Interrogation
December, 2002
“What’s with the moo-moo?”
It’s been months since I’ve been to the cemetery and months since I’ve seen Courtney and Nicole. Work, Kendall, the studios, morning sickness…life, have taken over. And in watching Kelly’s videos, I know she’d approve of my absence.
I started at the beginning, just like she asked me to do in her letter. The very first night I moved into my new house, after I kissed Kendall goodnight, I made a cup of that damn Nepalese tea, settled into my brand new big bed and put on the first video, titled, Three years old, which was Kendall’ age when Kelly got sick. I couldn’t have done it even two months ago. I still wasn’t ready to see her…to hear her. But with each passing pregnant day, I needed Kelly’s voice of reason more and more. So, I closed my eyes, blindly aimed the remote at the television, hit play, and there it was.
In classic Kelly style there wasn’t any long drawn out dramatic explanation for making the videos, no mention of cancer or death, nor was there any gooshy pronouncement of her love for anyone or anything. Knowing time was of the essence, she got right to the point. She spoke of temper tantrums and healthy snacks and requested that Kendall be read to every single night and taken to the library at least once a week. Eyes still closed, I let out a little, “Uh-oh.” She encouraged Craig to keep his cool during the times when Kendall would test him and reminded him that she never yelled and hardly used profanity and expected him to follow her model. Knowing I’d dropped the S bomb in front of Kendall at least twenty times, I whispered, “Oh crap.” Then, Kelly moved on to the importance of staying ahead of Kendall’s needs and that’s when my eyes finally opened, literally and figuratively. When she said the words, “Never let Kendall’s demands get ahead of what you’ve planned, even if it means losing sleep and blowing off your friends. Your life and hers will only be as calm as you make it,” I froze. It’s exactly what I needed to hear, and I paused the video to think long and hard about her message.
For so many months, I’ve been terrified to watch the videos. I didn’t think I had it in me to look at my best friend who knew she was going to die. My best friend, who knew she would not live to see the day her daughter turned four. But I forgot how strong Kelly was, and I underestimated her reasoning. She made these videos in the midst of chaos, knowing her family’s life could only be as calm as she designed it to be. And now that I’m in the midst of a little chaos of my own, there is so much I can learn from them. Now that Kendall’s turning five next month, and now that I’m going to have my own child, I can’t afford to let the videos gather anymore dust. As much as Kendall needs the information on them, I do too.
Pressing play, the video cut to Kelly reading Kendall’s favorite book, Goodnight Moon.
“…In a great green room, tucked away in bed, is a little bunny. ‘Goodnight room, goodnight moon.’ And to all the familiar things in the softly lit room--to the picture of the three little bears sitting in chairs, to the clocks and his socks, to the mittens and the kittens, to everything one by one--he says goodnight.”
And then, without shedding a tear, my strong friend said, “Good night Sweetheart. I love you, and I’m always with you.”
I walked to Kendall’s room and repeated the words to her in her sleep, and then headed back to my new bed with plans to fall fast asleep before thoughts of Leo high-jacked my mind, but I made the mistake of stopping in the bathroom to pee on the way. In a box, right in front of me as I sat on the toilet, was the towel Leo left behind after 9/11. Feeling overwhelmed and lonely in my new home, I was relieved I hadn’t thrown it away and fell asleep that night, and every night since, with it pressed firmly against my heart. The next day, I got a library card, stocked the house with healthy snacks, and Kendall and I started planting a vegetable garden in the backyard. Most importantly, I assembled a swear jar and said goodbye to my two favorite words, shit and f*ck. New baby…new house…new life…new calm.
Now approaching my best friends who are already settled on top of Kelly’s grave, I don’t feel an ounce of guilt that I haven’t been here very much. Kelly would appreciate the calm I’ve been hard at work creating. She would much rather I live my life than reflect on a life I’ll never live, which is usually what happens when I come here. Nevertheless, it’s nice to see Courtney and Nicole, and unload a few things that are essential in my quest for calm.
“It’s not a moo-moo, Nic. It happens to be Juicy Couture and it’s all the rage these days.”
“Well, it makes you look pregnant.”
“Probably because I am.”
Speculating that I might be telling another one of my famous fibs, my doctor friends just stare at me in silence.
“Around twelve weeks, actually.”
“Hold on, you’re serious about this?”
I place Nicole’s hand on my small, hard bump and give her an eyebrow raise.
“Holy moley.” Looking at Courtney, “Either she has some serious gas or the girl’s prego.”
