration, and even fibbing.”
Shoving another cookie in my mouth, “Good Lord, I’m like the world’s oldest four-year- old.”
“…But do your best to stay calm…be tenderly honest with her about her behavior. Lead by example, and try your best not to react to her outbursts.”
The funny thing is Kendall has never been explosive or destructive. Letting out a deep sigh I think, Kelly and Craig sure missed out on a gem.
“… Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and it’ll backfire on you if you hold back the truth from her.”
With that reasoning, I turn off the video, roll onto my side, and agree with Kelly. It’s time.
The next morning, Kendall woke to a brand new big girl bike from Santa and the news that she’s going to get a brand new sibling.
“Really, Ki-Ki?”
As much as she wants to call me Mommy, she’s still struggles with it. She writes it on every card and picture she makes, but saying the word is still so awkward for her.
“Really, hunny! And, it’ll be here in June.”
“Is dat what Santa brought you?”
Looking under the tree and realizing there’s nothing there with my name on it, I nod my head.
“Does it mean you were naughty or nice?”
Ahhhhh, out of the mouths of babes.
“Well, since babies are the most precious gift in the world, I’m pretty sure it means I was nice.” Too nice actually.
“Tell me, how do you feel about being a big sister?”
Thinking long and hard, “Do I have to share my new bike?”
“Probably not for four more years.”
“Then I’m SOOPA DOOPA happy! I hope it’s a boy!”
“Really? I was all about the girl power thing. Why do you want it to be a boy, Kendall?”
“He can pretend he’s the daddy.”
On that gloomy note, and to thwart anything explosive or destructive from flying out of my four-year-old mouth, I dully hand Kendall another present to open.