SAY WHAT?
October, 2002
“You look like shit.”
“Wow…First Kelly, now you?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind.”
Holding Kendall’s hand, I brush past Slutty Co-worker and walk to Megan’s little office. It’s crammed with boxes.
“Seriously, Megan? I mean, you’ve got to either ship this crap to the Nepanese people or donate it to Goodwill. I can barely find you in here.”
“It’s Nepalese, Chrissy.”
“I don’t care what the…” Looking down at Kendall who’s looking up at me with wide eyes, expecting a bad word, I rethink my approach.
“I don’t care what the bleep it is. It’s making me crazy!”
“Is that what you came in here to tell me?”
Now trying my best to be sweet, “Actually, no…Can you drop Kendall off at school? Pretty please? I feel like…”
Knowing the S word is about to explode from my mouth, Kendall tugs my hand and disapprovingly shakes her head. “I feel like pooh-pooh.” Looking back down at Kendall, “Is that better?”
“Yep!”
“And, yep, I can take her to school! Come on Kendall, hop on my back!”
The second they’re gone I slide down the wall and hang my head between my legs.
“Been hittin’ the bottle again, hunny?”
I pull my head up and glare at Slutty Co-worker, “Very funny. Must be the flu or something.”
Barbara, who just walked in with a sassy new cut and color, takes one look at me and says, “That’s not the flu, sweetie pie…you’re pregnant.”
In unison, Slutty and I let out a whopping, “SAY WHAT?”
“Yep, I know that look, and I bet you my next paycheck, there’s a baby in that belly!”
Almost not wanting it to be true as much as me, Slutty Co-worker starts rambling off a million questions. I immediately throw my hands in the air to stop the annoyance.
“WHOA, hold on! No one’s pregnant! It’s just the flu!”
Barbara, who’s now laughing, kneels down beside me. “Is that why you fell asleep at your desk twice last week? Is it why, all of a sudden, you run out of the building when you smell my food heating up in the microwave?”
“Okay, first of all, helloooooo, I’m raising a child…I’m tired! And, second of all, that Berkeley Indian food cart shit smells like…shit! If you haven’t noticed, everyone runs out of the building!”
The new and improved Barbara stands, waves me off, and walks down the hallway singing, “Somebody’s gonna have a baaaaaby!”
Slutty Co-worker looks down at my clearly puzzled face.
“You wanna talk this out?”
Scrambling to my feet, “Let’s go find a calendar.”
Settling at her desk with our day-timers in front of us, I start shuffling through the pages.
“That day! Look, it’s in black and white! I got my last depo provera shot on July nineteenth! See, there’s no way I can be pregnant!”
“Hold on there, fertile Franny. Are you sure? Because according to my calendar, you took half of that day off to get the keys to your new house, and before you left to do that you were here the whole time.”
“What? Let me see that.” I nervously grab at her calendar as she moves to look at her computer screen.
“Yep, and see right here? Here’s an email I sent to Megan on that day bitching about how much time your house hunting had taken and that I was glad you went to get the keys, and it was finally over.”
“You guys talk shit about me?”
“All the time…but stay on point, this is serious! Do you think that maybe in the excitement of getting the keys to the house you forgot to go to the doctor?”
Like a shot of lightening…No scratch that. Like baby kicking in the womb, all of a sudden I remember exactly what happened.
“Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit.”
“What did you do, doll?”
“Ohhhhhh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not good.”
“Oh boy, what’s not good?”
“It’s coming back to me now.”
“Spill it.”
“I was supposed to get it after I got the keys, but when I called Leo from the new house and he told me the news about postponing his arrival until September, I remember thinking, ‘Heck, I guess I don’t have to get that shot today,’ and I decided to stay at the house and play with Kendall in the backyard.”
“And you never rescheduled?”
In total disbelief, I sift through the pages of my calendar and murmur, “How could I have forgotten?”
“Hold on, it never crossed your mind that you forgot when you were having sex with Leo last month?”
“No. And I even pulled my calendar out on the flight home to see when my next shot was scheduled.”
“When is it?”
Looking down at my calendar, “Tomorrow.”
“Guess you can forget about going to that one, huh?”
Nervously staring at my friend, “Do you think Barbara’s right?”
“Only one way to find out.”
Twenty minutes later, after a quick run to the drug store, Slutty Co-worker sneaks a peek at the stick I peed on three minutes ago and vivaciously asks, “Are you ready?”
I never thought, once I became an adult, that being pregnant could be a nightmare. After all, it was engraved on the Life List I made when I was sixteen. Even though that list didn’t pan out like I dreamt it would, and I promised myself I was done with lists forever, I couldn’t resist and made that new little one right after Leo suggested we get married in Fiji. Everything was falling into place and it seemed safe to start planning my life again. And, item #6 on my old list, to have children, became #3 on my new list, and I happily dreamt of the day I would become pregnant. However, I happily dreamt about it as a married woman…not as a knocked-up, dumped and dejected single mom who’s barely capable of raising the kid her dead friends left her. But, all of that stuff is not why a positive pregnancy result would be a nightmare. It’s what I’m too afraid to admit that makes it one.
Closing my eyes, “I’m ready.”
“It’s negative.”
Because the super emotional side of me swears she already felt contractions, I snap open my eyes and look at Slutty Co-worker, shocked and confused.
“Wow. Guess I dodged a huge bullet with that one, didn’t I?”
“Why’s that? I mean, it’s not like I’m into trapping guys by getting knocked up, but you definitely would’ve gotten Leo back.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t tell you this because quite frankly, it scared me a little, but when you were asking me those questions about the night I spent at Kurt’s house-”
“Oh God, the underwear…was it crunchy?”
“Would you stop with that!”
In actuality, the peek I had of the underwear the morning I got home from his house revealed no such crunch. Even so, the lack of evidence did nothing to curb my concern over what might’ve actually happened in his bed.
“What then?”
“Well, you asked me how I knew if nothing happened with Kurt, and I said I knew because I’d never cheat on Leo.”
“But?”
“But Kurt never actually denied it.”
“Well, this is getting interesting…”
“The thing is I don’t remember much of anything from that night. To be honest…I might’ve slept with him.”
“Oh boy.”
“The only thing Kurt told me after that night was whatever happened…wasn’t his fault. I’ve been trying to convince myself he was referring to merely waking up in his bed, but whenever I add up the facts…lots of wine…the emotional moment we shared with the graduation picture…the tank top and underwear…all signs point to the obvious. Don’t they?”
My supportive side-kick knows I’m about to lose it and wraps her arms around me.
“It’s been killing me that I might’ve betrayed Leo, but since I knew, or at least I thought I knew, I was protected by the shot, it’s been kind of easy to believe what I wanted to believe…”
“…Because there would never be proof to the contrary.”
“Exactly.”
I turn toward my friend so she can see how disgusted I am.
“Now can you see how being pregnant would’ve been a total nightmare?”
“Absolutely. You slept with Leo two weeks after that night. You’d have a little baby daddy mystery on your hands, wouldn’t you?”
I look into her eyes and insist she tell me the truth.
“Do you think I could’ve actually slept with Kurt?”
“Not a chance, I know how much you love Leo. But, you should probably find out for sure.”
“Why?”
Handing me the stick, “Because you’re pregnant.”