“Was there a wedding? I mean, I don’t remember getting an invitation, do you Nicole?”
“Ahhhhh, nooooooo. Jesus, Chrissy! Why didn’t you tell us you were pregnant sooner?”
“I didn’t know myself until last month.”
“It sounds like something that would slip through the cracks with you!”
After my friends pummel me with hugs and kisses, the interrogation begins.
“Are you and Leo gonna wait until after the baby’s born to tie the knot?”
“Or, are you gonna be as fashionable as that outfit and be a knocked up bride?”
Opening a bottle of water, I practice what Kelly was preaching in the video and calmly tell them, “Leo and I broke up.”
Silence again.
“It’s okay you guys, I’m gonna be alright.”
Not really. But it’s not going to do anyone a bit of good if I display my actual state of emotions, which is what I would label as frantically heartbroken. Life is only as calm as I make it, right?
“No you’re not.”
“Yeah, you can’t fool us, Chrissy. You’re talking to people who’ve had to tranquilize you after you chipped your nail polish.”
In an attempt to hold back my tears, I close my eyes for a long time before I respond to their spot-on assessment of my emotional state.
“You’re right. I’m an absolute mess. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s really, really over this time. His choice. How pathetic would I be if I didn’t accept it and begged for him to reconsider?”
What? It’s not like the whole world needs to know I was on my hands and knees in New York in September doing that very thing.
“Well…is he gonna be a part of the baby’s life?”
Now it’s Courtney’s turn with, “And what about Kendall? I mean, she really liked him.”
“Trust me, I hate that another person is gone from her life. But, in all honestly, he’s been in New York for so long, it didn’t seem that tough for her when I broke the news.”
“Wait…he’s still in New York? Wow, and I thought the visitation you have set up with Kurt was a pain in the ass. Sounds like this will be a nightmare.”
Here we go…
“I don’t even know if it’s his.”
The two of them scream, “WHAT?” so loud that the entire funeral service taking place two hundred feet away turns to look at us.
Courtney groans, “You’ve taken the word Chrissygan to a whooooooole new level with this news.”
Needing more information, Nicole inquisitively asks, “C’mon…spill it. Who else are you sleeping with?”
“It’s not important. Besides, I don’t even know for sure if it even happened.”
Courtney has no idea what the hell I’m even talking about, but Nicole on the other hand…
“Drunk?”
“Big time.”
“Been there. Done that. You think I wanted a kid in my twenties…in the middle of my residency?”
Problem solver Courtney is NOT happy with the direction Nicole’s taking the conversation. “Nic, this is different! You were drunk…with your husband! Chrissy, are you saying you’re not gonna tell the father of this baby what’s going on?”
“I’m just taking it day by day, Court.”
“Okay, ONE this isn’t alcoholics anonymous so enough with the sanctimonious holier than thou crap and TWO, that’s totally unfair! Leo--or some other random guy--is about to become a father. You can’t rip him off like that!”
“I’m not saying that’s the plan.”
Nicole moves closer to me and lovingly says, “What is the plan, Mama?”
“Well, the first step…” looking at Courtney, “…and I’m not trying to rip off alcoholics anonymous when I say that…” I wanted to make her crack a smile, but no go, “…is to find out if I even slept with the mystery man.”
“Here’s an idea, why don’t you ask him?”
“I did, Courtney. I think he sort of said no.”
“You think?”
And then Nicole, “Sort of?”
Their logical brains are clearly not built to handle the chaotic intensity in which I used to live my life. Watching them self-destruct with all of this is actually the most fun I’ve had in a long time, and it’s a nice vacation from missing Leo.
“I think he was trying to let me off the hook.”
“Well, what are you gonna do then…paternity test?”
Clapping her hands, Nicole sings, “That’s soooooo Hollywood!”
Ignoring her idiocy, I proceed to explain. “Once he finds out I’m pregnant, he’ll come clean because he’s a good guy. If he says we had sex, then I’ll do a paternity test, but only with him.”
“Why not with Leo?”
“Because he asked me to set him free. No, wait…actually he begged me. Telling him I might be having his baby qualifies as the opposite of setting him free, don’t you think?”
“Hold on, so if you find out this baby is Leo’s…you’re still not gonna tell him?”
I merely shrug because I just don’t know.
Courtney shakes her head and looks away. Nicole though, she knows I need a little love and moves closer.
“When are you gonna tell this mystery man that you’re pregnant?”
“I’m not.”
What I failed to tack onto my response was…You are.