Wait, What?
August, 2002
“A Porsche?”
I lift my heavy head from my desk and nod.
“A brand new one?”
Speaking painfully slow, I exhale, “So new, I could still smell the bratwurst on the breath of the German who put it together.”
“Ouch. Did you try to call him?”
“Seven times. He never picked up.”
“Did you leave a message?”
“Just one. I said I can explain if he’d just call me back.”
The minute after I read the card that was taped to the Porsche, I ran into the cottage, took a quick shower, got back in my car, called Slutty Co-worker and Megan, drove to the yoga studio, and while I waited for them to arrive, I attempted to contact Leo.
“Of course I can’t think of a f*cking explanation, so I guess it’s a good thing he hasn’t called me back yet.”
Staring at my co-workers stunned faces, I plead for some kind of advice.
“There has to be a way out of this, right? I mean, he’ll forgive me when he finds out nothing happened, won’t he?”
“How do you know nothing happened?”
I snap at Slutty Co-worker, “Because I’d never cheat on Leo!”
“I dunno, hunny. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I’ve never woken up without my pants on and didn’t have sex.”
Megan chimes in with, “Wait, what?” And then snaps, “You don’t actually think she slept with Kurt, do you?”
Ignoring her, Slutty Co-worker attacks my problem like she’s on freakin’ Law & Order.
“How does your huha feel? Like…is it sore or anything?”
Megan, who’s uncharacteristically unsupportive of my latest Chrissygan, has apparently had enough of my love drama and abruptly leaves my office. I look at Slutty like she’s the reason for her departure.
“Okay…one, you’ve offended the poor girl and, two…YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME WITH THAT QUESTION!”
“No actually, I’m not! Do a couple of squats right now...you’ll know if something was in that thing last night.”
“I’ve been taking yoga classes from you for the last two years! Of course my huha is sore! IT’S ALWAYS SORE!”
“Take a deep breath and think real hard, hunny. Was there any…you know… gunk in your trunks this morning? You know…something sort of crunchy.”
“Are you literally asking me if I woke up with a crunchy huha?”
“Well, you’re the one who needs to know for sure!”
“No, psycho! What I need to know is if you think Leo will forgive me!”
“That depends on what you’re expecting him to forgive.”
Throwing my head in my hands in total disgust, I whimper, “So you think I might’ve actually slept with Kurt.”
“How much did you drink?”
“A lot.”
“How long since you’ve had sex?”
“A long time.”
“And what was Kurt telling you before he kissed you?”
“Everything I wanted to hear.”
“Where did you wake up this morning?”
“In his bed.”
“And what were you wearing?”
“Almost nothing.”
“Hate to say it, but it’s not looking so good in sex court.”
I’m scared that she might be right and getting Leo to forgive me for merely being inside of Kurt’s house, let alone the fact that I slept in his bed, is about as likely as my dear old slutty friend abstaining from sex for the rest of her life.
After a long sigh and a discouraging head shake, Slutty Co-worker then walks up behind me and starts to massage my shoulders.
“Hate to say it, doll, but what you’ve got here is a full blown relationship crisis and we all know relationships aren’t my expertise. I think there’s only one person who can talk you through this mess.”
And I think she’s right. I leave the studio and head back to my cottage where I find that my dream car has already been taken away. I guess while I was trying to call Leo, he was busy on the phone with the dealership. I rip the notice off of my front door instructing me to call Peninsula Porsche if I have seventy-five thousand dollars to buy it back, drop my purse on the ground and head right to the phone. No need to look up the phone number, it’s tattooed on my brain. It rings five times before the familiar voice prompts me to leave a message.
“It’s me. Everything has fallen apart again. Leo’s back in New York, but unlike before, this time I’ve done something so unforgivable that I don’t think he’s ever coming back. I also don’t think there’s anything you can do to change the situation. I just need some advice and…a friend to talk to.”
After hanging up, I walk uneasily toward the dirty clothes I had on this morning. With my eyes closed I reach down and pick-up the underwear. Tensely cracking open one eye, I search for some kind of reassurance that I’m not as horrible of a person as I’m beginning to think I am.
Following (adjective) fol*low*ing:
Coming after in time or sequence
I don't wanna see, I don't wanna see anything
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again
I don't wanna walk, I don't wanna walk far from you
I just wanna live, wanna live just like you do
(Grace, Saving Jane)