Numb
August, 2002
What have I done?
My eyes drift in the direction of the soft knocking on the bathroom door, but I’m too numb to move.
“Chrissy, come on out.”
You.
“Can you hear me in there?”
Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to you. I knew that. How could I have been so stupid?
“I’m putting your clothes by the door.” I hear Kurt shuffle around and then the bedroom door slams shut.
After getting dressed, I splash cold water on my face, but it does nothing to clear my head or wash away the shame. This can’t be happening. I won’t accept it. I’m going to walk out of this bathroom and Kurt will tell me I simply fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. That has to be what happened last night. I open the bathroom door and immediately my eyes focus on an empty bottle of wine on the nightstand. God dammit, that’s not what happened last night. Disgusted, I make my way to the kitchen where I find Kurt.
“Where’s Kendall?”
“I put a movie on for her in her room so we could talk.” Handing me a cup of coffee, “Here, I made this for you.”
“I don’t want any f*cking coffee. I wanna know what the hell you did to me.”
“Whoa, hold on! I didn’t to a damn thing to you!”
“Then how do you explain me waking up, in your bed, without any clothes on?”
“That was all you, Chrissy.”
“What do you mean, ‘allllll me?’ I’m engaged to be married, for Christ sakes!”
“Oh, that’s right, silly me! I forgot that your moral compass works properly when you’re engaged. It’s when you’re married that it craps out!”
Slamming the coffee cup on the counter, I want to say “How dare you!” Instead, I rest my head in my hands and whisper my pain.
“What have I done?”
“We had a good time for once, that’s all.”
“And it cost me…my engagement.”
“What are you talking about?”
Ignoring him, I talk softly to myself.
“In his mind, just being in your house is justification for ending it with me, and I knew that, so how could I have been so stupid?”
He continues to sip his coffee and listen to my shame.
“Here I am, the failure, the cheater…the bad guy. The big three I never wanted to be all over again.”
I look up at him, expecting some kind of feedback. Still, he says nothing.
“I thought things were gonna work out for all of us. I mean, despite all of the shit I put us through; I really thought we could have good lives. I thought I was gonna be able to give Kendall everything she deserves, and I thought I could be the partner to Leo he deserves. Even you…I thought you were finally free to find the love you deserve and in one night I f*ck it all up for everyone. Well, maybe I didn’t f*ck it up for you. It’s not like anyone got hurt because…” And then I start to cry, “…because we slept together last night.”
“He thinks we slept together?”
“Duh! Look where I was when he called!”
“And he called off your engagement?”
“Are you listening to a God damn word I’m saying?”
He’s just staring at me…Defiant. Saying nothing.
“Oh my God, that kiss never should’ve happened!”
I start pacing the room.
“The pieces of last night fall apart for me right after we looked at that stupid picture. You were telling me how much you f*cked up my life and then you kissed me… What happened next, Kurt?”
“You pulled away and we drank two more bottles of wine, that’s what happened.”
“How the hell did I get in your bed, WITHOUT MY PANTS?”
“You were hot and started complaining about me being too cheap to use my air-conditioning, which I am, and then you took them off.”
Oh, Jesus.
“That doesn’t explain how I got into your bed!”
“You put yourself there.”
Son of a bitch.
“But, why were you there with me?”
“Sometimes Kendall wakes up with nightmares and it’s the place she knows to find me. You were too drunk to hear a freight train hit the house, so I stayed in there just in case she needed me.”
“Couldn’t you have slept on the floor?”
“Would it have mattered in the end result? You just said yourself he was gonna end it with you just for being in my house.” Then his mood shifts to the irritated. “Besides, it’s my house. You should’ve slept on the damn floor.”
Ignoring his comment, my mind starts racing with ideas. Maybe Kurt can call Leo and tell him nothing happened. Maybe he can tell him I got sick with the stomach flu when I dropped her off and I had to stay! I mean, he can even tell him I shit my pants for all I care! I’ll put my humiliation aside if it means I can have Leo back. I might’ve vowed to never lie to Leo, but Kurt didn’t! Maybe this can get fixed!
“I know you, Chrissy, and I know exactly what you’re thinking. But, stop because I’m not getting involved in this.”
“But, Kurt! Hear me out…if you tell him nothing happened, then he might forgive me.”
Out of nowhere Kurt punches the kitchen cabinet and yells, “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT HIM TO FORGIVE YOU?”
“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? Jesus, Chrissy…are you seriously telling me you don’t remember anything that happened after that kiss? You don’t remember what I told you?”
“I remember we went to the couch…reminisced about old times…I think I got emotional. Oh my God, did we do it on the couch, or in your bed?”
My eyes are zooming around the room, my head is shaking defiantly, my heart rate is sky rocketing. There is no way I would ever do that! I would never betray Leo like that. NEVER! Would I?
Literally getting on my hands and knees, I start to beg him, “Please, Kurt, please just tell him nothing happened!”
Pouring himself another cup of coffee, “Let me get this straight. You want me to call the guy you cheated on me with when I was your husband and tell him you didn’t cheat on him with me? What do you take me for?”
“Kurt, I’m begging you. If you don’t do something you’ll ruin my marriage!”
“Oh yeah…WELL YOU RUINED MINE!”
It’s silent for several minutes as Kurt tries to calm down and I try to piece together last night. Am I lonelier than I thought I was? Is it possible that I slipped and slept with Kurt in a moment of weakness? No! No! No! I would never jeopardize what I have with Leo. Not in a million years.
Out of anger for forgetting that bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to Kurt and that I exposed myself to him, I lash out at him like never before.
“The day I divorced you was the end of the days when you could make me crazy. Never talk to me about anything other than Kendall, ever again. Never talk to me about our past or tell me about your future, but mostly NEVER talk to me about what happened last night.”
He says nothing, but I continue, “I will find a way to get Leo to forgive me without your help. Mark my word...I will have everything I ever wanted.”
I grab my purse and attempt to walk out of the kitchen, but he grabs my arm to stop me.
“Let’s just calm down and talk about this for a minute.”
“CALM DOWN? I wish I never went to that graduation party in 1986! If I hadn’t, there never would’ve been a f*cking Life List. I could’ve been anything, had I not met you! Maybe I would’ve gone to a better college, like the one you talked me out of going to! Or, maybe I never even would’ve gone to college! Maybe I would’ve gone to Los Angeles to be an actress, or maybe I would’ve become a painter or an author! I never would’ve gotten pregnant and I NEVER would’ve had an abortion, and I never, never, never would’ve married you or had to get a divorce! YOU RUINED MY LIFE SO DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!”
On that note, I yell good-bye to Kendall and walk out of the house. On the short drive back to my cottage I wonder how the hell I’m going to get Leo to forgive me, panicked that it’s probably impossible. But, there’s no way I’m going down without a fight. First thing when I get home, I’ll shower and then call him. No, I’ll call him first. No, maybe I should send him an email. No, I’ll-
“Ho-ly Shit.”
Inching into my driveway, I park right next to a brand spanking new silver Porsche Carrera, complete with a big red bow on top, just like you see in those sickening Christmas commercials. With shaky knees, I exit my car and walk over to the card taped to the windshield and open it.
Happy Birthday, baby. I told you I could make all of your dreams come true. Seventeen days until we’re together again. I love you. Leo