Tough Love
September, 2002
Not a thing has changed since the last time I was here. And since I’m here…it seems not even me. The chairs are the same barfy mauve color. The art is the same garage sale looking crap. Even the same old tattered magazines are sitting on the shitty table. The only thing different about the room is that there’s no Sad Frumpy Lady. Nope, Barbara’s at work right now. Barbara’s a normal functioning human being. Barbara isn’t a colossal f*ck up that has to return to therapy because Barbara doesn’t repeat the same mistakes in her life. Barbara’s made some actual progress that-- My internal tirade is abruptly interrupted by the familiar squeak of the door that leads from the offices to the lobby. I lift my head and am at once comforted that perhaps I’m about to make some actual progress too. Peering at me over the rim of her glasses, Dr. Maria exhales, “What did you do now, Chrissy?”
After an embrace that feels more like one shared between a mother and a daughter than a therapist and her patient, we walk silently back to her office. After I settle into my usual spot on the old grey couch, I look up at Dr. Maria and shake my head in total disbelief that I’m here.
“So…did you record my phone message again this time? Will there be another big fake celebration at the end of this process for all of my hard work and dedication to becoming a normal person?”
“I see you haven’t lost your wit.”
“I think it’s the only thing I have left.”
“Tell me why you’re here, hunny.”
“I need help getting Leo back.”
“First, why don’t you tell me how you lost him.”
One thing’s for sure, I’ve learned not to beat around the bush on this couch anymore because it only takes me five minutes to tell Dr. Maria how I went from almost becoming Leo’s wife and all of the fabulous perks associated with it like sex, houses, and fancy cars, to getting drunk at Kurt’s house and waking up in his bed the next morning…with no pants on.
Slowly removing her glasses, she takes a long sip of tea and then leans back in her chair. Awesome, it looks like she’s already got a plan!
“If memory serves me, Leo’s a passionate one, yes?”
“Yep.”
“He’s already forgiven you…how many times in the past?”
“At least ten, probably.”
“Uh-huh…And he was always honest with you about how he felt about your ex-husband, right?”
“Right.”
“Even so, he was…how did you put it, ‘digging deep’ and working on his jealousies so that he could marry you and be a part of your new life with…” Looking down at her notes, “…Kendall, correct?”
“Correct.”
“Kurt has weekend visitation with the child?”
“Yes.”
“Did Leo ever give you any indication that it would be okay for the three of you to have sleepovers?”
“No. Of course, not!”
Tossing her pad of paper on the table, “Then I don’t know what the heck you expect me to do to help you, Chrissy. You screwed up. Now, if you want to talk about your feelings or some sort of depression you’re experiencing from the break-up, we can do that. But as far as getting Leo back, you did it on your own before and you’re going to have to do it on your own again, because that’s not my job.”
Who the hell is this woman and what has she done with my Dr. Maria?
“But, I thought you could--”
“What, be a bounty hunter?”
“Well no, but I at least thought you might help me figure out why I made the stupid choice to get drunk with Kurt and sleep in his bed. If I’m ever lucky enough to explain what happened to Leo, I’m gonna have to understand it myself first, right?”
“Alrighty, now we’re talking therapy. Ready for my assessment?”
“I think so.”
“You haven’t had any alcohol for nine months, which by the way is very impressive. But I think you forgot about the emotional effects a few drinks--”
“A few? I wish.”
Ignoring my gross admission, Dr. Maria proceeds.
“We all know emotions will go one of two ways with that much alcohol; you’ll either get super happy or super sad. Where did you go?”
“Sad.”
“What triggered the sadness?”
“A picture of Kurt’s college graduation and what he had to say about it.”
“Did he say what you wanted him to say?”
“Yes, finally.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
Is it just me or is this woman fast-tracking my therapy?
“Validated, but it was weird because the validation also made me…like I said, sad.”
“Why do you think that was the case?”
“I guess I didn’t like hearing that after all this time, everything his family failed to do for him that day really did break his heart. I dunno…hearing him say the words kind of broke mine all over again, and it didn’t seem fair.”
“It didn’t seem fair that he shared his true feelings with you, it didn’t seem fair that he was authentic with you?”
“It’s way too late for that.”
“Who are you to tell him how he should or shouldn’t be? Isn’t he the one that did that to you for all of those years? Wasn’t that the main reason you grew to resent him?
“Excuse me?”
“He can be however he wants to be and as long as you choose to engage with him, you have to accept it. Seems to me we talked about this before.”
Omigod, I hate it when she’s right. And…she’s always right.
“Chrissy, you didn’t have to stay and chit-chat with him, you didn’t have to drink all of that wine, you didn’t have to let him expose his feelings to you. Get one thing straight, he didn’t do anything to you other than be the thing you always asked him to be. If it makes you crazy, or causes you to make bad choices, then stay away.”
“I tried! For like, the last year I’ve even been walking around mumbling, ‘bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to Kurt!’ But I always get sucked back in, and I can’t figure out why the hell that is!”
“Guilt.”
“But Kurt and I have been divorced for almost two years! I’m sick and tired of feeling guilty for making a choice I know was right. When is it gonna go away?”
“You said he broke up with his girlfriend recently?”
“Yes.”
“And his best friend died?”
“Yep.”
“Maybe you don’t think he’s moved on to a point where you feel like you can be happy given the pain he’s feeling from all of that stuff, on top of the pain you caused him before it. I mean, for you to marry the man you essentially left him for…”
“For the millionth time, I didn’t leave Kurt for Leo!”
“Yeah, but deep down you know he’ll never see it any other way and that makes you incapable of making the choice to move on yourself. But remember what I told you a long time ago. Your choices should not be ones that you think will make you hurt less, they have to be the right choices.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, as much as marrying Leo and living out your dreams seem like all of the right choices, I think they hurt you because you think they hurt Kurt. That’s why I think you always sabotage them.”
“I’m still trying to protect him, aren’t I?”
“That’s what it looks like, my dear.”
“When will it end?”
“I also told you this a long time ago…It will end when you put your relationship with Leo first. And, Chrissy, I also think you need to quit assuming what Kurt thinks.”
Paying no attention to the second half of her response, I stare down at my ring that I still can’t bring myself to take off and numbly ask, “What relationship with Leo.”
“That’s up to you to figure out.” Putting her hand on my knee, “But I’ll be here for you if things don’t work out the way you want them to.”
After giving Dr. Maria a brief update on the only thing I seem to be doing well in my life-- raising Kendall--I stand to hug her and thank her for the tough love. When I reach the door, she asks, “I have to know…off the record. Did you sleep with Kurt?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so?”
“I was that drunk.”
“Oh, Lord. Well, what did he have to say about it?”
“Nothing.”
“He didn’t say one way or the other if it happened?”
Thinking really hard back to my conversation with him the morning after, “No actually. He didn’t.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Maybe he knows the truth will destroy me.”
“Interesting. So, you actually think he’s trying to protect you?”
Staring out the window at the sun setting over the beautiful rolling hills of Danville, I whisper, “I’m afraid so.” But what I leave out is just how afraid.