Hush Little Baby
November, 2002
I remember this feeling. It’s a larger than life kind of thing. It’s a feeling you can only understand if you’ve been told you’re pregnant. In an instant, you’re not just you, you’re two people. Your life is over and just beginning all at the same time. You’ll never be ready for it…even when you’ve been planning for it your entire life. And you certainly can’t be ready for it when you don’t even know who the father is.
“What did you just say?”
Handing me the stick, Slutty Co-worker giddily says, “See right there? It’s blue, and blue means you’re pregnant!”
Frantically flipping the box over so I can match the results, it’s easy to conclude that, I am, indeed pregnant.
“Why the hell did you tell me it was negative?”
“Just f*cking with you. It might be the last time we have fun like this now that you’re gonna be all maternal. Pregnant women are so…blah.”
“Holy shit, I have a baby…growing inside of me…RIGHT NOW?”
They’re the exact words I spoke when I found out I was pregnant at seventeen and even though I’m thirty-three now, they’re coming out as frightened and confused as they did back then.
“Yep. And now that we’ve established that, I guess it’d be a good idea to establish who the father is.”
Oh my God! This is a total nightmare! I’m officially a candidate for one of those ‘who’s my baby daddy’ episodes of The Jerry Springer Show.
Judging by the look on my face, Slutty feels compelled to make the most horrid of horrid remarks, “That is…if you decide to keep it.”
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be comparing myself to Jerry Springer trash, and I’m not supposed to be asked if I’m going to keep my baby. I’m a grown-up now! A real live child psychologist even called me one! Someone please tell me, HOW IS THIS MY PATHETIC LIFE…AGAIN?
“Chrissy, you are gonna keep it…right?”
Leo doesn’t want me anymore. We made our break, and I have no right to ruin his life for the millionth time. I will never tell him about this.
“Hunny, are you in shock?”
And there’s no way I’m asking Kurt if this is his. I don’t want to know if I slept with him. It would make me sick knowing I did that to Leo. I will never tell him about this.
“You’re freaking me out, girl. Can you please tell me what you’re thinking?”
But how long can I keep a pregnancy a secret? Leo’s no problem because he’s on the east coast, but I see Kurt almost every Friday and Sunday when we exchange Kendall. Eventually he’ll find out…and if he asks if it’s his, then I’ll know the ugly truth about what really happened that night.
“You’re turning white. Sit tight, I’m gonna get you some water.”
How will I tell Kendall? What will I tell Kendall? Should we move into the Lafayette house that I can barely afford? I can’t bear to sell it though. It’s the dream house I was supposed to share with my dream husband as we raised our dream family. I look up toward the sky and internally scream, SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO? And then I remember what happened the last time I begged for the answer to that question…Dr. Maria called to tell me to follow my heart, it’ll take me where I need to go. Looking at the blue stick I ask myself, what does your heart want, Chrissy? Within a nanosecond, my mind answers. My heart wants a family. Like a bottle going into a screaming baby’s mouth, I’m all of a sudden composed. Kendall , this baby, and I are going to move into that damn dream house, and I’m going to FINALLY do what I should’ve done starting all the way back at sixteen. I’m going to take it day by day. No lists. No expectations of what the perfect life is supposed to look like.
“Here’s your water, hunny. Now…please tell me what the heck you’re gonna do.”
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but what I did when I was seventeen was, by far, the worst. Sliding my hands down to my belly, drawing strength from my new family member, I answer my old friend.
“Of course, I’m keeping this baby.”
“Oh, this is so exciting! When can we start telling people?”
“Never.”
How can I forget you
Memories come and go
You’re all I've ever wanted
You’re all I've ever known
Can I be happy
Living with your ghost
The pictures tell the story
I took them off the wall
It’s hard enough to get through
I still can feel the fall
Do you even think of me at all?
(Only you, Matthew Perryman)